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Wednesday talk.
Poem; anxiety about things finishing; expressing ourselves, failure, resentment.

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titans is worse

really easy really
think we might need a home errands and point so might
catherine's you just take credit

and my mind
and may have some things on your mind as well on your minds
just to name a few things
our intimacy
for once
successful fees and honey was just a few other things that here
and expressing yourself
so it as a gone
hey i was telling somebody about this call me to see if this person person's here
yes this person is here
this was a poem that just a her during the practice periods or grows up during a lecture suppose that i had been very very important to me
when i first started practicing and it's a poem about relationships are a relationship that it was my relationship to spiritual practice and ultimately my relationship to make herself or to apparently that was and
no but
can be sensed or something like that and it's by
you have to schenkel maybe some of you know it called colors just com and i used to be able to recite as if i can i can start here
when your face appeared over my crumpled life at first i know only the poverty of what i hand and then
when it's particular light
and woods and rivers and the see became my beginning in the colored world
in which i had not yet had my beginning
i'm so frightened
i'm so frightened of the unexpected sunrise finishing
of revelations and tears and the excitement finishing
don't fight it and i love is this fear i nourishing who can nourish nothing loves slipshod watch
fear hams me in
i am conscious that these minutes or short and that the colors in my eyes will vanish when your face sense

i think an part that really spoke to me was a new face appeared over my crop of life at first i understood only the poverty of what i am so this image of half
is rising up the sun over one's campus
and then then all of a sudden what's revealed as the poverty of what you ever the failure said that
not good enough or something but at the same time is somebody opening into something different some new understanding some new weeping
which is any years my beginning in the colourpop the world in which i had not had my became so
i feel better for for me and for many people i think our spiritual life or her encounter with practice or
the thousand and are are a teacher or
buddha dharma and sangha is like a beginnings memorial day
his life pm
in a new way perhaps
when this part of the promo says i'm so frightened him so frightened of it all finishing i and that fear hems mean
my sense of it now after all these years is that that kind of gives way this fear of it finishing and and the fear of it where the practice actually becomes one and there's no fishing
there's just each comment so
but i think this anxiety about
that is very fragile are you know it's very fragile is dependent on this person or this place or this group of people and that it's all falling apart constantly in people are coming and going leaving dying
have there's some anxiety that we have
pinky finger
never be without kleenex is one of my mottos

so so there's some
and fears and
i have been now
turning over the last several weeks is ah
notion of leadership what is leadership and i i brought this up recently somewhere practice committee year
abbott's council i think that have been asking various people about what is leadership because i'm in this vision process that the community is going through
readership is an issue for people were wherein lies power and spiritual leadership and spiritual power and if it's a i feel i give them it's up for the community instead in is up for me and being a situation where someone said there's no leadership presents her foot
with me sitting there and blanche and victory and you know so so what do people mean when they say leadership and that there's no leadership or do we have a narrow understanding of leadership what is leadership so this is something happen term so i asked a ram about it and he quoted from particular tech
did i mention this already similar
precious forest i think it's it's it's actually worth that i don't have meeting somebody answer to the library has the and in it is admonitions for the abbot or the abbess the leader of a community iraq monastery and
one of the things that says in there that real mention was that for that amateur the abbess that they know the hearts of the community
that's their main job and know the hearts of the king the hearts of each person in the community and what would follow for me and what was very helpful us that if you know someone's heart
when the air actions in a body speech in mind follow from that and someone could say all their leading but actually are the leading or the following or is it really what is that that when you know the hearts of the community and i think for each one of us who's working on
in different ways on cruise leading crews following on crews working ourselves working with others to know the hearts of each other
out of that comes
leading and following wave follows wave for now
and i think as a kind of happiness actually
i think where unhappiness cubs is when we're trying to push people or make them believe what we believe because that's real truth that kind of
activity there's a lot of suffering they are in a lot of pain and we may not even notice that that's what we're doing because we believe so strongly that what we think is right so why isn't everybody coming along and how we gonna make them and i i think that's not necessarily
reading i think it can be more
why don't you can all sorts of problems happen there
so knowing the hearts of the community knowing each other's hearts and then what comes out of that
and then i also asked at brown i had lunch with the other day about leadership what he thought leadership was so great ask these people and they are so health and and and suggestion or what he said was well if you really express yourself completely when you thoroughly and
completely and honestly express yourself then other people feel like they can express themselves to and then you know what follows from man bad activity
is just appropriate activity so as is that leading is that how we understand leading to completely express yourself i don't know but i found that very
helpful and also i realized i had been leaning into okay what's leadership was leadership rather than
leadership is like a byproduct you know of expressing ourselves completely
honesty with ourselves
and ah
being willing to be open enough to know the hearts know each other's hearts
our usual cultural model of leading and down
you know work i'm working on it is to identify everything that's going wrong and then figure out protocol and ways to address those things they're wrong and remedy the situation
ah and then we can get everything right you know some some idea like that and of course life is so much messier than that
we can't ever get any get it all just right
either in our relationships with one another or you know it can be right for it just the second but then you know you your mind wanders and you burn the sunflower seeds they were you it was thirty we pushed them around on the pan and they would just about the every now and then if everyone just occurred to me and the guitar
burning a pan of simpler six three times per week we put him in the oven and then
students term and then they get forgotten and burned and then the next person's that look let me do it
they burn and then the third time if you can believe it burned and we were all
what was going on there you know i have no idea
this getting things just right what do we make this effort and and there's also along with it is if things go wrong with their failure we didn't try hard enough you know it's rather then you know life is kind of a mess like that things
our outside of our ability to get it just
and have it all stay put
so often what happens is we feel we're not trying hard enough for we're not making enough effort of their now you're blaming other people for not making enough effort
if they just tried harder than they could get it right and i think there's some within that there's a fallacy there but we over in of this is some sarah samsara looks like that while then i'll just try harder and are artists improve myself purchased
ah so there's lot of suffering in that round and down
what what often happens there is
forget to appreciate the mess for one each other's efforts
learning from the mistakes there's a quote from jovian
you know hitting the mark mean ninety nine times you miss the mark that that's what hitting the mark is that the nine that his failures and trying and learning from it and trying again in this this is a kind of fumble
effort and vigor and past and secret is necessary in our practice
but we don't like to fail you know who i looked up failure religious i see what
failure is the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end
the condition or fact of being insufficient are lacking a falling short
the am
this failure
as he don't have what it takes you around
or insufficient some that inherently insufficient or that we lack something and see their i proved it again now look
and i wanna get back to that there's the kind of funny because guilt and resentment get kind of mixed up in there too
also a cessation of proper functioning his failure like a failed power failure something
or we feel like there was a failure and communications you know not perform now performance of what is requested are expected you know
somebody you know asked us to do something and we weren't able to do it you know we fail them
and and also decline of strength or weakening i got a failed in my health is failing so i think along with that is feeling like me they are whatever failure is that or week you know that were not manly or not a womanly
a enough some something
very basic to r are being our our humanness or something
and it comes from the latin to deceive or to disappoint
hey i'm here
ah these stories that we we are fed by grow up hearing reading up money in our practice life
of these then stories of atlanta me experiences in an insight and all these wonderful things is the hitting the mark but what's not mention usually is
know in in other biographies that it can be mentioned but often snap mentioned in the collins the the effort and the hundred and ninety nine times you know is not really brought into high relief there we don't really want to hear about the ninety nine times of the missing you know we that that may not be so encouraging to us
but i like to you
these failures
ha so there's this wonderful poem which i agree saying before him as whereas that i used to a hat on track
last night i drink
all the marvelous
last night as i was sleeping a drought
marvelous air
that there was
i can't do have say last night as i was sleeping i tramped marvelous error that i had a beehive here inside my heart and the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my own failures
antonio machado
last night as i was sleeping i dreamt on bar for this air that i had a beehive here inside my heart and the goals and nice were making white columns and sweet honey from my old failures
that is really one that's a keeper
he'll be able to draw upon my daughter was seen now nicaragua for the past five months or so on one of the things she did was she had a practice of upon the week and she was in in spanish she was learning palms by her and also english bombs and i
would that be wonderful to do a poem a week and you know each year fifty two pounds to dry
projects such occasions as this failure whatever failures but
the golden geese were making white combs and sweet honey or males failures and i feel really that
my effort to understand the failures my failures whenever he goes i'm like that that this is just
food for the bees you know to make them
sweetness and food and it
it's a honeycomb any come fruit
i'm an artist living says he thinks contains the food editor so makes deluded shelter with the bees wax beeswax is yeah so shelter environments of com and golden beauty you know from our fears
i think this is a very hard
turning this is very harrowing experience for me and it's very hard i've noticed we get kind of caught in the failures and i we were visiting us this week is james flirty and regular to see when i was just looking at his book
know tasting
ah is broken coaching and i just happened to open it as a new you're going to you and i opened to this page about guilt and resentment there right next to each other
well maybe to be sent when this is from your book
is something unfair we do so we think something unfair has been done to be by somebody else
and i have no power to do anything about it
and the characteristic of the resentment according to this book is this judgment of being powerless
then i resent that begins to grow and part of the characteristic is that you distance yourself from the object of your resentment
and then you get back at them in all different ways but it's not like an outing out confrontation or in this is unfair whatever or i didn't appreciate it's not that you you distance yourself kind of cold politeness it says it is very familiar isn't it
nicole can of griddle and cold politeness and distancing and then you you get back at the person in different ways and in the workplace it can be things like
i kiss misplaced those and i i just can not figure out where they are napoli turning the phone slowing were clear negative gossip and a big one he noticed
can you the legendary demographic
this is all part of his resentment from picture
does that sound familiar familiar with that it's very young
i think it's a kind of poisonous can be very poisonous for community life was at when and how it gets played out

and another difficult part of resentment which i found very helpful that was pointed out in the book was that is emotional distance that means that when the person tries to kind of out was going on here and then there's there's no interest in making that kind of contact are getting to the bottom of it or
you know you keep it keep it separate
which perpetuates more
so they saw the person finds no way to kind of get amateur very young
can of poisonous a thing pouring into a poisonous see
and and the other
thing i happened to open to he says the next pages about guilt
and that james says if it's again the great american long
send the section about movies
in guilty as a a false feeling guilty feeling bad
about anything you know i know somebody new probably know them to who if it's raining out as they also say you know i mean whatever is going on
you know who professes later
whether they had managed to do it it's just apologizing all the time for this than the other hand you know you know
so there's apologizing and then append of working very hard to work
make up for things and down
but but one of the
thing about you in english thing that i just grant which was so helpful for me was that the person who's guilty on the time has a false sense of agency that seem very key to me and i have read about guilt before and that in buddhism and in fact one of the first things that really was interesting for me about buddhism is that the
there wasn't a guilt thing sin and guilt or not really approaches
objects of of steady partially because there was no divine being that you could sit against him and have guilt about that it was it was all kind of
it wasn't germain the guilt in terms of divine being that you're sitting against so i found that very refreshing but this thing about having a false sense of agency feeling badly as if you could have had anything to you could have made the difference you could so it comes back to
you know had i tried harder you know back to this then somebody could have unicef and in part of that is what are these other people
you know at least i feel bad about it but they were also part of it and they have during feel bad about it so anyway bad whole little
cluster of things i think also with her
in terms of community life and working together and living together
is something to study so they can lead a study by myself
and that i
mine and failures and the guilt about failures or resentment this is very different from
using each thing that comes into our life as
one more opportunity to practice one more opportunity to study what's going on i think we get caught in kind of eddie i get caught in an eddie
and at the whole practice notion and applies out the window as i'm if there's resentment and guilty
ah failure in august his son
so how do we turn this and i think bringing it into consciousness is a way of turning it and how do we help each other to turn this and
and actually see
failures and even resentment and guilt as
how do we do
allow the bees of our
the how can i do this particular image that just came back
allow the beehive in our heart to work on of things in to use them as food as nourishment to work to practice our and this harder meeting
you know
has endless endless this of our practice
recently someone just told me how they could practicing they started sitting
anything am going with the flow the use that term going to the flour and balancing their life in there and then they had to go to afghanistan and wisdom tooth for and because of their karmic this is when i pointed out and then they had a lot of work down when they are a kid and they it triggered a whole thing they were had so much anxiety and they couldn't
meditate waiting in the waiting room and they were so i had to have nitrous oxide they didn't think they were gonna need them and leave to this practice the it all went out the window their whole practice they don't know how to practice known as i could be failure
so so this endless okay so here was the dentist's office this was this was a being
is triggered a lot of stuff that nothing goes can causes and conditions nothing else will trigger it quite like that
and for that person is the dentist office for somebody else it's some mouse for each one of us we get triggered and caught
and maybe during that we we have a lot of trouble practicing but afterward and we say we failed he failed and his practice because he got so on
full of anxiety but how afterwards can that be an encouragement to make honey you know to a practice harder to confess
this is an area i need to work
and no guilt you know i should have been able to have a terrible sense do that's a pint of backwater of
to me it down
if we get caught in mad
we we we kind of short-circuit our practice mind
we get caught a kind of habitual thing
oh i'm
am i doing here for you all might want to bring up had one other point on which may be not just save
i'll maybe i'll just say a little bit about it which is hum
forms and one might think well what is forms have to do with it but my when i saved a practice goes out the window a are the forms of our practice allow us this is my sense of things these days
ah to pour ourselves in
to our life we have to we have to show up this thing about showing up or ninety nine times you know to hit the market it means we have to show up we have to be their present in order to find our practice
lakes and body body mind so our forms help us to show up help us to arrive
it's very particular you know ah
it's about expressing ourselves
which i brought up at the beginning of the the talk
thoroughly expressing ourselves honestly the forms are are awake and have been conveyed by our ancestors of a way to
completely express ourselves in his ear it's it seems like a limited kind of thing shush you are a got show or services thousand across acrostic exceeding or any of the forms that we have
but when we have all the options in the world to express ourselves i think we diffuse and don't know kind of how to do it exactly
so our forms help us to completely okay it's it's looks like a limited way but with inland is complete limitless hard to completely arrive
within the form with our full body might there is the kind of limit was quality to that
so the limits of it and the limitless nest of it are not to not one right there
and we can express ourselves completely now and
in social situations there are forms and also so different situations matches then no forms her monastic life forms but social forms as well like shaking hands you know meeting someone in extending your hand or saying
how do you do or my name is you know and i can recall very vividly a time when it was extremely difficult for me to just
hello my name and that sounds like some convention your efforts
melinda the was how are you are just to come for like a it just was i could barely stand it first of i've got my name was really weird cuts you know nobody has any cuts
it is only my relatives you know
date my name was like was excruciating and over the years and for and watching the for people who come forward is in a social situation there is a form you know there are forms of interaction that are beautiful and each culture has their own forms of chris
but yeah and the body surfer speaks first is one of them pigs of a a so actually to take stand yourself or to save for dinner table when there's a stranger guess to just do nor in a social situation
extending yourself to say and over and over and over bringing your full body and mind to that form
is there is a kind of freedom and joy and happiness actually that's what happens is there's happiness there
in expressing ourselves fully
there's there's a kind of happiness that arise
so now stop talking at anything's to talk about but i'd like would
for add to it i
xander commenter question
you asked what leadership was the i of this idea
i i i gotta say it and out like the here
come and how the keyboards is what it needs to other people because i'm was pretty strong idea i have the nines of not quite sure what where they trusted
but i me leadership has to do with being willing to make difficult decisions
and being loving like not necessarily caring about what you are not ones luck
and so it has a pending encouraged to it
i think of the example when i woman he wanted to invite richard baker to be part of the mornings ledge series and right various people and got feedback a lot of which was against that idea
but for some reason he stayed where his initial decision
to do it and invited him anyway even know when you were saying earlier you know is that we need to know the hearts of everyone
but he didn't seem to necessarily need to go a long way as broke the hearts of everyone were staying at that moment because maybe the hearts were scared or i don't know
but i found that really an interesting decision and i
i respected his willingness to not think
like by everyone
and stick weird the maybe it's a i don't know created instinctive pima community couldn't even explain but he felt like you need to distinguish i don't hate him guessing
the register that use i'd be interested in what other people say if something that arose from meeting
does anyone on an and than her
yeah what came up with
the hello
for me was how to say yes to what susan option and i don't know that situation i just hear issue with clear cut
but that also therapy or wisdom involved is knowing when to follow the hearts as a community and when to power a heart for depressed with the heart of the community because it wouldn't be to always be in place of courage
would also be a kind of defiance and not necessarily leadership either so it would if there's a risk and guess our place yeah yeah
few years ago read the autobiography of lesson from dallas and when he was a young boy and his uncle was a i forget some kind of regional paying or anyway he was governed many provinces in africa and when when they would all meet
gather he will listen he spat in as a boy and his uncle would it was even start at sunrise and on the sun now an uncle who was the ruler wouldn't say anything all day he'd listened to everybody else and at the end of the day he may he made his decision
but it was it was based on what he'd been hearing from everybody else all day
and i imagine that on them if you know there might have been a lot of hearts and different place than but from happy he came up with the soup cooked them all those things
it's interesting to me in your example of not that out that he took the pains to talk with maybe a lot of people i don't know how many people who talked to her
he didn't set himself apart and say christmas proper time to but he actually had a conversation so really interesting a pretty conversations
what they were like well about their particular instance a sign moving and talking about your such making but what i felt was just from what you said susan there was the hearts and then maybe what is the true heart
i've you know in his efforts for reconciliation then or whatever it was i i trusted that he felt that he was acting from and speaking to the true heart you know of people what people really want which is harmony and or whatever that's what i felt
the decision was based on a and it's true there was
there was not
unity there was not unity and there was strong feelings very strong feelings and he you know if it was i did admire very much he said and the added this is my decision and so to somebody else might say well that's just entitlement or that's
as dumb and dominance of and but for me i trust norman to know that he felt it was the right thing to do and the right things or deepest wait for this community and whether we agreed with him or not he couldn't help but dance when he fell as rain so i think
so there is
true her i mean to know the true hearts and to come from mary i think in the thing about expressing yourself honestly
to me
it's not about approval in and
i suppose if you can express i want approval you know then then you're out front with that too but yes i think it's it's not about
getting approval and
positive stuff
as the main thing is that's going on it
i think everyone who's
been in music but you know what a sight to make a difficult decision and that people aren't happy with it sometimes
unity is very hard thing to come to actually take long time for unity
true unity for it when we did this workshop with the american friends service with with the young quaker group they worked with the board and a board retreat and unity with when unity actually arrives it's the energy in the room and the delight and almost before you were
the group when a group comes to unity is just that's what unity is consensus is compromise and okay all right i'll give in and there may be resentment and all sorts of other stuff to deal with later especially if there's resentment because then
the decision somehow get sabotage you know later on saddam so the they were talking about beyond consensus which is unity immunity years and i think we all know what that's like when after working and slaving in listing everybody speaking when you finally getting a good
wonderful happiness
yes i just feel lonely to say more about his senses how much experience says consensus is the process of movement was consensus based on the assertion that and bridges center
or has something important for the whole group is the process is a way of reaching unity and consensus the same way not understood
grab ways
replicas grinder standing on the purchase bad
the other folks
remember a hit mostly quakers yeah yes i think that's part of this getting to unity as you actually here nobody's voice is left out and cake here and then
yes definitely i think you work in senses and finally but often conservatives gets short changed it gets short circuited i think into
well it will you not listening you just gotta make a decision
i'm i'm just wondering about when you are talking about attention and most pious and resentment can arise and sometimes one man
wants to deal with it head on you think how i'll talk to the person and it doesn't work he talked to down and it doesn't really help and i'm wondering how we can do that with ourselves if you have any advice about try and like as a practice do you talk to them
again where do you take it on hand to just the individual around
the advice
i think sometimes that one of the regular forms is to try again with baby a friend in know with am support person who can help maybe facilitate especially if it's pretty hot between two people it's very useful to hire somebody for both people feel good about and whose neutron basically can help you
you hear each other so i my senses try again you know try one to one if that is work get a helper that doesn't work
try to helpers in but there is the grievance process and we have a going into that is like after you've really exhausted all of a local ways with with the people right around that our friends and yeah i would say try again myself do you think that's the best way is just threw herself as for
zhang with the person bike
is there i guess that's what i'm asking i guess that there's also definitely there's turning the light in and looking at what's going on what am i bringing to this one are my needs i mean effort bringing nonviolent communication looking at by feelings and
yes sir that comes together so but often if we're not honest enough with what's going on with ourselves and our own tendencies dispositions and have in mind
if it's all out there it gets it's pretty hard so yes do the inner work and then try to triumph and talk about what's going on maybe one on one with somebody else and then
try out the person including the rocks you've found out about what's going on with you
purchase them
get about a week we go to a the passage kathy
yeah leadership on
to me anyway i quality time
to me as leadership is
trusting practice that's that's leadership coming that's what i think my people cholesterol is a commercial
i'm not sure which were on which book it was i rarely buy read somewhere that from person on rock how to get version on a motorcycle because of that he started and practice because he saw character diversions back what was the straightest back that he ever saw because of that you don't like
like category roshi back lead this person and practice and like to me that's like everything's going to fall apart anyway
everything's a mess anyway so it's not like not like
how we re companies has always combine and so i mean things have to be somewhat harmonious but they're going to continue to be messy it seems so it seems to me the most important thing is
trusting practice the gods freely the most important thing
don't you will see said upstream
it as a target of security in line and the grocery line and the person behind him
the suzuki where she was behind this person who was in a grocery line and they felt so have cared for by this stranger this person whenever you know however he was standing there moving forward saw the based aggregators
yes the effect that we have on people is and it's inconceivable those of you who answered the phone your tone of voice your friendliness
whether the year whether you're friendly you're not just how you listen listening help and so all the contact that we have with every all those liberty of speak with you you know we have is we never know really is it's inconceivable how
how will you think people and then and then we have these stories them
you know show us
it has this the commercial you know all other people raptor that the young when he was made additive brings and i think it was unnatural because i'm to remember it was there when he was made of it so many families left and and he just
didn't he asked them to give me three years you know do you know the story with security he was very young to take on the average ship of redzone and just like you any community folks when there's a new changing the guard people the laity in the families who are involved in the students whatever
you know they don't like him when i went to just hard to read the practice trade someone came to joke santa thing i miss my teacher started like what are you doing here you know
that's you know this that's part of it so we think zooming even they have suzuki or she is there abbott in there they left the same with shakyamuni buddha you know people in assembly left
i possess great story here is shocking mooney good at giving a diameter and it gets some mouse to do
the take care of your shop or say america and would have cursed with that's true i think every teacher doesn't matter how wonderful some people will have a feeling and others won't
so if that's what gets you down like if you're lucky they don't let me you know
i can't do my job people are leaving i think
the i'm trusting practice standing on your own two feet your back straight into
and living your life
accepting who you are and honestly express the phone last may it what a huge earlier
it's gone oh me i want to know what is fucking
how about one more teams average six about resentment which out
i a real pain and resentment is that people aren't feeling like they are heard it they don't count me and until they get a headache come with us begin to resent us
because israel as a harder
so it's not the powerlessness as much as well they did some me and i have no power to change and that's part of it reuters
even see me i don't have
how to pay count because we're going to reserve yeah
thank you
i think that's really really helpful in terms of how we listen to each other how we are for each other in all are
untold myriad ways that we interact in
who live together work together
sit together

classified as i was sleeping i dreamed marvelous air that i had a beehive here inside my heart and the golden bees are making white columns and sweet honey from my own failures
the spanish class and former
where can you excited
you wanna hear that
have an idea
to take advantage