Good evening, everyone. Can you hear me okay? Yes, I'm getting some slight nods. Yeah, okay, great. Awesome. So welcome to the evening sitting. I'm just going to take a look around the room and see who's here. can see some of you. So I came to this Tuesday evening sitting just this last Tuesday that David Zimmerman led. And I was realizing I haven't been sitting in the evenings at the end of the workday. And it just has

[01:18]

For me, I'll just speak for me, it has such a completely different feeling than morning sitting. Yeah. And from the first moment that David kind of started leading us in meditation, I just felt such a relief to unplug, to shift gears, to really allow my awareness to to turn inward. Just what a wonderful practice. We're very fortunate, I would say, those of us who have found this strange thing called Zazen. So good evening. My name is Nancy Petran. I am the Tonto here at City Center. as of just a few days ago, actually.

[02:19]

And behind the scenes here is Barbara Mockdinger. She is hosting us this evening in the Zendo. And why don't we just start right in? So we'll start with a sitting. You know, David really did a lot of kind of guided guiding on Tuesday, just a beautiful sit. I think I will switch it up with maybe a little less guiding and more just kind of open sitting. So we'll sit for 25 minutes or so. And then I'll share a few thoughts with you. things that are kind of bubbling for me. And then I'd like to open it up to hear other people's voices and to hear what's on your minds.

[03:26]

So we'll sit for about 25 minutes. I'll share some thoughts about suffering. And then we can engage with a little Q&A together, a little conversation. So we'll start with three bells. And it will end with one. So go ahead and allow your attention to turn inward, to turn inward to this body sensation, this experience of body, of embodiment. Allow your attention to come to the weight of this body. Perhaps you feel that most in your bottom, where your bottom meets your chair, your seat, your meditation cushion.

[04:33]

Just notice your weight. Bring your attention to your lower extremities. If those are legs and feet, notice your feet on the ground. Bring your awareness to your heart area. What sensation is there? What is alive? Perhaps you're noticing your breath, awareness of breath. Your chest's rising and falling. Perhaps in the coolness of your nose. Bring your attention to your forehead. Allow yourself to relax.

[05:39]

to the base of your skull and a slight tugging upward of the skin at the base of your skull, right up through the crown of your head. Perhaps there's a little lift, a little energy there of attention. The aliveness this very moment. So we will continue allowing our awareness to rest right here, coming back to this embodied experience. a message in the chat that says please note this event is being recorded and will be posted on the sfcc.org website if you do not want to be recorded please turn off your video and I think I would add to that during the question and answer if you don't want your voice to be recorded that you can send your question through the chat so

[34:24]

Toni Morrison has many wonderful teachings, writings, and quotes. And I'm reciting this by memory, not reading this. So one of them that comes to me that I find inspiring is she said, if you want to fly, you've got to let go of the shit that holds you down. And I'm embarking on a new curriculum here at Zen Center for the newer residents. It's during the first year of residency, foundational teachings. And we've just started... the teaching of the Four Noble Truths.

[35:40]

And the Four Noble Truths are the teaching that Buddha gave when he attained enlightenment. So this is the first teaching after enlightenment. Four Noble Truths, the teaching of the Four Noble Truths, are the truth of suffering, the truth that suffering arises, the truth that suffering ceases, and the path to a life of liberation. So in this teaching, you know, Buddha with his determination, effort, his vow to not get up from under that Bodhi tree until he was enlightened.

[36:54]

And what he realized was amazing. It's the truth of our boundless, unfathomable, interconnected, interconnectedness, vast heart, you know, just amazing what that enlightenment must have been. And the truth of that, you know, and that we are swimming in that, you know, that he saw that we are just swimming in that all the time. It is right here. this incredible love connection, boundlessness. And the teaching that he gave was about suffering and the shit that weighs us down, you know, our upside down thinking.

[37:58]

And out of his compassion and his commitment to save and free all beings, this teaching of suffering. And then this is exciting. The movement actually that suffering arises and that suffering ceases and that there is a life, there's a path on which to return and turn toward and walk on through this life. So suffering. Suffering arises. Or so we are taught. So the teaching goes. Out of ignorance.

[39:06]

And suffering arises out of desire. So Suzuki Roshi said. Suffering includes various kinds of confusion or fears we may have because of our lack of understanding of our life, our lack of understanding of this human realm. The reason we suffer, said Suzuki Roshi, according to the Buddha, is because we have desire. So lack of understanding about life, this is a fundamental ignorance that leads to suffering that arises, that we get to study, that we actually can see. So in Zazen, we vow not to move. We are going to sit and we see what arises in the body.

[40:11]

And we see that Either we are drawn towards it, we want more of it, or we push it away. We want less of it. So according to Buddhist theory or Buddhist thought, the root of suffering and is at that root of is this tension of pushing away what's happening in this moment, pushing away the current moment, or trying to turn it into something different than it is. So this pushing and pulling. And this is where we live moment after moment. This is our reality because

[41:14]

either want things to be a little bit different in a better way, or we want to extinguish something. So desires, there are three different kinds of desires, we're told. One is a grasping for sense pleasure. And the second type of suffering is a desire for becoming. A desire for becoming something a little bit different than what we are, you know? And this includes like always striving to be something different than we are, you know? This comes from our discomfort of actually being in this moment and experiencing myself who I am in this moment. So this desire of becoming, you know, even the desire of wanting the world to be different, wanting the world to be right. You know, even our best intentions is a desire for becoming something different.

[42:18]

And then the pushing away is the desire for non-existence or for extinguishing. Extinguishing this discomfort, this jealousy, this anger. This is not me. This is not who I am. So right there is where we are often practicing. And it's taking up this practice, this training, how we're trained in Zazen to keep returning to this experience, returning to this embodied experience. You know, I... I think our brains, our minds can't even understand. Like we're trying to understand this point where we separate from reality. We're pulled in these two different directions, these two desire realms.

[43:25]

And our bodies though are very accurate. Our bodies are always right here. They're not going into the future. They're not in the past. They're right here. So it's a place of reference for us when we are practicing this way. When we, and I say we here as Buddhist practitioners, as seekers, as meditators who are practicing Zazen meditation. You know, there's this encouragement in Zazen moment after moment to return to Zazen. this moment right now and noticing, noticing the pushing and the pulling, the separation from. And then I think also, you know, this takes a lot of compassion and kindness.

[44:27]

And as David said on Tuesday, you know, if we're going to build a resiliency for really meeting what is here, the non-judging. There's so much judgment that comes with this study. So in today's conversation, it struck me, it takes a while to actually see our suffering. It's what brings many of us to practice kind of this having the rug pulled out from underneath us. Our world turned upside down or a big opening that maybe wasn't really particularly welcome or pushing this cart and cart finally just slipping out from underneath us.

[45:33]

It's like, this is not gonna work any longer, this way of going through life. So this awareness of suffering often brings us to the path, often brings us to practice. My partner, Miles, often says people don't come to San Francisco Zen Center because they're on a winning streak, you know. So someone in the class today said, you know, oh, I'm really happy here. And, you know, I don't I'm not suffering much, you know. So there's this. Suzuki Roshi said he really loved the students, I think he called them mischievous, you know, who really come forward and that he could really engage with because they had questions and they laid it out, you know. And he could engage with that. He could help them see their thinking, their suffering, their liberation.

[46:41]

So when the student said this earlier today, it occurred to me, it's like, when we talk about this, that we're completely interconnected, we're completely one being. And in the world right now, we, and now I'm saying we as those of us who have been conditioned as white people, there's a layer of suffering that we just haven't really, it hasn't been impacting a lot of us white people. And the demonstrations, things are getting more quiet. I know a lot of people are studying. A lot of people are taking up studies and there's this hope right now for a deep change to happen.

[47:49]

Yet, how do we get to that layer of suffering? How do we really understand that we are connected to those beings who are suffering day in and day out? And that is our suffering too. So that wasn't where she was going today with her question of, you know, or observation. I don't feel my suffering much. You know, so... I guess it's just more of a question that I want to bring to us, you know, I want to bring is how do we stay connected to that suffering, to the suffering of others from a place perhaps of safety and security. And Miles and I were watching the other night, this whole piece on evictions, you know? So maybe this is happening to you now, you know, maybe you are living with this

[48:52]

this suffering. So I will leave that question for us. And I do want to leave time for we have about 15 minutes to offer comments and questions. Please click on your participants button down on the bottom. I'm reading this in the chat. And then there's a little place that says raise hand and a little handle go up. And I think you can. all unmute yourselves at this point. So if anyone has a question, why don't you go ahead and raise your hand. I don't see anything yet. Oh, Anne, Anne Taze. Anne, go ahead and unmute yourself. Okay. Okay. Thank you for... I don't know the basics of Buddhism, so I'm really happy in these Zoom meetings that they kind of teach us stuff.

[49:57]

I mean, I've gone to Green Gulch and been a guest student and stuff, but it's hard to... It's just like experiential, you know? So I was really thinking about this. It's not... I was really thinking about this today. Okay, so... So I love to ride my bike. I go cycling, and I'm doing more and more hours doing it. And I live in the Monterey Bay area. And today I went on a bike ride. I went on 17-mile drive with the Pebble Beach golf course and 17-mile drive are all kind of like intermixed. Yeah. And, I mean, when I was in the part about – I mean, when I went first part of the ride, you know, you're really close to the ocean. So it's just it's so beautiful. It's like it's it's just like it's like mesmerizingly beautiful.

[51:01]

I don't it's really windy and everything, but it's just so amazing. And then I feel good, except I. I don't like that there are private houses there on the other side. But then the road turns in and you can't be next to the water anymore because, I mean, this is kind of like a Monterey Bay thing, but it's like either the road sticks along the coast and they build over there, but this one they previously made the road go inward so that you could have these castles built. So, you know, I always get really upset about it because it cuts over. I mean, you can't see it. It's just become someone else's view. And I'm also really creeped out by it. Like today, it's just, there's these, like, they are castles.

[52:03]

These places aren't, no one's there. They aren't lived in. But I was struggling with this, you know, jealousy. of the people who were to do that. And then I, but always I go in there and I feel like this is suffering. Somehow I feel like this is suffering that these, this is a, these giant, you know, empty castles are some kind of manifestation of suffering too. And I always, I always feel like that. And then you get to the, I mean, one I've drove by and they were making the driveway, combing it like a Zen garden. Yeah. The driveway. And it's just, and it's always, and then, you know, it's all white who own everything. And then there's, you know, the brown people, you know, working on them. And you get to the golf course and it's just like pure whiteness, you know, except for some Asians. And it's like, it's just, the whole thing creeps me out.

[53:07]

And yeah, I don't know. I just, But I don't know where I get the sense of suffering with these giant empty buildings. I think they're owned by oil company people or. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry. I just like it's just I have this experience over and over. OK, so. So one way to explore this particular suffering, I would say, is for you to journal. Because there's many, many, many layers of what you just shared with us. So I would start to unpack this a little bit and try and break it down into smaller pieces. Because this is, and start with, start with your felt sensation. You know, this is very alive for you. So you're still in it.

[54:08]

And you could do this when we get out of here. You could work with a repeating sentence like, what is this that's coming up? And that is a wonderful question, actually. What is this? We work with we. In practice, it can be helpful to work with a turning question. So you're actually in the experience. So that's where we start. We start with the felt experience. We notice that something is arising. And the more that we do this and come back to our felt experience, the sooner we can kind of catch the thought that is arising and the suffering, like what we're doing in that moment, how we're separating from that moment. Well, you can feel the pushing away.

[55:09]

You can feel the wanting more. So you can start getting closer to actually what the thinking is that's connected with that particular suffering. So if you can stay with the body, I realize you're on your bike and you're probably going like at top speed. I live with a cyclist. Not around. Okay. Because I want to go for a long time. Okay. Okay. Okay. So, but I'm just saying this kind of noting and noticing is you're bringing it to a different level when you're on a bike, you know? So things are just sensory awareness. Like there's just a lot coming in at once, but I would say, start unpacking this, you know? And right now it's really kind of swirling. So you, you don't like, if you could choose one in point in one, one point of entry to actually understand just even one piece of it, I think it would be really helpful.

[56:12]

And I just want to say, I grew up going to Lake Tahoe when it was single cabins and they were all knocked down and there's all there is is mansions up there now. And yeah, development and who's let in and who's not let in, it's something to get engaged in at a city council level, perhaps. So- criminal, but I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah. You can turn this into actually something where maybe you feel like you can engage it on a real change level. Well, I just feel like it's a metaphor for everything that's wrong in America, this whole thing. And I know like in that school district, there's a population of Mexican or Hispanic people. And they, they just, they don't even have electricity. That's just, and they're going to like Carmel high school and all that. It just, it boggles my mind.

[57:12]

I don't, I mean, and yet what am I going to do? I can't do anything. I don't agree. I don't think that you can't do it. I think we all have to do something actually. Yeah. Okay. I'll try to do that. I'll try. Yeah. I think it's when it's so much and it's so overwhelming that grounding in meditation can be really helpful. And it's what you're doing, obviously. And when everything gets poured together like that, it can be really overwhelming. So... to start to pull it apart as best you can. And I hope that helped a little bit. Yeah, totally, yeah. Thank you so much for your question, Anne.

[58:14]

Thank you. I think we have time for one more question. We have two minutes. And if you have to leave, you can just leave. Hopefully Barbara, our host, won't leave us. Is there any other questions? No blue hands. No question, Tim? Oh, wait, there's one. Oh, is there? Hi, how are you? Thank you so much for that guided meditation. It was so impactful for me. I was having a hard day, so I really appreciated it, and I hope I could have done it justice with no judgments. I was wondering, there was just a piece of information that I missed, and I found it really interesting what you were saying about the suffering of white people. And I wanted you to tell me what I missed because you said that there was a layer of suffering and then my roommates came in and I couldn't hear you. And I'm wondering, do you remember what you said right after there was a layer of suffering?

[59:17]

Maybe I was saying that, oh, I think it might be. I was saying that there is because of our complete interconnectedness, that there is a layer of suffering that has come to the surface right now that we are being made aware of that oftentimes for people who are white conditioned, it's not our day-to-day experience and we are not aware of the extent of the suffering for black people, people of color. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I hope it was okay to ask you to repeat that. Oh, totally. I know what you were saying. Thank you. Yes. Yeah. I hate to say goodbye. There's my mother-in-law. She would have been my mother-in-law this month, but we called off our wedding.

[60:22]

We're postponing our wedding. But she's here sitting meditation. Hi, Brittany. Okay, everyone, let's unmute and say things to each other. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, everyone. I love all these people that I only know through our Zoom online window. It's so awesome. Hi, Barbara. Hi, Paula. Hi, Fred. Hi, Lily. Hi, Miles. That's Miles. He's another room. I've been hearing the echo of my voice the whole time. Hi, Barbara. Hi, Miles. Thank you so much, Barbara. You're welcome. Bye, Mary Watson.

[61:27]

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye. We miss you. Congratulations, Nancy. Oh, thank you, Peter. Bye, everybody. Bye, everyone. Bye, Laurel. Congratulations. Sorry you have a postponement. Vicki Austin is my friend. I'm actually in Boston. I looked up to see how I could start entering into meditation again. I come from Vipassana, but Iyengar yoga primarily. So I'm now committed to seated practice and I see the value. And so I'm just trying to flow with it because I was going to the Shambhala Center. So I just... I'm coming here now. So I came Tuesday. So I'm hoping to integrate daily so I can have the structure there. So when I meditate independently, that residue is there to help me.

[62:29]

But I have been successfully doing sits by myself, but I time it when others are sitting, even if I'm not with them. So I kind of feel that I'm entering the Sangha. I think that helps. It makes such a difference to sit with other people. Your energy really calms my mind. Seriously. So anyway, I'm sorry to hold you here, but I wanted to just introduce myself because, you know, we're all part of a group and I wanted to be coming regularly. So anyway, I'm all nice to meet you. Thank you for your lead. Thank you for addressing the questions of those who came up. Anyway, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for introducing yourself because I think it makes a difference to sit with other people and also to be accountable to other people. So, you know, so I agree. Introducing yourself. Okay, great. Yeah, I'll keep an eye on you. Okay, yeah.

[63:31]

Out for you. All right. You too. Nice to meet you, Laurel. Take care. Bye-bye.

[63:38]

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