This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Evening. Welcome to everyone. Thank you for coming, especially to people who don't live in the temple. What's so funny about that? So when we come to a practice period, we concentrate our efforts. And at times, we might have a turning moment. By that, I mean that we see or experience or realize something out of our usual habitual way. So I had one recently, so tonight I'd like to share that with you.

[01:01]

This practice spirit, we're studying the Genjo Koan. It's a fascicle by Dogen. And Genjo Koan means actualizing the fundamental point or the actualization of reality. I want to talk about a section that starts with this way. When Dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, you think it is already sufficient. When Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing. Of course, I've chanted this many times before, especially at Tassajara, where we do it every practice week. Yet at the beginning of this practice period, when we read it, these two lines leapt out at me.

[02:06]

And I thought, wait a minute. I thought with practice, I would feel whole and complete. Not that something would be missing, right? When Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing. What does that mean? So I read on, trying to look for an answer. So it continues. For example, when you sail out in a boat to the midst of an ocean, when no land is in sight, and view the four directions, the ocean looks circular and does not look any other way. But the ocean is neither round nor square. Its features are infinite in variety. It is like a palace. It is like a jewel. It only looks circular as far as you can see at that time.

[03:10]

All things are like this. Though there are many features in the dusty world and the world beyond conditions, you see and understand only what your eye of practice can reach. In order to learn the nature of the myriad things, you must know that although they may look round or square, the other features of oceans and mountains are infinite in variety. Whole worlds are there. It is so not only around you, but also directly beneath your feet or in a drop of water. Very poetic. And I could kind of get the sense of it. I remember I think it was in the Genjo Koan class. I said, does that mean to give it the benefit of the doubt? Knowing that my view of things is not necessarily the only view of things. Shohaku Okamura, in his latest book called Realizing Genjo Koan, says this passage symbolically illustrates how each of us views reality differently.

[04:23]

using concepts and images that depend on our karma. He later states, Dogen says that we cannot be certain that there is an objective, true reality of water that exists outside of the relationship between what is viewing the water that is being viewed. Oh, excuse me. The relationship between beings that are viewing the water that is being viewed. And in a sense, the relationship between being and water creates the being's view of water. The important point for Dogen is how one acts or practices in this relationship with the myriad dharmas. So, This example of the ocean looking circular, like a palace, like a jewel, I think is an explanation of how we all see things in different ways based on our experiences and conditioning, and that our perspective is dependent on the interaction, on the object, on the person that we're interacting with, on the experience we're having.

[05:49]

So back to the first of the two Sentences. When Dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, you think it's already sufficient. Recently, someone, you know, I have tea with people. And someone in tea was telling me that they like to talk with beginners. People are new to the practice. Because these people ask questions and are very refreshing. whereas people who've practiced for a while think they know everything and don't ask any questions. Yasutani Roshi in Flowers Fall puts it a little bit more bluntly. There is nothing difficult to understand in the text of this section. Dharma here is the Buddha Dharma. It means the Buddha way.

[06:54]

When in our body and mind we are not sufficiently possessed of the Buddha Dharma, and accordingly we cannot chew up the Buddha way sufficiently, we give rise to the deluded view that we have understood the Buddha Dharma fully. That's the disease of arrogance. The worst cases are the ones who become boastful with their first small glimpse of their true nature. Therefore, those who think that the first shallow glimpse of their true nature is good enough and give up their study of the way under a master are truly pitiable. Those who just catch a glimpse of one aspect of the Dharma and then become lax will find that their insight completely vanishes again. The memory of seeing your true nature lasts for a while, but that memory is just a shadow, not a real thing.

[08:02]

Therefore, it's not realized in that person's character or his lifestyle. It's nothing more than giving rise to an arrogant, self-centered idea that one has realized his true nature or her true nature. So I don't think there's much more we need to say about that. So we'll move to the second line. So Shohakwokamur again, and realizing Genjo Koan, has this to say. True realization, Dogen wrote, goes beyond seeing the unity of things. The sentence, when the Dharma fills body and mind, one thinks something is still lacking. means that when truly filled by Dharma, we see the incompleteness of our practice and perceive that the characteristics of all things are subtle, complex, and innumerable.

[09:08]

We then understand that we must inquire endlessly into the nature of all things. And as bodhisattvas, we must perpetually explore the proper way to sincerely practice with all beings. We see that the moon has infinite heights and that our lives as individuals have infinite depth. Yet we also realize that as individuals, what we can see is limited. No matter how deep, how high, or how broadly we focus our vision, our view will always be limited. To see this limit is wisdom. So I'll repeat that. To see this limit is wisdom. In our version, right, when the Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing.

[10:14]

The key is that you understand something is missing. And we usually think of limits as a sense of lack, a sense of something's missing. When something's missing, we want to feel it. We're not comfortable with this sense of lack. As some of you who have heard my talks in the past couple of years in the community, I've been actively working in many of my talks to point towards how it seems that we approach practice, we approach Buddhism from this sense of lack, we approach it with a sense of self-help, you know, how can I improve myself? That somehow, if we fix ourself, or our partner, you know, our parents, our coworkers, then maybe our lives would be better.

[11:20]

So I try to counteract that by talking about, like Suzuki Roshi's saying, you're already perfect the way you are. or talk about Buddha nature, how we all have it, or it's like a seed and we just need to water it for it to bloom, how we can uncover it, or how, for Dogen, we are Buddha nature. And on a certain level, I've been pretty successful, I'd say. And by successful, I would mean that it has given people some ease. their lives and certainly some ease in my life but tonight i want to share with you this turning i've had which is that we need to hold and explore a sense of lack perhaps we could even say we embrace it

[12:27]

because the wisdom is in knowing the lack, the subtlety, the complexity of lack. Maybe we can approach it in a different way. Tygen Layton in a talk in 2006 has this to say in relation to When your body is filled... Excuse me. When Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing. He says, this goes to the first noble truth of suffering and unsatisfactoriness, that things are...

[13:34]

a little out of alignment. But please hear that Dogen says that when Dharma fills your whole body and mind, when the teaching and reality occupies you, expresses you, and arises in you completely, then you realize something is missing. The reality of our life and of the world is that there is this lack You may feel it in yourself, but actually it's not just you. You might feel that you are the only one who feels some lack, but actually this is our situation as human beings and as Buddhas. Something is missing. So let me repeat this. This is our situation as human beings and as Buddhas. Something is missing. So in that spirit, I'd like to share a couple of examples where I feel like a sense of lack, a sense of something's missing, was actually an easing of suffering as opposed to a pause of suffering.

[14:52]

I know we all have these. And I think it's important that we talk about how you know we could study dogen and i could read some more passages but what's important is how it affects our lives and our practice so the first example is um actually my first summer at pasajara i came out to do the three-week intensive here blanche was leading it was i think her last year of being abbess and um You know, the summer intensive is three weeks of, like, a Tassajara schedule. So at the end, there's a five-day sashim. And in the middle of the sashim, I woke up in the middle of the night transfixed by the thought, I don't know how to love. And then immediately, I had a plan to fix it.

[15:58]

At that time, my... You know, I'm just going to toss her, but really my Buddhist community was this Buddhist of color group that I helped start, and myself, Jessica Tan, and Lauren Leslie were the organizers. And my plan was that I would talk to Lauren Leslie, and she would help me. Somehow I had this real trust that she could help me with this problem. Then I heard... and poof, the anxiety that came with that thought that I didn't know how to love disappeared, and I fell back asleep instantly. Example number two. So now I'm at Tassajara in my second year, my fourth practice period. We're in the middle of the second sashin of the practice period, so we're at least halfway through.

[17:08]

And on the third day, probably, I think usually a second sashin is only a five day. And the practice leader was presenting the wild duck koan. The koan goes like this. Master Ma... is walking in the garden with a monk, Bajan. Suddenly, a bird flew up. Master Ma asked, what's that? The monk answered, wild duck. Master Ma then said, where did they go? And the monk replied, they flew away. Master Ma then twists Bai Zhang's nose so hard that he cried out in pain. At this point, the practice leader goes on to say, and I quote, Zen masters should carry a napkin.

[18:24]

Better to get a grip that way. Otherwise, It slips off just when you're getting good traction. Chinese people don't have big noses either. You know they're kind of flat, so they're not that easy to get a hold of. Not like a Greek or Roman nose. Someone's nodding, they remember. End quote. There was much laughter from the assembly. At the end of this, for me, you know, I was sitting in kind of like a couple seats in from the corner of the zendo. The practice leader is in the middle, of course. And all of a sudden, the zendo became long and far away.

[19:31]

It wasn't me that moved. The sensation was that the zendo went long and far away. And along with it was the practice leader and the whole assembly. Then I heard, ah, other. So in terms of experience, Only the sensation of the room becoming elongated away from me, right? There was no contraction of the chest, no pain in the heart, no tightening of the throat, no stories, just a pure, Physical pain was missing.

[20:40]

Emotional pain was missing, lacking. A story was missing. Insight happened. Ah, other. I felt whole as part of the group. And with this arising, I felt other. It was a very, very educational moment for me because it wasn't the usual tightening physically, emotionally, mentally. I understood that what I always thought of as a sense of lack in myself was really conditions removing me from the whole, or giving me the sense of the whole.

[21:41]

That's a better way. Does that make sense? It isn't that I'm lacking. It was conditions which created a sense of lack. So the lack is not mine alone, or perhaps not mine at all. The emotional and physical pain that often arose with such events was missing, leaving room for insight into the essence of things, the fundamental point for me. So what is it that we're actualizing? Realizing what is the fundamental point? We actualize what we have.

[22:44]

We actualize by being with things fully so that we get down to the fundamental point from our limited but subtle, complex, and full life. It is only our eye where our eye of practice can reach. And the view may not be the one we want or we thought that we would see. But the truth will reveal itself to us. You can call it my truth. You can call it absolute truth if you want. But the fact that whether it's my truth only is not a problem. The other day in the Genjo Koan class, I heard myself say that maybe we should relax into our delusion.

[23:54]

And I would say in the context of tonight's topic, relax into our delusion of lack. Relax into our anxiety when we think something is missing. instead of approaching it as something awful to be gotten rid of, to get over as quickly as possible, what if we practice with it as a gift? A gift of awareness? A gift of aliveness? We have this written down, and maybe it doesn't fit exactly into my talk.

[25:04]

But I'm reminded of when I was practicing at Hoshinji in Japan, the other Hoshinji, with Sakyaharada Roshi. And there was this other American nun who was practicing there. And she was very mean to me. In retrospect, we had started Tassahara together, and then she left, and I continued my three-plus years there. So when I went to Japan, I had come straight from Tassahara pretty much. So I was really embedded in the practice, and I think she had done other things. So it was more difficult for her to adjust, and it was pretty easy for me. And that, I think, you know, set up for her. It was difficult for her.

[26:07]

And so she took it out by making asides to me about how awful I was and how I should go home and I'm worthless, things like that. And I tried to let it go. And then one time, she literally said, you know, you're worthless. And I just broke down crying. And I was in the middle of Oriyaki. You know, because you said it as we were running in. In Japan, you do everything fast. You're running in to have Oriyaki. And then I just burst out crying. And so that Sakihara Roshi heard about it. And so, you know, at the time, I was in what they call the Nisodo, right? The Nisodo. Soto for the nuns, which we literally had one and a half mat as our space, right? So there were three of us, and including this nun that was so mean to me.

[27:11]

And so he moved her to her own room, which is incredibly rare in Japan. Nobody hardly ever gets their own room, and certainly not someone of such low rank. But that was his response. So I go in the next day to have dokasan with him. And having had this experience, and when I left Asahara, I had a lot of pain about what I perceived to be conditions that were, in a mile away, you could say, not conducive to my health. And another, you could say, hatred. So I go into him and I say, you know, with a lot of feelings, because I was really distressed, why is it that hatred seems to follow me?

[28:20]

And I expected him, you know, after he'd moved this nun, you know, to my son's in a way saving me, right, that he would go into what we often experience here, you know, some kind of discussion about it, something to make me feel better, because I was distressed. So again, I say to him, you're right, why is it that hatred seems to follow me? And he said, no hatred completely. Ding, ding, [...] ding. The bell rang, and I had to leave. I'm not exaggerating, right? So, it was really amazing, to be honest, because what I got from it was that I was always running away from the pain when meanness, hatred came at me.

[29:27]

You know, instead of fully experiencing The feelings that come when any kind of hatred, be it mild or not, comes at you. That sense of lack that arises, right? When you feel like something about you, your race, your gender, your efforts, is being Again, I'm not sure how it fits in the talk, but it seemed to arise. So I want to end by dedicating this talk to suffering, to those who suffer.

[30:29]

to those who create conditions for the arising of suffering. Thank you. Do we have time for questions? 20 after. Infinite and full variety. And subtle, you know. I don't understand it completely. Certainly. You know, I think for some of us, just the expression of our limited view

[31:48]

It's a lot. Maybe most of us, I don't know. But for some of us, these eight inches make a big difference. That's for us. Does that match? Let's see. Mostly, I think we all understood, including her, that she just had the difficulty with the schedule, with doing things.

[32:52]

you know how we were at Tassahara, you know, my form is quite good, which is a big deal in Japan, right, your form. And, you know, I came straight from Tassahara, which, I mean, the one thing I learned about my experience in Japan is that Tassahara is very well set up as a Sotoshu monastic setting, because I was in the official Sotoshu monastic setting. And it was very similar, except we worked more in Japan. So I didn't have a hard time just switching. Like bringing this thing up, not so simple. You have to have your feet in a certain place, four steps, and they're very, very specific, and they expect you to practice. So when they say this is how you do it, you just practice all the time. And they expect it to be really perfect. And I was fortunate to have tea practice and such that helped me to be able to do those things with relative ease.

[34:03]

And for this person, it was a lot harder. And we had a German monk who spoke Japanese and English. And he'd been there like seven years. And so he was our, like, work leader, everything leader. And he was pretty harsh, you know, because he was like, do it right. And when it was hard for her, he would scold her with just the style in Japan. And it was hard for her. She stayed in that room all by herself. Yeah. A long time. Is that what you mean? When I left, she said, good riddance. She said good riddance on the aside, not in public. I mean, you know, but they wouldn't kick her out or anything like that. Yes?

[35:03]

Uh-huh. No, I had the thought, but no. No. Actually, I fell back asleep not because of the plan, but because I understood it was just a thought. It was just a thought that I don't know how to love, period. That it didn't have any more traction. I had the thought, and then my typical way of responding is to have a plan to fix it. I had the thought. I don't know how to love. And then in my head, I heard basically consciousness saying, thought, that's all you have is a thought. It's only a thought.

[36:12]

So it lost its traction and I fell back asleep. It was resolved. Now it's just a nice story. Yes, Lucy. That's not for me to answer. Yes? Why does hatred follow me? What his response was? I couldn't hear. Oh, his response was no hatred completely. David, I think you're first. And how do you practice with it? And how do you practice when there's leaks? And then what? When you leak self-hatred. When I... Leak? Oh, leak self-hatred. Oh, goodness. So, I'm sorry, what was the first one?

[37:17]

Do you experience self-hatred? Do I experience? Of course. I practice with it by noting it. And... if possible, the sensation of it in the body, and like, as much as possible, staying with that, to be honest, and staying with the sensation, the body sensation, and not so much with the story. And when I leak it, self-hatred. Oh, gosh, probably many ways. I used to be really passive-aggressive. I don't think you could say that about me much anymore. I'm pretty direct if I'm angry. I want to be aggressive, so... I don't know. Do you have... Are you trying to point for something?

[38:18]

How would you encourage someone else to... And the point about looking at one's own topic is just to notice, to be aware of this, not to engage in mistakes. I actually wouldn't quite say not to put a story because the story's there. Maybe not clinging to the story so much, maybe. But that might be another talk that there's validity in the story. Yeah. Sorry. There's that aspect. When you can't stay with it, you know, I would go to someone that I trust to in a way to be perfectly to witness the pain of whatever it is first.

[39:26]

Not actually to get rid of a leaky or the self-hatred, but someone who can understand why you would have that self-hatred, preferably from a societal standpoint, not, you know, your mother didn't properly raise you or whatever. The institutional, cultural reasons for it. Basically someone who can give you a broader, clearer view, take you out of that. That's a personal to me. Does that make sense? To a friend. A trusted friend. Does that answer your question? Use it first. Oh, like the first thing if I could, that's what I would do. That's what I meant. You're welcome. Yes, did you have your hand up? Oh, yeah. Oh, to know hatred.

[40:27]

What do you think it might mean? A little bit, I would say, it could be anything. It could be knowing the sensation when you feel hatred. I mean, that's a useful way to work with it. It could be knowing what the story is, but more the story, not the proliferation or the... turning of the story. Better yet, to know the energy of that turning. Does that make sense? I think that anything that's uncomfortable, especially really strong things, we try to get away from it. And as long as we keep running, we won't know what it is that is really that will keep that uncomfortable feeling happening over and over.

[41:36]

It's kind of like, you know, most of us, when something's new, let's say I say to you, go do a triathlon, you know, and you hate sports, so you're like, well, that'd be awful. I can't do that. You know, all the reasons why, and then maybe you go and try it, and... It's really great. So we kind of, you know, have an idea of how things might be. That's an easy thing when it's something we don't really want, like, you know, a sense of lack or a sense that I'm not complete or a sense that I'm less than. Does that help? Anyone on the side? Yes, Karen. So Lucy just asked you if you know how to love now, and you said, that's not for me to say. So then, for whom is it to say, because we all want to talk about love? But not about my love, so. Or are you, let's have tea again then, Sharon, if that's what you want to talk about.

[42:54]

Oh, people I interact with, of course. You, at that tee, please. Not now. Yes? I love you. circle that I had started on, there's a person that's troubling me. And then when we talked about the analogy of the ocean, and how the level seems to exist that way, or perception. It seems to be that it's perceived, and yet it's infinitely complex. And so

[43:56]

So I was connecting with that, and I was connecting with this person. And did that give you ease? It did. Oh good. It was more that I understood kind of like the stuff I said, you know, that painful for her to be keeping you know we were like the two new nuns we were about the same height and so every ceremony we were matched together doing the same thing and there were a lot of ceremonies so we were always being compared to each other so as you know you know at first you know when she was saying all these things I just didn't really have any sense of why I mean that was part of my thing is like

[45:23]

Why? I'm just trying to do the best I can. And then when I started to see that we were always being compared to each other and she was always found lacking, that's where it came from. It became easier to, not easier to take necessarily, but easier to understand the arising of it. Is that what you mean? Since then, you're saying?

[46:29]

Similar to my answer to David, I would say that I try to find the body sensation and to note it, follow it. And by sensation, I do mean exact sensation, right? Tingling, heat, in part to take myself away from the story, you know, of it. And then to be perfectly honest, I probably would have a good cry to experience that. The pain also, the emotional pain. The sensation in a way is a good way to ground yourself. It shouldn't be used as a way to get away from the sadness of whatever sense of lack that arose. You know, which keeps arising is just how you handle it or how you care for it. That's, I feel, is practice.

[47:36]

Not getting rid of them, but learning how to care for it in different ways so that there's more ease for me and for everyone else. As in less suffering, not as in cushiness that can ease. Lauren. I'm not sure to which part you're speaking. In part, I guess I can't quite hear you. Which part did I say what? Are you the quote from Dogen?

[48:52]

From the Genjo Koan? When your body is... When the armor fills your body, you understand that something is missing? Yeah. So your question to that. So I think what it's saying is that as a human condition, we always think something is lacking. and perhaps as a Buddha condition. And so it isn't the fact that something is lacking is the issue. The fact is, how do we interact with a sense of lack? Our suffering is, we always think there's lack. I mean, we could work with it by knowing when it feels full.

[49:55]

In a way I was trying to say we could work with it by seeing how when something is lacking, it can give you ease as opposed to most of us think when something's lacking, it's painful. But sometimes when something's lacking, it actually opens us up. Does that make sense? Does that answer your question? We have tea next week. We can try in half an hour and see. We can try. Anyone else? Yes, Judith. Hi. How many napkins? How many napkins?

[50:55]

find that approach useful. I mostly use my napkin to blow my nose. Anyone else? Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[51:48]

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