Kathleen, aren't you going to offices and directors? Yeah, don't you have to do that? Three minutes? No, that's okay, I understand. And Blanche also. I think. Here comes Kathy. I think so. Yes. Thanks. So, I just wanted to just kind of remind us of what we're doing and where we are.

[01:15]

We've just been sitting for... We've been doing the intensive for, what, ten days or something? Ten days. Long time. The eleventh day or twelfth day or something like that. And it's appropriate to be wherever it is you are. It's kind of like going into a tunnel. And there's light on one end of the tunnel. In the beginning. And in the middle of the tunnel, it's kind of dark, often.

[02:15]

And... And we chug along in the tunnel until we get near the end of the tunnel and the light comes back a little bit. So... So... So, I think... I think we should know where we are in the process. Because it gives us... it'll give us a little bit of perspective. We're doing something that is difficult. It's not easy. It's really difficult. And partly it's difficult because our sweet little separate selves that we've depended on for so long has an idea of what we're doing and does not like it. The self that we took so many years to build and has helped us, really, for all this time,

[03:21]

it really doesn't have anything to do in the present moment. When we're really present, we don't need it. So it does its damnedest to keep us occupied with other things. And it doesn't really care too much what those other things are. So, if it's got our attention with bliss, fine. If it has our attention with enormous amounts of suffering, fine. It's okay. The kind of trick about the whole thing, from our point of view, is that all we need to do with the content of this mind that's going on and on and on, or the body, the emotions that are going on and on and on, is to just surrender to whatever exactly it is where we're at.

[04:25]

It's really, really, really okay. It's okay if we're kind of miserable. I mean, if you can bear that. It really is. It's okay if we're uncomfortable. It's okay if we're, you know... It's okay if we are in any place, in any of the realms, if it's the hell realm or the animal realm, the hungry ghost realm, human realm, jealous gods, gods, it's okay. It's really, really okay. It's okay, ultimately, because... But the one, the one, the one, the one... The one... The oneness, the one life-self... Huh? It's okay.

[05:27]

No, here, you can do it. That we are all... It includes the pain and the suffering. Nothing is excluded. We don't have to... Something that... We already are life itself. Self and... We are. So... Are... Enough. If we're just patient... Yes. If we're patient, if we just kind of... ... ...Causes and conditions, and so on, and so forth...

[06:30]

It's okay if we... Thank you so much, Josh. Because it turns out... And... It's kind of an interesting thought here. It turns out, what is actually... what is healing? What is going to... what is going to trans... so-called transform? Only from the point of view of delusion, there's nothing to transform. We don't have to work so... we don't have to work so hard at transforming anything. But from the point of view... I don't mind... oh, there... oh, it's the antenna. It's a connection. Oh, the thing. That was... ...

[07:39]

Oh. ... ... Is that okay? Hello? No? Hello? Yes? Hello? How's that? Yeah, there we are. Okay, good. You know, so it's only from the point of view of... Okay. Oh, I see, I just mocked up the antenna. There it is. The antenna is squished. There. ...

[08:52]

Lifeness is going on. ... Just like the battery. ... To do, be aware of it, and awareness... ... There's not... ... Don't have... Better, we don't have to... nothing. All we have to do is let ourselves be in the present moment, vaguely... ... Not okay, then we're going to struggle with it. So, so long as you... Trungpa defined the small self as struggle. That's how he defined it. That's pretty interesting. So, if we just surrender... ... Moment, if we can just surrender...

[09:56]

... ... ... And with some kind of... ... ... Awareness of it, to be in touch... ... ...

[11:01]

... ... ... Whatever realm you happen to be in. And, hopefully, don't hold on to any of it. That's all. Just, if you, if we just can let the thing flow a little bit. Just flow. Don't hold on. Try to stay on... And with a kind of... Don't struggle too much with it. Surrender. If as it is, we'll take care of itself. So, what... There are five traditional things that prevent us from doing that. And I want to mention them because we're going to be doing Seshin pretty soon. And we should know what particular hindrance is our particular hindrance. If we're familiar with it, it really helps.

[12:06]

Yeah? Surrender is not indulging. No. But, you know, but the thing is, if you're in a place where you're indulging, just know that that's happening. Watch what it ends up to be, whether you suffer or not by indulging. It's awareness that really does... makes the difference. If that's where you're at, then that's where you're at. That's okay. Ultimately, fine. It'll settle itself if we just stay awake. So, the first hindrance, the first classical hindrance is wanting or greed. Some of us are greed types. Greed is characterized by a sense of poverty, a sense of lack based on separation. The deepest kind of wanting is based on what Katagiri Roshi called thirsting desire.

[13:10]

It's that even when everything goes perfectly well and there's a moment of just stopping and you kind of check in with yourself, there's this kind of vague sort of thought of it's not enough, that kind of thing. It's there all the time. Katagiri Roshi called it the scream. It's a very quiet scream. The second one is aversion. Some people are just, you know, have a lot of anger, hate, rage, or even just plain old slight averting. It's good to know which one our tendency is because there are different ways to take care of these things. So anger is kind of aversion from? From being present. All of these hindrances are about not being present.

[14:14]

Sloth is a really interesting one. That was never, I didn't never have such trouble with sloth, but there are three kinds of sloth or torpor. One is just because you're tired and you really just need to sleep. So you come to Zazen and you poop right out. And that's okay. Nothing wrong with it. Just know that you're really tired. You need some extra sleep. You go to sleep. But the other two are a little tricky. One is that you fall asleep because you're avoiding some feeling that you don't want to recognize. So watch out for that one. And the other one is that, now this is a really interesting one for sitters, for Zazen people. You're not exactly asleep. You're awake and you think you're sitting and you're even calm, but there's no energy of awakeness there. That kind of Zazen is very typical for Soto Zen people.

[15:20]

We're awake-ish, which is not Zazen. You have to generate energy and an alert kind of crisp awareness. You need energy to rise. Make sure your posture is really awake. Open your eyes if you need to. Put water on your face before you come in. Know that that's what you're doing. Maybe make yourself into a little bit tighter, you know, posture so there's just a teeny... I don't really... Don't do this, okay? Just a little bit more pain, sometimes it helps. Anger, what to do with it? Well, you know, as with all of these things, ultimately what to do is to be upright in the midst of it

[16:22]

and start with the smallest kinds of irritating. Make sure you're able to be upright, not grabbing or averting from little irritations, and slowly the bigger ones you can deal with and sit still. Anger is just energy. It's kind of pleasant, actually, because it's very energetic. I like anger myself. Although, you know, the Dalai Lama says of all of the things, anger is never helpful. It was just, you know, like never. I thought that was really interesting and true. The next one is restlessness. Restlessness is neat. It's just that whole extra energy. It's like buying into entertainment, you know, being caught by your thoughts all the time, just really generating a lot of energy around distractions.

[17:24]

And Suzuki Roshi said to sit with that is to put your mind like in a very wide pasture, like a cow in a big pasture. Or sometimes it helps to vision like a desert, some place that has vast spaces, or the ocean, looking out over the ocean so your mind has enough space to settle down. If you try to really concentrate with restlessness, it's like putting a lot of energy, you know, in a very small room, and it just goes like ping-ponging all over the place. So a wide field is better for restlessness. And doubt. Ah, doubt. Doubt, of course, is the worst one because it undermines the practice. So what's recommended is, if you're not sitting Zazen, is to talk to somebody, to get your questions out there and see, you know, whether or not you, you know, whatever your question is, just put it out, talk it out with somebody. But when you're sitting Zazen,

[18:28]

I think the most important thing is just to note, oh, here's my friend, insidious doubt. I know you, come with me, we're going to sit, it's okay. Just right now, for this period, I'm going to really try to be present, and then I'll listen to you later. And with a kind of a gentle but firm, a gentle but firm intention, you just bring yourself back to the present moment. All right, so, mostly the reason why I wanted to talk about these things today is just because it's hard what we're doing. And wherever it is that we are, it's okay. Just keep going. Just bring your tired little body to the zendo, sit down, you know, try to be present. If you don't, it's okay. You know, so.

[19:30]

It's also fun. You know, Zazen is also kind of fun and joyous. And in a way, more than that, it's just life doing itself. So you can just sit there and open to it, whether you're having a miserable time or a wonderful time, it doesn't really matter. If awareness is there, watching all this stuff, oh, I'm miserable, far out. Like that, yeah. They're really channeling John Denver. The sunshine boy. Okay, now let's get down to our text. So yesterday we talked about Parakalpita, Paratantra, and Parinirvana. And the... How about somebody else?

[20:33]

Does somebody else have a definition of Parakalpita? That you can... Anybody at all? No? Make-believe? What else? Yes? Completely conceptual, mental event. What else? Well, samsara is suffering, the world of suffering, the deluded world of suffering. But this is kind of specific. It imagines solidity and inherent existence where there is none. And its essence-less-ness is exactly that, that no characteristics can be found in it.

[21:35]

It's completely a fabrication. Yes? Huh? Interesting way of thinking about it. Huh? Uh-huh. Huh? Huh? Yes? This Paratantra is dependent co-rising,

[22:51]

that what arises depends on something else before happening. It depends actually on everything else. And its essence-less-ness is that fact that because it depends on everything else to arise, there is no inheritance, solidity, separation there. In that way, dependent co-rising and emptiness look at each other. So that's, I think, in a certain kind of way, the clearest one. Parinirvana is just life as it is. And its essence-less-ness is just that, that that is the way life is without any inherent existence or solidity or anything like that. And the way we relate to such a thing is to just not put anything extra on whatever it is that arises.

[23:57]

And so I'm going to read you my very favorite story, just about, that you know. I tell you this story a lot, but I've never really read the whole thing to you because it's a little bit long. But, you know, let me read. Before I do that, I think I'll read 24. This is from Wood, the one that Barnaby has, and that's put back here. I think this one is kind of good. Verse 24. The imagined nature is without self-nature by definition. That's pretty clear. The dependent nature, again, does not come into existence by itself. Therefore, it lacks a self-nature. And the perfected nature is absence of self-nature itself, or just this. Okay.

[25:27]

From Udana. This is 25. Let's read 25 before I read this. The third, or parinirvana, is the ultimate meaning of events because it is also suchness. Since it remains such all the time, it indeed is a mere concept. Mere in the sense of just, and just in the sense of not adding anything to it. I think this is a really important part of this teaching. I think I'll read you the... No, I'll read that later. It's a really important part of the teaching, and I think if we could understand what this just is, it'll be very helpful to us, because it doesn't say just when it's okay. That's not what it means, and it doesn't mean just in the sense of only.

[26:31]

It means just in the sense of that's it. Right what's in front of you is it, and that's what we relate to. So, it means not adding anything. And it's so simple in a certain kind of way, and so close to us that we miss it. We just can't believe it. And the reason we can't believe it is because in front of it is all of the veils and distractions and imaginings and senses of separation and so on and so forth, which we believe. And because we do, we can't just let ourselves surrender to relating with just what has come to be right smack in front of us, which is what you have a chance to do in Zazen. Even though it's just a concept, the fact that it's a concept isn't in itself a veil.

[27:34]

This is an interesting point, what Ana was saying the other day. It is the only thing that we're going to know. So, if we leave it alone at just that and not give it any further meaning, like for example, it's real or substantial, leaving it alone is what is recommended. Just, you know, somebody says, get the chair, and you don't have to do anything with it. You don't even have to think that the chair represents this ultimately. I mean, if I turned this upside down and broke it up and put it into the fire, it'd be firewood. Okay? But if somebody says, go get the chair, you'd get this right now instead of this. It's just that simple. It's very simple. It's very kind of subtle in a profound sort of way.

[28:39]

One is a reminder of a demonstration that you're pointing to. But as soon as you speak of it, you're leaving the concept. The concepts have reference. That's the point in theory. So when you talk about mere being, the basic fact of being, you're still employing concepts, but you're asking yourself to move it to move it, and it's just being itself. The second thing is, it seems like in this process, we also come to see perceptions as just perceptions. Exactly. So, for example, a thought in zazen, that's it. And you can label it. Labeling, sometimes for some people, labeling is really good, especially if you have recurrent thoughts. Just say, jealousy, and then come back. Jealousy, come back. And you don't have to impute it with some kind of meaning beyond just the thought going by. Yes, the nature of everything.

[29:54]

All phenomena have these characteristics. All phenomena have these characteristics. That's suchness. That's its suchness. All phenomena are dependently co-risen. They depend on other things to arise. And all phenomena are imbued, from our point of view, with this delusion of solidity or separation or inherent existence, except when we no longer... Well, it keeps going, right? Except when we no longer believe that that's the truth. That's all. Yes, right, which is brought to us in exactly the way Vasubandhu is talking about. That's right. So that when we reify externality, that reification in itself is completely a delusion.

[30:56]

It's an illusion that we believe in, and then we act as if that's true. That's the whole problem. We act as if we really believe that everything is just separate, solid chunks of things. When it's not, everything is really a process, a function of life happening all by itself. And if we allow it to be that way, then we have a chance of staying current with what's actually happening. And when we do that, we don't drag the past or invent the future. We just relate just to what is going on. So here's this story. This is a story I call Just the Just. Maybe I should read the whole entire thing too. It's too long. I'll read the beginning and then a little bit of the middle and then the end. So anyway, it's about Bahia, not a queen, really.

[31:58]

Thus have I heard, at one time the Lord was staying near Srivati in the Jeta wood at Anathapindika's monastery. At that time Bahia of the bark cloth was living by the seashore at Supakara, Suparaka. He was respected, revered, honored, venerated and given homage and was one who obtained the requisites of robes, alms, food, lodging and medicines. When he was in seclusion, this reflection arose in the mind of Bahia of the bark cloth. Am I one of those in the world who are arhats or who have entered the path of arhatship? Blah, blah, [...] blah. Okay, then Bahia left the Jeta Grove, entering Srivasti. He saw the Lord walking for alms, food, pleasing, lovely to see, with calm senses and a tranquil mind,

[33:03]

attained to perfect poison, calm, controlled, a perfect one, watchful, with restrained senses. On seeing the Lord, he approached, fell down with his head at the Lord's feet and said, Teach me Dhamma, Lord, teach me Dhamma, so that it will be for my good and happiness for a long time. Upon being spoken to thus, the Lord said to Bahia of the bark cloth, It's an unsuitable time, Bahia, we are going for alms, food. A second time, he asked, Teach me Dhamma, Lord, teach me the Dhamma, so that it will be for my good and happiness for a long time. A second time, the Lord said, It's an unsuitable time, Bahia, we are going for alms, food. A third time, Bahia said to the Lord, It is difficult to know for certain, please, teach me Dhamma, so that it will be for my good and happiness for a long time. See, the way I tell the story is much better.

[34:06]

And then he said this, Bahia, you should train yourself thus, In the seen will be merely what is seen, in the heard will be merely what is heard, in the sensed will be merely what is sensed, in the cognized will be merely what is cognized. In this way, Bahia, you should train yourself. When, Bahia, in the seen there is merely what is seen, and in the cognized merely what is cognized, then you will not identify with it, you will not find a self there, and you will not grasp after that. At that time, there will be no here, and no there, and no in between. Just this, Bahia, is the end of suffering.

[35:09]

And then, like I told you before, Bahia continued on, and then he did get gored by an ox. Do you know the end of the story? The end of the story is, Not long after the Lord's departure, a cow with a young calf attacked Bahia of the birch cloth and killed him. When the Lord, having walked for alms food in Sravati, was returning from the alms round with a number of bhikkhus and departing from the town, he saw that Bahia of the birch cloth had died. Seeing this, he said to the bhikkhus, the monks, Take Bahia's body, put it on a litter, carry it away and burn it, make a stupa for it, for your companion in the holy life has died. Then the Buddha said, Monks, Bahia of the birch cloth was a wise person. He practiced according to Dhamma

[36:13]

and did not trouble me by disputing about Dhamma. He said, Monks, Bahia of the birch cloth has attained final nirvana. Then, on realizing its significance, the Lord uttered on that occasion this inspired utterance, Where neither water nor yet earth nor fire nor air gain a foothold. There gleam no stars, no sun sheds light. There shines no moon, yet there is no darkness reigning. When a sage has come to know this for himself through his own experience, then he is freed from form and formless, freed from pleasure and pain. This inspired utterance was spoken by the Lord. So I did here. Okay.

[37:15]

Oh, seen only in the seen, that section? If for you there will be just the seen in the seen, and if for you or when for you there will be just the heard in the heard and through the senses, of course, and when for you there will be just the cognized or the thought in the thought, then you will not He's writing it down. Oh, then you will not identify with it. And then there will be no here and no there

[38:17]

and no in between and that will be the end of suffering. That's suchness. Just self, just a sense of self. No problem. Not a problem. It's just an idea. Now, here's the interesting part. Well, it's all interesting, but in 26, as long as consciousness does not terminate in mere concept,

[39:22]

so long will the dispositions for the twofold grasping not cease. Yes. As long as the mind does not stop at just this, just sound, just a thought, just a sight, as long as it doesn't stop, if it adds anything extra to it, then grasping at self or other will continue. Indeed, number 27, indeed, one who on account of that grasping were to place something before herself or himself saying, this is mere concept, will not stop at just this.

[40:24]

So, in other words, even if you say, oh, I'm doing this right, I'm stopping at meerness, that in itself is grabbing on to meerness and making it an object. This is not a problem if you're seeing it? It's not a problem if you're seeing it. Isn't that neat? It's totally great. Yes. I wanted to share something I was just reading in a book on self-translating, so I'm going to tell it now. Okay. You say that there are two types of identification. There is meditation where you take something as an object like your breath, or there is meditation like loving-kindness meditation where your mind itself becomes the object. You said that meditation on awareness and clarity

[41:26]

is the second type, that your mind itself becomes the clarity without object. Yes. Yes. Yes, and in fact, they call sometimes Shikantaza object-less awareness because there is not self and other, there is just awareness happening there. I was going to read Maha-Ati a little bit. It's funny you brought that up because, you know, I don't know, I think ultimately we're all Buddhists do basically the same thing at the end of the story because at the end of the story when the self is, or manas, is relaxed and released and the tendencies, the habit tendencies are finished, you know, our karmic event from the past is finished, then what is left is who we are

[42:26]

and then we would say our original nature, you know. I used to, well anyway, I used to hate that word. Original nature. All right, this is from that book Mudra again and this is Maha-Ati which is one of the, it's a, what, it's an accomplished Tibetan, one of the accomplished Tibetan understandings and practices and it's very like our way, it seems to me. The Maha-Ati which is beyond conceptions and transcends both grasping and letting go, it's, okay, you got just there, right? Maha-Ati which is beyond conceptions and transcends both grasping and letting go. Beyond conceptions doesn't mean no conceptions,

[43:27]

it just means don't be bothered by them. It's the essence of transcendental insight. You know, the thing is when we first start practicing we think that these words that they use for these things are way far away from us because they sound so profound but they're not, it's really very close. The whole thing is very close because it's us, just it's so close, we miss it. This is the unchanging state of non-meditation in which there is awareness but no clinging. Isn't this what we've been studying? There's awareness but no clinging and if you cling, fine, just be aware of it and don't be bothered by it. It's a difference between clinging with a self and clinging without a self. One is Buddhists clinging with a self and the other one is regular old clinging. I'm not kidding.

[44:27]

Well, no, one is like... Yes, you're attached but you're not holding. You just feel that kind of attachment. It's not coming from a place of self. You're not coming from a place of I need something or I whatever and you're not separate from it. So, for example, if you have pain, suffering, if you're not separate, if you're not divided with that suffering, you're really purely suffering, objectless suffering, just suffering, just like objectless awareness, just suffering. You're suffering just as much as a deluded person is suffering but it's not... I was going to say it's not suffering and it isn't. It's not. It's a different... It feels different. It's clear and painful but it's not ragged and endless

[45:41]

and draggy and trying to push it away and putting it on people or trying yourself. It's not that kind of suffering. It just hurts. Clear, not a problem. That's suffering without self and it makes it for a very different kind of life. It doesn't mean that you're not in pain. It just means that you're not suffering it. That kind of helps me appreciate some of the problems that we're not able to struggle with. Yes. Yes, that's right. And it turns out if the struggle part is gone then a lot of the stuff that we've been struggling with that we think is so important it kind of... Mahā-ati is of the greatest simplicity.

[46:44]

It just is what is. It cannot be shown by analogy. Nothing can obstruct it. It's without limitation and transcends all extremes. It's clear-cut nowness which can never change its shape or color. When you become one with this state the desire to meditate itself dissolves and you are freed from the chain of meditation and philosophy and conviction is born in you. The thinker has deserted. There is no longer any benefit to be gained from good thoughts and no harm is to be suffered from bad thoughts. They're just thoughts. Just the cognized in the cognized. That's it. Look out for the subtle hindrance of trying to analyze experiences. This is a great danger. The remedy is the wisdom of nowness. It's a mistake to try to concentrate on emptiness

[47:49]

after meditation intellectually to regard everything as a mirage. Primordial insight is the state which is not influenced by undergrowth of thoughts. It's a mistake to be on guard against the wandering mind or to try and imprison the mind in an ascetic practice of suppressing thoughts. Interesting? So delusion is not a problem. They're just thoughts going by. The state of non-meditation is born in the heart when one no longer discriminates between meditation and non-meditation and one is no longer tempted to change or prolong the state of meditation. In other words, just awareness. When we speak of clarity we are referring to that state which is free from sloth and dullness. The absence of thoughts does not mean unconsciousness

[48:54]

or sleep or withdrawal from the senses but simply being unmoved by conflict. Concepts. Don't be bothered with it. Of course, you know, easier said than done. But that's our effort. Then he says about voidness, don't make it into a thing. If the meditator is able to use whatever occurs in their life as the path the body becomes a retreat hut. He or she does not need to add up the number of years they have been meditating and does not panic when shocking thoughts arise. Awareness remains unbroken like that of an old person watching a child at play.

[49:55]

So I think that's a really good suggestion that when we're sitting in meditation and these thoughts that usually would distract us or we would want to rush after them are happening just think that you're listening to some child talking. Yes, yes, yes, I know. I want this. Yes, yes, yes, I know you do. So we can't ignore them, they're actually happening but we can relate to them in a different kind of way. And if we're caught, fine. Then just some gentleness with the realization that this takes a while and it's not going to happen overnight and those thoughts ultimately are so-called deluded thoughts are awake thoughts anyway, ultimately. So we don't have to struggle with it so much. We just have to gently come back and remind ourselves that the practice that we're trying to do is just simply allow

[50:58]

the awareness, which is what we are anyway, to be birthed. Not even birthed, to be exposed. Be, just to be plain. So I was going to read you the Trangpa at the end but I don't think I need to. You know what I'd like to do tomorrow? We'll get to the end of it tomorrow anyway because there's so few but I'm wondering if maybe tomorrow we can just go around the room and somebody could say their own version of verse 1 and their own version of verse 2 and their own version of verse 3 and so on and we can maybe do the whole thing by just reading it through the whole, you know, everybody, your best shot of whatever you think it is.

[52:01]

Do you think that we could do that? Is anybody making their own version, sort of? You're not? If you are, I'll call on you. If you're not, then don't raise your hand and I won't call on you. So let me just... Do I have the whole thing? I didn't bring my kalapana. I wanted to just go over it a little bit. Thanks. I want to say one other thing about how it is that we suffer. You know, there are compassion practices that we do that can help when we are in difficulty. Tonglen is ostensibly simple. It's hard to do sometimes. We slip right off it. But if we just do the kind of basic, kind of easy version of it,

[53:10]

if you're suffering and you know you're suffering, you don't know what to do with it and you can't kind of get out of it, sometimes it's really helpful just to feel like you... Because you know how much painful it is, how painful it is for you, then you might... You know, in us we really do want to relieve everybody of suffering. I mean, inside, all of us, I think, feel that way. So you can kind of draw on that very deep yearning to help people in that way and to have people not suffer. And you can think of yourself as drawing all of the pain of exactly the people who are in exactly the kind of pain that you're having right now, whether it's struggle or, you know, whipping yourself or calling yourself a failure or whatever kind of thing you're doing, and just bring all of that pain,

[54:10]

you know, kind of suck it into you and then breathe out on the out-breath, whatever antidote for that you can imagine might be, like coolness or calm or joy or whatever it is. Just try to exchange that with all these other people and sometimes that's helpful, sometimes it works. And another one that you can do is the neta side in a very, very simple kind of way. I just wrote a few down just for myself. You can always say, may I be free of suffering and the root of suffering, always, just as a mantra in your meditation over and over again. You can say, may I develop loving kindness for myself and others. May I accept all situations and emotions without reservation, just trying to relax and open to whatever is happening. May I rest in the bodily experience I am having now.

[55:15]

That's a good one. May my suffering help and heal people in pain. And may my suffering soften me. May I be softened by my suffering. Okay. You know, the studying of this text is only to help us wake up and release ourselves from the bondage of thinking of self and other in that kind of suffering so that we can be available to other people in exactly this way. I really truly believe that this underneath it all is exactly what we want to do. So the words and the ideas of the text and so on, although fun to study and talk about,

[56:19]

they're really pointing us to a kind of a meditation, to a way of being with ourselves in the present moment that is a release from bondage to the idea of self and other, release from grasping all the time to our tiring burden of carrying a self with us in all of our life situations. If we can just put it down, just set it down, it's so exhausting, it's so tiring. And if we can't put it down then we might as well enjoy it because you're stuck with it then.

[57:23]

I was talking to somebody this morning and I was, I think it was this morning, I was talking to them, I had this vicious headache this morning. I get these sinus headaches that are just very intense and it was, you know, one of my eyes was closing like that and it was hard to talk actually with another person, but I was explaining to them this thing that I was telling you the other day about demons and how big they can be, your particular demon, and slowly, you know, if we let ourselves, if we open to the demon, whatever that is for you, if we open to them, and I was reminded actually of the movie. Did you see the movie The Beautiful Mind? It's a very Buddhist movie. Where the story is, is this guy is basically schizophrenic and he has demons, he sees demons, and at the start of the movie he has a roommate

[58:26]

and he's having this relationship with this roommate and the roommate throws the desk out the window and so on and so forth and they have an argument and blah, blah, blah, and you're totally bought in, that's the story, you're watching a movie, it's happening, it looks real to you, just as real as it looks to him, the guy. Turns out later you learn that his roommate was just a psychological delusion, that he didn't have a roommate at all, he was living by himself in the room. And the story continues and so on and you begin to realize that he's seeing his demons just like, they're just real, just like my demon was, huge demons, huge. But then, when he begins to want to be free, when he's beginning to understand that they are not really real, the first thing he does with them in the movie is he tries to get them out of there. And so what you see him doing next is, and now you know they're demons also,

[59:28]

or delusions, whatever, he starts yelling at them. Whenever the guy comes toward him, he's a teacher in school, so whenever his demon person comes toward him, he turns around and he starts yelling at him, get out of here, I don't want to see you again, go away, I know you're fake, get out of here. And the guy just loves it, he argues back, don't tell me that, I'm going to, whatever it is. They get strong, they get really strong, it's the same exact with us. If we buy into it, then he throws the desk out the window and you're completely involved in the story, the relationship of you and whatever your particular demon is half of the story. And if we push away what we think of our demons, if we push them away, we give them energy. Same thing, they get just as strong. And later on in the movie, this great thing happens, he decides what he's going to do is completely just ignore them. They don't go away. But what happens is, the next scene that you see is,

[60:29]

he's walking down the path in his school and the demons are there and they're not paying any attention to him. And at first they go, what's the matter with you? You can't just ignore me. Pay attention to me, it's going to be really a problem because you really are a spy, whatever the story was. And one of the demons was a little girl and she's sitting on the curb and he walks by and notes her and walks by. And then he keeps ignoring them. And then the next thing that happens is, he's walking down the same road and his demon is walking with him but he's not saying anything. And the next thing that happens is, he's walking down the road and the little girl is sitting there on the curb and she's not saying anything and she just looks really lonely. She's just sitting there. And he tells her, I miss you too, it's okay. And he keeps walking. And this is really exactly what happens, that if we just ignore these thoughts and emotions

[61:30]

that slowly they wither. If we don't give them energy they just wither. So we don't have to beat them up and get rid of them and feel really bad about it. We just have to be friends with them and ignore them. Like Suzuki Roshi said, just don't invite them to tea. Yeah. Well, that's a good point. I think one way to tell is that when we're really caught we don't have a sense of awareness there. Basically what your mind is, is doing the stories over and over. There's not the awareness watching the suffering.

[62:35]

There's no awareness there. And I don't mean just suffering in the way I was talking with you, being one with it. Being one with it, your awareness is completely there. You're just feeling it. Check that out and see if that's not the case. You're really just believing the whole thing. Okay?

[62:57]

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