This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So it's time for me to leave It's time for me to do something new and to make my own mistakes. Not worry about Santander's mistakes so much, but worry about my own. And so I'm going to start a new place. I've raised some money for it. I've got a little bit more money to raise. And in the fall, I'll move. And I'll... have a sitting place that begins sitting at 6 a.m., two 35-minute periods.

[01:05]

And I'm going to do a lot of painting, creative things there. So there'll be three classes a week, one in painting, one on Dogen, and one on Sutras. And once a month we'll have a movie night, Buddhist movie night. And... Something else will happen. I don't know. I'm saying that all these things are going to happen, but I don't know if they're going to happen. It's taking a great leap, a great try. Do something different. When I left New York, it was just time to do something different. And it's also interesting that when I left New York, my friends who were... who left New York before I did... left, and then the people, not too many people left after me. There was like a window of opportunity, 24 or 25, and then most people stayed.

[02:10]

I don't know if there's a window of opportunity at 63, but I mentioned this, that I was at a, I was doing a couple of lectures and workshops down south, and I mentioned that I was going to do something different. And somebody at the end of it said to me, that was the most impressive thing, that you at 63 and he's at 63, he was at 63, could do something different, could try something. Some people think that I'm foolish. And they may have a lot of good reason for that, that I should stay, that my health or other reasons means I should stay for my own. But I think I should go. I'm a little sad about going. There's a kind of tinge of sadness about having been here for so long and learned so much and been so shaped by this place.

[03:20]

There's a little bit of sadness, but there's a lot of excitement, too. see what will happen, to explore, to boldly go where none have gone before, or maybe many people have gone before, but I haven't. So, I will invite you to my place when it's ready, but you can also stay here, this is a good place to practice, and you may want to come to both places. That would be fine. It's about trying to actualize myself and help other people actualize themselves. And I feel that Zen Center has emphasized, and rightly so, it's emphasized discipline.

[04:30]

But at 63, discipline isn't so interesting to me anymore. I mean, it's necessary. And it's... I certainly wouldn't have made it without it. But I want to emphasize creativity and compassion. But it takes discipline to do that, too. Several years ago, I wrote a book called 33 Fingers, which are 33 American koans. And Tom over there is helping me do another edition of it, 49 fingers, 16 more koans, with my paintings in it. So that's, I'm excited about that. So, whatever I try to do, I'm trying to encourage you to do what you want to do. Not stay here because you ought to or it's good for you.

[05:36]

That's okay. And maybe the most exciting thing is this day. There's a lot of exciting things here. A lot of good teachers. But there's also, you may want to do something, take a leap. Go to the unknown. Of course, staying here is also unknown. Finding the truth, finding the truth about who you are and actualizing yourself is not easy. And there may be paths to go, but each of your paths may be individual.

[06:49]

there's a famous Chinese poet, Xu Tang Po, who on August 5th, 1088, wrote, One desires pleasures and fears a hard life. These are sentiments one entertains before leading the so-called pleasurable or hard life. After one is in it, one tries to think of the envy and the fear, and finds that they are gone. Then where are the pleasurable and unpleasurable thoughts after they are passed? They seem to be like a sound, a shadow, a breeze, or a dream. Even these four things are somehow more tangible. Besides, how is one ever going to find happiness by countering one illusion with another illusion? I wish I could express this deep truth to you, but I cannot.

[08:15]

Su Tung Po led a very interesting life. He was not only a very famous poet, the Chinese civil service exams, which are very important, he got one of the highest scores ever. And eventually he became an advisor to the emperor. And at some point he ticked off the emperor and he was banished. So he had ups and downs. But one thing I found interesting is the most important, the best part of his day when he was the emperor's advisor was he'd get up, he'd get washed and maybe do a little meditation and then he'd sit down on the porch and wait for the emperor's carriage to come pick him up. And he would sit and kind of half in meditation and half asleep. And that was his favorite part of the day. Not quite awake and not quite asleep.

[09:22]

when you look back on 39 years or how many years you want to look back on. I'm not sure my memory is so good. In fact, I began to doubt even that it was 39 years ago that I came. But I think it was. Whenever, you know, this statement of is we often think that we are happier and we're sad, but then when we look back on those times, we don't necessarily think that. We cling to a certain kind of excited judgment. But things aren't really that way, really.

[10:50]

I've seen many people come and go from Zen Center. And I've always thought of them as those that are gone that they haven't really gone. And those that have come were already here before. But I'm feeling a little differently now. I'm really feeling like I am leaving. It's like I'm in a dream here now. I go to some of the same meetings and I participate like I always do, but it's like I'm gone. I had a dream actually several months ago in which I was traveling and there was a ceremony going on at somebody's wedding or something that I was gonna go to. So I went there And it was at a college or a Zen center or something.

[12:07]

And then I realized I'd already left. I'd already left. So the most important thing, I think, is the relationships we have with people. We should take care of our relationships wherever we are, as we come and as we go. And encourage people to find their truth and their way. Some people don't want me to leave because they're concerned about me. And some people don't want me to leave because maybe that means they should leave. But it's not true. Each one of you has your own path. And who knows, I may come back.

[13:13]

And I do hope to come back occasionally to talk and to visit with my friends and fellow practitioners. staying close to what's the most important thing for you. I think for many years it was the most important thing for me to be at Zen Center and to grow and learn and help and find out what stuff I had to work on. But then there came a point, maybe just two or three years ago, where I was just kind of coasting. and I wasn't even coasting. It wasn't even that pleasant. But I didn't think about whether there was something else I should do.

[14:16]

When I came, Catechia was leaving. And... I really... appreciated him a lot but it wasn't my path to leave though I missed him and I visited him laying out what you think of how it might go in your place.

[15:21]

Would you do that again? Sure. Six o'clock because I was in. Thirty-five minute periods. Ten minutes came in. And a short service. Not a long service. And I'll have three classes a week, one on painting, brush strokes, one on a Dogen class, and one on probably sutras, but some Buddhist dharma. And at least once a month I'm going to have a movie night, a Buddhist movie night. And I also wanted to invite some of my friends here who to give classes and talks. But maybe I'll give them a little bit more leeway about what they can teach.

[16:24]

They might do something a little different. You're welcome to teach there any time. There's something mysterious, which I think this Sutangpo gets at. One desires pleasures and fears a hard life. I'm going to do this because I'll be happier. And I fear what's going to happen if I don't. Not so. These are sentiments one entertains before leading the so-called pleasurable or hard life. After one is in it, one tries to think of the envy and the fear and finds that they are gone. then where are the pleasurable and unpleasurable thoughts after they are passed? They seem to be like a sound, a shadow, a breeze, or a dream. Even these four things are somehow more tangible.

[17:28]

Besides, how is one ever going to find happiness by countering one illusion with another illusion? How is one ever going to find happiness by countering one illusion by another illusion? Do you understand that one? You don't like the way things are, so you make up something that's going to make it better. I wish I could express this deep truth to you, but I cannot. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. And it's August 5th, 1088. Are there any questions or should we give it a light? Did he express it? Yes.

[18:33]

So where is he going to be? Okay. Well, first I have to finish raising the money and then I can look at where it's going to be. It's got to be somewhere. It's got two qualities that are important. It's got to be a place that has parking and And a nice neighborhood, but people aren't afraid to come into it. And it'll be in San Francisco, I think, because my wife is so involved with the parks here. And also, in Mill Valley, in Marin County, there are Zen teachers on every corner. Yes, Tim. Are you scared? A little scared, but I feel more exhilarated. But there's a little bit of scaredness and exhilaration. Yark. And I'm really surprised that people don't think I can do it.

[19:42]

So that makes me a little more stubborn. Yes. He was big. He was crazy. I couldn't do it. Wait, I thought he was crazy coming to America. You teach me the scary thing. You let go, acting on my side. Fully opening up to your inspiration.

[20:49]

Thank you. You're about to take a great leap, too. Okay. Good night. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[21:39]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_89.42