This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. It's very nice to be here. Thank you, David and Tova for asking me to speak tonight. and to share some words reflecting my understanding of the Dharma. Is it anyone's first time here at Zen Center? Wow, great. I mean, oh, wonderful. Welcome. I hope you come back many times. It's a wonderful place. So, as I was preparing the talk for this evening, something came to me kind of at the very end.

[01:11]

I was thinking of, I think it was something I read in a Pema Chodron book, where these talks are given for, and her book written for, people who are practicing meditation. who are practicing zazen. And it occurred to me because I had written this Dharma talk, and then I kind of thought, well, none of this actually even really makes sense unless you have committed yourself to meditation, unless you're interested in meditation, unless you have already taken up the radical path. practice of committing to sitting with yourself, sitting with your life. So it's a radical thing, actually.

[02:15]

And it just dawned on me at the end of writing the Dharma Talk. So I just wanted to share that thought. My name is Nancy Petran. I... I work here at Zen Center. I used to be a resident at Green Gulch Farm. And in 2014, I was shuso with Abbot Ed here at Beginner's Mind Temple. And the theme of that practice period, that three-month retreat, was Suzuki Roshi's Way. or the teachings of Suzuki Roshi, but I think it was Suzuki Roshi's way. And as part of that practice period, Ed invited teachers who had studied with Suzuki Roshi to come and give the Sunday Dharma talks.

[03:20]

And Blanche Hartman, former abbess of San Francisco Zen Center, and senior Dharma teacher, was then 88 when she gave the Dharma talk here. And Blanche, when I first met her, I was a little intimidated by her. She was kind of fierce. She was very direct. And when she gave the Dharma talk that day, she was in a chair, which was a little unusual to see a chair. the person giving the Dharma talk sitting in a chair, and she said, you know, Suzuki Roshi never called it this, but actually I think the only thing he ever really taught was loving kindness. I think everything he taught was loving kindness. And, you know, really I think my understanding is Suzuki Roshi really emphasized zazen.

[04:23]

And... Blanche went on to say, so that's kind of all I have to say, you know, for her 40-minute Dharma talk. And she said, I think I've become a one-stringed instrument, and all I know how to play is loving kindness. And she said, so does anyone have any questions? That was her whole Dharma talk. I was just like, oh my God, Blanche. And I felt kind of sad, actually. I was just like, oh my gosh, she looks so old. And Blanche is getting old. And she died a year and a half later. And I was like, oh, is this what it's come to? And then one person asked a question. And Blanche spoke for 40 minutes. And then she said, let's continue in the dining room. Someone else can have a pluck at the loving kindness string. So... In Suzuki Roshi's book, Not Only So, and in his Dharma talks, you can hear them online, he constantly kind of chuckles through his talks.

[05:37]

There's so much warmth in his talks. And it really comes through. You can find his talks online. And I wanted to share with you, this is... not only so, Suzuki Rishi's not only so, and these are talks that are from his last three years of his life. And what I wanted to share with you is be kind with yourself. I want you to have the actual feeling of true practice, because even though I practiced Zazen when I was young, I didn't know exactly what it was. Sometimes I was very impressed by our practice at a Heiji and other monasteries. When I saw great teachers or listened to their lectures, I was deeply moved, but it was difficult to understand those experiences. Our aim is to have complete experience or full feeling in each moment of practice.

[06:39]

What we teach is that enlightenment and practice are one, but my practice was what we call stepladder zen. I understand this much now, and next year I thought, I will understand a little bit more. That kind of practice doesn't make much sense. I could never be satisfied. If you try step ladder practice, maybe you will realize that is a mistake. If you do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, that is not true practice. trying to have the right posture and counting your breath. It will still be lifeless zazen because you are following instructions. You are not kind enough with yourself. You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teacher, then you will have good zazen. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself.

[07:44]

Do not count your breaths. just to avoid your thinking mind, but to take the best care of your breathing. If you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed, warm feeling in your zazen. When you have a warm feeling for your body and your breath, then you can take care of your practice and you will fully understand and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally you will feel like this. So when I first heard loving kindness practice, Pema Chodron introduced it to us. She was at Green Gulch. on the invitation of Norman Fisher, who was abbot then.

[08:47]

And I found it very distracting, and I didn't see what it had to do with zazen. Are people familiar with loving-kindness practice? So loving-kindness is also known as metta or boundless friendliness. or universal friendliness toward all beings. And the earliest practice recorded of loving kindness was actually the instruction was to turn to the four corners, to turn to the four directions, and to suffuse boundless friendliness in the four directions. Other accounts of loving kindness practice were for people When the monks would sleep outside, they would actually send metta to the animals.

[09:49]

Maybe they were afraid of being attacked at night. So it actually was for protection and for lessening fear. So this was metta practice. And then also the metta practice, which we practice with the Loving Kindness Sutra of Equanimity. so not placing any beings higher or lower than others. So it wasn't actually until about a thousand years after the first recorded loving-kindness meditation that in the Theravadan tradition, metta practice began with oneself. So the practice of loving-kindness is extending this kind of boundless friendliness to... to, in this case, to oneself first, and then to those that you love, and then to those who are more neutral, and then maybe you're able to extend it to people that you are having a difficult time with or to enemies.

[10:58]

So the other night I was down at the jail leading a women's group down there that Jeffrey organizes, And I brought a loving-kindness meditation to the group. So we did yoga, and then we started, we sat for a little bit, and then I began a guided meditation of loving-kindness. And I had prepared for it, and I had it, I was, you know, I printed it up, I had reviewed it. But then when I was in the jail and actually started the guided meditation, It went kind of in an unexpected direction for me. And this was the direction that I was giving the women who were there. So settling into awareness of the body and the breath. Feeling into our body right now.

[12:01]

Noticing what's here. Open to whatever... is to be experienced in the body in this moment, connecting to the breath, noticing the wave-like movements of the belly. In this practice, we're cultivating loving-kindness. We all have within us this natural capacity for loving-kindness or friendship. that is unconditional and open, gentle, supportive. So this is when I started feeling like it was a little presumptuous of me to be bringing this practice to these women. And they got a little bit fidgety and loving kindness is a natural opening of a compassionate heart, allowing our hearts

[13:06]

to open with tenderness. Now allow yourself to remember and open to your basic goodness. You might remember times when you've been kind or generous. And then I got to a part that says, it may help to use the imagination and to picture yourself as a young child. And then I kind of... skipped over the rest of the part of bringing the loving kindness and awakening it in yourself because the women were having a really hard time doing this. And I went on and moved along the meditation to having them repeat after me. May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be held in loving kindness. And Then we brought it to someone that they love.

[14:09]

And even there, I felt like, wow, you know, these women are in jail. And may we be free from suffering. I was feeling actually really kind of bad about it by the end. And then it was more that they joined in with me and it was a call and response kind of meditation. And then at the end, I said, so how was that for people? And they were like, just, you know, kind of jumping off their cushions and they're like, this was great, this is great. And I said, would anyone like a copy of this? And two of the women took copies of it for themselves. So I was hoping that it would be helpful for them. And it actually made me feel a little bit better. So I was grateful for that. But bringing loving kindness to oneself is not easy.

[15:13]

And that was a big reminder to me. Especially when we're feeling vulnerable. Especially when we're working with a mind state that we might have judgment around. That it feels like, oh, this again. maybe it feels like a habit, something that we have a hard time bringing loving kindness to ourself around. I'm sure this resonates for all of us. So last March, our friend and Zen teacher, Jordan Thorne, gave a Saturday Dharma talk here in this Buddha hall. And it was a Jordan talk full of laughter and chuckling at himself. And he gave that talk after he had received his last chemotherapy treatment.

[16:21]

And it was his last Dharma talk. He died about two months later. And... You can find the talk online. Actually, it's a beautiful talk. I highly recommend it. But what most struck me about that Dharma talk was when Jordan kind of brought the talk to an end. And I'd like to read to you his words. This was after 30 years of practice of being a teacher. And what Jordan said was, the practice of Zen, of Buddhism, this effort that we make, means nothing unless we make it real. Unless we actually let it into our heart. Unless we let it into our vulnerable places.

[17:27]

When we make it real, when we don't just repeat the words of the teachings because we're going along with service. But let them into ourselves and say them with intentions so they're almost like a hammer striking emptiness. In those moments, we stand on our own two feet. outside of the daydream of our life. And at that moment, I think sometimes it's almost a little embarrassing to realize that in the end, it just comes down to being a little bit kinder, a little bit nicer, a little bit more open, a bit more generous about the limits of who we are in every moment.

[18:38]

So when we practice this way with wholehearted intention and bring our lives forward to ourselves, if we're willing to meet ourselves in our vulnerable places, if we're willing to meet our Dharma friends and our teachers in our vulnerable places, then maybe with Zazen practice, we can start feeling into just a little bit of gentleness and a little bit of kindness. in exactly that moment when we're feeling vulnerable. I've recently been working with the vulnerable place of overwhelm.

[19:48]

And it's one of those times in life where many things come together. So... after eight years working in development, I'm leaving that department, I'm leaving that job, and I'm preparing to pass it on to the next development director. I was also bringing the year to a close, the fiscal year to a close, and people started leaving the department, and things that I had thought that were in place to hand off to the next development director kind of were falling away. And I saw that I just wanted to kind of speed up, or if I took things from a different angle or a different approach, maybe I could keep things together. And at the same time, Olivia was graduating from high school, and it was...

[20:52]

graduation and senior year, and it kind of comes to a crescendo. I don't know if you remember, but I wanted to be there with her. It was a big transition for me too. And then I was also applying for this visa. So it was endless paperwork and documents, and I had to go here and go there, and I was feeling completely overwhelmed. And I kind of... I had a hard time kind of catching my breath sometimes. I wasn't sure where to start. So there's this voice that I have that in these times kind of also likes to kind of kick in and maybe not necessarily take over, but definitely, you know, definitely is like backup singer for sure. You know, that...

[21:53]

I could have done this differently. I should have seen this coming if I were more organized. So meeting a teacher, bringing this to a teacher actually in that moment was really helpful for me. And as I brought my inquiry, the response that came was, to practice with what is enough. And I started working with this. What is enough? Have I given this enough attention? Have I given development enough? And actually then it became relational. So actually checking in with the other person, is this enough for you? Rather than having my idea of what enough is.

[22:55]

So in this wonderful place of total overwhelm, I actually was able to let go of things. Maybe not at the place where I was normally cutting go of something, but then exploring what happened when I let go of something a little bit earlier than I normally would. And what opened up in those times was actually creativity and spaciousness. And the universe rose to meet me, actually, was the feeling I had. It was almost as if letting these little paper boats go on a lake. And then it was like... just off my fingertips, but then it was like they would kind of take on a life of their own.

[23:58]

And could I have the faith to do that? And could I have the faith that I would still be there if the boat sank or if I was still needed? So in this place of overwhelm, I think that what met me was kindness and a willingness to not abandon myself, actually. And I think sometimes it's this way. Like we push so hard. It's like this wheelbarrow. You're pushing, [...] and then you fall flat on your face. But... I don't think that unless we push, unless we actually allow ourselves to experience these vulnerable places, we are just going to stay within how we think things should be.

[25:13]

You know, it was the teaching of Blanche and the teachings of Jordan that wanted to be shared this evening. And both of them practiced for so long. And... And they had such full lives. So going back to where I felt loving kindness practice was kind of a beginner's practice when I first heard it. You know, oh, I want to take on something more profound or something more deep or... I really appreciate them bringing it forward, actually, because as with the women in the jail, I think it is so hard, you know.

[26:54]

I think it's so hard to experience our lives fully and to open ourselves to each other, to be formed and turned by each other. It's easy to find a safe place from which to operate. So, how do we open ourselves to the teachings? How do we let the teachings in? How do we allow these little cracks of light from which the Dharma can enter, the light can shine? I don't know, I think it's a good question. I find that slowing down is a really good thing.

[28:11]

Sometimes I come from across the street at the development office and have a meeting in the room, and I think, oh, Lord, if I just go straight to the Sangha room, I'll get there on time, you know, kind of head down. I hope I don't see anyone. And recently I've let myself slow down just the littlest bit that I don't think anyone else would notice except for me. And it's very nice to move at just a hair's breadth, slower pace, and just see what meets me along the way, along the way to meeting. This morning I was in a meeting, and it was an interview, actually, for someone who's coming for a spot that we want to fill in the development department.

[29:31]

And just a few minutes before the interview, I got a phone call that my sister had fallen down, and she had landed on a sidewalk on her chin, and she was at the emergency room. So I... to Miles and Santiago, are you okay doing this interview? And it was one of those moments that I've had so many of recently where it's just, here's, it's your department now, this is for you to do. And they took it right up. So I went and I was with my sister and she was telling me what happened and she said, she said that she drove herself to the emergency room and she had two big bags and a washcloth, and that when she got to the emergency room, they handed her an intake form, and someone behind her said, would you like me to help you fill that out?

[30:33]

And she said, oh, that would be very nice, actually. So she was telling me the story, and she started crying, and she said, his name's Ollie. and he's Pakistani. And I said, did he help you? And she said, yes, he filled up a whole form for me. And she said, he was just so lovely. And she was crying, and I said, were you feeling vulnerable? No, I said, it's amazing how when we're feeling so vulnerable, the smallest kindness can touch us so deeply. No, yes, I mean, maybe it was that, but it's that he's there. And this is why she was kind. I also think it touched her deeply, but he felt that hurt for her. So, I'm so glad she let him do that, actually.

[31:42]

She's very... So I wanted to read this as a thank you to Ali for helping my sister pack from this morning. It's from Naomi Shihaknai, and it's called Gate 4A. Wandering around the Albuquerque airport terminal after learning my flight had been detained for hours, I heard an announcement. If anyone in the vicinity of Gate 4A understands any Arabic, please come to the gate immediately. Well, one pauses these days. I chew up this in 2007. Gate 4A was my own gate.

[32:45]

I went there. An older woman in full traditional Palestinian embroidered dress, just like my grandma wore, was crumbled to the floor, wailing loudly. Help, said the flight service person. Talk to her. What is her problem? We told her the flight was going to be late, and she did this. I stooped to put my arm around the woman and spoke to her haltingly. Now, if anyone in the room speaks Arab, please forgive me. The minute she heard any words she knew, however poorly used, she stopped crying. She thought the flight had been canceled entirely. She needed to be in El Paso for major medical treatment the next day. I said, you're fine, you'll get there. Who is picking you up? Let's call him. She called her son, and I spoke with him in English.

[33:47]

I told him I would stay with his mother till we got on a plane and would ride next to her, southwest. And I looked around that gate of late and weary... Oh, sorry. She talked to him. Then we called her other sons, just for fun. Then we called my dad, and he and she spoke for a while in Arabic and found out, of course, they had ten shared friends. Then I thought, just for the heck of it, Why not call some Palestinian poets I know and let them chat with her? This all took up about two hours. She was laughing a lot by then, telling about her life, patting my knee, answering questions. She had pulled a sack of homemade mamul cookies, little powdered sugar crumbly mounds stuffed with dates and nuts out of her bag, and was offering them to all the women at the gate. To my amazement, not a single woman declined one. It was like a sacrament. The traveler from Argentina, the mom from California, the lovely woman from Laredo.

[34:55]

We were all covered with the same powdered sugar and smiling. There is no better cookie. And then the airline broke out the free beverages from huge coolers and two little girls from our flight ran around serving us all apple juice and they were covered with powdered sugar too. and I noticed my new best friend, by now we were holding hands, had a potted plant poking out of her bag, some medicinal thing with green furry leaves. Such an old country traveling tradition. Always carry a plant, always stay rooted to somewhere. And I looked around that gate of late and weary ones and thought, this is the world I want to live in. The shared world. Not a single person in this gate, once the crying of confusion stopped, seemed apprehensive about any other person.

[35:56]

They took the cookies. I wanted to hug all of those other women. This can still happen anywhere. Not everything is lost. Yes, no. Should we wrap it up? No. No. Should we have one question? How you open up. How you remain vulnerable. When most of your experiences have taught you that that's how you get attacked.

[36:57]

I appreciated the poem, but I made the trip going. I wish the other way. Well, the first thing that comes up for me is to start with something easy and to start with people you trust. Because even with people we trust, it's very hard to be vulnerable. So I wouldn't start anywhere else. And can you start with yourself? Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[38:01]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:03]

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