This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So I see mostly familiar faces and a few that aren't familiar to me. Are there people here for the first time tonight? Well, welcome. My name is Susan. I'm a priest here at Zen Center. Makes me happy to say that, actually. And thank you, David, for inviting me to share what it is that I'm practicing with right now, which is pretty much the only thing I can ever talk about up here. Some people like to talk about what they know. I like to talk about what I don't know. So tonight I'm talking about the practice of equanimity.

[01:08]

And it's because things have been a little bit off balance for me recently. In particular around my family. I've spent time with members of my family recently and often when I have the opportunity to do that I'm kind of giddy and happy and sort of high and lifted up above all troubles because I'm so grateful to be able to be with them. Some of them don't live here. They live in Southern California. And usually I'm on my best behavior so that I try to behave as sort of an idealized person, a really good grandma, good sister, and so that I don't jeopardize this privilege. But that modality actually keeps me from sinking in to the intimacy of the relationships.

[02:13]

And this time, when I was with members of my family, I had time alone with each person. And they shared their lives with me. A couple of... teenage granddaughters with college acceptance challenges and physical difficulties, limitations that only teenagers can feel. They're living with their other grandparents, one of whom has a form of Alzheimer's. And I was also with my drug-addicted brother who was in the hospital. I'll say more on that later. I was close to them. I was aware of the intimacy and the privilege of that intimacy and of the pain. The pain that I imagined that they were feeling, which is, that might be called empathy, I'm not quite sure.

[03:22]

When we say empathy, are we actually feeling someone else's feelings? We're probably lined up with them. pretty well, but it's my pain that I'm feeling about their pain. So the more I leaned into these relationships, the more I wanted to take the pain away. Does that sound familiar to anyone? Wouldn't it be great if you just reach in, take away the pain, reach in, take away the pain? So I actually know that we can't do that. And I would like to say that in remembering that I actually know that we can't do that, I automatically dropped into a balanced, calm stance and just offered my loving presence. But instead, I watched myself use various strategies to avoid the pain.

[04:25]

Mine, theirs, theirs, mine. I vacillated between going hot and being outraged at the unfairness of it all to going neutral or cold to protect my heart from feeling the pain. And I kind of got stuck in neutral, which at the time I told myself was a form of equanimity. But I was a little doubtful of this stance, of this kind of decision that neutrality and equanimity were equal. So I decided to ask someone. And I asked Linda Ruth about my observation that I was guarding my heart in the middle of my family's suffering. And I asked if equanimity was the same thing as neutrality. Of course, she said no, which is why I asked her.

[05:29]

Equanimity, she says, arises in the midst of suffering, not in the absence of it. So there's a subtle difference between neutrality and equanimity, between cool and still and warm and available. This situation with my family, my confusion, made me want to study this. So that's what I've been doing. This is fairly recent. This is only a couple weeks ago. So I've been, bless you, Allison. I've been looking at this and saying, you know, well, what is it? What is equanimity? And what supports it? What develops it? And how do we practice it? So I went to the Handy Online Dictionary to start with the what is it part of it. And it says... Equanimity is mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

[06:41]

And synonyms are poise, imperturbability, which is a lovely word, and equilibrium. Balanced composure, poised presence. Not so simple. We have the human habit when in pain, emotional or physical, just whether it's a small ripple in our consciousness or a sharp pain, we want to change the situation. We want to escape. And in that situation, we could even maybe be balanced, but somewhat removed as a strategy. Practice, however, is to stay stable in the midst of suffering so that we can better help people. I found another Buddhist definition of equanimity in something Gil Fransdell wrote in a talk he gave in 2004.

[07:53]

So this was online and it's quite short and good and I recommend it. He said that the English word equanimity translated into two separate Pali words. One is Opeka, which is one that we hear around here when we're talking about the divine abodes and equanimity being one of them. Opeka, which means, interestingly, to look over. And it refers to the equanimity that arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see. So it's not a passive just being still. It's an actual consideration. It's looking over without getting caught. So it means to see with patience or understanding. And this is sometimes, Gil says, compared to grandmotherly love.

[08:55]

The love I was not practicing with my granddaughters. The second word that Gil says comes from the Pali that means equanimity is, this is a long word, tatra majhatata. Tatra majhatata. And it means to stand in the middle of all this. Remaining centered in the middle of what's happening. So from a Buddhist perspective, equanimity is is being wise enough to know how not to get caught by what we see and remain centered with the loving heart-mind of a grandmother. So seeing without being caught in what we see and standing in the middle of pain.

[09:56]

And I would say that that standing in the middle of pain actually... encourages us to have an open heart and a loving heart. Because if we don't, we cannot stand in the middle of pain. So how do we see without being caught? In looking at this, I was asking myself, what is the cause of getting caught? What is it that throws us off of our equilibrium and out of a kind of an open, flexible, accepting, receptive stance? And I would say tonight, it's self-concern. If I am truly wishing to be helpful to beings, which is my vow and the vow of many of you in here, probably all of you, then I must investigate and recognize and give up my self-concern.

[11:17]

And there are many practices that help us do this. To let go of the mechanisms of self concern and self protection. The one that I called on in this situation as I traveled through this space of study was based on my awareness of my tendency to want to control. We all have this tendency at various levels. Mine is quite over on the high side. That's one of my stronger practices that I work with is wanting to control. There are people in this room who are smiling. So what is it then that helps? What's the remedy for this? What's the way in to the mechanism that makes me want to try to control?

[12:22]

And I would say it's seeing into the nature of impermanence. We study this... We read it in books, we hear the words. But when we're trying to control the awareness of the reality of impermanence is the medicine. That's the antidote. That's why we study it. We study it for when we're in the middle of trying to control things and it's not working. Because we usually don't wake up when we think it's working. We think we successfully just controlled something. So in this case it wasn't working because I was feeling pain. And I could see in retrospect that it was coming from wanting to control the pain, take it away, and then stepping back, remembering the teachings that things change so quickly we can't hold on to anything.

[13:26]

The more we see that, the more we study that, the more easily the mind lets go of that habit of wanting to control. And when the mind lets go of that, even for a moment, when that awareness is stronger in me, the awareness of things changing, of impermanence, when it's stronger in me than the reaching out to control, There is, I would say, the arising of the light of uncontrolled reality. Just the light that's in life itself. And that that light infuses and enhances and supports equanimity. The shoulders go down, there's relaxation. Things are actually... out of my hands instead of me holding the reins.

[14:33]

It's out of my hands. I really do sometimes want to control how much pain I am in or how much pain you are in. fallacy of control as a tool for self-protection is pretty well honed in me. Remembering the teachings, accepting that tomorrow my one granddaughter will be more interested in her school performance than in that long-off college choice which is many months away. that even in the next moment of listening to my son's mother-in-law walking the halls of her home with painful cries, the cries rise up and then they die out and then a breath is taken and then a new cry arises, different from the previous one.

[15:56]

helps us tolerate the screaming in this world. It makes space for the light to appear in that dark place. And then, what am I trying to protect? The need for self-protection also dissipates and disappears for a moment or a few moments or long enough for me not to do any harm. So this seeing that nothing lasts long enough to hold it, it results in this not knowing.

[17:07]

That's an interesting feeling, thought, awareness of not knowing to learn how to tolerate, to learn how to sink into. That's a great support. Not knowing is a fantastic support if we cannot be so afraid of it. Sometimes when I offer meditation instruction here on Saturdays, I bring that up to new students. It's a little bit scary. But what did you think? That this was going to be easy? Sorry for being so happy about that. pain is really hard. The pain we're in, the pain the world is in, is really serious.

[18:10]

So we meet it with an equally serious practice. So that's a little bit about how to maybe see without getting caught, which was one of the practices that I found worked for me to move off of that holding my heart away. The other practice is standing in the middle of the pain. Truly entering. There's a lot about this that one could study. My teacher, attention, Reb Anderson, wrote a book called Being Upright, which is about the precepts, and there's a chapter on renunciation. And in that chapter he says, excuse me, I told David I never drink the water, so this time I'm going to drink the water.

[19:16]

So in the chapter on renunciation, Reb says, to sit in your place with your suffering, with your pain, and feel the pain of all other beings around you. So go wider still. Go deep and go wide. Sit in the downtown of suffering, he says. Tenderize your mind and heart and develop the willingness to let go. Suffering comes from holding on to what doesn't really need to be gripped. And then the wish to let go arises. So there we are in the midst of our pain. of pain, pain in the heart, pain in the body.

[20:44]

We have nothing to do. We are radically doing nothing. And there's a koan about this, which I'd like to just read for you and read you a little bit of the commentary that Suzuki Roshi wrote on this koan. It's called Dengshan's No Cold, No Heat. So Dengshan was the teacher. He's a very famous teacher. He's one of the founders of our lineage. And he He was in the monastery, as these stories often are, often take place. And a monk, probably in a situation like this, and maybe if there's time, we'll do some question and answer at the end of the talk.

[21:52]

But a monk came up and said to Dengshan, when cold and heat come, how can we avoid them? Right? When my granddaughter... just got rejected by the college she really wanted to go to. How can I avoid that pain, of her pain? How can I avoid it? And Dengshon said, well, why don't you go to that place where there is no cold or heat? Now, if this monk were not quite as wise as he was, he would have just backed off, right? Thank you, teacher, thank you, teacher, right? But he didn't. He said, which is what were probably all of us thinking, well, what is that place where there is no cold or heat? Usually these monks don't ask the question unless they know the answer. Who knows, right?

[22:54]

But for the sake of everyone else in the assembly, he asked this question. What is the place where there is no cold or heat? And Dunchan said, when it's cold, die with the cold. When it's hot, die with the heat. So there isn't a place where there's no cold or heat. But there is a way to be with it so thoroughly that that the part of us that's holding on, the self-concern, evaporates in the cold. It crystallizes and shatters in the cold, and it evaporates in the heat. There's a line in the commentary to this koan that says, when you have extinguished the mind, fire itself is cool.

[24:02]

This may seem difficult. Do we want to be that thoroughly with what's happening? What's happening is not always painful. So this is not just about pain. This is about restlessness. This is about sadness. This is about too much happiness. This is about everything that we have a hard time not grasping. You want to hear what Suzuki Roshi said? So this is part of a longer lecture, but he comments on this koan. And he says, whenever I had some pain in my legs, I used to think about this koan and try not to move.

[25:11]

Even though my legs, and I would substitute here, even though my heart is in pain. He said, when I entered Tangaria, which is a multiple day waiting period before you enter the monastery where you show your sincerity by sitting pretty much non-stop all day. And... It sort of is an indication of how much you want to practice. So he said it was summertime when he sat Tangario. So it was very hard for him to sit, for me to sit, he says. Although I practiced Zazen before going to the monastery. But still, it was pretty hard to sit all day long in the cross-legged position. When it was very painful and when I felt very hot, you know, the big Pritomeria tree started to swing. That is, it's not the big tree that started to swing.

[26:16]

My mind started to swing in this way. He probably went like this. His mind started to swing in this way. All the big trees started to move like this, he says. And I found out that I wasn't allowed to look at my watch in Tongario. But I thought, every 10 minutes, you know, the peak of the pain comes. You know, like this. And then the Kratomeria trees start to move, like this. So he's being quite intimate with this pain. There aren't a lot of other choices after you make that commitment to sit and not move. You box yourself in a little bit in this situation. But he was fully participating in this.

[27:17]

And he says, when the pain comes to the peak of the peak, it, you know, starts to calm down. And you might check that out sometime. I often notice that the... concern about pain is more painful than the pain itself. And it also sustains the pain. It makes the pain last longer. The concern that it's going to last makes it last. He says, every 10 minutes, you know, like wave, it comes and goes. But pain in your legs doesn't hurt you. So it's all right, you know. Even though you feel painful, it doesn't hurt you. If we're just looking at the pain in our heart and not at the causes and conditions and the concerns about it and the stories about it, our focus is, and pain for me has been a wonderful teacher

[28:37]

I don't recommend it, but I had it, and I got a chance to work with it. And it helped my concentration tremendously. I used to be able to sit. I never could sit cross-legged, but I would sit seiza like you're sitting on some cushions. And sometimes in going over my knees to do oryoki, after I'd been sitting for five or six days, and I'm doing formal meals in the zendo, I'm going over my knees, It makes you nauseous. That kind of pain can make you nauseous. But if you sit really, really still, and I mean really, really still, including, and this was the key, not just the body being still, because when we move, we tense, and we're going to irritate what it is that's already tense and irritated. We sit really, really still,

[29:39]

And if our mind doesn't move, if we don't try to be in some other place than where we are, the pain is just the pain. It's not my pain. It's not happening to me. It's just a study object. A study object. So Suzuki Roshi says, to kill the pain, or cold, or hot means to become one with the pain. You should, you know, forget about your legs, you know. You should become one with the pain. Not your body's pain, but pain. Not pain flavored with self-identity. Just plain old vanilla pain. I said that. Suzuki Roshi didn't say that. So it's not you who feels the pain because you're one with the pain.

[30:41]

Where could you be other than there? You're not in another place. So I've talked about two things that I've been studying around encouraging equanimity. Having a view that trying to control things is Useless, unwise, impossible. And working with the courage to not turn away from the pain itself, to stay in the middle of the pain, to release in the middle of the pain. And the process by which this... I was able to work with this was that first of all, I noticed that I wasn't... I wasn't in equanimity. So noticing.

[31:42]

Then I asked for help, which I highly recommend. Then I studied my resistance to letting go of control. And then I applied the teachings, which I have luckily heard before. So they're somewhere in me already. And I added to that by doing some reading. And then... I turn towards the pain. And this last part is... So I mentioned my brother who has been addicted to drugs most of his life, since about 14. And he's very buoyant and keeps bouncing back, but nothing actually really changes. And being with him again and... feeling an attempt on his part to normalize the situation, I couldn't... I couldn't participate anymore.

[32:51]

And... So I stepped back because I was making my heart cold in order to be around him. I was making my heart cold and I was angry. So I stepped back and I... I asked a friend to come with me and I went and saw him again and I let him know that I wasn't going to participate in helping him right now. And I wrote him a letter. And this is the last paragraph of the letter. This is incredibly difficult for me. As I said, my heart is broken. I vacillate between feeling hot and angry and wanting to scream at you to feeling cold and detached. So I have decided to express my love for you by standing aside, since I am sure that neither screaming nor being cold are helpful.

[33:56]

I will remain here just outside the grasp of your addiction, feeling both the loss of you and the love of you. So, for me, right now, that's equanimity. Feeling the loss and feeling the love. We're to be done at 8.30, is that true? So there are five or six more minutes if If anyone wants to bring anything up, it's fine if you don't want to, but if anyone does, I'd be open to that. Yes. One could go through that question intellectually and just logically say that if you are the pain, you're no longer you.

[35:22]

The pain is everything. So that's a logical answer. But I would suggest you try it. Okay. And breaking it down into smaller segments of time with the the sensations that you are calling pain, you're labeling it pain, but it's sensation. It's a negative sensation. Studying the instinct to pull back from it or to move or to try to find some other place. Study that without moving. Let the wish to move arise but don't move. There's lots of ways to work with it until it's so interesting. that you're not actually paying attention to this separate thing called you. That's, okay, welcome.

[36:26]

Yes. Welcome. It says to stand in the middle of all this, remain centered in the middle of whatever's happening. not going to answer a why question, but I'm going to say that that muffled sense is not sustainable.

[37:38]

You can practice it with moderately tolerable pain, but when the pain gets really strong, that's not going to work. So we're getting ourselves ready for the big pain. And sitting still is when things are pared down and there's not a lot else going on. It's a great training. It's an opportunity. You know, of course, don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. And it's not masochistic. It's not pain for the sake of pain. It's studying. When I moved off of doing SESA to a chair and I had no pain whatsoever in sitting, I had what I call cotton candy mind. And my mind for a year and a half, I sat for a year and a half out of Green Gulch with no way or where to develop my concentration or focus.

[38:42]

Until it occurred to me that when the mind moves, right there is some pain. That's why it moves. So then I had a new object of concentration. That was my good friend, pain again. But without physical pain, I had a hard time focusing. Yes? you're asking, since we're Buddha, why should we bother with working with pain?

[40:03]

Or what? You don't have to bother with pain until you have it. And I think you might be going to have it at some point. So... You've had it in the past. So... And it's not just physical pain I'm talking about. And Buddhas arise because of pain. There's no need for Buddha if there's no suffering beings. Buddha and suffering beings arise together. That's right. But they don't realize that they're Buddhas. That's why they're suffering beings. It might help.

[41:05]

May it be so. Okay, well, that's time. Thank you very much. This was more fun than I thought it was going to be. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[41:52]

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