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Embracing Intimacy for Enlightened Connection

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Talk by Kaira Jewel Lingo at City Center on 2021-10-20

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The talk emphasizes the concept of intimacy as a core practice in Zen philosophy, urging an embracement of mindfulness to foster connections and dismantle divisions arising from societal structures and personal biases. Through a narrative inspired by a Trappist monk, and reflections on current societal issues like the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, the discussion explores the importance of releasing attachments to views for deeper understanding and nonviolence. The speaker highlights the need for direct engagement with life and others to overcome narcissism and foster a compassionate, interconnected society.

Referenced Texts and Authors:

  • "Tales of a Magic Monastery" by Father Theophane: A collection of stories that blend Christian themes with koan-like reflection, illustrating the journey toward spiritual intimacy.

  • The Teachings of Dogen: Referenced to emphasize the idea that "enlightenment is intimacy with all things," providing a foundational structure for the discourse on connection and mindfulness.

  • The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings by Thich Nhat Hanh: Explored for its insights into the nature of mental formations and the practice of letting go to prevent suffering.

  • 14 Mindfulness Trainings of the Order of Interbeing by Thich Nhat Hanh: Highlighted particularly for their emphasis on non-attachment to views, reflecting on the origins of his experiences during the Vietnam War.

  • "The Thinking Christian" by Jean Marshall: Cited for definitions about true intimacy being an awareness that transcends scientific or contemplative observation, challenging narcissism.

  • Writings of James Baldwin: Referenced to elucidate the relationship between hate, pain, and the necessity for intimacy with oneself.

  • Observations by Hannah Arendt: Her analysis of totalitarianism is used to highlight how societal loneliness facilitates domination and underscores the need for relational proximity to overcome prejudice.

Each referenced work or author in the talk contributes to understanding how intimacy and a practice of releasing views underpin efforts to cultivate a more interconnected, nonviolent society.

AI Suggested Title: Embracing Intimacy for Enlightened Connection

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Transcript: 

Zen Center, City Center Online Zendo. Today's speaker is Kyra Jewel Lingo. Kyra Jewel practiced as a nun in the Plum Village tradition for 15 years and received Dharma transmission from Thich Nhat Hanh. Her work focuses on engaged Buddhism and she is the author of the new book, We were made for these times, skillfully moving through change, loss, and disruption. We will begin the talk with the opening verse, which you can find in the chat. Thank you. An unsurpassed, penetrating, and perfect dharma is rarely met with, even in a hundred thousand million kalpas. having it to listen to, to remember and accept.

[07:22]

I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. So, thank you. Dear friends, for having me here with you. I think it's my first time doing a program with the San Francisco Zen Center. And I'm really happy to follow in my teacher's footsteps, Thich Nhat Hanh, whose picture is behind me, who also, I think, came often to the San Francisco Zen Center. and particularly in the early years of the center. So I always like to invite us all to take our seats in our showing up in this virtual Dharma Hall together.

[08:43]

by checking in, by just sharing a little bit about who we are, what brings us here today, or what's alive in our minds and hearts today. It's wonderful also to know what... land we are calling in from we are living on what land is sustaining us and so if if you are willing to put in the chat and if we can open the chat for folks to share what lands you live on in terms of the native people whose land you're on i'm calling in from the land of the Munsee, Lenape, and Merrick peoples of Long Island, New York. So you could share your location and also something that's true about you in this moment, something that's alive for you in your body, in your mind, in your heart, something that you're

[10:05]

needing here today or that you're bringing with you that you'd like us to hold together. So I'll offer some moments for us to reflect and put these in the chat so that we can also really arrive here together as a sangha and know each other a little bit more. Just to speak out a little bit of what you all are sharing.

[11:27]

Curiosities, what some are bringing. Gratitude for Tai's presence and bringing his teaching into this virtual kendo. Happiness to see each other again. self-compassion, eagerness to hear the teachings, appreciating life of practice, being with sadness in this moment, hoping for ease, a tender heart, delight to see you again. Peace and tenderness to Mother Earth.

[12:33]

Community, interconnection, presence with challenges and uncertainties. Every step. Grateful for Tai, for Thich Nhat Hanh, and for you and for this chance to be together. Just the cat and me. Looking for connection and inspiration. Grateful for vast, deep human connection. Grateful to be here in community. And so good to read the places you're calling in from and to have those. First Peoples, First Nations, honored in the naming.

[13:38]

Greetings, dear ones, and thank you for your presence. So happy to be in community with practitioners, tender heart, finding hope for all beings, for democracy in the U.S., And grateful to have this opportunity to be with you and learn. Holding a friend who very recently transitioned. Thank you for sharing that with us. And we hold you in that transition as well. Looking for wisdom and some peaceful time. Grateful for this moment. For this time here in community. to help me ground and manifest ease in my life. Grew up in San Francisco, walking distance from the San Francisco Zen Center on Fell and Laguna.

[14:50]

And a shout out to Neil Brand. I'm someone who also plays the banjo and fiddle. Seeking resilience and hope. Joy in rediscovering my creativity and being able to share it with those who are suffering. Thoughts from my friend Jeff who passed last weekend unexpectedly. Holding you, holding you, Jeff. Thank you for sharing, sharing this. So Thank you for your shares and it's good just to hear from you and to know what our collective is holding and bringing. Yeah, so a few more shares.

[15:52]

Delighted to be here with peace and a mindful of curiosity and joy. sitting with the Rittenhouse verdict, yesterday, grieve, today, working. And another one, grateful. Yeah. So I want to invite us to begin the talk now, and there'll be some space for questions and responses. in about 35, 45 minutes. I want to begin by honoring that today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance, November 20th. It's also known as the International Transgender Day of Remembrance.

[16:54]

memorializes those who've been murdered as a result of transphobia. And it brings attention, awareness to the continued violence that transgender people endure. I'd like to start by telling you about a Trappist monk named Father Theophane. I had a chance to hear him speak in person at Snowmass Monastery in Colorado. He wrote a small book that's a favorite of mine called Tales of a Magic Monastery. koans, but from a Christian perspective.

[17:58]

So he lived in this very beautiful monastery that I also had a chance to visit in the mountains, the Rocky Mountains. And he tells a story of going into a three-month solitary practice in one of the huts on the side of the mountain where he could be surrounded by this pristine environment and herds of wandering antelope and elk, birds and all sorts of creatures and quite far from the monastery. So he would go for months at a time there on silent retreats. On one of these occasions, he talks about praying and meditating deeply for three months and a question. arose within him, what am I leaving out? And he couldn't find a single answer, but the question haunted him and became a silent mantra that arose again and again.

[19:09]

When he finally prepared to leave the isolated hut, he was walking the narrow path back towards the monastery. At that moment, the sun shined directly on a simple rock on the side of the path. He bent down and lovingly picked up the rock. He said, I apologized to this beautiful rock that I had completely ignored. I stood up, looked around, and apologized to all that surrounded me for not being fully present. Apologizing not just to that which was beautiful and pleasing, but to everything that was part of that moment. So this is a question that can guide us.

[20:20]

It can be a deep practice that we whisper to ourselves over and over. What am I leaving out? This is a story for me about intimacy. Dogen says enlightenment is intimacy with all things. In this time of great and growing division, politically, economically, culturally, in so many ways, this getting divided from each other, but also from ourselves and from the earth.

[21:22]

The medicine for this experience of division, separation, is intimacy. And dharma, mindfulness, it is a practice of intimacy. helps us to become more intimate with whatever is arising by seeing what it is we're leaving out. Practicing to really experience and live life deeply, fully with our whole selves. It's a a practice of getting close to life, coming close to ourselves, coming close to each other, touching reality closely.

[22:30]

So it's learning to see ourselves in each other and to see others in ourselves. encounter, we open ourselves up to listen, to learn, to receive another or whatever our object of awareness is, whatever is present. As some of you have mentioned already, I am also sitting with the turbulence in the wake of the verdict in Kyle Rittenhouse's trial from yesterday. And really wanting to stay intimate with this experience.

[23:38]

To stay connected to what this whole very charged situation can offer us. So there is real fear and Anger and despair and grieving, confusion. There's great... This verdict really...

[24:43]

points to the rifts in our society. And so making space as part of intimacy to feel whatever the emotions may be swirling at this time. Creating a moment to pause, to open to and honor what it is that's here. However we see this reality. And just noticing, is there disconnect? Is there a numbing? Is there an... Armoring, a hardening.

[25:47]

Is there a heating up? Is there a cooling down and pushing away? Distrust? Maybe relief, vindication. From what I've been hearing in different... of our society, there are basically two sides that are hardening against the other. And I invite us to give space to whatever our our reaction might be in this moment, whatever sense of connection or disconnection of judgment, blame, hatred, disgust, sadness, compassion, open-heartedness, willingness to stand up and challenge the status quo.

[27:06]

Whatever is here, how to be intimate with that. is our practice? And even in this moment of grief or great upset, what does it mean to ask ourselves, what am I leaving out? we be intimate with all the many beings involved in this very real situation of harm and deluded othering. And for anyone who isn't aware of this trial,

[28:13]

Kyle Rittenhouse was 17, living in Illinois, and he crossed into Wisconsin with an automatic rifle to protest protesters in Kenosha, Wisconsin, who were protesting the shooting by police of an unarmed Black man, which left him paralyzed from the waist down. And Kyle Rittenhouse killed two people at this demonstration and wounded another person. And the verdict was just given yesterday of not guilty on all counts. So in the teachings of the Buddha, subject and object are not two separate things.

[29:30]

What we observe or perceive is not actually separate from us. So there are 18 realms. All of our experience is contained within these 18 realms. 18 realms are made up of the six sense bases. So the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, mind. The six sense consciousnesses of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, cognizing. And the six sense objects. So all the things that we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and know. So all of our life experiences contained within those 18 realms. What sense organs we use to perceive, the ability to make sense of what we're perceiving, and the things that we perceive, all of them inter-are.

[30:37]

So we don't have perceiving without the object of perception. They co-arise together. So there's no smelling without a nose and something to smell. In this way, the object of our awareness isn't separate from us. The subject of awareness. When the subject arises, the object is also there. There can't be a subject without an object. So whoever or whatever we perceive as other, as soon as we perceive it, we are also them or it. Our ways of perceiving that other come from us, come from our own mind, our own patterning, our own ancestral ways of perceiving.

[31:49]

So the perceiver and the perceived arise together. They don't arise separately. And the Buddha said, most of our perceptions are wrong. So perceiver and perceived arise together. And if most of our perceptions are wrong, What does that say about the object of our perception? Most of the time we don't perceive the object of our perception correctly. So this is why the Buddha encouraged us to be mindful when our sense organs touch sense objects so that we won't fall into unnecessary suffering, like taking a stick to be a snake.

[33:01]

My teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, also known as Thai or teacher by his students, he made a calligraphy that said, are you sure, question mark? And he invited us to post it up and to ask ourselves very often if we're sure about the views and the perceptions that we have. So intimacy is about seeing and listening to what is actually here. And not just experiencing life through our perceptions of life. Touching directly, contacting what is as fully as we can. With a clear mind. With an open heart. Without prejudice.

[34:09]

Without views. Their awareness and attention. not through a filter or lens. To do this, we need to empty ourselves to perceive more accurately. We have to let go of our views and let the noisiness in our mind settle in order to hear clearly. Sister Gina is a sister in the Plum Village tradition. She was the abbess in the nun's hamlet when I was a monastic. And she tells the story of sharing mindfulness with the children.

[35:12]

She asked them to be silent for a minute or so and notice what they were hearing. they noticed many sounds, birds, wind in the trees. And she asked them, were those sounds there before, also before you were paying attention? And they nodded and they understood those sounds were there, but we only hear them when we are also there. Usually we're not there. We're not touching life directly. We're not truly alive because we're not emptied of all of the busyness in our minds that is like a veil between us and the actual reality of life.

[36:14]

We are in a mind-made trance caught up in our views, in our perceptions, our thoughts. And when we are able to come to some stillness, to silence, meditation, to bring our mind and body together, bringing our awareness into this moment, then we can see that lens, that veil, that's obstructing us, that's between us and life, then we can let it go. In the heart of the Buddha's teachings, Thich Nhat Hanh writes, there are many beautiful aspects of our consciousness like faith, humility, self-respect, non-craving, non-anger, non-ignorance,

[37:24]

diligence, ease, care, equanimity, and nonviolence. Unwholesome mental formations, on the other hand, are like a tangled ball of string. When we try to untangle it, we only wind it around ourselves until we can't move. These mental formations are sometimes called afflictions or kleshas because they bring pain to ourselves and others. Sometimes they're called obscurations because they confuse us and make us lose our way. Sometimes they're called leaks or setbacks, ashrava, because they are like a cracked vase. The basic unwholesome mental formations are greed, hatred, ignorance, pride, doubt, and views. So letting go of our attachment to views is a key practice of freeing ourselves from these basic setbacks or ways that we leak our energy, our presence.

[38:47]

So views of themselves are not problematic if we hold them skillfully. if we don't attach to them. They can be helpful if we know how to use them intelligently. So it's like climbing a ladder. In order to get to the next rung of the ladder, we have to leave the rung that we're standing on. To get to a deeper view, we have to be willing to leave the view we have behind. One of the ways of talking about right view, which is one of the eight practices of the Eightfold Path, wise view, skillful view, one of the ways right view is described is

[39:57]

Letting go of all views. And that's the way of speaking of nirvana also. The extinction of views. The absence of all views. Not being caught in any view anymore. Ajahn Chah, the Thai forest master, speaks about this in the same way. He says, if you let go a little, you'll have a little freedom. If you let go a lot, you'll have a lot of freedom. And if you let go completely, you have complete freedom. I remember a sister in the monastery.

[41:00]

had a practice of asking herself regularly, what is it that I need to let go of? We might ask ourselves, what view could I let go of? In the 14 mindfulness trainings of the Order of Interbeing, that The first three are all about non-attachment to views, letting go of views, not imposing our views on others. They came out of his experience of the war in Vietnam, which was a result of views, of ideologies. led people to destroy each other and homes and whole ecosystems and cause terrible destruction.

[42:18]

And this is happening in so many places still that our attachment to views is causing us to harm ourselves, harm other species, harm our planet. In one of these, the second training, non-attachment to views, it says, truth is found in life, and we will observe life within and around us in every moment. ready to learn throughout our lives. Truth is not found in a view, in an ideology, in a position. It's found in life. We have to observe life carefully to be able to be intimate with life, to respond to the truth of life in the moment, not our idea about it.

[43:27]

So, Being intimate with life, being intimate with others, is being attentive to how we can find truth in each moment. So this is a quote from a teacher of mine, Jean Marshall, who writes, true intimacy is an awakening that notices that other humans are not simply objects in my universe of scientific knowledge, nor are others direct participants in my solitary contemplative awareness. Another human is another universe of awareness that is viewing me within their universe of awareness. If a person has little or no sense of intimacy, we call that narcissism. a state of psychological limitation having to do with being locked into one's own brand of self-imaging.

[44:34]

Intimacy is a realm of living that challenges narcissism. So narcissism, he says, that's from his book, The Thinking Christian. Narcissism is this inability to be intimate. on a personal level. And what are we refusing to be intimate with? First of all, ourselves. If we can't be intimate with ourselves, particularly with our own pain, then we cannot connect with others. We need to make a connection with ourselves and then with others. James Baldwin says, I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

[45:44]

So hate is the abdication of intimacy with ourselves. Coming home to ourselves to be with our pain is an important part of addressing painful interpersonal difficulties. Holding ourselves with care, compassion, listening to ourselves, being intimate with ourselves. So on a group level, this also... This in-group and out-group is also a manifestation of narcissism. One group not willing to be intimate with itself first, and then with another group that is considered other, less than. And the whole focus becomes on sustaining that group, which functions as an extension of the self, the individual self.

[46:58]

This recent trial with Kyle Rittenhouse, it's an expression, in my view, of the narcissism of white supremacy. And it condones and facilitates further expressions of violence and assigning the other as an object that's separate from us, that is the the distorted other that we cut ourselves off from. And in doing, we cut ourselves off from ourselves personally, collectively. So whose voices are we unable to hear in our own lives?

[48:22]

When we're separate, when we're cut off, when we see ourselves as separate, because we aren't actually separate, but when we see ourselves as separate, cut off, violence is born out of that vacuum. I once heard someone say that every moment of mindfulness, is a moment that prevents violence. That's because every moment of mindfulness is a moment of intimacy. It's a moment of listening, of coming close to. You don't violate that which you know and care for deeply. Anna Arendt, a philosopher, a Jewish professor and writer, really studied how Nazi totalitarianism took over in Germany.

[49:30]

She says, what prepares people for a totalitarian domination is the fact that loneliness wants a borderline experience. usually suffered in certain marginal social conditions like old age, has become an everyday experience of the ever-growing masses of our century. And so many of us are so lonely. And without a grounding, without a... a sense of belonging to our larger whole. In the 1950s, people had twice as many friends as people do now in the US. Loneliness is a kind of pandemic.

[50:33]

And it's said to be more deadly than heart disease and smoking and so many of the top killers in terms of illness. When we're lonely, we're easily manipulated and pitted against each other. So listening deeply Connecting to the stories of others is a way to heal the narcissism that can arise on a group level. When in the early 2000s, Plum Village hosted groups of Israelis and Palestinians. Their work was to just...

[51:38]

practice for the first week to be embraced by the community. And in the second week, they just spent time listening to each other's stories. One day, one group would speak and the other would just listen for the whole day. And the next day, they would switch. And in that way, there was a much deeper understanding that came about. And where people arrived at Plum Village seeing each other as enemies, They were able over time to take each other's hands and walk together on the walking meditation every day in the monastery. And they left there and they created a sangha, a group that would practice mindfulness together. Israelis coming into Palestine. This was before the wall. Palestinians going.

[52:39]

to practice with folks in Israel. Yavila McCoy says, proximity is the only way people learn and change. Proximity, intimacy, listening deeply, not leaving out. And intimacy, listening deeply is also a way out of loneliness, prejudice and discrimination. After 9-11,

[53:43]

I suggested that we set up a council of wise elders whose sole purpose was to listen to the suffering of people first in the United States and then other countries that felt hurt, harmed, damaged by the United States. And that the people who would be with the listening should be capable of really holding space for everyone for hearing all sides and that this this set of deep sharing and deep listening should be televised and that that is how healing might occur by allowing the truth of

[54:47]

the pain in this country, the pain in the world to arise. I'm very grateful to the young and older activists and climate pioneers in different countries, especially the global South, that spoke deeply at COP26 about this pain, this suffering, asking the world to listen, to open their heart, to hear. I think we still have a long way to go. But that was some very... Heartfelt sharing of suffering by many of those people from the countries most affected by climate change right now.

[55:58]

Children, millions of children starving in Kenya because of drought caused by climate change, caused by... the recklessness of wealthy countries, developed countries, now having a direct impact on developing countries, poor countries, and the capacity of people in those countries to sustain livelihoods, to survive. How do we listen to the wish to be free, to be safe, to be seen as a full human being in each of our unique wonder and dignity and glory?

[57:27]

It's there in the hearts of every human on this planet. And it's in those that are... It's in every species of this planet. It's in the planet Earth herself. But it's in the victims of violence and oppression and... It's in the perpetrators of violence and oppression. It is all of these facets of this jewel of humanity need to be included and understood and healed. So thank you for your kind attention.

[58:53]

And we can take a breath together and then we'll recite the closing verse together. Tension equally extend to every being and place. With the true merit of Buddha's way. Beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Dharma games are boundless. We now have 20 minutes for question and answer.

[60:13]

And I'm going to put a link in the chat to Kyra Jewell's new book. So if you would like to ask a question, you can raise your hands and we will call on you and unmute you in the participants window. Thank you. I see Jeff. Hello. Thank you for your gorgeous talk. I'm trying to understand how to condemn violence and prejudice while not holding a fixed view. I have read in secular philosophy pretty regularly how if, you know, everyone is tolerant of intolerance, that leads only to intolerance because the intolerant people are essentially louder.

[61:22]

And I generally agree with that. But I'm also aware that me saying I agree with that is in itself a fixed view. Would you mind speaking to how we can remain intentionally intolerant of intolerance and continue to condemn violence and prejudice while still having no fixed views? Thank you, Jeff, for the question and deep reflection that the question comes from. You know, the word that comes to mind is interbeing. That's how we do this. When I think of Dr. King,

[62:24]

writing his letter from Birmingham jail, he was intolerant of being asked to wait, of being asked to, you know, just accept the status quo and, you know, keep your head down and this will change slowly. He knew that wouldn't happen. When you have power, you're not going to give it up. without a fight, without being totally challenged and shown your hypocrisy, the contradictions that underlie the structure that allows you to have power and to dispossess others. And so... He wrote that letter out of love. He wrote that letter out of a deep understanding of interbeing.

[63:27]

You can't be fully who you need to be unless I am fully who I need to be. And I can't be fully who I need to be in this system that's oppressive. So you have to give up your oppressing for you to be who you need to be. And for me to be who I need to be. That's the language of love. And that's how we can be consciously intolerant, as you spoke of, not by demonizing people who are intolerant, but by listening so deeply that we hear their own, their own deep wish for freedom that they don't even hear themselves. What was Kyle Rittenhouse What is our society not providing young white teenagers? We have to listen to what that need is that's beneath someone taking an automatic rifle and going to be a vigilante.

[64:37]

And he's part of a whole structure. We saw that in the courtroom playing out. of a system set up to protect someone like him, to encourage someone like him. So how do we hear what the need is in people who are discriminatory, are, you know, everyone is a victim of white supremacy. White supremacists, victims of white supremacy. What causes the cutoff from your own humanity that you will go and brutalize? And the law enforcement folks are telling you, great, good job patting you on the back, saying, go home.

[65:49]

So how do we look through the eyes of interbeing at everyone in this situation? How do we say no to the injustice, to the total dehumanization that this represents without dehumanizing ourselves? That's where it's so... where we have to be so careful. That's where the attaching to fixed views becomes dangerous. Because if we're not careful, we'll soon be just like the people that we're just trying to stop. That's why enlightenment, nirvana, is the extinction of all views. It doesn't mean that certain things aren't harmful and need to be stopped. But if we are caught in a view, we won't see the situation clearly, no matter what.

[67:02]

It doesn't mean we shouldn't do anything. Sometimes we have to do our best with the view that we have, which is as close to reality as we can get at that point. And we can always get closer to a clearer view of reality. It doesn't mean we shouldn't do anything. But we should be very humble. This is what I see now. Maybe in a day, in a week, in a year, I'll see differently. But I want to be willing. That's why that training says, always ready to learn throughout our lives. So we have a view. We live in a world where we have to have views, right? We can't operate without views. But then how do we hold them? Lightly so that we can learn if a better view comes along, if a more complete view comes along. So we have to be very humble. This is what I can see now. I'm sure I'll see more later.

[68:08]

And then my action can be even more helpful, even more effective as my view increases in clarity. Thank you, Jeff. Jerome? Hello. Kyrie, I can't see you. Hi, Jerome. I can hear you and see you. Oh, there you are. Nice to see you again. I was listening to Alan Wallace a few months ago, and he said in the 50s, there was a rise in materialism that produced all the consumerism we see today.

[69:10]

And this is what was the cause of the narcissism that we see. Have you heard about that triangle of his that he's talked about? And what do you think of? His analysis. The triangle of materialism. Consumerism and narcissism. They support each other around and around and around. Yeah. It makes sense to me. I think, you know, you also have to add in white supremacy, patriarchy. which are very much, and capitalism too, which are, the term racialized capitalism, I think is even more accurate. It's a whole system that is based on extraction and the dehumanization of ourselves and others, because I don't think you can become caught up in materialism and consumerism if you're not

[70:24]

somehow dehumanizing yourself as well as others. So it's certainly very much connected to the loneliness, right? For sure. Our sense of worth comes through what we can consume. And even our sense of identity of who we are, that we exist at all, is through this... materialism is consumerism. So I think it's all of a piece and also the materialism and consumerism are very much products of racialized capitalism and white supremacy and colonialism. That's a wonderful way of understanding it. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jerome.

[71:26]

Beautiful to see the sky behind you. Oh, yeah. I'm out on my deck. And it's a lovely day. I think I'll be able to go for a walk later. Nice to see you. You too, Jerome. Take care. Janos? Yes, Janos. Janos. Thank you so much here for your wonderful Dharma talk. I'm wondering if you could speak a little bit about fear of intimacy when I'm thinking of the... forgive me if mispronouncing her name, Ananis Nin, the poet who is saying so eloquently, when the fear of staying closed up as a bud and the pain of staying closed up as a bud is greater than the fear of opening up

[72:48]

to the blossom you are, we begin to open. So it seems like fear and pain are really tied together in opening us to be intimate. And I'm wondering if you could speak more to this. Thank you, Janosch, for naming that. Also, we have the fear and also the longing for intimacy. There's two conflicting forces in us. Like, we need this. And yet, if we've experienced rejection, which I think you can't be a human and not have experienced, then you fear opening to intimacy because it's so painful to be rejected. or to be disappointed or to be betrayed or to be ignored, however our bids for intimacy get squashed or somehow unanswered.

[74:05]

So then there's this push-pull of I want this, but it's maybe better to not have it and be safe. than to open myself up to it and be vulnerable, right? And you're talking about that moment when it's, when the bud realizes I just, I can't exist if I don't open and be vulnerable because I'm here to blossom. That's what a flower does, right? Humans are here to be intimate. And if we go to our grave in a, closed form we didn't do what we came here for and so at some point the longing may overtake the fear you know and we can do things also to care for the fear and to be discerning about how we

[75:16]

bring the longing to light, right? Because we can take good care of these vulnerable, tender places in us and entrust them to people, to places, to groups that deserve that trust, right? So it's our spiritual practice to learn that process of releasing the fear but with intelligence because some things need to be feared some people or places or situations are toxic and they need we don't need to expose ourselves in those situations right and then maybe you know the practice is also about really discovering finding those places those situations even places in nature or those people or those pets or those, you know, those teachers, whatever, that we can trust our vulnerability to, that we can have these encounters of intimacy with.

[76:31]

And Thay says... The world will be safe when we are safe within ourselves. We first create this intimacy in ourselves where we are trustworthy with ourselves. Trustworthy enough to hold our vulnerability. And then we find ways to manifest this. This. to be our blossoming self in other spaces that can honor us fully. And then it's really a spiral circle thing where we open up to intimacy and then we open up with others with intimacy. And that leads us to open more to ourselves with intimacy and to open more to others with intimacy and less with fear.

[77:41]

So the two support each other. the inward turning and the turning to cultivate intimacy with another or in a group. And that fear can be integrated. It doesn't need to be exiled or thrown away, actually. The fear is the mud that produces the lotus of... of courage, of wisdom, of open-heartedness. But it's through being with the fear that it turns into that blossom. It's not by getting over the fear, getting, you know, pushing it away or getting rid of it. It's actually really looking at it, bringing it close, getting intimate with the fear. that allows for this deeper intimacy with life.

[78:43]

Thank you. Looks like we have just about a minute left. Kaira Joel, would you like to offer a closing word to the assembly this morning? Sure. I'd like to offer you a song. Songs are a practice of intimacy. Since you spoke of Sir Janos, this is a song that I created to help myself. Hello fear. Hello garbage. Actually, hello weeds. That's the word.

[79:53]

The weeds inside. Okay. Hello weeds. Hello garbage. Hello future compost. Thank you for this chance for transformation. I'm so happy that you're here. If I hide you away, you'll just come back bigger anyway. So I'll take care of you and soon you'll be beautiful flowers. Are we unmuted?

[80:56]

Can we say thank you now? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your beautiful song. Thank you. I didn't think I'd be leaving laughing. Thank you. Beautiful song. Thank you very much. Thank you Kyra too. Thank you Kyra. Bye Chloe and your mom. Thank you for your practice. Thank you. Thank you Kyra. Thank you for speaking and singing. Thank you. I don't feel like leaving, but I guess.

[82:14]

Thank you. Tara, are you muted? I'm here. Yes, I was muted. Thank you, everyone, so much. So good to be with you. Yeah. Take care of yourself. Look forward to slow walking with you someday. Oh, that would be lovely. Lovely. Thank you, everyone.

[82:40]

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