This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, and I also welcome you to the Wednesday Evening Dharma Talk. As Matt already introduced me, My name is Kyoshin Wendy Lewis, and I've been a teacher and a resident at San Francisco Zen Center for many years. This evening, I am going to be addressing a topic that runs through traditional Buddhist training and understanding. Essentially, it is the relationship between renunciation and freedom. So the title I have for the talk is Courage, Futility, and the Promises of Practice.

[01:04]

And I'll clarify those aspects as I speak. So when we think of renunciation, there's a tendency to sort of have a slightly negative connotation to it. But it's actually not so much about getting rid of or giving up things or recreating a new identity or something as much as it is about addressing the attachment we naturally have to what I think of as our biography, which is a combination of kind of vanity and self-centeredness. That is the basis for our survival techniques. And it shouldn't be denigrated. Like, even though those sound kind of like negative connotations, this is actually our biography, our vanity, our self-centeredness are the resource for our transformation.

[02:09]

They are what we have to work with. And they also are the resource for our self-understanding. Like what has created this combination of qualities and characteristics and habits? And how can we reflect on that and see what could be addressed about them for our benefit and for the benefit of others? So in the Buddhist context, this combination could be described as our sense of an abiding self. Pretty straightforward. But it's the clinging to this sense of abiding self that is the basis for suffering. And suffering is not necessarily a negative experience. You know, we can enjoy longing for things. achieving things, losing things even, even when that's accompanied by things like anxiety and chaos and distress.

[03:22]

So I think, you know, there's also something to be said for the excitement of things happening in our lives or not happening and all the activity that arises around that in our minds and around us and, you know, our and our manipulations and all of that. It gives a sense that our circumstances have meaning and purpose and a quality of movement or unfolding that things are happening. And in this context, moments of freedom can be disconcerting, especially when they can't be associated with some effort. or circumstance that is obvious to us. And in Zen practice, when you have those moments of kind of freedom, this kind of sense of quiet, not happeningness, these are, you're instructed to sort of see this as passing, as insubstantial and even imaginary.

[04:34]

And yet... they can be valued and appreciated, and we can be grateful for them. They offer this hint of calm and restfulness that might not be so familiar, but that gives us a hint of something. So many teachings are geared towards encouragement and cheerfulness, raising energy. And then there's also a tradition of berating students, criticizing, belittling practitioners. And in between these perspectives is a style of inquiry that can move back and forth, testing the edges of these sort of different ends of atmosphere, I guess you could call it, or attitude.

[05:36]

And they test the edges of righteousness, natural to our practice is that sense of, you know, moments like that. Complacency, boredom, our spiritual ecstasy and despair, our inside vision and peace. And this inquiry interprets impermanence, which is an aspect of suffering. as a resource for transformational insight. So, you know, often I go back to Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind or other, you know, sort of lectures by Suzuki Roshi. And you'll hear a lot of us do that. And that's basically I'm going to be talking about Suzuki Roshi's teachings tonight. And these are all from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. And he, in one of the talks, he says, Dogen Zenji said, Shoku generally means mistake or wrong.

[06:48]

Shoku means to succeed wrong with wrong or one continuous mistake. According to Dogen, One continuous mistake can also be Zen. A Zen master's life could be said to be so many years of Shoshaku Jusha. This means so many years of one single-minded effort. So often when this is quoted, you know, one continuous mistake, that last sentence isn't included. This means so many years of one single-minded effort. So when we consider the biographies of Shakyamuni and Dogen, who's the founder of Soto Zen, the details are not exactly reliable. They're sketchy and complicated. And this is the case with many spiritual and religious mystics and reformers and practitioners.

[07:56]

Neither Shakyamuni nor Dogen left autobiography. And based on what historians know about them, their lives are not exactly enviable. I mean, I'm not sure, you know, some of us might sort of wish to try to live as they did and make efforts in that. But it's not as though you would do it for fun. If I can just in this, you know, briefly put it that way. And it may even make us feel a bit nervous, you know, to compare our commitment with them. And yet their courage is inspiring and motivating. And it's also shot through with renunciation, which is how I understand so many years of one single-minded effort. Meditation or meditative methods are the basis of renunciation.

[09:03]

They can sometimes be interpreted and be engaged in through aspects of rejection and masochism, as well as through ambition and ideas of self-improvement or healing. And those aspects all need to be examined and included and to be offered kindness and compassion. as well as reflection and maybe some restriction. For one, there's one thing that always occurs to me when I hear the Buddhist life, and that is that people are concerned when they think of Shakyamuni rejecting his family, particularly his wife and his son. Yet, you know, in a way that's similar to 12-step work, it's necessary to remove oneself from the people and the circumstances that support one's addiction or clinging.

[10:07]

So it's not just, anyway, I won't go too much into it, but loss as well as relief will be part of that separation. And I know, you know, many people who have done 12-step work or that sort of thing or any sort of healing, therapy, may be familiar with that sense of having to step away from those things that trigger us, hurt us, remind us, get us caught in little circular aspects of how our experiences cause us to suffer, basically. So freedom and loss, I think, are not antithetical. And the connection between them is the connection between wisdom and compassion.

[11:10]

So, you know, the Buddha steps away from his family, but there's probably some pain in there. And so he has to apply this compassion. to his wisdom that realizes that separation is necessary for freedom. So they're always like working with each other, wisdom and compassion, freedom and loss. And I think freedom is like truth in that it has an aspect of pain. And that's partly because we remain in the world as it is, and we continue in our same body, mind, heart. And so one way of negotiating this body-heart-mind continuity is encapsulated, or you could say described or taught, through the Four Noble Truths. And all four of the truths are always true.

[12:14]

So even though it's like one, two, three, four, they're all always true. And through self-examine, or the recognition of the first two truths of suffering and the origin of suffering, one's positive and negative characteristics become that resource that I mentioned earlier for one's unfolding realization. There's really nowhere else to go. I mean, what else could you use? What else could you sort of have access to except? those aspects of oneself. And then because of the third and the fourth noble truths, this unfolding is held in a context of clarity and humility rather than arrogance or kind of narcissism. In a sense, you know, our realization leans us towards deeper renunciation.

[13:22]

So Suzuki Roshi taught, perfect freedom is not found without some rules, but this does not mean always to be under control. As long as you have rules, you have a chance for freedom. To try to obtain freedom without being aware of the rules means nothing. It is to acquire perfect freedom that we practice zazen. And because I was thinking about this talk, especially this morning, I was sitting in the Zendo thinking Zazen, freedom, Zazen, freedom, and feeling what that might be. So what rules do is they help and allow us to bear our freedom. So there's, you know, you've got the four normal truths and that last one. is how you kind of stand it, that you are free of all of these conditions of reality.

[14:35]

So in the meantime, because we hold a lot of preconceived beliefs, you know, it's like, how do you get to that moment of realization? So we hold these beliefs, beliefs and perspectives of how things should be. And therefore, it's necessary to press at the boundaries of these preconceptions to free them, you know, from the limitations of the familiarity we have with reality and thus interpret reality and from the limitations that we place on what is possible or can be imagined. because of that and this is a type of courage that may be admired or condemned and it's difficult to know which way that will go because as you push at those edges there's a little bit of of chaos I guess you would call it or tension as well as a kind of expansion and you know in if you think of 12-step work you know

[15:49]

People don't like you to change, right? They don't want you to do something or say something that they don't expect. I feel like, you know, artists have that problem. They have to keep creating the same picture, the same song, the same book, you know, in order to keep selling their work or something like that. So what happens when those boundaries get pushed, get pressed, get even tapped? I think that this is kind of reflected in the lives of Buddhists and other spiritual seekers in the absurdities and triumphs that are both part of their spiritual path. Some of the stories of the Christian mystics are very puzzling, and you wonder, why did they do that one? And it was this... to press the edges.

[16:50]

In their perspective, how do you see God? How do you have a relationship with God? Well, because that's an inconceivable reality, you have to keep pressing, extending, and also reflecting, contemplating. And I think there's a similarity. as I was alluding to just a moment ago, between the spiritual paths and the paths that artists, many artists, I should say, take. And there was an article in The New Yorker by Lauren Collins about the actor Omar C. And C is the star of the Netflix series Lupin, which some of you might have seen. Yeah. And his career, as is the case with many artists and actors, has kind of been up and down. And one of the directors he worked with commented, Omer and I like to claw our way out of holes that we dig for ourselves.

[17:59]

We say that it's like one long series of attempted career suicides. LNC is quoted, to do great things you take risks. I actually don't even see it as risk. I think it's just the job. And so implicit in this is a sense of humor about pressing those edges, touching those edges. Kind of, well, this might be a sort of freedom. So this kind of sense of humor is not about jokes or laughter, which I'm sure you know. But in a way, it's a way of looking. at the futility of our self-oriented ideologies. So, you know, it's creative thought and invention that develops methods and technologies that both support and destroy the very point of being alive by both being considerate and destructive of the complexity of what that means.

[19:07]

And so there's this kind of pinching sense of futility in the midst of wonder. Suzuki Roshi told his students or one of his students, I'm not quite sure, don't be so anxious for enlightenment. You might not like it. And what he may have meant by that is that it includes... holding all the contradictions while still making this huge effort of going on as the Buddha did with one's meditation and ethical practices as defined in the fourth noble truth. As I was, you know, there's a way that the, you know, these thoughts about practice and teaching and working with others, You know, how these actually evolve in one's life. There's these little things that come in and out as you think about that.

[20:09]

And there's a line from a song by Bob Dylan that kept coming to my mind as I was thinking about and putting this talk together. And it's, isn't it just like the night to play tricks when you're trying to be so quiet? I'm just going to leave that. And one of the things about all the renunciation and ethics and the efforts that we make to meditate is that there are addictions of abstinence or renunciation as well as of indulgence. So with nowhere else to go, how do we access what Buddhist practice, Seems to promise that is, you know, this freedom from suffering. And I think that eventually even renunciation has to be renounced.

[21:13]

So. Every week. When I go into the laundry room to do my laundry. And this is a shared laundry room. Many people use it. And almost always, and I would say always, except maybe sometimes this doesn't happen, but usually it does. The Lynch filters are full and the floor is scattered with sand and bits of paper and surfaces are dusty and so on. I mean, a lot of people are using it. But each time I go in, I go through this little combination of kind of hurt and frustration and also love and respect and sympathy. for all the people who use that room. So part of my routine is to do a little bit of cleaning in there and wipe services down and sweep and stuff like that. And as I do it, I go through this kind of internal conversation of thinking, you know, well, should I complain?

[22:22]

Should I write an email to everybody saying we should keep, we should do this? And then I think, well, You know, I consider there's times when I'm stressed and I consider that there are times that I do things that irritate people or forget things and so on and so forth. And that I am also loved and respected. And it's weird, you know, all this is, it's like doing my laundry. But this simple weekly experience, there's this in it, there's this kind of... ambiguity about my relationships with other people that kind of dissipates as I continue to go about, you know, just washing and drying and folding my laundry. But it's so weird that every week I go through some kind of process like that. What are my relationships with people?

[23:22]

What are their relationships with me? How does it show in how we... treat our shared spaces, and that sort of thing. What is all this about? Well, I think the promise of Buddhist practice and understanding is a kind of fraught equanimity or composure. And that is, you know, it's a kind of a non-passive love and concern that includes oneself, And the world. And that is not compelled. To control. Or improve. But instead. To bear. Not quite imaginable. Inclusiveness. And this requires. Silence. And acceptance. As well as. Pressing at boundaries.

[24:23]

Teaching. And practicing. disciplined and complaining. And all this is kind of shot through with a non-prescribable and indescribable sense of peace or liberation. And this is what I think develops over one's time of practice. And Suzuki Roshi said... Whether or not you make yourself peaceful is the point. The best way towards perfect composure is to forget everything. Then your mind is calm and it is wide and clear enough to see and feel things as they are without any effort. But if you try to stop your mind or try to go beyond your conscious activity, that will only be another burden for you.

[25:26]

So whatever your mind is doing or not doing, you're still in this world. and its circumstances. And a clear, empty mind depends on guidance and context and a willingness to offer, as well as be open to challenge and humor and renewal within the kind of strange and fraught ambiguity and uncertainty of our human condition. And this requires courage. in contending, in extending the boundaries of what we already know and acceptance of futility regarding the limitations of an ideological standpoint.

[26:36]

You can't purify another, as they say in Buddhism, and confidence in the promises of meditation, ethics, and Buddhist teachings. Thank you very much. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[27:17]

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