Bursting forth of life, of leaves and flowers and buds all opening in the woods around the Chapel Hill Zen Center and Pat's house. The dogwood was just opening when I got there and was in full bloom when I left, and the red bud and the azalea. And then I came back, and instead of talking about the bursting forth of life, I find that our dear friend and Dharma brother Jerry is dying. And here we have the great matter of birth and death right in our face. Right here.

[01:04]

Here. On the verse of the Han, it says, great is the matter of birth and death, impermanent, quickly passing, awake, awake, each one. Don't waste this life. And Nagarjuna, the great teacher, said, seeing into impermanence is itself the mind of awakening, is itself bodhicitta, the mind which turns toward awakening for the benefit of all beings. The mind which turns toward awakening to our inseparable oneness with all being.

[02:07]

And in the nunju ceremony we chant, all should practice as if to save our heads from fire. This coming home to find that Jerry, who was just a moment ago serving tea in the tea room, being the consummate host to the guests in the tea room, was now being host to visitors who were coming to say goodbye as he was dying. And he was the consummate host also in his room, taking care that everyone was comfortable. The great master Dongshan said, to wear this robe and not to have understood the great matter

[03:35]

is the most painful thing. In the Denko Roku, which is the transmission of the light, stories about the dharma transmission or the intimate connection from teacher to disciple through the transmission of the Buddha mind in our lineage, he speaks of the 42nd ancestor, Liangshan. He studied with Dongshan, the latter, and served him. Dongshan asked him, what is the business beneath the patch robe? The master had no answer.

[04:35]

Dongshan said, studying the Buddha way and still not reaching this realm is the most painful thing. Now you ask me. The master said, what is the business beneath the patch robe? Dongshan said, intimacy. The master was greatly awakened. This intimacy means literally, intimate means literally inmost. And Suzuki Roshi used to direct our attention again and again to what is your inmost request. This practice of ours begins with intimacy with ourself, with becoming familiar with

[05:42]

our inmost concern. In the commentary on this case, Keizan, who wrote the Denko Roku, says, What was the original intention in getting people to leave home and escape the passions? It was just to get them to arrive at Buddha wisdom and vision. Taking the trouble to establish Zen communities and gathering together the four groups of female and male monastics and lay people was only for the purpose of clarifying this matter. Therefore, we speak of the meditation hall as the place for selecting Buddhas. It is not simply in order to create an uproar by gathering together a community.

[06:45]

It is only for the purpose of getting people to thoroughly understand themselves. It is only for the purpose of getting people to thoroughly understand themselves. That's what we're doing here. That's the only reason for our being here. There's no other reason. Suzuki Roshi says in a lecture, Shikantaza arzazen is just to be ourselves. We should not expect anything. Just be ourselves and continue this practice forever.

[07:46]

That is our way, you know. If you feel yourself without any idea of time in the smallest particle of time, that is zazen. The reason we say this is that if we are involved in an idea of time, various desires will start to create some mischief. But when you have no idea of time, your practice will go on and on with everything. This practice is not so easy. You may not be able to continue it even for one period. You must make such a big effort. Maybe what you can do though, is to extend this feeling, moment after moment,

[08:52]

or to prepare for shikantaza. And this preparation or extension of the practice to another period of time eventually will be extended to everyday life. How you extend our practice is to expose yourself as you are. You shouldn't try to be someone else. You should be very honest with yourself and express yourself fully. And you should be brave enough to express yourself. Whatever people may say, you know, it's all right. You should be just yourself, at least for your teacher. But what happens with you when you try to be just yourself and try to expose yourself completely as you are? How do you find that? Do you find that

[09:55]

there are some things that you don't really want other people to see about you? There may be some things you don't even want to see about yourself. So the first thing we have to do is expose ourselves to ourself. Is to really turn inward and allow ourselves to see ourselves completely. And often it's most important to have a good Dharma friend in this process. In the Magiya Sutta, which I think Norman was sharing with you during the practice period, the Buddha says to Magiya, when the heart's release is not mature,

[11:02]

the first thing that leads to its maturity is a lovely intimacy, a lovely companionship, a lovely friendship. So a friendship with someone else or a whole community of others who are also making this effort to settle the great matter, who are making this effort to understand themselves, to be fully who they are. And this is the intimacy which is spoken of also in this 42nd case of Dengaroku. This lovely intimacy.

[12:04]

This being completely open with ourself and with another. Nothing hidden. It's not so easy to do. As Suzuki Roshi says, you must make such a big effort. He says, just to be yourself, to be honest with yourself and to express yourself fully without expecting anything and to be ready to understand others is how you extend our practice to everyday life. But it's not so easy to be free from selfish practice. So even if only for one hour a day you should try to sit Shikantaza without moving,

[13:09]

without expecting anything, as if you are in your last minute. Moment after moment you feel your last minute. In each inhaling and in each exhaling there are countless units of time and you should live in each unit of time. Then he talks about breathing. This way that he talks about breathing in this talk I want to share with you because I think it's very important and I think it really helps us in this effort to become intimate with ourself. You should breathe smoothly, exhaling first and then inhaling. Calmness of your mind is beyond the end of your exhale.

[14:14]

If you exhale in that way, smoothly, without even trying to exhale, you are entering into the complete perfect calmness of your mind. Then naturally your inhaling will start from there. All your blood will be cleaned and that fresh blood will carry everything from outside to pervade and refresh your body. You are completely refreshed. Then you will start to exhale to extend that fresh feeling to the emptiness. In this way, moment after moment, without trying to do anything, you continue Shikantaza. So with your exhaling you will gradually vanish, gradually fade into the emptiness. And inhaling will naturally bring you back to yourself

[15:19]

with some color or form. And again within exhaling you gradually fade into emptiness. Empty white paper. This is Shikantaza. I'm just explaining the feeling of Shikantaza. The important point of Shikantaza is in your exhaling. Instead of trying to feel yourself, try to fade in emptiness when you exhale. When you have this practice in your last moment, you have nothing to be afraid of. You are actually aiming at emptiness, the empty area. There is no other way for you to have a feeling of immortality. You become one with everything after you completely exhale with this feeling. If you are still alive, naturally you will inhale again. Oh, I'm still alive.

[16:21]

So then you start to exhale and try to fade into emptiness. Maybe you don't know what kind of feeling it is, but some of you know it. By some chance you must have felt this kind of feeling. You become one with everything after you completely exhale. Let's go. This is completely understanding ourselves as this particular form and color. And understanding ourselves as one with everything. This is the fundamental teaching

[17:28]

that we try to make our own direct experience. We just keep coming back to breath, moment after moment, right where we are. To say that we try to make it our experience is too much. You know, Sobhagat Kotharoji said, Zazen is completely useless. And until you understand that, until you get it through your thick skull that it's completely useless, then it's really completely useless. But if we keep making this effort to stay with breath in this way,

[18:30]

it actually is our experience in Zazen. This non-separateness. When you have this practice, he says, you cannot be angry so easily. Because you're interested in inhaling more than exhaling, you become angry quite easily. You're trying to be alive always, you know. The great joy for us is in exhaling rather than inhaling. So exhaling is very important for us. To die is more important than to try to be alive. We always try to be alive, so we have trouble. Instead of trying to be alive or active, if we try to be calmer and die or fade away into emptiness,

[19:36]

then naturally we will be taken care of. Various sects of religious practice are included in this point. When people say, Namu Amida Butsu, Namu Amida Butsu, they want to be Amida Butsu's children. That is how they repeat Amida Butsu's name in their practice. The same thing is true with our Zazen practice. Zazen practice is not different from their practice. If you know how to practice Shikantaza, and if they know how to repeat Amida Buddha's name, they cannot be different as long as their practice is Buddhism. As Buddhists we have the same practice in different ways. So we can enjoy, we are free, we feel free to express ourselves because we are ready to fade into emptiness. If you are trying to be active and special and trying to do something,

[20:38]

you cannot express yourself. Small self will be expressed, but big self will not appear from the emptiness. From the emptiness only great self appears. That is Shikantaza, OK? It's not so difficult if you try, if you really try. Once when I was... I had been practicing not so very long, but long enough that I was sitting in a session, and it really seemed like I had learned how to count my breath.

[21:40]

You know, I could count every breath from one to ten. And back again at one to ten. And so I went to Suzuki Roshi in Doksan and I said, now I can count every breath from one to ten. I counted all, last period I counted every breath. I didn't miss any. What do I do now? And he said, don't ever think that you can sit Zazen. That's a big mistake. Zazen, sit Zazen. And I was quite surprised, because he'd never been quite so strict with me before. He'd always been very kind and encouraging. So I said, yes sir, and went back to the Zendo. A few years later, when I was at Green Gulch, in the office, I was taking a census for the Secretary of Zen Center.

[22:43]

I was supposed to get a list of everyone living at Green Gulch and how long they'd been practicing. And so I went up to Jerry, who was here before I came. I think he'd been around maybe about ten years by then. And I had my little clipboard in hand, and I said, Jerry, how long have you been sitting Zazen? And he said, well, I tried again this morning. I never forgot that. Never forgot that. He had understood Suzuki Roshi's teaching that Zazen, sit Zazen. And he just put himself on the cushion every morning and did his best.

[23:45]

And that's all any of us can do. We do our best to stay right there with each breath. Letting it go all the way out. And letting the inhale come in of its own. When I try to do that, it's not always so easy. Sometimes the exhale goes out, and it's very quiet. And I become a little anxious about whether the inhale is going to come in. And so I find myself, some little something way down there in the bottom of my belly starts reaching for the inhale. Not content to just wait for it to come of its own. And I have to be patient with whatever that is.

[24:50]

It feels like fear to me. I have to just stay with that. Just stay with that feeling of not being ready to let it all go. Stay with that feeling of wanting to be alive. And reaching for it. Not having confidence in it. Whatever we find as we breathe, whatever places our breath doesn't just go and come freely, wherever it gets stuck is a place to become more intimate with ourself. It's a place to stay with whatever feels tight or closed. And allow it to be more open.

[25:52]

Allow ourselves to find out more about what's here. What do I need to know about this one? What do I need to embrace? What am I turning away from that I need to turn toward? So that I can be truly intimate with this one. So that I can be fully and completely who I am. Without being fully and completely this particular one, without being intimate with this one as it is, it's not so easy to be intimate with others. So by practicing being completely intimate,

[26:55]

with everything that I find right here, being completely open to everything, not turning away from anything, not rejecting anything, I can begin to be more open with everyone and more accepting of everything I find in the so-called outside. The so-called inside, the more open and whole and complete it is, can meet more thoroughly with the so-called outside. Until we find that this inside and outside are just a figment of our imagination or are just two sides of one thing.

[27:55]

Rumi, the great Sufi poet, has a poem, Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there's a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other, doesn't make any sense. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there's a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other, doesn't make any sense.

[29:03]

It reminds me of the lines in Xin Xin Ming which say, when doubt arises, simply say, not to. In this not to, nothing is separate. The whys of all times and places have entered into this truth. So Rumi, in his Sufi understanding, has entered into this truth of non-duality. Suzuki Roshi, once again, in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, in talking about breath, again talks about this non-duality. When we practice Zazen, our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world.

[30:12]

And when we exhale, the air goes out to the outer world. The inner world is limitless. And the outer world is also limitless. We say inner world or outer world, but actually there is just one whole world. In this limitless world, our throat is like a swinging door. The air comes in and goes out like someone passing through a swinging door. If you think, I breathe, the I is extra. There is no you to say I. So when we practice Zazen, all that exists is the movement of the breathing. But we are aware of this movement. You should not be absent-minded. But to be aware of the movement

[31:17]

is not to be aware of your small self, but rather of your universal nature, or Buddha nature. This kind of awareness is very important because we are usually so one-sided. Our usual understanding of life is dualistic. You and I, this and that, good and bad. But actually these discriminations are themselves the awareness of the universal existence. You means to be aware of the universe in the form of you. And I means to be aware of the universe in the form of I. You and I are just swinging doors. This kind of understanding is necessary. This should not even be called understanding. It is actually the true experience of life through Zen practice. But in our work of arriving

[32:24]

at this feeling of limitlessness, we have to explore what the limits are that we find in ourselves. We have to find out how we have divided ourselves up and separated ourselves from ourselves. And I like particularly this poem that Norman introduced us to by Derek Walcott called Love After Love. One day you will with elation greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror. Each will smile at the other's greeting saying, sit here, eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine, give bread,

[33:25]

give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your image from the mirror, sit, feast, feast on your life. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Are there aspects of yourself whom you have ignored to please others?

[34:28]

I have certainly found that to be the case myself. Important aspects of myself which I discarded and abandoned because I thought they were not what my parents wanted. And recently I've been trying to reclaim them. And it's a great joy. It's a great joy. It has turned out that these parts of myself which I abandoned, those very parts where my suffering is because I didn't accept them, that very place is where I can find out how to meet others in their suffering. If I can meet this suffering

[35:34]

of my own completely and fully, this is the gateway to compassion. This is the gateway to being with others in their suffering. Instead of this rejected part of myself being some burden to drag about, it becomes a jewel. It becomes. So it becomes not sort of passively accepting oneself. It becomes a passionate embracing of oneself. This is our practice,

[36:36]

is to become so intimate with everything that we find here. That we can truly love all of what we find here and therefore love everything around us. Our love becomes freed up to flow without barrier and boundary. So, taking the trouble to establish Zen communities and gathering together the four groups of people

[37:39]

is only for the purpose of clarifying this matter. It is not simply in order to create an uproar by gathering together a community. It is only for the purpose of getting people to thoroughly clarify, understand, become intimate with, love completely this one. This one. When Dongshan was leaving Yunmin, he said, if in future times someone should ask me about you, what should I say? And Yunmin said, just this one is. Dongshan hesitated and Yunmin said, you must be very careful with understanding just this one.

[38:43]

Dongshan went on his way, on his pilgrimage, and as he was crossing a stream, he saw his reflection in the water. And he had a great realization of just this one. He said, I go my own way now and wherever I look, I see myself. I am not it, but it actually is me. When we come to fully embrace ourself, then we can see ourself wherever we look. The whole world becomes a mirror.

[39:49]

Dongshan didn't think that just that reflection in the water was himself, but he saw himself but the water itself and the stones and the whole river and everything that he saw was no other than himself. To wear this robe and not clarify the great matter is the most painful thing. Life is fleeting. Life is fleeting. Please don't spend your time in vain. Is there some discussion?

[41:03]

Yes. Yes. Yes, I'm told that we die on the exhalation. It's true. So this is why Suzuki Roshi says, if you're still alive, then the inhale will come. Yes? This body? This temporary body we have on loan for a while? Yes? How is it that the limits of the self are the same as the gateway to liberation? I don't know.

[42:25]

I don't know what the limits of the self are. No, I don't think so. When we have some idea of self, when we have some limited idea of self, I think to see through that limit may be the gateway to liberation. To see that our limited idea of self is a delusion. So then you're just back to liberation? Well, if you find that the self is without boundary, what's binding you? Yilda, I don't want to answer that question

[43:35]

too lightly or too definitely. I think that this is a good question for you to stay with. That's the first answer that came up for me, but it's just one possible answer. It's not a final answer. But it's clear to me that this body is temporary. But what it is that dies... You know, there's this great story about... Let's see... Who is it? Somebody's condolence call? Dawu's condolence call? Dawu's condolence call. He goes with a monk to do a funeral service and the monk knocks on the coffin and says, Alive or dead? Dawu says, Won't say. Won't say.

[44:38]

And the monk keeps after him. Alive or dead? Won't say. And on the way home he got really kind of frantic about it and he grabbed him by the robe and he said, Why won't you say? Alive or dead? Alive or dead? And he says, I won't say. I'll hit you if you don't tell me. You probably know this story better than I do. You've studied it a lot. He said, Won't say. And so he hit him. And Dawu said, Maybe. You know, if the other monks find out about this they may make it rough for you. Maybe you better go on pilgrimage and visit some other teachers. And he finally visited someone else and brought up the question and asked again. And this teacher also said, Won't say. But at that point he finally broke through whatever he was holding back.

[45:45]

So this question is, this is the great question that we need to find out about.

[45:58]

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