There's no place like home. When... Dennis was greeting me upstairs to be the attendant to help carry the incense, and I asked him how long he had worn the Rakasu, and he said five years, and then I said, what brought you to Zen or to Zen Center? Sometimes those are different things. And he said he tried various other... He was recommended to start meditation. He tried various ways, and none of them felt like home until he came here.

[01:05]

And the name of my talk today is There's No Place Like Home. So, thank you, Dennis. About a week ago, when I started to think about the upcoming holidays, I felt a growing... kind of heavy grayness near my heart. And I recognized that this was something somewhere between sadness and longing in that spectrum. And I was pretty sure that it was coming from, it was being generated by the thought of not being with any of my biological family for this last holiday Thanksgiving, or for the next one, Christmas. Now, since I'm fortunate enough to have been exposed to the teachings of Zen, and I think also the great fortune of having been encouraged to make vows, bodhisattva vows, so that that study

[02:24]

of Zen is a commitment for this lifetime and who knows how long. And because I was concerned that that grayness might grow and interfere with my ability to take care of myself and to meet the needs of the people that I want to help, I wanted to start finding, looking for the antidote to that gray feeling, that heavy gray feeling. So the teachings that I've been exposed to, many of you have been exposed to, tell me that there's a choice there. And in this situation, that feeling had not grown so large, so deep, so heavy, that I was incapacitated.

[03:36]

And I recognize that that can happen. That can happen. But in this case, I felt like it was workable. I could get in there with that feeling. So I'm here to share with you that if that's up for you, There's a choice there. And so when we manage to step out of the kind of habitual response to things, so that beginning depression was a habitual response to the idea of not being with my biological family. If we're able to ask questions at that point, often the answers are right in front of our nose, right there. So last week, as I knew this talk was coming and I actually hadn't started to prepare for it, I asked myself the question, what should I talk about?

[04:51]

What should I talk about? And of course, the most important thing to bring forth to others is what you're working on yourself. That's what I think. So this is what I was working on myself. So I gave myself a break after a very long week, and I was laying down on the couch, and I actually have a TV. Not everybody in this community has one. I have a TV and a dog. I'm very, very, very fortunate. The community supports me to have both of those. So I was laying down on the couch, Turned on the TV, flipping through, flipping through, football games, various other things, reality shows. And then what pops up? The last 30 minutes of Wizard of Oz. So this particular film has a special significance for me. Maybe you too. I am not quite sure how old I was when I first saw it, but however old I was, I merged with Dorothy.

[06:01]

Dorothy and I were one. And when she stepped out of the tornado-ravaged house into Oz, when that door opened and her foot went over the threshold and it turned to Technicolor, I decided that somehow, in retrospect, when I look back at that time, I can feel it. It was an intellectual decision. But I decided that that moment, that transitional moment from assumed to unthinkable, is where I wanted to live my life. That moment transitioned from... acceptable, ordinary thinking to seeing things in a completely unthinkably new way. So, I've done that from time to time.

[07:09]

I think I can see that commitment manifested in some of the ways that my life has unfolded. But to me, the process that really aligns with Zen, the part of that is the idea of letting go of one set of ideas so that another reality can be revealed. It doesn't have to be in technicolor. It can be in black and white, too. But it's fresh. It's new. It's not what you were thinking was possible. So, as you can see, this is a teaching film for me. Wizard of Oz. But this time when I was watching, another teaching came to me from that film. And that teaching was, you always have the power to go home. So I'm gonna combine

[08:18]

Warner Brothers with Zen Koan. There's a Zen story. It's called The World Honored One Points to the Ground. It goes like this. As the World Honored One was walking with the congregation, he pointed to the ground with his finger and he said, This spot is a good spot to build a sanctuary. Indra, emperor of the gods, who was part of the assembly, picked up a blade of grass and stuck it in the ground and said, the sanctuary is built. And the world honored one. smiled, which I can see some of you doing right now, actually.

[09:22]

So maybe you know how he felt. His good student, Indra, responded to the request to build a sanctuary right here, because there's no better place than right here. And what did he build it with? What was at hand? What was right there? Something seemingly insubstantial, but enough to make the Buddha smile. The introduction to that story says, as soon as a single mote of dust arises, the whole earth is contained therein. Who is this person who can be master in any place, and meet the source in everything. The whole earth in that blade of grass.

[10:32]

How many of you did not spend Thanksgiving at home? Raise your hands. Okay, so by me asking you that question, you just generated a picture of the feeling or the idea of home and that you weren't there. So that discrepancy was part of my gray, heavy feeling. Home, me not being there. What were the qualities of that idea that you just had? They were probably things like your sister teasing you. The smell of turkey in the oven. Your dad drinking too much wine and becoming belligerent.

[11:44]

Your nephew, who was a baby the last time you saw him. The foster home where you were one of many unconnected children? The nursing home where you have visited your mother the past three years? What do all of those pictures or ideas, what do they have in common? They're not permanent. In fact, if you had gone home this Thanksgiving, none of those qualities, none of those people or places or events would be exactly as you remembered them. We want our familial home to be a permanent reference point, but it never is.

[12:47]

We want home to always be there. But that home, that home that you just pictured, it can never be. I would like to propose to you, however, that there is a home that can always be there. Because the idea of home is not home. But that experience of being home, the experience that Dennis mentioned to me upstairs, it's always available. And I propose also that we can discover it through Zazen, through Zen meditation.

[13:53]

There are many doors that open into this home. But because we don't believe that we are already home, we need to strengthen our ability to be still enough to see what's in front of us. What's right at our feet. Or in Dorothy's case, what's right on her feet. Dorothy goes with her friends to the wizard, and he says, in order for them to have their wishes come true, and Dorothy's, of course, is to go home, they need to bring the broomstick of the wicked witch. So she and her friends, and Toto, dogs are important,

[15:02]

take their very ordinary selves on a hero's journey. I am looking around and I'm knowing that some percentage of the people in this room and also others who aren't here are about ready to embark on a seven-day hero's journey called Rohatsu Sashin. It happens at this time every year. turning inward for seven days as the light maybe starts to do its turning, turning back towards the light. This is the deepest, longest, darkest time. It also ends up at the day of Buddha's enlightenment, the celebration of Buddha's enlightenment. So those of you who are about to take this journey, please have courage. Please have a warm, loving heart for yourself and for others.

[16:07]

And please be wise about what you're really up to. So I just actually said all the things I was going to say in two paragraphs. So I'm in trouble. We do really need the three things that the lion, the tin man, and the scarecrow were looking for. We really do need a heart. It actually starts with kindness. Some people start with courage. That's a doorway, too. But pretty soon, that courage is not enough. Because it's hard. It's hard to turn towards what is. We spend so much of our time in the realm of ideas, in the realm of wanting things to be a different way than they actually are.

[17:17]

Wanting home to always be the home that you imagine. For better or worse, some people really like to hold on to the home they hated. Right? Because it's familiar. It's familiar. those difficult times, those difficult relatives, those burnt dinner rolls. That was my mother's specialty. In fact, we expected her to do that. If she didn't, we were really disappointed. So we need that heart of kindness to ourselves in order to support the courage to keep turning back, keep turning back. And what's the wisdom? What's the mind that we're studying?

[18:19]

And what's the mind that we're studying the mind with? It's very deconstructed. That was a very deconstructed sentence. It's really hard to talk about the... wisdom aspect of Zazen. It's really difficult to talk about because you enter the realm of words and words aren't it. It's not words. But the path is strewn with words. So we have to maneuver with the words, around the words to find out what the words are really holding. So it may seem counterintuitive to look for the satisfaction of the experience of being home in this kind of battlefield of our chaotic mind that's filled with words that we think represent solid, permanent things.

[19:34]

When Dorothy... and her gang go to get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. They're met by flying monkeys. Those of you who have sat Zazen more than once have met those monkeys. It's not just monkey mind, which sounds kind of cute, right? Sit with that mind for days and days and days, and they turn into rather fierce monkeys. rather insistent monkeys, kind of scary monkeys that you're not quite sure how to get away from, how to meet. And in that same chaos of sitting still are all your doubts and fears. The cowardly lion turns away several times from the battle. What turns him back? What turns him back?

[20:38]

is to help Dorothy. What turns us back is that we're not just doing this for ourselves. At the beginning I said I've been fortunate enough to be exposed to Zen teachings and to this opportunity to make a vow, the bodhisattva vow, which is the basis of courage. When we are concerned about the needs of others, the welfare of others, the happiness of others, there's no room for self-protection in it. The self has been placed somewhere, maybe nowhere, for lucky. And the focus is on how can this moment provide that blade of grass, that appropriate response to the needs of others. That's courage.

[21:41]

That's courage. And it's easy when the self isn't being protected. And it's just action. Nothing special. So I'm not a wizard. But I ask you to consider bringing me or your teacher or your partner the broom of the wicked witch. What can you do to secure this emblem of greed and hate and delusion? How do you bring someone the broom? You melt the greed, hate, and delusion with your tears. You confess

[22:48]

and repent, and ask for help, and then you liquidate it with your goodness. What a world, what a world. I'm melting, I'm melting. Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful Wiccan? Who would have thought that all it took was coming home to the goodness that's already there in you. It's nothing you have to create. It's moving selfishness out of the way. It's moving that that grasping

[23:49]

for permanence, out of the way. It's asking the question, what is home? There's another lovely little teaching When they come back with the room, they've liquidated greed, hate, and delusion. And the wizard gives the Tin Man his heart, which, of course, he's had all along, right? He says, first of all, he says, you don't know how lucky you are because hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. I disagree with that.

[24:53]

My heart breaks all the time. We have an abbot who is dying. He's dying with such generosity. because he's sharing his dying with the community, showing up, showing up on Skype. We get to see this acceptance. And every time I see it, I have this heartbreaking experience that's both the kind of tendency to want to hold him here, being broken, And the amazing beauty of this moment, the appreciation of this moment with him.

[26:02]

So my heart gets broken several times a week these days. And I recommend it, actually. I recommend heartbreak. part of what the wizard says to the Tin Man that I do agree with is he says the heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others. By vowing to do good deeds the men is called a good deed doer. To live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. This is the foundation of stable zazen.

[27:05]

How can you sit there for yourself alone? I don't think it's quite possible. We make it just hard enough that you can't do that. Just hard enough. Looking for the experience of home in some other location other than right here and some other time other than right now creates endless yearning. That aspect of that gray feeling in my heart, yearning for something that isn't here. So how does Dorothy end up getting to go home? I don't know if you remember the scene, but the wizard just got her in the basket and then Toto,

[28:20]

sees a cat and runs out of the basket. And then Dorothy, to save Toto, to respond to the needs of her sweet friend, gets left behind. The balloon goes up with the wizard and he can't bring it back. So Glinda, the good witch, comes in in a bubble. anyone here who hasn't seen Wizard of Oz? Oh my goodness, Kim, I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I should have asked that. Okay, imagine. Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you out. We can have a conversation later. I'll tell you the whole story. But it's the hero's journey. Basically, it's the journey of someone who needs to find home, who needs to settle the self on the self, and there are various companions along the way, various support mechanisms.

[29:26]

So Glinda, the good witch, who comes in in this giant bubble, and she's all dressed in white, and has a wand, and a very high squeaky voice. It's kind of irritating. She says, you don't need to be helped any longer. You always had the power to go back to Kansas. You just needed to see it for yourself. And she asks Dorothy what she saw. She says, if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. How can we look for something? How can we find something if it isn't there? It's just... That whole longing, yearning, wanting, buying. It's such a setup. It's already here.

[30:31]

You have to unwrap the present. Present. In the present. You have to unwrap the present in the present. I'm going to get credit for that. So that... I mean, and I know this, maybe you know this too, that yearning for something that isn't here. Even when I first came to Zen Center, I was really sure that the experience of understanding and realization was somewhere other than right here. It was over there when I studied a little bit longer. My teacher had it, but I didn't. That tendency to put it out there, way out there, as a kind of a carrot so you can keep leaning forward, chasing something that keeps constantly, constantly away from you. That distance doesn't get halved.

[31:33]

Even if it seems to be, then like some new idea comes forth and, oh, well, you know, it couldn't be here. It couldn't be this. It couldn't be this. But it is this. Just this is it. So home is completely available and is constantly changing and is creative and free. and right in front of our nose. And there's no place like it. In fact, it's not a place. But I promise you, you can find it. I promise you, you can find it. Just sit still.

[32:38]

Introduce yourself to the flying monkeys. be completely yourself. I'm going to go back to the koan about the blade of grass and the sanctuary being in this good place. There's a poem at the end. And the first line of the poem says, the boundless spring on the hundred plants, picking up what comes to hand, he uses it knowingly. And I would say, it is no place other than here.

[33:45]

And to discover it, we need nothing other than than what is present. The next line says, the 16-foot tall golden body, a collection of virtuous qualities, casually leads him by the hand into the red dust. And I would say, We are inspired by the example of the one who sits still for us. And what he saw is not separate from the everyday. Able to be master in the dusts, from outside creation, a guest shows up.

[34:49]

Beyond our thinking, beyond our ideas of what makes a sanctuary, guests keep arriving. And we make them a cup of tea without worrying about where everyone will sit. The last stanza. Everywhere life is sufficient in its own way, no matter if one is clever or not. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. You don't need a wizard. You're already home. So that's the talk I prepared, kind of, with some straying here and there.

[36:05]

And in a little bit, after the lecture, I'll be in the back of the dining room if you want to bring anything up that came up for you. I'd be happy to talk with you about it. I wanted to just mention one other thing that's going to happen today. and that is that my colleague and friend, Jennifer Block, Reverend Jennifer Block, who's over there, is going to be available right after the announcements from the ENO to talk with anyone who might be interested in the next year's course of something we call contemplative care. and this will be the second year of its offering, and it's for developing a practice of non-dual compassion between caregiver and care receiver.

[37:08]

And that can be in a medical setting, it can be in a home setting, it can be with the person right next to you. But it's studying the paradigm that's been... established in the medical setting of how to treat people and studying that and making adjustments based on our Zen practice and Jennifer's many years of understanding what caregiving is. Jennifer was head of training at Zen Hospice Project for many years. So we're taking all that has been learned from the hospice practices of just being just sitting, just finding home with the person you're sitting next to, and extending that into the maybe somewhat more challenging aspect of aging and sickness, which are uncertain in terms of their ups and downs, and I would say take even more patience practice than being with death itself, with dying itself.

[38:18]

So if you're interested in talking about that and what that might be like in the coming year, Jennifer will be in here to talk with you about it. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[38:59]

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