. [...] Welcome, everyone. It's really good to see you, those of you who are here in the Buddha Hall. And I can't see those online, but welcome to you as well. Is there anyone here for the first time this time? Special welcome to you. My name is Tova Green.

[15:38]

I'm a resident priest here at City Center. It's quite wonderful to be sitting here in the Buddha Hall. It's the first time I've given a talk in the Buddha Hall for over a year because of the renovations that were happening last year. And it feels more intimate than having a talk in the zendo. I can really see everyone, and I hope you can see me as well. And I just appreciate the warmth and the beauty of this space. I want to thank the tanto, Timothy Wicks, for inviting me to give this talk. And the timing of this talk happens to, it was, we thought about it. It's the last talk I'll be giving before I move to Enso Village.

[16:42]

I'll be moving on the 10th of March, which is coming up quite soon. So I wanted to talk a little bit about what it's like to be in that kind of transition and why there. and also about a phrase that has become very interesting to me. There are different versions of the precepts that we use as guideposts for our lives in Zen Buddhism. And one of them There are three so-called pure precepts that are more broad than the specific ones about — that may be easier to understand, like not killing but cherishing life.

[17:45]

But this one is sometimes worded as to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. kind of fascinated I have been by what does it mean to be lived by all beings. So I'm going to weave that into my talk tonight and I invite you to think about what that means to you as well. And I find poetry very helpful. I think it goes along really well with Dharma teachings, so I will be weaving some poems into my talk tonight. I find it especially helpful at this time in our country and the world and in my life, times of transition and times when things are uncertain. Poetry is, for me, a refuge.

[18:48]

So I thought I would say a few words about the significance of moving to Enso Village. Enso Village is a Zen-inspired senior living community in Healdsburg, which is maybe an hour and 20 minutes when there's not too much traffic north. And it opened over a year ago. So it's a new community that's being formed there. And I'm actually very grateful. to have the opportunity to live there. The Zen Center has a very generous policy for those of us who are able to work here and live here for 20 years or more. When we reach the age of 70, we are promised room and board for the rest of our lives.

[19:54]

That's very unusual. I think San Francisco Zen Center is really a pioneer in creating that ability to take care of elders in that way. And I'm just, I started late in my life at Zen Center. I first came as a resident to City Center when I was 59, and I went to Tassajara for my first practice period when I was 60. And although I've been a resident for 25 years, I worked outside for some of that time doing hospice work. So I'm just approaching my 20th year the end of this week. And I'd say this transition is bringing up quite many, many thoughts about aging and knowing that those of us who do go to Enso Village, for us it will probably be our last home.

[21:14]

So thoughts about mortality are coming up for me. and some grief about leaving this community, which I really appreciate and enjoy and learn so much from. I learned from all of you residents and the wider community and many teachers. Everyone feels that everyone's my teacher. But I've had, and I've had some really wonderful guidance in my path. And I do want to thank my teacher, Agent Linda Cutts, who lives at Green Gulch Farm, who's been my teacher for, I think, 30 years. It's rare in my life to have someone who's a mentor for that long. So I'm going to turn

[22:20]

If you have any questions about that transition, I hope we'll have time for question and answer tonight. So when I think about that phrase, being lived for the benefit of all beings, being lived, it implies some letting go of control. And that's not easy for me. It may not be easy for some of you either. there was a time in my life when I thought I was in control of my decisions. And at one time, there was a very popular book, How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life. I don't know if anyone's heard of that book. I found it the only how-to book I really found very helpful. And it had an exercise. I think I was in my 40s when I I got that book. The exercise began with, if you knew you only had five years to live, what would you do?

[23:28]

What would be most important to you in that time? And I'd make a list. And then the next question, what if you only had three years? And the list got shorter. And then what if you had six months? Bringing it, you know, right up. What would you do? find most important to do. And then the idea was to, well, if you're not doing those things now, what are you waiting for? Because we never know when we're going to die. So I found that very helpful and I would probably do it once a year and sometimes with a friend so we could check in with each other on how we were doing with the things we said we really wanted to do. But I find now when I'm trying to make decisions, I don't always feel that I'm in control, that there are things that arise that kind of help me understand.

[24:28]

And sometimes there are images, sometimes it's more of a physical experience that gives me clues about what to do next. And I thought I would give an example of a choice that I found very difficult to make and was actually my teacher, Linda Ruth, who gave me some homework that helped me decide. So when I first came to San Francisco Zen Center as a resident, I was living in the East Bay. and working for the Buddhist Peace Fellowship. I was the associate director at that time. I loved my job. And I was able to do what we now call Dharma Bridge, where you can live here and practice here and go to work or go to school.

[25:34]

And after I was here for about a year, I was really curious about Tassajara, which is our, we call it our monastery, inland from Big Sur. And I thought I wanted to go for three months so I could just take a leave of absence from my job. But I spoke with my teacher and she suggested going for a year. She thought it would be, Tassajara has a three-month practice period in the fall and a three-month practice period in the winter. And summer is guest season, and students really take care of the guests. And she thought it would be good for me to have that experience. So I went. And during that first year, I became interested in ordaining as a priest. So I spoke with Linda Ruth about that, and she...

[26:36]

There's a process. She brought it to a group of abbots and former abbots. And I had to meet with each of them when I was in the city or, yeah, during breaks. And I was, they gave me permission to then start sewing this robe. It's called an okesa. And that was in... 2001, and I got permission. And then I was in Berkeley on 9-11, 2001, staying with a friend and about to take a plane to New York to see my parents. And, of course, that didn't happen because of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and all the flights were canceled. I should also say, when I spoke with my teacher about ordaining, her request was that I train at Zen Center for five years, and that meant living and working at either Tassajara or Green Gulch, where she still lives there.

[27:59]

So I was in Berkeley with my friend, and I decided, since I couldn't go to New York, that I would volunteer and see if the Buddhist Peace Fellowship needed any help with anything. And during that time, I really felt pulled the person who was the executive director had resigned, Alan Sanaki. He had been the director for about 10 years, and that position was open and I was really tempted to apply for it. I had already talked with Linda Ruth about that possibility and had accepted that that wasn't possible. If I wanted to ordain with her, I needed to be working, living and working at Zen Center. But I talked with a number of people who connected with the Buddhist Peace Fellowship and I decided to apply for the job. I went back to Tassajara.

[29:03]

I couldn't reach Linda Ruth. She was on the East Coast at that time. And then I called her to tell her that I had applied. And I thought she would be upset with me, but she kind of understood that it was such a pull for me. And what she did was she gave me homework, and the homework was to pay very close attention every time I did a gash o'bao. And one morning I was in the zendo and we were having a formal breakfast, or a yoke breakfast, and there's a serving crew and the server comes and, before receiving food, you bow to the server. And one morning I bowed to the server and I knew, I just knew, in my body I wanted to ordain. It wasn't rational, but I trusted it that moment.

[30:08]

And I called Linda Ruth. I actually withdrew my application from the BPF and went ahead with preparing for ordination and then the training, five years. And I got a card from Linda Ruth after I told her. She said it wouldn't be easy, but she supported me. She would support me wholeheartedly. And, you know, I have no regrets. I feel that the experience of living at Tassajara, I ended up staying for over four years and then going to Green Gulch, where my teacher was, to complete my training, that it has helped me meet the cries of the world in a more grounded way than I had been doing before. And I feel that that activist that was in me then is still part of me, it doesn't go away, but it's morphed.

[31:15]

So I feel that phrase, to be lived for the benefit of all beings, does mean listening to what's needed and not always, you know, thinking of putting myself first, but how can I respond? What is something I can offer? So there's more intuition in how I make choices or decisions now. So that phrase is also expressed living and being lived for the benefit of all beings in what we call the bodhisattva vow, a vow that we actually chant this every morning and we'll be chanting it at the end of my talk.

[32:21]

And the words we use here are beings are numberless. I vow to save them. That's the first part. And in other centers they use somewhat different words. Another expression is beings are numberless, I vow to awaken with them. And another one I've heard is creatures are numberless, I vow to free them. But all of those are expressions of caring about the well-being of all beings, and that includes the natural world, animals, trees, rivers, and awakening with others, and saving

[33:27]

One interpretation I've heard about saving all beings is to make the Dharma accessible to all beings. And literally it's impossible. These vows are impossible. You can't save all beings, but you can through how you connect with people make a difference in Maybe it's only the people closest to you, but that ripples out. So awakening with all beings is — I prefer that translation to saving all beings, but I think the essence is the same. And awakening with others — so bodhi is a word for awaken. And sattva is a being.

[34:30]

So this bodhisattva vow requires some developing qualities. There's some qualities that are expressions of that vow, including generosity, patience, ethical conduct, energy, sometimes called joyful energy, concentration and wisdom. Sometimes those are called the six energies. or six paramitas, and we can really study those and learn how to bring them into our lives on a more conscious level. So I think I'm going to reflect about, you know, as I grow older, I sometimes wonder how I became the person I am today.

[35:34]

And the only thing I'm really certain of is that I'm going to keep on changing, both physically and emotionally. And the poet Jane Hirshfield, she's a local poet, she lives in Marin, has written about this quality of reflecting on one's life as if looking at one's own life from the perspective of one's life. I'll give you an example. She has a poem called, When Your Life Looks Back on Your Life. I've been reading more of her poems recently, and I thought I'd share just part of that poem.

[36:38]

When your life looks back, as it will, at itself, at you, what will it say? So there's this idea, this life, my life is looking back at me. I've also, I think in preparation to going to Enso Village, have been remembering lots of things from earlier times in my life and understanding how they have shaped me in various ways. But she goes on to say, your life will carry you as it did always with 10 fingers and both palms, with horizontal ribs and upright spine. with its filling and emptying heart that wanted only your own heart emptying, filled in return. You gave it. What else could you do? And the poem ends with, mortal, your life will say, as if tasting something delicious, as if in envy, your immortal life will say this.

[37:53]

as it is leaving. So this idea that we have a mortal life, our life's in our body, but there's also more to life. And that immortal life might envy the life that we live, which is very sensual and full of learning and sometimes joy and sometimes sorrow. But I find that currently as a mortal, I am very engaged in life and living and in everyday activities like cooking and working and writing. And I'm really glad to still be a mortal. But I think moving to... And so Village brings up an awareness, heightened awareness, that the days and years I have left are very limited and so therefore precious, and I want to engage fully.

[39:14]

There's another poem of Jane Hirshfield's that is speaking to me. It's called, I Would Like, and it relates to what I've just said. I would like my living to inhabit me the way rain, sun, and their wanting inhabit a fig or apple. There's a sense that the rain and the sun need the fig or the apple as much as the fig or the apple needs the sun and the rain. It's reciprocal. And that poem ends with, I would like to add to my life while we are still living a little salt and butter, one more slice of the edible apple, a teaspoon of jam from the long simmering fig, to taste as if something tasted for the first time what we will have become then.

[40:23]

So this beginner's mind, we're tasting something as if for the first time. And I realize that one of the things that I'm finding difficult about this transition is that this community at San Francisco Zen Center has been here for a long time. We've benefited from all of the elders who have lived here. from Suzuki Roshi and his students and their students. We've been fortunate to have a beautiful building like this one that has been part of San Francisco Zen Center since 1969. was when it was bought in Tassajara since 1967. And all that history is in the Zendo. It's in the walls and the stairs and the lighting and the windows and the courtyard and in us.

[41:35]

And I realized going to Enzo Village, it's a very new community. It's only been there a year. And even though the people are older, they're all over 65 years, And one thing I love about this community is that we're different generations. But that community is newer, and so there's more of an opportunity to shape it and have it become a loving, caring community, which some people who are already there from Zen Center say it is. So I'm looking forward to being part of that. I'm just turning towards it. I've had a lot of resistance, but now I'm feeling... this could be a wonderful opportunity to engage with others who are also there because they want to be in community. So I thought I would end one of the practices my teacher invites.

[42:41]

some of her students to do at the end of the year, every year, is to write a death poem. It's a very ancient practice, I think might have started in China, especially for Zen monks to write a death poem before they die. But to write one every year at the end of the year is It's really an interesting practice, and it changes from year to year. But this is one I wrote, not this last year, but recently. Body, is it true we've been together 84 years? So that's my current age. You're still learning, as am I, to stand straight, open your chest, soften your face and jaw. You lose things and gain things. I do as well.

[43:43]

I open as you open, change as you change, till death do us part. So I would like to open the rest of the time. I think I have a little over 10 minutes to anyone who has comments or questions. So we can be in dialogue. If you have a question, raise your hand. I'll bring the microphone over. And if you're willing to say your name when you ask a question and make a comment, it would be great. Thank you for everything. I was talking in the afternoon with respect to my teacher, Victoria, and she was kind of tears when talking about you. One of the things I just wanted to ask you about what advice you will give for the people here, which is young and started new, and a little bit selfish, what advice you will give for the new priests, which have started in this row, this path, and what should we follow or be careful of?

[44:56]

Thank you very much for everything you've done. Thank you, Ben. What advice I would give? I think having an open, honest relationship with a teacher is very, very helpful. I think it's possible to learn from many teachers and also from sangha members. I would say it's very important to be open to hearing feedback from so that you're open to learning about how you interact with others and to really think that anyone and everyone can be your teacher.

[46:06]

So those would be a few things. I think it's more... For me, it's not necessary. I guess study is important, but studying the self and practicing with the precepts and really making meaningful connections with peers. It's so important to have peers no matter at what level you are. I think for new students to connect with other new students as well as with people who've been here longer. So that might is something I would just say. Thank you. Thank you, Elva, for sharing your dead poem. I took your class, your dead poem class years ago, and I really enjoyed that really soon.

[47:10]

profound. So I really want to play a poem today. I'm going to miss you. I wondered if... Can everyone hear? I think you might have to hold the mic closer. And you're Delfina. I wonder, will you be giving Ghana talks at... Is that part of the community? I don't know if I will be giving Dharma Talks at Enzo Village. I'm not sure they have Dharma Talks. They do have a Wednesday evening event. Sometimes it's a Dharma Talk. I might be teaching there. I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know that I'll be coming back here from time to time. So if I'm invited, I would come back. It's not that far away. And I'm still very connected to the Sangha, so I'm sure I'll be back.

[48:21]

Good. Well, thank you for everything you've given, and I wish you well. Thank you. Thank you for talking about the part about being lived for the benefit of all beings. I am a little struggling with that because and maybe I have actually struggled with some of these precepts because they're so broad and feel unattainable sometimes when we're like I'm going to live a life that is committed to everyone awakening at the same time.

[49:26]

In trying to kind of explore like what's that calling, like what's the cry of the world that I can respond to, I'm wondering how do you draw the line between what is the true need of the world versus like the the things that in in my mind have become kind of like important like I think to take a simple example is like people there are people in our lives that we all care about like and those are relationships that sometimes deciding do I want to go to Tassahara and like leave all of these people behind or Do I want to make a decision that makes these people that are important to me happy, but maybe comes with a selfish desire a bit?

[50:32]

I don't know which one. I think what I'm trying to say is it's hard to assess sometimes. What are the parts that is my overlaying of desires onto the world versus what is the true cry of the world? So I'm wondering, do you have any... thoughts on how you listen to the intuition that you're talking about, that distinguishes between those? How to listen to the cries of the world. And I think, you know, sometimes we think we have to choose, but it's often both and. And is there a way if you wanted to go to Tassajara that you could see that and perhaps your loved ones could see that as beneficial for them as well as you and I mean there is always I think it can be hard to leave people behind but are you really leaving them behind you know and if you come back you may be able to be with them in an entirely different way that

[51:46]

doesn't leave them out, or even from Tassajara to communicate with your loved ones. It's possible, it's not easy, but it's possible. But I think in thinking about awakening with all beings, it includes yourself, saving all beings, you're one of those beings. So it may be hard sometimes to know what's the right thing. I think you have to really trust your intuition and then communicate with your loved ones if that's something you decide to do. That's parser. Thank you. I think we might have time for one more question or comment. I have the last question.

[52:52]

If the tova that is sitting here in the Buddha Hall today could meet up with the tova that was 30 years old, what would you tell that tova? I would tell her, you're really going to be surprised. Good answer. You have no idea. What's ahead for you? Yeah. I mean, even the Tova who was 50 had no idea she would become a Zen priest and the practice would be at the heart of her life. She had no idea about that. So life is full of surprises. Yeah. Thanks for that question. So I think we're ready to close. That's all the time we have. Thank you, Tova. to every being and place with the true merit of the world's way.

[54:15]

Begins are endless. I vow to save them. Yet the nations are exhaustive old. Thank you. Thank you for coming.

[57:16]

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