Thank you for coming to the talk tonight. We have a favor to ask. If you have a smartphone with you, please turn it off or turn it to airplane mode just because it interferes with our Wi-Fi and our Zoom connection. So that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. and treating an imperfect dharma.

[18:43]

If this may ever be met with even a hundred thousand million of us, having it to see and listen to, to remember itself, I bow to face the truth of those words. Good evening to everyone here in the Zendo at City Center tonight. And good evening to everyone tuning in online presently or in the future. My name is Eli. I'm a resident priest here at City Center today. and also serve as the Director of Inclusion and Belonging for the Three Temples. Before starting, I want to thank my big brother in the Dharma, Tim, for inviting me to give this talk, as well as our teacher, Renzo Edsadasan, for always extending his warm hand of Zen to me and guiding me through an awful lot in the most recent.

[19:57]

So tonight, I'm going to talk about change. How original, right? But we all know that this is a truth in life, and we're taught in Zen, but sometimes it's more palpable than others. And Suzuki Roshi said, we should find perfect existence through imperfect existence. But this can be hard. So, first of all, I just want to acknowledge, as many speakers have in the past couple of weeks, Here at City Center, we're undergoing quite a temple renovation to this beautiful Julia Morgan building. Right now, the Zendo is the only part of the building we can access. The other 90% is closed off. And at some point, we will close the Zendo and have to relocate from here as well. And while we know with almost complete certainty that when things come back together in 2020,

[20:59]

that this will still be a Zen center. Can't always be sure. You never know if we'll start selling gadgets or something. But things will look different from the way that people come through a new welcome center to how people feel when they exit new bathrooms and, of course, the experience of sitting in this Zendo. And I think pictures will probably go out. Choke has been taking a lot of pictures in Sangha News, but it's very... Fascinating in the middle of the day to peer through any one of our windows and see that you just see studs. And rooms that were once separate are just kind of joined. I paused outside of the bookstore the other day and peeked in and just could see that there was a big hole and that stuff, debris was just falling down, falling down. And so... In addition to that, I think most of us have heard that Zen Center's founding generation is retiring and going to a retirement community up north near Hillsburg called Enzo Village.

[22:06]

So again, we know that everything is ever-changing, but there are times where these changes are more apparent and significant. So yes, there's still a Zen Center, but what does it mean when we don't have our physical space? Or what does it mean when we've lost... such a big part of our teaching nucleus. In a sense, you could kind of say it's an identity crisis. Who is Zen-centered now? What's here? What's in the future? And regards to Zen-centered, we have had a lot of planning go into this by many intentional individuals, and we have this chapter to walk through together. So for the most part, this change brings up curiosity and wonder. But what about when these major changes are on a personal level? So for most of us, it can be pretty scary when major change happens and you feel like maybe you can't access 90% of yourself or your institutional memory feels disconnected.

[23:08]

You may look inside yourself and see a bunch of falling debris into your bookstore. And it can trigger questions that are hard to engage with, like, who am I? what to do, what's next. And it can be very hard to feel present. It can be hard to make decisions. And for many of us, it can be hard to be with the inner chatter that accompanies these circumstances, which is not usually nice. So that's what I wanted to talk about tonight, how Zen practice, particularly the precepts, have supported me in navigating personal change, particularly in regards to finding a sense of self, grappling with a sense of or trying to find a sense of sanity, working with the inner critic as well as making choices. And really quickly for those of you who may not be familiar with the precepts, the 16 Bodhisattva precepts basically are a set of ethical or vows or ethical conduct that Zen practitioners engage in over a lifetime.

[24:16]

Norman Fisher says that they're inexhaustible mindfulness practices. And I think this is a good time to plug the practice period that we're in the middle of. You can find out about more online, join and access past material. And I do encourage you to do that because I won't be... diving deep into the precepts tonight, and there's tons of great talks. Mary Stairs had one last week, our Abbot Mako, about a week and a half before that. So I encourage you to practice with the precepts along with the forms. They'll accompany and help prepare you for any major change, which I'm currently kind of a case study for. So recently my... partner of the last 24 years, married for 18, decided that she wanted a separation. And I'm not going to go into big detail, but perhaps to give minor context for the curious mind, there wasn't like a major event.

[25:23]

We're both very amicable, I cannot say that word for the life of me, about the situation. Most importantly, our daughter Maya is doing well with the transition. But after growing up, I think through our teenage years, we had not figured a way to evolve our relationship to see the people we are today. And perhaps that caused a lot of bickering. And I know that the process of reestablishing oneself after a relationship is common. For me, in particular, sharing every aspect of my life, my path, decision-making processes, whether they were big or small, with someone else since I was 17 has left me with some pretty big questions about my identity, having a sense of who I am outside of relationship or the role of partnership. So at times, currently, I do feel like I'm working with 10% trying to reorient to a new version of self and how to hold a history of memories.

[26:34]

So bear with me. But we're all meeting change like this all the time in some level. And this could be after the death of a loved one, loss of a job. I think we all experienced kind of this big jarring of change during COVID. And for me right now, I'm in the middle of the loss of a relationship and a best friend. So some of the questions that I wanted to look at is, who am I? And that's a question that we ask a lot, I think all of us. I'm just going to be presumptuous there. On a personal level, however, more so on the level of identity in a very dualistic sense. And in Zen, this is a central question, but more in an absolute sense. This inquiry of who am I? What's my true nature? Or perhaps more philosophical overtones. What's the essence of my being? Who am I in relation to others? You can pick.

[27:34]

So, for me, instead of going into those caves and valleys of inquiry, I like to turn to one of my teacher and I's favorite koans, I guess you'd call it a koan, that Suzuki Roshi speaks to, our founder Suzuki Roshi speaks to in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, and how to polish a tile. The koan goes, Well, wait, I'm going into it a little too hard there, Eli. Ziquan was a Zen master who always used to address himself. Ziquan, he would call, and then he would answer. Yes? Ziquan? Yes? And of course, he was living alone in his small Zendo, and of course, he knew who he was. But sometimes he lost himself, and whenever he lost himself, he would address himself. Ziquan? Yes? Yes? So I've taken up that practice. And anyone who's lived around me, practiced around me, been around me for some years, know that I have a tendency to do a lot of self-talk out loud, though.

[28:42]

So this is a very familiar practice to me. I consider my out loud self-talk commentary, kind of play-by-play action. But anyways, I find myself more and more these days. Eli? Yes? Awareness? And just to give you more context, if you want to do more studying, the full koan is in the Mumu Kahn, Gateless Gate 12, and is a little more thorough than the description that I gave. And there's lots of layers there to unpack, so I suggest that you check that out. But I like simple Zen. So at any time, instead of asking myself, who am I? It's more important to ask, am I an awareness person? So whoever Eli is, I'm trying to embody the awakened version of that form. I think really the invitation is how can I let go of the small I and drop into the larger awareness of the big I?

[29:50]

And I also want to say that some people that might not resonate with are kind of like yelling at yourself. So really make your own jargon up for that that's not too jarring. I kind of look at it as like creating a phrase that acts like a mindfulness bell. Okay, so we got through awareness. And I think past that it's helpful to gather one's senses. So part of this reconnecting or calibrating that we may go through with major change can just be around trying to grasp a steady state of mind, like, what's going on? Am I sane? And things often don't make sense. The world has gone askew, and of course things are not fair. In the case of myself, this really came up in regards of examining boundaries and trying to act skillfully when I'm in pain or feeling hurt. Am I even thinking clearly?

[30:52]

And when this happens, especially in a relationship, it's hard not to fall into a trap of othering, overthinking, blaming, self-doubt. The list goes on. And if you're like me, it's hard to then contain those energies to just that situation without going around and sprinkling a little on the interaction with Roger or whatever problems come up in my day. Roger, you're never a problem in my day, but you're close, so you got sprinkled. And then, of course, there's the wider world stuff that comes up, social justice, politics, war, excuse me, environmentalism, and so on. So during these times of change, at least I have to be very careful. I tend to be more protected in my perceptions of threats kind of go up. So precepts, again, which is what we're studying in this current practice period, can really help and support us and ground us in everyday activity.

[31:55]

Of course, they give us guidance upon studying them, kind of literally, if you... picked it up and read through the precepts. But what I found is after practicing with them and observing them over time, they start to inform me in the same way any other unconscious tendency does. And that's primarily in the body. You start to feel them. And it's not like Zen people have some sort of power. I really believe and know that we all have this inner wisdom of the body. It's just... that we've probably covered it up with our thinking and our karma. And practicing with the precepts will help us reconnect and enhance that innate ability. For me, precepts help me keep this beginner mind that our founder talks about by being able to breathe or take breath into any moment when that internal sense arises and just ask, what's here, right now?

[32:59]

Am I causing harm? Am I not being truthful? Am I disparaging someone? And for me, this isn't in the kind of spirit of policing. It's just seeing what's there, asking a question, and letting that inform me. You could look at precepts as a sort of alchemy. And when my mind is doing its thing, trying to control and figure out, there are precepts living in me and giving me the space for pause. to soften and perhaps find some breathing room. I notice the sensation of grasping or needing to control. Instead of getting into there with it through thought, I can just sense and be there with it. And usually, sometimes, not always, it dissipates. It softens and changes. All right, so we're moving through this. We've brought some attention to awareness and establishing a sense of sanity.

[34:08]

So I'll move to one of my favorites, that old inner voice. So dealing with the inner chatter or critic. And of course, this is very hard during challenging times. And it would be great if our inner chatter was accompanied by the precepts. However, that's not the case. One of the world's leading experts in consciousness, Ethan Cross, says that we spend about one-third to one-half of our waking experience not being present. In those days, I'm definitely way past that, but... we spend that time talking to ourselves, using our inner voice. And our inner voice is great. It's a way that we use language to silently reflect on life. We get to reflect, we get to plan, we get to simulate, and kind of supportively try to control ourselves. However, I need to get into my inner voice.

[35:14]

Eli, if you eat that pint of Ben and Jerry's, you're going to have to feel the effects in the morning. I'm eating it. And even worse, if I do eat that, or not worse, but when I do eat that Ben and Jerry's the next morning, Eli, you're comfortable in that bed, but get up. It's time for zazen. And if I'm lucky, the voice reminds me later, hey, Eli, go for a jog and get some exercise. So our inner voice gives context to our life. We turn inward moment by moment and to put meaning to, to create a story or a narrative to understand who we are. And while this inner voice can be supportive, inner chatter or the inner critic is the kind of voice that causes suffering. And again, of course, this increases as we go through major changes, stress or suffering. But they can also be present when any positive emotion is around. Inner chatter can take control.

[36:20]

And when inner chatter is present and we go inward to meet our problems, we typically do not get solutions. We typically end up ruminating, catastrophizing, or just cycling through negative thoughts. And our inner voice goes from this tool that's supposed to support us to being something that's really hard to be with. So even when our problem ends, we're just cycling through it again and again and again. So Cross says that one of the tools that we can use to harmonize with this inner critic is through ritual. And as humans, we like to control. And when our inner chatter is present, we often feel like it's in control of us. So rituals are a way of kind of creating a break in that pattern and giving a sense of, in a sense of non-control, we can actually flip it on its side and feel a little bit of a sense of control.

[37:25]

And this is, for me, why Zazen and forms have been so incredibly helpful. Just to really have in day-to-day life, so that I can meet this inner critic. Because when we're in the midst of activity, it's a little bit hard to touch into. But by settling into the body, there's a way that we can cut through that persistent chatter in a way that it doesn't transpire into our activity. And this is very common if you notice... I don't know if anybody here watches basketball, but before taking a free throw, players will often have a little routine that they do to settle before a shot or a batter before they go up to swing. And this is probably true in most areas of performance. People use ritual to ground themselves. So in one of our rituals, Zazen, we don't actually engage with this inner critic, but instead we're able to give it room to,

[38:34]

And we get to observe and bring breath to our body and let it run its course without this inner critic penetrating into our activity. When we sit over time, we become aware of some of these tendencies in ourselves. And in real time, we have the opportunity to notice how our system, how our body is meeting our current set of circumstances. So there's tons of things that I would love to... quote or wisdom that I would love to quote Toni Morrison on. But one, again, I like simple Zen. So she said, if you want to fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down. And our inner critic is part of that. So the last aspect, or not the last, but the last one I'll mention tonight that I'm working with, and I think most people do in change, is how to make choices. Decision-making. Writer Gish Jin talks about the difference in many Western cultures in comparison to Eastern cultures on how highly individualistic cultures vary from those that aren't.

[39:48]

And a lot of it has to do around choice. Studies have been done, and if you put someone from a highly individualistic culture in a blank room, and give them choices, they actually show signs of anxiety. And it's not true the other way around. And a lot of it is because, at least in the West, we tend to think that choice is a representation of who we are. We really think that, oh, I drink this drink. And it's kind of, I don't know, part of us where typically in non-individualistic cultures, people may feel like they choose without the need to overlay of identity. And it's interesting because Suzuki Roshi, or at least I've heard, I don't know if I read, probably heard, that when he would encounter all of his hippie students at that day and age, they're in what we would consider very freedom-based creative clothing.

[40:56]

And he said he actually could not see their true nature that way. They kind of all were the same, but when they embodied forms, when they put on robes, he could see their true nature come forth. And I think that that's very apparent and kind of highlights this dynamic between choice and freedom. Another way that this shows up... I'd say some people here have been on a retreat for maybe longer than a month, two, three, maybe years. But I know that the first time I went to Tassajara, settled in there, there's this place called the back door where you can kind of always get snacks. And I would go in there and there's just a beautiful bowl of peanut butter, put it on fruit and put it on everything. And I've gotten so fond of this peanut butter with no label that just is there. graciously offering itself to all of us. And then I left Tassajara and went into a supermarket and hit the condiment aisle.

[41:58]

Peanut butter from here to there. And it's just, it's kind of, it's crazy. Am I an organic type person? I like that label better. And so this whole avalanche of choice comes coming back in. But as we practice in the schedule, forms, and ritual, and most of all, precepts can create a container for liberation. And for me, in times of uncertainty, especially when there's difficult emotions present, choice or having to make decisions along with the inner voice can set me down a road that is thoroughly paved with suffering. So this is why Zen practice for me has been so supportive and transformational in how I meet choice. And I encourage you to find out as well, to start a practice, sit a retreat, experience this kind of letting go and giving to yourself. When we take time to sit, when we take the food that's offered, and I have to be real about it, we get a lot of good food here, so I don't know.

[43:07]

and giving up trying to control our mind, it actually gives us a taste of liberation to just be in the midst of infinite choice. In a way, we kind of give up this need for choice and grasping towards control, and we can experience our true nature, and that inner nature can be expressed through all our activity. So let's go back to the change we're currently going through here as a sangha in the city. this trying to understand who we are in the midst of change, a full-bodied renovation, and a loss of our institutional wisdom. So a couple of Saturdays ago, the answer became quite apparent to me as we took our show on the road and had a full-day sit down the street here on page at the Unity Church. And what I observed...

[44:08]

were bodhisattvas practicing an awareness, practicing and embodying the precepts. And it was inspiring. I felt truly supported by all Buddhas and ancestors. I had Brent and Denise so graciously welcoming people. I saw Choku and Ellen doing all that Choku and Ellen do. I saw the abbot giving a wonderful Dharma talk. Jacob. can play the Dohan Bell and the Makugyo at the same time. Roger, your setup was beautiful. Dan, thank you for making all of this accessible to so many people. And even walking up and down the Page Street during break, passing Tabriz and giving a bow in the middle of San Francisco. Tim supporting Kevin while Kevin supported himself. taking care of yourself.

[45:10]

So despite this being our first Saturday in a new place with a new routine, funky components, I don't know, some of you weren't there, but the way that it was set up, it was kind of auditorium style. Some of the seats on the floor were a little slanted, so I was kind of doing one of these during the beginning. There was an invisible rock band to the side. It was really a drum kit, keyboards, and mic stands. This is all great for a church, but for a Zen space, it's kind of intense. Funny thing, and I'm sorry, I digress. I'm almost done. The rock band was there. I don't listen to any kind of metal or rock or anything, but for some reason, what started playing in my head was the Heart Sutra, Is it death metal? Kind of like the super intense. And can you imagine the drums? And it turns out that such a thing does exist. It's in just Japanese. I think that we should open a new forum and for service, perhaps, we could do it in English.

[46:15]

Dan, I know you could hit the drums. Okay. Sorry, I digress. Got pretty far without doing that. That's why I need the forum of a talk because otherwise we would go off the rail. We were practicing. We were sangha. We were practicing in awareness through zazen forms and the precepts. And that's what Zen Center is. Perfect sangha jewel. And we could use some diversity. So to the other portion of that koan, how to figure out who I am. I think it's exactly the same as the sangha body did. The answer is practice in awareness. Sit zazen. Practice with the precepts. These are the gate to Dogen's instructions. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things. From this place, awareness, all things come forth and manifest themselves. So, who am I?

[47:17]

I don't know. A vow to live in precepts. Awareness. Maya's papa. Oh, my inner voice, my inner chatter is telling me these are all good choices. Yet, it's time to do the chant because Zen starts at 5.40 tomorrow morning. Do I get down from here? Are we doing questions? Okay, I guess we have time for a couple questions. If there are any. If you'd like to ask a question, please raise your hand. I'll bring the mic over. Don't everybody jump at once. Uh-oh. Hojo-san. So you're describing a very tender time of transition.

[48:22]

and you spoke about awareness, you spoke about the body, some other practices, the precepts, of course. How do you take care of the heart during times like this? Thank you for the question. How to take care of the heart. Well, a couple of aspects I didn't mention that are assisting us. It's not just straight Zen, but great friends, great teachers, Nature, running. I cry in the shower a lot. And I have a pretty, throughout the day, gratitude process, or practice. So I think those are the main ways. Therapy. Smiles. Play with Maya. That's, he's, wow, Eli. Yes, that's the one. And low bubbles. Thank you.

[49:25]

Anybody else? Go to bed. Last call. I just wanted to thank you so much for your talk. My wife filed for divorce January 2nd, and we've been married many, many, many years. It was not totally unexpected because we'd talk about possibly separating. And then she began this legal process. And my sense, and perhaps I shouldn't say this, but she's emotionally abusive. We've had trouble with my daughter not coming over because of the drama and all this other business. How do you approach, or how would you suggest approaching, a situation like this with compassion but at the same time protecting yourself because I feel a great need to protect myself in this situation because I'm very depressed and I have suicidal ideation and I have therapy and you know.

[50:45]

But I guess the first comment, wow, it blew me away when we started talking about this. But my question would be, how do you approach this with compassion, but at the same time, some sense of protection? What's your name? Brian, my name's Brian. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for bringing forth that vulnerability. Yeah, the question you're asking is so... freaking hard. I'm in the middle of what I'm in and I'm layering on those other aspects and I just have to be still first and just breathe. I'm not going to tell you to just go sit zazen or to go for yourself with precepts. You said you're talking to a therapist. And I've done zazen for many years. Yes. Such a difficult question that you raise.

[51:46]

And for me, again, it's staying connected to others if you can. And I'm hearing that you're having trouble even seeing your daughter. No, no, no. My daughter is very close. Oh, she's very close. Okay. She's not close with my wife because my wife has these emotional difficulties. And, you know, I mean, my daughter and son-in-law live five minutes away and they don't come over for holidays. But my daughter will talk with me and I'll spend time with my daughter and son-in-law. So my wife clearly has emotional issues, which I guess the reason is why I've stayed with her so many years, because I felt basically sorry for her. I had a horrible childhood. I've tried to encourage her to get into therapy, help herself, so on and so forth. But it's just not happening. But I still want to be compassionate towards her. But yet, as you go through legal divorce and someone is being aggressive, you obviously have to protect yourself at the same time. I want to be compassionate as well. I mean, I don't want to be cruel or mean or vengeful or, you know, that kind of thing.

[52:52]

Yeah, it's hard. I think that, and I don't know, kind of like bar your setting for yourself, but I think just coming closer to the actual situation that you're in as far as not trying to maybe even expect more from yourself and turn some of that compassion inward. you're going through one of the, from what I could imagine, the most difficult type of situation. Yeah, it's really horrible. So I don't have the best answer for you right now, but I'd love to stay in contact, maybe go grab a cup of coffee or something. I would love to. Because for me to just, sorry, we're kind of having a moment here. But that has helped me being around others that can relate to what I'm going through. So it's, you know, again, it's hard because I just, want to tell you to come close to that. And I believe that there will be a shift or, you know, a change over time. I guess it's kind of a colon, isn't it?

[53:53]

Absolutely. In a way, it's this, you know, how do you be compassionate but yet still maintain some sense of protection for yourself? But yeah, that would be wonderful. I'd love to talk with you. Maybe I could be helpful to you. I don't know. I'm definite that you could. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you. This is wonderful. Wonderful talk. Thank you. Very moving. Thank you for asking me probably one of the harder questions I'll ever receive up here. Can't just say emptiness to that one. Okay. Online folks, hello. Hello, can you hear me? I can hear you. Thank you so much. The question I have for you, and I'm sorry to keep everyone up, it's very difficult to not have self-deprecation, hate,

[55:06]

self-hate, worry, anxiety, and go throughout our day. How do we forgive ourselves ultimately? Like just give it a blanket, move on. Your talk talked a little bit up and down about that part, but like how do I, how do we, all just accept it. I think I heard most of your question. Yeah, you know, for a lot of what you're saying for me comes back to how we meet the inner voice or inner critic, at least most of that type of feedback around self.

[56:07]

the shame that I feel I need, you know, maybe to forgive. And it's very tempting, I think, to do it with our logic. And that's in part why I was trying to perhaps clumsily say that I at least try to tune into the senses in my body rather than the... kind of conceptual storytelling input. Just bring some awareness, bringing some space, some breath to that. And, you know, at some point, my maybe more rational mind will reintroduce itself. And it's not always perfect, but it's a little bit more softer, a little more accurate. And the suggestions, I guess, are the... what's next tend to cause less harm.

[57:09]

So I don't know if that answered your question, but right now my thoughts are not to engage too much with the head. I like to also use the precepts, all 16 of them, as kind of not commands, obviously, but just questions to see what's there. And... obviously we tend to think of precepts as kind of this outward thing, how we relate with the world, but it's also helpful, I think, to reflect on them internally. I hope that helps. That's all the time we have. May our intention extend to every being and place, with which you will be carried out without its way.

[58:20]

The kings are not with us, but I want to say that Interpretation is all right against us, the Lord. I have a vow to surrender. The Lord is all right against us, the [...] Lord is all right against us. everyone for coming because people can stay behind and help with those end up back together that's great we appreciate it thank you

[61:09]

Oh, I pull my hand out. Yeah. Make sure. Yes. It's a lot too hard to hold on muted and this, yeah, that the room and the computer are muted.

[61:58]

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