hundred thousand million dollars begin to see and listen to and to remember and accept i love to taste the truth of the good Good morning. Thank you very much everyone for coming here to Green Gulch, everyone who took the time to come all the way over here. I hope it wasn't sunny inland and deceived you to make the trip into the mist here.

[01:05]

And thanks as always to those online who take the time to come practice with us in this way. And so here at Green Gulch, we're in the fourth day of a three-day meditation retreat. I don't know what happened. I don't know if the Dohan forgot to hit the bell. Anyway, it's the fourth day of the three-day retreat. Actually, this seshin or retreat that we're in, in some temples, And I have a specific temple in mind, one of the temples I trained in in Japan. They did this thing where they would loop in. The first evening would count as day one. And then they would sit just the morning on the last day. And then they would call that the day. So they would do a seven-day sushin where you're only sitting five days.

[02:08]

And that always made me very irritated. Because that's not a seven-day sushin. That's a five-day sushin, plus you sat the night before and the morning after. So anyway, that's who I was when I was training in Japan. But maybe I've gone to the other extreme now and calling this objectively four-day sushin, a three-day sushin, sort of makes the other error. So sorry about, again, if anyone was misled to thinking they were coming for an actual three-day sushin and find themselves in day four here. Presumably, it will end at some point. But who knows? And who's counting? So that's what day four of Sishin is like. Who knows? And who's counting? So I had something in mind to share this morning.

[03:16]

And before I do, I want to acknowledge Let it's Mother's Day. And I wanted to offer a sincere bow to all mothers, past, present, and future. Thank you for joining me in that bow, whatever you're feeling about any particular mother, that deep respect for this archetype of intimacy, of loving care. This feeling of intimacy, of loving, warm-hearted care was so much the hallmark of our Zen Center founder, Suzuki Roshi's teaching of meditation, of zazen. He would say things like this all the time. For example, a mother will take care of her child even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your posture and your breathing, there is a warm feeling in it.

[04:19]

So we're not doing some breathing practice and doing some posture practice. We're taking care of the posture and the breathing without quite knowing how. What does it need? We don't know, but we're there caring, warm-hearted for the breath and the body. He says, so we put emphasis on warm heart, warm zazen. The warm feeling we have in our practice is, in other words, enlightenment or Buddha's mercy, Buddha's mind. It's not a matter of just counting your breath or following your breath. The point is, while inhaling and exhaling, to take care of the breath just as a mother watches her baby. If a baby cries, the mother is worried. That kind of close relationship, being one with your practice is the point so hopefully we've been practicing in that way and also welcoming into this warm heart warm open heart everything that arises everything included right here right now in this body in this awareness everything allowed everything included

[05:45]

welcomed with a warm heart. We're also, another way that Suzuki Roshi talks about this is in doing this practice, especially the practice of exhaling completely, really surrendering all of our attempts to get life, get a hold of life, do life by breathing in. He says, and we just exhale smoothly and completely and totally, not even trying to inhale, not trying to do or be at all, just surrendering. Complete, perfect calmness of mind is there, he says, at the end of that total exhalation. And then we receive an inhalation. From some power who knows.

[06:47]

Somehow. All we know is that wasn't me. I didn't make that inhalation happen. We receive this life. And he says you will feel like you are. Even though you're not. In your mother's lap anymore. When you practice in this way. You will feel as though you were in your mother's lap. Because you're being cared for. The breath is. Being given to you. And you can exhale smoothly in this way. So we're mothering our breath and body and we're in the lap being mothered of big mind, of Buddha. Or anyway, we're trying. That's our aspiration. And it's hard, just like mothering, from what I gather, is hard. So we honor this aspiration. this aspiration to welcome and care for each thing and acknowledge how hard that is to live up to.

[07:54]

And that humility just deepens our respect for mothers past, present, and future who have shared the same aspiration and made this great effort. So in this falsely advertised meditation retreat, we've been emphasizing the Zen forms. So the procedures, the rituals, the ways of moving and sitting in traditional Zen practice, formal Zen practice. And there's an interesting tension that I wanted to raise in that practice of caring for the forms. which is that we also emphasize in Zen this big mind and wide reality and this great freedom.

[08:58]

We talk about the full expression of our true self. Being one with everything, fully, freely being our true self, these big ideas and big feelings. And then we emphasize and seem to fret over the minutia of Zen forms. We talked at length about where the fingers should be when the palms are together, where the fingers should be. This is the sort of thing that occupies. You know, we have this committee here called the practice committee, which I think there's some awe sometimes. from those who are not on the practice committee. It's like this high council of elders who presumably are discussing this true nature of being and total freedom from all conditioned things.

[10:06]

But actually, hour after hour, week after week for decades, this committee, at least half of their agenda is, well, where should the thumb be? How open should the door be? Is the second candle the appropriate height? So this kind of tension in Zen may be a surprise that came, you might think, to do something really big. And these people seem very small-minded. Or as Kokyo was saying about the Buddha, that... You know, the Buddha just wanted to be completely chill, and we just want to be profoundly chill. And Zen, what could be more chill than Zen? And we come to the Zen Center, and many of the people who are here seem very uptight about what foot you use to walk in the Zen Do, and whether you're sitting in the right place at the right angle, and these sorts of things.

[11:19]

What does that have to do with this full expression of my true nature, of this total freedom from everything, of this becoming one with the whole thing? I wanted to say a little bit about that. Starting with these words from Suzuki Roshi, which I shared the other day in a talk for our retreat. that just as for sitting, when we stand in the zendo, we have some rules. The purpose of these rules is not to make everyone the same, but to allow each to express their own self most freely. And he says, he goes on to say, when you stand, your heels should be as far apart as the width of your own fist. Hold your left hand against your chest with fingers encircling your thumb and put your right hand over it.

[12:22]

So this is the sort of thing that, having been in Zen practice for a while, I just read right past now. But it's a very strange statement. He says, the purpose of these rules is to allow each to express their own self most freely. which doesn't make really much sense. How could there be rules, especially such petty rules, that would allow me to express my own self most fully and freely? Expressing myself fully is kind of the opposite of having a rule, right? Expressing myself fully is doing what I want and what I feel like and expressing my personality. So what does this mean? You follow these rules, specifically how you hold your hand when standing and where your feet are placed in order to fully express yourself most freely.

[13:29]

So maybe like many wise things, it would be very easy to dismiss this as just not really... not making so much sense, but I think that it's a Dharma gate. There is a way of understanding how this precision, especially this physical precision, could open some way to express our deep and true self more freely and fully than we could even by doing very self-expressive thing that's kind of the proposal in formal zen training at least so this self-expression i thought maybe it would be helpful to say a little bit about self which is a big concept in buddhism generally you maybe have heard for example that you don't have one and i don't know if that's been a relief to you or a bother or just not computing

[14:44]

So that no self-teaching, of course, is fundamental. It's essential to Buddhist teaching. It's not that we don't feel like someone. Buddhism isn't saying stop feeling like someone because we do feel like someone. Mostly we feel like we're someone. Again, maybe a little less on day four. But there's some gaps, you know, there's some gaps, but more or less, most of the time we feel like someone. And that, so we say, we hear this teaching of no self. Am I supposed to stop feeling like me? Am I supposed to stop feeling like someone? And that's not the meaning. No one is trying to take that away from you.

[15:48]

Please rest assured. The point of this teaching of no self is that this someone, this someone that we are, this someone that it feels like when we look at it, especially when we look at it in the stillness and the silence with energy and stability and fresh, Beginner's mind, curiosity. Kind of notice that this someone who we feel we are is not as singular a thing as we might think. And it's not as fixed over time as we might think. And it's not as separate from other things as we might think. So there's kind of some gaps or something kind of loose in this idea of self. So taking all of this into consideration, the Buddha said, you know, maybe this someone you are, this self that we are, would be better understood as not a self.

[16:59]

But it's the same thing. It's just, actually, this thing that's happening is maybe more like not a self than it is like a self. You're with me, self, yourselves. It's not lasting. It's not singular, but it's made up of parts. It doesn't last over time, but it's constantly, every moment, reconstituting itself. Breathing out, breathing in. And a million moments all the way through. Coming alive again. And it's not really separate from other things. Like the sounds and the light and stuff. in each other. So that, in a nutshell, is the teaching of no self, and maybe that's what we usually think of when we think about what does Buddhism understand as the self. But there's this other way, confusingly, and maybe we should just use a different word, but in Mahayana Buddhism and in Zen, we also talk about a true self.

[18:14]

which is different than maybe. Anyway, there's books about whether it's different or the same. I don't know. You could read them. Many people argue about whether the true self is the same as the no self were. Anyway, it's a different feeling, a different teaching, a different Dharma gate to say true self. the true nature or Buddha nature, who you right now really are, who I right now really am, that true nature, true self. I'm having the feeling that what I would like to convey now is completely impossible to convey.

[19:29]

I spent the morning thinking a little bit, feeling into this talk and thinking what I'm about to say is either so subtle that it's not worth saying or so obvious that it's not worth saying. So anyway, I thought, so no, either way, not really worth saying. And then the bell rang. And it's time to give the talk, so here it is. You can decide whether this is just so subtle it makes no sense or just so obvious that, like, really? You have a whole religion about this? This is the most obvious thing in the whole world. So this feeling for me, this kind of translation that I do when I hear true self is life itself. Life itself. So I just want to... that or propose that. What is life itself? So my true self is the part of myself or the aspect of myself that's just life itself.

[20:35]

It's life itself. But life itself is not like a part of me. I'm completely life itself. There's nothing other than life itself. And yet there's like a way of looking where I see this person who I think is me and who I have all these ideas and feelings about. And then there's a way of looking where I see this being, this life as, oh, this is life itself. So I hope you know what I mean. I have several more pages trying to... But I think I won't bother. Or how about not? How about I do bother? Because I wear the robe and I put on the seat and so I'm supposed to bother. I have vowed to bother. But there is an image.

[21:40]

There's an image maybe that will cut through some of my words about it. Which is an image that creates. A Chinese Huayan Buddhist ancestor, Fatsang, used to explain true self and phenomena, or true self and then all the stuff that's happening, true self and regular self, to the Empress Wu, powerful Empress Wu, who was the ruler of China. This is 7th century China. Fatsang kind of got an in with Empress Wu, and was expressing the Dharma to her and to his followers. And he used this analogy of looking at a statue that she had in the palace, a golden figure of a lion. There's a golden lion statue. He saw the golden lion and he said, it's like that.

[22:42]

It's all like that. And so he wrote this piece and gave these talks to her about the golden lion and all of the ways he got very excited and said all of Buddhism can be expressed by understanding this golden lion. So he went on to do so, express, especially getting at this analogy between true self and phenomena or true self and phenomena. The stuff that's happening. Our life itself and the stuff that happens in life as like the gold and the lion. So here's a golden lion. Well, is it gold or is it a lion? Are you looking at gold or are you looking at a lion? And so you can play with this quite wonderfully. And he does. Of course, gold can only exist in some shape. So we may want to... And shapes have to be made out of something.

[23:53]

So there's no way to see the gold other than in some shape. I think is part of what's powerful for me about this teaching. You don't say, well, show me the gold. I've come to the gold and all I see is this lion. Of course, you don't. But I just want to see the true gold. I just want to see gold itself. I just want to see life itself. I just want to see pure, true life. But life itself only has a shape. The gold always has a shape, even if it's just a blob. That's not more pure somehow than the lion's shape. So life itself always takes the form of something. There's no other place it is. Gold is not somewhere other than being in some shape. Life itself, our true self, is not somewhere other than right. in the forms that it takes in this sight and this sound and this sensation and this person and this personality.

[24:55]

And it's expressed completely. I mean, the lion is fully, it's not holding anything back. It's fully expressing the gold. The gold is not like partially in the lion. It's fully expressed. couple things that he says about this one of the things he talks about is how you can use this analogy to understand the truth of the unborn nature which is sort of again like life itself life isn't born you know things are born but life itself is unborn and undying true self so he says let's use this golden lion to illustrate the truth of this unborn nature. It says, at the very moment when we see the lion come into existence, it is actually the gold that comes into existence. There is nothing apart from the gold.

[25:59]

Although the lion may come into and go out of existence, the substance of gold, in fact, never increases or decreases. This is called the truth of the unborn. I don't know if this image resonates for you as it does for me. I tend to be looking past things or thinking that something is blocking my view of the gold, my view of life itself, of true self, of true nature. And this is kind of why we sit Sashin in a way. I really want to see the true nature of all existence for some reason, because I feel that the wisdom and compassion generated in seeing the true nature of all existence is key to the liberation from suffering of myself and others.

[27:04]

So I want to see this true nature. And will everything just get out of the way for a second so that I can see what life itself is? without any shape. There's a wonderful exchange in one of the sutras where the student is talking about their obstacles, and it's Sashin, and we have so many obstacles. This is a student who's practicing realizing emptiness, which is, let's just say, another word for true self, true nature, life itself. And the student is frustrated. The thing is... I'm not seeing it. I'm blocked. If I can just, you know, if my shoulders just stop hurting or if that, you know, truck stops driving by or, you know, if my kid, for example, people stop interrupting me, then I'll be able to see life itself. And the teacher says, oh, so this is the phenomena that's obstructing you from seeing the true nature of all phenomena.

[28:14]

I really appreciate that line because that's my mind all the time. This phenomena, this thing that's arising is blocking me from seeing the true nature of all that. Get out of here. I'm looking for something very important, which is the true nature of all phenomena. This is just my shoulder really hurts and I'm tired and don't want to be here. That needs to get out of the way so that I can see life itself. And this teaching just turns a simple light onto that. Oh, that's... that's the thing that's blocking you from seeing how everything is okay. The beautiful, kind, grandmotherly affirmation of, oh, that's a problem. So sorry that that's in the way of your seeing the true nature. Because, of course, how could it? It's like saying, this lion, I am almost seeing the gold, but this lion is blocking me. And that's also what Fatsang says. He says, If we look at the lion, if we just see the lion as a lion, then there's only a lion and there's no gold.

[29:18]

This is called revealing the lion, but concealing the gold. There's another thing we can do. May be a little harder for some of us, but it's anyway equally partial, which is we can see the gold. If we look at the gold as the gold, there's only gold and no lion. It's like, it's all just Buddha. What do you mean it's time for zazen? What do you mean wash my bowl? It's just Buddha. So that's revealing the gold, but concealing the lion. Seeing life itself as though that wiped away difference. when life itself only arises in difference. So then there's this way called seeing the gold and seeing the lion at the same time.

[30:29]

The lion and the gold are simultaneously revealed. And that's our practice. We call that the harmony of difference and equality. The harmony of life itself and me, this little confused, achy person. Those things are not opposite each other. They're not competing with each other. None of them have to get out of the way for each other. They're in harmony. This is the golden lion, the harmony of the difference and equality. So this is what we're training in. we are concerned in Zen practice, the formal Zen training of what kind of practice could we do to help us see the gold, to help us see this brilliant, still, luminous, peaceful, connected, true nature of everything.

[31:33]

How could we train in seeing that gold in all of these little and large disturbances and sufferings can we train in seeing the gold and then in seeing them both together and maybe some of us also need training in just seeing the lion so we offer that too in this temple if anyone needs a refresher on no really it's just a lion chill about the true nature wash your bowls we also take care of that side but the real heart of it is to see the gold and the lion at once so what's our training in that so suzuki roshi says Just as for sitting, when we stand in the zendo, we have some rules. The purpose of these rules is not to make everyone the same, but to allow each to express their own self most freely. When you stand, your heels should be as far apart as the width of your own fist. Hold your left hand against your chest with fingers encircling your thumb and put your right hand over it.

[32:40]

So to express, to see and express this true being, this true self, this true nature, we stand just so. So we obviously can't express our particular personality necessarily through a form like that. The self that's being invited into expression when we're standing just so can't be the self that is expressing itself by doing what it likes. It has to be some other deeper self that's expressing itself.

[33:45]

So this formal practice, this minutia, these rules, I think of as like pouring the gold into a mold. Of course, it doesn't matter really what shape the gold is in. It's just that we get distracted by the different shapes. So I think of the forms of like, it's like just the simplest possible shape. It's like, let's pour some gold bars. So that's what we're doing with our body. maybe in taking the Zen forms or including the form of sitting posture. Let's just pour some gold into a bar because I'm getting so confused by there's lions and some of the lions have like writers and then there's flowers and the whole thing and there's people. So let's just pour this gold into a bar, into a form that's very simple and not my own idea in order to dig, to find what is this to turn towards kind of quiet down that dance of things to try to see what it is itself to be alive.

[34:56]

So we do these forms of stillness and silence in a predetermined form. It's sort of like, if we take away all of the myriad ways that we express ourselves, what is our... Does that make sense how that could connect? I notice thinking of quieting our concern with all of the, you know, with like, well, is it a lion or is it a cat? That's very important, of course, to humans, lions and cats. Understandable that we make such a big deal about the distinction. But we then get confused. We get distracted and we are just seeing lions and cats and not the true, luminous, peaceful, connected nature of life itself, which is all anything is, I noticed I was thinking like, okay, I'm going to talk about life itself, so I better figure out what I know what I'm talking about.

[36:01]

So I took a minute to find life itself, which I thought would be helpful before talking about it. And I noticed just like now, I closed my eyes. Like, okay, I'm going to find just what is pure life? What is life itself? What is it just to be? And I close my eyes. It's so interesting. That's like, it's very intuitive that we want to quiet down the forms in order to touch the life itself. to the kitchen crew or spinning gold. So it makes sense, you know, that I close my eyes to touch my life itself. But also, how crazy is that? It's sort of like, get this lion out of here.

[37:03]

I want to see the gold. Life itself is everything that's arising. So, To close my eyes to see it better is very confusing, is actually misleading, which is why in sotos and practice we insist on meditating with the eyes open. One of the most important points for us, sit with your eyes open. This is so important. You say, but if my eyes are open, I can't just touch life itself because I'm just seeing stuff. So I'm just trying to see life itself, but I open my eyes and all there is is stuff. Yes, that is life itself. All of that stuff is life itself. That's like, take away the lion so I can see the gold. You take away the lion, there's no gold to see. This was relating for me to this line from Suzuki Roshi where he says, oh, I think kindly, but maybe sternly, it seems to me that you are more concerned with your problem than

[38:09]

than with the fact that you are alive, which I find a beautiful expression. I am totally, that totally is true. I am like 99% concerned with my problem and I'm 1% on a good day concerned with like, by the way, this is like kind of wild that I'm alive, that there's something. Isn't that kind of like the, biggest deal in terms of like things that are happening today? The fact that there's anything? But like, ah, but they, you know, they put the the rice was, you know, the cereal was watery. So are we more concerned with our problem than with the fact that we're alive? That's like, are we more concerned with the lion than the gold?

[39:12]

Are we letting the lion distract us from seeing the gold? So in our formal practice, we just take a form to quiet down our concern about the shape and to touch the gold itself and hopefully to see that the gold and the shape, the true nature, and this particular way that it is right now, are exactly the same. They're not exactly the same, but they're right there together. They're never separate. Maybe I'll close just with a little experiment in freely and fully expressing ourself. So since I mentioned Suzuki Roshi's teaching, that he has this way for us to fully and freely express ourself. I thought maybe we could try it if you'll indulge me. Even though this is a form for standing, we can do it while sitting. He says, hold your left hand against your chest with the fingers encircling your thumb.

[40:17]

And then put your right hand over it. So the fingers of the right hand together, thumb inside the left fist, and holding this at our chest with the arms parallel to the ground. sitting upright with our hands fully in this posture. He says, this is the way for you to express yourself fully. So without saying anything or thinking anything or moving at all, can you express yourself fully through this form? your full expression of your true being as life itself in this form. Thank you for trying that.

[41:41]

I love this about Zen, these binds, you know, it's like often in the koans, in the exchanges, we hear this like, tell me about your true nature, but don't say anything and don't do anything. So this is like, take this exact position and don't move and don't speak, but now express your true nature. It's like all of our usual ways of fully expressing ourself are cut off. We don't have the tools that we usually do to express this self. So we have to dig into deep, that it's like pruning, pruning the plant way down so the roots have to go deep into our belly to find this true self that actually could be expressed in this form. True, full, complete self-expression in this stillness and silence. Imagine if we could fully and freely express ourselves, know that we are completely expressing the full depth of our being, the boundless depth of our own life, of our true self, without doing or saying anything.

[42:48]

Nothing would then, as we move through our life, taking care of all the things there are to take care of and fixing all the things that there are to fix, nothing would be hindering us from expressing our self. If we can express our self without moving or speaking and feel satisfied that our true self is fully expressed, then any of the limitations we find ourselves in, even as we work to surmount them, will actually not be a problem. This is what we're training in Zen, to be so connected with our true self that it's fully expressed before we do anything. So then whatever it's time to do, we can just do it as and with our full self. We usually think, I want to be free, I have to get past this limitation. But of course in Zen, our freedom is to be within the limitation, to fully express ourselves moment after moment in the limitation that is necessarily arising.

[43:56]

The limitation is the shape. To be free of a shape is to not be alive. For gold to be free of a shape is for there not to be gold. And still we want and try so hard to be free. Thank you so much for your kind attention today. Really appreciate your indulgence and stillness and sincere speaking for this thing that's so obvious and right in front of us and yet boundlessly deep. to know and abide in the boundless depth of our own life, moment after moment, and to see that everything and everyone is that same boundless depth. That's the path of compassion for everything and every being.

[45:01]

i think i will end here and as always if if anything good has come of making the trip and taking this time together we offer that dedicate the merit of that to others may our practice be of benefit to others and ourselves and i think Again, with apologies, I'll close without taking questions so that we can return for one more period of our several-day retreat. Though I think we'll close and then take a short break and come back, those of us in the Sashim, for the final period of true self-expression through the body of sitting Buddha. Thank you. May our indenture fully extend.

[46:24]

Where would you bear it on Earth's way? save them illusions are inexhaustible I vow to end them Dharma gates are boundless I vow to enter them Buddha's way is unsurpassable Beings are numberless. I vow to save them.

[47:27]

Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to be coming. Beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Illusions aren't exhaustible. But as we don't surpass them all,

[48:40]

you all so much for coming from outside today unfortunately because of our endless retreat we don't we're not serving tea today so usually for your information we have half an hour of meditation before the talks on sunday so that you can come to and we serve tea afterwards but today we don't and the bookstore is also closed today but thank you very much for coming and if everyone in this machine could please help to move the chairs out and restore the Zendo. And then we'll just have 10 minutes now. You can start doing Kinhin in here in Cloud Hall, use the bathroom, and then we start the next period at 11.22. Thank you.

[50:06]

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