you're all well. We're having a very nice day here up in Healdsburg. The fog has cleared and the sun's out and it's quite pleasant. The weather's really nice. So hope you all are having enjoying good weather where you are. So this morning the talk that I was looking at, the Suzuki Roshi talk, I realized that When I look at the talks in his book, then I'm oftentimes trying to find something kind of exciting that I can think about and then talk with you about. So this talk, although it's entitled Zen and Excitement, turned out to be a bit of a letdown. And that's because, although the title seemed to be promising, his message is somewhat otherwise. So Suzuki Roshi says that Zen is not some kind of excitement but concentrating on our everyday routine so this talk follows closely behind the talk from last week in which roshi was encouraging us to learn how to be awake by a willingness to do the same thing over and over and over again

[01:35]

So and then he talks about how in the same way that a baker learns how to make plain and delicious bread, by paying very close attention to each and every step that leads to a good result. And then once you get a good result, you and your friends eat the bread, so you can start that process all over again. Exciting, not very. So then he tells us that learning the craft of baking bread is a very good metaphor. for how we might discover the craft of an awakened life. Learning how that this human body comes to recognize itself as an awakened being. That process begins by closely studying, you know, what this human mind imagines itself to be, you know, what we imagine ourselves to be. So in order to make a close study of ourselves, he tells us that our spiritual practice should not be too idealistic.

[02:36]

Except for just the right amount of idealism that's necessary for making a good loaf of bread. Or making a Buddha. He says actual practice is repeating over and over again until you find out how to become bread. There is no secret in our way. just to practice Azen and put ourselves into the oven is our way. So this week he's talking about the pitfalls of excitement. Beginning with the story of himself at the age of 32, quite young, when he had to leave a Heiji monastery where he was training, and apparently quite happy, in order to take over his master's temple. That's really young for a monk to be in charge of a fairly large temple. So this task made him feel very busy, and he had to face the great many challenges that temple life brings. And having just been in a role similar to that at Green Gulch Farm, you really don't have much time for anything else but the busyness of what's going on there, and the daily life of the temple.

[03:45]

Not just your life, but everybody's life. So this experience of coming to meet those challenges were of some value, he says, but not compared with the value of having known a true calm and serene way of life in his early years at this famous Zen monastery, the one that Dogen founded, A.H.G. So then, as my therapist used to say to me in those first years of having left the monastery, He'd say, well, what's a girl to do? I think I was complaining a lot. What's a girl to do? What's a sincere practitioner to do when faced with the many challenges of life outside of a Zen monastery, which is pretty well organized. You don't have to take care of too much on your own. I remember when being at Tassajara, I hardly ever saw cash because you didn't need it. I didn't carry around a wallet or a purse or I didn't have a watch Certainly didn't have a cell phone. They weren't invented. I didn't have a calendar.

[04:46]

I just listened for the bells and the bells told me where I was supposed to be. You know, kind of nice, you know, if you haven't tried monastic practice, it really is a great relief of a great many things that otherwise we have to do for ourselves. So there we are again, you know, so what's a girl to do, you know? So fortunately for all of us, Suzuki Roshi did not run back to Eiji and abandoned the temple, the small temple life, but he did go to America and establish a temple for the benefit of, as we know, at this time, untold thousands of people who were looking for some relief from the suffering of everyday life. So the suffering that comes with repetition, boredom, acquisitiveness, failure, and success, all of which soon pass quietly away. which then, of course, makes room for the next round of things that come. So Roshi warns us that if we are not able to make room for the changes that take place in our lives, but instead we get caught by them, by trying to find some excitement in the middle of all that, in the midst of a busy life, then we become completely lost.

[06:02]

But if, on the other hand, we have trained ourselves to be calm and constant, we can keep away from the busyness of the world, even while We're in the middle of it. So Reb often mentioned, many of you know Reb Anderson, he's been my teacher for many years. He often mentions the image of a bodhisattva sitting calmly in the midst of flames of a rapidly transforming universe, you know, just as all of us are. We're always in the middle of a rapidly transforming universe, but many of us, for many of the times that we are, are not particularly calm. So that's probably the secret sauce, is calm and steady. constant. So in a sense, we're kind of staking a claim to the very center of what's swirling around us, you know, the center point. I was remembering when I was thinking about this image of the centering point, when I was a kid, there was a place called Playland at the Beach, I grew up in San Francisco, and my family would my parents would take us there every now and then to go to on the rides.

[07:05]

And one of the rides, and in the funhouse, was this giant wooden disc, kind of like a record on a record player. And so all the kids would climb up on the disc. It was a little bit, you know, came down a little bit to the sides. So we'd climb up on the disc and then it would start to spin. And it would go faster and faster and faster and faster until pretty much everybody flew off the disc, except for, as it turns out, whoever was sitting right in the middle. You know, like in the middle of a record player, you're right there at the pivot point. And if you learned how to get there, if you, you know, hurried up and got onto that spot, then you could take the ride and not be thrown off. So I was a little older than some of the kids, so I could manage to muscle my way to the center and then pretty much watch as all these little kids went screeching and flying off the disc, which was at that time was a great deal of fun. You know, I hadn't taken my bodhisattva vows as yet. So this is a you know this is kind of one of the things that we're trying to learn how to do psychologically is how to find our seat at the center of our awareness so that we can find a body how our body and our minds can both feel quiet and stable despite all that that's going on around us and you know sad to say

[08:27]

Many of the times we get on the disk, we simply go flying off the wheel and then get back on again in hopes at this time that we'll be able to stay. But over and over again, we just keep wishing for things to be different than they are. So this is our usual way and is illustrated in the Buddhist teaching by the wheel of birth and death. Again, another spinning wheel. which I was just studying recently with a group of people who have been looking at some of the early Buddhist teachings in the Pali Canon in particular the first sermon that we all looked at those of you who've been in this group for a while quite a number of years ago now the Buddhist first sermon called the first turning of the wheel in which he talks about the Four Noble Truths so I wanted to just pull that up again for a minute to look at the wheel since I'm talking about wheels There it is. This is kind of a nice one I just found online.

[09:29]

So here's the spinning wheel, the wheel of samsara. And as you may remember, this word samsara, which is the word for this wheel, means endless circling or endless spinning. And it represents this kind of an elaboration of the first and second noble truth. You know, because we're ignorant, We get on the wheel. That's what gets us on the wheel. We're ignorant that we're going to fly off. So we keep forgetting we're going to fly off again. So we get on the wheel. We bring all of our habits with us. We make the same kinds of mistakes over and over again. We get caught up in the image of a monkey swinging through the trees, trying to grab a hold of things and hoping we can hold on. know and acquire these things and keep them for ourselves but you know you can we keep moving we have to keep moving so we have to let go and we have to let go we have to let go and then we grab on again so this is kind of the familiar pattern endless circling endless endeavoring to find something to that we can hold on to that won't move away from us so that we won't leave right

[10:36]

so we might also just call this running around in circles you know kind of a common way of thinking about things i've just been running around in circles which is how the buddha explains we humans suffer first and second noble truth we suffer out of ignorance and out of a desire for things to be different than they are if only If only there was a little more, a little less fog, a little more sun, a little more spice in the soup, whatever. I mean, we talk that way all the time. Even here, in a very nice place, people are often commenting, if only, you know, if only I had a screen door, if only, and so on. So this is our human, this is our human way. So certainly wanting things to be more exciting is a very familiar kind of wanting that we can all relate to. And I'm finding a bit of that myself living here in the quiet of an aging population up in Healdsburg, California.

[11:44]

You know, it's like very peaceful here, you know. What else might be happening or what could we make happen? So Suzuki Roshi then kindly reminds us who have become attracted to Zen that it's best not to get too excited about that either. about practice. He actually says that sitting once a week will make you busy enough. I was a little surprised. I'd forgotten about that. He said, just sit once a week. That's enough. Don't try to add a full sitting schedule into what's already probably a very busy life. And he says, if you do that, your practice will make you worse. And that's ridiculous. So people often say to me that they haven't been practicing. It was really common for people to kind of like as a confession, you know, I haven't been practicing. And it took me a while to realize that what they were saying is they hadn't been sitting. You know, I haven't been sitting every day or every week or maybe even ever not sitting. Okay, what are you doing?

[12:47]

Whatever you're doing is your practice. It's your daily life practice. It's your life. you know, what you're doing. Sitting is just a kind of an easy way for us to pay attention to how our minds are reaching after those things, like the monkey in the tree. You kind of watch your mind reaching out for things when you sit still for a while. And you can see all the variety of things that come popping up into your consciousness. You know, when you don't move, you give yourself half an hour to just sit quietly. It's kind of astonishing. I've been really amazed, even here at Enso Village, my mind is producing the most amazing array of opportunities for me to do something else other than just sit there. So that I'm pretty familiar with that by now. But it's it's kind of amusing, you know, on and on and on this wheel just keeps turning, and offering us all kinds of fantasies of things we could be doing other than just this, right. So I think this

[13:49]

everyday practice is making up our life is really the focus of Suzuki Roshi's teaching you know and sitting is really just a good way for us to see what is and isn't working so well in our daily practice you know so if we're able to remember remember to continue having a calm and centering practice like that lucky kid sitting at the middle of the wheel then our character will build very gradually all on its own he's telling us Just allow yourself to be calm and centered. That's the most important thing. Of all the things you do, at the center of what you're doing, there's this kind of calmness, a kind of centering practice, coming back to that feeling of being upright. I like the feeling of when my spine is relatively straight and my head is kind of lifting upward. It's kind of a wonderful feeling of being balanced. against this force of gravity that's pushing down. I kind of feel like, okay, I can, I can take this. This is good. I'm used to it. You know, it's very familiar to stand up straight or sit up straight and feel the kind of balance and quiet of that, of finding that spot or finding your seat.

[15:00]

So Suzuki Roshi talks again about making bread. same way as we we learn how to sit we learn how to make good bread you first we gather together the right ingredients and that quiet space is nice a few friends to sit with is very nice we have a lovely little not so little we have a lovely zendo here and people do come and sit together and then so that's kind of like mixing all the ingredients together and then you wait and then you do a little kneading, you know, a little bit of working the dough, and then you wait some more, and then you knead some more, and then you wait some more, and then eventually you put the bread into the oven at just the right temperature, until finally that aroma is almost more than you can bear. In fact, one of the things I miss most about Green Gulch in the early days of coming here was that amazing smell of baking bread, which Sadly to say, Mick Zapko, who also lives here now, had left a couple of months ahead of me to come up here.

[16:03]

And so he was the one who was baking bread in the mornings at Green Gulch. And it was amazing to smell that bread as we were walking down to the Zendo in the morning. It was just a wonderful thing, wonderful thing. So Suzuki Roshi tells us that we know ourselves quite well already. We know ourselves quite well already, he says. We know our own pace, and we know our own inclinations. So I had once, years ago, picked up a book on a sidewalk, a little book stand on the sidewalk, and the title of the book was, How You Read This Book Is How You Do Everything. And so I thought, well, that's interesting. So I picked up the book, I looked at the table of contents, I looked at the back at the author, And then I glanced through the first few pages, I looked for some illustrations, and then I put the book back down again. And then I thought, boy, that author sure got this one right.

[17:04]

And that's how I pretty much do everything, you know, pick it up, take a look at it, look for some illustrations, and then put it back down. So and then yesterday, just to keep going on a bit of a personal note, I had a really big surprise because you know, how you do everything is sort of your habits, right? Those are your habits. So I'm somewhat familiar with my habits, my tendencies. So I was on a walk with two friends, my partner and another friend, Maya Wender, some of you know, also formerly from Greenwald. And I was very surprised that I still had inside of me a rather brisk walking stride that was hiding within my well-practiced monastic stroll. You know, I was used to being around the Zen center temples grounds for about 45 years. And most of the time, walking around Zen center temples, I walk rather slowly, you know, I'm not in a hurry, usually leaving plenty of time to get where I'm going, and I'm going where I'm able to walk.

[18:12]

So I walked down to the Zendo, I walked down to my house, I walked to the Zendo and I walked down to the garden and so on. So many years. a rather rather slow stroll slow walk so then yesterday i was getting tired on the way back we decided to walk to hillsburg which is a couple of miles and then we had lunch and we're going to walk back and i was feeling pretty tired and i thought huh you know i used to walk differently when i was young before i came to zen center and then i kind of remembered it i kind of remembered that body and how it used to move. And so I stretched out my legs and I started to move up ahead on the trail. And pretty soon I was walking really fast. I felt really good. And my partner says she was really amazed. She'd never seen me move like that before. And I thought, well, it's been a long time since I moved like that. But it made me very, very happy. And so now I can remember that I can walk fast, you know, that I have energy and enthusiasm for walking.

[19:16]

Somewhat long distance, you know, so these are things we forgot about ourselves that we maybe we do know ourselves But we've also possibly have forgotten what we know for a while We've let some of those things kind of slip into the back right the back of our minds Because I think there's a way to get too excited about being too old or too tired or too lazy and to lose our way to lose our own way So we should as a Buddha said know how much our our ox can carry so that she doesn't get overloaded and worn out, but also so that she stays fit and flexible. Either way, we shouldn't get too carried away. Recently, Karina and I decided that there's a little main pathway that runs through the apartment buildings here. I don't know, they're not exactly apartments, but where we live, at the center of Enso Village, we thought that we would call it the middle way, the middle way. As the Buddha said in his first sermon, the middle way avoids the extremes of too much or too little.

[20:22]

You know, too much of this over too little of this or too much of this or too much of me over too much of you and so on. All of those dualistic things that we carry around, like not good enough. A friend was telling me that there was a conversation this morning among some of the residents here who'd gone to this gathering. It was a conversation they were having in what's called Friendship Hall. And someone said of themselves, you know, I feel like I'm really not as good as the other people here. Not as smart or not as, you know, whatever, spiritually advanced or some other kind of frightening idea. And the person leading the group, Arlene, for those of you who know, said to the person, you know, well, that's just your koan. That's your koan, that idea you have about yourself. And then she asked everyone in the room, how many of you feel like you're not as good as other people here? And apparently everyone raised their hand. Right? So we're all in the same stew together. We've all forgotten our own way.

[21:23]

And we think someone else is better, perhaps. And it's hard for us to learn when we feel that way. We just get discouraged. So building our good character, as Roshi says at the end of this talk, is like building a good dam in a river. You take care of the banks so that they don't leak. And I imagine those banks are the habits that we've cultivated in our practice that allow us to be thoughtful and considerate of our speech and of our actions, to be considerate of others who are sharing this pathway with us. So many of the people here at Enso Village are already quite challenged by loss of memory and mobility. And many are tired much of the day and are missing the enthusiasm of their younger selves. But still, we can all smile. at each other and wave and encourage one another as we pass through this next and last phase of our human life. So this unexciting way of life that Roshi is talking about may sound negative, he says, but that's not so.

[22:31]

It is wise and effective way to work on ourselves. It's just that it's very plain. No frosting, no poppy seeds. just plain, plain bread. And he says that this point is very difficult for young people to understand, but maybe not for older people, however, like me and like my new friends here at Enso Village. So although what he's talking about may sound like some gradual practice aimed at some distant outcome, this way of practice is actually sudden, he says, because when our mind is calm and ordinary, Our everyday life is awakening itself. Every day when we remember who we truly are and why we are here, as the Zen saying goes, is a good day. And it can't get more sudden than that, right? So with those thoughts in mind or whatever other thoughts you're having of your own, I really enjoy having you bring up questions or comments.

[23:42]

Stories that maybe come up for you from your own experiences as living a spiritual life. Kokyo. Yes, I'm still dealing. Thank you very much for your talk. It resonated, to say the least. Thank you. I'm just dealing with the shock of finding myself homeless and trying to stay calm about it and know that I have to go through a certain number of steps move things along and the steps that I need to go through involve other people who have other things to do and deal with other people who are even more in crisis than I am because my crisis happened on May 2nd and there have been

[25:08]

Pisces synths, which supplant me. Oh, dear. So it's kind of like you have to wait your turn in line, just like for Dokusan. It doesn't matter how pressing it is. It's like not your turn yet. So mostly I just think about creating harmony for others, and I feel like that will be the best thing for me. You know, to keep my, to not feel like I'm being a downer to other people or just, you know, becoming impatient with other situations like waiting in line at the store. But it's really... It's really a challenge because I'm traumatized and I'm in shock and I become aware of all that in fits and starts.

[26:25]

So I start feeling very sort of not knowing how I'm going to get through this to feeling like, well, I'm going to get through it, and I just have to be patient and let all the wonderful things. People have reached out to me in a very wonderful way. And so when you lose everything, it kind of becomes everything that people care about what's happened to you. There's a gift in there, isn't there? Yes. Yeah. Maybe you wouldn't have known that. No, it's a really intensification of the feeling of sangha, you know, because it's not just this little group. It's like this whole group of people, some of which I don't even know, who kind of heard about my situation from other people who have reached out.

[27:30]

I'm so happy to hear that. Yeah. You have shelter. Yes, I have shelter. And my kitty and I were not harmed in the fire. Yay. And, you know, there are a lot of things that need to fall into place. But basically, we're in a very blessed place. I keep thinking about what it would be like if I were in Gaza, you know, with, you know, that kind of total devastation. Yeah. I mean, I have walls around me that are not falling down. I have food. I'm not starving. You know, it's a whole different kind of, you know, it's kind of,

[28:32]

like a controlled catastrophe. Well, I can't even imagine how you're able to smile, but I really like seeing you smiling. It's just a very good sign that you have found some kind of center, you know, kind of on the middle of that spinning wheel a little bit. Yeah. I feel like I am kind of in that place where everything is spinning off the redhead. Yeah. But I'm just kind of sitting there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you can, you know, thank your practice years for some of that healing. I really do. You've been doing this a long time. And, you know, this is part of the benefit is sometimes you need it. You know, it's not just like some nice little hobby, but I actually need it. Yes. Need it right now. And it seems like

[29:32]

That is being communicated inside of me. Like, sit, it's easy now. It's like, I know I need it. Yeah. And it's there. Yeah. And it's not at all, you know, if it was any kind of a thing of, well, I'd rather do that than this. That doesn't exist. Yeah. You know, so I'm fully feeling. encircled by my practice and also by, you know, I'm just kind of feeling like I'm being held by the universe. And I'm just trying to rest in that embrace. Good. Good. Well, we'll keep it coming. Yeah. Thank you. I'm glad you can stay in touch. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you very much for your talk.

[30:36]

Hello, Sangha. It's very nice to see you. Thanks for letting us hold you. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, Cynthia. Hello, Fu. It's wonderful to see you. Likewise. You know, I had really thought... That if you didn't live at Tassajara or a place where you were provided the structure, that I doubted that the practice could be applied in a world. And so your talk tonight, on all the talks, have really given me a lot of hope. that this is going to be doable. And I think the one... I'm going to have to go back and try to... What was the chapter that you read?

[31:43]

Because I had a hard time getting on and I ended up getting in late. So I don't remember the chapter you were reading from. This one? Yes. It's called Zen and Excitement. Oh, okay. Because I missed the very beginning. Anyway, but... It was not exciting. I get so much excitement that you can't believe. But so I think the first one you were talking about, if the sun, no, yes, even if the sun were to rise in the West, the Bodhisattva has one way. And that really was profound. It gave me permission to, well, it gave me direction that I don't have to, I can be, you know, it's not Dorothy's tornado.

[32:44]

And that you have less power if you're pulled out to those edges or less ability to be the bodhisattva, to be helpful to others. And then I think last time you said, you know, in difficult situations, think about go back to your posture. How simple. But it was very, it's very, very effective. And then today I'm taking notes. Of course, they're on like a variety of post-its. Why don't I get a journal? I'm going to get that from the next time. Make a note. I got like six of them sitting in there. It doesn't make any sense. But. Just this idea that we can train ourselves. You said we can train ourselves for the busyness of the world. And in doing so, and in finding our center, even if it's just once a week on a cushion, our character will develop. It's not something that we have to fret about.

[33:50]

No, no. But the doing will create What would you call it? Intimacy, a real intimacy with where you are, what you're doing. You know, we're not looking for an alternative universe or another way out. Or, I mean, some traditions you're trying to get out of here, right? I mean, that was the early Buddhism part of the, part of the wish was to get out of here. And, and then it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no out of here. There's no here. You're just in the center of your life. And your life is what's around you. You can't get out of here, you know, but you can be intimate with it. Yeah. You can see it. You can smell it. You can taste it. The bread baking and the sirens wailing and the, you know, the smell of smoke and the smell of whatever. We're very, we're alive. So all of these things that make us alive are what we want to be aware of and be connecting to.

[34:54]

And in the midst of that, like I think I said last time, you know, you don't want the firemen showing up to the house hysterical. Because as Bruce Lee said, we do not rise to the occasion, we fall to the level of our training. Yes. So training, I mean, sitting Zazen, like our dear friend Helene, she's been sitting Zazen for many years. So she's, she's coming up Her training is coming up to meet her right when she needs it, right? It's a perfect balance. So for all of us, sometimes we forget we need it. Oh, I really need that support. No, you do. You need it. And you'll need it at times even more than you need it now. And she's an inspiration. She is an inspiration. I hope she's hearing that. You're hearing that, Helene? Yes, I am. I'm very inspired. Thank you. I agree. Thank you. So I think I've been here, maybe this is one month of coming to the Sangha.

[36:03]

It's been very, very, very powerful. And I'm looking forward to... getting my journal, getting organized, because I keep hearing things. I got to write this down. Oh, this one. And, and because it's, because there's, there's maybe, maybe a window to look through, or I don't know what the metaphor is, but, but I, I'm feeling relief. And. And I know I can impact the world because of all the interactions I have, and I want to do it well for them and for me. Yeah. That's the buddy's path. No matter where the sun rises, you're on the path. Yeah. I know where I'm going. I'm going to help people. But you help them more.

[37:06]

If the world is the Lulu, then you're helping much more if your spine is straight. That's right. And if you're at the center, not on the exterior, hanging on for dear life, of the tornado or the fun... A fun house. Not so fun house. Find your center and you can really be of, of, of service and it starts with you. That's right. So that's kind of the opposite of competition or knocking the little kids off the wheel. It's really more like holding onto them. Let's take this ride together, guys. Everyone grab hands. I don't know if you remember that wonderful scene from, um, Toy Story 2 or 3, I don't know which one it was, but all the animals were on this conveyor belt and they were dumped off into the recycling fire. Remember that? And they're all sliding down into this furnace and they're looking at each other like, what do we do?

[38:10]

And then finally they just held hands. They all looked at each other with so much love. Of course, they got rescued by the little, you know, the claw. So it was... It was so sweet. That was the sweetest scene. We're not going to get out of this. I'm not going to get out of Enso Village alive. I know that. But while I'm here, I can hold hands with these lovely people and they with me because we all need that, right? And you with your kids. And it's... Anyway, this is giving me a lot. I'm going to have a Dokusan on this Friday, and so I have more to talk about with my teacher. I just have to check the time. Let's do that. It's at 2.30. Okay. But... more will be revealed but I just wanted to tell you that these are the things that are little and they're creating a big opening yeah wonderful thank you for that testimonial it really matters I think to everybody to hear that yeah just and then the notebook is going to really help me organize them and not lose them so

[39:35]

Thank you very much. Hello, Fu-sensei. Hello, Sangha. I have a little dog poking her nose out from underneath here. Aw, lucky you, lucky you. Very great thanks for this evening's lecture and a brief putting my vote in for studying the stories and the poems of the early women ancestors as you had mentioned that that's a possibility for our study at some point. I attended this morning's Dharma talk by Kathy Fisher at Green Gulch and I have been listening to her talks about the early Buddhist women ancestors on Every Day Zen Podcast.

[40:36]

And to the point of... She made a very good point at the end of today's lecture, which is that the future of Western Buddhism or the responsibility or perhaps the call to action for us practicing in the West is to learn to practice in the midst of life. You know, the way of monasticism is not... very easily accessible in American society and certainly doesn't have the cultural support that perhaps it does in other countries. And I think that the stories of the early women ancestors, because they weren't allowed to take the vows for so long, speak so like, I keep thinking like it's the earth of how you practice in amidst the flames, in amidst lay life. You know, this is the stories of women who had to spend a long time not being allowed to be monastics, and they have got some good stories about how we perhaps approach striding both worlds.

[41:45]

So anyway, thank you. Yes, well, I'd love to do that with all of you. And also, do you know those poems about the wise women? What is it? First Free Women. First Free Women. they're beautiful. And even though there's some criticism about them not being actual translations, you know, direct, that the man who did the work of retranslating these was inspired, I think he was inspired and kind of embodying the feeling of a great many of those stories. And I feel like he did a rather lovely job, even though he kind of, what do you call it, he took poetic license with the early teachings. But I was very inspired by those poems. They made me cry. Some of them, they were so beautiful, you know. Yeah, and I've been listening in Kathy's talks. She uses Susan Murcott's translation. I'm hoping you can hold of that, because I think that has a little bit more than Maddie Weingast's translations. That's it. Consulsiveness, right?

[42:47]

But the Maddie Weingast's interpretations are just, I mean, they're nectar. They're song. They're so beautiful. I agree. I agree. They're songs. Well, thank you. Thank you for that inspiring invitation. Hey, hi, you. This is actually funny on my part. I don't know if you saw my image was blinking in and out and I could see you, which I was almost listening to the talk because I could just see you talking. But I managed to sort out my, bring in a different computer. I got online just in time to hear Helene talk. And I realized this was a baby Anitia experience for me, but for Helene, it's more like, you know, gallon size Anitia experience. And I thought, okay, stop feeling sorry for myself.

[43:48]

It's just a computer glitch. Yeah. Boy, Helene, you're having a big impact on folks. You're having a huge impact on me, Helene. Compared to you, I'm like, well, what am I even thinking of? Why am I whining? Stop whining. I'm whining in my own brain. Yeah. I can think of a lot of things that I have. There are people who have it much, much worse than I do. So I'm feeling that way, too. Well, I have... A lot to be grateful for. Well, you're having a direct impact on me. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yay. Goes around, comes around. Lovely. It's also lovely.

[44:50]

Here you are. Hi, Fu. Hello. Hi. Thank you so much for your talk. I wanted to send my best wishes to Kokyo. Thank you. And thank you for sharing. It really is inspiring. So thank you. Thank you. I'm amazed. Thank you. We're inspiring each other to keep going. Yeah, to keep going. And what you said reminded me so much of taking refuge. I felt in these times where those first three, right, the refuges we always take, there's something really powerful there. And sometimes we need uh i i have not gone through any struggle near what what you're going through but like um like some of us were saying right we we live in in our own world sometimes and it's it's so great so helpful and i'm so grateful to be able to take a step back and and understand that the whole world is on fire and

[46:15]

There are fires a lot bigger than what the little embers that I create and start fanning in my own mind, right? So thank you so much for that and best wishes to all of the steps and pieces that need to fall together. Thank you so much. I wanted to also ask, Fu, if you would say the practice, our practice is to keep trying to make our way up the wheel, helping others. And at the same time, not really wanting to get to the center, not having much of a problem with falling off every single time, and knowing that we're already in the center. Yeah, well, that's, that's how you, that's how you fall off, knowing that you're at the center at the same time. You know, this, there's no, everyone's at the center. of the wheel, right?

[47:16]

It's a multi-centered universe. And each of us is at the center. I mean, of course, you know, the universe is around, all around. So just remembering, it's not a matter of doing anything. You have to do anything. It's just, that's what I love about Soto Zen. You're already there, you know? It's already who you are. And it's so hard for us to hold onto that. That's what we spin off of. Excuse me? You know, we keep forgetting. Forgetting is the falling off the wheel. But you really don't fall. I mean, you know, it was really well padded, that room that we were in. It's just like. Made for children. Made for. Yeah, it was perfectly, perfectly thrown around. Exactly. Yeah, it's just the play, you know, it's this play of it. And the more we can enjoy the spirit of play and not other kind of spirits and running around demonic spirits. I think we have so much to learn.

[48:18]

How to fall, how to share, how to help others and so on. Yesterday we initiated our bocce ball course here in some villages. Perfect game for the elderly of us. So we're all out there getting lessons. No one could remember the rules, but it hardly mattered. You just roll the ball down there and once in a while something would happen and we'd all yell, One of the things that we yelled yay for was a mistake. You know, hitting the little white ball is, you don't want to do that, but everybody goes yay. So anyway, it's wonderful. You know, it's wonderful. Brought the community out of their place, of their little rooms in their apartments to be together for a little while. And, you know, that's kind of what we like to do. Just come out of our holes every now and then and look around at the other groundhogs. Yeah, there's something Guo Gu said recently in a talk between him and Jiryu talking about Hangzhou's teachings, I believe.

[49:29]

And he would say that we're already free. And that's why we have so much problems. That's why we run into trouble. That's good. That's good. Because we're already free, we need to practice. We build traps. It's wild out there. Anything can happen. That's right. That's very good. There's something really, I think, where practice becomes most challenging and also most beneficial are in the difficult times, whereas we practice to be in the moment, to face the moments that we don't want to be in. because that's where we would most want to run away from practice. And I would always ask what to do in these moments of sorrow, right? The sorrow, what do we do?

[50:32]

And it's a powerful practice to just face it and to just be it. right it is it is you you you are it and same ways and everything we're feeling and to not want differently but also to continue practicing with the flow of change right and things do change we don't have to do something it will change the sorrow you know over time your sweet kitty is is gone now for a while and that was so hard and now it's probably not as hard But, you know, that happens throughout our lives. And so it's not that we, you know, exactly get used to it, but somehow it becomes more familiar. Yeah, we build a relationship with it, right? Come on in. Don't stay for too long, but you're passing by. It's important, right?

[51:35]

I mean, could you, how do we... it's so important to get thrown off the wheel, right? Because then we remember we're just one of everyone else. Everybody gets thrown off the wheel, right? Yeah. Guaranteed. Yep. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. I remember. How clever you are. There's some kid a little bigger than you. The permanence of impermanence. That's right. I always think of that. And one of the things that our talks, that all of these discussions we've been having reminded me was, and I want to sort of repeat that gratitude and that thank you for the practice and everything that you've shared with us and committed so dearly, because I think I've shared before with you in life, for me, it felt like I was always trying to swim against the current and thrashing.

[52:36]

And when I started practice, I said, and now I know that I can just float down the river. And then you said, well, and your feet can touch the bottom. You just get out, you know, dry yourself. You can stand up. That was wonderful. Yeah. There's always a little more. A little cherry on top of the whipped cream. Thank you, Fu. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, you. Hello, Phu. Hello, Hope. Hello, Helene. I am so sorry for your loss. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I feel happy for the first time since the fire tonight.

[53:44]

So thank you so much. takes a village. Suffering can do that sometimes. I noticed something interesting as you were quoting this Dharma talk, and it was when Suzuki Roshi says, it can't be helped, but if we become interested in some excitement, this change will accelerate, we will be lost. And I'm noticing that in a lot of texts and talks that I hear from teachers that I trust, there's a lot of talk about getting lost. And I'm all freaked out, like, in these moments that I'm not sitting enough or I wake up from, you know, an hour long, like...

[54:47]

I want things to be different than they are like really, you know, or a week long or a month long or long trance of being so identified with them. Feelings. I think, oh, I was lost. I was lost. I wasn't in the center. And then I think I'm found. I wake up from thinking I'm found and realize that I was lost. And then the teachings say you're never lost. And so I feel very confused. And is it both at the same time? And one thing I'm also struggling with that I feel some tension or like frustration around with Soto Zen is I find myself swinging between this like... Well, I'm always in the center, so might as well get lost.

[55:48]

Might as well get lost. Might as well just do the bad habit, do the thing and just kind of surrender. That's, you know, because I'm always practicing, so might as well. And then like the vigor of my practice comes back and then I'm really hard on myself and I lose it like real quick, like regret. Maybe you could. I could. I could. Well, I think you need help. Can't do it by yourself. Soto Zen is not private practice. It's community practice. And I mean, tonight was a good example of it's an us. It's about us. It's not about me. It's not about you. I mean, you know, and that office at my college was called Lost and Found. It wasn't called the lost department or the found department. It was the lost and found.

[56:50]

So, you know, we gather there at the lost and found because we all have either found something or lost something, you know, sometimes at the same time. You know, it's really an orientation. Did you lose something or are you rid of it? Is it well gone? Good riddance to that stuff that I... Just lost. I lost an interest in a certain kind of behavior. I lost interest in a certain kind of grabbiness and so on. Certain kind of self-centeredness. Oh, well, that's a good kind of lost. And I got something really great. I gotta look at that. That's maybe something you need to release. So it's a dynamic. You're not a static. You're not either lost or found. It's this pivot. Their relationship, lost and found are in a very intimate relationship with each other. If you aren't lost, how would you be found? They require each other to make any sense. So of course you're lost.

[57:51]

Of course you're lost. And that's when you ask directions. Does anybody know the way to me? Uh-huh. It's the very same way as to me. And same way as to Dogen. And the same way as to Shakyamuni Buddha. They all went the same way. They went inside. And they really looked closely at their thoughts. At the real wheel. The real wheel is not external. It's this one. We make that gesture all the time, right? Wow. The Lulu. But it's... It's with humor and with love. It's not to be critical of ourselves or each other. It's to just acknowledge how much we're all in the same boat. Right? We can all stand up in the water. We can all swim upstream. We can all try. You know, we can all float along.

[58:53]

We can all do all of these things. And we know that about each other. And that gives us companions, you know. Sangha, triple treasure, awakening, the teaching of awakening and the community of those who care about each other and about the world and themselves. So I consider you to be a member of that gathering, don't you? Yes. The need. Thank you, Fu. Thank you, Sangha. Hey, how are you? Long time no hear. I've seen you.

[59:55]

I'm here. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Good to see you, Fu. Good to see you, Sangha. My heart goes out to you, Kiyoko. Kokyo, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're here. Thank you. Yeah. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's always great to see your smile. Thanks. You too. I'm glad you're happy. I'm glad you're happy. Yeah, I'm surprised. All of a sudden, I feel happy. The power of Sangha. Yes. Really. Very much. It's true. Yeah. Fu, as I was listening and reflecting on this chapter, I was really thinking about when we were studying the five ranks with Dungshon, is that how you say his name? And within that chapter, it's like we move through all the ranks. Don't get excited, but it's like the non-duality is in there. Don't get excited, but you wouldn't get excited unless you're steady.

[60:59]

Do you know what I mean? They're the excitement brings up the steadiness like, yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So I was just thinking of, yeah, I don't know that I have a lot to say about it, but I could see all the, the different ranks within the chapter. Yeah. Good. Good. That's good. It's good to bring those things into relationship, you know, those theoretical models or those drawings, those illustrations are really helpful, you know, and then like, you can spend time with that and then you can see it in your own daily life. how something you do brings up the other side. Yeah. Yeah, it's constant pivot, isn't it? Yeah, constant pivot. And that's how we're made. We're made of the idea of an us and a them, or a self and another. We're made of that illusion. And so then we get to really understand that. And then once in a while, we get free of it. Inza zen. Yeah, that's helpful.

[62:02]

That's helpful. Well, because I was thinking in Zazen is when I remember, you know, I remember I'm home. The busyness, I forget. The Zazen, I remember. But you only need to do it once a week. I remember early on that I wanted Zazen because to be busy, that was just painful. So Zazen eased my suffering. It was hard to have just... you know, ordinary life as practice, because ordinary life was causing me suffering. Yes. Well, how you were thinking about it. Right, the Zazen. Which is what Zazen helped you to see. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why it's that pivot. Like, you know, the Zazen was necessary. I was also thinking about how the Sashens deepened my practice so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have those periods of retreat, you know. Well, as Linda Ruth said to me, when I asked her before I had a child, is it necessary to have a child in order to become a grown up?

[63:11]

And she said, no. And then after I got a child, I said, you told me it wasn't necessary to have a child. And she said, well, it's not unless you have one. So, same thing with sashins, you know? If you haven't done one, it's okay. But if you've done them, it's sort of like, oh, now I know something about me that I probably wouldn't have found out any other way. It's a pretty unusual thing to do. Really, really. Yeah, you know, this brings up a question. I always wondered why Buddhism created like a monastic way, like why you had to separate yourself? Why couldn't it be incorporated in our daily practice? But I realize now that it is. I mean, it always was. Yeah. Well, it's good to kind of act as though things are separate. I mean, it was very helpful for me to do monastic life, but Zen Center wisely doesn't offer that as a lifestyle.

[64:18]

You know, we're not allowed to stay at Tassajara indefinitely. Everyone eventually has to leave and go back to the running Zen center, taking care of Green Gulch, taking care of city center or taking care of Tassajara, which is kind of takes you out of the monastic schedule. So, you know, you, you kind of get dipped, but then you're asked to come out. Now, now what did you learn or what have you gotten from that? How can you put that into your, into the life of, of, of your offering of your bodhisattva vow? You're not here for yourself. You know, like Suzuki Rush, he wanted to stay at Eheiji. He was just a kid and they yanked him out of there. You got to go to work now. That's interesting because after a session, you know, I don't want to leave. And there's that feeling, that cocoon that you don't want to leave and you're thrown back out and you have to go to work. And it's like, I don't want to leave. But it changes. It changes the way...

[65:20]

You are in your daily life with work. That's right. And that's the point of it is to get you to go out there and affect the people around you, the world around you. You become a kind of a radiant being, whether you even know it or not. You're having an influence. You're centering. You're calming. Your kind of alternate view of things is extremely helpful. People are curious about that. What do you do? The first guy I met who was a real Zen center person, done a lot of sessioning, I said, who are you? And he said, I'm a Zen student. You want to come to dinner? Innocently. And off I went. That was it, man. That was it. Wow. He had a deep practice then. He did. He did. He was a sweetheart. Thank you so much. Thank you. Hey, Mistress Dean. Hey, y'all.

[66:23]

So I'm a big baby today. I'm a really big baby today. And first I want to say, I'm really sorry about how hard it is to go through the fire thing. When I was a kid, our house caught on fire. And I walked to and from school and I walked home and I saw the fire. all this burned part of our house, and I remember thinking, why does the house look like that? I don't remember anything else, but I remember why does the house look like that? So there's several things that were brought up today, and I wrote them down, and I actually can read my writing, which is, I don't know what that's about. Someone... said something and I thought they were comparing something and I thought, I've heard this phrase, comparison is the killer of, and I couldn't remember what that is, but I've decided comparison is the killer of living.

[67:29]

So that's the first thing I have to say. Second thing is practice amidst the flames. It could also be that we just live amidst the flames. When the flames come, we live with them. And then someone else said something about being lost, and I thought, well, I'm not lost. I'm not found. I'm just not clear about the way. And then the last thing that was said that I really appreciated was, and this wasn't what was said, but this is how I remembered it, is rise to the level of our training, not to the level of the situation. So I found out today that one of the brothers, one of the twins in my chosen family, has stage four cancer. And he and Andy, it's Dave and Andy, they're twins, and they're the siblings of my closest friend.

[68:39]

it wasn't until sitting here in this class that it has really hit me. And David, after my mom died, David, when I go to New York, I always stay with David. And he, after my mom died, he invited me to come and spend a week there. And And he has a shop in this place called Chelsea Market, which is really great because that means I get to go there and I get to pick out anything I want. And he lets me have it. So I appreciate everything. And I think this rise to the level of our training, not to the level of the situation, is... is so important. You know, we've spent five years, 10 years, 15, 20, 25 or more years practicing.

[69:51]

And this is the time we depend on that training. And every time we're met with something that is disjointed, We don't come back to, you had said something earlier about I haven't been practicing. But even when we're sitting Zazen and we spend a year going through watching every death we've experienced and re-experiencing over and over, we're still doing our practice. That's right. And sometimes a 100-foot pole, sometimes it's a 100-centimeter pole. You know, at the very beginning you talked about... I didn't make a note on it, so I don't remember.

[70:53]

Oh, you talked about everyday stuff. And everyday stuff, it could be a 100-foot pole. It could be our house burning down. It can be someone dear to us dying. And it can just as easily be this 100-centimeter pole where, you know, someone has said they would do something and they didn't do it, and I depended on it. So it's, I don't know, I was about to say it's all practice, but really and truly it's all living with what is presented to us. So if you've got something to bring me out of my whiny baby, whiny baby space out of work, or I can stay with it. I'll come out of it eventually. How many centimeters is it? 100. What color is it?

[71:55]

It's red. How much does it weigh? Oh, it only weighs like 12 ounces. Yeah. It's full of air. yeah yeah it's got a string don't see the string but it could be there i just haven't seen it sometimes it's helpful to imagine the emotions we're having you know give them some metaphorical uh illustrate them a little bit i find that sometimes very helpful or my mind will do it anyway if i don't right come up with some some way of of kind of recreating, recreating with these different things, these that are coming at you all the time, like you said, all day long, every day. All day long, every day. Yeah. Some of them you hardly notice. They're just like, and others have them just, you flop down on your face and just, you can't really feel like you can get up again for a while.

[72:57]

And on we go, and on we go. Actually, would you like to hear the quote, as I said? The real way. Well, I don't know. I could be just messing it up too. But what I said was, this is a Bruce Lee. Yeah, I know. I like that. Bruce Lee said, you don't rise to the occasion. You fall to the level of your training. I like that better. Yeah, I think it's better too. Yeah, I like that better. And I knew there was something that I had wrong there. Yeah, so you fall a centimeter or you fall a hundred centimeters, a thousand miles, but whatever it is. Even if you're training. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing that after, you know, after a long time, it automatically happens. You fall to your training. And my friend Judy, it's her brother. And then Andy's his twin. And these guys are identical. Yeah. They're really identical.

[74:01]

When Andy's... If someone... If David's in town and no one's told me David's in town, I see him and I say, hey, Andy. And then he says, no, I'm David. Yeah, so... It's hard to lose loved ones. Yeah, and being there for her because she has no foundation except freak out. So this whole thing of... fall to the level of my training is um feels very important right now yeah so thank you and i appreciate that everybody's um plugging away and falling to the level of their training and and um and and we keep we keep moving because that's what happens comes the sun keeps coming up so and keep setting moon comes up And if you're lucky and awake at 3 o'clock in the morning or 2 o'clock in the morning, you see the Aurora Borealis and then does it again.

[75:05]

Thank you so much. Thank you, Dean. Best wishes to your friends. Okay, dear ones, I think it would be a good time to stop. I don't know, stop. Let's never stop, but let's take a break for a week. I wanted to mention that... I'm thinking about what to do when I go, I'm going to go away for two months this this year, the end of July. And so I'll be gone August and September, I'm going with Karina to family and friends in Europe and traveling around and stuff. So I, I'm really thinking I won't come online during that time. But I hate the idea of disconnecting. So anyway, I'd love your thoughts on that as we get closer to the end of July and how we might stay glued, even though we might not be in the same opportunity to be together online. But anyway, I'm thinking about it, and I'd love your thoughts, as I said. So good night and goodbye, and we'll see you.

[76:09]

Hopefully, I'll see you next week. So you're welcome to unmute if you would like to say good night. Good night, everyone. Good night, everyone. Hi everyone. Thank you. Good morning. [...] Good evening. Welcome Molly. He went already, but anyway. Great week. Yeah. Have a good week. Yeah. Take care. Take care. Bye. Stay well, stay healthy too. Nice to see you. And so village people. Hi. Great. Just down the hall. Here we are at Enzo. I know. How lucky are we? You're muted for some reason. Am I? I am? I hear you. I hear you, Paul.

[77:13]

You don't hear me? You don't hear me? I hear you and Kate. See you soon. Can you hear her? Can you hear her? Can you hear me? Yes. i had my computer we actually accidentally had both computers on and i didn't want it to get into that pain thing oh yeah yeah yeah i wound up turning this one off so it's all your fault it's all my fault again again it's always my fault do you want you know what karina has ordered for us well i make one guess what she's ordered a tv no no that we already got that but something else because of the inspiration of last night and particularly Kate.

[78:14]

Oh. What? Yeah. What did you inspire me to order? A bocce ball. A bocce ball set. Not a bocce ball. A bocce ball set. Okay. Of our own. All right. All right. I'm off to you. I'm off to you. I'm off to you, Kate. Okay. Oh. Game on. So we need to practice. We have Carol here and Alfie. Hi. Hi, Carol. Welcome. Very honored to be here. Oh, great. Well, you're more than welcome. Alexa, stop. She just pops in at the weirdest times. Yes, well, that's a whole nother. That is another conversation. All right. invented a Her version. A much more powerful ChatGPT.

[79:15]

And they even have one of the voices is, what's her name? Charlotte Johansson. And so because the founder of Chat, OpenAI Chat, that's his favorite movie. That's his all-time favorite. That's his iconic movie, is the movie Her. Oh, yeah. That was amazing. It was like he wanted to invent an AI to do that. That we can all fall in love with. And he's got... Yeah, this one has some kind of emotions and actually flirts with people. And it's really creepy. I just read about the discussion of it. It's the next step beyond last year's chat GPT. People are going to fall in love with these things. They are. They're going to get... I mean, it's happening, isn't it? This thing that they've been predicting in terms of the sci-fi, it's happening. Yes, because it actually knows, you know, it responds to you in a warm and caring way.

[80:21]

Yeah. It really sucks people in. That's what they're looking for. Yeah, so this is, we're in, we just went another jump. It was, what, about a year ago in February or so when they released the chat GPT to the public. And now it's sort of taken another giant leap to be more indistinguishable from a companion or something. I don't know where we're going. Nobody knows where we're going. No. Well, that's it. It's like the thing is leading. We're following. This thing has already taken the lead. And we're like, where are we going? And we're not going to tell you where we're going because you get confused. This is the problem with AI. It's taking us over. We do not have control of it. And it's going to be really interesting to watch.

[81:26]

There we go. I'm glad we have each other here. Yes. In the little compound. I keep wondering if we don't need to have some kind of AI discussion group around here. That might be interesting. That might be very interesting. Get together and kind of, you know, try some experiments with it. Yeah. I'll come. You set that up, Paul. I'll come. Okay. All right. Maybe I will too, if I set it up. Yeah, maybe something else will be there ahead of us. I know I've had access to, but I just don't know what to ask or how to start or where to go. And it's people who get so used to just ask these things. Try to imagine that you're talking to Buddha. Yeah. See what happens. Hear what it says. I think we have lots of questions that we could. Yeah. See if we can trick it into giving us dualistic answers. since it's a dualistic device, isn't it? Yeah. It'll be fun to get Reb here.

[82:30]

He can join our little group. See what he can do. That sounds like an online thing. We should have Reb and AI. Reb and AI chat. Reb or AI? No, no, the two of them chatting together. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of possibilities here. Yeah, it could be, if we don't get too scared, It could be fun. Yes. But I think the scary part is there as well. I mean, I feel it. Very scary. But we have our little, we have our insulated bubble here. We can kind of go back into our burrows, as you said. That's right. That's right. And hide. That's right. That's where I'm going in a few minutes. Actually, I'm going to my refrigerator for what's left over from my lunch. Us too. Same Sunday night program. That's food lots. Snacking. Yeah. So it seems like there's a lot of opportunities.

[83:31]

And the challenge is not to start too many of them before we have kind of an idea of what to do. Yeah. Go everywhere all at once and get really confused. Well, there's a movie like that. Yeah. I think I've heard of a movie like that. It's very good. Quoted pretty often. But the point of it was, even with all that stuff going on, was love. Yes. Yes. You know, I think you've heard me tell that story of a friend who was driving this Renzi Zen Master somewhere, and she was working on the koans. And she said to him, would you mind if I asked you the answer to the last koan? Do you remember that? Yes, I don't remember the answer. Oh, he said, of course, I can tell you. The answer is love. Oh, yes, I do remember. There's only one answer. Yeah, see if AI can come up with that. Oh, Karina's snapping her fingers. Okay. All right, Rita.

[84:31]

It's time for you to go have dinner and sign off for this week, and we will see you around the property. See you soon. Very soon. I enjoyed your weaving Enzo experiences into this talk tonight, as opposed to it sort of being somewhat remote. Yeah, headless. Yeah, I'm noticing that it's my real life is now here. Yeah. You bring a real life into this program into this talk. And it's been somewhat disconnected. It's been over there. That's right. That's right. And it had been like I said, I was there. I'm like a ghost and somebody said that's because you don't belong here anymore. At Greengold. Yes. Yes. Oh, so now I get to find my way to incarnate here, you know? Yes. We're all doing that. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. It's a whole new life. A whole new life. We've incarnated in a new place.

[85:33]

All right. See you in the morning when we're reborn. Yes, in the Zendo. Oh, you don't go to the Zendo. It's okay. No judgment. I will. I'm there with you. Okay, I know that. All right. Good to see you. Of course, always. As always. Good night. Good night, Karina.

[85:58]

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