This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. What a treat. I didn't know when I was kindly asked by the Tonto Ana to give a talk that it would be this occasion where we get to see each other and be with each other. and get that limbic resonance going again. So welcome those of you who are here and haven't been here for a while, and I hope it's a deeply satisfying new beginning and encourages you to keep coming back and tasting what's offered. So again, thank you, Anna, for this invitation, and thanks to... the Abbots and the senior teachers and all of my teachers for inviting me to share with you what it is I'm thinking about.

[01:07]

And even though this is a new moment where we're coming back together, I think my questions are old questions. So let's see how they resonate. By the way, my name is Susan O'Connell. And I'm a teacher here and have been living at the Zen Center. I'm in my 26th year, something like that. This is home. And what I'm interested in is what it means to practice. And what makes our practice possible when struck at the core with major loss. What does it mean when we say, I have a practice, or we're going to practice with anger. If we're experiencing something difficult, we say, it's good for our practice.

[02:12]

We say that a lot around here. Let's look at the dictionary and see how practice is defined. It can be a verb. to perform an activity or exercise a skill repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency, like practicing the piano or soccer. So it can be a doing. Another dictionary definition of practice says that it means the actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method, as opposed to theories relating to it. So it can be an orientation or an attitude. And we can have a practice, like the practice of medicine or the practice of meditation.

[03:15]

It can be a having. And I would add something that wasn't in the dictionary definition. I think it's something we're often trained to do. by a teacher or a mentor. As a child, I was told to pray and given some physical instructions. Kneel down and put your hands like this. And I was given some words to use. God bless mommy and daddy. And maybe my brother, John. But as I grew up, there was no further instruction about what it meant when people said, let us pray. Besides a kind of vague impression that it meant to open one's heart in supplication, sort of to ask for something.

[04:17]

That's what I picked up without anyone telling me that. was drawn to Zen one day when I encountered a teacher whose presence was palpable. And I wasn't sure what it was at the time, but it felt different. And I knew that whatever that was, that was something that I wanted to develop for myself. And on the same day I met the teacher, I was given meditation instruction. It seemed quite different. from supplication. And it was called a practice. So I began this practice in 1989. At first, sporadically, as I was living my life in the world and running my company. And then after moving into Zen Center in 1995, I started the practice devotedly.

[05:26]

And at Zen Center, here, I was exposed to Buddhist teachings, the most basic of which are the Four Noble Truths. How many people here have heard of the Four Noble Truths? Maybe put your hands down. How many have not heard of the Four Noble Truths? A few. Okay. Well, I'm going to give you a very quick overview because there's a Part of the Four Noble Truths I want to talk about regarding practice. So the human being we now call the Buddha, the awakened one, was dedicated to finding how to end suffering for beings. And after many attempts to discover the root cause, he... according to our teachings, sat down under a tree and determined to not move until he had the answer.

[06:32]

And the result of this dedication, this, I guess, effort was an experience of how being a human being works. And then he was able to put this discovery into four simple truths, which he then shared with his friends. and students. So, noble truth number one, human life includes quite a bit of suffering, sometimes defined as dissatisfaction. So the word in Sanskrit is dukkha, and it's onomatopoetic in that it comes from the sound that a wheel makes when it's out of round. So, dukkha, dukkha, dukkha, dukkha. Something's off. That's what's being communicated with these words, suffering, dissatisfaction, dukkha.

[07:35]

Sound familiar? So, truth number two, there's a cause of this dissatisfaction, which is the never-ending wish or the craving for things to be different than the way they are. for good things to never change, and for unpleasant things to permanently go away. This is also known as delusional thinking. We think we can impede the constant change that is the nature of life. We're into control. Number three, truth number three, is very, very hopeful because it says, Since there's a cause, craving, there's a cure, which begins with being aware of the impossibility of permanence.

[08:36]

We can't do this thing that we always try to do. It doesn't work. So being aware of that is the cure. And in aware in what way? We develop the skills of being present, open, present. flexible and upright so that we can actually move with life itself instead of looking for ways to obstruct or push. So that's the cure. But the fourth noble truth is called the Eightfold Path. And it supports this investigation of suffering and the causes and the cure. with techniques or practices contained in, I'm just going to say them quickly because you could do a lecture on each one of these, okay? Right view, right understanding, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.

[09:47]

And to make it a little easier for this talk, those are clumped into three different things. Wisdom practices, ethical conduct practices, and mental discipline. So the truth of suffering is why we practice. And the cure to human suffering is realized through the development of wisdom practices, ethical conduct, and mental discipline. That's the proposal. The other thing I want to mention, however, is that all of the teachings that come to us are up for question. That's one of my favorite things about Buddhism. The Buddha said, don't believe me. Check it out for yourself. So be investigative of anything I say today and anything else.

[10:50]

Check it out for yourself. So far, my repeated experience is that these simple teachings do help me work with the complexities of my human life and be more beneficial to people around me. So. Back to the question. What is practice and what supports it? What would you say if I asked you, what is your practice? Would you automatically look at your seated meditation practice? Is it following your breath? Is it visualizing a peaceful place? Is it mostly daydreaming and planning? Can you only practice being still and curious when you're on the cushion? My understanding of practice is this.

[11:56]

Right now, this is my current understanding of practice. It's being present with whatever thoughts, feelings, or sensations are arising. But it's being present in a particular way. An intimate, nonjudgmental way. And practicing like this on the cushion. and in everyday life. It's not limited to the cushion. My root teacher, Tension Reb Anderson, used to describe it this way. It is meeting whatever comes with no complaints whatsoever. To me, practice means paying intimate attention to not turning away from something that's causing me discomfort or anxiety or pain.

[12:59]

There's also a similar way to practice with pleasure, but that's another whole talk. So being intimate with not turning away from paying attention to that which is But, and this is a subtlety, but I think it's quite important, not just paying attention to the content of the thoughts or calculating the causes of the situation. Besides being intimate and non-judgmental, the attention of practice involves slowing down, and relaxing just enough for the energy of habits to fall away into the background and allow the shifting of the attention to ever-present awareness.

[14:09]

This shift away from habitual responses So and now we're back. OK, thank you, Internet. And hello to the people out there. I was so focused on those of us sitting face to face. I know you wish you were here or this is the best way for you to be here is where you are now. So welcome. So this this shifting away from habitual responses allows for the possibility of a more creative. Appropriate, maybe kind. maybe kinder, maybe more truthful and beneficial response. We think about that. We have habits. Some of them are beneficial. Some of them are not. Practice allows us to shift focus and to be supported by what is actually there, not our kind of dusty eye look.

[15:29]

At what we are used to seeing and therefore can only see the habitual. So that's my current definition of practice. And this practice is supported by consideration of and sort of study of all of the aspects of the Eightfold Path. The wisdom teachings, the ethical conduct teachings, and the mental discipline. But are there aspects of the path that might be particularly helpful when meeting deep grief or when multiple difficulties arise at once? How can we not be thrown off of our commitment to meet what is arising? What do we do with the arising of panic, or despair?

[16:32]

How can we keep from turning away? Or if we do turn away, if we lose touch with our stability, our open hearts, how can we return to balance and presence and gratitude and hear the music, like the music outside? How do we practice with what Jon Kabat-Zinn refers to as full catastrophe living. I've recently had some personal challenges and struggles with meeting grief. I experienced the deaths of two beloved family members in a 10-day period. And there were moments when I experienced inability to stay intimate with the physical disorientation that was arising.

[17:36]

It was a visceral situation. It wasn't just a thought. One of these beloved beings was my brother, and the other was my sweet puppy of 13 1⁄2 years, Jack. And one night when I was going to bed, I had a visceral experience of panic. And I was suddenly aware that the space, my little apartment, I shared with him all that time, that the space I live in was a completely different shape and structure. Now that he was no longer in it. There was nothing to rely on. There was a groundlessness because it was just like everything shifted. And I was alone in my apartment, and I didn't feel ready to tolerate the groundlessness or to turn towards it.

[18:40]

So what did I do? I distracted myself, and I binge-watched Netflix until I was so tired that I couldn't not fall asleep. So it was, you know, I don't know what that was, but that's what happened. I wasn't able to turn towards it, which is part of why I'm investigating this right now. So what helps us not turn away in these situations? And while we can find encouragement and strength from parts of the Eightfold Path, like... Ethical conduct, which gives us the stability and courage and humility to meet our lives and our relationships. Or from the wisdom practice of right view, which is the realization of the way things are. I've been focusing on one of the mental disciplines. Something called right effort.

[19:44]

And right effort I'll describe as a kind of. Balanced middle way. In which correct effort is balanced against relaxed acceptance. It's a tricky balance. It's a koan. This is the effort we need in order to be mindful or aware of what we're thinking, feeling, saying, and doing in each moment. It needs an effort there. I'm going to call it today patient effort. Patient effort to me means acceptance of things as they are. A patience that's both wise and compassionate and persistent. It's a mental discipline. And I'm considering this as an important aspect of the path to strengthen.

[20:49]

Because it's helped me in other difficult situations. So I'm going to tell a story I told before in a talk. It's very short, but it's apropos. Three years ago, I had breast cancer. And I was offered chemotherapy and radiation. But the radiation involved implanting this kind of lozenge that was shaped a little bit like a pen light. into the soft tissue of my body and it needed to remain there for seven days. Well, I went in and out of radiation and they sent stuff down the wires and then take them back to my body and sent me home. Every ounce of my being wanted to expel it. My mind really wanted to turn towards the idea of being invaded. So visceral response and with kind of a mental support that was looking to really underline that response.

[21:54]

And panic was right there. But because I was committed to the treatment, committed to continuing good health, I was able to use concentration practices to keep my mind focused on being able intimate with this lozenge for seven days. I was able to acknowledge the physical sensation of panic and find a way to patiently and consistently tolerate it. Toleration is a step towards patience. And this kind of patient effort is not passive. It's motivated by an active tolerance of and compassion for the suffering rather than the desire to eradicate it. Once we adjust our urge to move away from the tension and make the effort to pay attention to the tension, we're more able to focus on the sensations, the emotions, the nature of the discomfort.

[23:12]

We can locate the desire to pull away, the urge to change it. Have you ever noticed that if you pay attention to the person in the room who's making a lot of noise and waving their hands around, etc., wanting to be seen, you pay attention to them, they calm down. It's the same process. You pay attention to that arising of discomfort. And it calms down. Instead of trying to feed or block the desire to get rid of discomfort, we can simply and kindly examine it. We can focus our attention on the desire to change the situation itself rather than the object of the desire. Does desire have a shape or a color? Where does it come from? Where does it live? Where does it go when it vanishes? Is it burning like a fire or is it pulling us like a rope?

[24:19]

The practice is to stay with tension and study it in all its subtleties. Don't elaborate or maybe even name it. And this is not about sheer will. It's soft acceptance of tension. It's not turning away. It's patient effort. So just a little bit more. It's about intention and compassion. So generosity, compassion, and forgiveness, and renewed intention are necessary parts of patient effort because we are often... not able to turn towards it. In my recent encounter with panic around loss, I didn't feel able to turn towards it.

[25:20]

This happens to all of us. And in retrospect, I am kindly, forgivingly asking myself, what was the difference between the situation during radiation and the recent one with grief? What supported the energetic response to the cancer treatment? One difference might be that I was doing the treatments in order to stay alive so that I could finish the project I'm working on. And the project appears to be beneficial to many beings. So that kind of bodhisattva vow was guiding me, was energizing me in that situation. So it was connected to my vow to be of benefit. Also, it was in the realm of awareness of death. Very strong motivator. I'm headed in about a year to Enso Village, our Zen-inspired senior living community that we're developing with partners in Healdsburg.

[26:26]

And living with aging, mine and others, is going to involve more and more exposure to loss. And one of the benefits of getting older is that we hear the clock ticking. which highlights the importance of developing a compassionate and demonstrable way to meet big difficulties, such as grief and loss. And, if we're fortunate, to be able to be present with our own death. When Ram Dass had a stroke many years ago, he related that as he was being rolled into the hospital on the gurney, he said to himself, Now I really need to start to practice. Can you imagine, you know, this amazing being devoted his life as a stroke and he's not ready for it and turns away from it.

[27:29]

Falls into the panic that that might bring up. And also Suzuki Roshi was standing around watching students at Tassajara jump into the creek near the Narrows. And it looked like so much fun he jumped in, forgetting he didn't know how to swim. And he stayed at the bottom for a bit, and the students allegedly thought, oh, he's being a Zen master. But then someone noticed that he'd been down there for too long and jumped in, pulled him out. A few days later, after that, there's a talk he gave at Tassajara in which he says, Now I really need to start to practice. So these are reminders. These are, you know, to be jolted with grief and loss are wonderful wake-up calls, wake-up calls. So how will we together explore and strengthen the practice that can help us meet each minute?

[28:41]

of our precious human life with no complaint whatsoever. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[29:23]

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