Ah. Good evening or good morning or good afternoon wherever you are out there. During my last Days in Zazen, I had maybe five to ten versions of these talks already.

[01:21]

So let's see which one comes up. One version was, I would start with a quote of Dogen's Genjo Koan, but that seems far off right now. This morning when I was walking in the garden and I was weeding, I had a couple of insights which I'd like to share with you for the start. The area didn't have weeding for quite a while. Shall I speak louder or can you push it a little up? That's better now? Yeah? Okay. So I was weeding and the area was quite full of weed.

[02:25]

And so I started to get things like on the side. I used my hands like a soft brush and started to get things away so I can see the ground. because it's hard to weed when you don't see the ground when you don't see the stuff when you're not able to distinguish what you actually want to take out and what you maybe want to leave and to my notion at least Zazen is a little bit like this now we try to get down to the ground to touch ground and then we might be able to see more clearly to notice what's actually going on and then you still have to really look carefully and feel I used my hands quite a bit to not just get wet off but also to feel well

[03:42]

Does it come off lightly or not? Is it entangled with other stuff? Does it get kind of like, if I take this out, take something else out at the same time and so forth. And I think also in Zazen we should, and sorry if I carry wood into forests here for many of you, I think it's good to be careful and really feel not just visually, but with our bodies, what's going on. And Suzuki Roshi, I mean, there's a, I think most of you know, there's a chapter in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind about weed minds. And he says, well, in the end, when you have some experience in practice,

[04:43]

you will really love your weeds because they will nourish your practice if you know how to use them if you know how to carefully attend to those then there will be nourishment it's not so much about getting rid of it okay maybe so much for my little experience this morning I came first here in 97 and I would like to start there I just had finished medical school and worked a little bit to have some money and then I did this trip to California in San Francisco and I had in mind to check this place out that was on my agenda and in a way so I did the first two weeks as far as I remember I stayed in the hostel and then one day I kind of

[06:09]

encouraged myself to just go and so i went up to this door and um a name called butch who was work leader at that time opened the door and he was quite a guy and um so he let me in and he said well what you what you're here for and i said well i'm just curious i just have this book and uh I was curious what it's like. And he said, well, okay. Well, would you like to become a guest student? Or we just opened a practice period. I mean, you can just enter if you like. And I said, well, yes, sure. Not knowing what I'm getting in. And so I did my first practice period here at City Center. At that time, Blanche was the abbess and Paul was Tanto. And that was the first time we met.

[07:13]

And it was like, it felt like coming home. Of course, there was a time before which led to me coming here. And there were couple of things which I would like to share with you the first thing closest related to that was that I came across then my beginner's mind as so many of us I encountered that book and I was very struck by the face and by his expression and I really wanted to see what what's going on here and at the same time I was kind of suffering I had pain so my girlfriend left me and medical school just finished I were living with a friend of mine for five years and this kind of we we are still friends but we just didn't share the same

[08:39]

apartment anymore so there was a lot of change and somehow I didn't really know what to do and how to address this pain so I started to meditate first just by myself and then later I tried some groups in Cologne at the time I was living in Cologne but somehow they all didn't really fit so I came here another aspect which led me to Zen is that I was doing Zazen already for maybe 15 years without actually knowing it I had a very sincere judo practice so from my late youth to mid 35 I was practicing judo quite quite a bit sometimes even four or five times a week and almost like professional and I went to team fights or to tournaments

[10:06]

before each practice judokas will just line up in front of the teacher and they will sit in Sesa and there will be Sazen it's just like a shout and then nobody moves everyone is still nobody ever explains anything to it and maybe ten seconds later we will just get up and start warming up So without knowing I already did Zazen for quite a while. And two things I very much appreciated and learned through Judo. The one was it became my second family which felt really good. And the second was I became judo.

[11:10]

At one point, there was no separation between me and judo anymore. And at that time, I didn't realize that that might be a thing or kind of worthwhile noticing. But later I really felt, oh, that was quite, well, beautiful. Maybe one day I can say that about Zen also. So, I did this practice spirit in 97 and then I went back to Germany. I asked Paul to be my teacher and he kindly enough said yes.

[12:11]

And then I came back twice to Sid Sashim here. And then I decided, well, I need more ground. I need something more fundamental to this practice and I can sit by myself. But this didn't seem to go somewhere. So I decided to go to Tosahara and I stayed there for two years between 2002 and 2004. and very short and simple that felt like paradise I really enjoyed being there and to practice there and yeah became very still which I haven't or hadn't experienced so far And then I left again.

[13:20]

Looking back, the reasons were quite kind of mind-made. At that time, I felt, oh, maybe I should go back because my parents get older and maybe they die. Actually, they lived on 15 to 20 years, both of them, so that might have not been the reason. I think some part of me... was not yet ready to completely surrender to completely give over and the second thing I think I had to live something else also which then I did so Suzanne my wife we are not formally married but I call her my wife anyway we have or had a kind of relationship before that but when I came back to Germany shortly after we came together again and so we are living together now for 18 years and she brought two boys within the relationship so that gave me the chance to become a father and to live a worldly life and have a family

[14:46]

which I think I needed to do that. And which I'm rather grateful for. And yet, also over those almost... well, 20 years since I left Tassahara, something changed in my practice. I would still sit Sashin at least twice a year, mainly meeting Paul in Belfast, or sometimes going to other places, sitting Rohatsu. But I... there was a gap between the practice and my life. So I sat and I went to Sashin's, but in the everyday life, it not really, what to say, there wasn't enough grip, not take over.

[16:04]

I couldn't really bring it over completely. So by time, it felt terrible. just like i'm losing my direction a little bit i'm losing spirit or a sense of where i want to go and this is one reason i came this time well to maybe reset the spirit or get back on track get my direction clear, things like that. And while I'm saying this, I think, well, there was on, in different areas of practice, you could say, there was quite a growth, so.

[17:10]

I feel that Susan, for example, is probably one of my main teachers or became one of my main teachers and living this relationship and in a way also the first years at least fighting through it and see that we can do it of course was also practice. Looking at you, Eli, I just thought, well, another reason to come right now also was that I somehow needed a zenbatical. But I'm just doing it the other way around. Leaving home and work and just coming to a temple to, well, to invoke something again.

[18:17]

or to learn anew how this works to invoke something. I tell a few things about my childhood, not very much. It's not going to be long, but just you have a sense. I grew up in Germany in an area called Down Rhein area, which is in the very west of Germany, kind of in the middle of the very west, close to the Dutch border. My father was a gardener and my mother a kindergarten nurse, do you call it like that? She was taking care of children in kindergarten.

[19:22]

And so we had these big grounds with five big glass houses and my father was working a lot. I have two, one brother and one sister, both younger. My brother is one and a half year younger, my sister six years. And for the most time we had a really happy childhood you know we could go outside anytime we want there was lots of space and we could just play and do well basically whatever we want we would have pets there were dogs and rabbits and at one point even goats so that was quite happy my parents weren't that happy all the time which was maybe one of the shadow sides so they had a lot of fights around money even though we never really kind of we came around and along very good I think looking back but as well in my father as well as my mother there were kind of disappointment about that they

[20:49]

didn't earn more money with the work mainly my father did and so they got into fights about it which was for us children was painful and you know now I can see of course it was not about money it was just that they just didn't learn how to relate to each other and relate to conflicts they had in a different way they are already both dead my mother died seven years ago and my father two years ago and I was kind of fortunate to be there in both times when they died my mother had a hard time to die she had a hard time to let go and my father actually

[21:59]

I'm not sure how to say this, but I'm almost proud how he could leave. He really did very well. It was kind of a gift to be with him when he died. So how am I doing time-wise? Okay, cool. Then I can go on a little bit at that point. So for me, I really like to work in the garden.

[23:09]

I really like to work in the temple, cleaning stuff and stuff like that. So I like the physical work. Usually in my life as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, I mainly just sit around and listen to people. So it's really a nice treat for me to do some physical work. And when I left my parents, I actually didn't know exactly what I want to do. I knew I would like to do something which has some aspect to science and I would like also do something which is where people are involved. So in the end, I just came up with medicine and went to medical school and had a really good time there. I was just one of those students who took his time and passed the exam like I had to, but I really enjoyed being a student.

[24:30]

there were some spiritual experiences which I might share with you which at that time didn't really kind of occur to me like in any way important or noticeable and I'm sharing that because I feel there's something in there I can still learn So I was in Cologne going to medical school and doing my judo and hanging out with people and I was really like wholehearted in there. It felt like I'm just doing what I needed to do. And so one day I was in the trap and I had my mountain bike with me usually I would ride through Cologne on a mountain bike and I think I was on my way to to the station to the main station and all of the sudden everything was only light I was a little puzzled and then I turned around to the people who were in the tramp also and there were two people

[26:01]

who were like Persian or from Iran or Iraq I don't know there was a man and his son and they were talking in their language so I could understand the language it was like it was almost written in front of my eyes so that went on for a couple of minutes and then I just left the tramp and went on with my life up to the point I started practicing maybe even a couple of years into Zen practice it never occurred to me that this might have been quite an experience and why I'm sharing this is I think as far as I can see looking back it came into life because I was just so wholeheartedly doing the things I was just doing I was far from being

[27:02]

very holy person or like doing only good things and avoiding bad things really far from it and still somehow this happened and I wish I could have said well that was the moment I got into practice but that was not the case I just I just went on and then I had another experience it was actually an accident I had a bike accident I with my front wheel I got into the tramp line and I really flew but the moment I flew time actually stopped so it was almost like I could I don't know it was really super slow motion happening at that point which I heard

[28:03]

is not so uncommon in that kind of situation but also I think you know at that moment I was for that moment I was just completely thrown off any normal pattern anything I would do or were used to or my body was used to so something shifted and things started to be very clear slow yeah and then of course i fortunately i could i didn't break anything or didn't injure myself very much and so i went on So sometimes I wonder what brings people to practice.

[29:10]

In my case it's pretty clear it was some kind of pain, something was missing, I didn't feel very happy at that time. It weren't those kind of more extraordinary experiences. And then I'd like to thank you. All of you. And even those, of course, everyone, you're out there, you're here. Me sitting here and talking cannot happen with you without you listening.

[30:15]

And I know many of you heard this before. But it's even like I couldn't say a word without you. That is not possible. So that you make me sit here, is resonating here, and then words come up, and they're resonating there, and this is going on all the time. So thanks. having me in that spot and thank you Paul for inviting me for keeping at me I mainly think the story Suzuki Roshi told should have had a fifth horse I think of this

[31:22]

monk as the fifth horse you know paul usually when paul gives some kind of advice i would take it up five or ten years later if at all so sometimes i really feel with you so thanks for keeping and thanks to susan she hopefully will watch this on demand later And in good tradition of my teacher, I'd like to read a poem at the end. It's by Jane Hirschfeld or Hirschfeld. How do we pronounce this? Hirschfeld. A salary fragrance. Even now, decades after, I wash my face with cold water.

[32:25]

not for discipline nor memory nor the icy awakening slab but to practice choosing to make the unwanted wanted I read this again even now decades after I wash my face with cold water, not for discipline, nor memory, nor the icy awakening slab, but to practice choosing to make the unwanted wanted. Thank you so much.

[34:00]

I have been proud to have one of us to say again. And it was a little strange that we saw a lot of everything else to the world. I don't know how many of us are going to be around the world. But I am not going to be able to get any of us to be around this. [...] I am not going to be All right, everybody, all right, all right, all right.

[34:35]

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