Thank you. Now, a little closer. Good evening. Good to see you all.

[01:22]

Not seeing you there, but good to know you there. I would like to start with telling a story. It's about a monk in a temple in a bigger city in San Francisco. And one day this monk got an email and was pretty upset. annoyed angry about this email and because they were practicing the parameters he thought oh that's a good good opportunity to practice patience for example so he tried and it didn't really work he got more agitated and more angry. So he thought, well, let's try something else.

[02:26]

And so he went into the feeling, into the annoyance, into the anger and made it bigger. He infused it, so to speak. And imagined what he would do if he could live it out. And he became a wild tiger, killing everyone, tearing everything apart. By this practice, there was some alleviation. This monk had some fun and some joy with this imagination. And at the end, he was actually able to do the practice good monks do in this kind of temples. So he was able to breathe with the anger and able to watch it.

[03:31]

And that went on for the day. The whole story is about 24 hours. So he did his work and at noon service he still was somewhat annoyed and angry and these thoughts came up again and again and he did his afternoon tasks and then he sat in the afternoon and he hoped that by sitting something will change but it didn't after Zazani was the same annoyed and angry and agitated monk and then after dinner he was on dish shift so he really angry and annoyed did the dishes with a lot of energy which felt quite good and did some more alleviation yeah and still he was

[04:51]

feeling annoyed and feeling angry and different thoughts kept coming up so he went to sleep unfortunately he slept well and next morning he went to Zazen and tried again and very intentionally tried to stay very close to the breath and the body while also carefully watching to those thoughts. And during that period of zazen, there are a couple of new associative thoughts showed up, which you could say made the picture a little bigger and led to some understanding what was actually going on. So now to that story you can apply the parameters.

[06:02]

The first attempt to apply one of the parameters didn't really work and I think looking back, I guess the monk wasn't really kind and... kind enough to apply the paramita of patience in a way that it would not be kind of suppressive or controlling. So at that moment he was not ready to do that. So instead he gave himself to the feeling or you could also say he gave the feeling to himself and infused it, made it bigger so he could feel it better, could see it clearer, could see the... how much it was and then over those 24 hours he practiced ethical conduct and patience in the sense that he didn't act out on it he could have just wrote a mailbag and kind of annoyance and expressed his annoyance or his anger or could have done something else and he refrained from that and

[07:19]

that to my mind is patience and ethics morality don't harm people just because you're feeling what you feel and of course over the whole day trying to be with it is also practice of patience and then the next morning I would say there was a clear intention which is also a form of energy when we turn towards something with a very clear intention we we give it energy and by that concentration arose and fortunately enough something showed up something could become clear And the kind of understanding you could call as the parameter of wisdom.

[08:25]

So these things, I think, happen quite frequently to all of us. We get annoyed at something, or we are happy about something, or whatever. That happens all the time. We are sentient beings so we have feelings and this is always a great opportunity to practice. It doesn't have to be a kind of so-called negative feeling. You can do it with positive feelings also. Usually we are not so inclined to do it with joy or happiness because usually we are kind of content with joy and happiness. We don't look more deeply but we could and there are some suggestions to do that so having applied the parameters to that story I also like to give a kind of a psychotherapeutic psychodynamic you could say appliance to that story and make a

[09:50]

kind of process out of that. The start is pretty much the same, you know. Not acting on it is very good advice also in psychotherapy. And then trying to make it bigger and feel it better is also a very standard thing in psychotherapy. It just makes it easier to understand in the end. But when I started talking, I felt, oh, there's something missing and, you know, to To make a kind of psychotherapeutic process out of it, I need to tell you the story which came up during that period of Sase.

[10:59]

And it didn't come up in the way I'm telling it right now. It was basically about associative thoughts and feelings, which then I could make a story out of it. Or this monk. So when this monk was two years old his parents had a gardening and they were both working very hard and long hours in the gardening and he was put in a playpen. One day he actually climbed out of it and started to explore what was around him the only problem with that was was that there was a big highway not far away so when his parents saw that he was gone they were really kind of shocked and afraid and looked all over the place and his father

[12:17]

then saw him and went up to him and slapped him and brought him back to his to his place and from that on the fence would be higher so he couldn't climb out so for a two year old this was rather painful his his need being close to his parents and his needs to be supported in exploring the world were hurt and so he felt the pain and was sad and got angry and annoyed and all this stuff so when I when this monk got the mail he without being conscious of it was reminded and remembered that story and some other things, I guess.

[13:22]

But his psychic system decided that this was too unpleasant to really feel consciously. So there were some defense mechanisms going on, like suppression or... Let's see, I wrote them down so I don't forget them. Affect isolation is one thing. Affect is actually a term for emotion. And that means, I mean, the suppression is pretty easy. The monk got the mail and got angry, but didn't get why. So that was not conscious. And he got only one feeling, kind of the anger part. All the other feelings and the whole other story was not conscious. one emotion was isolated so to keep the rest unconscious and effect shift is also very common now the anger wasn't directed towards his parent at that moment but towards maybe the person who wrote the mail or the institution or whatever so the emotion got shifted towards something or someone else and this is all in the service to keep

[14:46]

the real story and most of the real feelings unconscious but by infusing the feeling by staying close to what was happening inside these defense mechanisms got loosened step by step their grip was not that strict or hard anymore by the time the morning then so something else could show up and what i would like to stress and where i feel or think those two ways applying the parameters or a psychodynamic process to that story which are important are

[15:48]

And so their psychotherapy and our practice is pretty much on the same page. The first thing is try to feel it as good and as best and as complete as you can. If you have only half of the feelings, half of the story, it's very hard to understand it and in the end to let go of something. The second important thing is not acting out. According to the parameters, this is, like I said, ethical conduct and patience, you can say. But also the psychotherapeutic notion is if you start acting out those things, just write a mail, create another conflict with a different person, it's just so much harder than to stay with this person

[16:52]

process and to actually realize what's really going on you just have another layer of defense by creating outer conflicts and the third thing I'd like to stress is and this is maybe a notion which is not so explicit in our training most of the times but we all experienced it I think lot of times is the notion of mourning and grieving grieving before you can let go of something in the psychoanalytic tradition of psychotherapy this is you can say the key point of the process if you're not able to grieve for whatever happened earlier on or just a couple of days ago it's actually almost impossible to let it go and when we sit we all experience Zazen periods where we had deep sadness or even cried and mourned for something but we don't usually speak about these things so much

[18:20]

it's like okay usually i heard people say well some more experienced people to some newcomer oh you know the first three years you will just cry so it's like some notion people have about our practice and the first time the first years maybe you will cry a lot on your kitchen yeah and by some bewildered looks i get that might not be the case for all of us i did Actually, I cried a lot for the first years. Not all periods and not all sessions, of course, but I mourned and grieved quite a bit on the cushion. And I'm also saying that story because from the perspective of a psychotherapist, almost every day I can see how hard it is for people to let go of their suffering, at least of a part of it, to understand it and to let go of it when they're not able to grieve, to feel the sadness, to feel the pain, whatever it might be.

[19:34]

And of course, you can also apply the Genjo Koan to the story, right? I mean, it's like study the way, study the self, forget the self. This is all in there. I mean, to look at yourself closely for... I mean, this was a story about 24 hours, but actually we do it all day, all day long, if things go well, is to study the self. And then... if you dive into what the moment presents it might be a feeling might be thoughts might be a combination if you completely dive into it you forget the self you're just that feeling or thought

[20:44]

if you're able to let go of whatever happened which led to that situation to that perception then usually something clears up something becomes more spacious and you can see things they are just there you don't have to go there or maybe a better word there just be without you doing anything and you can just precede them which is kind of joyous in itself and when we When we stay there long enough, or it's not about time actually, but let me say it like this.

[22:04]

When we stay there long enough, when we are able to sustain this kind of awareness, sometimes the body might drop up. It's just gone. Maybe for a shorter period of time, sometimes a longer period of time. Our usual ways of constructing the world above kind of identifying with words and stories and with notions of self is just gone for that. far this story so let's speak about meditation or concentration or absorption a little bit this is the fifth parameter rap in his book about the six parameters started this this part

[23:32]

with a koan and it's a kind of famous koan and the famous monk comes to Yunmen and asks what is the teaching of a whole lifetime and Yunmen replied an appropriate response so how do we do appropriate responses know about meditation you could say innumerous things and there are whole libraries about it and you can start by very technical things breathing and posture and this is I think more than good and helpful but there's in our tradition also a different way to think about it and this is something like that just focus

[24:43]

on your intention to help all beings, to free all beings, knowing that there are no beings, no persons, no souls, and no other things. I mean, this is the Diamond Sutra, right? That's what Buddha told us how to be a Bodhisattva. Just keep this thought always close to yourself. And this is kind of a different notion of meditation. And I was curious about how Rapp will phrase it and he actually his way to say this was that meditation or concentration absorption in our tradition to his mind is an awareness that is open undistracted flexible and calm you could also say well it's like coming back to the nature of mind which to a very revered

[26:12]

Tibetan teacher Kalu Rinpoche the nature of mind is open clear and connected so to return to that nature of mind by applying our intention to save all beings knowing that there are no other beings that's a way to define meditation and then you know when when i say this you all know well but what about my mind when i sit down there's one thought after the other right what about that what about all of my discursive thoughts which i held hold so dear to me Well, be kind to them.

[27:14]

Let them be. There's not so much you can do about them. I mean, you can try to fight them or you can be annoyed about the fact that they are there or you can try to control them, you can do many things with them. But in the end, most of us know that don't help. They will keep coming up. There's a book called Open the Hand of Thought. And I think this is a nice picture to say it, right? Usually we, without even noticing and not even being conscious about it, we grasp our thoughts, our ideas about the world and ourself. We are really like this most of the times. And this is not like special

[28:20]

extraordinary things this is just like okay there's the bus there's the car there's my cushion what happened to my my cushion I have a different cushion now and so forth it's just no things we see some things to be here we already made concepts out of it before we know it even a sound you know it's hard to hear a sound to really hear a sound our brain locates the sound and this is already a concept it's already applying something extra to that sound but you know it's very hard not to do it's almost impossible so this also says this might not be the core problem you know we will have thoughts we will continue to conceptualize the world but can we let our thoughts just be the thoughts and know that they're not real know that we don't have to believe them don't have to invite them for tea don't have to fight them or control them

[29:49]

when you said a lot you know this can be hard work because they are very persistent our sense of self is really really persistent and is fighting for its life it doesn't want to go away it's so important and yet and that's the good news and this is one aspect of practice which is very important if we repeat just being upright breathing and holding those things without leaning towards them or leaning backwards or sidewards just noticing them staying close to what's happening they are not a big problem actually

[31:04]

this needs, I think, this needs intention. This needs kind of an heroic effort. Rep likes to speak about heroic practices. And it's kind of heroic to be a bodhisattva and say, well, first, I will save all beings. Second, I know that there are no beings. This is pretty far off. But this is our vow. This is what keeps us moving this is what makes it possible to sit there for hours and just be happy annoyed experience pain whatever restlessness to just be with that all you you would not do that without this vow without this intention and this aspiration or it's just very hard if you try okay um there's another story rep has in the chapter about meditation and it's about

[32:45]

a yogi, Bahiya, who travels to the Buddha to ask him a question. Bahiya was a kind of renowned and very established yogi, but the story goes when he was by himself, he had a doubt, he had doubts about his practice. And so a deity came and said, well, there actually is someone you can go to and ask. So he went to the Buddha. And he met the Buddha when the Buddha was begging for food in the morning and he had to ask three times because the Buddha three times said, well, this is not a good time. I'd like to beg for food now. I'm hungry. Please come back later. But by here I insisted and said, well, we both don't know if I'm still alive this afternoon, so please give me the teaching now. And so the Buddha did. And this is what the Buddha taught Bahiya.

[33:49]

Here in Bahiya you should train yourself thus. In the seen will be merely what is seen. In the heard will be merely what is heard. In the sensed will be merely what is sensed. In the cognized will be merely what is cognized. In this way you should train yourself, Bahiya. When Bahiya for you in the seen is merely what is seen, so forth till in the cognized is merely what is cognized then by here you will not be with it when by here you are not with that then by here you will not be in that when by here you are not in that then by here you will be neither here nor beyond nor in between the two just this is the end of suffering So when things are just themselves, when we are able to see them, when the mirrored things come forth, and we are able to sit there witnessing them, enjoying them, then the impulse to grab things or turn away from things is almost not present anymore.

[35:19]

knowing that this also means there is no inside, no outside, there's nothing in and outside of us, nothing which separates us. When you put those two together, this is the end of suffering. Then you know. And Dogen's take on that is as far as I can see you know this is always true we are always this we are always Buddha we are always this is always so close to us there's actually no way that it could be any different but this is something you have to experience and then know um there are all those funny stories about animals being raised by different animals like a lion is for whatever reason is raised within a sheep herd right and so by growing up he thinks he's a sheep then at one point another lion comes along and this girl like what are you doing here well i'm a sheep and the other like no no no no come on

[36:56]

and drags him to the next pond and says, look at our pictures. We are the same. I'm a lion, you're a lion. So I'm Buddha, you're a Buddha. There's not so much practice there, you just have to believe and know it. I mean, this lion, how Shirley practiced lion, he's already a lion, right? We are already Buddha, so can we know it? Do we trust it? Okay, I have much more here, but I will stop. And if you have questions, I think we have time for... or three questions I think K will bring the mic

[38:16]

talked about, I guess, the Buddhist Zen way of approaching your anger, and you talked about the psychotherapy way of approaching your anger. Which of those two approaches do you prefer? Well, I did them both at the same time. I couldn't say. There are not two ways of approaching it. I just told the story and then laid kind of upon... five parameters and then I laid upon the story a kind of a psychodynamic explanation but what I did was still the same there's just different ways to talk about it and to explain it and yes I like infusing those feelings because I feel well that makes it much easier to in the end to get around it you talked about the importance of grieving to let things go.

[40:13]

But what happens when the grief, when the reason for the grief is ongoing, when trauma continues, right? Like I'm thinking of war. and its ongoing nature and i feel like bodies sort of desensitize at a certain point and like check out um do you have anything any reflections on that yeah yeah the word grief or mourning might sound that there that you do this and then there's an end and then you're done right you let go and then it's done but sometimes you just you just feel the pain ongoing and I think you can do both feel the pain and kind of grieve for it but you might not come to an end saying well this is the end of that specific kind of pain um

[41:36]

so you just continue feeling the pain but I would also say one part of the practice could be to see how you feel the pain how you are grieving or mourning because of course everyone is very different in his or her or their way to do it and that might tell you something about yourself with traumas is actually pretty special you know when someone is traumatized and the reason for the traumatizing is still ongoing you would actually not treat this person so it's actually very hard because when there's still let's say

[42:43]

the reason why you are traumatized is still around you're still with that guy for example which beat you up then there's no way you can open up to that pain which means you have to kind of give up some of your defense mechanisms and make yourself vulnerable and this doesn't make no sense at all in this kind of a situation so also grieving and mourning will not happen at that point yeah but this is a very specific situation so that's why we always try to bring people out of the situation and make very clear that this is the most important thing first they have to do and then still pretty often that doesn't work and then you can just witness which is painful any more questions?

[44:03]

okay thank you very much had shown these ways and to every being and best with those terrible men that did not want to develop this way. Even though I don't remember this, I have a vow to save them Thank you.

[45:16]

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