and perfect dharma is barely met with even a hundred thousand million kalpas. Having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept, Good morning, dear Sangha. I have some great news this morning. Our Sangha body has grown. And while these first two talks had been recorded, there was nobody on the back end. However, this morning we have a whole set of online participants joining us as they start their three-day Rahatsu this morning.

[05:51]

So a deep welcome to all of you just joining us online. And the hope is that perhaps, because we've been settling now for a couple of days, we're giving them something to kind of tether onto and hopefully drop in. a little bit more steadily. And on the other hand of that, I'm hoping that we can now extend our practice beyond these walls, knowing that we are practicing along with so many others who are sitting Rahatsu around the world. And either way, it's a great privilege to be practicing this way together. I'd like to extend my gratitude to Abbot David for inviting me to co-lead this practice period. Retreat along with Tova Green and Tim Wicks. And so here we are, together, about to take the backward step to cease our worldly affairs and attend to this great matter.

[06:56]

To do some recap, to bring our new folks in, Tim spoke wonderfully on Tuesday, our day one, just reminding us more than anything that to do this, it takes courage. to stop and just be with what is as the way things are. Yesterday, Tova shared a quote from Jane Hirshfield that really resonates with the heart of Zen practice that I wanted to again bring in today. Zen pretty much comes down to these three things. Everything changes. Everything is connected. Pay attention. And these three truths can guide us through session. They remind us to welcome impermanence. To recognize interconnectedness in all things and to bring mindful attention to each breath. And lastly, before we bow into the topic, so to speak, I just wanted to invite those of you online to if you haven't already to just stop for a moment and set an intention for your sit in.

[08:09]

And those of us who are on day three, I once heard Rush and Paul Holler say in a kind of mid-session talk that now's a good time to renew your intention that you brought in so that it can sink into your bones. So I'll give you a moment to do that. I'm going to soak up some sweat here. So as we sit together, during this session, we're all coming from different points of the path. Some of us may feel like we're searching for something elusive while others may be working to tame something that feels wild. Others may be just resting in the quiet of sitting and wherever you find yourself, know that this moment on the path is yours and it's whole. So wherever you are in your path, whether this is day one, or day three, first seshing, or maybe hundredth seshing, your practice belongs completely.

[09:17]

And when we come to practice together, as we know, we call that Sangha. And many of us were introduced to Sangha through a similar gateway, maybe a friend, a family member, a therapist or trusted guide. For me, it was a secular meditation teacher For some, it might be meditation and recovery, groups like Young Urban Zen or Queer Dharma. So the reason I bring all of these gates up and what they have in common is they're built from affinity. And while that word has many different definitions, I'll give you the one that I'm going to be using this morning. It's a natural sense of connection or resonance that arises when we encounter something or someone who reflects an essential part of our existence or being. It is the feeling of being seen, understood, and accepted without the need for words or explanation.

[10:24]

Affinity creates a space for trust and belonging where we feel safe to be our authentic selves and connect with others or ourselves on a deeper level. So at the core, these affinity groups, people create a sense of safety, of trust, and of welcome. And these affinity gates also help us see or feel seen and accepted for who we are, which might make a sense of an incomplete self feel more whole. And reflecting on this topic of welcoming as we've been engaging with it now for eight weeks, I came to figure I felt the most welcome when in the midst of affinity, when there was a shared connection that transcended words and made me feel truly at ease. So affinity, whether in families, communities, or here in Sashin, as we are doing in silence, we come together to connect and deepen our experience.

[11:35]

When someone sees us for who we are, truly embracing the fullness of our humanity, it can be one of the most liberating feelings. It goes beyond words. It's recognition that touches the heart and the spirit directly. So just take a moment to think and reflect on the times you may have been seeing, brought in, or experienced in this way. can hold on to that for a little bit later. And as many of us, those of you who are joining us online, yesterday we celebrated the Suzuki Roshi Memorial, or honored it, I guess you can say, both and. And during that time, a lot of the words and remarks, it was very clear that Suzuki Roshi had this way of letting people feel their full humanity as he saw them as a Buddha.

[12:43]

And his way of meeting people with such openness reminds me of the importance of practicing in this way as well. However, there's a layer we usually have to get through to extend that type of practice. And so that brings us to our topic of today and that in Zazen, it's a chance to develop affinity for ourselves, creating a space where we can meet ourselves with openness and belonging. Affinity also represents how we meet ourselves on the unfolding path. We've also been studying the ox-herding pictures, and it really beautifully illustrates this at each step of the path from searching to the ox to riding at home. It's a reflection on how we build this relationship with our true nature. So in the book, The Welcoming Beginner's Mind, Galen Ferguson more or less lets us know that that's the path that we're on.

[14:07]

This welcoming is a form of affinity and openness to meet every aspect of our experience, especially perhaps the parts that we struggle with or wish to avoid. In the ox herding pictures, we see this mirrored and the gradual taming of our ox or our mind. And it's not forced or rushed, but guided through care, patience and understanding where it starts to actually engage with you. And this teaching encourages us to approach our practice with the same attitude, embracing the fullness of our journey with curiosity and compassion. So whether you're here feeling like you're searching, struggling or settling into your practice. Each stage has an opportunity to cultivate affinity for ourselves. So how do we do this?

[15:10]

How do we meet ourselves with the same sense of belonging and welcome and non judgment? So then we have that opportunity to just. sit with a deep understanding of ourselves beyond words, beyond judgment. Our founder Suzuki Roshi said, when you are you, you see things as they are, and you become one with your surroundings. So Zazen is that practice of meeting ourselves, embracing the totality of our experience without clinging or resistance. A couple of months ago, Abbot David gave a Great talk and reference Zen koan from case 36 of the gateless gate. I'm not getting into cons. It's not my bag. But I did want to just bring forth the question that he offered because I found it really informative when considering what to say today. And it goes like this.

[16:13]

Meeting a person of the way, not using words or silence. How will you greet them? Again, that's meeting a person of the way, not using words or silence, how we greet them. And so as we sit this half week, we are the people of the way and we are meeting ourselves. And so perhaps greet yourself with an awareness that holds an affinity for what arises. So that's the. thing to do. And so now I wanted to give maybe a little bit of some instructions on how to gather the heart and mind. And to do this, some of you were with me in a previous class. Well, I need to set the stage first, I'll say that. Some of you did an exercise that I had adapted from David Trivelin, who's a trauma-sensitive mindfulness aficionado, a doctor professionally.

[17:18]

But it's kind of what he is in my head. And it was very much in line with the pictures that I was describing a couple of classes. But after sitting with it and practicing with it, yeah, I think I went a little deeper with it as a way to look at Zen teachings. So this exercise, when we get to it, have some explaining to do, will feature both of your hands. One. could look at as awareness awareness of breath awareness of body and the other one represents our conditioned mind which holds a sense of self or maybe these intentions that we set on or perhaps the things that we want to share with the world and so they both inform each other kind of like the relative and absolute And to look at this a little further, I'll describe maybe how these fists are made.

[18:20]

In short, I really cut a lot out of this talk. But when we're born, we're more or less like this open hand. You know, we have vulnerability, curiosity, and are quite connected to the present moment. And then what happens over time is... We tend to learn that maybe it's not that helpful to be vulnerable or you can get hurt that way, honest or authentic. And sometimes it can feel unsafe. So we start to learn how to close this hand to cover up what's inside, of course, metaphorically speaking. So our fist does usually get closed and I won't go too far into this either. I think we all have. Tons of time, maybe, and space for that. But it comes from usually our childhood, early childhood, where our fingers and our relationship to them can be hindered and then show up throughout our life.

[19:26]

So these are just my fingers, but you could take the pinky, for instance, the realization of separation. That fundamental moment at some time in our early childhood, we learned we're a separate self. Maybe this ring finger could be the fear of judgment, which I don't think I need to explain to anybody. The middle finger, we can call that the finger of just based off of fear. The vulnerability, the protectedness that we may feel that we want to shield ourselves from. And then maybe my pointer could be the loss of unconditional love. We at some point realized that you just don't like me for being me. No, there's cause and effect. And we may feel we have to earn love and that we need to gain approval. So now my intention, my sense of self,

[20:31]

or what I have to offer might be covered up. And then here comes the big old thumb representing the weight of self-doubt, which is usually what these create. So these are some of the components of my personal karma. We all, as you know, have our own unique fingerprints. So you'll have time to get flashes of that, I'm sure, where you're sitting. And these are all parts of our human condition. And over time, we may lose our natural ability to be curious, playful, and may present more rigidity, seriousness, as we protect ourselves against disappointment. And don't get me wrong, this is like a really good skill. We really actually need to be able to close our fingers as humans. However, without guidance, this pattern sometimes stays closed, especially when we need it to be open.

[21:35]

So what practice offers us is we would like to move from a hand that is reactive to one that's responsive. So that's how the fist might have been created. How we experience the fist, especially in Zazen, is quite different. So some of you may know where I was going with this, but in meditation, there's something you will likely definitely experience every period. And we call them the five hindrances. And they're kind of known as two sides of one coin. On the first, you have attachment and aversion. The second one, anxiety or on the opposite side of that coin, torpor or otherwise known as laziness. And then you have a fifth, good old doubt again, usually coming to play after the others have arisen. So the way that these five hindrances work are kind of the energy that your fist puts off.

[22:46]

And, oh, here's my awareness. So what tends to happen is if we let our awareness pay attention, It's not that you don't pay attention to, but give them the hindrances, the full right. You might have your awareness pulling, trying to attach, trying to get more. Or perhaps you're in aversion and you're pushing the fist away. Anxiety, I don't know. You could be pecking at it, tapping at it, trying to get in. And then torpor or laziness. Maybe your awareness is just taking a vacation, leaving you there in the cold. And of course, the fifth doubt and doubt together. I see it more as you're putting your hand over that thumb that's already has you locked up in your complete gridlock. The metaphor works for you.

[23:48]

Good. If not, you can wash your ears out in the hog and trim sink. Some of you will get that joke. So I do want to say that not all energies need to be held. Some things are too much, perhaps, for Zazen. So you may need a different regulation technique. And also, I suggest that these are the type of things that you bring up with teachers. There are several practice leaders here that you can talk to about these wily hindrances. Okay, so are you ready for a somatic exercise? I had to prep you, okay? So this exercise, I'm just trying to provide somewhat of a somatic feel or indication of what happens and how we suffer when we try to control. And instead of just acknowledging the hindrances, which you can do, and we'll leave your hand in awareness and let the hindrances kind of do their thing.

[24:53]

In Zazen, we're really just trying to not manage, but meet yourself in a way that causes less harm. So go ahead, and I invite you to find a posture. You're perhaps already in one, but sit in a position or style that feels more relaxed. So for some of you, that might mean closing your eyes, wiggling a bit, not sitting up as straight. But I do want you to feel the points of contact, especially where your body is supported by the ground or chair. Perhaps some of you folks at home are lying down. Just take a couple of few breaths. No need to do anything special, but just... settling a little bit out of the past 20 minutes of talking.

[25:56]

And now you can go ahead and identify a hand that will symbolize this protective habits and tension. or maybe a gift that you have to give to the world. And you can allow your fingers to start to form a fist. Imagine that this part of you is closed. And I do want to say, don't go with anything too hot and heavy. This is just to get a somatic experience. So maybe imagine something that is rather light or semi-serious in there. And this could represent something you're holding on to, something vulnerable, or like I said, that intention that you set and would like to access. And now with your other hand, your hand of awareness is not settled.

[27:12]

It's captured by the fists. And so what I'd like you to do is try to pry the fist open. You can pull at the fingers. And again, not too forcefully, but enough so that you can feel it. And after you've done some of this pushing and pulling, you can maybe imagine that the hand of awareness is being activated by the five hindrances. So I invite you to work with whatever hindrance you might feel most. If you're grasping, continue to do that. If you're a virgin, try pushing your hand away a couple of times and see how that feels. Shoving it to the side. And as the hand comes back, shove it off again. Perhaps you can now try restlessness. anxiety.

[28:13]

What is that like? And. Sloth or even doubt. OK, so you can go ahead and stop that engagement and just locate your hands back on your knees or to the side. Just take a moment to observe. Notice if there's any tension. Notice if there's any change in your body or your breath. And then just take a moment to take a couple of clearing breaths. And now once again, I would like you to recreate the fist. Again, this is your natural response to life.

[29:16]

It's neither bad or wrong. It is simply just there. Now, with your other hand, the hand of awareness, just rest it first gently on your heart, on your heart. And perhaps cultivate a sense of gentle witnessing. curiosity and non-judgment. Of course, with a sense of affinity. And when you're ready, you can go ahead and gently place the fist in the palm of the hand of awareness. And allow your open hand to just hold the fist lightly in affinity, no agenda, no need to change or fix.

[30:20]

It helps you can imagine this hand lending a, or expressing an unconditional acceptance. Entirely say, it's okay. I see you. I'm here. Try to feel the connection between the open hand and the closed fist. Notice what happens when the fist is simply witnessed and held in compassion rather than controlled. How does it feel to let awareness meet the fist in this way? qualities start to emerge, if any.

[31:28]

What qualities start to drop away. You can gently let go of your hands and place them back to a resting spot. And just notice any shifts in your body or your emotional state in the heart-mind. So the goal is not to reach some state of peace in this, although I will say it's nice, but more so to be at peace with what arises. So in the ox-herding pictures, we see a gradual unfolding of this process of meeting, taming, and ultimately merging with the ox. This journey reflects the heart of Zazen, a heart that cannot be forced, nor can realization be pried open like a fist.

[32:33]

One of the last things I wanted to touch on came up for me during our noon service. And for those of you just joining online, we'll be chanting the self-receiving, the self-fulfilling, excuse me, the self-fulfilling. fulfilling and receiving samadhi. And in chanting it, after kind of thinking of what I was going to say today, there's a line that really stood out for me. And so if you don't know, Dogen is the one who wrote this sutra. And in this self-fulfilling samadhi, in this state, he says mind and object merge. not as something to be grasped or attained, but as a natural expression of just being. And so the line that really stood out for me was all this, however, does not appear within perception because it is it is unconstructedness and stillness.

[33:38]

It is immediate realization. If practice and realization are two things, as it appears to an ordinary person, each could be recognized separately. But what can be met with recognition is not realization itself, because realization is not reached by a deluded mind. In stillness, mind and object merge in realization and go beyond enlightenment. Nevertheless, because you are in the state of self-fulfilling samadhi without disturbing its quality or moving a particle, you extend the Buddha's great hand of activity. of affinity, the incomparably profound and subtle teaching. So in the same way, when we form a fist and we may try to force it open, mistaking that for the act of realization itself. But whatever emerges from that is not realization.

[34:44]

It's not true openness. It's just another layer of grasping. So instead, when we allow the other hand to just simply hold and witness without disturbing or forcing, the fist naturally begins to soften. So this practice mirrors the process of realization, merging with what is present without disturbing its essence. So as we sit, we allow Buddha's great activity to arise, not by forcing, but by simply being present. This is the profound teaching of Zazen, extending realization without moving a particle, just sitting in the vastness of activity. And it closes up here.

[35:48]

So as we sit here in Rohatsu, can you tap into that Buddha body? And of course, in doing so, then you can also extend that affinity to all and everything. As we come to befriend, to welcome and have affinity for ourselves, we can naturally extend that outward to all beings. So that's what Suzuki Roshi spoke about. a practice that has an open heart connection with the world. So I want to close with the poem by Derek Wallach that I think speaks to affinity for the self called Love After Love. The time will come when with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror and each will smile at each other's welcome. or excuse me, at the other's welcome, and say, sit, here, eat.

[36:58]

You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine, give bread, give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all of your life, whom you've ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate nights. Peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life as a last message of inspiration. So as you sit, let each exhale be... We are in a severe warming. A tsunami has been issued. Interesting. I think we're safe here. So we will continue.

[38:00]

And I hope that if there is people in danger, that things go well. But as your hands open in compassion for yourself, may it extend outwards to all beings. And you can take. Two open palms, put them in and bow from your heart to the universe. And the final message I have comes from Hoson Allen Sanaki, who we had a well-being ceremony for yesterday and who has entered hospice. The path is not about fixing ourselves or the world. It's about showing up. open-handed and open-hearted for whatever arises. This is how we meet the world with wisdom and love. With the true merit of

[39:17]

. [...] them. This way is unsurpassable. I bow to

[39:57]

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