Good evening, everybody, bodhisattvas. I'd like to thank Greg for asking me for the title of this talk. It was an enormous help in deciding what I wanted to say. The title of this talk is Zazen, sitting and getting up. And I offer it in the spirit almost of a way-seeking mind talk because I have gone through many transformations in the past year and in coming to a sense of rebirth in Zazen practice. So please bear with me if you've heard about this before.

[01:16]

On September 16, 2008, I was coming back from City Hall where I was doing the paperwork for a wedding ceremony. I had just married two women in the time when same-sex marriage was legal. And as you know, now the cases being heard in a few blocks away this week. And as I was coming back and I decided to take someone out for lunch, and when I miraculously found a parking place and went to put a quarter in that parking place, bam! a wall from a construction site fell on my head and started what's not finished yet, but so far about a year and a quarter, about a year and a quarter since then, recovery process.

[02:28]

So I don't want to go into the gory details, but it's enough to say maybe that everything changed, that I couldn't really use language in the same way or use math or remember a lot of my book learning. So Abhidharma lecture is out of the question this evening, as was studying a lot of new material. But what I would really like to talk about is... what we all share, because an incident like that is part of our karmic life. And we have all sorts of thoughts about things that happen to us, actually about all of our karma. There are three different types of karma. There's what we're born with, we're born with it, what happens to us, and what we do.

[03:35]

And what we do has results, and sometimes it's easy or difficult to see those results. Like, if I eat a one-pound bag of jelly beans every day for a week, I'll probably feel really bad. So it's easy to understand that. But how is one to understand the mysterious things that happen to us? Those causes and conditions are not that easy to see. But if we have a deep belief in causality, we can understand or appreciate that even if we don't know the logic, there is a logic that we can access through Zazen.

[04:49]

Could you get me some hot water, please? Excuse me. So... In a normal period of zazen, we enter the room, we find a cushion, and then we bow to the cushion, and we bow to all beings. Then we sit for a while, then we get up, and then we live. And that's roughly the sequence of events. It is, right? So there's bowing. Sitting here is just like sitting, like the Buddha, sitting on the Bodhi's seat when he decided that tonight was the night that he would attain supreme, perfect enlightenment.

[06:05]

So with that spirit, we bow. It's exactly like Buddha. You know, in the Ehekoso Hotsukamon, it says, Buddhas and ancestors of old were as we. We, in the future, shall be Buddhas and ancestors. Revering Buddhas and ancestors, we are one Buddha and one ancestor. Awakening Bodhi mind, we are one Bodhi mind. So we're not separate from the Buddha bowing to his seat. And actually that's how we make the Buddha's activity real today is by bowing to our seat and bowing, turning. bowing to all beings. A lot of times we say bow to the seat and bow away from the seat.

[07:10]

But we're not bowing away from anything. The moment we turn around, we're bowing to all beings. And, you know, if we put our hands up and bow to all beings, if we're really in the bow, they'll probably bow back. You know, or there'll be a feeling of... complete meeting. Like the Buddha mind becomes expressed in this body and mind every time we bow and every time we sit. Commercial. Please sit, Zazen, for a few seconds while I recover my voice. And what do you do when you start to sit zazen? It could be a 40-minute period.

[08:15]

It could be a one-minute period. But at the beginning of every period, let's try it right now. If you want to check out, don't believe me. Don't believe what I say. Even if it's something simple like this, please check it out for yourself. It might not be true. or even if it was true before, it might not be true this time. So check it out. Don't just believe me. But what I'm putting forward now is every time we sit, we park our legs in some yoga position, and we adjust ourselves evenly and equally on the two buttock bones. Finding an equal contact with the earth We raise the trunk up so that between the heaven and earth, there's one upright line of intention with the flesh and blood of a body making it live.

[09:32]

And that's Buddha's intention. and our hands, our feet, our trunk, our eyes, and our ears. And then, at the end of the period, often a bell rings. And if we're at home, often the alarm clock goes or the incense burns down. There's something. that reminds us, oh yeah, it's time to stop sitting and it's time to arise. And then we bow and we turn around and it's like being born. The world is different. Unless we didn't sit zazen during the time we thought we were going to sit zazen. The world is different. It's new. So just like that,

[10:35]

A period of illness or injury can be just like a period of zazen if it starts with a bow. And I think it's really important to make that bow and to have that moment of acceptance so that you don't spend the whole time of dealing with a piece of karma like that saying, it's not fair, it's not fair, but rather accept what has happened, whether it's sickness, whether it's old age, whether it's death, whether it's destruction, whether it's just getting something we don't want or not getting something that we do. It has to be a moment when, oh, okay, I'm going to bow to that seat. and I'm going to turn around and bow to all beings, and then I will sit down.

[11:40]

And I will sit up, upright, in the midst of those causes and conditions with that one intention of Buddha mind and the flesh and bones and blood of this body and mind. It's something like, have you ever... seeing one of those labs in which there are materials that are difficult to work with, and so there's gloves. And the person who's working in the lab puts his or her hands in the gloves and can do many things. So it's almost as if the Buddha puts his or her hands in the glove of this body to do the things that need to be done. in normal circumstances. And so there has to be that moment of understanding the context.

[12:43]

Yes, I bow to this karma as part of that. Yes, I bow to all beings as my friends and sangha in this life. And that's called right view. It's called abandoning fixed view. So abandoning fixed view can be very ordinary. And right view is actually the first pada of the eightfold path, the first limb of the eightfold path. So it means that whatever has happened and whatever arises, instead of turning away from it, one turns towards it with a sense of refuge. One turns towards one's life. taking refuge in the Buddha. And it doesn't mean losing sight of the fact that there's suffering involved in that situation.

[13:52]

It's very difficult to be sick or old. Someone said, it's not for sissies. Was that you, Blanche? I think he said, getting old isn't... It was... Who was it? Wait, who was it? Benny Davis? Okay, so Zen K. Blanche Hartman Roshi quoting the bodhisattva, the great bodhisattva Benny Davis said, getting old is not for sissies. Getting sick is not for sissies. Karma is not for sissies. Human life is not for sissies. And And so one recognizes the suffering of the situation as the structure of the situation. That the suffering, one looks into the situation only because one has accepted that there's suffering.

[14:58]

So it's almost like any other kind of recovery to... Turn towards what is. And because of that unbiased view, you can develop an intention about your life. We can develop an intention about our life. I could develop an intention about my life. I am going to recover 100%. That's my intention. Actually... because I know that I probably do about 10% of what I say, I'm going to recover 1,000%. Okay? And so right view is about knowing, about knowing the direction. But right intention is about doing. It's the preliminary karma or the motivation for doing.

[16:02]

And what we tend not to notice or not to know or not to understand when we do almost anything is that difficulty and resistance are just part of that. And they come about because of our ongoing desire to have it be a different way than it actually is. I hope this is making sense. And then... You know, we have some guidelines about how to act, and they're called the precepts. We say them once a month on the full moon. And some other time, I will actually talk about them one by one in a physical way. But for today, I'd just like to say, taking refuge in the Buddha is the source of all the precepts. And each precept is an expression. of a facet of how to take refuge in Buddha.

[17:06]

And so the fourth part of the path, right, livelihood, means what do we actually do? What do we do to support ourselves? And in the sickness or recovery process from the injury, I found that actually one of the things I had to do to support myself was just to accept that everyone was supporting me. That was the hardest part. So that I could be free to make right effort, right effort or wise effort in the situation means understanding Right view, right intention, right action, and right livelihood. Those four rights, those four beginning rights, train how to make right effort.

[18:11]

They're kind of strength training for right effort. And right effort means you don't do too much, you don't do too little, you just do the right amount, a wise amount for you. And so it's training in will. I'll do this. It's a very simple type of training. And it's main... The main... The gist of right effort is how do you unite your intention with results? Okay? So... I wanted to go over a little bit about those parts of the Eightfold Path because we talk so much about right mindfulness and right concentration here. And often we don't talk about the other parts of the path quite as much.

[19:17]

But in a recovery process, it's necessary to start at the beginning and to do the simple things that we might otherwise overlook. So I wanted to bring that up and then to say just a little bit about some of the things that I've done as part of this recovery. Now, I don't mean to just hold up me and say, I did this, I did that. But somehow taking refuge in Buddha produced creativity even though my brain was injured. even though my thinking process wasn't very clear, it was taking refuge that produced the next thing to do and gave me the strength to do it. So in this year and a quarter, I've been doing physical therapy, speech therapy, vision rehab to work with nerve damage in my eye,

[20:30]

I've relearned addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, decimals, fractions, word problems. And I started a little bit of geometry, but it just all broke down at geometry and algebra, so I have to practice the other things a little bit more before I can regain algebra. And then with reading, I started reading with Hop on Pop, Green Eggs and Ham, Good Night Moon, and progressed to months and months of books about 13-year-olds. And then lately just discovered that Cambridge and Oxford graded English readers that go up 300 words. So it starts with 300 words. that you're supposed to know, and goes all the way up to 3,800 words that you're supposed to know.

[21:35]

And so I'm at about level five out of seven of those readers now. And what I'm trying to do is rebuild or build, maybe it'll be different, maybe it'll be the same, I don't know, but try to rebuild a world of associations. I feel like if I can grasp logic, then I can take this word salad that my mind is right now and be able to turn it towards studying Abhidharma and understanding again some of the language skills that I've lost. So it's not me, me, me. It's not like that. It's like, how can you be willing just to be at the place where you are and not give in to the despair that arises with everything that you can't do that you used to be able to do. That's what I've been working with.

[22:37]

How does one just sit? And just sit each time it comes time to practice arithmetic or, you know, English. And just sit for that period of time. Let it settle with all the earthiness. wateriness of zazen, with all the fire of discipline and will, with all the air of the possibility of change that we have. How do we do that? How do we allow ourselves to be just these elements and this stuff that's loosely held together by an intention? And then arise and meet the world in a new and different way at the end of that period of time. So now I've spoken for about a half hour, and I think what I'll do right now is just stop.

[23:43]

And I think that my questions probably have something in common with your questions, your comments, or your process. And so I'd like to open this up for all of us to take forward a different step. So no need to raise your hand. It's okay to speak. And if two people speak at the same time, then one person, please do the right thing. Because I don't want to be like, it's not like a, we've done the little vertical transmission bit. at this point, and now it's time for horizontal transmission, which means I don't really want to call on you. I want you to say things if you have anything to say. sounds like I'm defining present moment for myself a little bit more than sitting and being with what is is the present moment that is an excellent point

[25:27]

So in Zazen, you know, another name for Zazen is Shikantaza. You know, which the ta-za means hit, sit. You know, it's like contact. So yeah, I think that's what Zazen is. It's moment after, no, not even moment after moment, but this moment This moment, this moment, this moment, what is? Can we realize the whole truth on this little piece of earth right now with and for everyone? So thank you for saying that in a different way. It brings a dimension to Zazen practice that I hadn't... but which is really true.

[26:33]

Wait a second. Aren't you in Canada? You must know something about zazen. let me see if I understand, also for the benefit of the tape. So it sounds like the piece of your time away that you're evoking is the resume, which sounds like a task that you didn't really want to do.

[27:52]

But when you sat down every day, you could do it, and it only was 20 minutes. Welcome back. So wait a second. So you're saying that pretty much what happened was the intention came in the moment and then you could follow the intention. It was like watering the intention or nourishing the intention. And suddenly there's this flower and fruit of being right here in San Francisco.

[28:52]

Yes. That's right. And what's so interesting about what you're saying now is that it's another aspect of awakening. Another aspect of the enlightened mind is perspective. It's not that enlightenment is perspective. It's that awakening gives perspective. It's not that all perspective is awakening. But I think the kind of perspective that comes from taking refuge in the Buddha with and for all beings, moment after moment, or in this moment, is what we're talking about.

[30:01]

And it can be realized by something like writing an intention, by writing a resume, because that's your intention. Yeah. Thank you. Welcome back. Who's there? Oh, hi. Yes. Realizing the truth with and for all beings. Well, truth is dharma. And dharma is a very interesting word because it means the teaching. But it also means experience. It means the experience of everyone who has ever practiced it. It means the Buddha's experience and the words that describe his experience.

[31:03]

And it means how things is and how things are. How it is and how things are. So dharma means all of those things. And it also means a law or a way of doing things. Thank you for asking this because I didn't realize that I knew this. I didn't realize that I remembered this. And your question is helping me remember what's so wonderful about Dharma and how great it is and how that one word means so many different things and they're all true and they're all about truth. So it's an amazing, just Dharma, just the word Dharma is an amazing teaching. But one of the things about Dharma, like the Buddha Dharma, is that what makes the Buddha Dharma different from just Dharma, duty or Dharma, a moment of experience, is that the Buddha is awake.

[32:11]

And what is the Buddha awake to? Well, the Buddha's intention was to not waste his life, to address the suffering that he saw when he left the sheltered part of his life, to address the suffering that his chariot driver said was all of our condition. And so his vow, the Buddha's vow, and I think the Buddha's vow in if we look deep enough The Buddha's vow, the vow of awakening, and the bodhisattva vow, the vow of an awakening being, is that I'm going to wake up, and I'm going to wake up because it's the human condition.

[33:12]

So my waking up will help everyone and be on their behalf, not just on my own behalf. Or if it's on my own behalf, it's because I'm really happiest when everyone is happy and awake and free. And so it's not some special formula that we memorize. It's how we really feel. And I truly believe that you wouldn't be in this room. You wouldn't have come here if that weren't already what was... deepest and most important in your life. So I really, truly, it's not that I kind of believe it, it's more that I really feel a heart-to-heart connection with you, with you, because you're my

[34:21]

who share this life, which is our real life and not some made-up thing that has less value. It's our real life that we really care about to wake up with and for all beings. So that's what I mean. And, you know... You would never, you, Stephen Davidowitz, would never have gone to the trouble of asking for priest ordination and being patient with that for so long or work in the Tassajara Reservations Office, taking down people's reservations and so on. But the magic part is that you do that in a spirit that takes care of everybody, and that taste and that flavor doesn't just affect life in this room.

[35:33]

It actually affects everyone. It affects global warming for you to do that because it brings sensitivity into the world. that will change people's lives. Just like intention changes Curtis's life in a mysterious way, that intention that you realize changes everybody's life as well in a very mysterious way. And one of our biggest tools in this situation in which karma just falls on us and we have no idea, is a deep faith that although the workings of intention and karma are mysterious, that it wakes us up and wakes everybody up if it's received in the right way and responded to with wisdom and

[36:52]

compassion. I hope this makes sense. I mean, that was a very long sentence that I was making phrase by phrase, so I hope it hung together. But, yeah. It's our responsibility. This kid is our responsibility. I don't want to banish the kid's infraction.

[37:55]

I don't want to take responsibility to the kid. I don't know what to do. Yeah, I think the first thing you have to do is... Sure. Yeah, I know. It's just like any situation in which... And we're getting maybe this... might be the last question, okay? Because I want to give you the opportunity to sleep, too. And this is an important question. Like, is this real? How do we put our money where our mouth is with a situation that's like that? And I'd like to bring up a situation as a parable, as a story. And This is a situation in which my big sister, my elder Dharma sister, and I disagreed about how to handle someone who was breaking the rules and going through limits.

[39:03]

Okay? And this was, again, this was Zenke Roshi, and I disagreed because... You were holding up the side of compassion, and I was holding up the side of limits. So I had to hold up the side of limits because I was the director, and it was my job. I'm looking at Anna because I'm sure she understands. So I was the city center director, and it was my job to hold up the limits. And I wasn't... the most skillful person in the world either. I was, just like all of us, I was studying skill and trying to develop it, but there were big blind spots in me. So the first thing to do, the first thing that I found that I had to do was to let go of my reactions to what this person was doing, and it was bad. The things that they were doing were very difficult for everybody and created a lot of

[40:10]

disharmony and dissonance for people. Of course, if we were very, very wise, who knows, maybe we would even invite in various challenges so that we could practice certain types of skill. But we were not that advanced. So it was, oh no, what will we do? So I said, the person had to be banished. And Blanche said, the person did not have to be banished. So we disagreed on what to do. And Blanche was holding up the side of unconditional love, unconditional acceptance. This person wants to practice. This person wants to learn. That's unconditional love. This person is our Sangha member. This person is our child.

[41:13]

And I was holding up the side of, okay, if this person may not come to the front door and scream, may not do the other things that they were doing, if that person does do those things, I will call the authorities, will take the person away for examination, And we will have to develop a plan for how this person re-enters this space, which is supposed to be a safe space for everyone. Needless to say, there was a lot of discussion. And that it took both of us to hold up the situation. It took that disagreement to tell the story of that situation. So the next thing I would say is... hear all the voices inside of you, and allow there to be a conversation. But as the teacher, or maybe as the teacher and the administration, you have a job to hold safety for everyone in that room.

[42:30]

As an adult protecting a child, you have a job to teach the child and to love the child. So I guess my answer is, I don't know, you're the teacher. Thank you for the question. It will play itself out. If you hold a pure intention and let go of everything that's unwholesome in your own mind, And if you stay curious and have the conversation, it might be like me. You might need someone else to play one of those roles. Or you might be more skillful than I. So thank you for that question. And I think that it's time for all Zen monks to stretch

[43:34]

their legs, fluff their cushions, and begin to think about rest. Okay? So I'll close this discussion and be glad to hold this discussion with you for many years. Okay? Thank you very much for your attention.

[43:58]

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