. [...] Is that okay?

[01:23]

Good evening, once again. I thought I start with some... notion about myself. Usually, or almost always, I'm very nervous when I come here and speak in front of people. It's almost like an anxiety. I didn't have that all the time. When I was younger, actually, I didn't have that. But for the last couple of years, it's pretty steady. And what I try to do is, well, when it's really acute and it's very severe, I can't just bear it, so to speak. I just try to be with it and knowing, in a mix of knowing and hoping it'll cease at some point.

[02:27]

And in other times, like sitting zazen, I sometimes, when it comes up in feelings or thoughts or in different ways, I try to attend to it in a more physical way. So try to feel where in the body, do I actually feel anxious or frightened or nervous or whatever. And by doing that, most of the times there are kind of thought links and emotions coming up together with that attention to the body and this is usually a way where or a point where this anxiety or this nervousness this tension ceases somewhat it's like almost like

[03:36]

some part of my thinking and mental mind is sinking into the body and by that something is relieved. And I thought I'd share this with you. I'm not so sure if it's a good sign that I'm still very nervous after all this years. So the method is working and sometimes it's not working at least in terms of that there would be no nervousness so in the class Paul kind of was so kind to present some threads I can follow and he didn't speak about those very famous sentences in the Genju Koan so I will today and later I would like to speak about the self which is kind of studied in Dorgan's text or as we are encouraged to study it also in psychotherapeutic terms and see if this is of any benefit.

[04:59]

So first I'd like us to chant together those lines and I think most of you know it Our translation of the Kenjo Koran by Khaas, I think many of us know, and the others just follow a lot. To study the way... Let me start. To study the Buddha way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things. When actualized by myriad things, your body and mind, as well as the bodies and minds of others, drop away. Yeah, there's no trace there. So how do we do study? In a way, I always feel when I read this, this is a very kind offering by Dogen.

[06:05]

very down to earth very simple language and it's just you know well just he's not saying that but just sit down turn the light inward and study what is there right watch what's there and then the rest will follow I find that's very kind and in a way simple and encouraging but then as you all know Most of you know, maybe. In a way, we can't do it. We can't do zazen, right? In a way, we have to let zazen do whatever needs to be done. Shohaku Akamura translated the term, which is the kanji sign for study in his Dogen text, He said it's called Nauru or Narau.

[07:09]

I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but let's say Nauru. And this kanju sign is actually made out of two parts. The other part is the sign for a bird flying. And the lower part is the sign for self. And so the way to translate it according to him is more like getting familiar with, getting accustomed to, or trying to be intimate with. And this already sounds a little different than what we usually think study is, right? For us, study would be like, okay, reading a text, trying to understand it, and so forth. But that's not actually what Dogen meant, supposedly. almost like and this is again Okamura to study something like a baby bird studies to fly like the parents I like that picture you know and this is true for human babies also they really look very carefully right if you watch babies they look very very carefully what you're doing then sometimes they try it out themselves right

[08:35]

try some movement. And they do that a lot, almost all day. And they're also, and this is, what do I say? This is an experience as well as a theory, I would say. They're also, by looking very careful and trying to imitate sometimes, they're also feeling very careful. They're very aware of what's happening in the body. Actually, when you were a baby or when we were babies, we didn't have much more than physical sensations. That's all we had, right? At least for the first, let's say six months. And we didn't have any language. We didn't have concepts to what was going on in the body. We just had that sensation. And sometimes it was pleasant and sometimes it was unpleasant.

[09:37]

And so, and I don't know about neutral in babies actually, but let's go with pleasant and unpleasant. So if something would be pleasant, you see the baby smile, right? And if it's unpleasant, it would be kind of getting more and more agitated and So to return to this notion of becoming intimate with something in sitting, in Zazen, through our physical experience, I think is very important. In a way, a text like the Genju Kwan, to me, can't understand here. It's not possible. There are some little parts maybe that you can make sense of also intellectually. And of course you can have a lot of knowledge about the history and so forth.

[10:45]

But what Dogen tries to express, you can't really get or grasp intellectually. It's not possible. And I think that's what he's trying to say. Gamora once again, like the baby bird which from birth on has the potential to fly, we humans have the potential to awaken to our true nature. In the same way that flying is the essential activity that enables a bird to be a bird, studying the self allows us humans to be human. And then in this tradition, For one thing, we just sit. And that for another thing, we do a lot of other stuff.

[11:48]

And this is also studying the self, getting intimate to what's going on here. And this is very much about Sangha, actually. Living in a community and... practicing together, we bump in each other all the time, right? And sometimes it feels pleasant and sometimes it's not so pleasant. And at that point I can say sometimes it's neutral. But this is also study, yeah? Or to go to the teacher, go to Doku-san and get some feedback. and then figure out what that means. Hearing something, and then you sit with it, and then something completely different might happen than you thought, or what you first thought the teacher said.

[12:54]

And we have different positions. We usually, when we stay for a longer time, we kind of go through, and this is also studying the self. very much meant to study the self, to get intimate with how you express this role or this position, to learn something. Before I go and change gears into more psychotherapeutic things, I'd like us to do a little exercise. Please close your eyes and take three deep breaths. And then turn your attention towards your posture, towards your body.

[14:02]

simply try to be aware about how you sit. How does this posture right now feels? And then try to sense almost like seeing or hearing, keep your eyes closed and try to sense the space around you. So what do you feel in front of you with your body? What is the sensation? What are you feeling? What is the perception when you just try to feel space around you with your body? Do you feel in your back?

[15:10]

Is that different? How is it different? And to the left and to the right. It's almost like listening through your body. take another deep breath. You may open your eyes again if you wish. So we could say in a way this is not difficult. It's a simple description what we can do during Zazen.

[16:21]

And then as we all also know, this is not what usually happens. So many other things happen. Like you are thinking and you sometimes are aware of the thinking. And sometimes you are carried away by thinking. You telling yourself old stories about your life or other lives or whatever. Sometimes we are very busy with what's going on outside. Might be noises or sounds or if you sit with your eyes half open or a little bit open, also what comes into your sight might be in your awareness, in your perception. So it's a simple description, but it's not that easy to do it.

[17:22]

And why is that so? get a taste what the psychotherapeutic sense to God is, what actually psychotherapeutic notion of self or ego is, and also maybe explaining why it's not so easy for us to just be aware of this. And I would like to start with four basic emotions all humans have this is kind of our basic setup in core two emotions so those four basic emotions are pretty simple it's fear joy pain pain or grief and anger and those are not

[18:29]

good or bad in itself. And as I say this, I know that many of us feel that some of those basic emotions are not good. Being angry, most of us, I think, brought up like, it's not so good. So there's already a judgment about those emotions. And some of them, we feel pretty easy with, or we like them, like joy and all those feelings, happiness. And others, we really dislike fear. No one likes fear, I guess, or painful feelings also. Most often are not, are basically disliked, even though it's sad we get very used to that. To just take anger as one example, how you can see anger also, is without anger, no one here would actually do anything.

[19:49]

We wouldn't eat, we wouldn't go somewhere, we wouldn't accomplish anything. Without aggressive impulses and aggressive feelings and emotions, as a driving force, nobody actually would do anything. An animal which doesn't have some sort of aggression will simply die. It will not go for food. So we actually need these kind of emotions. And maybe to some surprise, anger is also very helpful in relationships. As a psychotherapist, often couples come to me and say, well, we have problems. We don't talk to each other anymore and many, many other things. And when I ask them, well, what are you actually different?

[20:51]

Why is actually a conflict? They can't tell. And then I ask, well, when did you have your last fight? And they say, we never fight. And that's maybe, that's the point where I usually say, well, that's a problem. If you never disagree in a close relationship and when you never have a conflict which you solve in one or the other way, this relationship probably doesn't last very long. The experience that you can have a fight, that you can be angry with someone, and the other person still stays and is still loving you, is not just turning and going away, can be very important.

[21:51]

And it's actually increasing the binding of the relationship, very much so. Sex does. Sex increases binding. but anger also. And those basic emotions are one part, according to psychotherapy, are one part of our self, of our ego. A different part of this self, of this ego, are our very basic needs. And in this case, I have only speak about psychological needs. So those basic needs are being or feeling close physically and emotionally, experiencing safe binding, and on the contrast, also having a sense of autonomy and a sense of safety and

[23:01]

There are a couple of more, but these are the basic ones. So the way you express those needs, the way you handle the conflicts which arise within those needs. Sometimes you wish to be close to someone and sometimes you don't. is also part of the self, part of your ego structure. Or you can also say part of your character. At last, but not least, there are defense mechanisms. Paul already kind of listed three, I think. And those are kind of, They are in many ways very important.

[24:05]

They come into life very early and they develop over the first 20 years or so in different ways. And defense mechanism means there are certain ways we try to keep feelings, impulses, fantasies out of our consciousness so by definition those mechanisms are unconscious usually when they're at work we don't notice and also they are normal and healthy it's not that they're in and of themselves are pathological everyone here has defense mechanisms And when we would not have them, we would probably all be psychotic and run away.

[25:08]

But they can also become, over lifetime, become a hindrance, become a source of mental disorder, in quotation marks, and a source of suffering. And they can be a source of not being able to turn towards and experience what's going on in the moment. So they are both. They are normal, they are healthy, and they can cause suffering. So this whole process of the psychological development of a human being is very complicated and complex and takes a long time. And with each step, we more and more identify with what's already happened.

[26:19]

And the structure, the psychic structure by that gets more and more complex and more and more solid. And in the end, we call this character. We call that self. That's me. And we don't have a doubt about that. That's me. And also the notion. That's me today and probably me tomorrow also. And this is not completely off, right? But also, as we know, there's a problem. I hope by saying all this at least it becomes clear why it is not so simple and easy to just sit there and be aware of this fear. It's not. We are very complex and very complicated.

[27:21]

And we have many unconscious mechanisms which try to prevent to open up to. everything what is. So I'm going to tell you a list now with all the defense mechanisms, not all, most of them. And please don't memorize them or try to understand them. I just kind of give you a, try to give you a notion of how many there are and how they are called. I was, by looking up the English terms, I'm not familiar with most of the English terms of that, and looking at different websites, American National Health websites, and the American Association of Psychiatry, and so forth, I was actually pretty surprised about those lists. And I was most surprised about what was not in there, what was missing, which is, from this point of view, very interesting.

[28:29]

Those who were missing most were mechanisms like idealization and putting down. Wow. Somaticizing was not always there. And protective identification I missed also a couple of times. But they are kind of special I think there's a story for why they are missing. One story is, it's actually, to my mind, it's a funny story. The DSM-5, which is the categorizing, the American categorizing for mental health disorders, had, many years ago, had a list with personality disorders where also the narcissistic personality disorder was listed.

[29:35]

And some years ago, the American part of the psychiatric world kind of got rid of that. So this is not there anymore. There's no narcissistic personality disorder anymore. Which is kind of funny because there is of course, but it's not a category anymore. And those defense mechanisms put it down, are main defense mechanisms for that personality disorder. So this makes it a little more understandable. One American colleague once said, well, you know, being narcissistic is not a problem. It's not pathological. You know, it's just how we are. And I was thinking, okay. that's the case. So here's the list.

[30:40]

And they are categorized, these defense mechanisms are categorized in various ways and I will just use one which I found most helpful. So there are immature ones and these are called psychotic denial, delusional projection and basically those two. So a very basic denial and a very basic projection are maybe together with splitting internal psychological images, those three are maybe the earliest defense mechanisms we develop. And so a person who is psychotic circuit just sees devils on the wall. So everything which might be very frightening inside is just projected outside.

[31:44]

And he might be afraid of us, of myself or others and projecting everything which is frightening onto them. And this can become a whole system of paranoia. So other Still immature, but not that immature defense mechanisms are passive-aggressive. As I said, idealization, projective identification, putting down, and somaticizing. Somaticizing is one of those I get back to later. And then are more mature ones, intellectualization. reaction, formation, dissociation. Dissociation can be very early or immature and can be quite mature. It can be both displacement and regression.

[32:46]

And the most mature ones are actually kind of interesting. Humor, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation. So Freud actually called humor and sublimation. With sublimation, by sublimation it's meant that you have a desire, a need, a wish for something, but it's not in reach. Sorry to have a simple example, you know, you're with your wife for 50 years, and after 50 years she said, well, I quit on sex. But you still, you on your side still have wanting for sex. And so you just put that energy somewhere else. Kind of go into arts or take another hobby or go play golf, whatever. So this is sublimation, you know. You just take the energy, put it somewhere else where it's still not unhealthy at least.

[33:53]

Still somewhat beneficial. So I want to go and explore a couple of them a little bit more in detail and see how we can work with them in this practice. So one of the most common is denial. And there are many forms of denial. Like the psychotic denial, you can just kind of completely deny what's actually going on in reality, in the reality we usually perceive. You can just say, no, it's not that way. deny everything. And then there are subtle forms of denial, like it's a very common defense mechanism in all sorts of addiction. It's very typical for us when we are addicted to something. So you deny that this substance is any good or you deny it

[34:59]

someone asks you or approaches you, confront you, you just deny that you have any problem with that. Or at least you say, well, I take it and I know it's not good, but I can quit anytime. So these are all forms of denial. The way someone would say this, you know right away, okay, there's something off, but that's not quite true. there is the somaticizing. And the somaticizing is very important, not only because it causes so much trouble, and so many people suffer from chronic pain, for example, or from other physical symptoms, which are basically not physical in the course, that it's good to look at those.

[36:10]

And I think most of us have experience with that. If you have a headache or you have a back pain and you somehow know, well, I didn't do anything terrible and I'm not feeling sick otherwise. So it might have something to do with what's going on emotionally or in my thought process or... So what basically happens is, this is actually psychologically a very complicated process, but to put it simple, there's some unbearable feeling or need which is so unpleasant and to your psychic system feels so unbearable that you put it into your body and express it through your body. there might be some painful things going on in your life and you know this kind of but you're not willing or able to open to it completely so your body will express it I give a little example of myself when I stayed at Tassajara at one point in the kitchen I got pretty bad backache and

[37:35]

you could say, well, kitchen work is hard and many people have back problems when they're working in the kitchen a longer time. But actually, that wasn't the whole story. The story which then by sitting kind of came up at one point was that before I went to Tassahara, I had a relationship with someone and she got actually pregnant. She knew that I would go to Tassahara and I would leave and she actually as it turned out did that by purpose kind of got pregnant by purpose um so then she what i said well i i'm going anyway i'm not staying and so she had an abortion and all that time till that point at tasahara i didn't feel the pain of that abortion He was still alive, which was killed, you could say, and it was painful and I didn't, really didn't want to hop to it.

[38:41]

And that was sitting in my back. It was actually that little baby, you are not, unborn baby, which was crying and was sitting in my back. Those things are very common. They happen a lot. How can we work in this Zen, in this setting? How can we work with those things, with this self, with this ego structure? And looking at those defense mechanisms, I would actually say the easiest thing, the best thing you can do is invite others to give you feedback. For yourself, sometimes it's hard to see because they are by nature unconscious. And I know if you sit a long time for many years and have done maybe psychotherapy a lot, you know some of them for yourself.

[39:47]

But the moment they're at work, they are unconscious. We don't know them. But others might easily notice. So there's a benefit of Sangha at that point to invite people to give you feedback. Yeah. You can work with your teacher and he or she will give you feedback. And it's maybe not directly about a certain or specific defense mechanism, but they play out in the way you act, in the way you behave. So then, knowing that a them a little, you can then later kind of put things together and be a little bit more aware and understand a little bit more, a little better how that works. And I would also say basically be kind with them.

[40:52]

Be generous to them. It's not so much about changing them or getting rid of them. It's more like becoming, like Dolben said, become intimate, become close to them, know them. So that if there are tight moments, if things come at you and you have difficulties, you might be able to choose a different path and not repeat what you might have sufferingly repeat already earlier. all your life. So this is the notion of psychotherapy. And people come to us and what psychoanalytic oriented past psychotherapy tries to do is to make you conscious of your inner process which leads to the suffering. So that then if you're more conscious of it, the next time you have choice.

[41:59]

You could still do the same thing if you like, but you might choose differently because the other way was so painful. I have a whole list of depressive disorder, symptoms, things here. But maybe I stop for a moment here and open up to questions. There might be a lot of questions because this is very heady. These are concepts on top of concepts, on top of concepts, right? So, are there any questions? My question is about how to give feedback in a constructive way.

[43:11]

If someone is sort of caught up in one of those defense mechanisms, they're obviously in a reactive state. So giving feedback when someone's in that state sometimes could even agitate the person more. So, yeah, how do... Defense mechanisms are not a state of mind in itself. They are just part of our psychic structure. And the first thing I would say is ask if someone likes to have a feedback. That might be the first thing to know. And then it's not about feedback about their inner psychic process. It's very hard, actually, and we are not trained. And even for a psychotherapist, this is a dangerous field. We stay out of that very long in the process of psychotherapy.

[44:15]

And very late, we got a lady in there. So it's more about the feedback of the behavior you're experiencing and you're seeing. So I would say stay away from interpreting anything but just if you're invited give a feedback about what you see them doing and behaving and it's always also an invitation to look here right behind you okay I would like to ask the flip side of that question. How do you elicit feedback well and receive it well? Well, I would say try to think of how you would get feedback.

[45:27]

What would be the way you could take it best and most easy? And that way... that way might be the best way to give it on to you. Yeah, but I was asking about exactly what you just said. How do you know what is best for you in terms of how to receive it? I'm not quite sure if I get the question. So, The previous question was, how do you effectively provide feedback? I'm asking, how do you effectively receive feedback, and also elicit it, as in ask for it effectively? Well, I would say try to stay as present

[46:33]

that relationship and that moment as you can. Try to stay as open and kind towards yourself and the other person as you can. And by that you might receive it best. There's not a technique as far as I know. And it might be very, the situations might be very different. you might get a very positive feedback from someone who likes you anyway or you might get a difficult feedback from someone you don't know so well and that's why I say be aware of the fact if someone actually likes feedback and maybe each time you're not sure ask I worked in a clinic in Germany for many years where actually the basis of that psychotherapeutic setting was the psychotherapeutic community.

[47:40]

And then everyone who came into that clinic kind of vowed, so to speak, to be open to feedback. That was one of the basic things you have to do to receive the treatment. And that's very effective. But I learned here that not everyone, want to say that, always likes the idea of getting feedback. We're at times, this may be the last question. Thanks for your talk. I'm curious, I used to be really interested in feedback and I took it all very much to heart.

[48:41]

And then I was lucky to be involved in a very strange situation about which many people gossiped. And I came into a crowd that all had gossiped about this strange situation, and I saw that they all reacted completely differently based on their own conditioning. You know, some came up and were really sweet to me, and some scowled and went off in the other direction. I mean, just the whole gamut of possible responses. And if I had asked them all for feedback, I would have gotten every type of feedback under the sun. So I'm curious about... After that, I just scrapped feedback entirely. I thought, this is all about them. None of this is about me at all. And I'm curious what your advice or thoughts might be about from whom feedback is important and what type of feedback even to bother with.

[49:46]

Well, as I said, you can invite people. Not everyone should just come up to you and say, well, I see you with that, I see you with this, or whatever. You can choose. And I would trust that you choose someone who might be mindful and kind and kind of sensible, the feedback. So that's one answer. And the other answer is, depending on how we are structured psychologically, to receive or take feedback can be very hard we might be structured in a way that our psychological borders are not functioning so well and that we have a hard time to discern what kind of feedback and what part of the feedback might be helpful and not helpful or we might be structured and defending ourselves in a way that even to allow feedback is already impossible

[50:59]

And even if someone would say something, we would not bother or not hear it anyway. So we are all very different in this regard. So take that in account when you ask for feedback. Okay. I would like to end with us... sitting once again and feeling our bodies. So please close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Feel your body, feel your posture. and sense what's going on around you through your body.

[52:11]

And see if you can stay within your body as well with the space around you. Can both be part of your awareness. Take another deep breath. Exhale fully. And open your eyes, if you wish. Thank you very much. In your heart, the center, the place, and the breathing and place,

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