This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. First of all, I'd like to thank Lee, who invited me. And then I'd like to thank Blanche and Jordan. And in his absence, they have it. Thank you all. So wise speech is one of my favorite topics to talk about because it's one of the hardest to practice. And it's something that I work at all the time. So sometimes I will read from my talk, and then other times I'll just talk freely. Everyone can hear me correct?

[01:00]

Okay. No, I just need to raise my voice. Is that better? Okay, great. The Buddha said he came to teach and teach one thing only. There is suffering and there is an end to suffering. We are all familiar with the Eightfold Path. Tonight I'd like to focus on wise speech. The Buddha was precise in his description of right speech. He defined it as abstinence from false speech, abstinence from malicious speech, abstinence from harsh speech, and abstinence from idle chatter. In the vernacular, this means not lying, not using speech in ways that create discord among people, not using swear words, or

[02:01]

a cynical, hostile, or raised tone of voice, and not engaging in gossip. Reframed in the positive, these guidelines urge us to say only what is true, to speak in ways that promote harmony among people, to use a tone of voice that is pleasing, kind, and gentle, and to speak mindfully in order that our speech is useful and purposeful. And that's a quote from the Buddha. So for me, language is really important, not because I wrote a dissertation, but because I love words.

[03:07]

And sometimes a word might suggest one meaning and have a different meaning. So in Buddhist time, I'm assuming or I'm making an assumption here that right was the way the word was interpreted before speech. I use wise speech and some of the teachings in different ways Different traditions may use wise speech as opposed to right. I find that using the word wise is a way to have a goal to achieve towards something. So the right takes it out of a duality of this way or that way. But this is something to obtain. This is something to practice. This is something to work towards. So wise livelihood, wise action, wise speech. May I be wise in my speech. So this is really hard practice.

[04:09]

Wise speech is a mindfulness practice. I say it's hard because of all the things that was just mentioned, from gossiping to not swearing, to not lying, to not using speech to create discord, to not hurt someone, Those are hard things to practice to not do, just on a regular basis. So you may be engaged with your partner or your child or someone at work or your teacher. It's constantly you're talking, and you may not always think about what you're saying. So the practice is not just what comes out here, but what goes on in here. So what happens before it even comes out your mouth? And you know, sometimes you'll say something or I've said something and I'm like, oh, I didn't say that. And then you pray, please, Lord, let me pull this back. And you can't. It's out.

[05:10]

It's gone. And the impact of what you said is visible. The person may not be able to articulate it or they may not be able to say something, but from maybe their body language or their expression on their face or something, you might receive or feel a response if they're not able to articulate it. So what you say, not only are you responsible for, but it has an impact. And it's also part of your practice, or part of our practice. As I said, wise speech is a mindful practice. By undertaking this practice, we commit to great awareness of our body, mind, and emotions. because everything we do is noticed. If you've taught, or you've been around young children, or you're given an example, everything you're doing is being watched, from your gestures, to the expressions on your face, to your body language.

[06:20]

For example, when I came in here, I have been practicing for the last 20 minutes how to do this form. to be respectful and to honor the protocol. And I can imagine all the faces I made because I'm not saying anything, but I'm praying, I'm going to do this right, I'm going to do this right. Oh, God, what did I just forget? And looking over to the side, okay, what did she tell me? Okay, okay. So has anybody else been in this predicament? Anyway. Her guidance, their guidance helped me get through this with as much grace and lack of nervousness. And you can't see me, what's the word? Blush. Thank goodness. Because I was quite a little nervous there. And I still got to do it coming out. But those expressions reflected a range of emotions that I was experiencing.

[07:24]

The intention and what was offered was quite honorable. And the way I received it, I received it in the way it was given, except I'm not sure so how much, how well I executed the grace of how it was received, how it was presented, and how it was offered. And so my intention here is to be able to do in kind. This is another place in wise speech where we can get in trouble in our practice. Or not so much get in trouble, but another area that makes it harder, which is intention and impact are very different. So we're responsible for what we say. Our intention and what we say is hopefully what is delivered. The impact is not always what was intended. And that sometimes causes us a lot of suffering. Because it's not, oh, I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to hurt you. Oh, that's not what I meant to say.

[08:27]

Oh, can we have a conversation about this? Can we process this? Oh, I didn't mean to get you upset. On and on and on and on. Part of practice is recognizing and learning from our mistakes. So wise speech, this practice, is an opportunity to fail every single time you open your mouth. And at the same time, It's an opportunity to learn every single time you fail because that's your gift. That's the teaching. So teaching about why speech assumes imperfection. Our mistakes are a vital part of our learning. We need to lie, exaggerate, embellish, use harsh and aggressive speech, engage in useless banter. and speak at inappropriate times in order to experience how using speech in these ways creates tension in the body, agitation in the mind, and remorse in the heart.

[09:36]

We also discover how unskillsful speech degrades personal relationships and diminishes the possibility of peace in our world, which is on a greater scale. So we take it from ourselves to the person that we're engaged with, to the community that we are working with, out to the greater world and to the larger universe. I know sometimes I work with parents and I teach parents parenting skills, and one of the things that I teach them is how you speak to your children and the tone of voice you use and what you say. And depending on the age, because the infants respond to the tone, Whereas the older children not only respond to the tone, but also the language of what you say. So an infant may not be hurt because of what you said, but they will be hurt because of the tone that you've used. And they'll be startled or something. So again, we are teaching our children how to say please and thank you.

[10:43]

We are teaching our children how to be courteous and respectful to older people. to each other to listen, to wait, to speak. The mom or the dad or the guardian or the parent or whomever is raising the child says, I'm on the phone. Need to wait till I get off the phone. What did I teach you? What do you remember? So you're training your child to learn to listen and pay attention. And in the same vein, we are training ourselves. We are training the child within ourselves to do something similar, to be appropriate. And this is in our practice where discernment is so pivotal. And discernment is a practice in ourself. It's like, when do I speak? Do I need to speak? What do I need to say? What am I going to say? How is that person going to react? And you know you're thinking all of this, all within a second, and boom, you speak. So when I talk about the internal process,

[11:49]

in the internal awareness of mindful practice of wise speech, before you even begin to open your mouth to speak to the other person, what are you saying? Are you calm? Are you present? Are you centered? Does it need to be said? Can you refrain from saying, if you need to say it, how do you want to say it? If you have to be firm, are you able to be firm and accept the the backlash or how it might be received. Because remember, our intention and the impact is not always the same. And even with the greatest skills with communication, sometimes our intention is not what's received. So, did you understand what I said? Can you tell me what you just heard? Am I making myself clear? Do you understand what I said? Is there anything that's confusing? Do I need to stop? Am I using words that you don't understand? Is there something that I said that you misheard?

[12:53]

Did I say something that was hurtful or harmful? So not only am I thinking about this or wondering about it if I need to say something once I speak, I do this internal process of just examining. and just paying attention and then speaking. And then, of course, I can be impulsive at times and reactionary. And then there's the consequences of those actions, because everything we say has a ripple. So... Sometimes it's important just to take a moment to pause. Is this what I need to say? Do I need to speak now? I find sometimes some of my challenges when it's something difficult I have to say.

[13:57]

And how do I say it with the best intention and still make myself clear? So here we have wise speech, but there's another piece to this that's really important. and that's called listening. Webster's Dictionary defines listening as to pay attention to sound, to hear with thoughtful attention. Are you hearing me? You feel me? Are you listening? Did you get it? Did we miss each other? Are we not connecting here? So all of those are different ways to say, are you listening? Affective listening means paying attention to more than just sound and therefore requires that we use more than just our ears. For example, a person who is blind, they have cultivated a higher awareness of being able to listen differently than we do because their senses are used in a very different way than ours.

[15:07]

If you practice and your eyes are closed and you're in a dark room, and your eyes are closed, and you're just listening, and just listening, what do you hear? What do you notice? Can you hear different sounds? What sounds do you hear? So it's also a practice. As we are increasingly able to bring mindfulness to our ordinary human interaction, we find that listening means attending to our physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions, as well as to the voice, facial expressions, gestures, pauses, underlining meanings, and rich nuances that accompany the spoken word of others. That's a lot to pay attention to just before you even say hello. So this type of listening is what Thich Nhat Hanh calls deep listening. And it's also what the physician Rachel Naomi Ramey calls generous listening.

[16:10]

And what the Buddhist teacher and hospice trainer Joan Halifax calls listening from the heart. And what the Quakers call devout listening. And I remember being raised Catholic and I would be sitting in the church sometimes and I would just listen. I mean, it was taught in Latin, so I'm dating myself. But in the church, there was this way of it just being very quiet, and it felt like a really calm sense. That's the only way I can describe it. And that, to me, felt like a form of listening. So like any other mindfulness practice, deep listening is both a skill and a practice and an art. And we have a lifetime of work doing our practice, and we have a lifetime of cultivating wise speech and deep listening.

[17:13]

I like to have poems in my talk. So I have a poem, and it's called Begin. Begin again to the summoning birds, to the sight of light at the window, Begin to the roar of morning traffic all along Pembroke Road. Every beginning is a promise, born in light and dying in dark. Determination and exaltation of springtime flowering the way to work. Begin to the pageant of cueing girls, the arrogant loneliness of swans in the canal, bridges linking the past and future, old friends passing through with us still. Begin to the loneliness that cannot end, since it perhaps is what makes us begin. Begin to wonder at unknown faces, at crying birds in the sudden rain, at branches stuck in the willing sunlight, at seagulls

[18:30]

foraging for bread, at couples sharing a sunny secret, alone together while making good. Though we live in a world that dreams of ending, that always seems to allow to give in, something that will not acknowledge conclusion insists that we forever begin. And it's like our practice in wise speech. We constantly have an opportunity to begin again and again and again. So another thing about wise speech and deep listening, it brings the healing power of speech into the world, into the lives of people around us. And at the same time, it helps us cultivate our own wisdom and peace. Another thing about wise speech and deep listening, it has to do with being truthful

[19:30]

gentle, helpful, kind-hearted, and timely, which is another word for discernment. Lama Surida says, I think there's a lot of damage we do with our mouths and with our words, with lies and deception, but also with gossip, sniping, and slander. We are unconsciously doing all kinds of damage So practicing wise speech is one of the steps on the traditional Eightfold Path taught by the Buddha. It's a good thing to concentrate for one day on one step in the path. So you might want to try this sometime. Take one day when you really observe your speech, not just your verbal speech, but your inner dialogue, your expressions, and everything that comes out of you, including your gestures, your looks, and your glances, and see what you're creating and projecting in the world and its results.

[20:38]

That's a powerful part. The Buddha said, the wise ones fashion speech with their thought, sifting it as grain, is sifted through a sieve. The wise one's fashion speech with their thought, sifting it as grain is sifted through a seed. So I want to end with this poem. And it's one of my favorites. And it's called The Guest House. And imagine that This guest house, you're thinking about how you cultivate wise speech in your practice. The guest house. This being human is a guest house. Every morning, a new arrival.

[21:41]

A joy, a depression, a meanness. Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all. Even if they're a crowd of sorrows who will violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He or she may be clearing you out for some new delight, the dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide. from beyond. John Zabitkin says, what is required is a willingness to look deeply at one's present moments, no matter what they hold, in a spirit of generosity, kindness towards oneself, and openness towards what might be possible.

[22:48]

May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you need to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. And may you cultivate wise speech and speak from the heart. And thank you for your practice. So we have a few minutes. We have about 15 minutes for questions. Did I do that right? Okay. Thank you. Yes? What if you do if you have so many emotions caught up inside you and they need to get out? So how can you... How can...

[23:57]

without them coming out with a lot of trouble with something, how can you control them? That's a really good question. Sometimes you might want to pause and just take a moment and think about, is this the time that needs to be sent? And even though you may have a pressing urge to speak, It may not be needed. It may mean just to sit for a moment and to sit with the experience of not speaking, to sit in the space of the pause, in that moment of silence that can be a place of comfort. It can be a place of grounding. It can be a place of centering. And then as you sit in that place, then you can ask yourself, is this the time I need to speak? And then your heart will give you the answer. But you have to pay attention, so it takes practice.

[25:01]

Thank you for your question. Yes, and then I see your hint as well. So that was a point in which I... stop engaging about a certain topic with the community, because I felt we do have the same language, and we brought up this. And at times, you know, I have, oh, I'm fine with it, because in part it was a clear sense of Nothing could be gained to keep on trying when it felt like there was no movement. And on another, I struggled with thinking, well, I'm not trying hard enough.

[26:04]

Or if I was more skillful, I could communicate better. And yet it seems like it really had to come to the point where no matter how much my skill developed, It didn't meet the situation. So can you talk a little bit about how to deal with it? Or some thoughts about it? Thank you. You saw that look. Any parts of it? I think sometimes when... First, I want to address having compassion for ourselves. To... remind yourself or remind ourself that I'm doing the best I can with this. And then sometimes it's also looking at equanimity, which is this is what it is and how do I take care of myself around this. And as I take care of myself around this, maybe there may be an opportunity that comes around another time.

[27:11]

But what's important is to be able to be kind to yourself. Because sometimes the situation is frustrating, and sometimes it feels very painful. And then what do you do? So having compassion for yourself, maybe accepting this is the situation as it is for now, and that a time will come where you may be able to do something else. Because I think of some of the work that Martin Luther King did, and he was in that film and drill a few times, and he would... still come back, and still come back, and still come back. And practice taking care of himself in that process. And so I think what's important is, regardless of what it is, to have compassion for ourself when the situation isn't what we would like it to be, and it's what it is. Thank you. Yes.

[28:13]

Thank you for talking about right speech. I just want to speak to a separate way of expressing it, because we have to say something. We talked about the difference between intention and impact, and many times I've found myself saying something that hurt someone else when my intention was not hurt them. When I see that my voice, I've heard someone, I apologize. But is that enough? I try to get better for the next time. But is apologizing enough? What do you do when the impact of what you've said is not the way you meant it to be? Not an easy question. When I've done that, I have to live with what I've done, with the impact of what I've done.

[29:19]

And I've apologized and maybe have to accept this is all there is I can do at this moment. And sometimes the person is able to hear my apology and other times they're not. And there's nothing I can do about that in the moment. So where does that leave me? More suffering. And Also holding the bigger picture, that there may be an opportunity for something else to happen and to accept that this is the best I can do right now. And to, as much as possible, again, have compassion for ourself and try not to beat myself up. Beat yourself up. It's one of those things where when you see the person cringe, it's horrible. and you do the best that you can. I wish there was an easy answer, and there's not. It's a hard one to sit with, and that's why the mistakes we make in our practices wise speech are such great teachers.

[30:29]

Thank you. Last question. Can you talk a little bit about the times in which wise speech isn't necessarily it may be a little challenging to someone's ideas or to someone's... I mean, as an activist, I've often found myself in positions where I've had to say things to people to bring them off of some place of... For me, it's still a bit, you know, a place where they're... And so what would you suggest as it comes to maybe wise speeches and the kindest in the moment? I think of compassion and I think of my practice of compassion and that I use a sword.

[31:33]

So I use the same thing at wise speech. That... And I try to be as careful as possible. But I know that sometimes I need to say some things that might be a little, sound like they're harsh. Or I have to think about, this is going to cause some ripples and am I ready for the outcome? And most of the time what I do, and this is a, there's a, I think it's a, old spiritual, and one of the lines is to guide my feet and order my steps. So when I have to speak harshly or outside of the norm of nicety, I first say, may my words, may I be guided, order my feet, order my steps and guide my feet, and may the words from my mouth

[32:38]

be the intention that I hope is received. And then, there it goes. And I deal with the outcome of that. It's not always easy. And no one ever said it would be easy. And doing social activist work is not easy. So compassion, again, is imperative for ourself when we have to make those hard choices. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[33:39]

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