This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. And welcome to Sashin. Initiating Sashin is a very interesting activity, and that's what I'd like to talk about this morning.

[01:00]

If you think about it, we're initiating a world. a way of being. We're about to create a new normal. Whatever you usually consider as normal will now be replaced by a normal that we're going to create together. There's a word in Buddhism, a term in Buddhism called kaya. And it means a realm of being. Usually our normal and the world that represents that normal and the self that represents that normal has certain characteristics implicit in it. There's self and other.

[02:02]

There's permanent being. And the... The world of Shashin is the world of awakening. And what do we awaken to? We awaken to an impermanent world. We awaken to a world in which each creation is an interaction of its constituent parts. It's a dependent co-arising, depending upon the factors and conditions of the moment. And the transition for us, in some ways, it's a reluctant one. It's when we, here we are, we brought ourselves here, we've committed to doing this. And yet, that normal has its allure, it has its authority, it has its persuasion, it has its attraction.

[03:11]

In some ways, our normal world is our best effort at sustaining our life. How could we cast it aside just because something in our mind, our heart says, that would be a good thing to do? And in the heritage of Buddhism, there is... Particularly in early Buddhism, there's an articulation, or an expressed articulation. It could be said like this. There's vow, there's discipline, there's renunciation. The intentionality that persuaded you to sign up for Sashin, that expressed itself through you making this a priority over all the other things you could be doing.

[04:24]

Somehow choosing this has a relevance, an importance, a priority, And interestingly, that arose in the middle of your normal. And it's part of our initiation. It's part of our initiation, and as I was saying last night, before we went down to sit, we start with a notion of our vow. And in the middle of shashin, the intensity, the activity of shashin becomes what's carrying us along. And our vow is lesser. You having a hard time hearing, Paul?

[05:31]

Sorry, but you're leaning forward. It carries us along. Maybe the difference between intention and vow is that the intention can carry the purposefulness of our ideas, our opinions, our judgments. This is more virtuous than this. And then there's a challenge for us. Sometimes I offer a dyad. What do you want? And usually, if we're being completely honest and disclosing, things arise to mind. I want this.

[06:32]

I want this. And then even in the hearing of that, we realize there's something underneath that. I want that in the service of a deeper wanting, a deeper way of nourishing and fulfilling my being. As the intention ripens, the vow of practice appears. And often that vow of practice has both a known and an unknown quality to it. when I watch my own way of being, for me, often it shifts more into feeling. It doesn't actually have so much of an articulated mental formulation. So when I came across this poem, which I did many years ago by David White, it resonated.

[07:37]

All the true vows are secret vows. the wantings that come to mind quickly and easily, and maybe persuasively, they're alluding to something underneath. What they're alluding to is often not so easy to get in touch with. If we think of it in terms of the karmic world, or the tarmac, karmic kaya, realm of being, or normal. And then this new normal that's taking shape, which is in the service of awakening. It's not in the service of you getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want. It's not in the service of

[08:41]

succeeding at whatever it is you think and feel you should succeed at, or avoiding whatever it is that you think will cause you harm or distress. Its intentionality, its purposefulness is awakening. In many ways, It's a strange and new territory for us. The territory of our normal is familiar. And in some ways, that's what makes it invisible. The familiar unfolds in its habitual way without... without intentionality, without purposefulness. We're doing, we're being who we are, whether we're aware of it or not.

[09:51]

And often there are details of it that we're not so aware of. So we enter with intention And even our intention has an element of unknown mystery. On Saturday, Gene mentioned a coin where the teacher says to the monk, what are you doing? And he says, I'm going on pilgrimage. And the teacher says, well, where are you going? And the monk says, I don't know. Shashin's like that. We're going on the pilgrimage of shashin. Now what exactly that is or where that takes me or what that's going to create? Maybe you have some ideas from previous shashins.

[10:57]

But still, this is this shashin. To allow for some not knowing. And the vow that initiates, can that have some not knowing? And David White says, there's only one life you can call your own. And a thousand you can call by any name you like. Of course you have old stories, all sorts of stories about who you are and what you want and what's important and what's not important. but they're alluding to something that goes beyond what they say out loud. He says, hold to the truth you make every day with your body. And this is, which I'll talk about in a few minutes, this is part of...

[12:04]

the method of sushin. Hold to the truth you make every day with your body. Hold to the truth you make every breath with your body. Hold to the truth of embodying eating arioki, of embodying going to the bathroom, of embodying relaxing into a chair when your body is feeling tired. Embodying with the mind is starting to get caught up in ideas and memories and anticipations. Hold to the truth you make every day with your body. Don't turn away. out of this new world of awakening, we walk into it.

[13:17]

We can turn away. We can get distracted, caught up in other things. Because indeed, normal, as we've participated in creating it, has its own sense of purpose. It has its own validity within its own being. You know, we can stand apart from someone's world. How could anyone be a suicide bomber? Such a ridiculous, inappropriate thing. To us. Well, to me. I suspect to most of you too. But I also suspect if we listen deeply and carefully to that person's world, we could say, hmm, okay.

[14:20]

Within those considerations, within those perspectives, within those ambitions, within those definitions of virtue and profane, that can arise as an appropriate response. So any one of our worlds Within our worlds, it has its validity. It has its purposefulness. I don't mean to imply that each of our worlds is comparable to a suicide bomber's world. I hope not. But the world of awakening... We walk into it. We face it and we enter it. We follow the schedule. We pay attention to what's arising.

[15:24]

We open up to the feeling. We align the body with an uprightness and an openness that embodies awakening. We face into it. Hold your truth at the center of the image you were born with. In some ways we could say, this awakening world is our true home. And it's interesting because often when we have the experience, presence. It has a ring of familiarity. It has a ring of authenticity. It has an authority. It's not the authority of I'm special and I've attained something special.

[16:28]

We can add that, but in essence, the authority of it is this feels like the original grind of being. This has a quality of being to it that feels authentic. This helps me set aside the clamoring for more or less or different or the urgency to remember or anticipate. Those who do not understand their destiny will never understand the friends they've made or the work they've chosen.

[17:33]

What a fierce thing to say. Maybe. Remember, in this place, no one can hear you. In this place, You take full responsibility for what you are and who you are and how you are. This is this conditioned being, being what it is. These are the emotions that are happening here. These are the attitudes. These are the judgments. In this place, we don't say, you made me feel this way. a dependent core arising but we don't separate from it and hold someone else responsible.

[18:48]

And out of this place you make a promise. And in this way you find what is real and what is not. Vau. Each time we sit down to do zazen, each time we stand up to do kinyin, each time we go on a break, each time we let go of distraction, and returned to the activity of the moment. Each time we ask, what's happening now?

[20:00]

Turning towards the world, the being, the kaya, the interbeing of awakening. Our conscious attention brings it into being. This is the gift of awareness. Our conscious attention brings awakening into being. And the next aspect is discipline. The discipline of the disciple. The disciple follows the path. The disciple follows the teachings. And the discipline is the activity of the disciple.

[21:05]

So Shashin asks something of us. It asks us to follow the schedule. In the Zen way, the schedule... is this period of time's representation, manifestation of engaging the world of awakening. And certainly in our system, in the 60s, in the 70s, there was a book called The Three Pillars of... There still is the book, of course, but it was published then. called The Three Pillars of Zen. And became very popular at that time by Philip Kaplow. And in it, he talks about an incident where they were in an intense machine. And I think he temporarily had enough.

[22:11]

So he was trying to hide in the bathroom. And the teacher came to the bathroom to get him. So even though in the beauty of our vow, we're committed to the discipline of the practice, it doesn't mean that there isn't, that our karmic life, that our old normal has been, has floated away like the spring breeze. It's still asserting its. expression, its importance, its purposefulness, its priorities. Or maybe more exactly, the deeply embedded habits, patterns, patterns of thought, patterns of breath, patterns of body, behaviors.

[23:23]

So our discipline and those patterns, part of our challenge is how do we enable, how do we facilitate the discipline, but not turn it into a struggle, a battle, with our habituated well-being. And in this regard, I would offer this... We start to see, and the main agenda, in addition to following the schedule and sitting upright and paying attention, notice, notice, notice. Set aside any notion as to what your mind should be doing or what state of consciousness should be arising. Notice what's already there. Notice the disposition.

[24:40]

Notice any mental preoccupation. The karmic world is not our enemy. It's not the evil that has to be vanquished so the virtuous world of awakening arises. The teaching, the path of awakening is the interplay between the two. So we notice. We notice when there's a determined grasping and clinging to some formulation of our existence, and we notice when we let it go. And in the midst of that interplay, we sustain the discipline.

[25:43]

And this is a very important feature. In the midst of whatever state of mind we're in, steady, returning, and abiding in the process, the method, the technique we're using in zazen. We don't have to battle with whatever it is that's coming up for us. We just notice it, experience it, and metabolize it into zazen. It's also just part of the grind of awareness. It's what's happening now. Maybe it's more complex in our being than the sign of the traffic. Maybe the thought is provocative, stirs up a feeling, associates with the memory.

[26:48]

Still, we notice. Very much the Dharma gate into the world of awakening is this willingness to notice and to make it as constant as possible. And especially as we start to bring some diligence to this. It's like we're establishing an expression of being that's different from the doing, that's different from the engaging the wants and dislikes of our normal state of being. It invites them, even the activity of liking and disliking, into awareness.

[27:52]

Often, we will relate to discipline as trying to get ourselves to do something we don't want to do. And indeed, it can have that flavor. But we need to be careful because if we stop there, then we're accepting a struggling that is not only not necessary, but it doesn't express liberation. Struggling with what is is not an expression of liberation. Noticing how it comes into being. is the teaching of liberation. So this is an important feature. And I would say, as we settle in, notice, notice, notice. Especially because we're in transition.

[29:07]

And it's an interesting time to notice. In your apprehension, are you considering certain coping mechanisms or strategies? I once sat Shashin and my roommate brought a large bag of granola. And after every meal, he had a bowl of granola. And I was just struck by how... the fervent way he did it. He did it like, my whole life, my survival depends upon this bowl of granola. Maybe it did, but somehow the fervent way it had been introduced into Shashin.

[30:16]

So if you have a coping mechanism, I wouldn't say, oh, immediately. Unless it's blatantly destructive. Just attend to it, notice it, learn from it. How does it feel before? What kind of anticipation? How does it feel during? How does it feel after? Does it calm your mind? Does it agitate your mind? Notice, notice, notice. When we do this discipline, the skillfulness of discipline sort of finds itself. And it also, it sets the stage for the next factor, renunciation. From the world from our usual world, from our usual normal, renunciation is a very unattractive proposition.

[31:25]

I've put together this world as my best effort at thriving, and now you want me to drop it, give it up, renounce it? But as we enter into it, as we start to attend to the workings of it, as we start to see how the discipline of engaging can create contraction, resistance, we can also start to see the possibility of not contracting, not resisting. We can start to see the clinging and aversion while in some states of being can seem appropriate, they are indeed a miscalculation of what supports our life.

[32:34]

So renunciation is not so much that we're letting go of something precious, It's more like we're renouncing to receive something precious. We're letting go of the suffering of limited being to receive the nourishment of greater being. And of course, it's easy to say that. But in the workings of our being, to attend... to when we feel the contraction and get intimate enough with it that we can also feel what it is to let go. To get close enough

[33:46]

that we feel the contraction of our clinging or our aversion. I want more of this or I want to escape this. It sets up its own urgency and when we feel it, when we feel the contraction and agitation of it, we start to feel what it is to let go. It's like when you feel the tension in your shoulders. You can start to learn what it is to let go. Now, right away, you might not. You might just feel it and feel like, I have no idea how to let this go. It's so authoritative. It's so permanent. But just keep bringing awareness to it. And the learning, the discovery of what it is will reveal And then within our practice, each exhale has this quality.

[34:54]

Let it go. Let go of this breath. Let go of this state of being. Not suppress it, not resist it, not push it away. Some quality of softening. In each breath, we let that go. In each inhale, we let it arise. In that allowing and releasing, it helps the mind discover that kind of balance. The balance that can open and the balance it can release. It has right within its being able to turn from opening to releasing, it has within it some of the qualities of equanimity.

[36:06]

Are a clinging inner aversion or they arise from an unsettled mind, a mind that doesn't feel just this is it. It feels this is not it. I need more. But renunciation can't be forced. In our thinking mind, we think it can. And it's an interesting relationship with our sincerity. In our sincerity, we're committed, we want to awaken, and we're inclined to think, I can make it happen. But usually what we do is we proceed with making it happen, and that

[37:16]

teaches us its limitation. It tires you. It takes your energy. It stiffens your body. It gives you a headache. Right in how we're engaging awareness, can it have a quality of opening? of enlivening, of affirming. Can the activity of awareness be inclined towards an appreciation of what is? A curiosity. So it's not like conditioned existence is some regrettable experience. We engage it with patience, and kindness and compassion.

[38:19]

And in it arises the teaching of liberation. That other slogan I offered, experience the experience that's being experienced. That quality that rather than I have to make something happen, something is happening and it's inviting awareness. It's inviting opening to experiencing it. And so that sense of opening, that sense of engaging what's already there, has within it a quality of involvement that rather than feeling like hard work, it feels more like it's inviting us to float.

[39:26]

Rather than feeling like there's something important that has to be done, it has a feeling of this moment can support awareness. And then the practice of Zazen is exploring what it is to be aligned with that involvement. What's the body of that? What's the uprightness of it? What's the stability of it? How does How does it flow in with the inhale? How is it let go with the exhale? And when your mind has its notions, oh, my body should be more like this or like that, you know, okay, your mind has its notions.

[40:31]

But the experiencing, the noticing and experiencing will offer a truer teaching. the noticing and experiencing offers the true vow. We don't approach it like a thief trying to get what it wants. We approach it more with a sense of how could there be any other way, how could any other way make sense other than experiencing the experience that's already being experienced? How can you be

[41:41]

anything other than what you already be in each moment. And as we engage the awareness, that sensibility is closer. We don't manufacture it. We can't force it. We can't demand it. We facilitate, we open to, we surrender to. And this is the nature of attending to the breath. We allow the inhale. You don't make the inhale. Your body knows all about inhale. tend to it.

[42:44]

We feel it. The sensation. So during the practice period I've been saying, as you breathe in, as much as possible, with as much attention as possible, experience the sensations of the inhale. This is opening to what is. And then pause and release and let go on the exhale. And this is an elemental way to work with consciousness. And what that will bring forth in your being, well, who knows? Maybe it will bring forth rage.

[43:46]

at something that happened when you were 10. My son said to me once, you abused me. And I thought, uh-oh. He says, when I was nine, you made me do my homework. And you kind of intimidated me. And I thought, okay, that's how you felt. And then fortunately, several years later, he said to me, I'm over that. Who knows what comes up for us? And hopefully we'll get over it. Or maybe there will be a moment of what I was saying earlier, returning to the original ground.

[44:48]

Where there's a sense of deep sanity, sobriety. The way our thoughts and feelings intoxicate us. And then, those moments where there they are, and they're just thoughts and feelings. there's me and all the ways I hold on to it. And where's the problem? It's just seen. It's just conditioned existence. It's just everything being let go with the exhale.

[45:50]

So as we enter into Shashin, of course, we'd rather have that authenticating and empowering moment of simple presence. And of course, we're tired of hearing our own complaining. and the bitter pain of our resentments around what happened in the past. But the discipline is experience the experience that's being experienced. And by way of persuasion, I would say, if it's intense and difficult emotions, the more thoroughly we experience them, the more thoroughly we know that part of ourselves. And not just intellectually, but something deeper, like we can be with it, we can feel it, we can open to it.

[47:05]

And as we do that, we make sense of ourselves. to ourselves. That resentment, you know about it, you see the perspective of it. Why shouldn't my son resent that when he was nine, I stood over him, so he says, to do his homework, intimidated him to do his homework. Can it all just be held in awareness? And can we sit each period of Zas in that kind of sense of possibility? The discipline is there, the dedication is there, the vow is there, and then it lets loose.

[48:23]

And what will come into being? as the monk says, where are you going on pilgrimage? I don't know. What will I experience this period of zazen? I don't know. This is our way. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge. And this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[49:15]

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