So thank you all for sitting quietly. It does feel different to sit with others. I could feel it in my body. It's so encouraging. And I felt very encouraged actually to relax. Maybe the safety of sitting with others with like intentions. What I wanted to bring up... is something I've been working with during these days of change. And I have a go-to book, which maybe others know, which is called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. And the subtext is heart advice for difficult times. And I think... maybe in the same way that I suggested that we start with some self-compassion, it's really important to warm up the heart or to at least find it and listen to it and find out what's going on with us in terms of our openness or tightness and to dwell in that realm.

[01:28]

for quite a while before taking on ideas and maybe even, yeah, intellectual pursuit, let's say, practice ideas. So I like that her subtitle is Heart Advice for Difficult Times. What I've been looking at is a really... specific question, and that is, what is it during this particularly amazingly disruptive time, what is it that would be most beneficial for me to work with, to practice, to, for lack of a better word, to refine? During this time.

[02:29]

In order. To be able to meet the world when we're those of us who are sequestered, when we're released. Back into the world. How will we need to meet it? What's the best way for us to prepare to meet that? And maybe even what's unique about these times that give us the opportunity to. look at parts of ourselves that we haven't had the courage or the time to investigate. So when I ask myself that question, and in a way, that's my response to that prompt, which is, what's the most important thing? Suzuki Roshi was famous for saying, well, he had, according to David Chadwick, He had 79 different answers to that question. What's the most important thing?

[03:33]

One of the more famous responses that I really like is the most important thing is asking what's the most important thing. So that that constant investigation is very attractive to me. But he had 78 other answers to that question, as you may have different answers to that question. But what's come up for me is this. Well, what is it that would be the most beneficial focus for me during these times? And a subtext of that question has been something like. Is there a responsibility. To really. I want to practice hard or to ask difficult questions or to to to be on the edge of my practice to see what is that and to go into territory that I don't usually go into.

[04:36]

Is there a responsibility right now for me or any of us to be doing that in this time that we've been given? And maybe you can hear the energy in my voice around that. Well, you know, shouldn't we? Be really taking this on. I mean, our heads are on fire. If there's ever been a time, this might be it. And then there's another part of that which comes up for me, which is, well. I notice that I'm eating ice cream and carbohydrates and at least one cookie a day. And. I haven't pushed myself to do difficult exercise regimes that one could do in this time. And so do I actually need to just be kind to myself during this time? So that when we come through this.

[05:40]

I'll be able to maybe. Explore those questions then. So it. It seems like kind of a choice in a way. And my current understanding is I need to do both of those things. So that's why I suggested in the meditation. Looking at compassion for a while, self-compassion and kindness and settling in and allowing the body-mind to let go and relax and feel the support of others sitting together. And then asking the question in that more cared-for realm. So that's a kind of a... uber question I'm putting out there for you, and we can talk about that in a minute, but I want to just briefly go back to Pema, who says something, well, she says many, many things, but I'm just going to read a little, a few sentences.

[06:50]

There's a chapter, chapter 10, that's called Curious About Existence. And She says in one paragraph, the first sentence is inspiration. And wretchedness. Are inseparable. And then she says, we always want to get rid of misery rather than to see how it works together with joy. So there's that same bifurcation there. Do I need to completely relax and take care of myself before I can turn towards difficult? Questions about my own practice? I don't think so. I think those things somehow come up together. She says the point isn't to cultivate one thing as opposed to another thing, but to relate properly. To where we are. And I would say to me, that's the Dogen recommendation of.

[07:59]

to study the self. So studying where we are, knowing where we are, maybe knowing even better where we are. That's that combination of making that extra effort and being kind. We're making an effort to be able to care for ourselves better. So study the self, know where we are so that we understand Take the appropriate step. It says feeling inspired cheers us up, makes us realize how vast and wonderful our world is. Feeling wretched. Humbles us. How many of you are feeling humbled? I am. I saw something really funny on Facebook the other day where it had a woman in February, and then it had her future self across the table, her future self from April.

[09:10]

And they were having a conversation. And the woman from February was saying how she really thought that the year 2020 would be famous. The most important thing that would happen would be the fires in Australia. Remember those? Remember how we thought that was the apocalyptic message from the earth? And here we are. Right. Humbled. Humbled. Humbled. So there's one other little section, a few paragraphs down that I also wanted to bring up. And this is. This is kind of the deep investigation that I was talking about that might be possible during these times. And it's about really studying ego, really studying, not just study the self in terms of knowing where you are, but study what it means to think we are a self, to think we are a separate self.

[10:16]

So she says ego could be defined as whatever covers up basic goodness. There's that combination again. It's not saying that without ego, we're nothing. It's saying it's covering up something quite wonderful that we actually are. What is ego covering up? She says it's covering our experience of just being here, just being fully who we are so that we can relate with the immediacy of our experience. And this is my favorite sentence. Egolessness is a state of mind that has complete confidence in the sacredness of the world. So having complete confidence right now is a very difficult proposition. Because we're going to tend to want to have confidence in something that we have understood in the past.

[11:25]

I think this is calling on us to consider a different kind of confidence. And. Which will include, of course, not having any idea what's going on. In the world. And so maybe one one last thing I wanted to let you know, just personally, what I am. I've decided there is something I want to work with. That's an edge. for my practice in the world. And that is, I know about myself that I tend to lean towards the positive. I'm kind of a cheerleader. I lean towards the positive. And right now, if I lean too much into the positive, people are going to base... Can I say bullshit? Is that okay? Because that's kind of what I want to say.

[12:28]

People are going to think. I'm. I'm not actually saying. If I'm leaning up. You know really far. Too far into everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be great. Because even if it is. We don't know that right now. So my tendency is to lean this way. And I'm. I'm looking at. How much of that is being drawn to the positive and how much of it is avoiding the negative? So I'm uncomfortable with the negative. It's uncomfortable to me. So to even be so I've always thought here was upright. So I'm I'm investigating what it means to actually be in the middle. Of positive ideas of the future. negative ideas of the future or present or past or whatever, but positive and negative attitudes.

[13:30]

And staying here, which is quite uncomfortable for me, and practicing with that discomfort, that's kind of an edge, an edge. And I want to offer you one more thing, and then I'd love to hear your comments and questions. A long time ago, my teacher is Reb Anderson, and he is a very strong physical specimen. And I have seen him. He had knee surgery one day when I was his attendant, and he came back the next day to Sashin and did full frustrations on that knee. And I was really upset because that's not something I could do. And it's like, well, you know. Is he human? Is he showing off? I mean, what is that? And so I asked him in a public question session. I said, you know, that's not really fair that you're doing that because, you know, don't you have limits?

[14:31]

And he said, yes, I have limits. And I said, OK, how do you work with them? And he said. I dance with them. And that image is really helpful to me. So I have a limit. I have an edge around positive and negative. And to come back into the middle for me is kind of dancing with discomfort. And how far should I go? Not so far that it's torture. But maybe dancing with it is the way to think about it. That's my offering right now. And Barbara will take your questions if you do all know. Oh, there's already a little blue hand up. So, Barbara, maybe you could unmute Lori and she could ask the first question.

[15:32]

Hello, Susan. It's been many years since we've seen each other. I'm turning you up so I can hear. Yes. It's been many years since we've seen each other. Hello. So you're speaking about compassion and self-kindness, which came up for me today. I had a little disagreement with a neighbor about noise. And what always happens to me is that I will think about this now for days. I should have been more skillful. I should have been more patient. And I know I cannot just drop it. And I think about that story about the two monks crossing... The river and why did you drop that? I dropped it miles ago. I don't know how to get to that point where I can just let it go and be nice to myself. Could you speak to that, please? Yeah, you know, it's hard to break habits. And unfortunately, it often takes us realizing how painful it is to not change. Yes.

[16:34]

So it might not be painful enough to you yet. To just drop it. I mean, no. So it's painful to hold on to it, but not painful enough. Oh, well, it's pretty painful. Well, I want to go through two more days of this self. There you go. There you go. So what you've done is you've seen it. You've felt the pain of it, the discomfort of it. You've confessed it in front of these wonderful people and you've asked for help. Right. That's how we break those patterns. OK, that's how we break those patterns. So, you know, whatever prompts you yourself might benefit from to remember not to do it. You know, there's. The thing I like to say, the kind of mantra I like to use is everyone's doing their best. OK. Including you. OK. I think so.

[17:34]

Okay. Including the noise person. Everybody, and particularly now, widening our idea of tolerance. You know, it's really hard to tolerate certain things when we're really tender. But on the other hand, other people are maybe having it even more difficult than we are. So taking care of ourself, taking care of the other, balancing, balancing, balancing. But, you know, we're all doing our best for sure. Okay. Thank you very much, Susan. You're welcome. With a deep bow. You're welcome. Someone be brave. Someone work with their shyness.

[18:35]

There we go. Maria. Barbara has an eye. Hi, Suzanne. Thank you so much. I also struggled with this positive center in this situation. I am also in the cheerleading side like you. But now it's like very, very... I hope I can explain myself. I think that it's kind of... These teachings help us to understand that it doesn't matter what happens at the end. I mean, life continues. This pandemic is part of life as everything is part of life. Yes. Life and death and everything.

[19:48]

However, when you see how affected, for example, is the... Mexican migrant community in New York and all the conditions, especially the poor communities. I am here in Brazil and the people in the outskirts of the city and the quilombos. I mean, all this situation is so intense and it makes me very, very... sad at the beginning and I cry and then mad and everything happens and then all this balance like if I would go to a different understanding before I understood that everything is part of this universe of this constant motion and changing life and everything life and death is part of it So the other day, I was with this very, with a lot of pain and crying, knowing the situation I was with in a seminar where the people from the Amazonia were telling their stories.

[21:17]

And I mean, I couldn't do anything. It was like I am off. and not being able to do much. And so I don't know. I asked you, like, I think maybe this mantra you say it helps, but the situation in some places is so... so difficult that sometimes I am like, it really truth me out, and I don't know how to come back to that center, to that balance, or how to stay there and still feel that I am contributing in some way to that difficult situation. Right. No, thank you. Thank you, Maria. So the piece that I also said was,

[22:19]

You know, should we or, you know, is it is it our obligation to be looking at parts of ourselves and getting ourselves ready versus can we? And I think there are moments when when we can't meet. Head on. Either what's in front of us or our concerns about what might be in front of us and we need to have a cookie or. to lie down or to go for a walk because ultimately you don't stay in that place of balance. Just like in Zazen, we're hardly ever in balance. We're moving in and out of it. You know, sometimes isometrically in these small little movements, but it's very rare that we're actually in balance. So having the intention of being able to make the world in a balanced place is great.

[23:21]

And knowing when you're not in balance is also great. Know ourselves, know when we're not up for it. You know, we're just, we're grieving. We're overwhelmed. You know, our thoughts have like run away with us. We've just gotten caught in disaster scenarios or pain or et cetera. So that will happen. That will happen. Because this is a very extreme situation. Our job is to know ourselves well enough to know when we're ready to be of direct service to others versus we need to calm ourselves down, get ourselves in better shape to meet the world. So don't try to do it prematurely. Don't force it because it won't work. Each of us has a different set of conditions that are going to cause us to respond to this in different ways. Knowing that response is our job and tending to it, being tender, and then being strong when we can be.

[24:31]

Does that help? Yeah. And also I think, well, I have transformed this quarantine in a type of retreat, like in a long session. Yes. And also I have done a lot of meditation, much, much hours, and I notice that I am more time, more center during the day and the week and the month. So I notice that I also can contribute from that Sending, sending, sending wellness and wishes. Or at least, I don't know, it's kind of, if I am able to be in a state of centeredness, it's also the world is pushed a little bit into that center.

[25:44]

Or something like that. Right. We affect the world. The world affects us. We're not separate from the world. And we can have a strong intention to meet everything in a flexible way, which keeps us looking for center. And I love your dance. I will keep that image. Good. I will keep dancing from here. Thank you. Dance gently. I see a physical hand waving, and who is that? I can't see your name. John has his hand up, and then maybe you next. Barbara, can you see? It's Julie Lalor. So, Julie, you'll be after John, okay? All right. Hi, John. Hi. Oh, I'm sorry. The way it's set up, the lights really does sound good. Backlit. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to say thank you. At this moment, right before speaking, I felt really awestruck, like I almost couldn't speak.

[26:49]

So I felt like I better just raise my hand, just don't know what it's about exactly, or I could tell a lot of things of what it could be about, but it doesn't seem like it fits the depth of feelings. I just wanted to say thank you. You're welcome, John. Julie? Hi, Susan. Hi. Tema Chodron has been one of my Bibles during this time, and so I was quite moved when you mentioned her and brought her up when things fall apart. This coronavirus has in some ways been very minor for me. I have been in a 10-year relationship, and my guy has fallen in love with someone else. So when your your discussion of wretchedness and inspiration, you know, I've really been living that to some degree, more wretchedness, but a lot of inspiration from digging in and joy is far quite elusive.

[28:01]

Misery is more present and and. the realization in how much this is a correct move of life, this breakup. And yet the pain of it has just been so intense, even while knowing that it's correct. So these balancing and these dances, you know, have just been running my life. It's quite a timely talk for me to sit with you tonight with this. Well, I'm sorry for the pain of that change in your life. And, you know, pain is pain, whether it's coming from that separation or whether it's coming from other aspects of what's going on in the world right now.

[29:05]

you share that pain with others who are in pain, losing a loved one or being afraid. So, yeah, we're not, you know, people are focusing on the virus and rightfully so. But, you know, I have a brother who was just diagnosed with stage four bone cancer. And so these, you know, these issues, these aspects of being a human being, continue in the midst of this general frightening, disruptive thing. This is what it's like to be a human being, and does it humble us? Probably, yeah, if we're lucky. Well, it's just 6.30, which is the time we David said we stopped, so I guess we'll stop for today, and I'll be back with this evening event on Thursday night, and then David will rejoin you next week.

[30:21]

So take good care and ask yourself important questions.

[30:28]

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