This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. Is there anyone who's here for the first time tonight? So, welcome back. And I think most of you know me, but in case you don't, my name is Tova Breen. I'm a resident here, and for the last six months I've been the director. And I've also, I have had the pleasure for the last few weeks of assisting Paul with the practice period that's more than halfway over, and I think very engaged right now, and... The theme of the practice period has been continuous practice.

[01:04]

And one of the things that we do each week, for those of you who are not participating in the practice period, is we have a practice period tea. And we've been meeting in small groups, and each week we have an assignment, something we're investigating for the week. Last week, the theme of our investigation was aversion, which is... or an experience we tend to avoid or wish we could. And because a version came up for me really strongly last week, I thought I would talk about it tonight and explore what it is, how it feels, in what ways it manifests in our lives, and also how we can practice with it and... meet it fully rather than avoiding it.

[02:05]

And I've thought of a couple of titles for my talk. They both come from poems that I'll be sharing. One is from a poem by Jane Hirshfield, and the phrase is, To Make the Unwanted Wanted. And the other is a phrase from a poem by Marie Howe, and it's called Whatever Leads to Joy. So I hope that the range of things we'll be talking about tonight will include joy, and that dealing with the topic of aversion won't lead you to go away feeling averse. averse, irritated, dissatisfied, some of the synonyms that go along with aversion. Yeah. So there's a phrase in the Genjo Koan.

[03:10]

It's near the beginning of the Genjo Koan. In attachment, blossoms fall, and in aversion, weeds spread. And that phrase is, I think, really captures... some of the quality, or maybe not the quality, but the commonness of this experience in our lives, that we're drawn to things that are beautiful or that are pleasing in some ways, like flowers, but we can't hold on to them. They fall. And we find unpleasant situations, things that that we might find challenging, difficult, irritating, whatever. And those seem to spread like weeds. And in trying to hold on to what's pleasant or push away what's unpleasant, we can just create great suffering for ourselves.

[04:17]

So... The experience I had last week, I'll just mention it briefly, it came up on my birthday, which was last Tuesday, and I woke up really early in the morning, much earlier than I had planned to wake up, and I was just thinking about some unresolved situations in my life that were very difficult. And I couldn't get them out of my mind. And then I was really unhappy because I didn't want to have those thoughts on my birthday. You know, I thought, I like to, well, it's kind of maybe an expectation of waking up on my birthday feeling really glad to be alive. and appreciating my parents for having given me the gift of my life. But that's not what I was thinking about. And the more I was unhappy with what I was thinking about, the worse it got.

[05:21]

You know, it's like when you have aversion to the aversion. And it only makes the situation worse. So I think that was part of the reason why I thought this would be a good thing to investigate. this week and talk about. Also in the course of the week, I've had a few conversations with people who felt irritated with just about everything or dissatisfied with something that was happening in their practice or their lives. So I think I'm not alone in having this feeling. And I would say that the feeling didn't last for the whole day. And some of the things that happened during the day which helped me meet the experience of aversion and move through it are things I'd like to share tonight.

[06:22]

So aversion can arise in a number of dimensions in our lives. And I find it helpful to think about some of these experiences in like four dimensions. I've been teaching a class on the precepts this practice period. And think of four concentric circles, the first one being our relationship with ourselves, the second, our relationship with others, the third, our relationship to our community, and the fourth, to the wide world. So the circles widen. And thinking about each precept, I find it helpful to think about, for example, with not harming but cherishing life. How do I not harm myself and cherish my own life? How do I extend that in my relationships with others? What about in the community?

[07:26]

How can I not harm and cherish life? And then in the world. So I think it's the same in... In looking at aversion, I can experience aversion towards some part of myself. Sometimes when I realize I can't do something as easily as I could before, like run, I am aware of aging and can feel some aversion to that, just to that experience of not... having the speed that I had at one time, not being able to run. I never ran a marathon, but I did at one time run a 10-kilometer race, and I know I couldn't do that today unless I really, I'm not sure even if I trained for it, whether I could do that. So there's that, sometimes that kind of aversion towards something that's happening in my body. I can experience aversion

[08:30]

towards another person. I might have an idea or just an experience of someone who I might find that somebody doesn't do something they said they would do or comes late frequently or in some other way, something that just might at some point really feel some irritation or aversion. And if I'm not careful, I might get into thinking that that person is always late or always a certain way and then develop a kind of fixed view, which really is not very helpful and can get in the way of seeing that person. freshly and meeting that person without my bias about them.

[09:39]

But aversion has a way sometimes of solidifying. So I think it's good to recognize it when it comes up. And then in terms of aversion to something in the community that happens in the community, I won't... I might have, for example, when I'm not doing Night Watch now that I'm director, but I used to do it every month, and it was something that I often dreaded. There was this part of it that is wonderful, I think, about feeling that you're putting the community to bed in a way, checking all the windows and the doors, and putting away the food in the small kitchen, but... I often had trouble sleeping when I was night watch, and so I would know the next morning I'd be tired and tried to figure out what day I could do it so that I wouldn't really be hard the next day if I was going to work.

[10:41]

I usually did it on a Saturday night, so I wouldn't feel tired during the week when I was working. But that kind of finding something that is offered in the kitchen. For example, for me, it's sesame soybeans. Some people love sesame soybeans, but I have an aversion to sesame soybeans. So we might find different things that come up. It might be a soji assignment, whatever it is, just noticing what that aversion is. And then in terms of the wider world, We live in a world that's full of challenges. We walk out the door and meet people who have no place to live. There are sirens. There's hunger in our city.

[11:45]

If we think about the wider world, some of the... areas that don't have enough water, places where people don't have enough food, war, animals whose habitats are being threatened. And being aware of that is sometimes very painful. So we might choose not to read the newspaper or listen to the news or just not want to hear about certain things because they can be very overwhelming. So these are all some of the ways in which we may experience aversion. And I'd like to just invite you to take a moment, just a moment of silence, to think about in your own life today or this week, in what way are you experiencing aversion, whether it's towards yourself, someone else, something about your community or the world.

[12:54]

Perhaps you've thought of something. And then just take a moment to notice how that aversion arises in you. Do you notice any physical sensation or any emotion around it? So I'm not going to ask you to share what arose, but just to notice it and then to think about, okay, so having these feelings of aversion, dissatisfaction, dislike, whatever, irritation, whatever came up for you, how do we work with

[14:18]

that experience, and how do we practice with it? How do we meet it without being overwhelmed by it? So at this point, I'd like to share the poem by Jane Hirshfield. It's called A Cedary Fragrance. Jane Hirshfield is a local poet, and in her 20s, she spent quite a bit of time at Tassajara. And the poem derives from some of her experience there. A Cedary Fragrance. Even now, decades after, I wash my face with cold water. not for discipline, nor memory, nor the icy awakening slap, but to practice choosing to make the unwanted wanted.

[15:29]

I'll read that again. Even now, decades after, I wash my face with cold water. At Tassajara, there's just cold water, so there's no choice about it. but not for discipline, nor memory, nor the icy awakening slap, but to practice choosing to make the unwanted wanted. So in this way of meeting the unwanted or aversion, to actually turn towards it, to see what it's like instead of pushing it away to... fully experience it by choice and to see how that resonates. So, you know, I could imagine in our city life to instead of walking past someone who's homeless, to really look in the face of that person.

[16:42]

or to have a conversation with them, or to respond to their request in some way, if they make a request of you. So to turn towards rather than turning away from something we might feel aversion to. And that can be also to turn towards a difficult emotion we might be having. fear or anger and to explore it and to really be open to it. And it might be having a difficult conversation with somebody, eating some sesame soybeans or reading the newspaper. In terms of global issues, there's a way I learned in, I first experienced this work in 1982 with Joanna Macy, who, she's a Buddhist teacher and activist, and she's done a lot of work over the decades in helping people come face to face with some of the

[18:10]

challenging situations in our world, environmental destruction, war, the threat of nuclear war, and other situations that are really hard to face. The work was called despair and empowerment work when she first developed it. And she would bring groups of people together and lead us through, I'll say us because I went to several of her workshops. Sometimes they were a whole weekend long, sometimes they were just a day. And people would come together and begin to, by talking about what we loved about the world, and then looking at some of the concerns that we had had about the world, but doing it in a way, it was an experiential way where we could actually feel our fear for the world, our upset, anger, concern, and sometimes despair and express those feelings and then begin to, with the support of others in the room, begin to envision how we would like the world to be and then

[19:36]

near the end of the workshop, we would also think about what action we could take, whether small or large, that might make a difference and might help us move towards the kind of world that we wanted to see or the kind of environment that we would like to see happen. And her latest book is called Coming... Her latest book about this work, she's still doing this work and doing it all over the world. It's called coming back to life because when we avoid or don't really want to let in the pain that's around us, we can numb ourselves and actually in avoiding and Not dealing with those painful situations maybe also lessen our ability to feel joy.

[20:40]

So despair and empowerment work, I think the empowerment comes from actually being able to do something, however small, to express your concern. And I think this is part of the power of what's happening now with the Occupy Wall Street and all of the groups that are spreading all around the country. People are feeling so much frustration about the inequalities in our economic situations and so many people out of work and losing homes. And I think that this is an example of being able to express some of that concern with other people in a way that we don't know what's going to happen with it and whether this movement will make a difference, but I'm sure it makes a difference to the people who participate in it, just to know that their concerns have a way of being expressed.

[21:57]

Another way of working with aversion, I think, is allowing our perspectives to change, to widen, and to be able to listen to people with whom we may be in disagreement, with whom we are disagreeing, put it that way. And often, as I mentioned earlier, we may get into... fixed views, having an idea of someone which becomes then rigid and turns into a belief. In the precepts class, we were studying the precept about not lying but speaking truthfully. And one of the books that I really enjoy reading about the precepts is called Waking Up, To What You Do by Diane Rizzetto. And she tells a story about Mara that I'd like to share with you.

[23:06]

She says, and this is in the chapter about speaking truthfully. One day, Mara was traveling along the road with some of his attendants and noticed a man doing walking meditation. The man's face glowed with delight. It seems he had just discovered something on the ground in front of him. Noticing the glow lighting the man's face, one of Mara's attendants asked the god what the man has discovered. Mara answered, It seems he has discovered a piece of the truth. His attendant grew quite excited and exclaimed, But you are the god of deception. Aren't you bothered by the fact that someone has found a piece of truth? Mara answered, I'm not troubled in the least. Why not? asked his attendant. Because, Mara replied, chuckling, no sooner do people discover a little truth than they make a belief out of it.

[24:09]

And she calls this the certainty principle, that certainty is seductive. It can make us feel safe and comfortable. But it also really limits our ability to be open and flexible in a situation that's difficult. And that phrase, not holding to fixed views, it's part of the loving kindness meditation. I think it's something that we can all work with and aspire to and just to notice when we're getting into a rigid view about someone or or something and try to meet that person or situation freshly. So sometimes we can find that opening through talking with friends or teachers and getting...

[25:20]

another perspective or just creating more spaciousness around our own ideas. And I'd like to read the poem by Marie Howe, which addresses this. I'm just going to check the time. Okay. So this poem is called My Dead Friends. I have begun when I'm weary and can't decide an answer to a bewildering question to ask my dead friends for their opinion, and the answer is often immediate and clear. Should I take the job, move to the city? Should I try to conceive a child in my middle age? They stand in unison, shaking their heads and smiling. Whatever leads to joy, they always answer, to more life and less worry. I look into the vase where Billy's ashes were.

[26:22]

It's green in there, a green vase. And I ask Billy if I should return the difficult phone call. And he says, yes. Billy's already gone through the frightening door. Whatever he says, I'll do. I'll read this one again. I think sometimes it helps to hear a poem twice. So, I have begun when I'm weary and can't decide an answer to a bewildering question to ask my dead friends for their opinion, and the answer is often immediate and clear. Should I take the job, move to the city? Should I try to conceive a child in my middle age? They stand in unison, shaking their heads and smiling. Whatever leads to joy, they always answer, to more life and less worry.

[27:26]

I look into the vase where Billy's ashes were. It's green in there, a green vase. And I ask Billy if I should return the difficult phone call. And he says, yes. Billy's already gone through the frightening door. Whatever he says, I'll do. So there may be people in your life, whether they're alive or dead, who you think of or talk to when you have a difficult question, a difficult phone call to make or a conversation that you're not looking forward to or a situation where you really don't know what to do. And I think this answer that Marie Howe hears from her dead friends, whatever leads to joy, can you find that thread?

[28:28]

And sometimes the thing that leads to joy is actually dealing with a situation that's difficult. And there can be a great joy when a conflict is resolved or a difficult conversation leads to a deeper understanding with the other person. And a lot of energy can be released. So I think that advice from people we hold dear, whether they're with us or in our minds, can be very helpful. and dealing with aversion or any kind of difficult situation. So after reading that poem, I took a stab at a poem, and my poem is called Whatever Leads to Joy.

[29:31]

So I thought I would share that with you. Whatever Leads to Joy... The day of my 71st birthday, I woke too early, troubled. I did not want to wake worried, and the not wanting only created another layer of dissatisfaction. Later, I had the unwanted conversations, and I still felt tense and tight. It was the day we celebrated the planting of four Japanese maples in front of the urban temple I call home. In their golden presence, we stood on the sidewalk, offered incense, and chanted while an ambulance screamed past. In that moment of joy, I realized nothing was extra. I'll read that one again as well. Whatever leads to joy. The day of my 71st birthday, I woke too early, troubled.

[30:36]

I did not want to wake worried. and the not wanting only created another layer of dissatisfaction. Later I had the unwanted conversations and still felt tense and tight. It was the day we celebrated the planting of four Japanese maples in front of the urban temple I call home. In their golden presence we stood on the sidewalk, offered incense, and chanted while an ambulance screamed past. In that moment of joy, I realized nothing was extra, even the ambulance. Sometimes, you know, living in the city, there are a lot of ambulances that go by. And I learned something from the rabbi of my synagogue. One time, she was giving her drash or her sermon, and an ambulance went by, and she said, may they get there in time.

[31:39]

And so now when I hear an ambulance, I appreciate that that ambulance is maybe saving someone's life. May they get there in time. But anyway, when we were chanting on the sidewalk and the ambulance went by, it just seemed, okay, this is our life in the city. It's celebrating the trees and hearing the ambulance and all part of part of our experience, not to turn away from any of it. So I think I will just end with a few words from a friend. My friend Mushim Ikeda Nash lives in Oakland. And she teaches at the East Bay Meditation Center.

[32:42]

And on the day of the Oakland strike, she went to the Occupy Oakland site and led a meditation. And then she walked around. And I think her experience is an illustration of meeting everything that comes kind of with openness. things we might want to push away, just allowing space for those things too. If there's one thing I've learned in two decades of occupying the many spaces I've occupied in Oakland, it is far too diverse with too many constantly moving pieces to be reduced to any single description or formula or solution. It's large and sprawling and and small and tightly knit in its communities. It's gritty and dangerous and filled with blooming plants, and it's reassuringly familiar and relaxing.

[33:47]

Many of its systems are corrupt and dysfunctional, and there are kids learning to read, and there are kinsanyaras, forgive my pronunciation, and people getting acupuncture, And there is depression and rage and joy and boredom and contentment. None of this is unusual. None of this is to be taken for granted. And none of this is far from my meditation practice. So may we all turn towards what is unwanted, stay with it, and find whatever leads to joy. Thank you very much for your attention. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma.

[34:51]

For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[35:01]

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