This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So one day the Buddha was... walking through one of the compounds of bhikkhus and Ananda was with him. And he was pointing out different senior teachers and he'd say, you see this one, Ananda? He excels in and he names something. It could be memorization, it could be chanting, it could be in supernormal powers, whatever. And then he got to a group and he said, you see that group right there? They excel in being busybodies. And so it's just a little warning, you know, that if you think that when you get closer to the flame, to the fire, to the juice, that everything is perfect, and that's what allows you to believe that it's not like that. Those who were outside come inside.

[01:01]

So who was outside the monastery is now inside, and they come with everything that they have, everything that they are. It's just you're now in close proximity. And so he gave a teaching on friendship. And it's important to know because he said the whole of spiritual life. Well, actually, Ananda was walking with me and said, you know, this is pretty good. But it's just to have these companions. It's half of the spiritual life. He said, oh, don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Good friends in the Dharma are the whole of spiritual life. So we have to qualify what a good friend is. And it's not necessarily just the one that is there next to you in the zendo, in the monastery, but there are qualities of being that characterize a good friend. So you know the old saying, birds of a feather flock together. So if you're not that happy with your friends, maybe you need to do a check.

[02:07]

We need to see what kind of friend we are. You know, the Buddha talked about different kinds of friends. You know, we all know about the fair weather friend. It's so good to see you again. We talk about the fair weather friend. And that's the one who's there when things are going good. But when things are not going so good, you can't find him. So you have to ask yourself, am I that kind of friend? You see, everything is a reflection, a practice, something that we have to first eat of ourselves. And then when we know it inside, we know it outside. So if I ask myself, am I a fair-weather friend, then I will understand something about that. And I can abandon that.

[03:10]

What I have seen directly for myself is not wholesome. It's not beneficial. It's not conducive to having a friend that's there for me when I am in need. Do I have the kind of friends that they agree with me? Actually, if you don't agree with me, you're not my friend. Some of us have friends like that. So whether I'm doing right or whether I'm doing wrong, doing good or doing bad, they're still my friend. They take up for me. Even when I'm wrong. The Buddha said, that is not a friend. A friend will tell you when you are wrong. So I have to ask myself, am I that type of friend? Am I that kind of friend? That no matter what my friend does, even when it's wrong, I'll stand behind him.

[04:11]

I won't say, friend, don't do that. It is not right. I will not say, friend, if you do that, you'll have to do it by yourself. Why? Because there's the fear of losing our friends. So I have to examine myself. Am I that kind of friend? Am I willing to to do wrong, willing to compromise my own inner integrity and to help a friend in going astray because I'm afraid that I'll lose if I don't. It's a great fear that we have in not being able to speak truthfully, not being able to say what is true. Oh, we don't have any problems. If you're not our friend, I can read you up and down. But if you're my friend, I'm going to be more circumspect, more careful in how I talk if I want you to be with me.

[05:19]

There was a lady at our songer, and I hope I didn't tell the story before. If I did, how many were here the last time I was here? Oh, wonderful. Most of you haven't heard it. So I can just tell the story again. And she came to me and she said, Paniwadi, I need help, I need help. I belong to a country club and my friends are just treating me terribly. And I said, well, what's wrong? They said, well, you know, there was just one friend and he was unhappy with me. And he started sending me emails. And then he started sending me hate mail. And then he started talking to our mutual friends. And now they're all against me. And I just don't know what to do. And she was just crying and crying and crying. And I said, well, why are they doing that? She said, well, because I'm voting for Obama. So I said, okay, so what would you like me to do?

[06:20]

She said, well... I just want my friends back. I said, well, if they're sending hate mail to you, first of all, you have to really decide whether they're your friends. And if they are your friends, do you really want that kind of friend? I said, but second, if you do want them back, then take that Obama sticker off your car, stop talking about them, keep your voting preferences personal, and you have your friends back. That's it. So sometimes we have to choose. or what's important to us. Sometimes you just can't have it both ways. Sometimes you can have it both ways, but sometimes you cannot. So we have to choose what's important to us. That's not our friend's job. That's not our friend's fault. So we have to ask ourselves, are we that kind of friend? You know, the kind that if we have a little falling out situation,

[07:21]

I go to all of our other mutual friends and I tell them what you did. Can I keep a confidence? In the Bible it says, he who is of a faithful nature concealeth a matter. Now that doesn't mean do all manner wrong and hide it. It was speaking about a certain quality and that was the quality of faithfulness, of holding a confidence. of trying to work behind the scenes to correct something, not airing the dirty laundry in front of everybody. Treating others as you would want to be treated. We don't always do right. None of us do, unless there are any Buddhas in the room. But sometimes we make a boo-boo, as my grandson would say. Sometimes we make a misstep. Sometimes we don't use the best judgment.

[08:25]

And when that occurs, if we don't want to be found out, but if we are found out, we want a friend to find us out. And then we would want grace and compassion from that friend. Maybe to point us... in the right direction, to help us and encourage us and strengthen us, that we can make a change, that we can do the right thing, that we can acknowledge maybe the wrong thing that we've done. We can try to make amends. But there's a way that we want it done. We don't want to shout it from the rooftop. So in the Sangha, when one is whispering about another, we have to ask, what kind of friend am I? And what kind of friend is that that has just come to me. Who knows I might be the one that they're whispering about next time. And so we have to consider all of these things. You see, this is part of our practice.

[09:26]

This is who we are. As the kids say, this is what we do. You know, it's not the reading, it's not the chanting, it's not all of the rituals we go through, and some of them are very beautiful. You know, it's not that. But it's how we conduct ourselves in thought, in action, in speech, moment by moment. And this is where we concentrate our practice. You know, I just love the notion... that we're just sitting, nowhere to go, and nothing to do. That's when we have arrived there. Before that time, there is somewhere to go, and there's something to do. When the sixth patriarch was talking about he had already attained, and he could say, there's nowhere to go, and there is nothing to do. So it's sort of a paradox, you might say. You have to see both sides of it, and you have to Test the wind to see which side you're leaning towards right now in this moment.

[10:30]

Somebody asked me one time, what do you do with prayer, Panyawadi? I said, well, when I am recognizing my Buddha nature, I meditate. And when I'm wavering, I pray. And so I have a place... I have a place for it. And Christian asked me that question and he went away happy. He went away feeling like he could listen to something. He could hear something that the Buddha had to say just because I used the P word. And so we can learn how to be skillful but really to see truly the Buddha said you can know something and you can say this is true. But he said, never say, but this only is true. That's when we fall into a trap. We have our truth. We know our truth. But he said, don't cling to that. We can't cling to anything.

[11:30]

And if we start clinging to anything, our way, our view, our expounding of the truth, then we will miss some of what there is. It's why I can go anywhere. I can be comfortable with anybody. I see all as my friend. And where I am lacking and understanding something or penetrating something, I'm looking for that to be made manifest in my presence so I can receive from you. A friend is one who will hear another, who will consider what another says, and who will ponder what they offer with a good heart. Doesn't mean we have to take it in and walk with it, but we can just receive what's offered in a good heart. That means we can also give what we have with a good heart.

[12:33]

So I have to ask myself, am I that kind? A friend is one who will come to your aid in the time of need. And you don't have to beg either. A friend is one who will know, who is sensitive, who is connected, who is touched by your feeling of infirmity. and will come to your rescue. They will come and say, is there something I can do for you? If they know that there is something, they won't ask if. It's something about the if word. If I have offended you, please forgive me. I was having a discussion with... really wasn't a young man but an older man in our sangha.

[13:37]

And if this is recorded and you ever hear it, friend, know that no one knows it's you. This has not been shared with anybody in the sangha. And He was using our gathering place as a place to hit up on the ladies. And in all other respects, a wonderful man. Skillful in a lot of ways. But he had a certain lifestyle that just seemed perfectly normal. to him. I mean, after all, if you want a woman, you want a good woman. What better place to look for her than in the dojo? So we tried to explain to him that if there's a mutual attraction, fine.

[14:44]

I have no problem with that. But if your first introduction is, hi, I'm John and I'm on the prowl, and you look good to me, then there is something wrong with that. That's not what we do. Not what we're organized around. That's not what we do. And so he said, well, I don't see anything wrong with it. I'm a lover. I spread love. So I said, then you need to sit on your pillow for a little while to find out. the right kind of love. And after having this conversation, because someone had come to me. She'd only been in the Dharma Hall for two weeks. And she felt a little nervous. I had to be sensitive to that. I'm not a babysitter.

[15:44]

And I'm not trying to be one. And she's a grown woman. But if she comes to me with that, then I need to be sensitive that something is happening here that might not be beneficial to someone. And even if we're harmless in our intent, if, you know, people come in for all kinds of reasons and they come in in all kinds of mental states and emotional states. So we who are strong, we should bear the infirmities of the weak. We should be there ready and willing to even take down, to be misunderstood, you know, if necessary. Until the other one gets stronger. You know, that's part of our practice. Accepting defeat and giving the victory to others. This is where our growth comes. This is how overcome the world, how we surmount all obstacles.

[16:48]

Our muscles have to be exercised in a certain way. And so I shared with him her feeling, how she viewed the encounter. And we had this conversation and I thought everything was okay. And the very next week somebody else comes. So then it required a second encounter. And I just sort of had to put him in time out. So time out means he can sit in his room, not in our room, while he ponders these things. And so sometimes that's necessary. I tell you, In one respect, it was a hard decision for me because I need help. And he was very qualified and skillful to give me a certain kind of help that I needed.

[17:55]

And to the one who had just come in two weeks earlier and she's coming with all her issues, she's coming with all her drama, that's the way I could think about it. That's the way the world would think about it. You know, we just have to do what's expedient. But that's not the Buddha way. So we have to ask ourselves, are we bringing over our worldly ways, our worldly views, our worldly assessments, and are we bringing them into this special place? If so, in a little while, a very little while, what's out there will be in here and will be locked in by the four walls. No place to run. Nowhere to hide. No route of escape.

[19:03]

And so the Buddha taught them about friendship. but not just about friendship like person to person. He taught about qualities of being, and that's impersonal. So you wonder how can impersonal talk touch us in a very deep way. It is perplexing, but it is possible. You see, because the more we align ourselves with the truth, the more there becomes only the truth. And this notion of this personal self with all of her needs, her neediness, her feelings, her views, her perspectives, all of that starts to diminish, starts to waft away, starts to drop off, starts to fall away. And there just becomes the Dharma.

[20:10]

It becomes the reality, the truth evident in the 10,000 things. And there's no more such a thought about me and about myself and about mine. You see, as long as we're so firmly entrenched and attached to that, it becomes impossible. to exercise right judgment, right view, right understanding. But as we loosen our grip in this way, in that gap, that right view can arise. And it begins to inform us in a way that our view changes. So the decisions that we can make are based on what is beneficial, what is useful, what is correct.

[21:16]

It can be based on compassion and combined with wisdom. We can know how to speak in every situation. We can know how to carry ourselves in every situation. There is a confidence that arises with this in the power of the Dharma to heal, to deliver, to set free. Before we can get to some of the spaces that we want to get to, we have to start at ground level. Sometimes we're just decorating our rooms and we haven't even laid the foundation. And then we find ourselves in a situation, and how do we act? We act like ordinary human beings. We should always think of ourselves as ordinary, but yet we should always carry ourselves extraordinarily.

[22:29]

Sometimes when we read the Dharma, we understand it in a certain way. And we apply it to the wrong situation. So it can be truly stated, but in the way that we use it, the way that we apply it, where we place it, you know, it is not really a statement of truth. Let's think about that. So we have to be careful how and where, in what circumstances, under what conditions we apply the truth of the Dharma. The quintessential practice of friendship. It is the whole of spiritual. Life, joy, peace.

[23:43]

It's what we're all after. It's why we came through the door. Looking for an escape from our suffering. Not knowing that we will find and be confronted with that suffering in this very space. And if you didn't know, I'm telling you now. Okay, so... So now you're without excuse. You know, I want to go back to that story just for a minute. Because, you know, there was an immediate action that I felt needed to be taken. With compassion, but with clarity. And after the meeting, then I had the three of them meet. And I allowed each one to express how they received the advance.

[24:44]

And after hearing, he said, well, if I have offended you, I said, no. And actually, I had the monk talk with him. And he said, wait a minute. No if. They just told you that you did. So a friend is one who can listen. And we may not always agree. But are you willing to listen? So I have to ask myself, am I that kind of friend? When you come to me, even with your complaint, can I listen?

[25:55]

And if you say I have offended you, can I accept? We sit alone and we face the wall. We go inside and we ponder things. We do really good in there by ourselves. It's when we come back out. And we are pressed upon by one another. It is in that space that we have to Know what we're made of. In the Bible it speaks of an evil man runs when nothing is chasing him.

[27:00]

So are you thinking all the time that somebody's thinking about you or talking about you? or looking at you, or wanting what you have, or, you know, what are you thinking about? You know, and we have to be so careful about projection because whatever we're thinking about, we just project that on you, you know. We project that on the other person. These are all the things we have to ponder. And we have to make a clear intention to be radically honest with ourselves about such things. It's hard to look at ourselves. It's easy to look at others. But this is a practice of looking at oneself, penetrating

[28:09]

Until we completely eradicate all of those aspects that define us as us. Until all that is left is the truth. All that remains is the Dharma. Some say we have the Buddha seed, the Buddha nature already in us. I will say we certainly have the potential. And in order to have the potential, perhaps the seed has to be there. But having the potential is not the thing.

[29:19]

There's so many conditions that have to manifest in order to bring forth the fruit. Even with the best seed. It takes the right amount of rain at the right time. The right amount of shade. The right amount of sunshine. A planting in the ripe soil. All these things are necessary to bring forth the good fruit. There's a germinating period. Something has to happen inside before the seed even cracks open. And there is the cracking open.

[30:29]

We want to be the butterfly, but a butterfly struggles to come into existence. And that struggle is its transformation. So if you think of struggle in this way, then struggle is a good thing. It's true, no pain, no gain. But we're already in pain. the movement out of pain may become more critically painful. But yet, there's this, I can say this because I'm a mother. You guys, you just don't know about it. But in that moment of childbirth, I mean, it's the most painful thing I ever experienced.

[31:34]

Once, once, now. Even in the midst of that pain, there was the awareness, the knowledge of something coming forward that was so extraordinary. The birth of something that overshadowed the pain in a certain way. The physical pain was still there. But the heart was strengthened and the mind was strengthened to expand its capacity to allow this birthing process to give it place in me. So that's how it is.

[32:38]

Don't be afraid. We have to examine ourselves to know what manner of friend we are. It says, how can two walk together except they agree? Oh, fundamentally we have to agree. We don't have to agree on every single thing, but there should be some fundamental agreement on what is true. What is how we should be. How we mutually agree to walk out our lives. What things we agree we will do and not do. How we will make amends when we've made a misstep. How we will sit down and reason together. to do it in the Sangha.

[33:45]

We have to recognize that it is necessary in the Sangha. We all come from different backgrounds. Our experiences inform, impact our reality. And mine is not yours. Sometimes I'm so happy when I see a diverse sangha. It's so wonderful. Because it's not difficult to envision it, but it is difficult to attain it and to maintain it because it takes maintenance. It takes tweaking. Because we are products. of our experience.

[34:53]

Today time doesn't permit for me to tell you some stories that inform my experience. When the Ku Klux Klan came for me when I was 13 and how I sit today with an all Caucasian sangha right there in North Carolina. where the KKK came for me. And they still meet down the street. It's a story to tell. But there is something that I had to come to grips with. To be the Dharma. And it wasn't any work that anybody on the outside had to do. I had to face my own fears. I had to face my own anger. I had to face my own hatred.

[35:54]

I had to face my own ignorance. I had to give myself compassion. And I had to be truthful, radically honest with myself to be transformed. to be delivered. I had to be an island to my own self. But when that happened, then I could be a bodhisattva in that regard. I could tell somebody about something because I had become it. Until that time, you can't. There's so much blah, blah. But the transmission comes forward when the true transformation has occurred. So this is a space where we can transform.

[36:57]

But it takes something. You understand what I mean? It takes being able to sit together. It takes being able to hear the hard things. It takes being able to accommodate a slight. It takes... being able to hold a hurt feeling. But in the holding of it, we are able to utterly surmount it. Yes, he is teaching us how to become good friends. And it is the whole of spiritual life. But there's somewhere to go after that. we just become the pure Dharma. The pure Dharma needs no friend.

[38:00]

It stands alone. That is our ultimate objective. But the portal, the doorway is through cultivating the quality of friendship. May we fully enjoy the Dormel.

[38:52]

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