This podcast is offered by San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. So we've begun. Today is the first morning of Sashin. And actually I already feel like it's somehow quieter here. And you know, Sashin,

[01:11]

presents this quite rare and wonderful opportunity. But what is it? What is that opportunity? What are we doing here? So recently in my practice, I've been kind of seeing this question come up again and again. And you know, sitting with it and maybe not trying to answer it right away or accept the first answer that I hear or feel.

[02:14]

bringing it to teachers and friends and seeing what they understand, what they can help me see. So recently that question for me has been, what does it mean to fully let go in zazen? Maybe something even comes to mind for you in just hearing that question. And I think I have ideas about that and I hear other ideas or I read things

[03:28]

maybe some sort of conceptual feeling about what zazen is or how we kind of give over to it, how we let go. But the first question, you know, just as those ideas start to arise is quickly followed by the second question, which is kind of what keeps us from What keeps us from experiencing that? And I think I've been really appreciating in the last couple of classes and the last few teas, You know, Paul's encouragement to view this feeling of letting go, this feeling of immediacy of our experience, of opening to our surroundings in this, you know, in this very moment.

[05:02]

on the one hand, and then on the other hand, you know, the myriad ways that we're distracted or wrestling with something or feeling a little off or a little disconnected or something. And so to see both of these experiences as our practice not see practice as kind of getting rid of one to gain the other, which is completely our, a really natural kind of tendency of our mind. I'd like to read just a little bit of a lecture that Suzuki Roshi gave called Calmness of Mind.

[06:21]

He said, Shikantaza, our zazen, is just to be ourselves. When we do not expect anything, we can be ourselves. This is our way to live fully in each moment of time. This practice continues forever. So usually when we hear the word shikantaza, we have kind of... You know, maybe if we've been around Zen for some time, some idea of what that might mean. Maybe some experience or taste of what that might feel like.

[07:27]

But, you know, just this morning I'm struck in reading this that it almost feels to me like Suzuki Roshi is also saying that our Zazen, which is just to be ourselves, and to me that includes kind of both of these experiences of openness and awareness and immediacy and you know, resisting or wrestling or struggling, that all of that is actually just us being ourselves. That all of that is actually zazen. He says, we say each moment

[08:41]

but in your actual practice, a moment is too long because in that moment, your mind is already involved in following the breath. So we say, even in a snap of your fingers, there are a million instants of time. This way we can emphasize the feeling of existing in each instant of time. then your mind is very quiet. He says, so for a period of time each day, try to sit in Shikantaza without moving, without expecting anything. as if it were your last moment.

[09:46]

Moment after moment, you feel your last instant. In each inhalation and each exhalation, there are countless instants of time. Your intention is to live in each instant. So in a way, that's the sort of strictness of Sashin. It's kind of a, it's kind of like vowing to save all beings, to be, to live in each instant But if we don't try, if we don't try now, when will we?

[11:03]

somehow this intention, I wanna be awake, I wanna be myself, starts us on this kind of circle of maybe experiencing being yourself in an instant of time or experiencing being awake in an instant of time and then losing touch with that, missing that, judging ourselves for losing touch with that. You know, and this circle just kind of goes on and on, day after day in Sashin. And yet kind of the more we're intending to be present for this sort of cycle, the more easy I think it can be to just accept whichever is kind of occurring now.

[12:38]

So this, this mind of, okay, yeah, this is what's happening right now. Kind of acknowledging. Sometimes Paul says, so be it. If this moment of time is the reality of our suffering, so be it. Suzuki Roshi says, first practice

[13:45]

smoothly exhaling, then inhaling. Calmness of mind is beyond the end of your exhalation. If you exhale smoothly without even trying to exhale, you are entering into the complete perfect calmness of your mind. You do not exist anymore. When you exhale in this way, then naturally your inhalation will start from there. All that fresh blood bringing everything from outside will pervade your body. You are completely refreshed. Then you start to exhale, to extend that fresh feeling into emptiness. So moment after moment, without trying to do anything, you continue Shikantaza.

[14:55]

I think when I first started asking this question, you know, what does it mean to fully let go in zazen? That I had, you know, sometimes still have a expectation of that there's a key, there's something I can understand and remember and do. And then it looks something like this exhaling completely without kind of any thought of the next moment, without any thought of the next inhalation. And then when that inhalation comes, just receiving that naturally, oh, okay, it's time to inhale. And yet that's not necessarily my experience of sitting in zazen all that often.

[16:37]

And I kind of am becoming clear of my preference for having that kind of experience. how can we kind of develop this ability, this acceptance of this whole range of experiences that we have when we sit, that we have in Sushin. It's just the experience of this moment that's not lacking in any way. Part of that, you know, is the study of the moments when we don't feel like we're exhaling smoothly and completely.

[18:02]

Maybe the moments where we don't even kind of know that we're exhaling at all or inhaling or that some elaborate, intriguing story, you know, and occupying the bulk of our experience. you know, how do we, you know, to study that, that aspect of our mind, you know, that's, and I think it can be a lifelong study, of course.

[19:09]

You know, maybe one aspect that's been helpful for me is that when I become kind of conscious that there's some very intriguing story happening in my mind and I can kind of, I think the first step is just sort of knowing that it's happening, like there's something going on up there, what is that? And then that kind of can open to actually hearing what the, sometimes it just sounds like a kind of a dull roar in the background or something. kind of becoming curious and bringing some attention to that story. Often what I look for is not the particulars, not like who said what to me or how I'm going to reply in some future conversation, but what's the tone here?

[20:20]

What's the kind of, That's the energetic feeling of this particular conversation or story in my mind. And often if I can sense or kind of start to feel actually physically the tone of that story, it can bring the experience kind of back to like a feeling or an emotion. I'm upset. Oh, I'm angry. I'm just realizing that now. I didn't quite know that, but the sort of content of this story is sort of pointing me there. And then just to see if we can kind of enter that feeling in our body

[21:27]

that the sort of chatter is just one symbol of. And maybe the chatter kind of recedes into the background and we just sense like, oh yeah, that is, that's upset, that's restlessness, that's boredom. You know, without even needing to give it a name, but to, to kind of choose the experience of the emotion or the feeling in our body can kind of release us from the endless chatter of the story. So that's just one example, but there's myriad ways in all of our bodies and minds in which which we discover kind of what's happening.

[22:34]

So Suzuki Roshi continues, complete shikantaza may be difficult because of the pain in your legs when you are sitting cross-legged. But even though you have pain in your legs, you can do it. Even though your practice is not good enough, you can do it. Even though, he says, your breathing will gradually vanish. You will gradually vanish, fading into emptiness. Inhaling without effort, you naturally come back to yourself in some color or form. Exhaling, you gradually fade into emptiness, empty white paper. That is shikantaza. The important point is your exhalation.

[23:51]

Instead of trying to feel yourself as you inhale, fade into emptiness as you exhale. So I find this instruction really helpful. And it's said in a number of different contexts, but this understanding that kind of, as we inhale, like the world outside of our physical body is kind of coming in, we're accepting the air,

[24:56]

And this wakes our senses up. And I think it's also that, you know, oxygen's coming to our body, like there's a feeling of being refreshed, but also kind of, oh, this is me, I'm here. That's kind of the feeling of inhaling. And then exhaling is this kind of mysterious thing of letting go. So we can't force that to happen. But we can have an intention to be there for its happening, to follow our exhale. and see how it kind of can give us this feeling of maybe just a little less solidity to what I think is here, a little more permeability.

[26:22]

And I actually had an epiphany one time at Tasahara about the word following. So I'd heard this meditation instruction to follow your breath. And I always thought that meant to watch it, to kind of be aware of it, to be paying attention to it. And then one day it just suddenly struck me as so literal. It's actually like following, like you're behind, you know, you're not the one leading, you're the one trailing. And that's your kind of, your awareness is trailing behind what's already happening. You're already breathing out. So following your breath is like kind of taking your, you know, your manipulating self, your kind of, I want to make it work, I want to do it right.

[27:27]

And just putting that in the back seat of the car and kind of watch where you're already going. So Suzuki Roshi says of this kind of exhaling that when you practice this in your last moment, you will have nothing to be afraid of. You are actually aiming at emptiness. You become one with everything. after you completely exhale with this feeling. If you are still alive, naturally you will inhale again. Oh, I'm still alive, fortunately or unfortunately. Then you start to exhale and fade back into emptiness.

[28:28]

Maybe you don't know what kind of feeling it is but some of you know it. By some chance, you must have felt this kind of feeling. So there's a Japanese Zen teacher who, This is a student of Uchiyama Roshis who often spends time here and his name is Isho Fujita. And he said something to me one time that was really helpful in terms of helping me kind of

[29:35]

sense maybe what this open awareness of zazen, this open awareness of shikantaza might feel like. And he said that to sit in zazen is to be balanced in all of your senses. So that means that you're open to the experience of this moment, of this body, of the people around you, of light and air and movement. But there's a kind of an equalness from which you're receiving this. There's an equalness of kind of visual stimulation and what you're hearing. So in traditional teachings, you know, the mind, the activity of the mind is one of the senses.

[30:46]

So that it's not necessarily an absence of thought, but that, you know, our thought or our kind of the sort of natural functioning of the mind is just balanced with also what we're hearing, what we're seeing, smelling, tasting. And I think what's helpful about this isn't necessarily that we can control this, we can't sort of turn off our hearing and turn up our tasting, but that it's a signpost. when my mind is so active that I'm kind of unaware of the sounds around me. That's kind of helpful.

[31:48]

Oh, okay. My mind's really churning right now. Suzuki Roshi says, when you do this practice, you cannot easily become angry. And by this practice, he means this sort of fully giving over to the exhale and then almost being surprised that we inhale again. He says, when you are more interested in inhaling than exhaling, you easily become quite angry.

[32:52]

You are always trying to be alive. The other day, my friend had a heart attack and all he could do was exhale. He couldn't inhale. That was a terrible feeling, he said. At that moment, if he could have practiced exhaling as we do, aiming for emptiness, then I think he would not have felt so bad. The great joy for us is exhaling rather than inhaling. When my friend kept trying to inhale, he thought he couldn't inhale anymore. If he could have exhaled smoothly and completely, then I think another inhalation would have come more easily. To take care of the exhalation is very important.

[33:54]

To die is more important than trying to be alive. When we always try to be alive, we have trouble. Rather than trying to be alive or active, if we can be calm and die or fade away into emptiness, then naturally we will be all right. Buddha will take care of us. Because we have lost our mother's bosom, we do not feel like her child anymore. Yet fading away into emptiness can feel like being at our mother's bosom, and we will feel as though she will take care of us. Moment after moment, do not lose this practice of shikantaza. I think this takes a pretty profound trust in a way to exhale like we're dying, like we're giving up something that feels very precious to us.

[35:38]

I think the trust is that in doing so, we feel assured that we'll breathe in again, come back to life, but also that we'll become flexible at kind of giving over and taking up again. You know, I think this metaphor that Suzuki Roshi's using through his friend of kind of only being able to do one thing and how scary that is, like only being able to inhale or struggling to inhale. I think we can all imagine how scary that must feel. But practice gives us this opportunity, this chance to

[36:42]

to trust that whatever's happening is okay. To not try and manipulate our experience quite so much, you know. Does somebody know how we're doing for time? Okay, so four minutes. Does that sound good? Okay. I guess I just wanna say that I'm really happy to be here with all of you.

[37:51]

I think Sashin will always be a mystery to me. But I almost always feel excited to be in this space. It is precious. And it's a chance to just be yourself. You know, we don't have to make small talk. We don't have to smile at everybody we pass. Just whatever you're experiencing is the practice of sashim. I guess maybe one tip I'll give is that there's a balance of effort and kind of ease that even if we don't understand it, Sashin eventually teaches us, but sometimes those are hard lessons.

[39:11]

So at some point in doing Sashins, I discovered that for me, Day one was kind of oddly a rest day. So every break in the schedule, after every meal, my intention was to go directly back to my room and lay down. And if I needed to sleep, I would sleep for the break. And then... you know, maybe the same day two. And then day three, maybe the energy of Sashin starts to tell you that you don't need the rest anymore. Maybe it doesn't, you know, of course for everybody it's different, but I think one thing I've learned doing a number of Sashins is

[40:22]

to not come at it with such intensity on day one. So to kind of just arrive here, be gentle with yourself. And then there are times, you know, sitting at night or times to push, push our boundaries of what we think we can do or what we think we're capable of experiencing or feeling. There's definitely moments like that. But maybe start in a gentle way, I think is what's been helpful for me. So please keep being yourself. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[41:23]

Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

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