I vow to taste the truth and not to touch the truth. Good evening. So we're admonished to practice secretly working within as though a fool, like an idiot.

[01:04]

So I thought it was very apropos to be asked to give the Dharma talk on April Fool's Day. How's that? Is there a reverberation? Is it okay? So, what is it like to practice like a fool and like an idiot? The word fool, it turns out, comes from the French word that means bellows, and it's related to words that have to do with being puffed up and inflated like a ball, and other things that get puffed up and inflated.

[02:05]

But it also has this connotation of being a fool for something. You know, she was a fool for chocolate or to just be kind of crazy about something. So maybe being fools for practice. It's interesting, the way the room is set up, if I look straight, I see the Buddha, Manjushri, and then I have to turn to, it's odd, maybe we should push the, anyway, it's okay. So I've also been thinking about the phrase, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear,

[03:15]

which has always intrigued me, why one would want to, but the meaning of it, of course, is to try and make yourself into something which you can't possibly be. So it points to having ideals and shoulds and and the unhappiness that's created by setting ourselves up to be something and trying to be something than we are. A silk purse instead of a sow's ear. And I'll get back to that a little later. But I, as most of you know, for the last couple months I was at a medical leave of absence

[04:23]

and was practicing taking care of myself after major surgery. And I just wanted to say a little bit about what that practice was like and what came up for me. Before the surgery, like right before the surgery, each person that I saw, they were like these precious beings in my life, you know. People were offering me good wishes and, you know, good luck and I'll be thinking of you and I felt the, and I'm sure this is how people who have, you know, very bad illnesses and are facing something like this, not that I was sick, but I was facing a major kind of change and possible, you know, you sign these things that say you may not survive and so forth.

[05:28]

So each person was so beautiful and so wonderful. It was, I just felt so privileged to be a human being and to be able to have people like you all in my life. And also people from my past, like I called up an old boyfriend that I've kept in touch with. I was actually writing him a letter and in the middle of the letter I thought, you know, I may never see this person again. So I called and gave a very strange, I'm sure, message over his machine. But each person was so precious. And, you know, in reflecting on that, the phrase, how come things can't always be like that, you know, came up,

[06:29]

which Dana Danteen, who was the shoe sewer a couple years ago, I think he told Reb about standing around at the death scene of Chris Persig, the young Zen student who was killed near Page Street, near this Zen center in the city, and how we all were together in the face of that. And didn't Dana say, why can't things always be like this? Not, of course, meaning the death of a friend, but how much we cared about each other and how palpable it was. So it was like that. And I really appreciate it. I know that there was chanting, the Enmei Juku.

[07:30]

I think while the operation was going on and I had a Catholic friend and a Buddhist friend and a Jewish friend all praying for me, so I was really, I had all my bases covered. And there were, someone wrote that they set up a Kuan Yin altar, and I just felt enormous support and energy coming from all quarters. And I actually, I felt that, you know, I actually felt that. Someone gave me a picture of Medicine Buddha to take with me to the hospital, and it's a beautiful, it's the Buddha as the healer, Medicine Buddha, and it's a Tibetan iconography, and it's cobalt blue. The Buddha figure is cobalt blue, this beautiful blue,

[08:32]

and the body is blue, this healing blue energy, and the visualization, you know, that this blue is coming into. He holds in his left hand a bowl with three mountains in it, if you can imagine, a bowl with three mountains, and the right hand has a flower. So, anyway, I had that in the hospital, and someone brought me Kuan Yin necklace, and there was a beautiful card from the Sangha with Kuan Yin. Anyway, it was, and flowers and plants and tea and hot soup, chicken soup, homemade. So, the treasure, Sangha treasure was overflowing. So, thank, I thank everybody very much.

[09:36]

So, my practice going into the operation, I had hoped to not have any anesthetic, just have something that numbed me from where the operation was happening, but to not have, to not be put under in a general anesthetic, and that was my intention. But the anesthesiologist that I had kind of worked this out with didn't show up that morning. It was another young man, and somehow right at the last minute I felt, well, maybe I should have a little something. He said, why don't you have a little something to take the edge off your anxiety? And I thought, do I really want to take the edge off my anxiety? Is that my practice? But I also wasn't sure about being totally awake and without anything. Anyway, it was a real struggle that was really,

[10:42]

I think that was the most difficult part for me because it was a spiritual struggle, kind of, should I, you know, I wanted to stay as conscious as ever I possibly could through the whole thing, and yet when it came to that moment, I opted for a light, I'll just have a light, something. So, I was awake, and I spoke and asked questions, but I don't really remember it as a focused, conscious, right with it. It was more a little dreamy. So, I felt that I have to practice harder

[11:48]

because I didn't feel that I had the practice strength to just go in that direction when it came to it. So, that was a big, you know, lesson. And, you know, I was happy to remember the story of Suzuki Roshi at Tassajara at the Narrows going down under the water and kind of not being able to get up out of the pool at the Narrows, and people had to fish him out because he was, like, maybe going to drown down there. And I think afterwards he said he had to practice harder, you know, and I think people ask him, but Roshi, haven't you been practicing hard all this time? So, that was a very comforting story. But one does have to practice hard all the way to the end,

[13:06]

whatever the end is. And, you know, going through that kind of physical event, I was very amazed at what I could do. What I was left with, I mean, there was following the breath, this is afterwards, like in the recovery room, and taking refuge and chanting the NMA, and, you know, that was the practice that I found. And all, you know, Dogen, at the end of his life, when he was sick, his last practice was, one of the last practices he had was to write the Triple Treasure, Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha in calligraphy and put it on a post and then circumnamulate that.

[14:10]

Very simple practice. And I think we need simple practices when our bodies and minds are changing very rapidly. So, coming back into the practice period, I kind of went into hibernation, and it was January, and it was rainy and cold, and when I came out, I think the plum tree had already blossomed. I didn't ever get to see it. So I came out, it was spring, and blossoming, and I had a lot more gray hair when I came out. So, we have, my thumbs are moving by themselves.

[15:23]

Can you see that? So the practice period is half over, just about half over, or a little more than half over, and I know that often around this time one's thoughts get pulled to, you know, what you're doing next and where you're going to go and who's coming up and who's going away and what job you might have or this, and it sometimes gets harder to make your practice effort. And so someone was talking with me about that, wanting to have what more, what kind of practices might they do during these last weeks, you know, two more weeks and then sashin. And there's many practices, and I wanted to just talk about some ways

[16:24]

that we all might bring our effort, bring more effort into these last weeks. You know, I looked up the word saw, and saw is a female pig, a female pig, and the saw, the root of the word saw also means plowshare, and the saw root, you know, the ancient saw that, you know, wasn't kept in pans and all, would root around in the earth with their snout, and so it was very much associated with the earth and seeds, making furrows, and connected up with agriculture, and the goddess as saw is a very big connection.

[17:32]

And there's, you know, ancient masks with saw faces and saw figurines with seeds all stuck in the clay, so the association of the saw and seeds and soil and plowing is a very strong connection. And the boar also is very, as a wild pig, the earliest manifestation of human ritual seems to be the placing of boar jawbones in graves. There's a grave found on Mount Carmel in Israel that's from about 100,000 BC, between 100,000 and 40,000 BC, with this jawbone placed by the right hand of the male who was buried.

[18:33]

So this old, old connection with the pig and the saw, in particular, is the female. So somehow there's been, you know, in looking at this, there's been a kind of... Also, after this operation, I can't find words very well or remember names. Anyway, there's a series of symbolic things that all have come together, soil and seeds and sows. And then to sow seeds, there's actually, it's spelled the same, of course, but it actually has a different root, but they are spelled the same. Anyway, how do we plant these seeds? The fact that we're in this practice period at all, in the company of wonderful teachers

[19:34]

and good Dharma friends, means we have sowed our seeds, our wholesome seeds in the past, to bring us to this day, you know, to bring us here. And the strong feeling I have of not wasting this time together is, you know, coming up for me. So with our practice rhythm, these are, you know, the intense practice times. And when we make this kind of effort, then there are these blossoms, you know. And when I say blossom, I mean we blossom.

[20:36]

And I didn't go to the shuso ceremony at Tassara, but often when I go down, I maybe haven't been down there for several months and I see people have been practicing in the monastery intensely and they have literally blossomed. You see their faces are, you know, open. Their bodies are graceful. Really, I'm not making this up. And you are too, but we're so used to each other, we don't notice it maybe so much, but this happens, this is the fruit of our practice, this blossoming fruit. So I brought with me to read some things about how we might, not that we all haven't been practicing hard, following the schedule and so forth, but there's this book that I've been enjoying

[21:37]

called Stepping Into Freedom, and it's an introduction to Buddhist monastic training, Thich Nhat Hanh, and it's old texts on monastic training and admonitions. So I thought I might just mention a few things. So for example, under the section called Activities with the Sangha, it says, when you hear the community bell, stop what you're doing, put away your tools, and walk mindfully to the Sangha gathering. So when I was reading that, I thought, one way to make this effort for these last weeks is, when we hear the Hanh, when we hear the bell, when we hear the Hanh for work meeting, the gong for meals,

[22:37]

you drop what you're doing and go. And it actually says in here, which I'll read about the meal, see if I marked it. Well, I can't find it right now, but it said, even if there's a long line at the meal, don't wait to come later when the line is shorter. Go at the time of the meal and wait quietly in line. And I thought that was very interesting, because I know that the tendency is, ah, wait, you know, I don't want to just stand around. But the practice of just going and being with the Sangha, getting ready for the meal, talking quietly or whatever, we don't have silent dining room meals, but to actually make that a practice, how would that be, you know? Here's another one. You can spend time with a particular person in the practice,

[23:45]

but develop friendships with other Sangha members as well. It is okay to begin with someone easy to relate to, but later you should also spend time with those who are more difficult for you, until you have the capacity to live harmoniously with everyone in the Sangha. So I was just noticing my own tendency, this is dining room practice, to go and see, you know, I'll sit with them, they're my Dharma buddies that I've known for a long time, and it's very easy, you know, you can kind of just get away with eating your dinner without much, you know, presence practically. Do you know what I mean? So, you know, having the practice of sitting down with somebody that maybe you don't know that well, or you're not so comfortable with, or is someone who you don't have maybe such great chemistry with,

[24:47]

but as a practice, you know, to work with getting along harmoniously with everyone. And then the comment after that is, the work of creating happiness is an essential part of the path of practice. And here is another one. I think you'd enjoy this book. I mean, there's a lot, you know, like the details, the real details of your body practices. But anyway, this says, allow time to get from one place to another so you do not have to hurry. Always walk in the style of walking meditation, even if you are only going a few yards. Doing this demonstrates stability and freedom. So I'm very aware that there are certain people whenever I see them,

[25:47]

they seem to be not in a hurry, you know. They've given themselves time. They're walking gracefully, quietly, with awareness. And you can tell. It's expressed very, it's not hidden, you know. And then sometimes I see people, they always seem, and I'm talking about myself, like they're rushing, you know. Like they're down the steps and, you know, over there and here and then, got to get the mail and, you know. And I think it's kind of a habit that I have to not give myself quite enough time so I've got to kind of be speedy. And so, for me, to make the effort to leave at the end of the first round, you know, to go to work meeting, rather than, you know, the beginning of the third from the hill. And I think that knowing how I'm encouraged

[26:49]

by seeing someone who has plenty of time, you know, it's so beautiful. And then there's too much, right? Then there's slowpokes, right, who are kind of, so this is a balance here. But anyway, for each of us to look at that side of our practice, is there some way we can make more effort there? Oh, here it is. The line is long, so I do not need to go right away. And then the comment is, this is to the dining room, your presence in the Sangha at the beginning of the meal will help establish the energy of mindfulness for everyone in the community. I think that, you know, we don't chant together in the evenings. Mostly we say because of the guests and so forth, but it does have a trickle, kind of a trickly feeling.

[27:49]

So to actually come there and be together, establishing energy and mindfulness for everyone. So those are just a few pointers, you know, from this. Also, harmonizing ourself with the atmosphere and the feeling in the Zen Do, being aware of the noise we make when we walk and the quiet that is maintained in the Zen Do. When we are serving, you know, tomorrow we have a half-day sitting, some of you will be serving, and Sashina is coming up. So to really express your own sense of practice through how you offer food to others,

[28:51]

bring in the pots, set them down, lift them up. This is posture, mindfulness. Thich Nhat Hanh is, at the end he has a letter or an essay for young monks and nuns, and one thing he says is about decorous behavior. The beauty of decorous, now when I say decorous, I don't mean fussy or something. I mean expressing your love of the practice and your spiritual life through everything you do.

[29:53]

And the beauty of that, and the encouraging, how that encourages people and helps people's practice, I don't think can be overstated. It's inconceivable actually. So we all have a chance to practice in that way for each other. And this isn't trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. This is being the sow that you are, that we are with full sincerity and full heart. That's what makes it so beautiful. Now the danger in that, if I might point out a pitfall, is to kind of set yourself up for kind of the ideal, having big plans about

[30:55]

how great your practice is going to be. And someone mentioned to me about wanting to be a saint, wanting to really, and I think we do, we want to be strong practitioners and be of use to the world. And yet we don't want to get swallowed up by that ideal, because then we just go off and become ungrounded, very different from the sow. So saints, like Saint Francis, I don't know that much about Saint Francis, but during his life, he wasn't a saint, right? He was just a simple monk who lived very,

[31:56]

gave away all his money, right, Martin? And lived very in poverty. Anyway, and he could talk with the animals, right? And was very close to beings. But I don't think he, at the time while he was living, he thought he was a saint or not a saint. So whether you're a saint or not is for other people to decide. Let other people come forward and ask you for help. I remember when I was first practicing, and I think this kind of saintliness or shining practice bodhisattvaness, you know, someone called me

[33:00]

Little Miss Bodhisattva. I think I mentioned this in a lecture. And I remember thinking, well, but they were right, you know. So that kind of drew me up sharply. Drew me up sharply. That must be like a horse thing, right? Well, she called me Little Miss Bodhisattva and Little Miss Goody Goody Two Shoes. But I thought I was being shining practice bodhisattva, you know. So what was going on there? And I remember at a shuso ceremony, someone asking the shuso something like, what is a priestly priest? Kind of pointing to, I think, their projection about how that person was, you know. So I guess this is like being reviled, you know, maybe. So it gives you a chance to look at

[34:01]

what is your practice? But there's that danger there, you know. So I brought... Let's see what time it is. Okay. I'm just going to see if I forgot anything major I wanted to say. Oh, I guess the other practice that I wanted to mention is silence after the evening, after the refuges. For these last weeks and definitely during Sashin, to really make an effort to keep the silence and maybe not even read

[35:02]

or do anything much after that, but have a real quiet time and maybe you can sit a little bit before bed on your bed. Sometimes you can do that. Also, when I first started practicing, is this not working anymore? I was told, I asked somebody, is there a way that you sleep, that you lie down? And, you know, there have been so many mudras and postures and stepping with this foot and that foot. I figured there must be something for sleep too. And Rev actually was the person I asked and he told me about the lion pose, you know, taking the posture on your right side, the posture that the Buddha, you know, we see figures of the Buddha right before he died lying in that, or at his death pose. But that, the lion pose is a very healthy pose to sleep in.

[36:02]

It's lying on your right side. And to actually try to take a particular posture with consciousness and... so that your practice effort goes right into your nighttime and your sleep time. So to really maintain the quiet and the silence, which helps everybody, you know, we all know how we appreciate the silence. And also how easy it is to chatter and just forget about it. So let's all try to work with that. So I wanted to end with a poem. I hope my talk doesn't seem terribly contrived when you hear the name of this poem. This was sent to me by Matt Jeske from Tassajar and I was just

[37:03]

thrilled with the beauty of it. So I brought it for you. It's called St. Francis and the Sow. The bud stands for all things, even for those things that don't flower. For everything flowers from within of self-blessing. Though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness, to put a hand on its brow of the flower and retell it in words and in touch, it is lovely until it flowers again from within of self-blessing. As St. Francis put his hand on the creased forehead of the sow and told her in words and in touch

[38:05]

blessings of the earth on the sow and the sow began remembering all down her thick length from the earthen snout all the way through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail. From the hard spininess spiked out from the spine down to the great broken heart to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering from the 14 teats into the 14 mouths sucking and blowing beneath them the long, perfect loveliness of sow. Thank you very much.

[39:03]

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