Go to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good evening. It's very different to sit up here on a Wednesday evening. Usually I talk on Sunday and I don't know those people so well, most of them. This is much scarier. No place to hide. So I'm going to start off with a story that I've told before to some of you, but I think most of you don't know it yet.

[01:00]

About two years ago in the winter I went to Seattle with my friend Grace to be with her family while her father was dying. And much of what we did during that time was what we call wait, we were waiting. And I think waiting really isn't so different from sasan. So, one afternoon I was alone and I went to the waiting room and someone had left the TV on. So pretty quickly my attention was captured. It always happens to me with TV, a very pleasant feeling. Anyway there was a science program on and I like science and there was an interview

[02:14]

with an astrophysicist, I think he's an astrophysicist anyway, Stephen Hawking. And as long as I've known about Stephen Hawking, he's been in the most advanced stages of ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease. And this disease starts very gradually and little by little your entire body is completely immobile. I've known two other people with Lou Gehrig's disease. One a man about my age who I used to visit and we'd sit sasan together with his family. It was something we could all do that he could join. And the other man I met here not so long ago, just a few months ago, he was here as

[03:20]

a guest student and he'd just found out that this was happening to him. So nowadays because of technology, people with this illness can get around in wheelchairs and they have portable respirators for breathing. And they're able to communicate with eye-activated computer screens. So this is how Stephen Hawking was talking about outer space. The interviewer would ask him a question and then the response would come up on the screen. I've always really been fond of outer space and so I was listening and reading his various

[04:23]

sharing of theories about the origins of the universe and comets and meteors and space dust and all that sort of thing. I once said to a friend many, many years ago, I can't wait until we get into outer space. And my friend said, Nancy, we are in outer space. My first zen con. I told Sabrina that and she said, oh mom, don't be silly, we're not in outer space. So, anyway, toward the end of this program, the interviewer asked Dr. Hawking if he could

[05:24]

ask him a personal question and he replied, you know, yes you may. And then the interviewer said, are you a happy man? And it was an amazing shift, you know, it went from thinking, intense thinking to intense feeling. I was thinking, even though the distance between here and here is not very large, the change in the conversation was like they had shifted to an entirely different universe, you know, this universe of inner galaxies and of our most tender mercies. So in response to this question, are you a happy man, Stephen Hawking said, yes I am. And I was surprised by his response and I began to realize that this was because of

[06:35]

my own fear and bias that if such a thing were to happen to me, I don't know how would I be a happy person. Now, I'm really certain that our friend Aum Debi, and I know that my daughter Sabrina and my sister Janice, who's totally blind, are often met by these projected fears and by the aversion that comes from that. I've seen it many times. And I think this is something that we should all be very careful and study very closely in ourselves, what we do when we're afraid. And at the same time, it was this very witnessing and this very fear thousands of years ago

[07:39]

that drove the handsome young prince to seek an end to suffering. And little by little he came to an end to both of the extremes, the addiction to pleasure on one side and aversion from suffering on the other, what he called the middle way. And turning away and touching are both wrong. So in this final exchange between Dr. Hawking and the interviewer, the man asked him, �Can you tell us how is it that you are a happy man?� And Stephen Hawking said, �I am a student of the universe and I am deeply curious.�

[08:46]

So when I arrived at the gathering of people called Zen Center about 23 years ago, which by the way, with very few exceptions, was an entirely different group of people, I was struck by two things. Well, probably many more than that, but for tonight I'll say it was two. The first one was the familiarity. We were all more or less the same age. We were all and pretty much the same educational and cultural background, same species. And at the very same time I was struck by the radical difference in the activities of the people and in the

[09:58]

look of the place. I had no frame of reference for a Zen Buddhist meditation center. I was not prepared. I thought I was going to dinner with a friend. And even though I recognized the English they were speaking, there was this spattering of Japanese words I think you've all heard by now, �doan� and �tenkin� and �zafu� and �satori� and so on. But even the familiar vocabulary words like the word �practice� for example, seemed to have some hidden or esoteric meaning. So that the overall impression of the place that I had was that these people are keeping a secret. So at the very first class that I attended when I was a new student, which was taught

[11:09]

by the Reverend Dan Welch, I finally had the courage to ask my very first Zen Center question. And I said, �Practice what? What are you people practicing here?� I think people kind of giggle a little bit like Nick just did. And I don't remember the answer that Dan gave, particularly. I'm sure it was a good one. But I do remember the question still. �Practicing what?� So I'm bringing this up because this encounter with the unusual culture that's gravitational to Zen Center had the effect on me of activating and heightening

[12:14]

that quality that Stephen Hawking called �curiosity�, the one that he credits as the source of his happiness. You know, �What is it?� �Who am I?� �Where are we?� �What's happening?� The other morning my teacher asked me, �How's it flowing?� Did he ask you all that too? No? No? So I wanted to offer these kind of introductory words in praise of curiosity and questioning. I would suggest that these are the single most important tools for practice period. But not only practice period, but perhaps for the balance of your life. As Alice

[13:17]

said as she ventured into Wonderland, �Curiouser and curiouser.� I had that thought as I was coming in here because first something strange happened with the Han, and then it was me, it wasn't the person hitting the Han, and then Matt came out giggling. And then she handed me a half a stick of incense. So anyway, �Curiouser and curiouser.� So the topic that I'm going to bring up this evening is actually this word or this notion of practice, as in practicing what? In the twenty-nine years or so of my life before coming to Zen Center, I had used the word �practice� innumerable times, but mostly I seem to remember

[14:21]

using it in relation to something you did with a tennis ball or a flute, body of water, or a bat. Practicing meant some repetitive movements of various body parts, and usually with some kind of object, like with a tennis ball it's the right arm, and a baseball it's two hands, and a flute it's fingers, breath, spine, and so on. Water, arms and legs, and breath. So I'd done all of these practices all through school, and it was clear that the intention of practice that was offered to me by my teachers and

[15:25]

coaches, and that I understood myself, was to get better at the thing you were practicing, as in practice makes perfect. So I don't know so much about the perfect, but I did experience that the more I practiced, when it came time for the tournament or the contest or the test, of any kind, whatever it was, the concert, that having practiced made things come out a little better. But coming to Zen Center I felt as though this experience in my background didn't help me at all to understand what was meant by practice here. And it certainly didn't help me understand what was intended as the outcome of practice, the trophy. I certainly

[16:34]

had heard the word enlightenment buzzing around the halls, but I'd also heard that practice and enlightenment are one. So practicing, practicing what? I don't know if you all remember your first Zazen instruction, but I really do. I came to Page Street on a Saturday morning, and I was really excited. I remember setting the alarm way early and waiting in the hall, and it was all very strange, and the smells were interesting. And in the tatami room to the right, the only thing in the room were these little round black cushions. And then Linda Ruth Cutts arrived. She was the practice instructor

[17:40]

that day. And the basic instructions, once she got us all properly seated, was very simply, now don't move until you hear the little bell ring after 40 minutes. Curiouser and curiouser. And furthermore, as Dogen says in the Fukanza Zengi, have no designs whatsoever on becoming a Buddha. So within about 45 minutes of Zazen instruction, I had utterly lost my mind. I had utterly no use for any of my notions about practice. Since that time, I've always enjoyed running across this line in the Julmira Samadhi. I think we've all read it here already. Outwardly still while inwardly moving like a tethered

[18:41]

colt or a trapped rat, the ancient saints pitied them and bestowed upon them the teaching. According to their delusions, they called black as white. When erroneous imagination cease, the acquiescent mind realizes itself. When erroneous imagination cease, the acquiescent mind realizes itself." I think the first clue that I got for entering my question about practice came from Paul Disko, who was the head carpenter in those days. And he and his crew of merry carpenters had basically built just about everything here that you see that's beautiful, except the tea house. But the Wheelwright Center, the guest house, this was all Paul and Michael Sawyer and Jerry Fuller, many other wonderful

[19:54]

people. Anyway, I was sitting at the table and I overheard Paul say to a guest student, it's not what you came here to get, it's what you're going to lose. And this was kind of a shock to me because I had come here to get something and it had not occurred to me that I might lose the most precious thing, dearest to my heart. And that is myself, and particularly all of my various opinions and views, my truth. According to the Buddha's teaching, what we're going to lose is precisely the variety of opinions

[20:57]

and judgments, notions and views that we have been carrying around with us concerning both what we call ourself and what we call the world. In other words, what we're going to lose is just about everything. And this is the good news. And the other good news is that what remains when you let go of everything is what Suzuki Roshi called a big mind, or original mind. A mind that is open to everything and ready for anything. A sensitive and a tender mind. Shall we dance? Shall we play the ukulele?

[21:57]

Shall we sit in the dark and wait for the tiny bell to ring? So, little by little, I came to understand practice, the idea of practice and the idea of Zen Center also in pretty much the same way. And that is as ideas. Kind of like placeholders. The number zero in mathematics. Number zero is interesting because no matter what you add to it, the result is what you add to it. Zero plus one is one. And the result is what you add to it.

[23:00]

Zero plus two is two. And zero plus you is you. Entering practice and entering Zen Center means nothing outside of all of us here together right now. There is no other practice. Here is the place, here the way unfolds. The boundary of realization is not distinct, for the realization comes forth simultaneously with the mastery of Buddha Dharma. There is a computer term for this. I think it's a computer term that I heard years ago called Gigo. Is that a computer term? Gigo? Do you know it?

[24:01]

Gigo? Garbage in, garbage out. Garbage in, garbage out. So, wholehearted practice and wholehearted life is the exact opposite of Gigo. Whatever you put into it, your best shot is just what comes out. And it has no particular form. I mean, sometimes your practice is an afternoon nap. I told all of you who were in class the other day that I'd gone to visit Charlotte Silver, who's going to be a hundred years old very soon. And we'd had a wonderful talk. I really like her. She's funny and she's alert. She has lots of stories. We talked for about an hour and had a little food and a little tea.

[25:03]

And then she said, Phu, would you like to take a nap? And I thought, you know, normally I would say, oh, thank you, Charlotte, but I think I'll be going. But actually, I really did want to take a nap. And I said, yes, I would like to take a nap. And so she said, you sit in that chair. And there was this chair that folded back. And her attendant put a little bench under my feet and a blanket on me. And the cat jumped up on my lap. And within a few minutes, I was sound asleep. And Charlotte was asleep on the couch. And her attendant sat in the chair. And he fell asleep. And we all slept for about an hour and a half. This is wholehearted practice. When we woke up, we were all very happy. And I felt like gardening. So I did. So there is no special form of wholehearted practice.

[26:12]

However, there is a song about wholehearted practice. And it's also from the bluebird tradition. And I know our head student knows this song. In fact, I know you all do. And this is the last verse. A very famous song. There's a dance that goes with this song, too. It's a camp song called the Hokey Pokey. You do know it. I knew you did. You put your whole self in. You put your whole self out. You put your whole self in. And you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey. And you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. And from our Japanese ancestor, Suzuki Roshi, this is another version of the same idea.

[27:32]

Our way is not to sit to acquire something. It is to express our true nature. That is our practice. Even swaying right and left as you sit down or getting up from Zazen is an expression of yourself. It is not preparation for practice or relaxation after practice. It is practice. To cook or to work is not preparation. It is practice. It is an expression of our sincerity, an appreciation of what we are doing. There is no preparation for something else. So when I was thinking about all of this, I noticed that actually there's been a pretty significant shift in my thinking over these years of my own practice.

[28:33]

And the shift has been away from the question, what? And toward the question, how? How are we going to fit all of the people in the practice period who want to come to Green Gulch? And how are we going to get all of the work done that needs to get done? How are we going to stop the destruction of the environment? How are you doing? How am I doing? How is the flow? So I looked these two words up in the dictionary. I find this trick that Linda and Reb do all the time to be really quite wonderful, looking words up.

[29:36]

There's a lot of juicy stuff in the dictionary. And so the word, what, means, which particular one of many? What practice? Which particular one of many? This continual and restless seeking among many, many choices is precisely what the Buddha called the cause of our suffering. Picking and choosing, what to wear, what movie to go to, what to have for dinner, what to do with my life. This is the second noble truth. The cause of suffering is based in the ceaseless desire and clinging. To carry the self forward, this clinging, grabby self,

[30:41]

and experience myriad things is called delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is called awakening. Those who have great realization of delusion are Buddhas. Those who are greatly deluded about realization are sentient beings. So this question, how, by definition, is concerned with the manner or the method of doing something. How? So if you ask the question, how, around here, you'll be given all kinds of directions and recipes and instructions. Have you noticed? I go over there and I get that and I get that.

[31:46]

You know, sometimes they're contradictory, but I hope that doesn't disturb your meditation. So when I was thinking about the word how, I saw it as a kind of doorway that opens between myself and what I think of as the other. And right through that imaginary barrier in which I hold my self separate. And this very doorway is the same one that Dr. Hawking talked about that opens to the universe. How? How? How do we practice Zen? How do we save all sentient beings? The very doorway called curiosity.

[32:53]

And coming in through that doorway is, you know, not just the immediate response of whoever you happen to ask the question, but also the entirety of tradition, of wisdom, and of good fortune that brought this very moment into being. All the Buddhas and ancestors have been just like this, just like us. Inquisitive, energetic, impatient, determined, critical, foolhardy, and completely human. And then, as Shakyamuni Buddha said on the morning of his enlightenment, how wonderful, how wonderful. Do you have any questions?

[34:03]

Barbara. For me, the word that came to me for what was going on was inquiry. The expression, the inquiring mind that I had seen in the past in the journals that came before. And that was really what I felt was really separate. It was just this response, I think, and I'm not sure what group was going on. I think there's a lot of groups. But just asking oneself these questions, and the response of just questioning what's coming. It was wonderful. Thank you for your beautiful words.

[35:39]

And thank you for asking me questions before I came. What can we do, and how can we do it? I asked myself this question, how can I go forward with continuing this practice? In the best way for my body? How can I best take care of my body? And the process of participating in the practice of the Shakyamuni Tantra could not have been the way to do it. And it's all held within this vessel that we have, of everyone really expressing their own kindness.

[36:48]

And I really appreciate that. I guess it's a good question. I don't know, maybe Shadows saw it, how it was wanting a solution. I want a solution to the pain I'm seeing. The hows were asked and not answered. And so I fall into that hole of wanting a solution. And it's hard to just stay in the how without activating another part of myself. I'm used to trying to find something concrete. What advice do you have?

[37:55]

Well, you know, I guess when you were speaking, I was thinking that for me the how is as concrete as I know how to be. How do you make soup? It's a question of action, of doing, of taking action. So I guess I have kind of the opposite. I get relief from how. It's something I can do. The what question had me kind of like, should I be a Buddhist, should I be a this, what, what, what? How to help seems more like, this how question seems like, you know, there's a way, there's a way. So there's the question, how do we leave the suffering here in Greenbelt

[39:05]

how do we do that? And you can just stop at that question, because I can't. Well, we had a staff meeting today that went on for a long time around that question, and then at 4.30 we did stop. But, you know, we still made our list, and we planned to meet again, and we made some decisions. It's like that, it's like tiny little stitches, like your okesa there. How did you make that okesa? How can you do that? Not by yourself. And we can't take care of Gringotts by ourselves. And I'm very happy you want to. Will you tell me how it's wonderful for you?

[40:16]

How it's wonderful? How wonderful, how wonderful? You mean right now? Looking at you? Yeah. I always like that. Huh? I always like that. You always like that? Yeah. Because it means I showed up. That's right, on time. Good, I'm glad I can contribute to how wonderful. Thank you. Liz? I think that you quoted it, told me what you wanted me to do. I wanted you to have me to speak. And I think that's important to realize for yourself. You also mentioned, you know, our ideas, where you're going with your ideas, and I'm going to bring them up again right now. It's truly like an incredible, wonderful repeat

[41:19]

when your ideas repeat. When I'm not caught in thinking anymore. I think, so it's the effort. You want to keep doing it. Well, you know, you're so attached to me, and I want to get things done. How hard is it to let that thing that you know, to have a trust in that discipline? Well, so far it's always been there when I come back to it. You know, I don't have to maintain my worry of the world for what's worrisome about the world to be there when I return. No, you can take a break, you can rest,

[42:23]

take a nap with Charlotte and come back to the farm, feeling nourished. So, I don't know, I'm not anticipating like a happy ending or something. More and more I'm feeling like there isn't going to be a conclusion to any of this. There's no arrival, there's no fixing Gringotts. Just over and over again we come together, and talk and share and complain, whatever we do. And then we go to bed. Well, that's, you know, every day. There's another chance.

[43:26]

Well, I said the magic word going to bed, so now I want to. Thank you all for coming.

[43:39]

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