Way-seeking Mind

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SF-04024
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Tanto job, informal very ZC (?)

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yea or nay
basha i'm trying again and i think it's going to be terrific
recording
okay
epson printer are madly looking for it

good evening
as i was coming down from three forty my apartment number two o two and three forty two coming into the lecture tonight to talk tonight or the m
can i don't think it's kind of i envision it is just the kind of you know getting together in certain chomping on
what it might be for the tonto to have a practice of some sort isn't that what the bag period is about it
yeah work as practice your life as practice every this is a way of taking my don't really know how i then
and now
hey that know
oh and i hope that how i got a record which would put
okay longer really
would you coach me that as i go if i'm going to run way to tell me where because they they the thing is yeah i was practice heard that very short practise period and i was sick that it's like after the first week of the very spirit i got sick right away with all over the coals that you could get over the year i got that one week there all day
front i got a sore throat and then i got that throw up one that i got the head cold and then i got the chest bronchitis in on november like dan
and then i went away for ten days to austin and then when i got back there was a catastrophe in my house
ah
that's better than now
so i'm santa if i never think there's gonna be a guide up to think that when i come back there's going to be a catastrophe you know but
so i don't really i haven't really participated in yeah i haven't listened anybody talks so i have all the tapes and i'm going to be listening to all it but i haven't had a chance yet so i don't really know what it is that i'm supposed to be doing here out obviously
so as well i'd like to say hello to picky because like i was gonna say on the way down the stairs because i was coming over here
i met vicky on the stairs and although i needed to be here somewhat on time because i was the person giving the talk and i am the person giving the dark and i
my job is to stop and to be with the person that's my job it's not just my job it's also my life and it's also my practice so i don't really see any difference between my job
my life my practice and as i mean to ask the tanto
to figure out what the practice is of your job at ten now tell you a joke
a while ago and the dalai lama had gotten the nobel prize some of you may know this job the dalai lama got the nobel prize and you know that the dalai lama got the nobel prize number of years ago for peace
and so the joke around it was i think i was at ims anyway that's what i heard the joke
the joke going around ims was that giving the dalai lama the nobel prize for peace is somewhat like giving mother nature a prize for beauty
yeah i think that funny
we'll get the joke

after
but i kind of thought that in a sort of a lesser but similar way that the tonto talking about how their job is practice is kind of redundant because if the job that that is the definition of the job and now i will tell you a secret
the secret for you because if you don't get the joke that you're not going to get her savior
here's the secret
at zen center there are three secret gifts three jobs that are gifts gifts
that our blessings actually
the first one is
when you go to tassajara
for the first time they always put you on general labor
always
and the reason is is because when you're on general laborer the only thing you're asked to do
is just do you practice the best she can you don't have any responsibility you don't have to think about anything your food is made for you you're just given the schedule you just have to follow the schedule you don't have to decide where to be you don't have to decide
i'd when to talk with people except for fifteen minutes during the day which is always the most difficult part of for everybody
everything is scheduled you don't have to think about anything
you're only asked to do your practice best she can
this is a gift to real gift
the next time it happens is when your she so
when your she so
they only have no responsibility the only thing you're asked to do except a little bit more publicly
is to do you practice the best you can and be who you are
completely
and everybody support you to do that everybody supported you to do that they tell you where to stand they remind you things they give you gifts now everything
just because is the way they are they're not doing anything special just because of the way they are the thoroughly support you
and your heart just opens up at tassajara i don't know about don't tell him at us are your heart just opens up and you just try the best you can to be who you are in front of everybody and day of practice guest you can a gift total gift
very unusual in your life such a situation
very unusual
and the next time it happens
here's when you're trying to
everybody who can you know is kind of in the realm that everybody and know i know why i can't speak for everybody but anyway it's a it's a wonderful wonderful job and it's a gift it's a complete gift
and it's a gift in every way it's a gift because it this time you do have a lot of responsibility but
the responsibility that you have is
to do you practice the gifts you can
and people
gift you with the opportunity to try to learn how to speak and be and teach the dharma
you know happiness joy
it's amazing

oh
the intention that i had a couple of practice periods ago when we went around the room and gave our intention
i didn't have anything to say when we went around the room but of course as soon as i stepped outside the door i you know my intention to smashed me in the face to it
and my intention then ice said to myself into to other people who are right there i said my intention was to be what i talk to be way to say that i wanted to close the gap between
how i explain how i am how i behave and what i talk about and you know it's a little bit difficult because
it's true that
it that as as a person who is trying to understand how to speak does the dharma or how to get across to communicate or to be with people in the dora maar as the dharma in the position i'm in as a learning position really it takes years to be a
able to really go from a place of baby teacher to really
being skillful
so my intention was to try to close that gap and
and it's good that there's a gap because a it's in that gap that i practice
it was it's it's when people come towards me and tell me
a
that i've missed them that i practice
so one could say maybe that the most important that any way that
i'd like to say tonight anyway
probably the most important thing that i've learned being tonto is the most important thing is to not see objects
do not have duality between self and other
then there's some chance of being able to be with people just be those people whether they are sad whether they're happy whether we are dancing or where they were cleaning up in the kitchen or whatever it is
so that when people gift me with coming to see me in practice discussion
that i can actually be there
completely not the only thinking i'm doing of myself as when i get stuck if i have to i'm paying attention to myself only when myself comes up otherwise it's just me just be there with other person no object know
self no object
so this is not easy to do for me anyway and course i make little mistakes and when i first got here i actually hurt some people and then the uk
sir
so another thing that you learn as tonto is that you get a lot of projections and i think a number of the jobs on staff get projections and i get projections up and i get projections down so that the effort of the person who's receiving
those kind of projections is to just try to stay still
so if people compliment
me let's say i thank you very much you know and i appreciated and and hopefully nothing sticks that's the effort
then it's pretty it's not you know you can do it after a while if you don't feel like you have a difficulty with so forth or anything like that somebody can compliment you can say thank you and appreciate it goes by
and the same thing's true if people project in the opposite way your of of and you blob of of a the same thing you meet try just stay still and listen what information is there
and if usual up most of the time it doesn't get caught
up or down
just stay still
so that's a little bit fun
but it was gonna talk about i have i have ah
paper and a book
can i was me but i think what i'm going to do instead is by the way also for those of you i guess nobody here cares about the nba championship
the lakers by to at the half
only my to to
your kmart and are
it was right
just two two hundred

however there's realistic oh the bedding i think it was like a you know it was lakers by far
part of the job of the tonto is too
the holiday
i'll let me see if i left out anything can i think it's important and then i'll tell ya i got here touch one
is this ok
no i just i said hello to her because she tell me she wasn't coming and then the point that they wanted to make was that is the life of the tonto whether it would be here anybody you know if somebody comes toward you and they know want to talk or and
like that then you stop
and then the next thing habit i walked in and then i walked into the bookstore and then we had another stop
and then
we worked
up oh and then i met blanche and then i tried to convince her not to come to this talk
because plant crystal she's tired she looked very tight jokes really go with her hair right now so little bit one
but she liked a bit tired so i thought it would be good for a not to come to the talk and also she doesn't like it when i shit in chat
the about them and i had a feeling it was gonna be that kind of talk
the things i'm working on i'm working on a very interesting thing in now as tonto to this one other thing
i'm to iterate do you want to know what i do as tonto you do
well i do i am lots of stuff i'm really busy right i'm busy yes
i talked to a lot of people both inside and outside and i go to meetings three meetings and i am
i invent things like
like i do like you know saturday song again
the intensive thing i came here and i watch i try to watch and be a beer aware of the practice in the building
and i talk in different places around the city and i just came back from austin and i said all i do
i talked to a lot of people and i in charge of the brochure and i said
and
hey
i don't know what else i do i do a lot every day different
oh right now and again it's really interesting is
is that i am interested in peer to peer relationships it's in center at every level at all the different levels and vis-a-vis authority it's and center and how that works with feedback and accountability and i'm interested in promoting that at all levels
a send center
you're not interested in it
well anyway
okay how i got here well
my practice now i do i work
my practice now i told you already have my parent has now is basically i'm interested in and something that's really interesting
all the books i've been reading now about you know i'm studying bus abandoned because we're going to do the intensive and i really like it i think it's such a fundamental teaching oh that's another thing i get to do i get to study
as part of my job
so many ways i'm studying versa bondo and i've been reading about selflessness
and
how would they say that selflessness is that you can come to selflessness from the point of view of deeply seeing dependent arising or you can be in a situation where you just drop the watcher don't worry about what i'm talking about but i'm really interested in it and i

don't want to talk about that i don't have much time and when i want to do is i want to talk about a little bit of how i got to hear and i would like some questions and answers and then we're going to go home
so the way i got here was that in
i've always been a religious person and the two things that were supportive to me in that way we're music and nature and i think that a early on in my life i had a good experience of stillness in both both those ways
and i depended on both those things to make it through my childhood my family
i'm
i was raised jewish and i like being jewish
yeah
and when i was
and when i was about
twenty three i am
was in music school i was and as in love with two people man and a woman
and i am
was working in a place called the headstart program with the headstart program for started and i was working with for other people and we were all hippies and they called us the zoo
i was a nineteen sixty six
sixty seven
and this one person john books spasm always was looking for a place to be spiritual and he would come back to the office and tell us that he had found such and such a place and we would go and it would be a catastrophe in one day he came back and he said i really found such and such a place and we said sure
forget it and he said no no no just as once please come with me and we did and it was los angeles and center and i sat down and
i found i i found the same stillness you know that i knew about sat down and
and then right after that i met suzuki roshi there he came down for lecture and i continued to have meetings with him from los angeles i used to fly up here to have dug a with him
and then
ah various things happened and
i was interested in enlightenment
and i tried to do that for six years and that was a big mistake and so i suffered
and then
i study for a while at trump or machine and my mother died
and then i am
with last for a little bit
i was lost a lot actually in my life
but i never stop sitting once i started sitting nineteen sixty seven i never ever stopped and in fact i was a really really to my my izumi roshi confirmed to me that i'm really bad student
and the only thing that i was good at it was i was really really stubborn
and i was just determined and i never let go well i guess if a bad thing to say
but i am and the reason why was because it was suffering enormously i was an enormous pain my emotions were painful
i had emotions that were actually physically excruciatingly painful the worst one for me was that when i was when i had a child this is this was the pivotal painful experience in my life
when i was fourteen months old my brother was born entered the i started having trouble going to sleep and my mother

my mother was told by the doctors at the time
nobody to blame you know my weather was told by the doctors at the time that the best thing to do for a child to get them to go to sleep was to put them in their room by themselves and let them cry
and then until they go to sleep and then they would learn that nobody was gonna come
so i was stubborn i'm a stubborn person
so i cried for hours every night
and nobody came
haver
and at the end of three months i gave up on people
right and something broken me very deep

and down
so i had a real trust issues
and abandoned munitions
and what happened physically happened was that what i think the anniversary months i shut my throat i shut my heart and i shut my throat
and my throat
literally
a contracted
so that when i was in pain i couldn't speak i couldn't yell i couldn't let it out i couldn't my pain out like that
and there was a real breakthrough for me when i finally was able to let this area
relax and then that pain of that time came pouring out and i cried for three months straight
i grieved for three months
anyway so that was and lots of things came from consequence of that experience
so anyway that's my story so i kept going and
and
i did all the various jobs that and center that i people asked me to do
and i kept sitting and i kept term letting go and letting go letting go on
ceiling and letting a be in letting ago and time so forth until my doubt left

that's my story
the have crescent
yeah
my doubt of two things doubt of the practice i had i had insidious dad was my a hindrance
and
i didn't trust life

that's my that
peniel
when he said
production
now the workroom
no parliament
now
and how do we distinguish who are powerless
we will happy here better criticized us
remax act
hi

well my experiences is that
if i am caught on the other side of somebody else's projections if i have a button for that projection that i will be caught i will respond with some kind of energy
if i don't and it's just some information than i can hear i can hear it pretty much as information if it isn't information coming at me and i don't have a button it'll stick that were it'll stick to it's pretty you can pretty is most of the time is pretty clear
might do have a better way of answering that
true
and there are there there's always something that the person says in the projection that usually is true it's just that it comes with lots of other stuff

i think the most important thing is to really
work on establishing whether or not actually we have self worth first because almost seems to me almost all the other tangles and confusions twenty on some water
tangles and confusions come because we have need and were leaking all the time grasping are pushing away and that comes from not being able to be just okay with who you are so
so for me whenever there's pain and situation using like that it's because your mind is caught somewhere and it's usually caught because yourself is working to establish some kind of security
or you know filling some kind of need emotional later or something like that so to me it seems to me that that's where to work first and then it'll clarify whether it's projection or how you relating to somebody else's information
do you have a better way to and of packing about projections
yeah
the attack enemy
tell me about projection it yeah i think knowing yourself is best
so let's go

trump is easy the most important thing i learned from trumpet is
i didn't exactly learn this from tremper trungpa was the most compassionate person i've ever met in my life and he would when it when my heart was open he would frame it
some some way so what i learned from him is what the possibility of compassion feels like
that's what i learnt from you and i learned from suzuki roshi two things one was that the depth of being known and the depth of being accepted
i felt i felt deeply known by him thoroughly known and matched by the acceptability of it which was new to me
and that was one thing and then the other thing is the m the emptiness there i didn't no matter how it is related to him there didn't seem to be anything that was sticking much there wasn't anybody has a personality they're right personality there but not a now
i am
nothing else
very clean norms clean and funny funny
junko is no to suzuki roshi was funny and this kind of bubbly joyous childlike
very available approach where there's nothing frightening for me anyway of spell suzuki roshi trump had a humor that was cutting in a certain way he was always taking away your ground so he was a little scarier and trumpet but i then to the qureshi
but with me he was always very kind because i couldn't have taken it he was always very kind to me
category was but do they have learned from category category i loved category in a he was my
i've kind of route teacher in a way really by the time i got to k gary
i could actually have a teacher
yeah before i there were teachers there but i couldn't really relate in a way that was
ah
equal in a certain kind of way
like when you have a teacher you it's not the that one doesn't have a role and the other one doesn't have a different role you do but your equal still you know different and equal that anything so by the time i got to katy perry which was some years later i was finally able to do so for a category was like route teacher
it and i loved him
deeply
me oh yeah i
left him a
i think come
but what i learned from category was
daily life like he says in his book to live as just to live that's what it was like being with him i was his she should for a while and that's all we did we just you know i got up and i was there and i turned his shoes and i gave him a sweater and they brought ashore aoki and i carried his incense and i cleaned up after
room and i and i and i and it was complete
was there was nothing i mean nothing there was nothing lacking this justice than this in this it was
he taught me how to live
k

practice
this of enunciation is fundamentally renouncing self whenever it arises in whatever form it arises so from name mostly is that self as an idea the small self the separate self as an idea and so whenever it comes up at this point just i blog above of a there's no pudding
i
no redefining it no solidifying it no nothing so
that's it at my best of course you know
but that's for me renunciation that's what being a priest is about renouncing self and being available for other people

do your job is crap
yeah
right so it seems like your life your job
yeah there's no boundaries at this point allow they do it i only have felt i felt that way twice once when i was having enormous difficulty and i didn't feel understood i
felt really alone and it was becoming too much for me that was too much for me it was over the line and i couldn't i retreated and i didn't teach the intensive that summer and i didn't teach in the fall mr i was to exposed and to paint
and the other time was recently
i was in charge of trying to run one of these meetings and i'm talking about and it is it's a very very important i feel anyway important meeting and i think that what we're trying to talk about is really really important for zen center and it has to do with taking risk with each other and that's not my train
being and and i have no idea what to do
but it was my but it is my run i'm the chairperson and that meeting so is my kind of job to bring it up and try to put it out there and get it taken care of in some way so before that meeting happened i went out for the first time in a very long time i felt stress in my body which is very unusual for me
and then one other time sometimes when know that's it that's pretty much that's pretty much it and one is to has taken a tremendous amount of energy which usually i would put here and that's the only thing i feel badly about about
having a foster son that's the only thing everything else is fine but when it takes away from this situation where where i really want to be because i receive so much you know as well as king
then i feel a little badly about that
that's all i think
that's have we should stop percent
good
he is
what
or
tell
he
would you coming here
you still
hmm

hum
you know
i i am
what came up for me why then is i really i really love myself now
but it took a very very long time
and it was really hard and
i think the way i do it would take longer to really talk about then
then the time we have but i can say that
if a person visit my experiences is if you really sincere and if you're tired of suffering if you're tired of the pain and you stick with it you get like suzuki roshi said if you just keep going
you can
ah he'll
the deepest college
so
keep practicing for here
but they weren't sure okay what

what what you renounce his the self that is in pain
you you really do take care of very deeply your true self

not like that
k