This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Confession and repentance. I wanted to start this morning by... sharing my personal feeling about the people who left the practice period, Gaia and Ron, some other people missing who are hopefully returning soon, Elliot and our director and Greg and Heather. Yeah, I'm missing. I miss them. And I feel sad. So I wanted you to know that. I don't have any doubt that they're all practicing.

[01:04]

I'm just sorry they're not here with us. When the Buddha was asked by Subhuti, Lord, how is enlightenment attained? The Lord replied, enlightenment is attained neither through a path nor a non-path. Enlightenment is the path. The path is enlightenment. so today right now we are beginning once again we're always beginning every day is today is right now beginning again and yet i think in order to engage ourselves in this particular new beginning it might be very good to recognize how little power we have to direct the course of our lives all by ourselves. I think we've all tried.

[02:08]

And as for me, I don't think it's going all that well by myself. So I think probably we came to this room and to this valley to find a place where we could get a little help, a little support. So that's today, and that's every day. We have to ask. So when I think about meditation, and particularly at the beginning of a sashim, I often have this image of myself as being in a little boat on the open ocean with no land in sight. And the winds are just beginning to pick up, which might not sound like a very smart place to be on the open ocean. But as my therapist said to me years ago, ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what they're built for. So off we go.

[03:12]

So even though this is a voluntary situation that we've gotten ourselves into here, just like open water travel, whatever strength and attention we can muster is going to be needed for some very practical matters. such as using our eating bowls and sitting and bowing and chanting and reciting the scriptures and meeting with these blustery winds. So it's probably a good idea, before we set out, to get some advice from the wizened sailors, the ones who survived the trip, at least for a while. So my plan for the next five days is to share with you what our Buddha ancestors had to say about the mind, about meditation, and about their own search for a safe passage on the open water, better known by us as our very own human imagination.

[04:18]

So this morning I'm going to be sharing some old stories about Shakyamuni Buddha. that have been treasured and passed down for thousands of years in this large collection of texts called the Pali Canon. Stories about his trials and his eventual discovery of what he called an ancient pathway that led to his own liberation. I'm also going to be sharing some stories about how he as a teacher brought his own disciples to that same realization, or so the story goes. From the time of his birth, Prince Siddhartha lived a life filled with love and with all of the material advantages of the upper classes. I was delicate, most delicate, supremely delicate. Lily pools were made for me at my father's house solely for my benefit. Blue lilies flowered in one, white lilies in another.

[05:24]

and red delays in a third. I used no sandalwood that was not from Benares. My turban, tunic, lower garments, and cloak were all made of Benares cloth. A white sunshade was held over me day and night so that no cold or heat or dust or grit or dew might inconvenience me. So this young man was also trained as a warrior. He was from the warrior caste. He had a nice horse, and he had a beautiful wife, and together they gave birth to a son they named Rahula, meaning fetter, or as we might say, a bond of attachment. And as mentioned in the class the other day, according to Bernard Foer in his book, The Red Thread, It wasn't the sex that was of grave concern to the early formation of the Sangha. It was the production of progeny, of heirs, and of all of the responsibilities that come with family life and with raising children.

[06:30]

And yet the young prince became deeply afflicted and disheartened with the householder's life once he learned that his seemingly perfect world and perfect body were destined to decay. I think all of you know the story of the four gates. I'm sure you've heard those along the way, through which the young man traveled, and by the intervention of the gods, bore witness to an old person, a sick person, a corpse, and finally a mendicant, one who had pulled free from the householder's life. So this is the insight that came to the Prince Siddhartha at that time. Whilst I had such power and good fortune, yet I thought, When an untaught, ordinary person who is subject to aging, sickness, and death sees another who is old, sick, or dying, he forgets, she forgets, that they themselves are no exception. But I, too, am subject to aging, sickness, and death.

[07:33]

And so it cannot befit me to be shocked, humiliated, and disgusted on seeing another in such a state. When I considered this the vanity of youth, The vanity of health and the vanity of life entirely left me. Before my enlightenment, while I was still an unenlightened bodhisattva, I thought, it's not easy living in a household to lead a holy life as utterly perfect and pure as a polished shell. Suppose I shave off my hair and beard, put on the yellow cloth and go forth from the house life into homelessness, seeking the supreme state of sublime peace and so he did he left his horse his servant his wife and his child his parents and with his sword he cut the jewel topknot off of his head being a wise young man he sought out teachers of yoga and of meditation to help him along the way to what he hoped would be perfect freedom his first teacher

[08:45]

Alara Kalama trained him in the meditative sequence that culminated in the seventh jhana, in which, as you might recall, both awareness of the body and of space around the body have dropped away, leaving the meditator for some period of time with a perception of nothing at all. Once he'd mastered this trance, the young prince declared, This teaching does not lead to dispassion, to the fading of lust, to cessation, to peace, to direct knowledge, to enlightenment, to nirvana, but only to the perception of nothingness. I am not satisfied with this teaching. Then he left to continue his pursuit of perfect freedom. His next teacher was Udhaka Ramaputta. who taught him an even higher trance in which the meditator sheds the perception of nothingness, thereby entering into the eighth jhana, called neither perception nor non-perception, which is likened to a razor's edge.

[09:58]

Is there something? Isn't there something? Although he easily mastered this highest of the meditative states, once again he was dissatisfied, and so he left. I think this is often the case for all of us after tasting great pleasures. Meditative trances are considered to be the highest pleasures of them all. When these trances end, as all things must, the primary law of the universe being impermanence, we often find ourselves deeply disappointed at reengaging in this all-too-human life. There's a story about a yogi I remember hearing In my early years, his Zen center, who was meditating up in a cave for many, many, many, many years. And then when he came down, this mangy dog rubbed against his leg, and the yogi kicked the dog. And his teacher said, back up on the mountain. You've learned nothing.

[11:00]

So Siddhartha, too, wasn't very happy when he came out of his trance. And from that time on, he went off on his own. experimenting with some exceedingly painful methods for subduing the human condition. He began a lengthy period of austerities by going alone into the jungle to confront the arising within him of what he called the fear and the dread. On special holy nights, such as the half-moon and the quarter-moon, I dwelt in such awe-inspiring abodes as orchard shrines, woodland shrines, and tree shrines, which make the hair stand up on end. And while I dwelt there, a deer would approach me, or a peacock would knock off a branch, or the wind would rustle the leaves. And then I thought, surely this is the fear and dread coming. And then he said to himself, why not subdue that fear and dread while maintaining the posture that I'm in when it comes?

[12:04]

If I'm seated, to remain seated. If I'm walking, continue walking if i'm standing to remain standing until i have subdued that fear and dread so in terms of our own understanding in the present day of the buddha's dharma and practice this was a really formative decision that he made right here at this time perhaps the most important one of his early discoveries in this effort to free himself from the bondage of his own mind You know, we can adapt these methods for ourselves throughout the hours and the days of our sitting together. Many different memories and emotions are going to arise in your minds, as you already know. And as we're sitting there, we can make this same decision to just sit and wait as the fear and dread arises, abides, and then ceases. I think we just have to be aware of these appearances and then watch how our bodies and our minds respond when we're afraid, when we're in dread, just as he did when he heard the screeches in the jungle.

[13:15]

I had a bit of that response the other night. I was walking toward my place and I heard this really loud scream like some animal was in agony. So I went with my flashlight over to see, I don't know what, if I could help, I guess. And someone said, foo, I think it's a skunk. And sure enough, that's when the fear and dread arose in me. Any of you who have been sprayed by a skunk will know exactly why. It takes a very long time to wash off. And of course, I think all of us can remember how scared we were as children with the arrival of that monster in the closet or under the bed. Nearly scared to death, or so it seems. When I was a child, it really never occurred to me that I could call for help, that anyone would come. Maybe we haven't realized that yet either, that we need to call for help, that someone will come. We'll all come.

[14:17]

At those times, while you're sitting or standing or walking around, it's a good idea to open your eyes really wide and to look at the ground ahead of you or at that black wall that blank wall in front of you, you know. Closing or veiling the eyes has been called entering the cave of the demons. In particular, the demon called Mara, the evil one, master of illusions. So once the prince had gained confidence in the repeating habit pattern of sound, image, fear, and release, he was no longer afraid of his fear. I think this is the important point. As I think Winston Churchill famously said, there is nothing to fear but fear itself, although I'm not sure he was right about that, given what was happening to Britain at the time. But maybe he was just encouraging, as in giving courage to the people who were undergoing horrendous struggle, violent attack by their fellow humans.

[15:22]

I once asked my teacher, Reb Anderson, What about the terror? And he said, you have to get used to it, which I am still working on. Have to get used to it. So in addition to the advice I got from my Zen teacher, I also spoke about fear with my therapist quite often, being one of my primary emotions. And he said, panic attacks usually only last about 20 minutes. I don't know if he just planted that idea in me or if it's actually true, but either way, I think that's about right. 20 minutes. It's not so bad. It's long enough. It's really ironic, I think, how we are both terrified by and then rescued by the very same law of impermanence. The fear doesn't last. The hunger doesn't last. The anger doesn't last. The period of zazen doesn't last.

[16:26]

Life doesn't last. Nothing lasts. As my friend Grace Damon said, reflecting on what had happened to her following her emerging from a coma after a near-fatal automobile accident, she said, nothing lasts, not great pain, not great sorrow, not even the wish for life itself to end. I can remember when I cared for Grace for about eight years at Green Gulchin. After a while, as she began to regain some use of her body, now and then she'd back off from the table in her wheelchair, and she'd close the door to her room, and I could hear her sobbing for a couple of minutes. And then she'd come back in to the table and start eating breakfast again. I said, how do you do that? She said, it's enough. I don't need to carry on more than that. She learned a lot. And I think the people at Green Gulch right now, because Grace says she's so, starting as a couple days ago, I was there for the opening ceremony, which was such a joy to see her coming forward.

[17:39]

And we couldn't stop grinning at each other. She's something she's longed to do for many, many years. So... This young prince, like my friend Grace, was endowed with great determination and a deep wish for an end to suffering. So he confronted his own sensation of lust and sensual desire using the following method. Suppose with my teeth clenched and my tongue pressed against the roof of my mouth, I beat down, constrain, and crush my lustful mind with my mind. Then as a strong man might seize a weaker by the head and shoulders and beat him down, constrain him and crush him, I beat down, constrained and crushed my mind with my mind until sweat ran from my armpits as I did so. I really love the polycanon. It's so real, you know, it's like armpits and sweat and...

[18:42]

on the human scale. Mahayana goes a little bit astrophysical. So I don't think that worked out for him as well as he hoped. And so he attempted to practice a meditation trance, re-entering into the seventh and eighth jhanas that he had mastered under his two teachers. Only this time he decided to do them without breathing at all. Again, using the same kind of energy and effort, that he had used in attempting to crush his lustful mind with his lustful mind. He said, I stopped the in-breaths and the out-breaths in my mouth and in my nose. And when I did so, there was a loud sound of wind coming from my ear holes, as when a smith's bellows are blown out. Violent winds wrecked my head and carved up my belly, and I was exhausted by the painful effort. So these techniques, as you know, have not been passed down through the ages, although I think many of us have attempted something on this order as we try our best to break free from our own suffering.

[19:52]

And I think all of us have come to the same conclusions as the young prince. This is definitely not the way. But he wasn't quite done with himself yet, so he decided on one last course of austerities in order to abolish his desires. He imagined that if he weakened his body to such a great extent, he would lose its power to generate lustful thoughts in his mind. So he ingested very small portions of food, barely enough to sustain life, until he reached a state of extreme emaciation, which he described in this way. My limbs look like bamboo stems, my buttocks a camel's hoof, the projections on my spine... like a beaded cord. The gleam in my eyes sunk far down in their sockets, and my hair rotted at its roots. If I made water or evacuated my bowels, I fell over on my face. I used to find these stories kind of inspiring, and I really don't anymore.

[20:55]

I really don't want people to hurt themselves. Not for liberation, not for anything. I'm really fond of people, young people, all people, Students who are trying so hard to break free from their suffering, to find freedom. And yet that freedom lies a mere hair's breadth deviation from the spot where they are. At all times, it's right here. It's right now. So the heart and the spirit of young people isn't any different today than it was in those days. Young people are willing to risk their lives for their values, for their ambition. for the patriotism of their elders, or just to have a good time, or simply perhaps to escape for a time from this persistent pull of the Earth's gravity. A few years ago, I helped to memorialize a second much-loved member of my extended family, whose name was Harley.

[21:57]

He'd become addicted to heroin. The first family member that we memorialized was my daughter, Sabrina's birth mother. Jennifer. And then there are two more family members who seem to be on the way, their brother Lindsay and his daughter Diane, along with a great many of their friends. All of them came to the funeral and they all cried, we all cried, as once again they were betrayed by their deep faith in the promise of a pain-free life, a promise that resulted in no life at all. So too often we end up marrying the young, but it's our great fortune indeed, that there was one young man long ago who decided to survive his own misdirected efforts by virtue of a realization that this was not the way. This was not the way. And he said... By this grueling penance I have attained no distinction higher than the human state, nothing worthy of a noble one's knowledge and vision.

[23:03]

Might there be another way to enlightenment? I think radical honesty is a pretty important element of our quest for realization. The easiest person to fool, of course, is ourselves. I think we've all been trained on the report card system and in competition with one another. and probably to a point where we all got pretty good grades because we were supposed to. I remember thinking one time, here we are at the graduation and there's one valedictorian and one homecoming queen and one homecoming king, and what about the rest of us? Competition. So the work of our spiritual lives isn't like that. In fact, anything we think about ourselves that makes us special in any way, either as the worst or the best, is a good sign of the Zen sickness. Enlightened existence is who, where, and what we truly are right now, today, and every day.

[24:14]

Justice is it. You didn't bring yourself here, and you're not going to take yourself away. We are the creations, the co-creations of the mind. There is no one to praise and no one to blame. As the Dalai Lama said after 9-11, don't look for blame, look for causes. And as Master Dunshan said many centuries later, even if your words cause stones to nod their heads, don't value your own affairs. And yet because we are already free, we can create something really dumb, like meditating without breathing, or giving up food until we nearly die. Or we can create something amazing, like right now, this big fat moment that's right before our very eyes. Justice is it. It's never enough, and it's always too much.

[25:19]

And we have to get used to it. So even though this isn't all that great, I know that, so far no one has come up with anything better. And although, as it's written, one young prince certainly gave it a try. And then he had his greatest realization of them all. I thought of a time when my shocking father was working and I was sitting in the cool shade of a rose apple tree, quite secluded from lustful desires and unwholesome thoughts. And I entered upon an abode in the first meditation, the first jhana, which is accompanied by thinking and exploring with happiness and pleasure born of release. And I thought, might that be the way to enlightenment? Then following up that memory, there came the recognition that this was the way to enlightenment.

[26:21]

So tomorrow I'm going to continue with these stories from the Pali Canon, recounting the Buddha's enlightenment experience, followed by some of the teachings on the human mind that he gave to his first disciples. And thank you all very much for your kind attention. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[27:01]

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