This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Welcome, everyone. Thank you all for coming. I especially want to thank the people who don't live here, and thank the people who live here, of course. But you obviously don't know who I am. so you're still here, and that's pretty amazing to me that there are people here supporting what we do in this way, and ways we can notice and ways we can't notice, I think it does help us. So thank you so much for being here. And I want to thank the tanto, Mary, who couldn't be here tonight, and she was sad she couldn't, but I want to thank her for inviting me to give the talk, and I want to thank the abbots and senior dharma teachers for assenting to that invitation. And I guess I want to open by talking about this dream I had last night.

[01:06]

The movie Dumbo just came out, and I think that's why I had this dream. I saw a pack of elephants flying through the sky, and all of a sudden the lead elephant started defecating and just spraying fecal matter over all of the elephants behind him. And when I woke up, I thought, yeah, that's how I feel about giving a Dharma talk, actually. My subconscious was really on point with that. So I'm sorry. To have to try to put into words what cannot be spoken. I have been, so most of you don't know, I guess. Well, I've spent most of my adult life at Zen Center. And I started out, actually, when I was a teen, I knew I wanted to devote my life to spiritual practice from the first time I encountered the Gospels.

[02:11]

So actually it was Christ was my first spiritual love. And then a few years later, I had an ecstatic and euphoric introduction to Hinduism. And it was while looking for an ashram to live at, that I found Zen Center accidentally. And I've been here ever since. So even though it wasn't my first spiritual calling, I am definitely a company man, and I completely believe in the Soto Zen lineage and in the founder of this temple, Suzuki Roshi, and my root teacher, Tenshin Zanki, Reb Anderson. And the founder, or the first... Japanese monk who practiced this lineage in Japan, Ehei Dogen. And so I think just tonight I want to give my understanding of what this lineage is offering and what the philosophy of Ehei Dogen is saying. And if I were going to distill it into one... Well, okay, sorry.

[03:18]

I have to define my terms. We have very important terms. One is dependent co-arising. And another way of saying dependent co-arising is just cause and effect. Just the cause and effect that we live with every day. Another way of saying it is impermanence. So when I say dependent co-arising, I just mean everyday cause and effect, everyday impermanence. And the other very important term is prajnaparamita, which translates to the perfection of wisdom. And the perfection of wisdom, I believe, is the perfection of reality right now. The perfection of the universe, the unavoidable perfection of the universe. Another phrase in Zen, which is also in my teacher's name, it's called total functioning. And he calls it the whole works, in the double meaning of the whole works being everything, and the whole dash works.

[04:19]

It functions perfectly. And my slogan for Prajnaparamita is the universe doesn't make mistakes. So I may say that many times because I have to remind myself of it constantly. So if I were going to say what the sort of ethos of Soto Zen is or the philosophy of Ehe Dogen, I would say that dependent co-arising both hides and reveals Prajnaparamita. And our practice is to understand that every moment as both faith and revelation. And so that's kind of the way a Buddhist nerd would put it. So in the colloquial way, it would just say the everyday conditions and impermanence of our life both hides and reveals

[05:21]

the perfection of the universe and the reality that the universe does not make mistakes. And our job, our work with that, is to understand that at every moment as a leap of faith and as revealed truth. And there are many ways our tradition attempts to get that across in words, even though it can't really be spoken because it's a reality beyond our understanding. And one way is koans. Actually, I guess I could read a quote from Dogen because he really encouraged koans. And let's see. He's talked about them a lot. He told the koan stories a lot, and some people think these are just illogical stories, right? They just don't make any sense, and they're just meant to scramble our brains and make it easier to be concentrated in meditation or something.

[06:29]

But Dogen said, "...in China there are careless fellows who say that koans are Zen words that are beyond logic and unconcerned with thought. They regard these as words of enlightenment that precede the arising of form." They say ancient masters used expedient phrases which are beyond understanding to slash entangled vines. Those who say this have never seen a true teacher, and they have no eye of understanding. They are immature, foolish fellows not even worthy of discussing. In China, the great road of Buddha ancestors is crumbling. These people are more stupid than animals. The illogical stories mentioned by those bald-headed fellows are only illogical for them. Um... which I wanted to share just because it's a side of Dogen that we don't really see, you don't really get if you don't really delve into his writings. But he said stuff like that a lot. And so I want to offer koans as well as... Actually, because it can be really straightforward.

[07:35]

And almost all of them involve, from my perspective, as a student, prone to freaking out. They, to me, are stories of young students freaking out about their own perceived unworthiness, their own lack of understanding, their own perceived imperfection. And then the teacher comes along and says, by the way, you're freaking out about the perceived imperfection of the universe? is the exact way the universe is perfecting itself right now. And they say it in such a way that it actually works. And so I'll share a story. It's the fourth case of the Mumonkan called Gute's finger. And Gute is one finger Zen. So Zen master Gute, whenever he was asked, what is the meaning of Zen?

[08:39]

He would just hold up a finger. And one of his students, when he got into this, and maybe, well, I'll just tell the story. When one of his students was around him for a little while, he started doing the same thing. Whenever somebody would ask the student about what is the meaning of Zen, the student would hold up a finger. Master Gute got wind of this, and he said... And Masagute asked the student, what is the meaning of Zen? The student held up a finger. Masagute grabbed the finger, grabbed a knife, and cut the finger off. And when the student was running around, screaming in agony, I'm sure, bleeding all over the place, Masagute said, hey! And the student was greatly enlightened. And so I think if you forget the kicker at the end, which all these stories tend to end with, it's a pretty straightforward story about somebody who thought that they weren't good enough by themselves.

[09:55]

They loved their teacher. They respected this person and saw other people respecting this person. And they thought, I need to be like that to be worthy, to be worthy of who I know I am. And it was only at the moment that the student was completely unable to imitate the teacher, and the student just had to be actually his most panicked, agonized, distressed, betrayed, and confused self. It was only then that they were able to see the reality that the universe doesn't make mistakes, and that who we are at every moment is the exact way the universe is perfecting itself. But it can get tricky. It's very tricky, especially because they keep throwing in that line at the end about the student becoming greatly enlightened.

[10:57]

And I don't know, I still don't know what kind of encouragement that's offering, actually, because I keep reading it as, oh, the student understood, and they never didn't understand again. They were just fine. And I don't experience that. And actually when I experience moments where it seems like I'll never doubt again, it's followed by the most crushing doubt and unworthiness. And I really do feel that the teaching of this lineage and the philosophy of the teachers actually speaks to that more than it speaks to experience that changes you forever and you never have to go back and to describe that I want to talk about Ben Bowman and none of you know Ben Bowman because he's somebody I went to middle school with and when I was in middle school I used to play basketball with my friends at the park and they would turn the lights off at night and

[12:09]

Here, there's a basketball park across the street, and they leave the lights on 24 hours a day, which I know because I have to sleep next to them, and because it's a big city, and when you have a million people, maybe someone needs to play basketball at 3 a.m. There's a lot of different schedules. But in the suburbs, you guys know how suburbs work, right? If you're not on that schedule, you're basically not welcome. So they just figured they'll turn off all the lights at a certain point. So my friends and I, I was maybe 14, We were all playing basketball well into the night, long after sunset. And then when we were tired, we sat at the tables and just chatted. And as we were talking, while we were talking, Ben all of a sudden goes, uh-oh. And the moment he said that, all of the lights shut off and we were plunged into darkness. And because we were 14-year-old boys, we lost our minds.

[13:11]

I would say, what happened? What was that? And Ben was freaking out, too. He's like, I don't know why I said it. I don't know why that happened. And so the teaching of this school is actually that the perfection of wisdom is acting at every single moment. The reason I remember that moment decades later, is because we all noticed. We all actually noticed the perfect functioning that's going on well beyond or beneath, however you want to say it, our conscious understanding of what's actually going on. And that's also really tricky, because I'm going to say this, even if it doesn't make sense. The perfection of wisdom is operating all the time. However, the moments that we notice it are the moments that it's actually hiding from us.

[14:16]

And the way it hides from us at that moment is the way it's the perfection of wisdom. And if you do nothing but read... Dogen, for a month, that will make sense to you. That's the kind of stuff he says. And the reason I'm saying that is because I think it relates to another phrase Dogen likes to use, which is when you're not practicing, you're turned by things. And when you are practicing or when you do hear the Dharma, you turn things around. I guess that's one. The second thing that he seems to be saying, well, he calls enlightenment great realization of delusion. He uses the opposites against themselves in a way that seems to suggest that whatever looks to us like wisdom is actually ignorance.

[15:20]

And whatever looks to us like ignorance is actually wisdom. And so my feeling over the years has grown into those moments where it seems like everything, the perfection of reality is actually completely revealed to me. Those are the moments that I'm actually losing it. And the reason I think that is because of my zazen practice, which we've all experienced, I'm sure. You're sitting... and everything's going good, and you're concentrated, and you're totally present in the present moment, and then the very next thing that happens is that it just spits you out, just spins you away from it, because there is a karmic freight train of momentum pushing us away from the present moment toward desires and aversions. And I really think that phrase of when you're not practicing, you're turned by things, and when you are practicing, you turn things around, is actually, to me, speaks to that moment.

[16:33]

I'm sure there's a million ways to understand it, but that's one way I tend to understand it, is that when I'm actually feeling like I'm doing Zen practice, that's the moment I get turned by the moment, actually. That's the moment I get turned away. And when I seemingly lose the thread, that's when I come back and I turn things around. And I feel like our practice is to do that over and over again, forever, every single time, with patience and enthusiasm. Because the process of the perfection of wisdom is to meet this process of being turned and turning back with patience and enthusiasm. And what happens as you really do that over and over again forever, I believe,

[17:48]

is the other aspect of the process of the perfection of wisdom, which is generosity and kindness. As you see your own inability to be the ideal that you wish you were and just keep coming back regardless, you can start to find some level of generosity and kindness for yourself because you'll know that it's necessary. And as you keep deepening that kindness and generosity for yourself, that will become kindness and generosity toward everyone that you encounter. And that is really my faith in this practice, that the more I can find

[18:52]

generosity and kindness toward my own stupidity, toward my own inability to live up to who I wish I was, I'll be able to see that every other person is in the exact same process and that that exact same process just is the way the universe perfects itself. And it is the revelation that the universe does not make mistakes. And there's a way... I just want to share one other quote by a Zen teacher named Brad Warner, who many people know. He stays at Tazahara regularly. And this is actually, I think, a really beautiful statement that really inspired me.

[19:53]

And I think it applies to people who live in a temple or a monastery, but I think it definitely, or it's specifically about residential practitioners, but I think it really applies to everyone, as you'll see. And he's talking about the temples in the 1200s, when Dogen lived. And he said, don't picture ancient temples filled with stereotypical serene monks out of central casting. It might be more helpful... to think of them as people with a lot of issues, such as depression, social anxiety, problems with their parents, maybe a little post-traumatic stress, and plenty of other baggage. Which is not to say that Zen temples these days aren't still full of people with issues. You don't generally take such a drastic step as moving into a meditation center unless you are aware that something is very wrong in your life and that you need help. In some ways, contemporary Zen centers resemble halfway houses for people who are seeking ways to get by in the world without falling to pieces.

[20:57]

Of course, not everybody there is an emotional mess. I am. That's why I'm sharing this. I just want everyone to know that. Of course not. Okay. And since the practice really does help with these issues, you'll find lots of people who are handling things very well in spite of whatever issues they were battling when they first arrived. Also, there tends to be a strong sense of camaraderie among those who know how hard it was before they entered monastic life and how hard monastic life can be, as well as why monastic living helps. And again, I think that applies to everyone. I mean, to even come to a meditation center, I think there's a sense that this practice is necessary in your life or is at least a very vital part of a healthy life. And I really pray for myself that I can have the kindness and patience with my own difficulties that will allow me to have compassion for the difficulties of everyone else, even if they're not telling me them, but they're just acting out of anger or doing some other way of having an emotional state that's several degrees removed from what's actually causing the pain

[22:18]

It's part of what makes it so hard to recognize sometimes. And people really want you to believe their story. And I think this practice is about having the courage to say, I care about you too much to believe your story. And the first person to say that toward is ourselves. That's maybe a little advanced to say that to other people just yet, at least for me. I can just love them all the time. It's kind of my, always choose kindness, that's my motto. But yeah, just telling myself over and over again that I care about myself too much to believe my story about what's happening. And to constantly live in that process of meeting the moment and getting turned away and coming back and getting turned away and coming back and getting turned away, and knowing somehow, with as much faith as you can muster, that that is how reality is perfecting itself.

[23:27]

I guess that's all I have this evening. Is there a time? If there are questions, I'm open to it. We can also just go to bed. Thank you all. Thank you all for coming. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[24:22]

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