This is my first talk in the Buddha Hall at City Center. I'm Linda Galleon, and I was just Shuso at Tassajara during the winter practice period. So first of all, I'd like to thank Linda Ruth Cutts, who invited me to be Shuso with her. It was truly an amazing experience. And my root teacher, Sojin Mel Weitzman. And to both of them, I owe just an enormous debt of gratitude and love. And of course, the only way I can repay that is by doing things like sitting here and sharing the Dharma with all of you. So that gives me great joy. One of the things about being Shuso at Tassajara, I think everyone who has been Shuso at Zen Center says basically the same thing, which is it's just about the best thing in your whole life. And it's really true.

[01:00]

But one of the things that was amazing for me was just to feel this incredible support from everyone and everything. And you immediately realize, or I immediately realized, that the support is always there all the time. Like I was waiting up by the Han. And Rosalie was going to see who might be the Jiko and carry the incense in. So I didn't know who that would be. And then Susan came. So it was like this gift, you know? And it's like gifts happen moment after moment. And when you're put in a new situation, it's so easy to see them. When you first come to Zen Center, the gifts are just... So evident and so amazing that we have this opportunity to practice together and to practice in Sangha and to hear the Dharma. And it's just the nature of human being that we get used to things and we forget how special things are.

[02:09]

And it's hard to stay in touch with the amazing gratitude that naturally arises when we first encounter things. That was what was most special to me about being Shouseau, was I really got in touch with how deeply supported I am in my life, not only at Zen Center, but just in my daily life in the world. You know, we have clean water and clean air and food, and people are taking care of the whole world. We have enough peace in this country that we can practice. Sometimes it would just almost get overwhelming realizing the depth of support that we have. And the impulse that arose in me immediately was just of wanting to give back, wanting to support other people, wanting to reach out to people who either weren't getting or weren't experiencing that level of support in their lives.

[03:10]

So just the desire to turn it over again and again and again. The thing I most wanted to talk about tonight was part of a fascicle by Dogen. The fascicle is called Se Shin Se Sho, which means expounding the mind, expounding the essence or nature. And this passage really spoke to me partly because it's one of the few passages in Dogen that is really kind of concrete and not so abstract and in the absolute level. It was very immediate and it touched me deeply. So Dogen says, from the time we establish bodhicitta and aspire to attain liberation and direct ourselves toward training in the way of Buddha, we sincerely practice difficult practices. And though we keep practicing, in a hundred efforts, we never hit the target once.

[04:15]

And this was a great relief to me. Because this is definitely my experience. A lot of the time, Dogen is talking about things that are not my general day-to-day experience. But this is my experience. You know, in 100 efforts, I'm not hitting the target even once. But I had to think about it. What does he mean by hitting the target? Because I had an idea. It wasn't what I mean by hitting the target. What I mean by hitting the target is basically when my day goes the way I think it ought to go. You know, I make a plan. You know, whatever it is, I have plans for my day. Dare I confess, I even somewhere in the back of my mind have plans for zazen. I have an idea about how it should be, which I keep setting aside, but they keep creeping in. You know, so there's always that practice. But I don't think that that's what Dogen's talking about when he says hitting the target.

[05:21]

I think what he's really talking about is realization, is zazen, zazen mind, the way he talks about it. So dropping off body and mind, all the, Jijusama, all the phrases that he's talking about, I think this is what Dogen is talking about when he says hitting the target. So here we are back in Dogen. And he talks about these difficult practices. We sincerely practice difficult practices. So what are these difficult practices? I think maybe the first and foremost one is zazen. And zazen, the way he talks about it, dropping off body and mind. But it's also following the precepts and our bodhisattva vows, which are kind of by definition unattainable. We strive to let go of our striving. We set up all these koans about how we interact with the world.

[06:25]

We have to practice. We have to try. We have to keep trying to hit the target. And yet we know that all that effort is really getting us nowhere. So Dogen goes on and he says, nevertheless, Sometimes following good teachers and sometimes following the sutras, we gradually become able to hit the target. So we start to get a little taste. At the beginning, we don't even have a clue about what we're aiming at, what we're looking for. When we stumble into it, we stumble past because we don't even know that's it. We're so stuck on our idea of what we think it's going to be. And this can get really discouraging. Because practice isn't like most of the things in our lives where we can measure, I'm getting better, I can see measurable progress. So how do we keep practicing if we're feeling discouraged about our practice before we have that confidence and faith in our practice?

[07:34]

Or the times when confidence and faith is maybe a little thin. And part of it is just knowing that in a hundred efforts, we won't even hit the target once. Dogen goes on and he says, one hit of the target now is by virtue of hundreds of misses in the past. It is one maturation of hundreds of misses. Listening to the teachings, training in the truth, and attaining the state of experience are all like this. Even though yesterday's attempts were a hundred misses, the hundred misses yesterday are suddenly a hit today. So we hear the teachings, we study, we talk to our Dharma friends, we talk to our teachers, and bit by bit it sinks in.

[08:36]

Somewhere there's a little taste, there's a little flavor. We get a little closer. We get a feel for it. And we notice the impact on ourselves. We notice how we're relating to ourselves, our experience, and other people a little differently. So we start moving in that direction. Sometimes it feels like we're just going through the motions. We just sit sazen or we just do service or whatever it is. And then somehow it comes to life. And we're there and we're in it. And it's, we know it. We can taste it. We can touch it. It's right there. I think my first Zen teacher, in a sense, I have no idea whether he knew anything about Zen or not, but he was an art teacher that I had when I was about 20. His name was Bob Alderette. And, oh, he said something which really freed my mind.

[09:39]

He said, your first 500 drawings are crap. Get started. And I really loved that. I was like, okay. Because that freed me from the pressure to be an artist. or to do good drawings and paintings, like right now. Which is part of why I started taking art classes, because I thought, well, okay, at least I'll have to be better at the end of it than at the beginning of it, and I'll have to turn things in, so that will be better than like, ah, no, that's not it. And then giving up, which was what I would tend to do. And actually, art is such a great practice And it's a great metaphor, because if you're trying to do life drawings, or drawing things particularly, you're trying to see things how they are.

[10:43]

And you very quickly, when you start drawing, realize how you don't see things as they are. You see, you're drawing your ideas of them. You know, and our ideas are in three dimensions, so you're trying to draw that, and it's actually not possible. So... to drop our ideas about how things are and just to get closer to how things are. This is our practice. So here's a Suzuki Roshi quote. Suzuki Roshi says, the moment you think you understand, you will stick to it and you will lose the full function of your nature. When you see something, your true nature is in full activity, as if you're feeling for your pillow in the dark. If you know where your pillow is, your mind is not in full function. When you are seeking for the pillow without knowing where it is, then your mind is open to everything.

[11:46]

You'll have a more subtle attitude and you will see things as it is. So this art teacher once gave me a big lesson, gave everybody a big lesson in not holding on to our ideas about how things are and cutting attachments. There was a student in the class who was working on a three-quarter length portrait and he was having a lot of trouble with the whole painting except for one part. The hands were perfect and they were folded hands and they were just perfect. and he was spending days and then weeks trying to make the rest of the painting match the hands. And it wasn't working. And he was getting more and more frustrated. So, one day, Bob walked over and he looked at the painting and it was really common for him to take a brush and do a little bit on there. But on this occasion, he took the paintbrush

[12:49]

And he dipped it in the red paint, and he put a big red X on top of the hands. And the student just freaked out. He just lost it. He left. He just ran out of the class, and he didn't come back for several days. When he did come back, he basically made his bows. He expressed a lot of gratitude for being freed. from his attachment to these hands, his idea about how the rest of the painting was supposed to go. I mean, we do this all the time. We have these ideas about how the world should be, how I should be, you should be, things should go, and we keep trying to make things conform to that. We keep trying to get things under better control. So, one of the great opportunities to work with letting go of that is precisely when things don't go the way we want them to, when we can't get the hands to match the rest of the painting.

[13:57]

If the student had been able to make the rest of the painting look just like the hands, he wouldn't have been able to learn that, actually. And every time we're able to make our day go the way we think it should go, or we're able to live up to all our expectations of ourselves, or control the world, We're actually not open to the world. We're just furthering our project of control. So to turn toward the unwanted is a great practice and a great opportunity. It's a Dharma gate to turn toward the unwanted. This is where we open. So we're both turning toward what's unwanted and we're letting go of our ideas and our concepts about how things are. These two things go right together. So one instance of that happening to me was last year I did the Buddhist chaplaincy training with Paul and Gil and Jennifer Block and I met a woman from a Vipassana group in San Jose and she invited me to come give a talk to their group and I was really happy about being able to do that and I'd been looking forward to it for a couple months and I'd

[15:17]

been thinking about my talk and planning for it. But a few days, so this was going to be on a Wednesday night. This was last fall. And maybe one week beforehand, I found out that I was going to be changing positions here at Zen Center. I would cease to be Sheikah, and I would take over as front office manager. And I'd have a few hours to train on Friday, and I would start on that Monday. So it's like huge... and quite sudden. And also, the assistant in the front office was going to be leaving that same Friday, and the person who'd been the office manager was also leaving that Friday, so I'd have a few hours to train, and then I could maybe catch her for a few minutes. But she was basically gone, so I'd have a new assistant and new me on the Monday with no one else there to really check in with. And... So everything was just topsy-turvy. I have my appointment booked somewhere, but I don't even know where it was at this point.

[16:19]

You know, my usual way of doing things just wasn't there, and it was a really chaotic few days. Oh, and I should mention that the person assisting me had just moved into the building for the practice period and had never been here before, so he didn't know anything that was going on. All of which was fine. I mean, it was really quite fine. It was just that it wasn't my usual routine, so I wasn't thinking so much about my talk. And my plan for doing the talk was two women from the group had invited me to meet them for dinner. We were going to go out to dinner, and they were going to lead me over to where the sitting group was, because it was in a residential neighborhood, and they said it was really hard to find. So they were going to lead me over there. We were going to meet for dinner at 6 o'clock. So my plan was to leave work a little early at 4, go home, get changed, leave at 4.30 for San Jose, be calm in plenty of time.

[17:25]

You know, I mean, I have my ideas about being, you know, like the calm, wise, zen person, you know. I was actually really nervous about it. I was really looking forward to it. I was actually really nervous about doing it. but I wasn't wanting to attend to my nervousness. That was something I really didn't want to look at. I also didn't want to look at the fact that I was feeling guilty about leaving early and leaving my assistant by himself, because he was kind of struggling with all this new stuff, and I was going to have to be out of the office in the morning anyway for a staff meeting, and so the long and short of it is I never mentioned to him that I needed to leave at four, and I didn't talk about it with anyone else, and I lost my appointment book, and I worked all afternoon. I worked until 5.30, as a matter of fact. And it was practice period, so we were having practice period teas. So I hurried to get my rakasu and go to the practice period tea. And I'm sitting up in the Doka Sound Room with Paul in our small group.

[18:27]

And at 6.25, I suddenly realized where I should have been at 6 o'clock. And the energy of that, like, took me to my feet. I just, like, stood up and I said... I'm sorry, I just remembered something, something that I have to be in, I just like ran at. We've been doing all of our communication by email. I had no phone number. I didn't know where the group was meeting. I had the name and the directions to the restaurant, and that was it. So... rebooted up the computer, pulled up the email, Googled the restaurant, tried calling them. Of course, that was hopeless. I mean, they're sitting there, but they're not going to be able to find these people in a whole restaurant, you know. But I Googled San Jose Vipassana, and okay, the group popped up, and it turned out that it actually started at 7.30, had a 45-minute sitting, and then a talk at 8.15.

[19:28]

I'm like, okay, it's just almost 7 o'clock now. I can still make the talk. So I Googled directions, grabbed an apple for dinner, got in the car, and went. And then I got on the freeway, and along about then I started, got on the 280, and I'm like, okay, where are we now? And it was very helpful because the topic that I was going to speak on was turning toward the unwanted. And I thought, well, okay. Here we go. I had a few little examples from my life. I thought, this is really immediate. I can use this. So I did. I thought, okay, well, I'll just turn toward my experience, which I've been trying really hard to not look at for the last half hour that I've been getting out there.

[20:32]

It was pretty unpleasant. flood of adrenaline, knots in my stomach, nausea, anxiety. But the amazing thing was that just in turning toward my experience rather than trying to suppress it and control it, it all passed off in a few minutes. And I was actually calm and kind of found my balance and my sense of humor. And... and was able to think about my talk. I hadn't been able to get my notes either. I was going to print them out that afternoon, of course, which I could not then do. So I came down and that's part of what I talked about. That was great because it was just quite immediate. I had to let go of all my ideas and be with what was there. And lo and behold, what was there was actually fine. Dogen goes on and he says, the Buddha way, at the time you first establish the intention to practice and awaken, is the Buddha way.

[21:57]

And at the time of the realization of truth, it is the Buddha way. The beginning, the middle, and the end are each the Buddha way. It is like someone walking a thousand miles The first step is one in a thousand miles, and the thousandth step is one in a thousand miles. Though the first step and the last step are different, the thousand miles are the same. Foolish people think that when we are learning the Buddha way, we have not arrived at the Buddha way. They think that it is the Buddha way only in the time beyond realization of awakening. The whole way is is expounding or manifesting the way. The whole way is practice of the way. The whole way is experience of the way. So we usually think that when things don't go our way, when we make mistakes, when we fail to live up to not only our expectations, but actually our vows and our commitments, when we fall short, we think this is not the Buddha way.

[23:10]

But when we engage in our practice, it's all the Buddha way. Actually, whether we're engaging in our practicing at that moment or not, we're still, how can we say it's not the Buddha way? How can I say that it's not the way when I forget or when I do the million things that I wish I could take back or do differently? From the moment we set forth on the Buddha way, we are on the Buddha way. And then we keep coming back. Because it's also not enough to say, oh, we're in the Buddha way. That's enough. We have to practice. We have to keep aiming at the target. There is no realization without practice. And practice and realization aren't separate. So... when we make our mistakes, when we make our efforts, whether they fall short or not, to keep coming back over and over again, to keep letting go of our ideas, to keep touching back into our actual experience, whether it's pleasant or unpleasant.

[24:26]

This coming back, this renewing our vow, this is the heart of our life. This is the heart of our practice. One of the ways that this has been very powerful for me is in working with issues around diversity. Because there's a lot of fear that comes up for me around addressing issues of race, class, culture, all the isms that we struggle to work with. Because for myself, I want to look good. I want to be helpful. I don't want to hurt other people. It's really hard for me to know when I do something that's hurtful to other people. It's just painful, and I don't want to let it in. So taking up diversity work, doing workshops, doing trainings, doing things at Zen Center and out in the world has been really a powerful way for me to engage in that.

[25:31]

And there's been a lot of support for doing that, a lot of support to look at where my limitations are and to not get stuck, not get stuck in them. There was an issue of turning wheel, I think, about a year or two ago that was devoted to allies, working with allies around race, class, and culture. And one of the stories that touched me the most was about an incident that happened at Buddhist Peace Fellowship a couple of years ago where there were some really crossed communications and despite people's best intentions there was a lot of pain that came up and a staff member left and out of that came this issue of turning wheel and they wrote the whole story of what happened in that instance and all that they did to help heal it. So even when there's a lot of pain, even when the rifts, the pain between ourselves and our friends, our families, our co-workers, our Dharma brothers and sisters are very large and deep and wide, it's still possible to heal those.

[27:00]

And maybe not in the way that we think. It might not look like what we think it should look like. But we can still make the effort. We can still come back again and again, turning toward what is actually there, letting go of our ideas. And this practice of touching in with other people. We have the practice of sitting. When we sit zazen, we let go of our ideas and we turn to our direct experience. But off the cushion, one of the ways that's so powerful is actually to check in with other people, particularly people that we're close to. How is it for you? Can we really listen? So the practice of deep listening. And it's hard, it's really hard to listen that deeply, to let go of our own ideas. to let go of what we want to say, to let go of control, to actually listen and hear what someone else's experience is.

[28:05]

I think the closer we are to someone, the harder it is to really listen because we have more ideas about them. We have more desire to protect ourselves and protect the relationship. But this is where our practice can really support us and really open us very deeply. is in our relationships. Our relationships with ourselves, our relationships with others. It really starts with our relationship with ourselves. And zazen is a beautiful place to do it. Can we actually hear what our experience is? Can we listen to our own experience? Or do we try to cover it over with what we think our experience should be? That openness, that experience in the moment, on the cushion, to the extent that we can allow that moment by moment, is the foundation for being able to go out in the world and meet other people, meet other situations with beginner's mind, with an openness to actually receiving what is there.

[29:15]

So this is where our practice becomes really intimate. And probably each one of you could think of an area where there's a lot of fear in your life or a lot of resistance or anger, where something is really strong. So maybe that could be a Dharma gate for you. Maybe in turning toward that, it could become less of a barrier and more of an opening. Maybe that could be an entryway into something unexpected. and something really beautiful. Because when we take these kind of risks, when we open our hearts, this is when we actually connect. We connect with ourselves, with our own hearts, and we connect with other people. When we get too caught up in protecting ourselves and trying to look good, we actually keep people away. But when people let down, I mean, you've seen this in other people,

[30:19]

Of course, it's so much easier to see in other people than it is to see in ourselves. When other people are willing to be there with us, with their vulnerabilities, we're just right there with them. And it's true the other way, too. When we can be real with other people, they feel an invitation to be real with us. And again, Joko On, it says, when you find your place where you are, practice occurs, actualizing the fundamental point. When you find your way at this moment, practice occurs, actualizing the fundamental point. Here is the place, here the way unfolds. It's not someplace other than this right now. And it takes a lot of faith to be able to actually practice that. faith and confidence that this is enough, that this moment is enough, that I am enough, that you are enough, that the world, exactly as it is, is enough.

[31:31]

And that doesn't mean that there aren't huge things that need to be worked with and changed in the world. But we can't even begin to do that until we can accept things exactly as they are. When we can... really embrace the world exactly as it is, then there's some possibility for movement. But it's like a dance. It arises together and it arises in a fluid way rather than trying to push. So we keep renewing our vows. We keep coming back. And we develop some confidence that we can keep ongoing through the hundred efforts to miss the target, the hundreds of efforts to hit the target, and that we can keep surviving all the misses, the small misses and the big misses, and we can keep coming back again and again.

[32:35]

And for this, we need a lot of encouragement and a lot of support. So part of that is being open. to the encouragement and support that's already there. Because there's a lot of it. And part of it is seeking it out. Seeking out teachers, seeking out teachings, making a commitment to practice. Just getting your butt on the cushion and opening to what is, is encouraging. We can encourage ourselves. We can encourage each other. Sometimes it's easier to encourage each other than it is to encourage ourselves. It's so obvious the strong efforts that other people make. I walk into the zendo and I see everyone straight back sitting there. I look out at all of you and I feel completely encouraged just that we're all sitting here trying to find the way. So bringing a mind of gratitude and appreciation is very encouraging.

[33:38]

It's encouraging for ourselves and it's encouraging for others. It is like someone walking a thousand miles. The first step is one in a thousand miles and the thousandth step is one in a thousand miles. Though the first step and the last step are different, the thousand miles are the same. Whether you know it or not, whether you consciously experience it or not, even now you are walking the Buddha way. And then we just wake up to that experience of it more and more and more. Thank you all for your practice. Thank you all for your encouragement. Please appreciate yourselves.

[34:42]

Thank you. May our intention equally extend.

[34:51]

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