This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So, hello and welcome. I was wondering if there's anybody here for the first time this evening. So, welcome. It takes a lot of courage to come here for the first time. So I congratulate you for just doing it. Probably people have been thinking about it for a little while, and there's always another thing that has to happen. So thank you for coming. My name is Mary, and I find myself these days living and working at City Center. I... I first came to San Francisco Zen Center in 2001.

[01:01]

I went to Tassajara without knowing anything about Zen practice or anything about San Francisco Zen Center. And I worked there for the summer guest season and then did two practice periods. And since then I've sort of had an on and off relationship with San Francisco Zen Center. I decided to have more of an on-again relationship with Zen Center starting in 2009 when I decided to return and live here for an extended period of time and asked to receive ordination. And I was ordained in 2010 and have been living and working I've spent time at all three practice centers, actually, of the family. And I've been here for over a year.

[02:04]

So, tonight I thought I'd talk to you or talk a little bit about kaleidoscopes. Does everybody know what a kaleidoscope is? Better still, is there anybody that doesn't actually know what a kaleidoscope is? Hey, great. So I remember as a child having a toy called a kaleidoscope, and it's generally a tube, and at the end of the tube there are two pieces of glass or clear material, that aren't exactly squished together, so there's some space in between. And they usually have items in it. Sometimes it's like sparkly things, or different shapes, or... I think that's usually what it is.

[03:09]

And so the tube, when you rotate it, it allows these things to fall into different configurations. And you can look at a very light thing, and it looks a certain way, and then if you go against a wall, it looks in a different way. And so pretty well any time a kid picks up the kaleidoscope and looks into it, the thing they're seeing is different. And I remember trying to get the thing to be the same. So set it down, try to pick it up carefully, set it to the side, not move it so much, but every single time, no matter how hard I tried, because I kind of got that it would be different, I wanted it to be the same. And it never was. So this still kind of fascinates me in relation to perspective.

[04:18]

So we can look at something a certain way, whether through a tube or through our sensory, with our sensory input. And we can look at it one moment, and then the next moment we look at it again, and often if we're looking closely, it's different. And I think I was having a really cool conversation with... Some of you know Ki, who is a good friend of mine and practitioner, and he was saying every time he goes and sits in Zazen, he realizes that his breathing and the way his breathing feels in his body is different. And I think that's true if we're sensitive enough to what's going on in our bodies with our experience, with the things that are coming into our mind. It's different than it was the last time.

[05:19]

So yesterday, a dear friend of ours died very surprisingly and suddenly at Tassajara. And at first, first sort of hit for me, it was like, wow, this is just out of the blue. It's so surprising. And then it's like I put the kaleidoscope up to my eye and I turned it just a little bit and I thought, oh, he had this serious, serious medical condition that involved his heart. So maybe his death wasn't exactly surprising, but it was sudden. And then when I hold that kaleidoscope up again to my eye, I realized that Shon had this belief, this intention, that his main practice was generosity.

[06:42]

And one of the ways he wanted to express his main practice was to go to Tassajara and cook for people and share his love of food and his feeling of warmth with other people through his food. And yet he knew that living in Tassajara was risky for him because he wouldn't be able to be in close contact with his doctor. It's, for those of you that have been to Tassajara, it's remote, it's physically challenging, to say the least, I would say. And so, maybe, again, it makes me look at, so was his death as sudden, as surprising to him? Or is it even as sudden and surprising to me, given that he

[07:43]

wanted to do this practice called generosity practice and looking more closely at the context of that. And then I turned the kaleidoscope again and I thought about a specific conversation we had in the kitchen last fall where he said he wanted to go to Tassajara and live there for the rest of his life. And he did. And so there was this feeling yesterday for me of... Kind of... It's like actually he knew what he was doing with his life in some small way. And I have to be...

[08:45]

willing to look at my perspectives on his experience to check out if my perspectives match his or if my perspectives allow for his perspective. So this idea of a kaleidoscope or allowing for different perspectives somehow for me relates to the idea of practice. And how I would describe this to you, folks, is that we've all stood in a hallway. We've all stood at the end of a hallway. And in a hallway, you're looking down. And in our lives, the tendency is for the walls of the hallway to come inward ever so slightly. And as we get older, our perspective gets narrower and narrower.

[09:52]

And that is because we start believing that we know who we are. We start believing that we, as a result of all our experiences, know what the world is. We know where we're coming. Some of us believe we know where we're going. And all those things work together actually pull the walls of our lives inwards. And one of the things that I found that is helpful for me is that practice, as in actual zazen, or seated meditation, in my life forces the walls outward. And I don't exactly know how that works. I think partly it works because as a result of practice, I am not so confident that my perspective is right, or I'm not so confident that the one perspective I have in this one instance is exactly what it's gonna be in the next instance.

[11:11]

So it allows for this opening. And that's what I experience in my life with the idea of the walls sort of opening. And this has been really important for me to think about in relation to Sean, because he and I talked a lot about going to Tassahara. And I was... I was really like, I don't think that's a good idea. I think being here close to doctors, close to a hospital, where you can get more rest, is probably the way to go. And he was very clear that that was not his perspective on his life. So while the news of his death is sad for me, because I think of his parents, I think of his friends, I think of his exuberance, I also think that there's a huge part of him that would just be laughing about this.

[12:45]

in a joyful, completely embracing way. And this, this certainty, or sort of certainty, about his willingness to generosity in this particular way again makes me or allows me to feel that we all approach our lives in different ways and we can try to share that with other people have

[13:48]

turn the kaleidoscope. And that is actually the richness that life affords us. So to go back to something I said, I think that, for me anyway, it's become clear in my that sitting zazen allows for the possibility that my perspective will change. And as a human, this has become increasingly important to me. Because I... more and more have the understanding that my life is complicated, that sad things will happen no matter what, that happy things happen as well, that this idea that if we do it right, if we really do things right,

[15:18]

that everything will turn out well. I don't believe that so much anymore. I believe that, I said this to Maggie one day, I said, I don't think things are always right, that we can always be right, but we can be upright. And I think that, for me anyway, that intention of being willing to meet all these experiences is almost the best gift I can give myself. And I actually think that's a pretty good gift to give to myself. So I have been thinking a lot, as I said, about Shon.

[16:28]

And I wanted to say that there's a Lojan slogan and it is number 39, and the slogan is, all activities should be done with one intention. So the slogans, the Lojong slogans are, I would say, it's like a tool that I have been using and engaged with for a number of years. And the slogans, there are 59 of them, And they're short phrases. And they're designed to be turned in one's mind and to just kind of pop up at various moments.

[17:38]

And so number 39 is all activities should be done with one intention. And the commentary is The one intention is to have a sense of gentleness toward others and a willingness to be harmful, to be helpful to others always. That seems to be the essence of the Bodhisattva vow. And this is the slogan that I thought today when I was thinking of Shon, that he did all his activities with one intention. He was kind of like this gentle, somebody described him as a Santa Claus. Energetic, gentle, forceful in a way. But he always took it seriously when somebody would say to him, oh, that was really hurtful.

[18:47]

He didn't want to cause harm. And I think, for me, when I think of him and the way he was working to live his life, it was with this one intention. So, for me, I think this idea of perspective is very important. This idea of looking at something and assessing it and thinking that's That's my experience.

[19:51]

But in the next minute, the next moment, being able to actually look at something again and allowing for it to be slightly different. And allow for change. Because I think that is actually what's happening all the time around us. That things change. I think the Buddha said that. things change. And to be gentle around the idea that that's what's happening. So I think I would like to stop there. And if there are questions, I'd be very happy to see what comes from the question. Everything changes.

[21:02]

Sometimes it feels like they get repeated. The same horrible thing happens over and over and over again. Mary, I don't even want to speak to that. The question or the comment is that Allison feels as if she's caught in a horrible pattern that happens over and over and over and over and over again. So, I don't know, maybe my kaleidoscope's broken? Yeah. She said maybe her kaleidoscope is broken. I actually think that if you were to examine your experience closely, you would find that your experience isn't the same. that each time you feel like you're caught in a horrible sameness there is something different like the color of the socks that you're wearing are different therefore everything else is different I think there's a way in which we think oh god not this again you know and

[22:27]

there is this idea of karmic tendency, and we get caught in situations that are similar. But I actually don't think they're the same, and I think each time you're in that situation, you're growing, changing, learning. And that's not exactly the same. Maybe even particularly as practitioners, we are confronted with a lot sitting, reflecting perhaps on this nature of change. Why does it come as such a shock when somebody we love dies? Why was that so shocked? I think there are so many things.

[23:30]

One of the things I know for sure is as a culture we suck at talking about this. Like we just do not want to have these conversations. And as human beings I think it is true that there's a part of us that believes that everybody else is mortal but we aren't. I think it's just part of our genetic almost, to not believe it, to believe that this will last forever. So I think if we as a culture were better at talking about death, then there would be the component of us, of our ego, that doesn't believe it, but our experience would reflect this thing that happens. One of the things that I think is really sad about our culture right now is death is hidden away from us, for the most part.

[24:39]

We're not around sickness so much, it's removed from us. It's often that we're not even around old age very much. I was traveling with my 94-year-old father a couple years ago, and we would... walk into restaurants and people would be like, because they don't see old people like that very much. It's very surprising. So I think it's a lack of familiarity as part of why it's so shocking. And then I also think that we actually don't like, we're not so good at intense emotion. So when that announcement was made yesterday, that is an intense experience to be told that.

[25:44]

And so I think even that is hard for us sometimes. So it's, there are lots of elements that are woven together to make it very shocking. And kind of slash unpleasant, I think. Does that kind of get there? So I have a tendency to be very cautious around things that can fall into spiritual bypass. There are ways that I can alter my perspective or search for a perspective that will make it so that my heart doesn't break. And I think I have to be really careful because sometimes my heart doesn't stay broken.

[26:53]

It's how I have learned to soften and not be so. So maybe you could speak a little bit about the dangers of that. One of the things that Trungpa Rinpoche talked about was that as a Tibetan practitioner, we walk around with broken hearts all the time. And I certainly feel that in my own practice, accepting the fact that for the most part, I have an open, wounded or broken heart,

[27:57]

broken heart is part of how I live. I don't think it's possible to be aware of all the difficulties in the world and not have a broken heart, actually. I think that we have this idea that embarrassing. And I just think that that is I think not just being a spiritual being but a human being. It's coming to terms with the fact that having a broken heart is how we actually are once we take the shields down.

[29:08]

So I don't think that specifically answers your question, but yeah, I'm struck by the idea that allowing or living life with a broken heart is essential. Miles? In some ways, isn't holding on to death what makes life meaningful, knowing that it's feeding? forgiving those we need to forgive, telling those we love, we love them, so that we don't end up in a situation where it's too late.

[30:13]

I agree. I mean, I completely support that. I started a practice many years ago of telling my parents on the phone that I loved them after phone calls. My parents are deeply, they were deeply, deeply Anglo-Saxon, uptight. The word love was not mentioned in my family. So the first time I did this, the phone went silent. And then my mom went, okay then, click. And then, you know, five years later, after hundreds of phone calls, we do too, click.

[31:24]

And it's just such an interesting thing to be, I'm kind of, Like I don't expect them to say, I didn't expect them to say it, I just, I needed to say that to them. And it's kind of joyful in a way to get all the different combinations and permutations of, we really like you but we can't say that word. You know, and a couple times it was sheer victory to have them say, Well, yeah, we love you. We love you. So, yeah, start early. Start often. Tell people. Tell people how much they mean to you. Make it part of your soul. Because I think it's true.

[32:31]

We don't actually know when we're going to be hit by that bus. Or our heart's going to explode. And hoarding love is just a drag. Passing it around, it doesn't cost a thing. And I think it really makes people happy. There was this guy walking across the bridge, Aaron and I were driving, and the sign said, free hugs. And he had it, you know, and he just looked so happy. And I have no idea. People were probably like, stay away from that dude. Or there were other people, I'm sure, that took him up on the offer, you know. But it's just like, wow. We just, we actually... I... I feel so good when I appreciate somebody, and I feel so sad when I don't.

[33:36]

So I really try to work hard on that. So thank you for the question, Laura. I think there's time for one more. Please. So my question is, you talked about change and how the whole way just narrows, right? Every time that at least I face change in my life, I struggle because of a very natural lack of acceptance. It also, you mentioned also, I find that I get the most anxious and stressed when I am not practicing. For six months since the last time I've been here, I'm very happy to be back. Welcome back. But I see the way I struggle. I guess everybody was accepting it, right? Either it can be death and surprises, or even some small changes, like roommates leaving their dishes in the sink.

[34:47]

Yeah, no, I'm there with you on that one. Why can't they be different? They should know. They should do those dishes. I actually think, in terms of accepting change, one of the things that has helped me a lot is realizing that change is, like, approaching it with the known fact in myself that accepting it is hard. You know, so being gentle about, this is hard. I think there's a way in which we often treat ourselves like, I'll get over it. So they didn't do the dishes. Tough, you know? And I think that approach is a little, it's not so helpful. It's like, oh, oh, rats, you know? There was that idea again. And so, allowing myself, you allowing yourself to have this difficult thing which is called change.

[35:55]

And that it's always going to be difficult because we're somehow wired to want things to be the same. We all kind of want the tea to taste the same way. We want our situation in life to be kind of smooth. We think we want that. I think we've been told that if we work hard enough that's what will happen, that things will be kind of smooth. And I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I think it's more like the response to life, our response can be smooth no matter how bumpy things are. So I'm kind of realizing that what I'm asking myself is changing. Does that make sense? If I'm gentle with myself, the things that happen around me might not be gentle, but I'm still, I'm working on the gentleness.

[37:07]

Welcome back. Thank you all very much for your kind attention. And thank you, Rosalie, for asking me to sit up here this evening. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[37:46]

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