This podcast is offered by San Francisco's Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Recently I discovered that the poem that was most quoted last year in the United States was a poem called Kindness. Does that sound okay? Yeah? I was pleased because I know the poet who wrote it well and I was happy for her. And I was also surprised. And even though the title is Kindness and the poem is about kindness, It has its own fierceness to it. Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things.

[01:07]

Not exactly. I asked myself, well, what would I add after that phrase? Before you know what kindness really is, you must. What would you add? What must happen? What must you experience? What must you do to really know what kindness is? What it brought up for me was... In my early 20s, I ended up living in Tokyo, in Japan. And I ended up being the recipient of enormous persistent kindness from all my Japanese neighbors.

[02:12]

And I remember, after being in that environment for several months, it occurred to me, I am the recipient of unrelenting kindness. I don't quite know what to do with it. It seemed to me people were being kind for no good reason other than that I live near them. Before you know what kindness is, you must lose things. Then her next teaching point is before you learn the tender gravity of kindness. The tender gravity of kindness. The gravitas. The weight, the importance, the significance that comes down into your being.

[03:20]

As Kategori Roshi used to say. settles the self in the self. Before you get the importance, the significance, the impact. So again, think, what would you say? Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must, you must what? Read books on it? look up in the dictionary the exact derivation of the word, enacted. And then when I was leaving that in Tokyo, I was young, I was traveling, I never intended to stay there.

[04:24]

for the rest of my life, and I didn't. But a whole bunch of my neighbors walked me to the railway station. And as I was getting on the train to leave, they were waving and singing. I think I got some of the tender gravity of kindness. who grew up in the same town as I did, Belfast, Northern Ireland, where the singer Van Morrison is from. And my friend was a professional musician who made a living singing Van Morrison songs. And so he was at the railway station singing Van Morrison songs. But again, Naomi said,

[05:28]

I think, takes sort of a fierce, maybe edgy approach. Or maybe just speaks from her heart. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in the white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you. When I read that, even though I've read it quite literally over a hundred times, it made me think of a Buddhist teaching. They say in Buddhism that Shakyamuni, when he first left his home, he experienced the three heavenly messengers, old age, sickness, and death.

[06:30]

And I thought, That doesn't sound very heavenly. My own fond memory of the railway station in Tokyo seems a little closer to that for me. Then she continues. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside. So again. What does your mind, your imagination, your wisdom say? What is it that helps you know kindness as the deepest thing inside? After I left Tokyo, my landlady, who had never spoken to a gaijin, a foreigner, before she became my landlady.

[07:44]

I arrived in Tokyo, and I had $40. And I found out that to get into an apartment, you had to have first months last month, first month's rent, last month's rent, one month's security, and one month, which was called key money, which was essentially, you know, you paid extra just to get in the door. And I had $40. And I had run into a high school group who were, they were learning English And so they sort of adopted me, which was a great opportunity to learn English. And so they set up this interview, and they thought in a matter of moments they could teach me Japanese.

[08:50]

So I went into the interview with this lady, and they coached me. You bow, and then you... You say this and then you say this. So I went in and I muttered something utterly incomprehensible. It was so far from Japanese, she thought I was speaking English. And so she rented the apartment to me. funny how life works, you know. And later as I got to know people who lived in Tokyo, and I would say, oh, well I just went, I got into an apartment and I didn't pay a penny. And they said, first of all, it's amazing you find an apartment three days after you're in Tokyo.

[09:54]

Usually it takes months and months and months. Secondly, It's unbelievable that you didn't pay a penny. And after I left, my landlady and I would correspond. She'd write in kanji. I'd have to find someone to translate. I'd write in English. She'd have to find someone to translate. Maybe that's how I learned something about kindness as the deepest thing inside. Naomi says this. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must speak it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows.

[11:02]

left me thinking of that deep challenge of a human life. The sweetness, the reassurance, the comfort of kindness. Not only when we're the recipient, but when we're moved to be the giver. when we give kindness, generosity, something in us, I think, and it's my own experience, is almost like relieved. Thank goodness I'm not so obsessed with being selfish. Thank goodness this part of me has an opportunity to express itself. and how to reconcile, how to integrate, how to harmonize those different parts of ourself.

[12:36]

Maybe we could say, well, it's a battle. Your goodness and your lack of goodness, or whatever you want to call it, have to... battle through so your virtue can shine. Recently I've been thinking of it this way. The image that has come up for me is one of doing mediation. Sometimes I've been called on to mediate between two people over some issue. something where they're not in harmony. And the style of mediation that we do is one person speaks, the other person listens, repeats back a summary of what they said, and then the second person speaks and the first person speaks back a summary of what they said.

[13:49]

And even though that sign's kind of mechanical, contrived, often it works. You can't listen if you're already constructing your rebuttal or if you're already utterly caught up in what you're going to say and what your opinion is, you know. is often the case at the start of the exchange you know when it comes time to summarize what the person just said to you you realize well actually I wasn't listening you know I was inside of my own version of what happened and slowly you start to shift your attention you start to hear oh

[14:54]

There isn't a single truth happening here. There's at least two truths. And then sometimes it's almost like a magic. We had a speaker here on Wednesday night, Anand Thumton, a wonderful Tibetan teacher, and he wrote a book called The Magic of Mindfulness. I only found out on Wednesday, and I haven't read the book, but I love the title. So as this exchange happens, where both people are listening and speaking from the heart, a magic. Something is reconciled. Something is acknowledged. And that image works for me as how we reconcile the different parts of ourself.

[16:02]

In the Buddhist teachings, it says that our lack of generosity, our lack of kindness, is caused by our fear. And the antidote to our lack of kindness is to give, and it's the antidote to our fear. But to have the disparate parts of ourselves come into relationship, to be able to speak to each other, to be acknowledged, rather than somehow within ourselves set up an internal conflict or an internal struggle. Which very interestingly can distract this from exactly what is happening.

[17:12]

One of the things you learn when you're doing mediation is the fastest way to reconcile is to go slow. Can we slow this down? Instead of spilling out all your judgments, all your conclusions, all your grievances, all your hurt, just slowly, deliberately acknowledge and articulate what your truth is. I think in many ways that's one of the attributes of our practice. It's like slowing down so you can actually speak your truth. Slowing down. That as you speak it, you hear yourself speak. You hear the significance, the gravitas, the gravity.

[18:18]

And you learn from it. And then you listen to another person and you hear another version of reality. And then internally, can we hear another version of reality when something other than our kindness is operative? No? It's one thing to remember and to be warmed and reassured by moments when we feel we had the good fortune. to be the recipients of kindness. When I left my homeland, I didn't feel homesick. When I left that neighborhood of Tokyo, I felt homesick.

[19:19]

I thought, oh, because I traveled a lot when I was young. And I thought the people who seemed to be most prone to being homesick are the Japanese. It occurred to me, hmm, I think I get some of that now, why that would be so. And I don't mean to say the Japanese are the only nation in the world that's kind. I would say in my travels, I ran, I had the good fortune to meet wonderful people everywhere. Even the guy in Istanbul, who when I asked him if it was okay to go into the main market, he said, yes, it's fine, just carry a knife. And if someone tries to rob you, just stab him in the thigh.

[20:29]

You won't do real harm, but you'll just deter him. I never put that advice into action. Naomi wrote this poem. She was on her honeymoon in Columbia. and they were taking a bus from somewhere to somewhere. I can't remember the details. And the bus was stopped, and everybody on the bus was robbed. And they were left with, literally, the clothes on their backs. And then the bus arrived, and then the robbers took everything, and they all got back on the bus, went to the next little town. And in that town, the people took care of her and her new husband and fed them, gave them a place to stay, contacted the American consulate.

[21:42]

And sitting in the town square that night, Naomi wrote this poem. How interesting that rather than rant about what a lawless country Colombia was or how the world's filled with nasty people, her mind turned to some marvelous attribute of the human condition. And 20 or 25 years later, this poem is the most quoted poem in the United States, at least last year.

[22:56]

Maybe for each one of us, our own experience is our best teacher Can we slow down and listen carefully to the teachings it's giving us? Can we hear them and let them reconcile? Can we hear them in a way that doesn't try to say, well, I've just got to do that all the time and never ever do that. But can we hear them in a way they weave together, they integrate the wholeness of human life. Can the different emotions we have, the ones that are expansive and courageous, and the ones that are contracted and frightened, can we reconcile?

[23:58]

Can your contraction teach you compassion, patience? Can it help you savor and appreciate your courage and your expansion? Rather than... feel obliged to denial, avoidance, shame? Can the reassurance of your kindness create a foundation for you to open and deeply understand the functioning of your own contraction, the functioning of your own reactiveness.

[25:12]

Usually, our contraction and our sense of danger and vulnerability are interwoven. And our sense of danger and vulnerability inclines us towards a kind of reactiveness. Before you even know what you're thinking and feeling, react. And sometimes we grasp that as if it's a precious jewel. Oh, this is the wisdom of life. And the great sages in their teachings tell us not exactly what It's not a great evil, but it's not a precious jewel.

[26:18]

It's an opportunity. It's an opportunity to learn something about reconciliation, to learn something about equanimity, and to learn something about what exactly goes on when we're often reactive states. And so here's Naomi's admonitions. Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. All this must go. So you know how desolate the landscape can be the regions of kindness. Now, that to my mind is a fierce teaching.

[27:22]

Maybe a heavenly messenger, but maybe one we'd rather hear from later rather than sooner. Of course, We don't want to open up. Of course, we don't want to feel the full extent of our contractions, our fearfulness, how it coagulates into resentment, ill will. But to know something about that, that even in the midst of that temporary expression, there is something in us that quite literally loves the virtue of kindness.

[28:31]

And part of the fierce teaching is The absence of it teaches us about the virtue of it. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel to where the Indian in the white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you. We're in this together. Our welfare is woven together. It's not just a beautiful, spiritual, philosophical statement. Our lives are interwoven. Think about your close and significant relationships.

[29:53]

How they delight you, disappoint you, enthrall you, frustrate you. We care about each other. Sometimes that turns into love. Sometimes that turns into hate. But we care. Either way, this is what we're made of. And when we let ourselves feel it, know it, the wisdom of connectedness and the involvement in it shines through. Before you know sorrow as the deepest thing inside, before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

[30:59]

Speak it until it fills your voice and catches the thread of all sorrows. And who doesn't know sorrow? Who hasn't cause for sadness? Someone said to me recently, speaking about a family member, they said he's OD'd twice in the last four days. And if he can only not use for four days we can give him this drug that will stop the opioids from harming him. But he doesn't seem to be able to not use for four days.

[32:05]

Part of the world we live in. then it's only kindness that makes sense anymore. It's only kindness that ties your shoes, sends you out into the day to buy bread. Only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say, it's you I've been looking for. And then goes with you everywhere, like a shadow or a friend So maybe right now, with kindness, to notice what's rattling around inside of you.

[33:21]

Where else would the teacher be? The interesting thing about the path of practice, we do receive a great gift. of wisdom and compassion from the sages that have gone before. And we do receive the admonitions, the teachings they have offered. And right along with that great gift, the challenge is for each one of us to discover in our own being, in our own behaviors, in our own relationships, how to touch that within our own being, and how to live that. And I would suggest to you this notion that carries over from mediation of slow things done.

[34:31]

It's an interesting... functioning of our being you know that when something becomes heartfelt for us and mindful for us that it tends to slow us down you know and that the heartfulness the gravitas of our own being speaks to us And often it's not complicated messages. It's more adding depth to what you already know. It's like, oh yeah, yes, that. I know that.

[35:38]

I forget it. but I know it. So asking ourselves, maybe in relationship to kindness, what helps you know it, acknowledge it? What helps you feel the gravity of it? What helps you engage it fully? Are you like me? Some fond memories float up. And how does that integrate with the other aspects of your being? What sort of things, what sort of experiences stimulate your reactiveness or contraction? And can that part of you be the recipient of your kindness?

[36:48]

Yeah. And sometimes to learn that, we need to be the recipient of others' kindness. Sometimes to learn that, we need to give kindness to others. That's easier for us than giving it to ourselves. Yeah. So that discovery, that way in which the theme of practice, the admonition, the gift of practice is flowing through the intrigues of our life. Hmm. What is this teaching me? What is this way of holding this emotional... of my being. What helps us rather than just let that link into our psychological patterns the narratives that we've become accustomed to what helps it to turn to turn those patterns and let us see something else.

[38:11]

Oh. Insights arise when we sort of don't fall into and become absorbed in the usual patterns. When we don't fall into the usual patterns and sort of pick up the mythology of those patterns. Something else is possible. Some other way of relating. Some other way of apprehending what's going on within us. And we have an insight. We see, we have some glimpse of the teachings that we already know. It's not a matter of knowing more teachings. It's a matter of connecting thoroughly to the teachings you already know and letting them, as Naomi says in her poem, letting them resonate, letting them become

[39:16]

a doorway into the profundity of our lives. And to end, I'd like to read a poem quite strange. It's called Revenge. But I think when I read the second verse, you'll get it. It's written by a Palestinian poet. He said, at times I wish I could meet in a duel the man who killed my father and raised our home, expelling me into a narrow country. And if he killed me, I'd rest at last. And if I were ready, I would take my revenge. But if it came to light when my rival appeared that he had a mother waiting for him, or a father, who put his right hand over the heart's place in his chest whenever his son was late, even for just a quarter hour for the meeting that they'd set out, then I wouldn't kill him, even if I could.

[40:37]

There is within us a goodness Doesn't mean there aren't other things. But in a strange way that maybe we'll never actually figure out together they teach us how to practice. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge And this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we all fully enjoy the Dharma.

[41:34]

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