Good morning. I'd like to welcome you to Green Gulch, especially if this is the first time you've been here. I must say that when I give lecture and I do the three bows before the altar at the beginning of lecture, I wonder, I wonder how it is for someone who's never been here before and who is unfamiliar with our forms and practices. And I hope that you will have some open-heartedness to understand or be interested in or curious about those forms. This morning in particular for a variety of reasons, one being that I'm feeling a little old and crotchety this morning for some reason. Before I came to the Zen Do, I wondered, can I even do the three bows? At the yogic level, it was a very serious question in terms of actual physical capacity.

[01:14]

I would like to, as a way of reminding myself and saying a few words about what this bowing before the altar business is about, to say what it is in my understanding. This figure which is sitting on the altar is the figure Manjusri, that representation of wisdom, that wisdom which in fact exists in each of us. And so, what I hope I can do is to touch or awaken some wisdom that arises not just in myself but in the midst of our being together in this room for the next little while. I'd also like to say a few words about my particular circumstances so that you have some sense about the experiences, recent experiences, which inform what I want to

[02:17]

talk about this morning. I seem for some reason to be spending time more than has been true for a while with people who are very sick and who are dying. That has been particularly true in the last few weeks and months. And so, what I notice once again is the way, the fact of being with people who are in that part of the living process called dying, how that informs my own life again. How being with people who are meeting fear, anger, pain, anxiety, whatever it is that arises as they meet their own dying process, I'm watching and learning from people as

[03:18]

we go through this process together. And I'm continually amazed at our capacity to transform whatever experience arises, whatever feelings or thoughts, whatever patterns, how much we have the opportunity to change for the benefit of all beings, including ourselves. One of the questions that has come up repeatedly in the last few weeks as I've spent time with people who have had a cancer diagnosed, have gone into remission, and then had the cancer reemerge in some other part of their body. And what happens for people under those circumstances when you have this sense of not having any idea of whether you're well or not, and how long you will live, a condition which is

[04:20]

actually one we all share, but we choose not to tell ourselves that that's the case, usually. And I think there is a way, when one has been sick, that this circumstance, this condition of the impermanence of our lives, and the inevitability of our dying, comes up with a particular kind of heat. And co-mingled with this experience of being with people who are sick and dying is the experience of spring bursting on us, going for walks in the hills, and every few days seeing new flowers showing, this incredible sky, blue sky, the quality of the garden here at Green Gulch waking up, which it surely is doing. Thank you. We are beginning today a seven-week practice period in the garden led by Wendy Johnson.

[05:29]

I think that for any of us who have been fortunate enough to spend time in the garden, and in particular to spend time in the garden with Wendy, one of the things that we discover is how much the garden is about seeing things as they are. There is a kind of essential or basic quality to our experience, weeding, composting, pruning, planting seeds and watching them grow, taking care of a row of apple trees, which we've now lived with for a few years, watching the cycles of birth and death in the way that they show themselves in the garden. One of the things that I've been thinking about lately, and that I want to bring up for us to look at a little bit this morning, has to do with our habits and our attitudes,

[06:36]

especially with ourselves, those habits and attitudes which we don't like very much, those habits and attitudes that we feel ashamed of or uncomfortable with or wish we could change. I think one of the things that happens in the garden is that we have a chance to touch direct experience and begin to notice the difference between direct experience and naming. The same thing, the same opportunity, of course, occurs if we're doing meditation, Zazen meditation in particular, the kind of sitting meditation which is the core of our practice life here at Zen Center as Zen practitioners. To have the experience of sound or taste or touch or smell, and to notice that the direct

[07:41]

experience is not the same as red wing, black bird, sweetness of sugar, whatever. That the naming, the concept that we associate with the direct experience is not the same as the experience itself. And that there are certain things that arise, certain patterns of behavior, certain feelings and thoughts which arise within us which we shy away from because of all of the concepts and the naming that we associate with those sensations, feelings, thoughts as they arise. So being able to see that there is a difference between the direct experience and the way we describe it to ourselves can be a very important step towards liberating ourselves

[08:42]

from certain negative habits. For myself, spending time in the garden has been one of the circumstances for my being able to notice this difference. What happens when I'm weeding in a bed? How quickly I have some running description about what it is I'm doing. If I'm working with another person, how am I doing compared to how they're doing? That sort of stuff we get into. In general, I think we do fine in the conversations we have with ourselves about ourselves and others until we run into something unpleasant, until we run into something about which we have some fear, something we don't like. And that's when we begin to have some trouble. So it's that particular area of our lives I'd like to look at for a few minutes with

[09:46]

you this morning. Earlier this week, I read this quotation on a friend's kitchen wall, and it has been cooking in me all week. If you bring forth what was within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what was within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. This is a quote from Jesus from the Gospel of St. Thomas, and it strikes me, particularly because I think it's a true statement. It certainly fits my experience. When I am not honest, when I am not telling myself the truth about what is within me, and not able to bring forth whatever it is in some way that is friendly, interested,

[10:56]

open-hearted, if I try to pretend to be a certain way when I genuinely am not, then that's when I'm in trouble. And I think, not just in my own experience, but in the experience I've had with people that I've been close to and have watched, it seems to me that this point that Jesus was making in this particular comment may be applicable to more than just myself. One of the things that is resonated for me in reading this quote comes up out of some practices that I've done, particularly with respect to language. For those of you who have heard me talk before, you know that I am quite interested in the language that we use, which is conducive to a judging mind, and the language which

[12:05]

is conducive to dropping that judging voice, which is habitual and unconscious. I'm not talking about those judgments which we make with some consciousness or attention and intention, but the judgments that we make that are part of our scenery, that are so familiar we don't even hear what we're saying. Oh, I can't do that. I'm a person who can't do such and such. It's a kind of judgment, maybe a judgment and a vow. The kind of judging voice that keeps me involved with how am I doing? Am I doing all right? Oh, I'm such a bad meditator, or I'm such a bad parent, or whatever. And in particular, one of the areas of language that I've been interested in for a while is the language of comparison, which I think is a category of judgment.

[13:06]

So what happens if I decide to do a practice where I want to cultivate my capacity for descriptive language as an alternative to comparative or judging language? In the beginning, if I'm lucky, this was actually my experience when I first started doing this practice of dropping comparative language, what I noticed was that my ability to work with myself depended on my being willing to use comparative language and to notice that. If that was in fact what was happening, that was the place where I was standing, so to speak. And I couldn't start anywhere else. I couldn't start at the place on the path which is not using comparative language. I have to begin where I am. So on the path that I call dropping comparative language is that position which is using comparative language.

[14:20]

Am I willing to notice what I'm doing when I notice it? An hour later, a week later, oh, in that conversation I had with my husband yesterday, I used some comparative language. How interesting. Is there a way I could have said what I was saying using descriptive language? That quality of friendly, interested investigation of things as they are. It's particularly difficult, I notice, in working with the arising of intense negative emotions. Can I work with dropping anger or at least not harboring anger, not harboring ill will? My experience is that the only way I can do that is if I'm willing to notice the times

[15:27]

when I'm in fact harboring ill will. Because that's, of course, the very rich area of my experience where there is some work I might do. There are some things going on. Can I allow myself to be interested in whatever it is, even if I don't like it very much? Am I willing to cultivate that kind of open-minded, friendly interest in things as they are, in myself and in other people, particularly in these situations which leave me feeling unhappy or frustrated or angry or whatever, frightened? We have a number of opportunities for practicing this way of being with ourselves.

[16:30]

In the most radical sense, Zazen, Zen sitting meditation, is such an opportunity to sit with some intention to sit with a straight back, to sit with some intention to allow my attention to go to each inhalation and exhalation as it is. But what happens when I notice that I'm a little crooked, that my posture has slumped, that I probably have fallen asleep, or to realize that I've been sitting on my cushion for some while and I've been thinking, that my attention has wandered to thoughts or to the physical discomfort in my knee? Am I willing to hang out with, be interested in, notice the detail of what's happening in those moments?

[17:35]

Do I have some idea about the kind of breath that's a good breath that I'm willing to follow? And, for example, I think for many of us we think, Oh, well, if my breathing is slow and deep, then I'm doing good breathing. But what happens if suddenly I have a breath that comes, which is short, which is high up in my chest, which feels rough? Am I unwilling to pay attention to that breath because it doesn't fall into the category of good breaths? So, in sitting, I can practice a willingness to be attentive to the detail of posture and breath in each moment. Each breath, each inhalation and each exhalation being unique and particular.

[18:41]

Not so difficult if I have a period of meditation where I feel somewhat settled and calm. Much more difficult if I find myself feeling agitated or restless, or I have some tension or tightness or holding in my back so that I feel physically uncomfortable. Am I willing to be present with the full range of what occurs moment after moment? Sometimes when, especially at this time of year, when we sit together here in the Zen Dojo, we hear sounds. I've been watching birds for a few years, and I notice I hear a bird sound. I hear a sound, and immediately I notice it's a bird sound.

[19:53]

What bird is it? Is it a red-winged blackbird? Is it a rentit? I'm miles away from the direct experience of the sound. So, sitting here in this room, when there are these sounds, can I just stay present with them? Particularly, can I stay present when there are sounds which immediately I describe as inconsiderate people standing outside the doorway, talking? Don't they know we're in here doing our practices? Such an opportunity to pay attention to the detail of what is arising in my mind and in my body. Practicing in the ways that I'm suggesting are ways of cultivating equanimity, calmness.

[21:03]

The trouble with taking that on as a quality one wishes to cultivate is that we may superimpose it on ourselves. We may walk around looking very calm, and inside we may be boiling. Fortunately, we often aren't very good at fooling others, which is where friendship and fellowship in practicing can be very helpful. But sometimes we do a somewhat better job of fooling ourselves, and we don't have to. We can, in fact, pay attention to the fact that the path that we're on includes whatever arises, and that it all can be grist for the mill. That, in fact, a very rich area of our lives is in those experiences about which we have some discomfort, some unhappiness, some wishing that we were different.

[22:16]

Some opportunity to have the intention to change those habits which are harmful to ourselves and to others. And what I want to suggest is that we include the activity which leaves us with those feelings as being also on the path. Genuine loving-kindness is clear-sighted, is a conscious acceptance of things. But that certainly does not mean just sitting in the room with the furniture one sees, unwilling to transform or turn whatever one can transform or turn. And includes being able to see things as they are, pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral.

[23:19]

Last Sunday afternoon, some of us spent some hours together talking about compulsive caregiving and the Bodhisattva vow. We had a very lively and, for some of us anyway, I think, quite useful conversation together. A friend of mine described one of the things that we talked about Sunday in that conversation, where I am now as being on the path. And I think that's what that quote from Jesus is about, being able to include where I am now as being on the path. And to bring where I am now forth, not to try to hide or deny or turn away from where I am now. For those of us who are deeply uncomfortable with where I am now, there are various practices generally described as loving-kindness practices in the Buddhist tradition.

[24:41]

One that I have mentioned before is a self-forgiveness meditation, which is a particular loving-kindness meditation. What I'd like to read to you now is a loving-kindness meditation which comes from the Buddha, from the Discourse on the Practice of Loving-Kindness. And go through it together with this intention of where I am now is on the path and is part of what I can direct my loving-kindness, cultivation of loving-kindness, toward and with. May all beings be happy, whatever their living nature, whether weak or strong, omitting none, whether long or large, middle-sized or short, fine or coarse.

[25:58]

Those which can be seen and those which cannot, those that are near and those that are far, those already born and those that are to be. May all beings be happy. Let none another deceive nor despise anyone on any grounds, nor with anger or thoughts of hate let beings ever wish one another harm. Just as a mother will give her life to protect her one and only child, just so towards all beings should one boundlessly open one's mind. With loving-kindness towards the whole world, should one boundlessly open one's mind, above, below and all around, free from narrowness, ill-will or hate.

[27:10]

The teachings of the Buddha suggest that a practice in cultivating loving-kindness must begin with oneself. And that the consequence of this cultivation of loving-kindness with oneself, where I am now on the path, has the consequence of extending with ease to all beings, to everything that one comes in contact with. Not something to superimpose upon one's life, but a quality which can arise as a consequence of cultivating this way of being with oneself and consequently with others. I think I've said before, but I'd like to say again because I think it's relevant.

[28:15]

I have a kind of working hypothesis these days that we're all corruptible. And I certainly include myself. What I notice in holding this sort of working hypothesis is that those people that I see around me who know that they're corruptible seem to stay out of trouble. They seem to be inclined to cultivate ways of keeping themselves from acting on those capacities. So the corruptibility may be present but not acted on. And in fact, some antidote may allow the cultivation of other capacities which may be more forthcoming.

[29:19]

And what I notice is that when we get into trouble is when we come to believe that we're not corruptible. When we take this attitude of, oh no, I wouldn't do that. Therein lies the seeds of self-deception, of not telling ourselves the truth of how things are. And what strikes me as deeply sad when I think of this quote from Jesus, I think of a particular friend of mine who tried very hard to be a person that he wasn't. And to hide the person that he actually was, to know that we can be the people we want to be, live our lives the way we want to be, but we can't do it unless we are in touch with who and how we actually are.

[30:26]

Practicing with ourselves in this way takes patience. I think it helps a lot to have some company, to keep each other company. And depends upon our having some, again maybe, a working hypothesis that we will trust ourselves. And if I discover that there is some area in my life where I don't trust myself, I can actually trust myself in noting that as well. Here's an area where I want to keep an eye on myself. Do I have the capacity to do that? Am I willing to pick that up, whatever it may be? I'd like us to make some banners and fly them from our rooftops that say,

[31:36]

where I am now is on the path. Not with any feeling of where I am now is where I'm going to stay, damn it, and I'm not going to move. Some sense that this is where my foot is on the ground, and then I will pick up the other foot and place it on the ground. But to be encouraged when we can notice some particularly disagreeable quality in ourselves or in others, as more grist for the mill. If you bring forth what was within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what was within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. Thank you very much.

[32:43]

May our intention

[32:49]

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