Good morning. And welcome, especially to those of you who are here for the first time. Recently, a student asked me, what should you do now? And what he's referring to, he's been here quite a while, many years, in fact, and actually spent many years at Tassahara, our Zen monastery, and feeling like something's amiss, something's not working in some ways, not as naive as this isn't what he expected would happen, or what he was expecting would happen isn't happening, but more that there was something persistently unresolved, unsettled in him?

[01:04]

And what should he do? So I said to him, try on these questions. If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do? What decisions do you need to make that you keep putting off? What burdens does it feel like you just can't let go of? And what are you grieving? Who are the friends that you've lost? The other night at dinner, someone said to me, when I finished, I studied engineering at college, and then I worked as an engineer, and they said to me, well then, how did you get from engineering to this?

[02:13]

And I said, my mother died. It's like, there are pivotal events, there are pivotal moments, there are potent experiences that cause a certain kind of stopping or recalibration in our lives. And often they arise in relationship to a loss or a dramatic shift. You get fired. Someone was describing to me yesterday how her boyfriend was fired. He'd worked for a company for several years. At 4 o'clock on a Friday, he was called into his boss's office. He was told he was being laid off.

[03:16]

By 4.15, he was out of the office. By 4.30, he had cleared his desk. And by 4.45, he was out of the building. And we were both lamenting how much that defies the humanness of our being, the need to say goodbye, the need to draw something to conclusion, to let it have its own time, the need to take stock of what's just happened and move on to the next thing. That in the wisdom of our human lives, this is what helps us make that recalibration. Okay, where am I now, and what's next?

[04:18]

Sometimes it's force of circumstances. Sometimes it's like this student, in a strange and sometimes frustrating way, it's the product of our diligent efforts. We are expressing ourselves to the best of our ability and still. I was recently reading a Buddhist text, 1500 years old, a Chinese manuscript on the development of consciousness through meditation. and it has a six-fold step to it. Actually, it has six times six steps to it. And they're wonderfully linear. One, two, three, and you read it and you think, yeah, that all makes sense. You start, you settle, settle a little more, then you're settled.

[05:26]

then you contemplate, then you illuminate, and then you purify. Okay. Got it. But then you have to do that with the human life you're living. How do you do that when on a Friday afternoon within a span of 45 minutes? your social world changes, your mode of employment and remuneration change, maybe your self-worth, how you're going to function within the world, all change. And then another student came to me

[06:30]

and said, well, a couple of years ago, I dug a deep hole in my life. I don't want to say the details because that would betray a confidence. I dug a deep hole and then spent the whole of a year climbing out of that hole. bringing things back to a level of functionality. And now I want to start over. I want to pause. I want to ask as deeply as I can. What's next? What makes sense? How do I move forward from here? There's a wonderful, wise person, Angelus Ariane, who, primarily an anthropologist, but that has matured into being a teacher.

[07:52]

What she did was she studied as best she could, across the globe, the wisdom traditions. And then she cross-referenced them, looking for the commonalities. And what are the common teachings that you find in Borneo, in Britain, and in Boston, when you look at the wisdom traditions? And in this question of taking stock, you know, how are you pausing in the middle of your life? Here's a list of questions she came up with. What will you remember most? What will you miss most? What will you not miss? What do you need to complete?

[08:53]

What are you most proud of? What do you regret? What were you most surprised by? What were you most opened by? What were you most challenged by? What were you most moved by? What were you most softened by? What were you most inspired by? What were you most deepened by? What did you learn about love? There's something about stepping back from our intrigue with the content and what the content and the particulars and the details have aroused for us. Something about seeing the bigger picture and seeing the workings of our own humanity.

[10:05]

And not just our own humanity in the broadest sense, but in the particular sense. What will you miss and what will you not miss? Where did you get stuck and where did you feel you opened? What are you grateful for and what do you need to let go of? More attending to process of the workings of who you are. In some ways you could say that our practice, the practice of awareness, the practice of allowing awareness to illuminate our fundamental being, the activity of being the person we are in the life, in the relationships that we are living on a momentary basis, and as I'm talking this morning on this bigger picture. in this wider sense. What you might call the phenomenal aspects of the moment.

[11:16]

In this moment, what is seen, what is heard, what is tasted, what is physically felt? In this moment, what thoughts, what feelings, what memories, what anticipations? in this moment, in the course of a human life, this human life, that I so fondly and perplexingly call my human life. Where am I at? And not to say that these three fit into neat separate categories. They are interwoven, and they support each other. But in another way, they're quite distinct. And maybe perplexingly, or maybe beautifully, Zazen is to sit down and allow any or all of them to come forth.

[12:30]

It's like this beautiful trust in the process of our being. Whatever comes forth is what's urgent, is what's significant in your life at this moment. And can it be met with awareness? When I said that first question to the person who was mentioning how they were stuck, What would you do if you thought you couldn't feel? Their face softened and their eyes lit up. As if to say, well, that's one heck of a proposition. You know, I never thought of it that way. Not even to say that the previous way of thinking was incorrect.

[13:37]

But sometimes, when there's only one approach being put forth, when there's only one way we're seeing the situation, we get a limited picture. The possibilities are narrow. Success or failure. I keep trying like this, and either I succeed or I fail. When the person who came to me is saying, well, I've dug this hole, and now what? So we made up a little scheme. Actually, mostly it was my doing.

[14:41]

And in some ways, it was taking all three. Because there's something about the momentary experiencing of phenomena. In the world of Zen, we call it dropping the self. How about you just take a break from who you think you are, what you think your life is, and the ingrained, habitual ways of thinking and feeling you have about it. This is an enormous challenge. And the formidable nature of practices, even if you do it, even if you can accomplish it in a seated posture, doesn't mean you can step up and walk into your life and stay in that innocence, in that not knowing, in that availability, or as this temple's called, in that beginner's mind.

[15:59]

It's not that simple proposition. Now, that dropping off can influence how we enter the world. But the second kind of stopping are pausing. Pausing in the middle. This is where mindfulness in daily life becomes relevant. It's a way where we integrate the pausing we experience in Zazen. And as we bring that pausing, as we bring that into our life, It illuminates, it makes more evident the patterns of responses, the background chatter as we're doing the foreground activity. The anticipatory attitudes or moods or assumptions that we bring to a person, to our work environment, to our home.

[17:09]

to our primary relationship. So pausing in the midst of activity, of that momentary involvement in our lives. So both these, in a way we could say, are crucial elements of our practice. But also, cultivating this big picture. It helps to create a spacious mind. And to illustrate this very point, I'll read a poem by the new poet laureate, Merlin. who, by the way, said, just don't say, don't say I'm a Zen poet.

[18:19]

Personally, I thought that was a true sign that he was. It appears now that there's only one age and it knows nothing of age. As the birds flying know nothing of the air that they fly through, or the day that bears them up through themselves. That mysterious way in which we're in the midst of living the person we are, but some way it's not so evident. And then in some ways it's beyond the the stories, the understandings we have about it. Our Rumi talks about it like this.

[19:19]

Keep walking, though there's no place to get to. That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move. The way that fear makes you move. Don't move the way that fear makes you move. Though there's no place to get to, keep walking. Let yourself be silently drawn by a stronger pull of what you truly love. as I was listening to this person, describe to me, and somewhat painfully for them, how after their years of diligent practice, they felt stuck.

[20:31]

It's a deep way in which they feel like they failed. They came, they made a dedicated, consistent effort, and Something hasn't blossomed, opened up, eased. And this is one of the aspects of how life presents itself. Engaging with sincerity and dedication is a dangerous proposition. You might not get what you want. And sometimes we hold back.

[21:38]

Okay, well, if that's a proposition, I will reserve my effort until it looks like success is more likely. I won't commit everything to this, because it might not work. Even within our Zazen, we have a struggle committing everything to the moment. This is one of the fundamental requests of Zazen. When you're sitting, commit completely to what's happening. Don't spin off into memory or anticipation. Don't drift away. in distraction and lose connection to what's happening?

[22:43]

And then what's the equivalent within the context of our life? You know, there's a personal inquiry for each one of us to discover how we Lay out that territory. And what's the topography of that territory? And what's the skillful response? So as I laid out what I thought was a skillful response to both these folks, here's what I said, something like this. Work on the basics.

[23:44]

Keep coming back to your cushion. Keep coming back to the yogic practice of just being. expect it to be one, two, three, four, five, six. Because most of us are way too complex to be that straightforward. And most of us have too much unfinished business. But welcome your unfinished business. Because now, you have another chance, another opportunity to relate to it. And relate to it in a kind of subterranean way.

[24:49]

Relate to it as a psychosomatic process. As the twinges and tightnesses and sensations in your body come forth experience them, like wordless messages about how your life is going, about what your life has become, about the physical somatic representation me takes. Not something to figure out with your mind, but something to experience, to breathe into. to breathe out of, to discover in that process, what is spaciousness? What is ease? What is it to let the natural energy of your being flow? What is uprightness?

[25:50]

As Merwin says, you know, It's not something we know. It's something we can live. And this is one of the beauties, literally, the beauties of Zenzen, the beauties of practice, this kind of wordless involvement in our being. Because it so wonderfully sets the stage as the words, as the images, as the understandings, as the memories, as the anticipations come forth. they become more self-evident. And then as they come forth, can they be messages from beyond? Or as Suzuki Roshi said in one of his talks, he said, they're like letters from emptiness. Messages about who you are coming from beyond who you think you are.

[27:11]

You know, this way in which, as we live our life preoccupied with our story about our life, other messages get lost. You know? As we insist, I'm such and such a person, or this can only happen this way or that way. something about that wordless, thoughtless experience of being. In Buddhist terminology, it's called shamatha, sometimes translated as stopping. The energy going into the thought process, into the reconceptualizing of our being, is paused, is stopped. And then, in the pausing in activity, samadhi, continuous contact.

[28:30]

Just try to stay with the flow of thoughts and feelings throughout the day. Noticing, acknowledging, experiencing. And sometimes this can be enhanced by deliberate pausing. Pausing before you enter your door to enter your apartment or home. What is it you're entering? Is this your refuge from the world? Is this the place where your deeper suffering happens? Is this where you receive your nourishment? Is this where you have formidable obligations? The world below the world as we say it is.

[29:33]

Pausing before you turn on your car engine, before you turn the ignition on. Where are you going? And with what state of mind and heart do you set forth? Are you already late and do you need to rush? Is the journey important or is only the destination relevant? Will wonderful things happen there when you get there or will there be more burdens and afflictions facing you? Pausing when you meet someone. Can they be a new person? Or will you insist that they are who you think they are and bring to it the assumptions and attitudes you have about them?

[30:41]

So this kind of pausing too. Noticing, acknowledging. There's something in letting it register. Oh, I'm looking forward to being with that person. Oh, I'm apprehensive about having to talk to that person. Oh, I'm apprehensive about having to talk to that person and I keep not making that phone call. Before you move to judging yourself for that, can you just notice the play of how it comes into being? Can it tell you what the skillful response is rather than you immediately layer upon it whatever you habitually layer upon it?

[31:54]

Self-criticism, justification, denial, No, no, no. I could make that call real easily. I'm just too busy. In that pausing, something in us starts to get in touch with a layer below what you might call our more common consciousness. And then this pausing in the bigger picture. As Angelus Ariane says, what inspires you? Inspiration is a very interesting process. It's different from what do you think you need to be thinking about to be a good person.

[32:59]

things do you need to contemplate because they're wise? Where do you find inspiration? Maybe you find inspiration walking in the park, reading poetry, lying on your sofa listening to some jazz. Why should inspiration come in some tidy, predictable way? And can you trust the workings of your own being that your exploration can be free form and wide? And then what about these questions? I would say the challenge for us is to feel the alchemy of the questions.

[34:18]

Does something in us soften, become curious, feel enlivened? Hmm. What would I do if I thought I couldn't feel? Hmm. Hmm. That's an interesting question. And in the last week, what have I felt most opened by, most challenged by, most softened by, most surprised by? It's like shifting our focus from particular to content to process. How did it influence my state of being? As we move into those kinds of questions, success and failure has nowhere to take hold.

[35:25]

And even starting to entertain the questions intellectually, moves us in that direction. And in significant ways, this is part of the process of Zen koans. A Zen koan is not, here's the question, what's the answer? It's more like, what inspires you? Coming into closer and fuller relationship with yourself something is seen, recognized. And in the recognition is allowed to assert its influence. It's almost like getting out of your way to become the way. Like getting out of your way to become more of who you are.

[36:31]

So the mind, rather than simply being a pattern of neurotic mental habits, becomes more of a fluid ally, more of an imaginative engagement, more of a curious exploration. How does this kind of deeper pause happen? Does it happen when your mother dies? Does it happen four o'clock on a Friday when you get called into your boss's office and get fired? It's a big challenge in those circumstances. Usually when you get fired, you're kind of shocked, numbed, disgraced.

[37:42]

Often we turn these things inward. was a better person, I wouldn't have been fired. Often we hold firmly to that whether or not it's really relevant. And even if it is true, can we hold a bigger picture? So what? You weren't so great at that. Doesn't mean there aren't other things that you're great at. There's a beautiful poem by Naomi Shihabnaya where she talks about famous and she ends up saying, and I want to be famous for the woman who always smiled back.

[38:42]

How about that? for a sterling ambition. A mark of success. So to my mind, it works something like this. The more we enter the moment as an unknown territory, as a place of discovery and renewal, the more we start to trust the process, unless we determinedly or desperately grasp at a success, however our mind and heart conjure it up. And the more we trust the process, the more the particulars of it become apparent to us and become useful to us.

[39:57]

Noticing how we're inspired. Noticing our notion of success. Noticing how we're softened. How we're opened. How we're motivated. how we're discouraged. Noticing how much we care all the time, at least most of the time. Things that happen to us, around us, matter to us most. They influence us. Keep walking, though there's no place to get. Don't try to see through the distances.

[41:00]

That's not for human beings. Move within, but don't move the way that fear makes you move. I have lived on the lip of insanity. wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens, and I've been knocking on it from the inside. Thank you.

[41:35]

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