This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. I was hoping when I looked it would be 11 o'clock. Some of us have been sitting for three weeks. We are having a silent retreat. And in this silent retreat, I've been blabbing away almost every day. So there's kind of this combination for me personally of

[01:07]

sitting a lot more than I usually sit and also talking at the same time. Today, anyway, I feel very tender and tired, tender and tired. Titi, Tia's Tender Tiredness. The Tender Tiredness of Tia. That's my name, Tia. So, you know, it really is true, you know, all these words are just a, sometimes it's a pointing, you know, sometimes just take from whatever it was that I said and, you know, use what you is helpful and the rest of it, toss away.

[02:11]

So in this retreat, three-week retreat, we kept a silence for three weeks in the building. And that's why the public hasn't come to meals. It's been quiet in the building. And I think we did a very good job of building and then maintaining that container, for which I thank all of the people in the retreat, the people who came for Sashin, the people who who didn't come to meals, thank you very much for being patient with that. In a very real way, I think, if you're really looking, if you're really settled in the present moment, you can tell, you can feel, I'm actually asking you, those of you who did the retreat and maybe those of you who didn't, if you really notice between three weeks ago so-called and today, we were only ever now.

[03:39]

At every moment along the way, that was the only thing that was happening. So right now, if If you notice, if you look, the past, so-called past, is here, without question. There is this apparent arrow of time that we learned about. There does seem to be some kind of change. We got older, three weeks worth. But that so-called past that is right now only a memory, it does not exist, is here right now. And whatever so-called future we imagine as we begin transitioning from retreat to so-called normal life, real life they call it,

[04:49]

doesn't exist. It isn't happening. The future is nowhere to be seen. We have only ever in this entire so-called three weeks we have only ever been present. That's it. And then present again. That is all that is ever happening. Nothing actually is happening. There is only ever just this and then this and then this. And in our study of Dogen, he accepts, he confirms, he acknowledges that there is this apparent

[05:53]

changing, linear, seeming movement of time. And in our usual way of thinking about it, we think it's separate from us and moving along, flowing. He acknowledges this. But he also makes it pretty, his argument or his way of talking about it maybe, makes it, I think, clear that that along with that apparent change that we assume, that we take for granted, is eternity on every moment. Only this right now. And that's what we've been studying.

[06:59]

And in that kind of silence, which is the reason we sit, so that we can remember this silent stillness that is at the bottom of our lives. and somehow learn to learn to learn to open to that. Learn to just acknowledge that that's there all the time. Underneath our speeding, you know, buzzy, bumbling, busy lives, there is always this stillness that is actually more real more true, more there in this groundless kind of empty way than anything else, which is only simply fleeting by.

[08:15]

This stillness is more real than the fleeting emotions that pass through. This stillness is more true than the fleeting thoughts. that pass through, than the sensations that are changing constantly as a body. All of that is just arising and dissolving back into this fundamental stillness, this timeless, groundless, eternal moment. So now we have to, as we end our retreat, we have to let go. And in our lives, this is a very good practice to kind of chuck underneath your arm and always keep it with you.

[09:24]

This kind of constantly releasing our hands from grabbing on to these fleeting, Emotion, thought, sensation, heaps, aggregates that we claim as a me. So we're going to let go of our retreat. We're going to let it dissolve like everything else. gone a memory, a wisp of thought. And go back to what we call our normal lives, that people call real life, right? Real life. So for people who are in the retreat, I would suggest that you

[10:31]

Pay attention to this transition time because like me, I think you're probably tender and open and more than usual maybe. So take care of yourself. Make sure that you have support that you need. Make sure that you take it easy. Don't go too fast, too soon if you can help it. Don't hang on to anything either, but just walk with paying attention to your tenderness. A number of years ago now, many years ago now, I guess, I left living and working at Zen Center, and I became a layperson, we say.

[11:34]

like you guys. Which means that I had a job and I worked. I was a worker. I was a high school teacher. And now I teach in Brooklyn. And I found out how difficult actually maintaining a practice as a lay person really is. So I have a lot more humility in my teaching about hoping that people maintain a practice because it's really hard. It's very difficult. I have a lot of respect now for people who are in the workaday world who are maintaining a really serious practice, which if you are interested in this kind of path, you need to be serious about it. So I suggest that if you can, that's the understanding part.

[12:44]

I say, if you can now, instead of just saying that you should. You know, maintain a daily sitting practice. You're different. I'm different. If I sit or don't sit. So try to maintain a daily sitting practice. If you can, at the same time every day. That's most effective. As part of a routine, just put it in your routine. And then the most important part is, whether you sit or not, the most important part is to develop continuity of mindfulness, continuity of presence. And do that however you can. You know, whether it's getting a little buzzer from the When I started work at the high school, I got a buzzer, and it buzzed on my belt every 20 minutes. Breathe, posture.

[13:48]

I had breathe on my computer when it slept. It would do breathe, breathe. Many things. I did many things to help me remember. Continuity of being present. Come back. Always come back. And then, now this I think is really important. It is to me. I really try to do this and it's difficult. At least once a year, twice a year is better. I'm trying to do once a year at least three weeks or a month of real sitting. Now I know most of you can't do that. But if you can't do that, then at least sesheen, one, at least two sesheen a year, at least, if you're serious. And the reason is, is because you have to dip back down into the depth. You have to go back into silence.

[14:49]

Otherwise, in my experience, you forget. Because life is just too full now of so many distractions, these screens, you know. Telephone screen, computer screen, TV screen, you know, screen in the car. There are screens all over the place. They're my downfall. There are too many screens. And now I don't have a TV. Why? Because I know myself, you know. I'll just sit in front of another screen all the time. So no TV for Tia. No control. I have no control. It's not funny. It's really true. I have no control.

[15:50]

I would sit in front of the TV, although I must admit, the stuff on TV nowadays is so bad. I'm barely even tempted when I put it on. I can't even find anything worth watching. In the olden days, when I was growing up, the TV, stuff on the TV was just delicious. It was like, now I'm going to tell you how old I am right now. It was like Imogene Coca and, well, who was his partner? Imogene Coca and Sid Caesar Imogene Coca app. I mean, fabulous live TV. It was fabulous. And now what do you have? Well, those are good. I must admit. Olympics are good. No, you have like, you know, class house, brother or bachelorette. I guess it's okay. You know, who am I to say? Somebody's watching. It's very popular. Yeah. I wanted to do this Shakespeare thing.

[17:23]

I'm going to do this Shakespeare thing. I talked about transitioning back to life. I talked about late practice. Did I mention that suffering is unnecessary? If I didn't, I really should talk about it a little bit. totally unnecessary. Please, you know, really. I'm serious, you know. It's not necessary to do suffering. It's really not. But the thing is, if you want to continue to suffer the unnecessary suffering, go ahead. My only request would be that you pay attention and know that it's a choice. It is a choice. Right? There's pain, legitimate, you can deal. Rain, just for those of you The unnecessary suffering, the suffering you do around your life that has to do with this shattering mind, it's not necessary.

[18:32]

And it is a choice. So what I'm asking you to do is, because I don't want to go into the whole teaching thing again, the reason is because you've heard me say the same thing over and over and over again, so I don't want to say it again. and bore you with it. So all that I would suggest is that if you do suffering, which is perfectly okay, because sometimes it takes us a long time to be convinced and to understand that we don't have to do life that way, then what I would ask you to do is pay attention. That's all. Just really pay attention. Add paying attention to your suffering. And then maybe you'll get a glimpse at times. Maybe you'll notice that the same thoughts are going on over and over again. It's the same story. It's the same tape over and over again. Maybe you'll get tired of it a little bit.

[19:33]

Anyway, not necessary. So here's the Shakespeare. How am I doing now? Oh, my God. So I read you two Shakespeare poems yesterday, and having to do with time. And so this is the one I really wanted to read to you. A couple of weeks ago, when we studied Dogen's, the part of the Ginjo Koan, when he talks about firewood and ash. And I was going to compare it. It was going to be a really great lesson. I was going to compare these two. Dogen saying that time is eternal, just like I was talking about in the beginning, that there is only now this, with that part of the Genjo Cohen when he talks about ash and wood and so on. And I was going to compare it with this Shakespeare poem when it's basically talking about linear time and appreciating life because of the recognition that we're...

[20:46]

that death is right around the corner. Do you know that Tupac song, Tupac song, Death Around the Corner? Different generation. Wait, anybody here know that song? It's a great song. Thank you. It's a fabulous song. Tupac. Tupac. Tupac. Fabulous. He was killed. There's another really good documentary on Netflix. There's another. I feel like I'm trapped. They're going to get me one way or another if I look. My foster son has a, he has a, what do you call it?

[21:54]

A, you know, what do you call it? No. A what? No, a, you know, he gets to watch Netflix. He has an account. He has an account. And unfortunately, When we were living together, he's now a young man now, and when we were living together, I got to be on his account and I knew the password and so on and so forth. And the really sad thing about it is that when he moved out and I moved to Brooklyn, I still knew the password and my computer and Netflix still thought that we were living together. So I got to use his Netflix thing, unfortunately. Thankfully. Netflix did this thing where they separated out the streaming from the sending the DVDs to your home.

[22:56]

And so my son chose the DVDs to the home, so they canceled the streaming thing, so I can't watch Netflix anymore. Thank heavens. But anyway, while I was still able to stream, I saw this terrific documentary about... The Crips and the Bloods and how those two gangs developed in Los Angeles. I think everybody should watch that because it gave me a much, much different appreciation of that community and the struggle, the struggle of young men, young African-American men They went all the way back to the 40s and what happened to that community from the 40s until the Crips and the Bloods became dominant in that area. I think everybody should watch it. Everybody should watch everybody's.

[23:59]

It's the same thing when you sit up here and you listen to a way-seeking mind talk and the person talks about their upbringing and their suffering. And you become very open to that person, even if before you were judging them in some way. Because once you see somebody else's suffering, you connect because of your own suffering. You understand how difficult life is for everybody. And I think the same thing is true with our culture, especially in the United States, because we are so many of us from everywhere we come. And for us to be able to see everybody else's struggle. Maybe it would open us up a little bit so that we don't compartmentalize each culture. I mean, it's wonderful. Each culture is great and enriching, but sometimes we think of people as separate because we have a different race or culture or sexual orientation or whatever.

[25:01]

And so to listen to other people's path would be, I think, very Helpful. Here's the Shakespeare. He uses three metaphors. The first one is the time of year, a metaphor about the passing of time. And then he uses a metaphor of twilight and the passing of the light into... the darkness. And then the last metaphor is about fire and the burning of the new log on top of the ashes of a previous log. In other words, the ashes of his youth are burning up his life today and so on toward death. Guy's brilliant, you know?

[26:04]

Okay, so here's the poem. That time of year thou mayest in me behold... Oh, by the way, this is a sonnet, so he's talking to a lover. That time of year thou mayest in me behold when yellow leaves or none or few do hang upon those boughs which shake against the cold... bare ruined choirs where late the sweet birds sang. In me thou seest the twilight of such day as after sunset fadeth in the west, which by and by black night doth take away death's second self that seals up all in rest. In me thou seest the glowing of such fire that on the ashes of his youth doth lie as the deathbed whereon it must expire consumed with that which it was nourished by.

[27:12]

This thou perceivest which makes thy love more strong to love that well which thou must leave ere long. So he's saying in his amazing way what we have on the haunt, that life is fleeting. What does it say? Great is a matter of birth and death. Awake, awake. Life is fleeting. Gone, gone. Do not waste your life. Say it again. Great is the matter of birth and death. Life is fleeting.

[28:13]

Gone, gone. Awake, awake. Do not waste your life. Same thing. Every time you hear the Han, boom, there it is. So in our study, we were studying both this passing of time as well as the present moment. And because, like Shakespeare is teaching us. Because we know so deeply, we hope, that life is only here for a moment. It's so short and then gone. That we can realize this and pour ourself into the present moment, which is the only thing that is happening. So basically that's what we were talking about for three weeks.

[29:14]

So I'm still only 10 to 11, but we're going to stop because I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to stop. So what I want to say at the end is I'd like to thank everyone who came to the retreat in any way that you participated. I really appreciated it. And it's up to the people of the city center, all of the different communities, the village community, the administration, the people who are RBT people, the people who work here and live here. It will be up to you to decide if you want to stop in this way again next year, in this silence. and discuss something else about the teaching about our life together. And I think in the next resident meeting there will be questions that you can respond to and then you can decide.

[30:26]

So I want to thank everybody and then I would like to apologize if I have made a mistake in the teaching in some way to my teachers and to you. I hope that I haven't steered anybody away from the path or steered anybody wrong. And Whatever positive, good thing came out of this retreat, I dedicate and offer to people. Just like we say, to the well-being of all people and peace, that we live in peace, that people don't suffer anymore.

[31:35]

unnecessarily. Let's all work together. Let's keep walking on this path as best we can. That's my vow. And I think it's everybody's vow to live as good, as deep a life that we can possibly muster. So let's just keep doing this and keep doing our best. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dorma.

[32:37]

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