September 20th, 2003, Serial No. 03984

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our intention
i've been going very well then
calm down

didn't want to laugh
i didn't actually have side i didn't want to go but
all i wanted to do is poor or encouraging tanking top and
explain some things have been going to
step mom and find myself well of course

snow please
i'm not unhappy
and that is patient with me i will
i started crying when i left my home next door

i have a foster son is nineteen and a half he'll be twenty december fourteenth
and then
i don't love him turns out
canada has been very difficult to sentiment
but were both going through enormous transitions right them and
just yesterday just this morning actually had finally showed me his green card that we've been waiting to get for very long time
we're very happy about that and
just yesterday also at the very same time he finally got a job at of after two and a half months of really trying and so on and he's trying to get his g e d
since core and from a certain point of view he's just doing incredibly well
and he's thinking of moving out which is appropriate
and then he was thinking of coming this morning is here
he knew that the last three weeks from me have been important
and he's tried to participate
in a very supportive and sensitive way
so i'm
when i left the house
i have quite a feelings came up

my name is tear and
for the last six years

maybe you shouldn't record is nobody's gonna
hero live
i've been ah
given the gift actually
of serving the community as a tonto
which means the head of the practice side of things

and it is an enormous gift
because he had his title know
they are very ah
generous in giving you the benefit the doubt
they want you to be you want made to can you wanted me to be

true muslim

want me to be the best
person i could be the best practice i can do the best
ah teachings i can offer through me
and i tried my best just as everyone tries their best on the time
and i do one apologized for couple of things i did hurt
a couple of people in the beginning and i'm sorry for that made my mistakes
and also the thing i think i did the least well
because of situations it happened in my life the last few years i wasn't here with you nearly as much as i think a toronto should be and i'm sorry for that i apologize

over the last three weeks i've been through a process called transmission for those of you who don't know where
the essential bottom line is that you go from wearing a black road to abram new
it's that if it means that little
and yet
i've waited thirty six years for this sticks
the first week was full of bowing
i did a john doe in the morning agenda means walking around all the authors and ballet making mansions and things and i did it in the evening afternoon as well and then in the middle of the day i did many many vows to each ancestor
but i was very happy to do
it takes each person
doing their own work
becoming free of their own karma
understanding the nature of the mind their own mind and everybody's mind
developing as you know openness of hard
and then passing that understanding on to the next generation that i was able to receive those gifts
myself for which i am
boundless lay grateful
so i was happy to bow to each
when i opened the door in the morning
everything was dark quiet
there were always two people there sometimes three i loved

what i was entering this kind of tunnel
and then next week
i went to a retreat as auction retreat with so can you push a and legged california
it was physically very difficult we were was extremely hot over one hundred degrees most of the time
and even so we had big lightning and thunder en-us dorm of massive proportions and i was living in a tent and a tent ah
with missing a poll and
instead of going like fish it went like this
anyway it was during a talk by the wimpish a and he didn't stop talking during this downpour and so everything got wet
to physically it was trying but the teachings were very perfect for what i was going through
it was all about the nature of mind and
how everything is transmitting
the dharma always
the trays
speak of it
flowers son
everything always is calling out to us wake up
this is how it is

it's beyond
it's a mystery at the core of our inmost part
we all know it
but were afraid

can practice i think is essentially

releasing that fear
allowing ourselves to be what we already are

and then the next week i went down to sahara
with jordan
jim brush
and we continue bowing and writing on long silk
the lineage
and then another so cut the lineage and a different way and and then certain images that represent
a certain kind of understanding of their teaching

and that has a also i felt enormously supported
by the people there
my old dear friends happened to be there
and also the person i have had the most teaching from
which means the person who has given me the most trouble
was also there
it wasn't really the person who gave me some a shovel it was the ways and center as a whole kind of responded to it but
so i was able to be widely inclusive of all my
we can say karma

and so i was very tender
and open
and grateful
and then i came back
and the great matter immediately presented itself
our community
has had a birth recently and a death
and someone
in a severe accident and in the hospital
a good friend of mine
and my oldest and dearest friend of fifty two years
can los angeles is in the hospital with her metastasis of melanoma in a brain tumor

life and death is the great manner
and it's swift
and in permanent
and this is our joy

but everything changes gives us the possibility of newburgh new creativity new life
it allows us to let things be what they are
it teaches us not to hold on
because if we do slaps our hand sometimes hard
let pay be on the page where your life is actually happening not in the past not in the future right here
silent open connected

the zealand way is a beautiful way
it's very aesthetic
not just because it came to us immediately from japan and japan has such an amazing come on and one
oh okay
that's my boy
not because it's has such a wonderful aesthetic which it does
but because it understands that life itself is art

it's a dance
and we get to participate
for a short amount of time

i wanna thank some people
the other day i think blanch at work me because she's supported me when i came through
my teaching
paul when it was difficult for me
made me come forward and stand up
a practice committee
all the staffs that i've been through who worked so hard to keep this building guy

the residence
who's effort

at practice encourages may endlessly

carol and david
and all the people who have been my checkers
and in particular the people who
made a commitment to our relationship with me
who have taught me
how to teach and continue to do so

and by san one who didn't hear me say can come in the beginning of my dark his live now
crying with me


then is about this intimacy

it's about being intimate first with ourselves and our own mind and
patients we call emotions
not identifying not attaching not pushing them away
allowing them their life their time but not attaching not not being caught by them is our effort
and then intimate with each other
with people will choose
who are easy for us who hopefully
both support us and also
help us see the parts and ourselves that we look away from
and the people we don't choose to be with
who often times are our best teachers
and then as we practice
this intimacy widens
is sharon salzberg says with a heart as wide as the world this is our effort

you know this deeply
is to understand emptiness
to understand the true nature of everything

i read you something by nelson mandela

did i think the saturday sanga know

the salaries on the people supported me through everything
they don't know how much i appreciate


this is nelson mandela
a man who spent i think twenty eight years it's anybody know
twenty eight years in prison

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
it is our light
not our darkness that most frightens us
we ask ourselves who am i to be brilliant gorgeous talented fabulous
who are you not to be
we were born to make manifest the glory that is within us
it's not just in some of us it's in everyone
and as we let our light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same
has were liberated from our own fear
our presence automatically liberates others


got great clear

barnaby in the hospital
has not been able to drink water for five days
he said when i was there visiting him by the way is much better they're taking matters i see you
he said appreciate your body
it's a good idea
and then he said
life changes in an instant

thank you all very much
i flirt really hot
and nell told me
melzer personally i transmission from he said well you're on your own now

so i hope that i can be on my own with you
for a long time
i want to walk this path as far as tape and as wide as i possibly can
and i hope we can do that together