I've been doing very well, and I didn't want to be... Oh dear, that's interesting. No, I didn't actually have the thought of didn't want to be, but... All I wanted to do was give you an encouraging thank you talk and explain some things I've been going through and stuff. And I find myself full of tears. So please, I'm not unhappy.

[01:13]

Just be patient with me, I will manage. I started crying when I left my home next door, because... Sorry. Sorry. I have a foster son who's 19 and a half. He'll be 20 December 14th. And I love him, turns out. You know, he's been very difficult sometimes.

[02:15]

But we're both going through enormous transitions right now. And just yesterday, just this morning actually, he finally showed me his green card that we've been waiting to get for a very long time. We're very happy about that. And just yesterday also, at the very same time, he finally got a job after two and a half months of really trying and so on. And he's trying to get his GED. It's in school. And from a certain point of view, he's just doing incredibly well. And he's thinking of moving out, which is appropriate. And he was thinking of coming this morning. I don't know if he's here. He knew that the last three weeks for me have been important.

[03:22]

And he's tried to participate in a very supportive and sensitive way. So when I left the house, a lot of feelings came up. My name is Tia. And for the last six years, maybe you shouldn't record this. Nobody's going to erase this. You're all in this? I've been given the gift, actually, of serving the community as a tantra,

[04:31]

which means head of the practice side of things. And it is an enormous gift. People, because you have this title, they are very generous in giving you the benefit of the doubt. They want you to be, you want me to be, you wanted me to be. It's almost over. You wanted me to be the best person I could be, the best practice I could do,

[05:38]

the best teachings I could offer through me. And I tried my best, just as everyone tries their best all the time. And I do want to apologize for a couple of things. I did hurt a couple of people in the beginning, and I'm sorry for that. I made my mistakes. And also, the thing I think I did the least well, because of situations that happened in my life the last few years, I wasn't here with you nearly as much as I think a tantra should be, and I'm sorry for that. I apologize. So, over the last three weeks, I've been through a process called transmission.

[06:48]

For those of you who don't know where, the essential bottom line is that you go from wearing a black robe to a brown robe. It's that, it means that little. And yet, I've waited thirty-six years for this stick. The first week was full of bowing. I did ajando in the morning. Ajando means walking around to all the altars and bowing, making mantras and things. And I did it in the evening, afternoon as well. And then in the middle of the day, I did many, many bows to each ancestor, which I was very happy to do, because it takes each person doing their own work,

[07:56]

becoming free of their own karma, understanding the nature of the mind, their own mind and everybody's mind, developing openness of heart, and then passing that understanding on to the next generation, that I was able to receive those gifts myself, for which I am boundlessly grateful. So I was happy to bow to each person. And when I opened the door in the morning, everything was dark, quiet. There were always two people there, sometimes three. Everybody I loved.

[09:00]

So I was entering this kind of tunnel. And then the next week, I went to a retreat, a Dzogchen retreat with Sokne Rinpoche in Legate, California, where it was physically very difficult. It was extremely hot, over 100 degrees most of the time, and even so, we had big lightning and thunder and a storm of massive proportions, and I was living in a tent, and the tent was missing a pole, and instead of going like this, it went like this. Anyway, it was during a talk by the Rinpoche,

[10:16]

and he didn't stop talking during this downpour, and so everything got wet. So physically it was trying, but the teachings were very perfect for what I was going through. It was all about the nature of mind and how everything is transmitting the Dharma always. The trees speak of it. The flowers, the sun, everything always is calling out to us, Wake up! This is how it is.

[11:17]

It's beyond talking. Words don't touch it. It's the mystery at the core of our inmost heart. We all know it, but we're afraid. And practice, I think, is essentially releasing that fear, allowing ourselves to be what we already are. And then the next week I went down to Tassajara

[12:33]

with Jordan and Bruce, and we continued bowing and writing on long silks, the lineage, and then another silk got the lineage in a different way, and then certain images that represent a certain kind of understanding of the teaching. And at Tassajara also I felt enormously supported by the people there. My old dear friends happened to be there, and also the person I have had the most teaching from,

[13:44]

which means the person who has given me the most trouble, was also there. It wasn't really the person who gave me so much trouble, it was the way Zen Center as a whole kind of responded to it. So I was able to be widely inclusive of all my, we can say, karma. And so I was very tender and open and grateful. And then I came back, and the great matter immediately presented itself. Our community, our community has had a birth recently,

[14:51]

and a death, and someone in a severe accident, and in the hospital, a good friend of mine, and my oldest and dearest friend of 52 years, in Los Angeles, is in the hospital with a metastasis of melanoma and a brain tumor. Life and death is the great matter, and it's swift and impermanent. And this is our joy,

[15:54]

that everything changes, gives us the possibility of new birth, new creativity, new life, it allows us to let things be what they are, it teaches us not to hold on, because if we do, it slaps our hand, sometimes hard. Let be, be on the page where your life is actually happening, not in the past, not in the future, right here, silent, open, connected. The Zen way is a beautiful way,

[17:13]

it's very aesthetic, not just because it came to us immediately from Japan, and Japan has such an amazing... Come on in, Juan. Yeah. Oh, okay. This is my boy. Okay. Not because it has such a wonderful aesthetic, which it does, but because it understands that life itself is art. It's a dance, and we get to participate for a short amount of time.

[18:16]

I want to thank some people. The other day I thanked Blanche at the work meeting, because she supported me when I came, and throughout my teaching efforts, and Paul, when it was difficult for me, made me come forward and stand up. The practice committee, all the staffs that I've been through, who work so hard to keep this building going, and the residents, whose effort and practice encourages me endlessly,

[19:43]

and Carol, and David, and all the people who have been my chikos, and, in particular, the people who have made a commitment to a relationship with me, who have taught me how to teach and continue to do so. And my son Juan, who didn't hear me thanking him in the beginning of my talk, he's there now, crying with me. So...

[21:05]

Zen is about this intimacy. It's about being intimate first with ourselves, and our own mind, and the sensations we call emotions, not identifying, not attaching, not pushing them away, allowing them their life, their time, but not attaching, not being caught by them, is our effort. And then intimate with each other, with people we choose, who are easy for us, who hopefully both support us and also help us see the parts in ourselves that we look away from, and the people we don't choose to be with,

[22:20]

who oftentimes are our best teachers. And then, as we practice, this intimacy widens, as Sharon Salzberg says, with a heart as wide as the world. This is our effort. To know this deeply is to understand emptiness, to understand the true nature of everything. I'll read you something by Nelson Mandela.

[23:35]

Did I thank the Saturday Sangha? No. The Saturday Sangha people supported me through everything. They don't know how much I appreciate their commitment. This is Nelson Mandela, a man who spent, I think, 28 years, does anybody know? 28 years in prison. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

[25:05]

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously

[26:10]

give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. So... Ah! Barnaby in the hospital

[27:16]

has not been able to drink water for five days. He said when I was there visiting him, by the way, he's much better, they're taking him out of the ICU, he said, appreciate your body. It's a good idea. And then he said, life changes in an instant. So, thank you all very much. I've learned really a lot. And Nell told me,

[28:18]

Nell's the person I got transmission from, he said, well, you're on your own now. So, I hope that I can be on my own with you for a long time. I want to walk this path as far, as deep, and as wide as I possibly can. And I hope we can do that together. Together.

[28:55]

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