This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. As I was standing upstairs beside the Han, waiting for the den show to end the second round, Noticing my mind was filled with thoughts of what I was hoping to say this evening. And what I was hoping to communicate. And what came into my head was that like four days ago, I was listening to NPR, the news on NPR. And they were talking about the earthquake in Syria and Turkey.

[01:06]

And saying, I think at that point, 26, 28,000 people had died. And then that section ended. And then they, I think they talked about the Super Bowl or something next. And I was thinking, what do we do with ourselves? Do we stay forever in a state of discomfort and distress with the tragedies of the world? Or do we just blithely move on to the next news section? I hope what I have to say helps us all to find

[02:24]

to just meet the world as it is. And then also to treasure our practice and take care of ourselves and each other. But I think it's a formidable challenge for us. What I was planning and what I am planning on talking about is the theme of the practice period that we're in the midst of is to study the self. And I've been talking about in the class, in the Anapanasati Sutta. And in a way, that sutta, it has a kind of yogic, It's teaching how to settle.

[03:32]

How to settle so thoroughly that we can be open to all the diversities and tragedies of being alive. And... And in some ways, it's an extraordinary but not so easily achieved yogic opening down. And what I'd like to talk about this evening is that that which... challenges us, upsets us, shakes us, unnerves us, unsettles us, can also help us connect to that visceral place.

[04:48]

In Zen terms, we talk about the hara, that visceral place. As one famous Zen teacher would call it. It's the center of the universe. Or the center of gravity. And I'd like to talk about it in terms of receiving feedback. And I'd like to start with... There's a koan, which unfortunately when I looked for it today, I couldn't find. But I'll give you the gist of it. This monk turns up at a monastery where there's a famous teacher. The teacher has 500 monks in his monastery. And he asks the teacher a question.

[05:51]

And the teacher answers. And the monk says, and you're the teacher. 500 monks, and that's the best you've got to say. And the teacher says, yeah, I know what you mean. And that's essentially with the con acts. I remember when I first read that, I was sort of surprised. Actually, what I thought was, oh, well, obviously the teacher is saying, well, I already said something wonderful, and if you didn't get it, your problem, not mine. But then as I thought about it some more and practiced with it, I thought,

[06:57]

Taking in everyone's truth. Taking in everyone's disposition. Everyone's way of expressing their life. Rather than, you know, being in competition with it. And I'd like to describe briefly. instances where I saw Sojin Roshi, Mel Weissman, who died over a year ago, and who was my Dharma transmission teacher. And as I thought about these stories, I was thinking about... You know, when I witnessed these stories, they seemed notable.

[08:01]

But now I actually, I think of them more as, this was kind of the heart of the Dharma transmission that Mel gave me. Once, quite a while ago, maybe two decades, Mel and myself and another person were in the front office. And the person, the third person, was, they ran the head off, the front office. And they were annoyed with Mel. And in a kind of angry, accusatory way, they criticized. And you know, the air seemed very tense.

[09:02]

And Mel didn't say anything for maybe a minute. And then he said, you know, I think you're right. And what you just said in criticism of me, I think it's right. And then here's the other anecdote about Mel. Something happened in Berkeley Zen Center. There was a prevailing notion that Mel had behaved inappropriately. And it became a big deal in Berkeley Zen Center. And again, Mel said, yeah,

[10:07]

I think that was inappropriate. And the senior teachers there besides Mel said, and we should explore this methodically and see what needs to be done in reparation. And Mel said, yes, we should. And in both those instances, I was struck by Mel's seemingly unflappable and utterly honest acceptance of feedback. And now I'd like to talk about an instance in my own life, which happened in the last week. Maybe a little longer.

[11:11]

Where I must say, initially, I wasn't unflappable and utterly settled with what came up. Someone sent me an email. And in that email, they were criticizing something I'd said. And maybe the way I said it too. And when I read the email, I was unsettled. And in my unsettledness, I was... of trying to coach myself something i've said to myself it because i think it's a helpful way to practice and i've said to others you know turn towards the unpleasant as best you can and let it teach you you know and so i was trying that on and and what i started to notice was that

[12:37]

In my unsettledness, there would be a rebuttal. Yes, but this and this and this. It looked like we were in a court of law and I was the attorney for the defense. And I was experiencing within myself a sort of an inclination to end an intention, to open and take in just as Mel had, just as the teacher in that con did. Just take it in, you know.

[13:38]

this is a person's truth. This is a person's experience. Not that it's an absolute, but it is a truth. And so there was that part of me. And then there was the rebuttal And then there was a kind of unsettledness. In that unsettledness, it felt like I wasn't quite in touch with myself. It sort of knocked me off balance. It felt a little bit like unfamiliar territory.

[14:46]

My own notion of how to practice with it was, as I mentioned a few minutes ago, turn towards it, open to it, experience it and it's something in the experiencing you know what i've learned over the years from practice is that especially when we're unsettled you know the mind can give a rise to all sorts of expressions of considerations and can do a marvelous job of what we might call defending the self. And as I paid attention to that, we can't exactly crush ourself.

[16:08]

and then think, well, that'll have the appropriate outcome. It's a more delicate and complicated process. So as I was attending to my own workings, I was trying to come back to... what was the somatic experience you know okay how does this feel you know quite literally and i started to notice well not unsurprisingly surprisingly it felt um unpleasant you know in in buddhist psychology The word Vedana is defined by gives rise to pleasant and unpleasant.

[17:18]

And we could translate Vedana as visceral feeling. So there was a visceral, unpleasant, disturbing, unsettling feeling. And as I experienced that, as best I could, with certain, you know, almost like outbursts of thinking. As I would come back to that, something started to shift. The capacity to admit to, well, this person's truth has validity.

[18:36]

Not simply in a subjective way, in an objective way, too, that in hearing their truth, something in me is being stirred. And what is it that's being stirred? And the unsettledness could be like a noise that was preventing me from hearing, receiving and taking in what the content of that email was. I was more focused on my own response to it than the particulars of the content. And as I continued...

[19:43]

to just bear witness to that and try to contact and just open to the kind of visceral unpleasantness. I noticed that something was starting to shift. that the plausibility of what the person was presenting in their email was increasing. Oh, yeah, right. That's a feedback that would be helpful for me to take to heart. There's something in what this person experienced and how they're articulating it. that's helpful information for me to take in.

[20:49]

And somehow it didn't need to be in competition with something else. I could take in that feedback and And not have some kind of primitive feeling that the world is being destroyed or something terrible has happened. No, it is more like, well, we all have our subjective truths. And sometimes they align and sometimes they clash. That's how it is. And when they touch us viscerally, there's something potent in that for us.

[22:12]

And as I explored that in myself, The notion that came up for me was the person was challenging what I now perceive in myself as kind of unexamined privilege. There was a kind of... The way in which I think of privilege is when we're fortunate enough to have the benefits of thriving, we sort of unintentionally create a certain kind of entitlement. And then when our sense of entitlement and privilege is challenged,

[23:17]

It's disturbing. It's unsettling. And as I started to let that in on myself, I find that to be, rather than just being an assault on my well-being, to actually be a wonderful teaching. The unexamined privilege, it sort of masks the reality of of the particulars of life that we're living in.

[24:20]

Yeah. And one of the dimensions I thought of it was, in Anapanasati, it talks about, as you practice Anapanasati, One of the experiences that can arise is what's often translated as dispassion. And I think of it as there's a way in which we can just accept, so it is. Just the way Mel said to that angry, accusatory person, I think you're right. I hear what your voice is. I hear what your truth is. And I think you're right. And then I would say to you, as I say to myself, how do we do that?

[25:43]

How do we not just try to ensure that our privilege stays in place and the benefits we have from it are sustained? Where my mind goes with it, and very interestingly, that way in which I was attempting to make a visceral somatic experience, connection, was it had a different kind of truth to it from the privileged truth. It was more that in this world, we may think and we may temporarily have privilege and we may think, well, that should stay there forever, that privilege.

[27:11]

Actually, this world, is endlessly and ceaselessly changing and yes indeed we do have the dilemma you know i think the latest number of deaths in syria and turkey is 35 000. and then of course hundreds and hundreds of thousands people now in the bitter winter cold. Some of them without food, without shelter, without warmth. And this is the world we live in. And we have the privilege of warm beds,

[28:13]

good food, security. I read an article a couple of days ago that was saying that some people were taking advantage of all the turmoil to rob and steal. And that's our world. And even in our own being, each one of us is thoroughly and completely part of dependent co-arising. And then in the teachings of Anapanasati and very much the teachings of Buddhism, when we open to this, accept this ever-changing conditioned existence, fierce as it is, there's something about it that's freeing.

[29:49]

holding of unexamined privilege, the holding onto it, it's kind of a flimsy proposition. We will continue to get critical feedback. Sometimes we'll get it from each other, and sometimes We'll just get it from the world. A week or so ago, Brent was reminding me, it was the anniversary of the murder of four young men just over there on Laguna Street, just past the corner of Page and Laguna. They were sitting in a car and someone came up and shot them.

[30:58]

probably the consequences of some gang warfare. This is our world. with this fierce coin. How do we stay open to the world we live in with all its turmoil? How do we stay connected to ourselves with our inner turmoil?

[32:05]

And the teachings of Buddhism, one of the responses is shraddha. And it's a wonderful dilemma Because Shraddha means trust, confidence, and faith. In a way, we could say this is the dilemma that Shakyamuni discovered when he faced old age, sickness, and death and realized that his privileged life in a palace was not going to, was a flimsy consideration. And he sat on the path of practice. How do we do that day by day?

[33:14]

How do we let something keep us alive? to our shared life. Shoko having an eight hour operation. Maybe to leave you with that coin, you know? How in the midst of all of this do we call forth shraddha, trust, confidence, and faith?

[34:23]

For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

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