So ancestor Dungshan is in the garden and another monk is close by washing his bowls. And the monk notices two birds contending over a frog and says to Dungshan, why does it have to come to this? And Dungshan says, it's all for your benefit. Everything's for our benefit. So how will we meet what appears before us? Or another way of saying that is how will we meet what arises in our own mind if it's aggression or grief, anger, resentment, jealousy, or bliss, happiness, peace?

[01:10]

if anyone's experiencing that. I want to say right away that the first thought that I personally don't have in the morning when the alarm goes off at 4.10 is gratefulness. I'm working with this. So when the alarm goes off at 4.10, it's more like someone put me out of my misery, please. This is not 4.10 in the morning. This is the middle of the night. This is absurd. What are we doing? And then something begins to shift. It's true that I get up and I start moving. I head to the bathroom and wash my face. Things shift a little bit. But it's really, I start getting kind of cajoled out of that state of mind when I start to see other beings.

[02:17]

It may be the night watch person heading down to be door watch, as if their night weren't long enough, their shift, then they have to go stand at the door. hoping that the door watch will relieve them and they can go to bed, or the breakfast cook maybe is starting to move around. This gives me energy to see beings, all of us, actually inanimate beings too. I was up on the roof just now and I saw the striped kitchen towels blowing in the wind up there. They're also taking their place in the mandala. There is something deeply comforting as if everything is okay in the scheme of things. A subtle but really powerful experience I had, it's the same thing I think I might have been in some position of quite a bit of responsibility, sort of tearing through Tassajara.

[03:30]

I think it was after dinner, before evening zazen. It was dark out, and there was a moon, I think. And I must have been heading to the staff office, and on my way, I just happened to look over into the abbot's garden, and I just saw the jisha standing there in the abbot's garden. just waiting for the abbot, just standing there, not doing anything in particular. But the feeling I had was she was taking her place. She was doing her job. And it was deeply satisfying to me and comforting. So here we are in the midst of the Sashin, this wild and mysterious creature. I don't know what it is exactly. There's a story of, you know, I've been thinking about the kitchen crew a lot.

[04:31]

It's the one ceremony where I consistently cry. We'll see what happens this time for the cooks, Jundo. Such gratitude for food, especially when it's so delicious, consistently being made for us and then being served to us. And thank you, all the breakfast servers. wherever you are, the residents who aren't participating in this sesheen, thank you very much, and also people who are participating in this sesheen who are going above and beyond the call of duty multitasking to make this sesheen happen. But I was working in the kitchen for one sesheen, and I think I must have had to use the restroom, you know, the zendo restroom, just as the practitioners who were sitting the sesshin were coming out of the zendo, maybe for kinhin. And I saw, you know, you try not to look up.

[05:37]

Even when you're in the kitchen, you maintain the sesshin form of staying contained. But I happened to see this one friend of mine, this man, who just looked like... I think traumatized is the word, coming out of the Zendo, just like ashen, this look in his eye, you know, like coming off the battlefield. And I was very concerned about him. So after the Sashin ended, the day after, I saw him. And I'd been kind of carrying him in my heart, you know, wishing him well. And I said... gently, you know, well, how was your sashim? And he said, it was fantastic. I had a great time. And I kind of was like, what is that? So there is something, I think, about being used up, about having our energy just fully...

[06:44]

having our whole being just fully utilized, having a place, you know, whatever comes up, this bliss, anger, resentment, whatever's coming up for you, to not act on it, but to kind of plow it back in to zazen. You're not going to act on what's coming up. Sitting in this ring of fire, just sitting there, how is it that that increases dharma bliss and renews magnificent, I don't know if you're feeling it, I'm feeling quite a bit more energy than I did in the first two days when I was sleeping every chance I had. The other thing, too, is what encourages us and what inspires us to keep you know, however you're seeing it, going back into the battlefield, staying in the game, just simply going back to the zendo to sit down. What is it that's encouraging?

[07:48]

Darlene, my teacher, Darlene Cohen, who some of you know, has a story of her first sesheen here. And, you know, it was her very first experience. And, of course, she saw all the people in the blue roxous. I don't know if there were many black ocases or brown even at that time. Just a couple people with some blue roxous. And she saw the blue roxous and thought, oh, that person must be enlightened. You know, new student, open mind, right? And one of the people wearing the blue roxous, she noticed, as the sashim went on, just struggled mightily. He moved kind of constantly, kept shifting. Maybe there'd be a sigh. And when he turned around to bow to his seat and then bow to the room after each period of zazen, he just had this look on his face, kind of like my friends, just devastated or just embattled.

[08:56]

But he kept coming back. to the zendo. He kept coming back every period. And it turns out that that person is none other than our own Steve Weintraub, who 40 years later, you heard speak here a couple months ago, is still practicing and inspiring all of us. So this thing about coming back, coming back to the zendo, attempting this upright posture and... can't take it anymore, slumping over, or just falling asleep and finding yourself way out here, and then coming back to this neutral position, home base, coming back over and over, how that training might be useful in how we relate with other beings, coming back over and over again to each other. So all this is kind of a lead up for me anyway, to what we've been chanting at noon service, the jeju yu zan mai, or how we translate it as the self-receiving and employing samadhi, or the self-fulfilling samadhi.

[10:13]

In samadhi, I always thought of as concentration, but when I looked it up, The Sanskrit, it means to establish or make firm. And I think the point of samadhi as not just concentration is that it's non-dual sustained awareness, a mental state, a non-dual concentrated mental state. So there's not this over here, an object of attention over there. It's kind of hard to talk about. Hong Shi, who... Some people know, because of Teigen Leighton's wonderful book, Cultivating the Empty Field, he's a little bit earlier than Dogen and really influenced Dogen. He had kind of a description of Gigi Uzamae, which he's very poetic, and it's traveling the world,

[11:22]

meeting conditions, the self joyfully enters samadhi in all delusion and accepts its function, which is to empty out the self so as not to be full of itself. Traveling the world, meeting conditions, the self joyfully enters samadhi in all delusion and receives its function. which is to empty out the self so as not to be full of itself. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and today when I was thinking about it, I was thinking, oh, that sounds like the practice of a bodhisattva, just meeting what appears before us, whatever it is, or meeting what arises in our own mind, wholeheartedly, not separating ourselves, or when separating, noticing, separating, not knowing, kind of a feeling of we're all in it together, kind of like Sashin.

[12:26]

So the background on this book, The Wholehearted Way, which I think Senke mentioned yesterday, is a wonderful, wonderful offering. Many of you know Shohaku Okamura, who translated it, and it's kind of a... of this beautiful transmission, teacher to teacher, teacher to student, student to student. Shohaku Okamura translated the bendowa, the wholehearted way, and there's a commentary on it by his teacher, Uchiyama Roshi, who in turn references over and over again his teacher, Kodo Sawaki Roshi, and And you really have a feeling of this lineage, this Antaiji lineage, which is pretty powerful and deeply human. So the background on the Bendowa, which we translate as the wholehearted way, in which the Jijuyu Samai is a section of the Bendowa.

[13:37]

So Shihaku... describes the kind of origins of Dogen's writing, the Bendowa. Apparently Dogen had been studying in China, he was Japanese, went to China with his teacher Myozen and stayed there for five years and his teacher died. So after five years Dogen came back to Japan by himself and he went back to the monastery where he had trained with his teacher Kenyan Ji, but things had changed. According to Dogen, there wasn't the, what did he say, the sincere spirit of practice had been lost. Another version is that Dogen actually got kicked out. He was a little bit too much for the Buddhist establishment at Mao Hedong.

[14:43]

But anyway, he ended up kind of maybe a little bit in exile in a small temple. And these were the circumstances in which he wrote the wholehearted endeavor of the way, the wholehearted way, which is interesting to me. And Shohaku is a parallel. So Dogen, the writer of this, the wholehearted way, which... could be considered as a commentary on the fukanza zengi, which we've also been chanting in the morning, instructions for zazen. But Shohaku's experience as he was translating this centuries later is that he had been living in America, Shohaku, and was... at the Pioneer Valley Zendo in Massachusetts. And then because of physical problems, various things in his life, he ended up returning to Japan.

[15:48]

He had no money. He had no place to live or practice. He said all his belongings were in one little knapsack, and he was alone. And apparently he did takuhatsu begging a couple times a month, and that supported him as he translated Bendowa. And apparently they were the same age, too, he and Dogen, 32 years old. So, Shohaku, in describing these circumstances of his own life, expressed a feeling of understanding of what Dogen, what might have been Dogen's motivation in writing, Jijyuza Mai, and the wholehearted practice of the way. Shohaku also mentions, though, in his kind of characteristic humility that after Dogen wrote The Wholehearted Way, for ten years after that, he was prolific and just kept writing.

[16:51]

And Shohaku himself, ten years after starting the translation of The Wholehearted Way, was still working on translating it. And he said he decided to stop trying to compete with Dogen. Um... The other thing I just wanted to mention that I thought was also important, kind of in the spirit of transmission and warm hand to warm hand, and it can get heady and abstract, but the humanity of it is that when Dogen came back from China, There was a way about him that attracted students, but he didn't have a temple, so there wasn't really a place for students to come study with him. But there was one student, Ejo, who was actually from the Tendai school, from a different school.

[17:52]

And Ejo saw something, wanted to give Dogen, saw there was maybe something there, and in a series of discussions together... Dogen could see that the difference was that where Aja was coming from was that practice is one thing and enlightenment is another. And this was Dogen's big question too. Practice enlightenment, not different. And the 18 questions, you know, I'm bringing all this up because after Sashin, maybe you'll be interested in reading this. This is the genesis of this. the discussions between these two humans about what is practice, what is it to be alive. So, let's see. You know, again, I'm feeling very dwarfed taking this on, so I sort of hung out in just the introduction of Bendowa with Shahaku, because I've met him and

[19:03]

I know him and like him, and anyway, it feels a little bit more manageable. But Shohaku just talks briefly about bendowa, the meaning of bendowa, and in particular, the do. When he talks about do, he says, so in a sense, do, the way, Buddha way, or butso do, is the way to Buddha. or to become a Buddha. It also means the way Buddha walked. So we follow the way that Buddhas and ancestors walked. All Buddhas and ancestors walked the same way, and yet the walk of each is unique. Each person has a different way, a different style, a different kind of expression through his or her activities or characteristics. So our practice is not a kind of training for the sake of making an ignorant person smart, clever, and finally enlightened.

[20:13]

Each action, each moment of sitting is arousing Bodhi mind, arousing practice, awakening, and nirvana. Each moment is perfect, and yet within this perfect moment we have a direction. the bodhisattva vows. And we chant the bodhisattva vows after a lecture, and we also chanted them in the full moon ceremony. Beings are numberless, I vow to save them. These four bodhisattva vows are our direction within our moment-by-moment practice. And yet each moment is perfect. Since our delusion is inexhaustible, At no time can we eliminate all our delusions. Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to... What do I say? End them. That's right. Glad someone's paying attention.

[21:19]

Still we try to do it moment by moment. This trying is itself the manifestation of the Buddha way, Buddha's enlightenment. But even though we try as hard as possible to do it, we cannot be perfect. So we should repent, which is what we've been doing every morning. That's the new thing we've been doing just before morning service. All my ancient twisted karma. Repentance becomes energy to go further, to practice further in the direction of Buddha. That is the basis of bodhisattva practice. Our practice is endless. Enlightenment is beginningless. My teacher, Uchi Amoroshi, says that a bodhisattva is an ordinary person who has a direction toward Buddha. Direction is the vow to be a Buddha. So the four bodhisattva vows...

[22:21]

You know, I heard at one point, I read John McRae, who's a wonderful translator, translated the vows, something slightly different, but hugely different at the same time as beings of this mind are numberless. I vow to save them. Delusions of this mind are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Dharma gates of this mind are boundless. I vow to enter them. Buddha's way of this mind is unsurpassable. I vow to become it. I've also heard the four vows in shorthand version. The Bodhisattva vow is just simply to say yes. Yes, I will. Yes. Yes, I can. Yes, I am. Yes, I am that person who's aggressive sometimes.

[23:27]

Yes, I am that person who's kind sometimes. Yes. I've been thinking about Zazen, especially during Sashin, as looking in the mirror. Darlene has said, without flinching, unflinchingly looking in the mirror. But lately, I've been thinking, oh, flinching. looking Zazen, Sashin Zazen, looking in the mirror and going, oh my God, no, no. And staying there, not moving, sitting right in the middle of that fire, no. Okay. Sometimes the Bodhisattva, Mio said this, Mio Lehi, sometimes the Bodhisattva always just, okay, uncle, all right. So... It's kind of embracing what we can't stand about ourselves. Back to Dungshan and the two birds contending. I'm those birds. I'm the frog. I'm Dungshan.

[24:28]

I'm the monk who said, oh, why does it have to come to this? I know I've been bringing up dreams a lot, and Mio, again, said at one point, who's to say... that the dream life is any less real than the so-called waking life. So in that spirit, I would like to tell you about a dream that I had a long time ago. It was around receiving the Bodhisattva precepts. And it's my rat dog dream. It's a dream about this rat. who wanted to be a dog. And I felt that this rat wanted to be a dog because, you know, he's got these beady little eyes and, you know, this kind of long tail and ears.

[25:30]

And it kept wanting to kiss me, kept coming close and wanting to lick me like a dog would, wanting to show affection by licking me. And when I woke up for this dream, I was really moved by this. You know, it's in the kind of the feeling of Jukai, too, of receiving the precepts of, oh, this rat with the beady eyes and the teeth. Just wanted to give and receive love. You know, why is it that dogs get to give kisses and rats don't get to give kisses? I felt all my aversion still, you know, the rat. But there was something in me that kind of opened to that aversion in a different way. And I've been thinking about this dream this week, and something's changed in thinking about it, which is that it used to be opening to my aversion to things out there.

[26:40]

But... Today I see that I am that rat. That rat is me. I even have my driver's license picture. It was taken when I was completely bald, and I have this really weird smile on my face, and I look like a rat. Anyway, to the opening to the aversion toward myself, my own aggression, my own competitiveness, my own greed. You know, things get really, we get really focused on the little minutia. Oreoki, personally, I feel is, I just, I'm so happy we get to do Oreoki twice a day. You may feel differently, some of you. Some of you may also love Oreoki. But at one point, I had just finished dry cleaning my bowls and was, you know, the water was going to be coming in. No sooner had I finished dry cleaning my bowls, you know,

[27:46]

eating off of my setsu tip, the very last of the food, when I put my last bowl down and thought, hmm, I wonder what the cookie's going to be. And the only reason I noticed that I had that thought was because someone dropped their chopstick. And it was like a pebble hitting the bamboo. I went, oh, I just had that thought. Shohaku ends his introduction to the wholehearted way. Our own life itself is universal and also unique. Our life is pervading the whole universe, and yet my life is just myself. We cannot share our lives with others. So this universality and individuality is completely present at this moment.

[28:49]

And we should create our own way of life, our own way of practice based on that universal reality. That is the wondrous Dharma. That is what all Buddha Tathagatas are transmitting and what we are following and trying to practice each moment, day after day, year after year, until the end of our lives. And through our practice, the Buddha Dharma manifests and influences other people. This is like a circle. That is what Dogen Zenji calls Jijuyuzanmai and describes in the beginning of Bendowa. When he says this is like a circle, I thought of a very brief but poignant conversation I had with Fu. who some people know, Fu at Green Gulch, who I ran into before this practice period. I think it was when Huetsu Suzuki Roshi gave his talk over there.

[29:54]

And I just wanted to say hello to Fu. I hadn't seen her since Grace's accident. And Fu said, Oh, Joan, I'm so glad that you're going to be living at Zen Center again for the practice period. And I said, I know I'm like the prodigal daughter And she got this very fierce expression on her face, and she said, no, it's more like it's elliptical. When she said that, I felt so deeply understood. And so when I think about circle, I actually think a circle with a dent in it is kind of elliptical. And then I thought about Reb saying that the Bodhisattva's happiness is happiness with a dent in it. So our practice is not to eliminate our delusion, but to see or to become aware of the fact that we are deluded.

[31:05]

Just become aware of it and let go of it. Do not be pulled by the delusions. Then we really become one with the Buddha way or wondrous Dharma. Even though we are inherently given wondrous Dharma, we do not know it. but the fact that we do not know is an aspect of the wondrous Dharma. If we could understand or know it, then it would not be wondrous. So in a sense, we have doubt as to whether this is really enlightenment or really the Buddha way, or whether we are really in the Buddha way from the beginning. Our practice is to let go of this sort of doubt and sit on the basis of the wondrous dharma, the reality including delusions. This is our practice, moment by moment. This week, this sashin sort of careening along, I feel.

[32:20]

Only a couple days left. Time is going by. Our lives are going by. We're chanting before lecture the Ehekoso Hotsugamon, Dogen's ode to faith. Faith in Zazen, faith in this very mind with all its delusions. Can we let go of doubt? Can we sit on the basis of the wondrous Dharma, the reality including delusions? to practice this way moment by moment, period after period, until the end and beyond the end. I think Suzuki Roshi said the most important period of Zazen is the morning after Sashin ends. Well, for us, that'll be Sunday, but Monday, okay. I have a couple more minutes. I want to just give you a flavor of Uchiyama Roshi, his deep humanity.

[33:25]

Uchiyama Roshi, again, was the teacher of Shohaku Okamura and who wrote the commentary on the Bendowa. And in the section where he's talking about the wondrous Dharma, immediately cease this skepticism, practice the way of Zazen under the guidance of a true teacher, and fully actualize the Jijiyuzanmai of the Buddhas. He tells this little story. He says... I heard a story about a certain Rinzai teacher who had already attained so-called enlightenment. One day he took an airplane to some affair. Unfortunately, the airplane rolled badly and the Roshi was terribly airsick. This is physiologically only natural. However, the Roshi thought it was no good for an enlightened person like himself to be airsick, and he tried to pretend that he was not. When he got off the airplane, he asked his attendant not to tell anyone about his being airsick.

[34:29]

It's really inconvenient if an enlightened person cannot get airsick or have a cold. It's too much to ask an attendant not to tell anyone that the Roshi has a cold. In short, it's not true enlightenment if it is obstructed by delusion. It is not reliable unless the enlightenment is always there in whatever situation. As I said before, it's important to see both delusion and enlightenment with one eye. Both delusion and enlightenment are the scenery of life. We should sit on a foundation from which we can view them equally.

[35:13]

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