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in ancient the
as each other cj said to target answer

hi bow susan
it's good to me that's a good man by chicken him
i vowed to twist the truth is to target his words
just a reminder

how many of you are
we're able to say the last
threatens of the japanese part of the chant we just did in one breath
you did really i am impressed
i just barely him in
supposed to be in one where when he didn't have come agents judgment and how they just made it here and me

this morning as i did they am
when you walk around from alter to alter in the morning
can't turn my head or else the sound goes away
say can't see again
when i walked into the kitchen the thames i was standing there with a rubber boots on
something was wrong with the picture i knew so i asked him how it was going today
and he's said there was a vast fled
am i bowed and left
we never really know what her life is going to bring
so we've been sitting together coming together now
with each other and with ourselves for four days
we are almost
halfway through
i don't know what it is but
like paul said yesterday were definitely into it at this point
it has become us
and we have become yet
we are now does an mind
whatever it is
we're just here
doing this something
sitting facing the wall
moment after moment
period after period
and now day after day
it's a joke but
we can sell a isn't have a really
usually and if you say to somebody if they haven't done this kind of thing before you tell them that way about to do they either don't understand or they feel really threatened chris reason

and we don't call this aesthetic practice what you said it practices when you don't eat
for awhile
but this is kind of aesthetic practice because everything is can taken away really
this is like what it is in a monastery for those of hear her
inclined to such things
everything is taken away except yourself
and so here we are seeking

this is what session is about
moment after moment facing ourselves
and as paul also said yesterday
whatever we see however we respond
is ourself

whether it's are small so-called small self
whether it's our so-called books off

he definitely is
the mirror come our lives

so finally
we just don't know
big self small self
sad self
whatever it is finally
maybe we could just forget about the whole thing
and throw ourselves into the moment
buddha did not promise heaven
or one happy moment after another
but he did say that the extra unnecessary suffering we've built for ourselves
out of our conditioning
that suffering
we can be free of and that was his promise it is his promise
and it is the same promise today as it was then

we each one of us have an ocean of sadness
most of us
not everybody
that has been poured out of our own tears drop by drop
h drop coming from a time when we have killed ourselves
killed who we are in order to survive while we were making up
our karmic self

that sadness lives as an ocean of tears
zen is about letting ourselves live the life we age richly deserve
manifesting exactly
who we are

it's about letting ourselves free from our conditioning until that ocean is run dry by the heat of illumination
the light of awareness
it is that awareness
that heals
just to be aware
he's everything
so are in the fourth day
it's a good day forte
we've put in a great effort so far everybody is making their best effort the matter what it looks like that is the person's past half the children

so we can gather his effort into being present

whatever place your ad
whatever you're looking at that is where you path is now
it doesn't matter what it is doesn't matter if it's bliss
doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable doesn't matter if it's joy doesn't matter if it's anything
the important thing is simply to be aware

do we have hopefully finally at this day
perhaps out of plain old fatigue
or with watching the same thoughts over and over again where perhaps we really beginning to settle with this life has it is

beginning to let the thing we love speak to us
who are beginning to hear the dharma
the trees speak of it
the cars speak of it
the cool breeze and the evenings speaks at it
sexual feelings speak of it

can you hear it

everything is always changing
everything is connected to everything else
can we begin to move away from always automatically believing the content of our thoughts
two watching the process of mind

can we remember to return over and over again to the body
which is always present
and allow ourselves to hear the dharma

at walden pond thorough road
i was interrupted from my rating by the sound of a train i looked up and saw a carload of torn sales and i could read the sales has though it was written in a book their history of the storms they had weathered and had been torn through
this is saying dependent arising

all the history
all your personal history all the storms all the wounds

are now available for you to simply watch

we study and gather information until we can see through the machinations of yourself
until we are no longer fooled by it
watch carefully

see if this
so-called small self
cares about you
he might take some time to notice

there are many books of stories about our ancestors
the one that's particularly associated with soto zen is called the book of serenity or the book of equanimity
the very first store in that book
just called the world honored one ascends the seat
this is the story very short
the world honored one ascends the said one day the world honored one ascended this head
manjushri struck the gravel and said struck the gavel
and said clearly observe the dharma of the sovereign of dharma dharma of the sovereign of dharma is this
the world honored one then got down from his seat
manjushri is the statue it's particularly interesting that he's the one in this story because he's the embodiment of wisdom
or the bodhisattva that helps with wisdom he's in every zendo with a sword in his hand like this raised up ready to strike
ready to cut through
ready to cut through attachment to emotion thought
ready to cut through the
karma and herself

so the reason why
the buddha ascended the seat and then got down was because manjushri made him into an object was pointing
i called him a name put him in a box
and the buddha was uncomfortable what i don't know if the buddha was uncomfortable but i'm imagining any rate
to point to it just had happened is kind of dualistic
a van that manjushri did he got down from his seat
here's the verse that goes along with that story
the yuneec breeze of reality do you say
continuously creation runs her though and shuttle leaving the ancient brocade incorporating the forms of spring
but nothing can be done about manjushri is leaking
so when jay shree leaked and made the living flow of reality into a dead toy
whenever we believe the content of our thoughts
which are concepts
we make a living flow of reality into a dead toy
a dead duck has they said

however manjushri is leaking can be understood in many ways because after all we lake all the time while the time it is a world of duality and oh we can't help it we live in this karmic world
so how is it that we can sit in the midst of what's going on in our mind
and not lake
or another way of putting it how can our not leaking how can our leaking be not leaking

when are exactly the thoughts we have and the feelings we have awakened thoughts and feelings and when diluted
and how can we lay down the burden of herself
does it mean that the self isn't there
but we know all of us have had the experience
of laying down that burden at one time or another and you know what it feels like
whenever we actually really let go of who we think we are
whenever we're kind of really holding on that feeling of kind of rocking back and forth with yes i know what's right i know what reality is this really is my idea of what's going on
when we're really kind of caught there
and for some reason or another something as kind of turned you it just takes a little bit of a turn
and you just lay that town
he lay that holding down and you let go falling into i just don't know
when that happens you fall into life
concentration immediately
presents itself
and you feel open
and you can breathe easily
because there's no more separation between you and life
because what that separation is is the contraction around your point of view and the point of view is that were carrying is the point of view that the of has
it's the self's point of view
how will we let that go deeply not just superficial ideas superficial feelings but when we let herself go the idea even of identification with the self when we let that go
that's a feeling of liberation
so i have these little liberated moments all the time

the feeling of contraction under the more superficial feelings of grasping an aversion way so habitually cling to is the place to settle
we want to watch the self as it's created
what was the incident that we wrapped herself around what is the incident
that brought up
self clinging
and how does that feel
that's where we want to settle
had the sense of separation

to do this we have to of course be aware
just clearly observe what's going on in the present moment the chinese character for that is abandoned
to give up
to resign to

and that actually is how we observe
we renounce our interest in the content of the world of emotion thought so that we can watch the process of mind at work
and eventually we observe in such a way has to give up even observing
we just surrender to don't know
we give up the observing self
that's the way to look
totally vulnerable to experience
not knowing
anything at all
can we stand it
it's really hard
it's really uncomfortable
all the time we're trying to figure things out like if we have a difficult relationship with somebody or something who is trying to like manipulated why henna were trying to manipulate it so we can be comfortable because we don't like it when our world is kind of shaky
and things aren't exactly the way we think they ought to be
there's kind of anxiety there
but it's at that place of anxiety that we need to stay

we don't know what's going on

every time we sit down to a period of size and we don't have any idea what's going to happen
you don't know if that period of zazen is going to be total bliss
you're set period of says and is going to be such a cramped pain in your back
are you going to have some kind of insight
right or
some kind of excruciating fantasy
you don't know every time you sit down you have no idea
and our life is exactly the same way except that when we're walking around we think that we can control things to big mistake
we can't control anything at all we can't control what is so called out there and we can't control what's in here not our emotions not our thoughts not our body
have you noticed it yet
hey none of it i mean if we could you'd go down to the xander and go okay great that's let's ratchet up some bliss and let's fashion epsom you know physical comfort and let's have some great loving emotions and i'll just sit there like head
day after day no problem that stays there shane my manager
no is anything right that at all
no know very well isn't seen the thing is sometimes it can be like that you could have some kind of bliss you can have some physical true you can have some you know wonderful thoughts of compassion and feeling of compassion so it's over
and they happen and you know the thing of it is you should really be there when it's good because you should notice that don't always go to and it's bad have some fun you know when it's good really enjoy it the thing is though if you have sexual fantasies that's not such a good it's very it's excruciating to sit with sexual fantasies
there i don't know if you've ever done that before
columbus here
it's very hard because you have to sit still
seventy have
okay so where were the
oh the important point he important point is and pleased you must know this by now it's all changing
that's important point not some particular kind of state of mind that some particular kind of physical or emotional event
it's always changing
can we rest their can we watch the process
can we not know anything at all
this is living beyond duality because it isn't good it isn't bad
it's just what it is
it's not so far away from us we just have to give up which sometimes is far away and

so how is it that even are diluted thoughts can be completely
realization itself
this has worked to secure as she said the garden
distance from zen mind beginner's mind
dorgan said gee said although everything is buddha nature we love flowers and we do not care for weeds this is true of human nature
but that we are attached to some beauty is itself buddhists activity
that we do not care for reeves is also good as activity we should know that
if you know that it is all right to attach to something
if it is buddha's attachment that is non attachment have i said this before ticket
that isn't getting hurt that's read thank you for reminding me that's where this
right so change changing
the up
i have also
right how is manjushri is leaking okay
how are your thoughts really okay whatever they are

if it is buddhists attachment that is non attachment so what's good as attachment what does it mean buddhists attachment doesn't that certain contradiction in terms
buddhists attachment
what is the freedom of a deluded mind

it turns somewhere around the self
he turns right there

me me me me me
line self reflection self concern self self self self
what it would you what would it be like to be attached without the burden of herself
what would it like what would it be like to be angry without the burden of herself
what would it be like to have all of her thoughts
without the burden of herself
that's our inquiry
and that's why we said
to gather as much information as we can about the self what does it look like how does it come up how does it arise what conditions come together to create whatever it is that happens to be arising as you right now
and when we can say clearly enough how it works then the veil of the self
through which we see the world almost all the time instead of being a brick wall little bit by little they get to be holes in it
til eventually like i was saying to somebody the other day about suzuki roshi my feeling about him was that you know he is self thing just the the whole the space between whatever was holding his idea of staff together
they will just so big that it seemed to me like it didn't even function for him
that's the buddhist promise

so in order to be with our life as it is arriving we need a little bit of faith
and doubt balance each other
not the kind of doubt that skeptical doubt where you just don't want to practice at all it's just too much that for that kind of dare you have to go to some spiritual friend and ask questions but the kind of doubt that keeps you interested in inquiry in an inquiring like
what what is suffering
follow the suffering
how is it what came together that makes me now in this place of suffering how did that happen
what are the conditions that arrived me here there's such a word
where is it that i'm holding
what a separation feel like to feeling in the body
notice every time you feel separate
and i was gonna say i will say and renounce that feeling but you don't have to announce it just feel when it feels like to feel separate feel what it feels like to be right all the time
this faith they get you thrown into life is an attitude it's not believing in something
it's an attitude is a wide inclusive kind of acceptance of life
hence and you know we don't have faith in something we have faith in nothing at all
through this believing in nothing
this faith gives us courage to throw ourselves into life
can you bear it
can you bear not knowing can you bear the anxiety of your life as it is without futzing with it
beyond this her that
with nothing to rely on nothing to believe in we throw ourselves into life as it is
what words can reach to a flower or a tray
to the movement of an arm
to the breath of each one of us
the buddha did not promise heaven
he promised release from suffering
the suffering of attachment to self
beyond self
their creation runs her loam and shuttle
including leaking yet free of it
they're the ancient brocade
incorporating the forms of spring
he's worn by everything
by everyone
can you see it

can you hear it
can you be it