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who who
just as i was i'm typing this talk this morning
looking out the window actually the window caught my eye
because it was pouring rain and at the same time the sun was shining
he was beautiful
and it reminded me of two things
it reminded me when i was living in africa it often rains that way
can you hear me
can you make it louder
can you make it louder
time to come forward
can you hear me now better
lil bit more
k there
susan can you hear me but
she's listening upstairs
she's doing the session
actually just like you

anyway it reminded me to of the sand okay which sure
you know you have two things that seem so dissimilar
rain pouring rain and brilliant sun
and yet both of them are part of fear or are really not part of
our this mysterious
whole nut
so here we are sitting
appreciating his holiness being this wholeness
in whatever way
we are
all buddhas
and ancestors and bodhisattvas
are also sitting at the very heart
i'm suffering
by sitting at the heart of suffering
they develop and we develop
our unshakable vow
to drop body and mind
and save all beings
they know as we know
that it it is directly through saffron
going directly into are suffering
that we find release

or at least a very different relationship
with our lives
so here we are in the midst
in the midst of old conditioning
each one of us
walking our own path
as i say often the path is the same but it looks very different front page of us because the landscape of their path is unique to each of us
it is our own particular kind
huh conditioning
her own particular kind of pain
and each one of us must walk directly into it
we are
warriors in that way it takes a lot of courage
and it also takes great kindness and patience
our job is not to accomplish something
but to release ourselves into our lives
to stop holding to stop expecting to stop desiring to stop sleeping to wake up in the midst
to not push away to not avoid
and to let ourselves fall into the vastness of the ordinary mind way
it is not beyond desire or version or sleep
the resistance
it is right in the middle of it
but to find that out
we have to let go
of everything
that is real renunciation

to help us do that we have the body what can they
we return over and over to the body to posture to breath
because it's awareness of the body
it gives us the spaciousness we need
in order to be able to let go of things
it's in the body everything we need to know

the scissors quote from suzuki roshi
doing something is expressing our own nature it's from his little chapter on pasture
doing something is expressing our own nature there is no need to attain some special state
when you try to attain something your mind starts to wander about somewhere else
when you do not try to attain anything you have your own body and mind right here
when we do the forms we are expressing our own nature
we do not exist for the sake of something else we exist for the sake of ourselves this is the fundamental teaching expressed in the forms we observe
when we do or aoki
we do everything with two hands
and when we left it up we lifted up in this little crown thing
how did i can't do without my bowl or here i bet
just like that he lifted up for breakfast and for lunch but not for dinner
we're not supposed to be eating dinner according to the old way
in hot climates
anyway he lifted up like that you bow
the balls stay in the same place because it's an offering

when i was attempt to horror there was a man their jordan well no j seven up and
he was headed the shop at the time
and i was having a miserable time
and i went up to the shop and took refuge in this big man his big course everybody's bigger than i i could take refuge in everybody
and i was just at a loss to how to my emotions and my thoughts were
ping pong game me back and forth and up and down and i didn't know what to do so he suggested which was a very good suggestion and i'm suggesting it to you
to pay attention in detail to the forms to come back over and over and the forms used the forms to help you come back
and if it's not enough
make other forms to remind you
like i said the other day before aoki is too easy for you do it with your other hand
which reminds me if you drop your sticks on the floor stay in guys show until the sogo offers them and brings some back to stay in gusher

when the servers come with a male board towels and you're sitting at the end of the row
put your hands and got show or raise your balls way you know before they get there so that when they get there they don't have to wait
dangling bum bum bum bum bum and and
and you have to expedient that so you have to be ready
anyway the most difficult part of his coming back and coming back and coming back
is remembering to come back
continuity is the most difficult thing as it is said
if you can develop continuity
that is called the host within the host
so it's helpful to have mindfulness practices that constantly bring us back
and that's one of the ways to think about the forms we do it's a very important way
you know since we've taken off the am
what he got the mimi aboard the or he might be used to be aboard to come into the xander you'd have to step over a book threshold he was a high threshold it was the highest of the city center i don't know why city center needed the most reminding a in brooklyn is really high
and you're supposed to step over it with your left foot every time you engine as under which i still do even though it's not there
it was another reminder
to reminder that when you go to this endo here to be present because it's the easiest place to do that
this is another form
in the dining room we have two windows that have
hands of pictures and gush out
one of them's kind of crooked it suzuki roshi had a bum finger on the other one is category roshi exactly correct
gus show his palms together and fingers together unless she can't do it then it's okay for to your finger separate
that's a perfect car show for somebody
but for everybody else fingers together
not not a little flour together
and then just about a little bit more than a fist
and around your mouth or nose and like that and their hands not too stiff and not too relaxed but kind of middle way
and then you have some sense of the intimacy of your life because there's one hand here and one hand here
like a sand okay you know it's not merging her way is not merging
and it's not separate
it's intimate
it's connected it's connected
every time you could do their show intimate with your own life

bodhisattvas live at the awareness of when there's a sense of separation
it's the most important thing
but usually we don't live there and the reason is is because
all of the things of the mind
paris away from that feeling of separation
a feeling of separation is natural so way the mind works but to stay right there to be in a relationship and not fuss with it but to allow the other person to be different without grasping at yourself or the other person is very uncomfortable
and it's the same thing with our lives so we run away from that anxiety of separation and the way we run away his with grasping
with avoidance
with doubt with restlessness with a kind of a dullness of mind
and for westerners we run away with a self loathing that should be added to the list
it's how we run away
that kind of pain is in some sense quite
he can't realize anything with that pain
we understand our lives at the level of duality are not duality so that's the sense of separation
first we have to
take care of feelings of avoidance grasping doubt fear
jealousy revenge i'm into revenge tightly
it's not as much in his anger fall in the mind
so this is the way we confess every day we go
oh my hm twist a com r
beginning the greed aid and illusion
born through body is the age and mind
ha now fully know
i'd a refuge in buddha
i take refuge in ah
i take refuge in seung ah
and so on
so we've been talking about settling
of course we must be present to settle so that's why we need to pay attention to the forms
but to settle means that you don't think that the pain will ever change
that's what settling is
settling isn't about
some state of mind
settling means you don't think that whatever state of mind year in is ever going to change

so sometimes we kind of play games with ourself we think okay i've got it now i'm going to let
fear or anger or
grasping or whatever i'm going to let my thoughts come and go
i'm doing pretty good

is that a bus
what is that
we're singing a duet whatever it is and myself
anyway we think it when we let things come and go this is that this is the thing you have to be careful here
we think that when we let things come and go we're doing really well
and that if we're do it the karmic energy of those things will eventually dissipate
we make a deal with ourselves okay i'll sit here and i'll let things come and go and eventually i'll be better
and in a way it's true but she don't let yourself think that because it throws you into the future and when you do that that's not settling and you need to really settle and again the way to sell his to really honestly consider that whatever state of mind you're in
is exactly never ever going to be any different because in that moment it actually is never going to be any different is going to be exactly what it is
and that's why it's so hard it really is difficult to think that our life is really what it is right now
it's really difficult
what about that unfulfilled love
the paths not taken
the body we actually have right now the relationships that didn't work out the amount of money we have our looks for any number of things we imagine could and should be better
i'm reminded of that peggy lee song
if that's all there is less kate dancing
i really hated that song when i heard it because i resented it because i really felt things ought to be better should be better i would make them better and i struggled for years
and it's not that things so called can't be better it's the struggle that is our ego self are small self that is what traps s
into samsara it's very tricky
and that's what we need to give up
and that's how to settle
it takes a lot of courage to let everything be as it is because there's no consolation
so it's a big risk
what if we really are going to be as unhappy as we actually are
what if we're going to be really as disappointed as we really are can we live that way can we stand up in that life and not haven't be any different
can we endure the major and minor humiliations of life
and stand up there that is our way
we stand up as who we really are
we don't make up somebody else
here's a poem mary oliver
you may know it wild geese
we don't have to be good we do not have to walk on our knees for one hundred miles through the desert repenting we only have to let to soft animal of our body love wooden legs
tell me about despair yours and i will tell you mine
meanwhile the world goes on meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain or moving across to landscapes over the prairies in the deep trays the mountains and the rivers meanwhile the wild geese high in the clean blew air or hey
heading home again whatever you are no matter how lonely the world offers itself to your imagination calls to you like the wild geese harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of say

what would it be
if we really dropped knowing all together knowing who we are or knowing anything at all

in there there is a great piece
all we need to do is that the animal of our body loves of things at lugs
this is complete activity in each moment this is what kitchen practice is about
in kitchen practice it's complete manifestation of dobyns way
practice and realization are the same
complete involvement in each form and the form is cutting carrots
the form is cutting onions the form is stirring the soup the form is the posture a person indication stands when they're chopping
the form is listening to another person really listening to another person when they speak really tasty
it's not by mistake that the instruction the dogan wrote the only particular instruction that dogan wrote was for the kitchen

whenever thing is said and done what we have left is right in front of us
it that shouldn't be a surprise
what if really
if it really is just like this can we settle here can this very life be acceptable
d what we actually are
here's another quote from suzuki roshi it's about bowing when suzuki roshi todd he taught by example for the most op eight i mean basically that's how he taught by example you watch this man and
you couldn't exactly understand how he did what he did because what he did was really ordinary there wasn't anything to it but you couldn't figure it out exactly how he did that
and i think the reason was was because there was a sense of not exactly that nobody was home but nobody particular was home in particular has a very odd kind of experience
anyway maybe of told somebody before but one time i asked him what it meant what is bowing
and but he did was he got up and he started bout right to my side he started bowing over and over and over again and there was in front of me that's what hates to bow i understand that he did that with somebody else and somebody asked him how to put it on and okay so he got up and you put on his okay then
bowing is a very serious practice we should be prepared to bear even in your last moment even though it is impossible to get rid of our self centered desires we have to do it our true nature wants us to
bowing his you becoming one with buddha with everything when we forget or dualistic ideas everything can be or a teacher and something to build to as ourselves here everything has the same value this is the spirit of zan to be able to bear in each mode
want to die to herself on each moment

it's very useful
to throw yourself into bow and completely and be careful of your knees
bowing was one of suzuki roshi is most important practices
it's also important to listen when you do the crackers
it's either a sharp clack or around clack or when you do the bells and the mercutio both in which were terrific today i thought
very sensitive and great pace
you are giving to the community your state of mind
that's very important
and how we chant together also is very important
to listen to everyone

how you make sounds with your utensils with a e oreo k very important
to pay particular attention to each thing

i am appreciating very much of jordan's energy
has co-ceo please let's follow that energy
we're having a little time figuring out how but i am sure that we're going to
we just have to listen to each other everybody kind of a little
wobbly now but i think we will
there is no way we can settle deeply if we're not present in the body
there to awaken us to life as it is
which is the perfect and only teacher
each of us are our own teacher
people just can guide us a little bit but actually we are responsible for doing the work all by ourselves
and there is no more perfect mirror than life exactly as it is
when you have your suit your books
don't put them under the tsar unless you're sitting on the floor but if you're sitting on the high tons put them between the wall and your sabaton because their sutures and we shouldn't put things on top of sutures
and when you put your somber tones down for service
not swap
place them on the floor and don't move them with your feet been down and turns very hard this stuff is hard
but it's great because it shows us who we are our existence or pride
our anger
that's what the forms to what are the for the forms are our life whether it's in the kitchen or in zendo or anyplace else but it's just in the zendo it's the easiest to pay really attention to it because in the zendo your response to the forms obviously is only you there's nobody can blame just you
you and your life and the forms help you look at it
when i was in a it's another way of looking at the forms when i was in hockey o j with them category roshi he invited a very famous and master very accomplished said mass to her name was an echo nerissa hiroshi
who's the person i actually dedicated my own or nation to
he's total dogan he taught straight dogan and what did he teach i was really upset
he taught and this is crazy
i resisted i'm even resisting telling you
when he said was that duggan's understanding or duggan's way or realization itself
okay enlightened men itself or awakening itself i hardly could use the words
is doing the forms exactly correct
well we fought with in tooth and nail it was it was like a rebellion it was category where she was so embarrassed he had even one night when then echo near circulate roshi was supposed to give a lecture he asked him to please stay home and instead category where she came to the
xander where we barely had this and know so we did the toxin is anna and he basically he bend death he paid as basically he was on his knees bend as to please just listen to this man this man he paid thousands of dollars to have him come from japan it was his teacher right and this guy is regard he was that this person
echo nurse accuracy was invited to be the next abbott and a hanky he died too soon and sorry to say this is the level of person we're talking about he writes him to hokey oh gee where there's like a new two thousand and five people doing a practice period and the middle of minnesota
and we're going to know
but i mean really
just doing the forms perfectly as realization itself please give me a break
i don't think so
but you know actually just between me and you
it's kinda true
because tokens teaching his whole hearted activity
practice and realizations not different
because it's about not dualism just the middle way and when we really do the middle way the middle way disappears as nothing there there's no such thing as the middle way what is that the only thing that the middle layers it's right in front of you your life right exactly in front of you
that's the middle way so what's exactly in front of us please do that show this way i mean really but complete do guys show complete bow i'm so embarrassed i sound like hey gary
anyway that's
i'm beginning to believe it
so please
it's not easy to not have anything to get
and to know deeply that there is something there is everything to do
so in the midst of suffering we find our way the forms help us remember what are deep intention is
the forms shows us herself her true self her uniqueness and also ourself concern our resistance are small selves
thank your kitchen very much
in the midst of suffering we find our way
during the forms is our life and doing them with awareness is our way

seeing the process of mind and setting it aside
seeing the process of mind and setting it aside
not the content
seeing the process of mind and setting it aside
we got show when we are hurting
we pick up the chair carefully when we are tired
we rejoice with gratitude when we bow
we bow complete be the best we can for no reason at all

practice is about the endless engagement in our living and dying each moment
we are alive right now
and it will never happen again

and somebody said a long time ago this is not a rehearsal
it's too bad i would have done a lot better next time
so we have to pay attention we have to return over and over to where we are and forget everything
we have to dive into the ocean
with a feeling of kindness
we dive into the ocean of dharma
we dive into our lives as they are
so today
i've tried to talk about form
kind of sneaking it in
in between banks
but they are good there are good ah
a good
to encourage us second day of session

so gently
in the body
with the spaciousness that comes in the body
first with the hindrances
letting them come and letting them go back again and again to the body to the breath
and perhaps
you can have a peek
underneath those
wafting thoughts and emotions
that sense of separation

stay there

all the buddhas the buddy sought and ancestors are also sitting at the heart of suffering

may we and all beings be free from self cleaning