Oh, Good evening, everyone. My name is Roger. I'm a member of the resident Sangha here at city center and very honored and pleased to be able to be with you tonight, including all of those of you out there on Zoom. Appreciate you Zooming in very much. and certainly all of you present here, both residents and people that have come from wherever to be present.

[19:38]

I, first of all, wanna thank my teachers, Victoria Austin and Abbott Ed, and also thank the Tonto, Ana for asking me to give this talk tonight. So I'd like to begin with a story. And the story is about a frog and a scorpion. So one day, the scorpion wanted to cross the river, but it didn't know how to swim. So it saw a frog sitting on the bank there, and he asked him to carry him across. And the frog hesitated, afraid the scorpion might sting it, and said so. And the scorpion promised not to sting the frog, pointing out that if he did, both he and the frog would die. So frog thought this was a pretty sensible answer. And so he agreed to transport the scorpion across the river.

[20:43]

Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog, dooming both of them. So the frog said, the dying frog said, he asked the scorpion, why did you sting me despite knowing the consequences, knowing that we would both die? And the scorpion said, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge. It's my nature. Now, that's very interesting. That's the scorpion's nature. Our nature. We have the blessing. We have the grace to have been born into this human form. So our nature is not as dictated as that was by the scorpion. In this case, even though the scorpion knew he would die, it was still his nature to do that.

[21:48]

And he had to. And he did do that. You know, there's also the core story of. the monk who after denying that an enlightened person ever falls into cause and effect, he was turned into a wild fox for 500 births. And then one day he comes to his Zen master and he said, give me a turning word, a phrase that he hoped the realization would free him from this animal form. So The Zen master tells him not to ignore cause and effect. And like that. The monk who had or had been a monk was released from his wild fox body and was asked to be given a monk's funeral. So the scorpion could not resist his nature. He had to sting that frog because that's what scorpions do.

[22:53]

The monk who became a wild fox because he denied cause and effect was able to transmute, transform that. He was able to change. He was able to reclaim what I prefer to call his true nature or his Buddha nature. And as a human being, as I said, we have this opportunity, which is indeed a gift that we can reclaim our true nature, our Buddha nature. And although we as humans sometimes can't resist the urge, and there have been many, many times I have not resisted the urges that have come my way, but they're not in my nature or in your nature to do so. But these urges, These things that come our way sometimes can be of benefit. But Buddha said, you know, that of all the forms of life, the human life is the most advanced.

[24:03]

A human birth is very rare compared to all the other life forms on Earth. To be born as a human being, one would have cultivated a lot of merit in past lives. So here we are with this golden, if you will, opportunity to advance ourselves, to practice, to become, to learn, to change, to transmute, to get back to that original nature, back to the garden, as it's sometimes referred to, back to our Buddha nature. But there are a lot of things. that interfere with this. We have this uncommon ability to reunite with our true nature, but reunite we must. And to locate our original self, we must peel back the veil we've created.

[25:06]

We need to cultivate what I've sometimes referred to as our karmic garden. Now, what often comes up that gets in the way of doing this is what are referred to as the five hindrances. They are the first being sensory desire. The second is ill will. The third is sloth or topor. The fourth is restlessness or remorse. And the fifth is doubt. Now, we can actually be grateful for these five hindrances because they're what give us incentive or can give us incentive to grow, to transmute, and to change. But they tend to block our realization and they tend to block our experience of our true nature.

[26:15]

So tonight I'd like to focus on on the fourth of those five hindrances, that of restlessness, but particularly of remorse. I know that this stands in my way in many, many respects of being in touch with my Buddha nature, with my true nature. It hinders me. In fact, that remorse can often be and sometimes very often for me, is a bit addictive. Because when I'm in remorse, I have a wonderful excuse for not doing, not being. I have a wonderful excuse of, oh, I just can't do it. I'm so bad. I've done so many things that I can't account for, that I know that I shouldn't have done. And there's a certain, strangely enough,

[27:18]

comfort in this. There's a certain relief in that, as perverse as that is, may well seem. So it does block us. Interestingly, Aldous Huxley in his infamous, famous book, Brave New World, said, chronic remorse is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent. Make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brode over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way to get clean. Excellent advice. from Aldous Huxley.

[28:22]

However, that remorse, as I mentioned, can be helpful to awaken the heart and to awaken our true nature. The pain of remorse can give us insight into our vanity and to our unkindness. When we experience remorse, we can become aware that we are going against our true nature. So there's some benefit there. And it's not that this won't happen. And going back to that old wild fox, there is cause and effect. So we don't, you know, when we experience remorse, we know we're going against our true nature and the heart, the heart that seeks to awaken. I find that I can spend too much energy on and time lost in regrets and remorse.

[29:23]

As I mentioned, this is addictive behavior that distracts me from the present moment. So that's a lot of what getting in touch with our true nature and our Buddha nature is about, is being in the present moment. When we're in remorse and regret, we're obviously in the past. So that's the signal. Aha. I can pause and I can be in the present moment. So this distracts me, as I said. On the other hand, I can use these remorse and regrets to motivate growth and learning. In 12-step work, the making of amends after the ninth step, it reads, And this is a ninth step promise. We will no longer regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

[30:25]

We will realize that our experience can benefit others. Pages are sticking together there. Okay. We'll see how our experience can benefit others. So sharing our mistakes and our misdeeds, that can help both us and others to let go of that remorse. I was a very active alcoholic for many years, something I'm not proud of, but I don't really regret any longer. And I see how that, in a way, propelled me into my Zen practice. Now, I don't recommend that you become an alcoholic so you can get involved in your Zen practice. But that's what happened for me. And if I share that with others and the fact that I've now been a sober human being for well over 30 years, that can offer hope.

[31:37]

And that can offer perhaps courage and incentive. And the opportunity. for people to experience that and practice that. So as I share that, as I do, it helps and benefits others. So my past, although I'm not proud of it, I see that I don't need to regret it. I get nothing out of that regret, but I do grow and I become more present as I share that with others. And my Zen practice is another example. You know, this Saturday, we're coming up on a one-day sit. And so a couple years ago, it was a one-day sit, and I was having a terrible time. Now, this is after almost 15 years of Zen practice, and obviously several one-day sits, several periods of Zazen, and I was tormented.

[32:40]

I couldn't, you know, and this was on Zoom, by the way. And so I had the advantage that I didn't have to worry about sitting up too straight and what people might see around me and what have you. But I couldn't stop the movie in my mind. And I finally gave up that day. And I watched, literally watched the movie. I switched from Zoom on the one day sit Netflix and watched a movie but as I've expressed that to other people that's given them some relief that ah okay this happens to people this can happen and has happened to me not that they necessarily gave up as I did and watched a Netflix movie but it tells them that it all isn't smooth And it all isn't just in the present moment.

[33:44]

And it doesn't always go the way I want it to and like it to. And in fact, we are human. And these things do occur. So I can share my life with others. And as I do so, it benefits others. And it benefits me also. It strengthens your core when you do this. really now becomes, how do we learn and grow? How do we unveil our true nature and awaken an undefended heart? There's a lovely sign both in the Tenzo's office and upstairs on the third floor. It's scrolled on a piece of cardboard and beautiful cursive, undefended heart. And I just recently learned who did that and where that came from, and it made it even more dear to me. But it's something I see every morning, and I think of that.

[34:47]

And to carry an undefended heart forward takes faith and courage. But once we have that, and once we tap into it, it's a wonderful thing. wonderful experience. So besides sharing our remorse and letting it be known, and particularly acknowledging our own remorse and being kind to ourself is critically and extremely important. One of the methods for helping us to unveil our true nature, our Buddha nature, comes from the six paramitas, and particularly from the first paramita, and that's generosity. So as I mentioned, generosity is really important towards others and towards ourselves.

[35:56]

This can be giving and receiving forgiveness, and it can also be an example of making... amends or living amends. And what I mean by living amends, we can't always make an amend to someone or some group of people for some harm we may have caused. But we can amend it, make an amend by living in an appropriate manner and not practicing whatever behavior that might have been It was a transgression of our true self, was a transgression of our Buddha nature. So sometimes as a part of this, we can invoke parental mind. Now, parental mind, sometimes we get confused and think, oh, I have to be a parent to have parental mind.

[37:03]

That's not true at all. Because we are all parents to one another, but also to ourselves. So deep within ourselves, we can be parental in that kind, generous way. And it was pointed out to me one time by one of my teachers. I was having a struggling time. I forget the exact situation and didn't know what to do. and how to behave and where to go. And I was at a loss. And they pointed out to me, I do have three children. So they pointed out to me, what would you say to your son if he were going through a similar situation? Oh, I would be very compassionate. I would be very loving.

[38:04]

I might share something from my life and experience that might help him see how he could deal with this situation. But I would listen to him fully and completely. And I would be kind. And I would be compassionate. And so we can do that and we need to do that with ourselves. It's going back to those regrets and that remorse. We can beat ourself about it. And going back to what Aldous Huxley said, we don't get clean by rolling in the muck. So be compassionate. Practice that first paramita of generosity towards oneself, towards yourself. And so often... We are inept at this. So often we don't know where to start or how to do it.

[39:09]

So often we think I don't deserve it. I'm bad. I did that and I can't ever not do that. We don't give ourselves the hope that we tend to give to one another, particularly in our practice of Zen. You know, we offer hope to one another. We offer it every morning when we sit in zazen. We offer it every morning when we come into this room and have service and chant the repentances. And chant the vows and chant the sutras. So. This was also told to me one time, and I really. Love this. One of the things of the first bodhisattva vow is I promise to save all beings.

[40:11]

And OK, that's a noble thing. But don't forget, it says all beings, not all beings minus one. So that means yourself also. So don't forget and don't neglect yourself. This parental mind towards us, towards ourselves, is critically important. It doesn't mean we need to ignore other people also. But remember, it's all beings. So this can help free us from our past actions. Small practices can be revealing. in doing this and watching how we are and where we are and where these resentments arise and where these addictions arise and where the remorse and the regret arises. I have an ongoing practice for probably four years and it started out ridiculous.

[41:23]

But here in the small kitchen, of this temple, there's a small kitchen where students go in and they can prepare, have a cup of coffee or prepare some tea or a little snack or some fruit. And there's a drawer in this small kitchen that holds a silverware tray. Now, not infrequently, that silverware tray is empty, particularly of spoons. Now, I love to have a cup of tea in the morning. And to do so, I need a spoon. And when there's no spoons in it, I can get, going back particularly when this started, I can get irate. I mean, I get really upset. And I cuss and I carry on and I slam the door shut.

[42:24]

And, you know, this temple is this terrible place to be, and nobody does anything here, and why can't they just put a few spoons in the drawer? So I spent a lot of time, that was all I did every time I encountered an empty silverware drawer. And then one day I thought, well, I could fill the silverware drawer up, you know, noble indeed thought, you know, but it wasn't coming from a noble place. It was the hell with them. I'll fill this silverware drawer up. I'll show them. And I did it with a great deal of self-righteousness. And so that went on for quite a while. And then one day I thought, oh. You know, I haven't always done everything perfectly.

[43:25]

And I probably took the last spoon at some time or another. If it wasn't a silverware drawer, it was something else. And I probably got a bit of a karmic debt to, you know, make some amends here. And, you know, even though it's reluctant and kind of self... gratitude, I'll fill this damn drawer up and I'll show them. Now, it's progressed that occasionally I can, with good nature and good thought and not thinking I'm being self-righteous or good or you're bad or what have you, I can just, oh, this drawer needs some more silverware. So now this has been going on, as I say, for years. three, four years probably, and it goes from here to there to that and back like this. But it's given me, and it gives me, this is a wonderful practice opportunity.

[44:28]

So my point in telling you this story is that there's many, many practice opportunities that we can easily ignore, but can tell us, if we don't ignore them, a lot about who we are and where we are, and what nature we might be practicing, whether we're practicing as the scorpion, or we're practicing as the wild red fox, or maybe we're practicing amazingly as a bodhisattva, saving all beings, you and everyone else and me, and touching my true nature. My Buddha nature. So sometimes I'm willing to do this and sometimes I'm still upset and sometimes I'm giving and sometimes I really appreciate the opportunity. But I notice it now. And that's what's important.

[45:31]

And I don't get stuck in the remorse or the regret. And I get to practice that first paramita of giving. So becoming in touch with our true nature is definitely an ongoing practice. It doesn't start and stop. And we don't do it perfectly. And sometimes, you know, we may give up and watch a Netflix instead of sitting in Zazen. And sometimes we fill the silverware drawer willingly and happily. And other times. Damn you, all of you, for not doing it. But it's learning self-awareness and self-acceptance. It's a lifetime job. But what an adventure. And what a treat. And sometimes painful. But an amazing journey that we've been given.

[46:38]

blessed with that we have the ability to touch this true nature, to touch this Buddha nature. It's an experience like no other. And I don't know how well I might be able to totally, you know, resolve there continually. I can't imagine indeed what that experience. would be like. At times in my past, I thought, oh, yeah, you reach some point and then everything's great and everything's good and everything's going my way and everything's as exactly as it should be. And there is no pain. There is no suffering. And I don't think I need to tell all of you that that's not the truth. That's not the way that it is. And that's not what this practice is about. It's not about eliminating the remorse or the regrets, but it's about using them to grow.

[47:44]

It's about using them to learn. And it's about using them to help others. And it's about giving us at least that much of a glimpse of who we are truly and where we can be and how we can be. So I'd like to close with a quote from Jack Kornfield, whom I'm sure many of you know or know of, one of the founders of Spirit Rock. And he says, a quality of mature spirituality is self-acceptance rather than guilt, blame, or shame for the ignorant acts we have committed. Or the fears that still remain within us. The quality of mature spirituality is self-acceptance rather than guilt, blame, or shame for the ignorant acts we've committed.

[48:50]

And indeed, we do commit ignorant acts. I mean, as I've expressed to you and shared some of my ignorant acts with you. Or the fears. That still remain within us. So, as I mentioned, we don't get over all of this. We don't become beyond it. But we learn how to live with it, be with it, and be in touch. So, referring to that mature spirituality, it goes on. It understands that inner... Opening requires the warm sun of loving kindness. For you and you and you and for me. In deep self-acceptance grows a compassionate understanding. We are asked to touch with mercy. With mercy. That's an important word.

[49:51]

We are asked to touch with mercy the parts of ourselves. that we have denied, cut off or isolated. Mature spirituality is a reflection of our deep gratitude and capacity for forgiveness. So thank you very much. Okay, and we do have time for questions. AND RESPONSE. SO ANYONE IN THE ZOOM ROOM IS WELCOME TO RAISE YOUR ZOOM HAND AND ANYONE IN THE ROOM HERE IS ALSO WELCOME TO RAISE YOUR HAND. Thanks for your talk, Roger.

[51:11]

I was thinking about your frog. Our frog. Our frog. So with all his compassion and kindness, he takes the scorpion across, but he still gets stung. And maybe he has a little regret about that. Maybe he doesn't. What would you say to the frog? Thank you. Gee, Mr. Frog, or Ms. Frog, or what do we say? Frog. Hey, Frog. I can relate. I understand why you made that choice. And even though you hesitated, I've had that same experience myself. And I've died also, not literally, but I've died from many of the... decisions that I've made that have gone against my better judgment or that I felt that I'm unable to resist or I'm overly addicted to doing it.

[52:23]

So I understand and better luck next time. And we have Shirley in the Zoom. Hello. Thank you so much for the talk. It really resonated with me, especially because I participate on Zoom a lot. And I noticed there are other things that I do in the morning, like on meditations. And then I make myself feel bad, like, oh, you're not as done as the other people. Like, look what you're doing. If they can only see what you're doing. But then I think to myself, but I want grounding for the day. And you know, your talk just had me really get that, like, it's okay to participate on where I'm coming from and not so much how I look.

[53:25]

And I also got a lot from the story about the scorpion and the frog. I know there's people that will take advantage of me, but then I... go ahead and I help anyway. And then I blame myself if they treat me badly or they show their true nature. And it's sort of like making myself wrong and punishing myself for being a good person, but then not being cynical at the same time. It's just sort of a crazy thing. And I think your talk just helps me get beyond that, like to look beyond all these things. And so thank you very much for today. Thank you very much for your comments. I know that in my practice, there are times when I think, oh, my gosh, I need to sit up straighter. My shoulders are slumping forward.

[54:29]

I'm not looking so good. Or, well, I'm kind of fidgeting and that person next to me isn't. And, you know, so it's driven me in many respects to to try to be a better Zen student. But I know then there was a year and a half period when shelter in place was declared, I left the temple and went to a home I have over in West Marin. So I was on Zoom for a year and a half and my discipline just totally went to hell, you know, because, you know, I realized, oh, I don't even have to have my camera on. So the abbot's not going to see me twitching and wiggling. Although somehow he knows. But yeah, so I went to the opposite extreme, you know, and I don't even need to sit up. I can lay down, you know. And.

[55:32]

Well, you know, it helps my experience. can benefit others, yes. And, you know, anyway, so I went kind of to the opposite extreme. And, Shirley, you're really right. Neither one totally works. You know, it's the middle path. And, yeah, we need to take care of ourselves. And it's wonderful to have the inspiration and the experience of being in a sangha. literally and figuratively for the support of it. So it's learning what works for us and being compassionate to ourselves. Thank you for your comments. Thank you so much. We have Francoise.

[56:36]

Hi. I've really appreciated your story about the spoons in the drawer because I think that's something like everybody, I mean, that's something I go through every day pretty much. But I'm wondering what your thoughts are on, and I understand like the bringing practice into it, but what about when something's repetitively challenging you? You know, it's like, Is the practice in just bringing ourselves, you know, into a more neutral place or is it discussing with people how we feel? Does that make sense? Yes, very much so. Thank you for that question. I think there's a variety of things and I don't think there's one response, definitely not one perfect response. And I think the response to, for me, that silverware drawer, whatever it might be for you, changes, as I mentioned.

[57:41]

So speaking with other people and letting them know, hey, I'm going through this. Do you have any ideas or do you have any common experience with that? Can be very helpful. Sometimes just being really pissed off and uptight can be beneficial. Not immediately, but I have to learn, okay, I can be angry, and that's not all bad, but I don't have to spread my anger. I don't have to take it out on other people. I don't even have to take it out on myself. I can work to accept whatever that feeling is that's going on. So there's a variety of responses, and I don't think any one of them is better necessarily than another. AND I THINK THEY ALL OFFER AN OPPORTUNITY TO PERHAPS GROW AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO SEE, OH, THIS IS NOT MY TRUE NATURE, THIS IS NOT MY BUDDHA NATURE, AND PERHAPS I CAN TRY SOMETHING ELSE TOMORROW.

[58:52]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. OKAY. WE'VE REACHED. our bedtime and turned into a pumpkin. So we will offer the closing chant and finish. is is

[60:02]

Thank you.

[60:07]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_96.98