This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Hi. Thank you, everyone. Thank you for that welcoming invitation and for... reading and introducing me. Thank you, Abbott. And thank you to all the senior teachers and all those who work very hard to keep this temple going, whether there's 100 people or 20. So that's what I love about it because there is a baseline of work to be done. So I thought I'd start out with a poem and then a little bit of talking and then I'd like to engage, you know, with you and see what you have to say, what's on your heart, what's on your mind and how we might together bring forth and express the Takata's words.

[01:23]

So, I have this poem I've been reading. It's the third time I want to read it. And every time I read it, I wonder what it means. I wrote it. But I wonder what it means. I still wonder what it means. It's called What We Intended. What We Intended. The first title was No Hate. Changed it to What We Intended. What We Intended was love. Without any direction, we still intended to love ourselves. To love those who hate, if only to test love. We tended to the effort, not knowing love. If what we intended was love, and it turned out to be some kind of mistake,

[02:26]

We tried again, despite ending up still on the other side, shouting, You don't understand. It's not that I hate you. I intended to love you without knowing how to. What we intended was a love fest that ended up a protest, a rally of love. since love could not be felt in silence or through the disappointment at you, not knowing, not caring, that what was intended was love. We could go on babbling to recover the language of love, to recover our breathing, to recover sanity, to rescue love, All this intending to what we intended, which was to love the enemy so that the enemy would know how it felt to be loved.

[03:38]

Had we not tried to love in such a way, deep in the lie that there was a bit of hate in such love, there would be nothing left of us. And what we intended would be lost forever. I always tell people how much I love this practice, how much I love Zen, and how joyful it makes me. You know, it's a personal joy, but I think it was transmitted by my late teacher, Zenke Blanche Hartman. And I really am an expression of her joy of the practice and how I learned to watch her just rushing down to sit zazen, how excited she was every morning, even when she barely could get there and then barely get back to her room.

[04:52]

And how ceremonies would happen, and she would be running down the stairs for the ceremony, running to greet all the new people, no matter who they were, always pulling out the person who was quiet in the corner. She would pull them out to talk to them and introduce themselves. And when my sister came to my ordination... There was Blanche talking in her ear. What is going on over there? It was a surprise to me. But my sister was smiling and laughing. And she's not the type. And she was in a very strange place. So that just gives you an idea of what Blanche can do. What she could do when she was here. So I'm going to ask you a question before I continue. And we're going to hold that question and you don't have to answer it. But I think it's always good to have an inquiry of what you're doing, what your actions are.

[05:53]

You know, what's the motivation behind what you do? And so I wasn't seeking love or seeking joy in the practice. But exploring and to look at what is this life and why... There is so much suffering, so much chaos in my own life and collectively in the world. And that's always been my question ever since I was four years old. So it hasn't changed. And I keep writing book after book after book, trying to figure it out, really. You know, it's my writing's an inquiry, you know. And so I was wondering if we could all just hold that this evening and is do you trust what your actions, do you trust this practice to be effective to impact the larger society, to impact your life, your family, your community, and do you trust it? And then if not, it's okay.

[06:56]

You know, where are you in it? And what brings you here? What keeps you here? And What was your yes when you came into the door? And what is your yes now? So that's just various ways of the same question, just in case the first one didn't make sense. So today I'm here in San Francisco. I live in New Mexico now. And I actually forgot to let Zimbola know I'm online, but I guess you'll have to hear the recording. I ask you to place in Wallace Schultz's name, if it has been done already, on your well-being list and chant the M.A. Juca Canano for her. And she's gravely ill. But yet, she just keeps going. She's a trooper. She's a real trooper. I'm learning a lot being with her. And we're both in New Mexico. We live in two different casitas right now.

[08:00]

But it's been... Quite a journey. And my practice is coming through all the time, every day, just witnessing. And it's not my first time witnessing someone very ill, but this one feels really different. And I really can't talk about the details quite yet because it's so present, you know, and my heart's so full to go there where I just might as well wrap it up and go to my room. So I am really going to hold that for the time when it's supposed to come. And maybe it's tonight, maybe it's not. Anyway, I'm here for a sewing sashim. We were invited, still breathing Zen Sangha. That has been going on in various phases over the years. Some of you were at the grand opening. That was when we had a center on MacArthur. And so it's gone through many phases, but it's still there. It's still strong. We're still doing... Zen ceremonies and chanting and bowing and doing all the things that any Zen sinner would do.

[09:08]

So the Sashin was a gift, definitely a gift to us. The plan is to ordain five people in the Still Breathing Zen Sangha. And that's a lot of people all at once. But I said in some countries they ordained 3,000 all at once. all at once. Not that I would do that, because our ceremonies are so unique, so different, and even five is quite a bit, but I'm very excited about it. And the ordination, both Zike, Zike is how you say the, Le Tukado, and then Shuke Tukado, priests, ordination are, to me, the reasons why I wear a brown robe, why I accepted Dharma transmission. It took me a while to know why, because I tried to disrobe right away.

[10:12]

But when I did my first Jukai, I realized the reason and the motivation was much larger than myself. I am glad to be able to stand at the gateway of liberation and transformation and healing. I love standing at that gateway and being there for those who are willing to step through and do the hard work. And there are quite a few of us, right, that are willing to do that. And so I'm really happy to be able to do that for five people soon. Now, the sashim are something I really love. Sehim, seh, touching, and shim, touching the heart, touching the heart-mind. I would just, like, long for them. I still long for them. And so I'm really glad to be able to slow down, turn in, find the original stillness of

[11:16]

of being a human being and the reverence of being a human being and to cultivate it by breath, you know, day after day. We're doing stitch after stitch in the sewing sashim. Sashim also means to come home, you know, to come home. And, you know, coming home to oneself. So coming back to city center, my home temple, is really wonderful. And to come to a sashim, which is to come home within myself, is a wonderful and exciting moment for me right now. And so when I say come home, I'm wondering what comes to your mind, you know, for you. You know, when I say to come home, to come home to what? Where? Why? And what does that look like?

[12:18]

What does that look like? If it's not there, why not? You know, or not even why not? What is it that you may be seeking? More so, what you may be seeking and what you have lost maybe along the way around all... So that's another question to hold. So now we have to have one to at least two or three to engage. So one was, you know, do you trust this practice? Can you come home when the world pulls you here, there, here, and there? And we're being pulled like crazy, you know, if we are not rooted, but there are... huge, huge opportunities of distraction right now. But they're also opportunities of life.

[13:21]

So they're not just distractions or disruptions. Something is calling us. Something is calling all of us. And we've been being called for many, many centuries. And to wake up to that call for me, has been to do this practice. It has enabled me to stay alive, just basically stay alive so that I could be here, enable me to sit before you, and even if I tremble, I still can speak to you, because speaking is not my favorite thing. I prefer writing, as you can tell. And I often tell people just read the book, but that doesn't work. So, you know, you only can get so much out of this paper. Anyway, the sashim to me is that practice of serenity.

[14:25]

And in my practice of serenity, I'm able to address what is happening in the world, my world, my inner world, and the world around me. So oftentimes if I, well, oftentimes I am very distressed about what's going on, anger and rage, dumbfounded mostly these days and stunned by some of the things that are going on. And I think in some way that's a good thing because I haven't been stunned. You know, it's like I'm coming into some true place of soberness that I know is there, but really looking at it all the time. You know, the Roe versus Wade, Brittany Griner being given nine year. I mean, we can just keep going. There's just a list all the time, right, of things going on.

[15:30]

Can you trust that this practice, has something to do with what's going on. And by doing the practice. Because often what I find is we move away from the medicine we gather. We have these big baskets of medicine. Some of us have more than Zen in that basket. And so we gather baskets. But when the things come, we're like we put the basket down and off we go somewhere in the medicine basket you've been collecting for 20 years. It's And so can we trust that the person, the human being, our existence can be used for liberation, transformation, and healing. And that way we're all at the gateway. You don't have to have a brown robe to be at the gateway. We're all at the gateway. And that way for those who want to come in.

[16:32]

those who want to engage in a different way. And I'm not necessarily promoting religion or spirituality either because we have to look at these things too all the time. And we have to always ask the question, are we addressing life and engaging in life? We have to constantly ask questions about the path we're walking on. Where am I? Why am I here? And where am I going? You know, just always asking. As much as I said I enjoy Zen, I'm always asking the question, what is it that you are doing? Zen Jew earthly manual. And there's hardly ever an answer. Hardly ever an answer. And that's good. That's good. And the inquiry is good. And I do feel... that my being, my wanting to walk a path, doesn't have to be Zen, I think, you know, I fell into Zen, fell into Buddhism.

[17:44]

Started with Nishran for 15 years and now Zen 20 more and I still need 20 more. So just to walk in that way and to walk with others who are willing to walk A lot of bodhisattvas are here right now, and a lot of bodhisattvas are out there. You know, they're everywhere. And I want to be with the bodhisattvas, those who are looking to ease suffering, not only for oneself, but for the world and for everyone. But having a clear understanding of how we're doing that, what are we intending in all that we do? What are we intending? And is that just enough? Is that just enough? I think it's important on one's path

[19:00]

I remember I used to visit this woman. She is now past. And I don't know why this happens in my life. But a lot of people come to me who are mediums or seers, like they could see and they're, you know, psychic. It just happens for me. So this woman I have been seeing for 20 years. And when I got back from Tassajara, she had died. But before I went to, I didn't even know she was sick. But before I went to Tassajara, I told her I was going to this place, you know, trying to describe it. And she said, that is so wonderful that you are willing to take time out of your life to go and thank God for your life. And I was like, well, okay, there's no God there, but okay. It was like, did I say something wrong? But... then I accepted it. And it is that, is to go and, and God is love, to go and be just still in gratitude, be still in chaos, be still in trying to understand, to be still breathing, to just be still.

[20:21]

And to close the world out for that moment. So that not to stay there, but so that whatever wisdom that is coming up in me, that it could be shared rather than wisdom imposed or knowledge imposed or someone else's whatever imposed upon me, which has been, you know, a way of life. Right. Parents, you know, your community, maybe me being of this particular race. a lot of things get imposed upon everyone. And so it's hard to find ourselves in there. Where are you? Where are you and what you think and what you say and what you tell people? Where are you? And why do you say what you say and do what you do? You know, that's what's in practice. Those are the questions in practice has brought to me. And so when wisdom comes through,

[21:25]

you know, for me in the stillness, in the sashin, in the sed, tachin, chin, my heart, and going home, you know, there's a lot of revelation and realization in it. And when I came in to Buddhism, I was well-read, so I could probably talk about everything. And I did. But when... At this juncture on the path, I'm not at the end of anything. At this juncture on the path, I can hear myself. I can hear Dogen right now, even though I'm not talking about Dogen. I can feel that the teachings that have sunk into me, and then I can speak it without speaking about Dogen Zenji. And for those who are with us, Dogen Zenji,

[22:26]

and don't know him, he was founder of Soto Zen, which is the lineage we are practicing here at San Francisco Zen Center in many places all over the country and world. So I think that that kind of seamless life between the teachings and one's own wisdom is important. And for that to come forth takes a great amount of stillness and a great amount of listening. And a great amount of questioning your own certainty. I know you know about that, you know, with Suzuki Roshi's book of Beginner's Mind. Beginner's Mind. He always talks about the experts. How many experts in the room? Tells all about sin. Yeah. Hope not. So... I really practice, try to practice beginner's mind and ask the questions.

[23:30]

And I play around with the words, right, because I write the book. But that's what I'm doing, playing around, exploring, sharing, stimulating, you know, and to germinate a dialogue in which all paradigms cross, all religion, all spirituality, because we're now at that time. The separate way of Christianity or Buddhism or Islam that we know is not separate, but to really come together and to integrate. Now we're at the place of integration and can we? But how do I know we're at the place of integration? Because everything's so separate. The way we talk and speak is so polarized. And that polarization to me in this world is getting us to look at what places might we come together as living beings, you know, to see there's a fight in every movement today.

[24:38]

You know, there's doubt, there's fear, rage and anger. So I do want to engage, and I don't know. I never bring a watch because I don't wear one, and I don't really look at the time too much. I kind of watch the sun, the moonlight these days. Must be five. Okay, good. This is a good time to break. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[25:35]

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