Thank you. Good evening, everyone. For those of you who may not know me, my name is Tenson David Drummond, and I'm the bodyguard here at Begner's Mindful Sonoma City Center. And it's my delight and honor to welcome to introduce our Dharma speaker this evening. Let's just send to Earthman Emanuel, PhD. So Zenji was here at City Center in 2012 with also former Avis, Kiku, Christina Lander.

[20:16]

And in the last 10 years, Zenju has been a prolific author, including the following books, The Deepest Peace, Contemplations from a Season of Stillness, The Way of Tenderness, Awakening Through Race, Sexuality, Tell Me Something About Buddhism, which includes poetry and illustrations by Zenju. Zenju is also a wonderful poet. And her latest publication is The Shamanic Bones of Zen, Revealing the Incentral Spirit and Mystical Heart of a Sacred Tradition. And in addition, she's contributed to a number of other books, including Dharma, Color, and Culture, Voices from the Western Buddhist Teachers of Color, and as well as The Hidden Lamp, Stories from 25 Centuries of Awakened Women. And not only that, She also compiled a collection of teachings from Zenki Blanche Hartman, which is entitled Seeds for a Balanced Life.

[21:23]

So, Zenji, welcome back again to The Beginners of Mind Temple. It's a joy to have you present here once more. Thank you. Okay, I think we got it. Okay. All right.

[22:26]

Is it okay on the technical side? All right. Good thing Buddha's not here today. We're having a difficult time. Thank you, everyone. Thank you for that. welcome invitation and for um reading and introducing me thank you Abbott and thank you to all the senior teachers and Tonto and Eno and all those who work very hard to keep this temple going whether there's 100 people or 20. So that's what I love about it because there is a baseline of work to be done. So I thought I'd start out with a poem and then a little bit of talking and then I'd like to engage, you know, with you and see what you have to say, what's on your heart, what's on your mind and how we might together bring forth and express the Takata's words.

[23:44]

So I have this poem I've been reading. It's the third time I'm going to read it. Every time I read it, I wonder what it means. I wrote it. But I wonder what it means. I still wonder what it means. It's called What We Intended. What We Intended. The first title was No Hate. Changed it to What We Intended. What we intended was love. Without any direction, we still intended to love ourselves. To love those who hate, if only to test love. We tended to the effort, not knowing love. If what we intended was love, And it turned out to be some kind of mistake.

[24:46]

We tried again, despite ending up still on the other side, shouting. You don't understand. It's not that I hate you. I intended to love you. Without knowing how to. What we intended was a love fest. That ended up protest. a rally of love, since love could not be felt in silence or through the disappointment at you, not knowing, not caring that what was intended was love. We could go on babbling to recover the language of love, to recover our breathing, to recover sanity, to rescue love, all this intending to what we intended, which was to love the enemy so that the enemy would know how it felt to be loved.

[26:02]

Had we not tried to love in such a way, deep in the lie that there was a bit of hate in such love, There would be nothing left of us. And what we intended would be lost forever. I always tell people how much I love this practice, how much I love Zen, and how joyful it makes me. You know, it's a personal joy, but I think it was transmitted by my late teacher, Zenke Blanche Hartman. And I really am an expression of her joy of the practice and how I learned to watch her just rushing down to sit zazen, how excited she was every morning, even when she barely could get there and then barely get back to her room.

[27:13]

And how ceremonies would happen, and she would be running down the stairs for the ceremony, running to greet all the new people, no matter who they were, always pulling out the person who was quiet in the corner. She would pull them out to talk to them and introduce themselves. And when my sister came to my ordination, There was Blanche talking in her ear, like, what is going on over there? It was a surprise to me. But my sister was smiling and laughing, and she's not the type. And she was in a very strange place. So that just gives you an idea of what Blanche can do, what she could do when she was here. So I'm going to ask you a question before I continue. And we're going to hold that question and you don't have to answer it. But I think it's always good to have an inquiry of what you're doing, what your actions are.

[28:14]

You know, what's the motivation behind what you do? And so I wasn't seeking love or seeking joy in the practice. But exploring and to look at what is this life and why. There is so much suffering, so much chaos in my own life and collectively in the world. And that's always been my question ever since I was four years old. So it hasn't changed. And I keep writing book after book, trying to figure it out, really. You know, it's my writing's an inquiry, you know. And so I was wondering if we could all just hold that this evening. is do you trust what your actions, do you trust this practice to be effective to impact the larger society, to impact your life, your family, your community, and do you trust it? And then if not, it's okay.

[29:17]

You know, where are you in it? And what brings you here? What keeps you here? And What was your yes when you came into the door? And what is your yes now? So that's just various ways of the same question, just in case the first one didn't make sense. So today I'm here in San Francisco. I live in New Mexico now. I actually forgot to let Simboala know I'm online, but I guess you'll have to hear the recording. I ask you to place Simboala Schultz's name if it has been done already on your well-being list and chant the MA for her. And she's gravely ill, but yet she just keeps going. She's a trooper. She's a real trooper. I'm learning a lot. with her. And we're both in New Mexico. We live in two different casitas right now, but it's been quite a journey.

[30:23]

And my practice is coming through all the time, every day, just witnessing. And it's not my first time witnessing someone very ill, but this one feels really different and I really can't talk about the details quite yet because it's so present. You know, and my heart's so full to go there, but I just might as well wrap it up and go to my room. So I am really going to hold that for the time when it's supposed to come. And maybe it's tonight, maybe it's not. Anyway, I'm here for a sewing sashim. We were invited, still breathing Zen Sangha that has been going on in various phases. Over the years, some of you were at the grand opening. That was when we had a center on MacArthur. And so it's gone through many phases, but it's still there. It's still strong. We're still doing Zen ceremonies and chanting and bowing and doing all the things that any Zen center would do.

[31:28]

So the Sashin was a gift, a definite gift to us. The plan is to ordain five people in the Still Breathing Zen Sangha, and that's a lot of people all at once, but I said in some countries they ordain 3,000 all at once. Not that I would do that, because our ceremonies are so unique, so different, and even five is quite a bit, but I'm very excited about it. both zaike, zaike is that how you say, the lay tukado and then shuke tukado priest ordination are to me the reasons why I wear a brown robe, why I accepted Dharma transmission. It took me a while to know why, because I tried to disrobe right away, but...

[32:34]

When I did my first Jukai, I realized the reason and the motivation was much larger than myself. I am glad to be able to stand at the gateway of liberation and transformation and healing. I love standing at that gateway and being there for those who are willing to step through and do the hard work. And there are quite a few of us, right? that are willing to do that. And so I'm really happy to be able to do that for five people soon. Now, the sishin are something I really love. Se shin, se touching and shin touching the heart, touching the heart mind. I would just like long for them. I still long for them. And so I'm really glad to be able to slow down, turn in, find the original stillness of being a human being and the reverence of being a human being and to cultivate it by breath, you know, day after day.

[33:48]

We're doing stitch after stitch in the sewing sashim. Sashim also means to come home, you know, to come home. And, you know, coming home to oneself. So coming back to city center, my home temple, is really wonderful. And to come to a sashim, which is to come home within myself, is a wonderful and exciting moment for me right now. And so when I say come home, I'm wondering what comes to your mind, you know, for you, you know, when I say to come home, to come home. to what, where, why, and what does that look like? What does that look like? And if it's not there, why not? Or not even why not? What is it that you may be seeking more so?

[34:52]

What you may be seeking in home? What you have lost maybe along the way around home? So that's another question to hold. So now we have to have one to at least two or three to engage. So one was, you know, do you trust this practice? Can you come home when the world pulls you here, there, here and there? And we're being pulled like crazy. You know, if we are not rooted, but there are. huge, huge opportunities of distraction right now. But they're also opportunities of life. So they're not just distractions or disruptions. Something is calling us. Something is calling all of us. And we've been being called for many, many centuries.

[35:54]

And to wake up to that call for me, has been to do this practice. It has enabled me to stay alive, just basically stay alive so that I could be here, enable me to sit before you. And even if I tremble, I still can speak to you because speaking is not my favorite thing. I prefer writing, as you can tell. And I often tell people just read the book, but that doesn't work. So, you know, you only can get so much on a piece of paper. Anyway, the sashim to me is that practice of serenity. And in my practice of serenity, I'm able to address what is happening in the world, my world, my inner world, and the world around me.

[37:01]

So oftentimes if I, well, oftentimes I am very distressed about what's going on, anger and rage, dumbfounded mostly these days and stunned by some of the things that are going on. And I think in some way that's a good thing because I haven't been stunned. You know, it's like I'm coming into some true place of soberness that I know is there, but really looking at it all the time. You know, the Roe versus Wade, Brittany Griner being given nine year. I mean, we can just keep going. There's just a list all the time, right, of things going on. Can you trust that this practice? has something to do with what's going on and by doing the practice. Because often what I find is we move away from the medicine we gather.

[38:08]

We have these big baskets of medicine. Some of us have more than Zen in that basket. And so we got our baskets, but when the things come, we're like we put the basket down and off we go somewhere in the medicine basket you've been collecting for 20 years. sitting there. And so can we trust that the person, the human being, our existence can be used for liberation, transformation, and healing. And that way we're all at the gateway. You don't have to have a brown robe to be at the gateway. We're all at the gateway in that way for those who want to come in. those who want to engage in a different way. And I'm not necessarily promoting religion or spirituality either because we have to look at these things too all the time. And we have to always ask the question, are we addressing life and then engaging in life?

[39:13]

We have to constantly ask questions about the path we're walking on. Where am I? Why am I here? And where am I going? You know, just always asking. As much as I said I enjoy Zen, I'm always asking the question, what is it that you are doing? Zen Jew earthly manual. And there's hardly ever an answer. Hardly ever an answer. And that's good. That's good. And the inquiry is good. And I do feel That my being, my wanting to walk a path, doesn't have to be Zen. I think, you know, I fell into Zen, fell into Buddhism. Started with Nishran for 15 years and now Zen 20 more. And I still need 20 more. So just to walk in that way and to walk with others.

[40:20]

who are willing. A lot of bodhisattvas are here right now, and a lot of bodhisattvas are out there. You know, they're everywhere. And I want to be with the bodhisattvas, those who are looking to ease suffering, not only for oneself, but for the world and for everyone. But having a clear understanding of how we're doing that, what are we intending? in all that we do, what are we intending? And is that just enough? Is that just enough? I think it's important on one's path.

[41:21]

I remember I used to visit this woman. She is now past. And I don't know why this happens in my life. But a lot of people come to me who are mediums, are seers, like they could see and they're, you know, psychic. It just happens for me. So this woman I have been seeing for 20 years. And when I got back from Tassajara, she had died. But before I went to, I didn't even know she was sick. But before I went to Tassajara, I told her I was going to this place, you know, trying to describe it. And she said, that is so wonderful that you are willing to take time out of your life to go and thank God for your life. And I was like, well, okay, there's no God there, but okay. It was like, did I say something wrong? But then I accepted it. And it is that, is to go and, and God is love, to go and be just still in gratitude, be still in chaos, be still in trying to understand, to be still breathing, to just be still.

[42:42]

And to close the world out for that moment so that not to stay there, but so that whatever wisdom that is coming up in me, that it could be shared rather than wisdom imposed or knowledge imposed or someone else's whatever imposed upon me, which has been, you know, a way of life, right? Parents, you know, your community maybe. me being of this particular race, a lot of things get imposed upon everyone. And so it's hard to find ourselves in there. Where are you? Where are you and what you think and what you say and what you tell people? Where are you? And why do you say what you say and do what you do? You know, that's what's in practice. Those are the questions in practice has brought to me. And so when wisdom comes through, you know, for me in the stillness, in the sashin, in the set, touching, shin, my heart, and going home, you know, there's a lot of revelation and realization in it.

[44:03]

And when I came in to Buddhism, I would... well-read, so I could probably talk about everything. And I did. But when at this juncture on the path, because I'm not at the end of anything, at this juncture on the path, I can hear myself. I can hear Dogen right now, even though I'm not talking about Dogen. I can feel that the teachings that has sunk into me. And then I can speak it without speaking about Dogen Zenji. And for those who are with us, Dogen Zenji and don't know him, he is founder of Soto Zen, which is the lineage we are practicing here at San Francisco Zen Center in many places all over the country and world. So I think that that kind of seamless life between

[45:06]

the teachings and one's own wisdom is important and for that to come forth takes a great amount of stillness and a great amount of listening and a great amount of questioning your own certainty i know you know about that you know with um tazuki roshi's book of beginner's mind beginner's mind he always talks about the experts How many experts in the room? Tell us all about sin. Yeah. Hope not. So I really practice, try to practice beginner's mind and ask the questions. And I play around with the words, right? Because I write the book. But that's what I'm doing, playing around, exploring, sharing, stimulating. And I want to germinate a dialogue in which all paradigms cross, all religion, all spirituality, because we're now at that time, the separate way of Christianity or Buddhism or Islam that we know is not separate, but to really come together and to integrate.

[46:28]

Now we're at the place of integration and can we? But how do I know we're at the place of integration? Because everything's so separate. The way we talk and speak is so polarized. And that polarization to me in this world is getting us to look at what places might we come together as living beings to see. There's a fight in every movement today. There's doubt, there's fear, rage and anger. So I do want to engage and I don't know, I never bring a watch because I don't wear one and I don't really look at the time too much. I kind of watch the sun and the moon these days. Must be five. Okay, good. This is a good time to break.

[47:29]

Thank you. Press the button. Okay. I don't want to start anything. One time I brought my phone and I think that was at Green Gulch and Siri started talking. She took over. What was that you said? I've never done that again. So I want us to engage. What pulls you? I've asked a lot of questions. What pulls you to the outside and keeps you out there, you know, away from your direct experience of yourself? You know, do you trust? Do you trust? Do you trust? Even if you don't trust, do you explore? Let's leave the word trust out.

[48:31]

Do you explore? SO I'M OPEN TO QUESTIONS, AND IF THIS IS, NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW, ARE INTERESTING TO YOU, I'M OPEN TO ENGAGE WHERE YOU ARE INTERESTED. WE HAVE THE MICROPHONE TO PASS AROUND AND ALSO THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE ONLINE. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I KEEP REGIDING. IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION, RAISE YOUR HAND AND WAIT FOR THE MICROPHONE. And I want to thank those who are online as well. New way of being. And hello. Hi, Shirley. We should be able to hear you. Okay. Great. Thank you so much for the opening. The poem was so beautiful. And your questions are intriguing.

[49:35]

And the question I wanted to answer was about... where you asked if I trust the practice. And I would say that I do because I came in around mid-May. I do martial arts. And I also, I think like as a person, like ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to experience life in its fullness and not cut up with other people's concepts. And so I think, especially in May with the martial arts, like I have a work injury I've been dealing with for over a year. And there's one person who's sort of been a continual thorn. And I went to the original San Francisco dojo that I first trained with and ended up pulling on the wrist.

[50:36]

Yeah. You know, my arms started swelling up and I got very angry. And so not getting the reaction or the response that I expected, like this is wrong. I just like in my heart, I just went into a fire. Like, how come something that's already at its face so wrong? Like, how can it not be taken care of the way that I think it should be taken care of? And then just seeing like all around in my life, the things that I wanted things the way that I wanted it to be because I'm a good person. And seeing that it wasn't happening, I just felt like there was fire all around me. All I could see was where do I go? Because what I'm doing right now is not working in my life. I'm just getting more angry and more upset. And I thought about Zen Center. And so I started coming to the online meditations and the talks, and it's just been great because I realized that I operate from a concept, from concepts.

[51:48]

And on one of the Dharma talks, I realized that I'm part of a larger collective. And a lot of times my own resistance contributes to the problem, but I don't think of it as that because I think... there's a solution to this problem and this is how it should be. But that complaint is similar to the complaint that's out in the world at large. Like people seem to have their vision of how it should be, but there's a larger collective of we all share the space together. How can we live together harmoniously? And Zen has really, showed me the way beyond myself to be in my experience, but also to see the larger picture so that I'm not just caught up in it. Okay. All right. I think I understand what you're offering. And we are always together.

[52:56]

We are always interrelated. we don't have the power really we think we do. It's in our minds that we are separate. So we're always interrelated. And that interrelation doesn't always feel good. It's not always, like you said, the way you would like it to be. And that's any relationship. It's never quite what we want it to be. And then sometimes it is. Sometimes it's, oh, that's just how I like it. And so we're here. I feel for me, I'm here on this planet at this time to understand this interrelationship between all things. And I didn't use those words before I came to Zen. I probably would have said, I want to understand. You know, for myself, I would say I want to understand why I feel like I'm on the outside.

[53:57]

That's how I would say it before I came to Zen. And then after I learned more about the nature of life, the nature of being here and our interrelationship and how we all got here through interrelationship and we remain in interrelationship while we're here. I know this. I began to see, one, life is grander and bigger than I thought it was, not just me on the outside. And then this idea of me on the outside coming from rejection, discrimination, all kinds of things. Maybe... could even be placed in the family, you know, what I had to do or didn't do or what happened to me there. So, so many things shaped this. I'm going to just go in the corner and be with myself.

[55:00]

So for many, many years, I would say most of my life, I like would say, I never want to be in a community. I would say that I don't want to be in one. And I think around, you know, In my 40s, when I started writing, well, I started writing when I was eight, but I mean, actually publishing, writing something that was going to go out into the world. I started realizing that I had everything that was happening to me, I had done to my own life in some way. Even though those things, those things continue to happen, the discrimination and rejection daily, 365 days a week, a year. 24-7 happened to me all the time. So can you imagine a life like that? You're constantly discriminated. So was I going to step off the planet or learn how to engage and use such disruption and confusion and chaos in my life to see into the nature of a human being and understand the affliction is within us all?

[56:15]

It's in everyone's story. The same afflictions in everyone's story. Everyone's story. And then I suddenly felt like, oh yeah, I could be in a community of people with afflictions. And that was really an important turning point in my life. And we want to resolve. We want to end things. And I think That desire is, you know, we want to change things. We want solutions. That's quite natural, I think. It's like, you know, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't? But then we're learning how that comes about and how it may not come about or how we don't know if it's coming about or not. Because in the moment where it's not working the way we want, We don't know if it's still working. Like right now, maybe how we want to see society is actually being, is happening.

[57:21]

We just can't see it yet. What if it's already happening? We just have to wait for it. Wait for it, wait for it. You know how they say in some of those videos. Wait for the end. And so we don't know until the time comes. We don't really know the details of all the stories that we hear and that are told to us and why they're told to us and the timing they're told to us and which ones are told and which ones are not told. You know, there's so much involved. So this is why I love Sesshin, where you can be in stillness and to be able to take on the vastness of life because it's very vast. It is like swimming in the ocean and not knowing when a storm's coming and you're just out there swimming, you know. And so I think it's important to have some place, you know, some path, some refuge in which you can go to.

[58:29]

It doesn't have to be religious. It doesn't have to be spiritual. That works for me. It doesn't. It could be drumming. You said you did martial arts. It could be that place you are home and then you explore that. Because then we get there and go, this doesn't feel like home. So you're constantly exploring what home is. You know, what is home? I have an answer. I always have a response. I'll write a book about it. I think for me, the response is, and this is the first, is that when I return to my heart, to my heart, I'm home. And if I'm home there, then I can go places. I can engage others. I can be just in that place. And this is why I love the Heart Sutra, right? You know, I love the offer of compassion and wisdom.

[59:35]

Sounds nice and flowery. But it's real. You have to have the energy for it. You know, it's real. The energy to be able to engage with wisdom and compassion. And that doesn't mean you have to go out and, you know, love everybody. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is to not see yourself so distinct from others. You know, to And not to see each other as same either. That's another kind of can get us in a, you know, place of suffering. But to just understand that the human nature is human nature. And some of us are affected by particular things that happen in society. You know, maybe more than others and maybe less. I don't know. I think is important, too, when things happen.

[60:39]

I've been really sitting with this whole story on Brittany Griner, and I don't know if you all know about that, but, you know, you can all Google it. It's so much bigger happening there to me, and it's so much even bigger than our human... nature and shape of who we are. And I'm trying to, I can't grasp it, it's so big to me. But it's, we have a name for it now, her name, their name. And I'm looking at the title of this, what is it that is happening to, when it's happening Brittany Griner is happening to the world, right? It's happening to the world.

[61:40]

What is happening to the world is related to everything else. What's happening with her, we can go on and on about the conditions that got her there. And then we step over here and talk about Roe versus Wade. It's all the same thing. I know it is. I just can't grasp onto it. Maybe it's not for me to grasp. I could put it on some people, put it on some particular consciousnesses around the world, say, oh, those people think like that. I could do that. And then turn right around and find somebody thinking like that. That's not who I didn't think thought like that. So I think it's important to just take that time and not even want anything of our practices, want anything of our religions. our spiritual path or martial arts path to to go in and to still have this primal need to get something out of it separates us too you know makes it difficult to see because you're too busy in this very narrow primal feeding oneself your own you know ideas yeah

[63:02]

So questions in the room, take one. Thank you. Thank you. Or online, either way. you asked us to think about trust, trust in the practice, and kind of more of a general, it's trust in the world. And I feel like I lack a lot of trust. And then you were like, but not even trust, maybe exploration. And I'm curious, tell me more about exploration as I feel like I don't have much trust. Well, that would be... See, you have a definitive idea that you don't have any trust, but there's some... Then what's there?

[64:11]

What is there? When you say what you don't have, what is there? What is there? What is the whole view of the situation of life? You know, so... If you don't have trust and you have something, you have this or you're looking at, you know, so really exploring it, you know, and trying to not necessarily find an answer. But the exploration, I would like it. There's another poem I have about blowing, being blown out the window. Like when you find, you know, that wisdom is just just it's so spellbinding or you know, earth-shaking, that you're beyond battling in your mind, trust exploration, trust exploration. So what I want to do here is invite people to not even hang on. That's why I went to exploration, because you could hang on to that and work that into a dissertation.

[65:17]

And you can work exploration into one as well. But to just take these questions as like germinating something else. You can start there and see tomorrow what gets germinated, you know, and just keep walking with it and walking with it and walking with it until, to me, this is how I have learned through Sashin, actually, to allow things to come and appear to me and to explore more. because there's no answer, there's no end. So you really have to enjoy the exploration and the discovery. And if you really enjoy more of the result, I think our achievement, our accomplishment, you know, you lose interest in a life like that. You know, it's very, you know, dependent upon, right?

[66:18]

Something else, something other than you, you know, so. It's taken a lot of years for me to come to that. I don't know if I've accomplished anything. Yeah. Thank you. That's what I'm looking at. All right. Thank you. This has been a wonderful evening. It's in the middle of the week, so I know everyone has been working all day.

[67:19]

And what I wish for you now is a night of ease and repose. Let your mind just do its thing. laugh at it that's what i say i have a lot of laughs of what's in my mind but thank you thank you for listening uh here in the room and online thank you very much and uh i look forward to probably engaging you again someplace else or maybe here okay Thank you. is

[68:49]

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