This podcast is offered by the I'm shocked that I live in this city. I'm shocked that the life that I have has allowed me to come here. I grew up in a very, very conservative city in Alberta, Canada. And I never...

[01:01]

ever imagined that I would live in San Francisco. Although I read stories where this was the setting. I saw shows where the Golden Gate Bridge featured and people would be driving over the bridge. And it was a place for me and my friends that was kind of like a dream for queer people. I came out to my parents when I was 18. And my mother said, oh Mary, we know. But for me, that coming out was astounding because I honestly worried that their reaction would be, get out of the house. And it wasn't because of them. It was because of me. So I... I... I had friends in university.

[02:02]

I started thinking of myself as a lesbian. I started pointing myself in a direction that allowed me to be comfortable with the idea that I would never marry, that I would probably never have children. that I, in that setting, could lose my job if I told anybody that I was queer. So it was at a time in the culture where it was kind of okay to be queer and it was kind of not okay to be queer. And the language was uncertain around it. The behavior was a little uncertain around it. I remember... The first time I ever went into a gay bar, I was terrified.

[03:03]

And this very, very tough woman in a leather vest and plaid shirt came up to me and said, hey, you want to dance? And I freaked out and ran to the bathroom. And in the bathroom, there was another lesbian who was pulling the toilet off the ground because she was so mad. And then I left the bathroom because that was a freaking situation. And I just didn't know what to do, you know. So it was exciting and a little bit nervous-making. Personally, not unsafe, but not exactly safe. Fast forward 30 years. I live here. I'm now married to a lovely woman. I live in a place, work in a place where being a lesbian is probably a non-issue, which is still remarkable to me.

[04:11]

I dress in this weird combination of men's clothes and women's clothes because I'm of a size that both fit me and I can wear a tie if I want to. And nobody seems to give a second glance at that. When I walk down the street, I can go arm-in-arm with Aaron, and it doesn't cause people to look twice. And I wear my hair typically pretty short. When I leave this city, maybe leave Northern California, I often get called, sir, and when I go into women's bathrooms, when somebody comes out of the stall, people often go, because they're worried that they're in the wrong bathroom, or worse, I'm in the wrong bathroom. So it's still in our culture important to have this conversation.

[05:23]

It's important to realize that as an individual that lives at San Francisco Zen Center, there are people that are watching this in other parts of the world that absolutely do not have this luxury. They cannot walk down the street in a strange combination of women's clothes and men's clothes and feel safe. Um... So I feel a great deal of gratitude that I'm in a place that allows me to express myself in a way that I'm still finding comfort. When I was about 21, I was invited to a retirement party and at that party I was dressed, no kidding, in like a fancy dress and heels. And I felt like I was in drag. It was the worst, one of the worst feelings I've ever had, actually, because I felt like an imposter in this costume that somebody else expected me to be wearing.

[06:37]

So that never happened again. And there were many occasions that I didn't attend because there was no way for me to dress in an appropriate way. But really what I'd like to talk today about is another person who was born in a time in America, the United States, where things weren't safe. And I have a picture of her. And I've mentioned her before in Dharma Talks because she is the reason that I'm sitting here. And I'll pass this picture around. So this is Ani Trime Lamo. She's a Tibetan nun. She died in 2016. And I'd like to tell a few stories about her life. Trime was born in West Virginia.

[07:44]

And the moment she turned 18, she enlisted. It was 1944. And she did boot camp. She was a thin, scrappy, mouthy woman. Tough as nails because of the way she'd been raised and the people who had raised her. Not in a good way. Not tough in a good way. She was sent to Okinawa because at that time the Marshall Plan was active and they were sending people... to different areas of Japan, stationing there. And she loved it. She loved the army. She loved the structure. She loved the food. She loved the people. She loved everything about it. It supported her in a way that her family life did not support her. It was consistent. It was reliable.

[08:47]

And at that point, Trime was young, and she didn't know how she fit in. She hadn't found her place in the world. The only thing she wanted to do was be in the military. And while she, I think she had been there a couple of years, and there was a woman who was ahead of, like, had much seniority over her, and this woman would invite attendants. She would cycle attendants through her to come and make her tea and press her clothing and all that stuff. This is a very normal thing in the military, apparently. What happened, though, is that what this woman was doing was she was inviting women into her bed, and not in a good way.

[09:51]

So she would bring them into her service and then sleep with them. And if they didn't do that, she would cause difficulties. So Trimi, unbeknownst to Trimi, Trimi was stationed or posted to be this woman's assistant. And... Trime at that point had ideas that she might be a lesbian, but she wasn't interested in being with women. She was interested in being in the army, and at that time being in the army meant that you weren't going to be with people of the same sex at the risk of being dishonorably discharged. So after a few days, it didn't happen, it didn't take very long, this woman ordered Trime. into bed with her.

[10:52]

And Trime refused. And quite a large argument broke out and the woman said that if you don't do this, I will charge you with improper behavior and I have the connections to do that. And Trime said, I will not sleep with you. So, She was court-martialed and she was put back on a transport ship and brought to San Francisco and then put on a train. And if you were dishonorably discharged, you were returned to the recruitment office where you first signed up. So she was returned to the hometown that she lived in, West Virginia. And all her family was informed of why she was dishonorably discharged.

[11:54]

This is before she'd ever actually come to terms with the fact that she was a lesbian. So then the response of her family was to commit her to a mental institution. So this might have been 1946, 1947. She was in that mental institution And the condition was that she would not be allowed to wear clothing until she chose the dress that was hung in her closet. And so for weeks she didn't dress and she stayed in her room because she didn't want to wear what she thought was not the type of clothing that she would choose. And then at a certain point she decided that she couldn't take the harassment from the staff any longer.

[13:14]

And so she put on the dress and started pretending that that was her life. And after convincing her family that this was a miraculous change in her personality, she was released out of the mental institution. So essentially, she left that town and her family... with nothing and traveled to Florida with no resources except for her will and her scrappiness. And she got various jobs and she was living in Miami.

[14:20]

And then So at that point she was living as a lesbian. At that time there were certain places that women could go. It was dangerous. And one night she was dressed as a man and she was at a gathering of women and the police raided the party. And there was one particular man who, for whatever reason, keyed on Dreamy. And she was put in jail, and in jail she was beaten up. And she was released after...

[15:20]

however many hours they can keep you for. And then for the next couple of years, any time this fellow saw her, he would throw her into the police car, or if he saw her on the beat, he'd throw her against a wall and take her into jail and beat her up. And she... She told me this, and she said, I had a friend, and if we timed it right, I could call from the police station when we released me, and she would drive by at the right time with the window open in the back, and if I dove into the back seat while she was driving away, he wouldn't beat me up again. So she learned to be very careful about who she spent time with.

[16:30]

She started moving around a lot. She started drinking a lot. And her she never really had long term jobs. She had terrible, terrible self-esteem, as you can imagine. And her life was shadowy, let's say. And then she ran into Buddhism. And she ran into a fellow named Chogam Trungpa Rinpoche, who was kind of wacko. And his kind of wacko matched her kind of wacko. And she sobered up, and she found a corner of the world, and she started practicing.

[17:36]

She started talking about messages we send ourselves are important. What we think, how we feel about ourselves, makes a difference. Makes a difference to us, makes a difference to everybody. And she started studying very hard She pursued Buddhism ferociously. And she was one of the very few women to ordain as a full bhikshuni in North America. She lived at Gampo Abbey for a time.

[18:52]

She lived at Karma Choling for a time. She lived in these communities. And she remained scrappy. And she was hilarious. So I think that combination of somebody who's really lippy and then has you bending over double was unstoppable. Certainly unstoppable for me. And she she was so interesting to spend time with because she was a sincere practitioner who believed in the teachings and studied. and who was kind, and who, because of the life she lived, her early life, had zero self-confidence, didn't believe that she was worthy, and was sometimes very painful to be with because of her

[20:19]

inability to trust that she was worthwhile. And no matter how many students she had and how many people loved her, because many of us did, that early shaping was untouchable. Or maybe not so untouchable, but stubborn. I think there were times when she had glimpses of feeling worthy. And I think that made her general feeling all the more painful.

[21:29]

The feeling she carried most of the time. One of the things she did with her sangha in the last number of years was she started and wrote and practiced with them over and over and over a set of 52 affirmations. Her sangha collected them in a small book, which is in the middle of being published. This is not a publishing house. This was done by one of her sangha members. But it's in the middle of being published for a wider audience now. So these 52 affirmations are one affirmation a week. And they are working specifically around the messages we each tell ourselves. And I can just read a couple.

[22:36]

I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with myself. I welcome the experience of happiness in my life. So she... She talked about these and worked with these with her students because she recognized for most of us living in this culture, feeling that we are enough is very elusive. And that cultivating... cultivation practice around this is important. So she went from practicing Vajrayana Tibetan practice very formally, studying with various Tibetan Rinpoches, doing programs, doing Nandro, doing all of these practices,

[23:50]

in her later years recognizing that being kind was the kernel that she felt was most important for all of us. A couple weeks ago there was a Tibetan teacher here who gave us a talk and I'm Tubton Rinpoche and Trime for the last years of her life studied under him as her teacher. And one of the things she appreciated about him was the fact that he isn't exotic. He's not formal necessarily. He doesn't come off as being special or realized or Or, for her, that relationship was ground.

[25:01]

It was the ground. And she felt that it's great to study and it's great to have a powerful intellectual Buddhist practice. if that's the thing that gets you in the door. And she recognized both for herself and pretty well all of her students that this idea of developing compassion for ourselves is at the root of much of our suffering. at this time. So I... I think for me, watching this happen, watching her move away from more formal practices to these affirmations was very interesting and a very potent teacher for me.

[26:17]

I say... often to people. So what are the messages you tell yourself? And do you believe them? How do you know? That exploration, that's the exploration of zazen. What are the messages you tell yourself? How do you believe them? Do you believe them? Do you think you should believe them? Are you being kind? You know what that is.

[27:20]

So pride is about these things for me. Pride is about growing up in a time when had I mentioned to that I worked with that I was a lesbian I might well have been beaten up had I been out at night after being in a club and run across a group of people that decided to beat me up that happened often enough to be frightening and what does that do to a person you know In our culture, we're thinking about this a lot. What does difference do? And how do we even know that we treat people differently?

[28:38]

What do we believe? I did a workshop, a number of classes this last winter called Unpacking Whiteness. And it really was an amazing experience for me because I have a hard time believing that I'm a racist. Or maybe more to the point, I don't want to believe that I'm a racist. And one of the learnings of that class, coming out of that class, is that I live in a world where it's impossible for me not to be racist. I live as a lesbian where it's impossible for me not to be homophobic. This is the world I live in. This is the legacy that I've received. And this is the work that I have to do.

[29:40]

Partly for my own good. Partly because this change has to happen. I was watching the presidential debates this week. And I was struck by the competition. By the way that... I mean, I understand the point of a debate. It's not that that's lost on me. But it felt more like a bunch of people screaming at one another to get their point across rather than a constructive effort. And I think that that is in opposition to what I think is behind the idea of pride.

[30:50]

To be proud. to be accepting, to be open, to be a member of society. I think Trime, Trime's experience, literally all the beatings she got at the hands of the police shortened her life and made her afraid. She was terrified of the dark, for example.

[31:55]

And it limited her ability. One time I was talking to her about coming to Tassajara. And she said, I would love to go there. I've read about it for years. I would love to go there. But it's dark. And rationally, it would be okay, you know. It's a safe place. But that darkness was, it wasn't negotiable for her. Too much had happened in the dark. The first time I went, I came to San Francisco or I came to San Francisco the year I lived or came to Zen Center and I came in the summertime from Tassajara on Pride weekend.

[33:25]

And at that time I was with a woman and I remember we were walking in the street and she grabbed my hand and I was terrified that somebody would come and hurt us. And I told her that, and she looked at me, and she's like, oh, we're in San Francisco. And I didn't understand, you know. I just didn't understand. And then we went. and we went to the dyke march and we went out and we went to the parade and I think I was in shock that this that this happens that this is not an event even being queer

[34:30]

In fact, I had another friend say to me, oh, for goodness sakes, Mary, most of the straight people want to be queer in San Francisco. So, I don't know if I believe that exactly, but I was grateful that she said that. So it was astounding, and what I think is important for me in this moment is to remember that that experience, although that happened in the summer of 2000, for me, there are still people that are coming to the city today to go to the parade tomorrow that have never, ever been around anybody else that's queer. And how liberating that is and wonderful and crazy-making and, you know,

[35:32]

giggle worthy and it's so real for some people that this is precious and in their lives they do not have access to that so this is something to celebrate it is something to not think oh oh it's pride again this is something for all of us because the progression from Treme's experience through my experience to people now in schools who are trying out being with somebody of their own sex and then they're like, yeah, that wasn't so great. And then they try out to be with somebody of the opposite sex and they're like, I don't know. And that possibility that a person could do that without this morality on top of it is amazing.

[36:37]

And that's the moment we live in right now, I hope. That it's not frivolous experimentation, but it's possible experimentation. And that it's supported experimentation. So I feel grateful. I feel... I always feel interested to go to the dyke march. I always feel like I should have a motorbike. I really like the women who go on their scooter. Because that seems like a step down somehow. But it's okay, you know? You don't need the Harley Davidson to participate. It's an amazing thing to have the idea that as human beings we can be okay in our bodies.

[37:50]

It's an amazing thing to think that if we don't feel okay in our bodies we can change that. that that's possible for us. And that there will be people that not only continue to love us and support us, but are up for that conversation. It's amazing. Erin works in a school and they have kids that are 15 thinking about transitioning. And they're supported. They're supported by the bathrooms because they don't have to choose. They're genderless bathrooms. They're supported by the teachers. They're supported by their parents. This is possible. So please carry Trime today and tomorrow a little piece of her.

[39:02]

and kick up your heels and enjoy the vibe because it's precious and so are you. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered at no cost and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[39:42]

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