This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. And I had a brain concussion. I still have symptoms in the brain concussion, which also affects directionality. I just saw Susan. Sometimes I go out with her and a bunch of other women, a birthday club, and we're in the car and we're trying to figure out where we're going. And everybody's talking, you know, maybe we should turn right here. And then I say something and everybody just turns and looks at me and they roll their eyes. And it's like, I am going to offer them ideas about which way to turn. I'm always lost. And then I get found. That's why we need friends. So that was not supposed to be part of my talk, and I guess that's how this is going to go, because I'm more... I have prepared.

[01:04]

I've prepared like crazy for the talk. And what's happening is what usually happens for me. I prepare, and that's underneath me, and I'll be referring to notes. And my most important... wish is to be here with you. I don't want to be here with you as a teacher. I want to be here with you as a traveler along the same path together. I want to be with you and I want to be connected, particularly in these days where so many people feel isolated and alone. That's really important to me. Where's Rosalie? There's Rosalie. I want to thank you very much for inviting me. to be here I'm really glad to be here tonight and the intent of my practice and the intent of my talk is to resonate with what senior Dharma teacher Paul Howler just recently said in a talk he did and I want to read you what he wrote or what he said I wrote it he said I think many people wish to bring awareness to their everyday lives

[02:19]

rather than give up their usual lives in order to do Zen practice. In many ways, this wish is in contrast to the classic formula of giving up secular life. I almost said sexual life. We're going to have a whooping good time. Formula of giving up secular life versus spiritual life. We want to take the essence of Zen practice and bring it into our busy lives. This notion carries the flavor of Buddhism in the West, which is less about people renouncing their lives and becoming monks and nuns, and more about people saying, okay, we're going to live our lives and practice Zen. This integration of Zen practice, Paul continues speaking, with everyday life seems to be a common feature in the West, and it creates exciting possibilities. If we do this individually, And collectively, our society will be profoundly affected in a positive way.

[03:24]

What an extraordinary gift it will be for all of us. Looking around, and I see very familiar faces, some I haven't seen for a long time, and a lot of new people, or new faces to me. Are there people here at Zen Center for the first time? Have you not been here? Welcome. Just another welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Can I have someone here? Glad you're here too. As many of you know, I'm asked to offer Zen and mindfulness practice at San Francisco Zen Center as well as other practice centers in a myriad of other places as well. And what I've been asked to do is to offer ways to relate to what some of us call depression and anxiety. And I'll say more about that in a few moments. Before I do, I want to read you an invitation I sent to people who have participated in the workshops, inviting them to come tonight.

[04:25]

And I want to read that to you. So I start off with dear friends and logistics about where it's going to be and such. And then I say, when I'm asked to offer a Dharma talk, I usually ask myself, what awareness is deeply listening to? as I relate to the present conditions of my life? Would expressing this in a Dharma talk be beneficial? Practicing deeply listening to our experience of respectful, some say, a sacred activity of receiving, letting in, surrendering to what we notice, is simply being with what we are discerning without holding on or avoiding what shows itself to us. Many of you have taken workshops with me, I say in this letter, in this newsletter, have heard me say that our practice points us to noticing what is going on in the present moment and a relationship to what we notice.

[05:30]

Noticing change is most prevalent for me right now. Sometimes I'm accepting of change, sometimes I'm not. I don't know what I'll say at the Dharma talk time yet. And yet, I have found the following quote from George Bernard Shaw's Man and Superman helpful to me. This is from this Man and Superman. The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor. He took my measurements anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me. I love that quote. Right now, I'm aware of awareness of change. A basic process of life is change. Everything is impermanent. Sometimes we like this truth, sometimes not. I'm guessing that my talk will include how we relate to this basic truth of the ever-changing process of human being.

[06:36]

And then again, who knows, this idea about what I talk about may change. since I've read that newsletter, I sent that newsletter, I read a quote of something that Suzuki Roshi said in a book that David Chadwick edited. Zen is right here, teaching stories and anecdotes of Shinriya Suzuki. David writes, student says to Suzuki Roshi, I've been listening to your lectures for years, the student said during a question-answer time following a lecture. but I just don't understand. Could you just put it in a nutshell? Can you reduce Buddhism to one phrase? Everyone laughed. Suzuki laughed. Everything changes, he said. Then he asked for another question. The idea of what I thought I'd talk about has changed in it, and it hasn't changed.

[07:41]

I sound like a Zen paradox. When I wrote the newsletter, I had an idea that I would talk about the fall I had in November, from which a traumatic brain injury, a concussion arose, the symptoms coming and going, and what a gift this has been. At first, it didn't appear to be a gift, but it's been quite a gift. And I thought I would talk about that, the preciousness of the gift of not being able to live in the intellect. I've counted on the intellect. We all count on our intellect so much. And sometimes when it's not available to us, the other aspects of who human being is become much more shining. And so it's been a wonderful gift to me. A precious entry into realizing wholeness more deeply. Thich Nhat Hanh, Thai, which means teacher, was one of my first teachers.

[08:54]

I was accepted into the order of interbeing with so much interest in how to meet suffering. How to meet suffering that I saw without really having too much exposure to Buddhism, to the suffering that arises from greed and hatred and delusion. I didn't know how to do this without feeling so angry. sometimes filled with rage and despair. These days I ask myself the question of how to relate to the suffering in Ferguson, one of the places that I'm noticing a lot of suffering is happening. Tai coined a phrase, engaged Buddhism, and that was very attractive to me because I had been involved with wanting to be... Changing the world. You know how we are in our... We want to change the world. And I knew I could do it. But I was so angry all of the time that I didn't feel I was very effective.

[09:59]

So engaged Buddhism, it just had a ring to it. And so his emphasis on the practice of deeply listening, I was able to sit down and listen to the suffering of so-called others. I didn't know then... that I actually had to listen to suffering deep inside of me, this bunch of stuff that I call me and that you call Lee. I'd heard that Buddha said that birth is suffering, sickness is suffering, old age is suffering, death is suffering. And at Plum Village, when I was in Plum Village in France, we chanted what is called the five remembrances. And I brought this book It's not as old as I am because nothing really. Most people are not close. Some. I wanted to read you the five remembrances that we chanted at Plum Village. They probably still do.

[11:01]

And in his sanghas. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand. Every time I read that or chant that when I'm at home, I'm just filled with the understanding of the truth of how things are, or as Suzuki Roshi has said, how things is.

[12:13]

See what I want to see next. Some people find the truth that I just read really jarring. Such a downer. Discouraging. And turn away from the truth of how things is. Some of us understand intellectually the truth of the reality. And it's embarrassing for me to tell you that I've often tucked this truth away because it's frightened me. Just as everything that looks like it's outside of me changes, so does the process of who I think I am changes. I mean, just look at me. I've changed. We're all changing. And we all think we're not going to get old and we're not going to die. We're not going to get ill like that. But we're human beings. So the process of who we think we are is continuously changing. flowing along in the interconnectedness, the interconnected process of wholeness, everything in process, everything in process.

[13:24]

It may be that like me, some of you, like me, may not have been taught how to turn towards suffering. As human beings, we just want to get rid of it, or we try to negotiate suffering with drugs, food, violence, sex, rock and roll. For me, those of you who have taken my workshops know that I turn to cookies. And lately, a friend introduced me to Twin Peaks caramel pecan ice cream. It works for a while. It's not our fault that we follow habit patterns, patterns of turning away from suffering and Many of us are taught that suffering, which feels bad, means that we are bad. We feel ashamed. Our westernized culture stigmatizes suffering. It says it's our fault if we suffer.

[14:28]

Friends I went on vacation with years and years and years ago saw me sneaking. I was sneaking a Prozac. I was sneaking a Prozac. And they said, oh no, not you. look of barely disguised disgust on their faces. No wonder we try to hide this, or feel filled with self-hatred, feeling ashamed as if mental challenges are a character flaw. Mental challenges are mental challenges, as physical challenges are physical challenges. Challenges to what? To what we think we should be. to what we want to be, to what we want to feel, or what we've been taught we should be, or what we've been taught we should feel. We are so much more than what we think we are. I'm so inspired by all who come here, stopping in the middle of activities to practice, noticing the truth of how things are.

[15:37]

I am so inspired by the people that come to the workshops. This is not a marketing ploy for the workshops. I just want to tell you how inspired I am by people who come into a gate with a big sign on it that says, transforming depression and anxiety, in the midst of a culture that stigmatizes those words. And they walk in. Does that tell you how much they're suffering? They walk in. I mean, the minute they walk in, I think, oh, something's going to change for them because they take this action. And from my point of view, it's such a courageous, I meant to say courageous, but it's a creative, too, action in the context of the stigma that we assign to those words in our culture. And then most people stay for the whole day. I mean, it's like... Wow, and we're practicing how to relate to the suffering that they notice as they sit down and they shine a light inward.

[16:44]

And it's so inspiring to be with those who are practicing to relate to suffering, to relate with suffering. No one wakes up in the morning, at least anybody I've ever met, that says, I think today I'm just going to suffer all day. I haven't met once. Maybe there's somebody, but, you know, I live a protected life. We all suffer. We all suffer. It takes a willingness, an effort to sit in each moment, to be present to what shows itself to us. When we practice staying close to direct experience, we may be gifted with actually noticing how everything comes and goes. Everything is in process. Everything is in process. Everything changes. All experience has life of its own. It manifests and flows with the ongoing process of life.

[17:47]

Everything, everything, everything changes. Our practice points to not turning away. We don't turn away when what shows itself to us is difficult and painful. Our practice is to stay close. And when we want to turn away from what's really hard to be with, our practice is we stay close. This is how we train ourselves to be with what shows itself to us. Sometimes we remember to do this and sometimes we don't. We all do our best asking no more of ourselves than to do our best. That's why we call this a practice. My watch says 810.

[18:58]

Do I match yours? Is that correct? Sometimes when suffering arises, we call suffering depression and anxiety. In every workshop, I ask people to drop those words that we psychotherapists have offered to people to describe their experience. Generalized anxiety, bipolar disorder, panic attacks, dysphonia, major depressive disorder. Did I leave anything out? I think I probably covered it. All right. What? Oh, anhedonia. That's not being able to experience joy. I can't remember from my days of studying. There are people that have not ever been able to experience joy.

[19:58]

Another flavor of anxiety and depression. These... Diagnostic labels have permeated our culture. Even children under four use these labels. How are you feeling, honey? How are you feeling today? I'm depressed. You heard little ones say that. I ask for people to let go of the words that we professionals use as shortcuts. We need them. They have a usefulness. But for the purpose of the workshop, and the request to get in touch with our direct experience of what we're noticing when we use these labels, we ask them. I say we because I often teach with David Zimmerman here. We ask people to notice what's actually happening inside. And at first the room goes very quiet.

[20:59]

And then one person, it's like popcorn style, one person says something and then another, and then pretty, so you know how it is with popcorn, then people start to say a whole lot of things. So this is an envelope I've been keeping for a long time. It's very sophisticated. It says words if you're not able to see really far. And I've been collecting these. See all of these? Lots of them. And I just want to read some of the words that people say instead of saying I'm depressed or anxious. They said shamed, hopeless, negative, disappointed, confused, tearful, sensitive, ambivalent, irritable, self-destructive, isolated, emotional, worried, empty, lonely, out of control, suicidal, vengeful, tense, overwhelmed, stuck, powerless, remorseful, self-doubt, raw, raw, Raw. I'm not going to read them all to you.

[22:02]

When I read these, I just feel it in my own body. I can't really feel the word. When somebody says I'm depressed, I don't feel a connection with that. Or I feel anxious. I don't feel a connection with that. I feel a connection for these descriptors of a person's experience. And that's important to me. Connection is important to me because we're interconnected. We're all in relationship with each other. Even if we hide away in our room, we're in connection with everybody. I practice listening to these descriptions, listening to people, not knowing if I'll have anything to offer. It's just like, how can I do this? I don't know what I'm going to have to offer. It's so humbling. I see that sometimes I miss the essence of what a person is saying. So humbling.

[23:06]

So really humbling to want to listen, to want to hear them. And sometimes I miss the point, the essential point that they want me to know. And yet, I keep doing it. And I keep doing my best. I see that mental processes influence how we think, and feel and act. Our whole physical being is a very complex system. The brain is not separate. This is a very complex system. The whole body is not separate from the brain. And so the whole body influences how we think and feel and act. Our whole body is not separated from other bodies, although in the relative world we perceive that we're separate, which is a good thing, so we don't bump into each other. We are interconnected.

[24:09]

And although we sometimes feel isolated, the truth is we are interconnected. Tai would say we inter-are. We influence each other and every particularity of our shared life. And every particularity of our shared life influences this bunch of stuff, whoever you're pointing to when you say that. What we often call depression and anxiety are, from my point of view, simply body, mind, and mood states that can lead to suffering. For some of us, the mood states come and go. For some of us, mood states appear to be all of what we can be aware of This is how it is when somebody's in the midst of deep depression. In the depth of enduring depression, we can forget that we're interconnected. And all that appears to us is isolation.

[25:12]

As I was preparing to speak to you about this, I ran across another quote from another book by David Shadwick. He says in this book, one night after a Dharma talk, I asked Suzuki Roshi a question about life and death. The answer he gave made my fear of death for that moment pop like a bubble. He looked at me and said, you will always exist in the universe in some form. I'm going to repeat that. You will always exist in the universe in some form. When I read this, I vaguely remembered a poem, and I refound it just this morning. I'm going to read it to you. It's entitled, To Luis Cernudo, Looking for a Southern Air in England. It's written by Rafael Alberti in a book of poems called The Owl's Insomnia.

[26:19]

The poem is written in Spanish and was translated by Mark Strand. Here's the poem. Suppose the air said to itself one day, I am tired, dead tired of my name. I no longer want even my initial to sign the carnation's curl, the rose's ripple, the river's fine folds, the sea's graceful flowing, and the dimple that laughs in the sail's cheek. I rise from the soft, slumbering surfaces, housing my sleep. I flow from hanging vines. I slipped through the blind, arched windows of towers, already thinness itself. I turn sharp-cornered streets, entering, broken and wounded by doorways.

[27:27]

Long halls that lead to green patios, where jetting water sweet and hopeless, reminds me of what I wish for. I look and look for a name for myself, but I don't know how. Isn't there any breeze or breath able to lift into view the word that would name me? More and more tired, I look for a sign, a something or someone to take my place. who would be like me and live like me in the fresh memory of things, who would be moved by cradle and cradle song, who would endure with the same trembling, the same breath that was mine the first morning of my life when light said to me, fly, you are the air.

[28:29]

Suppose the air said to itself one day, wonder how many of us are afraid that we don't know very much about the suffering, the complexities of depression, the suffering of mental challenges, or maybe we do when we feel afraid, helpless, that we won't have a solution for this terrifically painful experience. It appears to me that we don't have a simple solution, a response to what will help someone who is experiencing enduring long-term depression. long-term enduring suffering, long-term enduring oppression. We can listen. We can do our best to be present with our own dis-ease.

[29:35]

If dis-ease arises, keeping close company to listening to what's underneath the words, in between the words and actions that arise out of suffering. we can listen to suffering arising out of the complexities of our shared life. We can be present to suffering. It is from our hearts, our full presence to suffering, that compassion shows itself to us and flows. Sometimes when suffering arises, we call suffering riots, wars, We can, one moment after another, put down our arguments, our misunderstandings, our strongly held opinions, our righteousness, and remember that we share this life together. Although our life circumstances may be radically different, we can remember that we share this life.

[30:43]

Doing our best to be present with our own disease is We can listen to the suffering arising out of the complexities of delusion of separation, from which oppression, greed, disempowerment, hatred, sometimes personal, and very definitely systemic racism. We can soften our strongly held views as we deeply listen, and we can do so physically As we do so, we may notice our ongoing connection with everybody, everything, suchness, oneness. We can listen to each other with our heart wide open, even maybe especially when our listening practice brings us to be with each other through these darkness times. We need each other. We need each other. We suffer. Many of us are afraid that we don't know very much about the suffering complexities of those whose lives might look very different than ours.

[31:57]

We can be still. We can be present. We can listen. We can believe the experience of the person we're listening to. It's their experience after all. Just as we mental health professionals can drop labels we offer people that come in with their suffering, We can drop all our own ideas, our own stories about another person's experience and simply be present to what's offered to us, remembering my actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. Looking for security, stability, happiness outside of ourselves, we can remember everything. My actions are the ground on which I stand. Offering our listening ears to suffering in the world, we can actualize our training to be present, deeply listening.

[33:01]

Ah, as Paul says, what an extraordinary gift this will be for all of us. May we dedicate the merit of our practice to all those who are suffering. as we remember those in particular who we hear suffering in these last few days. May we dedicate the merit of our chanting, our loving, our prayers, our kind actions to all those in Ferguson, in Syria, Iraq, Gaza, Palestine, to those in nations impacted by Ebola. to the children whose parents have sent them to our shores for refuge, to all the nations at war, to all the earth and beings on it, to all who need our compassion, including ourselves. I'm going to repeat a few phrases, and perhaps you could repeat them softly out loud, but softly, to echo these phrases.

[34:12]

May all beings listen with open hearts. May all beings be free from physical and mental harm. May all beings be free from physical and mental harm. May all beings be peace. May all beings be free from May all beings be free. May your intention extend to every being in place with the true merit of Buddha's way. Ah, we can call on Avalokiteshara, a bodhisattva who embodies the compassion of all the Buddhas, including all of the Buddhas in the room. Please help us listen, we say to Avalokiteshara. When we ask Avalokiteshara, to please help us.

[35:16]

Avalokiteshara appears. Avalokiteshara appears through us. That's how we manifest our practice. And Avalokiteshara helps us. Thank you so much for your listening to me. It was so quiet in the room. And now I chant. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[36:07]

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