This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. As I was struggling with this, I was thinking, well I think this is an intelligence test and I think I'm failing. Thank goodness Zen has no particular goal or limited expression. So let's start by sitting for a few minutes. And if you could sit in a way, if you're sitting in a chair, if you could sit balanced on your sit bones, like if you can move your back away from the back of the chair.

[01:05]

And then if you can just notice whatever is happening in your body and resist the impulse to improve it. And then bring full awareness, or as full awareness as you can, to releasing on the exhale. for a couple of breaths, just allow yourself to let go. Maybe more in a physical way than intellectually or emotionally.

[02:22]

And as you breathe in, can you notice how the body can soften and open as you breathe in? Taking in the arising moment. Taking in all that's present in this arising moment. Okay. Thank you. This is the first time I've given a talk in this impressive room.

[03:52]

I was standing over there and marveling at this wonderful stained glass window. And then sitting here, I see there's a whole series of them. You know, that way in which religion, spirituality, is drawn to express itself through beauty. Maybe there's a wisdom in that, a skillfulness in that awakening is inviting us to be who we are, to let the world we're in be what it is, beautiful and terrible.

[05:01]

Maybe we could use those same adjectives for ourselves. beautiful and terrible. I am going to talk about, among other things, about a quote from Dogen Zenji, the founder of this kind of Zen. In one of his seminal works, he said, Having realization about delusion is Buddha being. Having delusions about Buddha is karmic being. How do we enable the first part, having realization about delusion?

[06:07]

rather than perpetuating having delusions about Buddha. I've had, over the last several months, does this seem echoey to you, or does it just me? It's a little echoey. this away a little bit and see, does that help? Several months ago, I was asked to give a talk, an online talk for the New York Zen Center on Buddha Nature. And then soon thereafter, I received the latest edition of Buddha Dharma,

[07:11]

a quarterly magazine. And the whole magazine, that whole magazine, was dedicated to Buddha Nature. And then I discovered that Tanto and Kim and Dan, who I don't see here right now, were going to lead a salon on Buddha Nature. So, as I was contemplating all those coincidences, I started to think, well, should I talk about Buddha nature? And here's what my mind, my devious mind, came up with. Can I talk about Buddha nature without mentioning it? So that's the last time I'll mention it. LAUGHTER along with two other teachers, Gil Fransdell and Jennifer Bloch, I lead a Buddhist chaplaincy course that goes for a year, actually 11 months.

[08:40]

But somewhere in that course, usually about the halfway mark, and then we meet for a full day. Nice to see you, Rosie. we meet for a full day once a month. And about the middle of the course, we do what's called case studies. And we ask the chaplains to be, or the chaplains in training, or the internal chaplains, call them as you will, we ask them to bring to the group their moments of great failure as a chaplain. As I was thinking about this, this in a way, that particularity of our course has inspired me in what to say this morning.

[09:44]

And I'll explain why, sort of. certain questions might arise. They arose in my mind. What are we hoping for in asking the trainee chaplains to present their great failures? Do we want a reason to rebuke them and criticize them? Do we want to feel our own superiority since we keep our own failures hidden? Or is there something in that process that helps the person discover what it is to be a chaplain? Or more particularly, there's a phrase we use. We talk about skillful use of the self.

[10:48]

implicit in that process is that the so-called failures can be a wonderful teaching. And that's what brought to mind this quote from Ndogan Zenji. Having realization about delusion is Buddha being. Being able to see what's going on for us and how it's impacting us and what gives it, what helps it to arise. And what do we learn from it? So this is what we do collectively with the trainee chaplains. And they... As part of the course, they take an internship in a hospital, in a prison, working with the homeless, things like that.

[11:59]

And what we're asking them to look at is moments when the environment they were being a chaplain, You know, a chaplain has this exalted vow, be of service to others. Which I think of as very close to the bodhisattva vow, be of service to others. And then the wonderful and heroic thing a chaplain does is be of service to others in their time of need, in their time of distress.

[13:04]

And then sometimes that very environment that's bringing stress or some oppression to the person the chaplain is being of service to, it brings distress to the chaplain. And then we ask them if they would, and you know we do this on a volunteer basis, we say, is there someone who would like to present a moment in their chaplaincy that they find they find in their own being a sort of lacking in their response. And then we would ask them to describe the situation, the particulars of it, the particulars of the interaction.

[14:15]

And then we'd ask them to describe What was the impact of that, of those particulars? What was their response to them? I remember once doing a similar process in hospice training. And then someone said, in the old Laguna Honda, we had 30 beds. a ward. It was old fashioned and now there's little pods where there may be two or even three beds in the pod. But in the before there were 30 beds in the ward. And one of the volunteers came in and in that moment he was totally overwhelmed by the notion that he

[15:21]

needed to be of service to these people. And he thought, well, before I start, I'll meditate. And so he sat down and meditated for a while, and he was still overwhelmed. And then he thought, I'll just walk down the ward. and I won't expect myself to talk to anybody, but I'll just walk down, turn around at the end, and walk back. And so he walked on the board, turned around, and started to walk back, and someone shouted from their bed, hey, what are you doing here? And so he walked swiftly down the ward, and straight out the door. And then later, he talked about his moment of great failure.

[16:33]

Or to put it in a kinder way, he talked about his moment of humanness, his moment of imperfection. his moment of having limited capacity. And so in doing this with the trainee chaplains, this is what the intention is. Can you discover that along with your heroic vow to be of service to others, That you bring a humanness. You bring an imperfection. You bring a limitation to your capacities. And then we process it as a group.

[17:36]

As the person presents the incident. As we do, we invite the other trainee chaplains to ask questions. When did you first notice that your body and your mind were tightening? When did you first notice that you were pulling back from engaging. And how was it when you did that? Did it stir up any kinds of emotions for you? And this is the first part of having a realization

[18:46]

about delusion. Or maybe we could just say having realization about the limitations of being a human that we call me. And so in the safety, hopefully, in the safety and trust and knowledge judgmental nature of the chaplaincy course, we can just hold that. We can hold the person. We can offer our empathy, offer each other and ourselves a benevolence. and acceptance.

[19:46]

Oh, this is who we are. And I would suggest to you that each of us cares enough about this life to offer ourselves and each other benevolence. that as we do that, it evokes a certain kind of alchemy. I remember a long time ago, when I was a monk in Thailand, the teacher said to me, encourage yourself by encouraging others.

[20:49]

And maybe the chaplaincy course is discover your benevolence by being benevolent to others and then discover that you could benefit from the same benevolence. So even in that little meditation I was offering at the start, to offer, about unwinding the tension, the agitation, either blatant or subtle, of our being. And then to delve a little deeper into the chaplaincy course. So we don't ask this when they walk in the door for the first meeting. We ask it more

[21:54]

when they've come to know who else is in the room, they've come to befriend them, they've come to trust them, and have in that circle of trust and benevolence to trust themselves, to be vulnerable. And I'd suggest to you that this is the challenge for us in Zazen. Can we create... an inner environment where there is benevolence and we can trust how we're relating to ourself. And part of that discovery is discovering quite a simple thing about practice. If your practice is is based on self-criticism or criticism of others, like if you turn it into a competition.

[23:01]

I must confess that when I was at Tassahara a long time ago, we had a practice during Sashin's intensive meditation where we would stay up late meditating And it became a kind of competition. Who can stay up the latest? What prompts us to take something that's offering us compassion and benevolence turn it into a competition? What prompts us when we're enacting our benevolence to shrink back, to somehow close down, disconnect,

[24:23]

do we do that in our own sitting? We're engaging internally to see and process. How do we do that? And so for the first six months of the chaplaincy course, we're providing didactic information. We're providing details. Here are good practices to develop as a chaplain. Here's some attitudes you can bring to it. I remember hearing a seasoned chaplain say, the chaplain is one of the few people that the person in the bed can understand order to leave.

[25:27]

You can't order the nurse to leave. You can't order the doctor to leave. You can't even order the orderly because they're just cleaning up what needs to be cleaned up. But the chaplain, you can ask them to leave. And to know that, to know that our benevolence isn't based on our authority, either interpersonally or intrapersonally. Our benevolence is more based on a humility that we're all imperfect. That imperfection is asking for kindness, is asking for compassion.

[26:33]

And so for the six months, we say that to the training chaplains in as many ways as we can think of. Bring as many Buddhist teachings as illustrate that. as we think are appropriate. So how can each one of us explore the workings of the self? And I would suggest to you one of the ways we can do that is we can notice in our lives significant moments. Significant moments when we feel a turmoil in our being.

[27:45]

And interestingly, we can also notice and acknowledge the moments when something feels opening, something feels like it's flowing, something feels expansive. In the realm of practice, both the positive and the negative have something to teach us. The positive experience gives us a glimpse of appreciation. The energy of enjoying being in that moment. Whether it's a moment of solitude or a moment of intimacy with another person.

[28:48]

And then also, we can, maybe it's far-fetched to say, we can enjoy the moments of our difficulty. However, I would say, from my own experience, that at a certain point, the moments of difficulty can be intriguing. Oh, look at me, struggling with this. Hmm, what's going on? But I would say to you, it's a delicate process. Don't try to force it on yourself. But more, can you come at it with a tender heart? Can you come at it with a simple phrase,

[29:57]

Oh, I'm struggling with this. This is a difficult moment. This is a difficult interaction. This is a difficult memory for me. And the more we can start to learn what is it to navigate, what is it to open to what we're inclined to away from, inclined to pull back from. The more we can do that, the more manageable our life, the person that we are, the personality, the circumstances, they take on a disposition of possibility. to go back to that hospice meeting where someone told the group.

[31:06]

He told the group what exactly happened. And then we had a wonderful meeting. It seemed like everyone felt permission to talk about their inadequacies. And that They were being held more as teachings, almost amusing teachings, rather than reasons for shame and blame. How can we cultivate that within ourselves? You know, I think the second part of this conversation quote from the Genjo Cohen, delusions about Buddha being is karmic being. You know, that impulse that practice is going to fix me, practice is going to perfect me, somehow all the ways I suffer are going to be alleviated through the realm of practice, the engagement of practice.

[32:28]

But rather to think As I study this, as I explore this, as I learn what it is to stay present for my own difficulties, what it is to open to my difficult emotions, what is it to see how often when we feel threatened, we shrink back into a deep self-concern. And all of these can become something to note, something to acknowledge, something to open to experiencing. And what supports it? Like a few moments ago I was saying, part of the challenge of Zazen is for us, can we create within our own being, within our meditation,

[33:31]

Can we create a welcoming, benevolent, heroic being? It's a tall order. And that's why it's helpful to look at the moments it's happening for you. To see how the mind relaxes. To feel how the mind can relax. To feel how the body can relax. Like sometimes we can see when we're with a certain kind of person or persons, we feel kind of stilted or uncomfortable. And then if we're someone we consider a dear friend, how conversation just flows It's as if you could sit there and talk forever.

[34:37]

You know, our usual, often our usual notion is something in me needs to be better. You know? In all sorts of ways, you know. Maybe I need to be less impatient. Maybe I need to be less critical of myself or someone else. Maybe I need to have a better coping mechanism for my distress. Bhagavan is saying, like Kaz Tanahashi's translation, is he saying, those who are greatly deluded about realization are sentient beings. And then I translated it as delusions about Buddha, is Buddha being, is karmic being.

[35:58]

My reason for doing that was... Kaz's translation, Kaz Tanahashi's translation, seems a little... Those who are greatly deluded... I think of each one of us as a kind of mysterious mix that we're prompted to be of service to others... And at the same time, we're prompted to be quite selfish. We're prompted to have life just the way we wanted. And at the same time, we yearn for greater being. Within us, we have these almost contradictory impulses. Yeah. And can they be our teacher?

[37:06]

You know, if we think about it in a practical way, such states of being are common occurrence. You know, you can go on an intensive meditation where you're meditating most of the day and have moments where your own usual agitations have quieted done. And it's my own experience and coaching others, the experience of coaching others, that in those moments, often we think, okay, now I'm getting it right. This is how it ought to be. And... I think that has a great teaching within it.

[38:09]

But the teaching within it is that it's possible. And then in exploring our more usual moments, our more usual way of being, we can start to unpack them and discover that right in the midst of those so-called entrenched karmic beings, we can have some of the space and freedom and ease that we had. Did we just lose it? It's back? No? talking? Okay. Yeah, it's back. Within the moments of conditioned being, we can have moments of spaciousness.

[39:12]

And we can see that moments of spaciousness are not fully dependent upon special circumstances within our being or in our interbeing. Recently at Tassajara in the spring, we had a great tragedy. Someone, one of the students was hiking and she fell and died. And her mother and her father came to Tassajara. But her mother in particular was very moved by the outpouring of grief and gratitude for who her daughter was. And she said to me, this is a horrible tragedy to lose my daughter.

[40:22]

And in this environment, there's something beautiful. In this very life we're living, in this very person we are, there's something beautiful. There's a capacity to open. There's a movement to open. And there's a moment to enact, to renew the deep conditioning of our being. And what Dogen's pointing out, he's pointing out that deep conditioning of our being can be related to as a profound teaching.

[41:25]

When we deeply connect to something in ourselves, we can have empathy for how that appears with others. we see the distress in our own being or in others, we can have a deep compassion for the human condition. We can see within ourselves the particulars. Oh, what's the character? What's the particularity of my own vulnerability? How does that arise for me? And we can see the layers in our own being. I woke up this morning thinking about when I was about 11 or 12 and I'd started a new school.

[42:38]

Somehow or other, I was caught up in the notion others sort of created a situation where I needed to fight with the school bully, as I thought of him. And I remember before it started, I was thinking, how did this happen? How did this happen? And this morning, and then I fought the school bully and actually managed to survive that. But then the next day, he and his friend decided to beat me up. And when I went home bruised, my mother said, what happened? I told her something, like I walked into the door or something.

[43:45]

But when I woke up thinking about that, I thought, how amazing that there felt something unfinished about something that happened so long ago. there's layers to our being. And those layers are layers of teaching. Sometimes it's a loosening of some embitteredness within us. Sometimes it's a loosening of some fearfulness, some kind of prejudice, or impulsive reactiveness.

[44:59]

As we engage the stuff we're made of, a layer of trusting comes up. This life, this person that I am, it is possible to flourish. This is the great... gift of practice. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, please visit sfzc.org and click giving.

[46:08]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[46:11]

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