Yes. Many of you I don't know. All of a sudden my voice is bigger. So it's good to see people I know. And I want to quickly mention that I have some friends here that many of you who know me probably don't know. There were some participants in the very first retreat that Eyes of Compassion Zen Center put on. It wasn't your typical Zen retreat. It was called Return to the Sacred Heart, an experiment in contemplative prayer and loving action. But we'll do a Zen thing later in May. I'll talk about that. I'll incorporate that into what I'm about to say, I think. We'll see. So, I used to be a lot like you.

[01:29]

I still am a lot like you. With one difference, I'm not a resident of San Francisco Zen Center anymore. I'm a resident of Eyes of Compassion Zen Center now. And Eyes of Compassion Zen Center is in Salinas. We've been in operation for about four months. We have a resident priest. That must be me. And we have a Doan, a Chidan, a Jisha, and administrative assistant. And that's Alex. Right there. And we're in partnership with a group called the Franciscan Workers of Junipero Serra. And that group is based on what's called the Catholic Worker Model. And the Catholic Worker was started by a woman named Dorothy Day in Depression-era New York.

[02:30]

Basically, she was a woman who had a communist background, socialist background, but had some profound spiritual awakening that led her to become a Catholic. and led her to modify or change in her socialist leanings. She still carried a very strong concern for social justice. But she had a mystical approach now. And her mystical approach was to seek her own salvation. serving the poor now those of us in the room who don't have a Christian background may hear that word salvation and there's a whole lot of presuppositions or baggage that may come with it you may envision somebody up on a soapbox preaching hellfire and damnation well Dorothy wasn't doing that and she wasn't trying to save anybody but herself

[03:49]

service to the poorest of the poor it's kind of a common thing to say in Franciscan worker pardon me Catholic worker circles that we're not here to serve the poor we're here to work on our own salvation and it just so happens that the most the deepest way to touch the poor to serve the poor is to do that to actually be concerned with your own spiritual awakening, your own spiritual development, your own salvation. This comes primarily from the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 25, where Jesus said, at the end of days, I'll separate the sheep from the goats, and the goats are gonna be in trouble, and the sheep will be okay. I'll say to the sheep, I was hungry, you didn't feed me.

[04:53]

I was naked, you didn't clothe me. I was alone, you didn't comfort me. And then the goats say, well, when did we do this? He says, whenever you didn't do it for the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you didn't do it for me. Likewise, he'll say to the sheep, and you can probably fill in the blanks, I was hungry, you fed me. I was naked, you clothed me. I was in prison, you visited me. when did we do this Lord whenever you did this for the least of me least of these you did it for me so that's the Catholic mystical understanding of social justice that we're not doing it for something somebody or something other than us we're doing it for ourselves And there's a quote of Gandhi's that I think is elucidating this phenomenon on a social level, or this principle on a social level, where he says that... What he said, I can probably reconstruct from memory, is...

[06:20]

before you do any act, any action, consider the poorest person that you know and consider how that act will affect him. And this is mostly about our own sense of dignity, of self-worth. If we know of suffering, if we know of misery and we choose to avert our awareness from it, we hurt ourselves more than we hurt the perceived other, the perceived one who's suffering in misery. Conversely, if we allow our hearts to vibrate in the presence of suffering and misery in another human being, our own human nature is ennobled by that nature. That's what I think Gandhi is pointing to.

[07:26]

And this is why Dorothy Day could see working in soup kitchens and in shelters was for her own benefit, primarily. Does that seem relatively clear and straightforward? What I'd like to do is propose a Buddhist... theory of salvation or a Buddhist equivalent of those things there's that word salvation again but remember it's not what you may be I hope I've illustrated that it's there's more to that word than the cliche die up on a soapbox saying that if you don't believe the way I believe you're going to suffer eternally it's a subtler concept and I do believe that there's a way to appreciate excuse me try this Buddha Dharma that is excuse me talk has ended I've lost my voice that is equivalent very very precisely equivalent on a visceral level to what Dorothy Day is pointing at when she says that

[08:51]

I'm working on my own salvation when I serve the poor. That's what I'm doing. And to begin to illustrate this equivalent, I want to tell a story about Avlo Kiteshvara Bodhisattva. Avlo Kiteshvara Bodhisattva, there's a wonderful statue that I hadn't seen before, right outside the door of Avlo Kiteshvara. There are other statues where he slash she has a thousand arms and a thousand eyes. And there's a story about how Avalokiteshvara acquired all those arms and eyes. The story is, first of all, Avalokiteshvara was born from a beam of light out of Amitabha Buddha's head. Just, there she is. There he is. And at that time, just had two arms, two legs. Made this vow to Buddha. Amitabha Buddha said, I will work tirelessly to deliver all beings from the various realms of hell and torment.

[10:00]

I will never cease in this intention. Should I contemplate ceasing, should I grow weary or faint of heart or despair of this promise, may my head blow into a thousand pieces. This tale comes from the Tibetan tradition in a text called the Mani Kabum. And so she made this promise, set about teaching Om Mani Padme Hum to all the beings in the various realms of torment, all the hells, all the other places of suffering. And was doing quite well, actually. Looking up, he saw millions of thousands of beings delivered, freed from their bondage and suffering. And just as she was... feeling confident and positive about how things were going, Amitabha Buddha said, look down.

[11:05]

Is it Lokishvar that means Lord who looks down? One of the names of Lokishvar means Lord who looks down. And so Amitabha Buddha said, look down, look back down at those realms of suffering. And he saw that for every millions of thousands of beings that got out of hell, Millions of thousands of beings were falling into hell. At that, he said, well, maybe it's best I just not try. Maybe it's best I just enter nirvana. Find my own peace. It doesn't seem possible. It seems impossible. And, of course, true to her promise, her head blew up. Kablooey. Fortunately, Abitabha Buddha wasn't far away, soon was on the scene, and said, hey, this is great. This is fortuitous. This is really great that this has happened. This is a wonderful event, and it's because of your great promise that this has happened.

[12:11]

I bow to you, Avalokiteshvara. You are worthy of veneration because your head blew up. Because now, because your sincere promise caused it, and now I can put you back together again. And I'll do so with 1,000 arms and 1,000 eyes on each hand of each arm and 11 heads. That way, you will be even more skillful, even more efficacious in your work to liberate beings from their torment. So that's the story. And so basically, what I feel that means for our salvation, if we want to be saved. Do we want to be saved? Do you want to be saved? Anybody here want to be saved? Well, you have to let your head blow up. You have to be willing to let your head blow up. You have to be willing to put your heart on the line. Let it vibrate wildly if that's what conditions seem to dictate. Wildly with joy.

[13:14]

Wildly with grief. Wildly with sorrow. It's a thing called bodhicitta. Okay, now I want to... unpack this word bodhicitta this is what is born when you risk your heart it's not really born it's already there this is what is uncovered when you lay your heart on the line okay first off the word bodhi awakening enlightenment right citta is mind or And so the two together, bodhicitta, in a very literal way, is awakening mind, enlightened mind, or enlightened heart. And then they're kind of like, same thing. In the sutra tradition, it's unpacked a little bit, because what does that mean?

[14:15]

What's awakening? That's a big question, right? In the sutras, it's unpacked a little bit more specifically to mean... Bodhicitta is the heart or the mind that sees suffering and is deeply troubled at the apprehension of suffering and resolves, I cannot just not do anything about it. I must do something. I cannot just sit idly by in the presence of this suffering. Now, the awakening part is... In order to actually be efficacious, in order to actually know how to help, I need understanding. I need insight. If I just go in all passionate and moved, but have no clarity, I'm liable to just make things worse. So I vow to attain anyuttara samyakasambodhi. I vow to be completely enlightened, and I won't stop practicing until I attain...

[15:22]

complete perfect enlightenment not for myself not because I want to have a nice trophy on my mantle but because of compassion because of this pain that I feel that moves me to do something about it as much as I possibly can and never to tire never to give up even if my head blows up so that's how the sutras talk about bodhicitta Trungpa Rinpoche talks about bodhicitta as a soft spot this raw spot like a wound that never heals, is how he describes it. A very tender, tender spot that we already have. It's not something that we acquire through practice. It's already present. And a very crude, almost insulting illustration of the arising of this soft, tender spot. Say you see an animal hit by a car.

[16:23]

you immediately feel something, right? Maybe you want to look away. It just hurts so much to witness that. According to Trungpa's teaching, that is bodhicitta. That capacity to be moved, for your heart to vibrate in the presence of suffering is bodhicitta. And it always happens. It's already always happening, all the time. But just like seeing an animal, once Eva and I were driving back to Green Gulch. And many, many years ago, and as we were driving home, we saw this deer that had been hit and was dying.

[17:27]

It wasn't dead yet, but it was dying. And just like seeing something like that, you don't want to feel it. There's a part of us that wants to look the other way, pretend that it didn't happen, or somehow distract ourselves. from the pain of it, and so with suffering wherever it occurs. There's fear, and the heart wants to contract. The heart wants to close down. One meditation instruction that I once gave to a group of people in Salinas when I was down there to speak about redevelopment is meditate on walking past a homeless person sitting on the sidewalk. I mean, do this meditation while you're walking past a homeless person on the sidewalk. Notice if all of a sudden there's something a lot more interesting to look at on the other side of the street. Notice this tendency to not want to make eye contact.

[18:30]

Notice the various thoughts that might be percolating as you're walking past this person. Thoughts about, well, if I give them money, they're just going to buy drugs or alcohol with it. Thoughts of whatever, who knows. Various mechanisms of various, how does Pema Chodron put it? The various layers of protection we have learned to shield us from this tender spot that we all have. So to meditate on the arising of bodhicitta, The arising of this capacity to viscerally empathize, is one way to put it, to just naturally, without having to think about it, feel that sympathetic vibration of the heart. And then what happens when that arises? Is it too scary to be with? Is there some mechanism of protection of aversion that wants to arise?

[19:33]

And just stay with that. Don't judge it. Don't beat yourself up for whatever's arising, but see it. And seeing the heart close is a compassionate act. So just that's one way to study and awaken and nurture and support this innate bodhicitta, this innate capacity we have. In order to do that, you have to put your heart on the line. You have to risk. You have to risk. You have to be able to be willing to go into uncomfortable places. You have to be able to confront fear resolutely and take risk. You have to be able to risk your head blowing up. You have to be able to lay your heart on the line to uncover what's already there. to free what's already there.

[20:34]

So that's why we vow to do the impossible. Have you noticed how we vow to do the impossible as Zen students? Beings are numberless. I'm going to save each and every one of them. Delusions are inexhaustible. I'm going to exhaust them. There's an infinite number of Dharma gates. I'm going to walk through each and every one of them. Buddha the Buddha way is unattainable I vow to attain it that's not exactly how we say it now but that's how Suzuki Roshi quotes it in Zen man begin his mind where he says that to to say because it is possible we will do it that's not Buddhism even though it's impossible we have to do it because our true nature our bodhicitta demands it of us Before you begin, you have difficulty. Before you determine to do it, you have difficulty. Like Abel Kiteshvara, determining to save all those beings.

[21:40]

But once you start, you have none. Your head blows up and you have a thousand arms and a thousand eyes. There's something about vowing to do the impossible that short circuits are thinking mind And the thinking mind, the spinning of the thinking, this is maybe a little bit from the side, but the spinning of the thinking mind, Papanka in Sanskrit, the monkey mind, more and more, I'm feeling that one of the main things that drives that monkey is fear. And so, but vowing to do the impossible can short-circuit that thinking. You enter into a matrix of transformation when you vow to do the impossible. Very important to really sincerely vow to do it, even though it's impossible. So that's, in a nutshell, the Buddhist way of salvation.

[22:45]

Vow to do the impossible. Lay your heart on the line. Risk your head blowing up. Before you determine to do it, you're not saved. But once you try to do it, salvation is immediately there. Your heart's awake. You can feel it vibrate. You can feel it beating in your chest. So... We're going to have a Sashin at Eyes of Compassion Zen Center in May. And... Alex and I were having a conversation about the flyer for this machine and a dispute over what we should call it. See, did I mention that part of Eyes of Compassion Center's work practice is to be in soup kitchens and homeless shelters?

[23:49]

Is that kind of like self-evident from the things I've said so far? So anyway, that's the case. So we're going to have this machine involve, you know, as rigorous of a schedule of zazen as we can, and then as quickly as we can, getting to the soup kitchen and hanging out there for a while, doing various things, then coming back, sitting some more. And so I wanted to call this sashim a bliss-bestowing sashim. The Oxford pictures, the last one, the guy leaves the ox, leaves practice in a limited sense, leaves emptiness, realization of the deepest meaning of practice, leaves it all behind and goes back into the marketplace to benefit beings with bliss bestowing hands, we say. And in departing ceremonies, that's the phrase that's used, enters the marketplace with bliss bestowing hands. So I thought it would be appropriate to use that. Alex was afraid that it might give some people gaining idea.

[24:55]

Oh, I'm going to go to Salinas and I'm going to get blissed out. Cool, that's great. And so we went back and forth with this, and he suggested socially engaged sushi. And I must confess that I have never really warmed up to those terms, that term socially engaged, which is kind of ironic, since here I am in a Zen center that's serving the homeless. But something about it implies, like we've got this little kit of... of skillful means or goodies or something, something that we have to give. And we're going to engage this other situation and give them all our good stuff because they need it. And I don't know. Maybe it's my own prejudice, but I've always been kind of uncomfortable with those words, although I use them. In some levels of discourse, I'm fine with it, but as an expression of a fundamental...

[25:58]

articulation of what we're about, it seemed to fall short. And so we went back and forth like this. And in trying to convey to Alex why I was unhappy with socially engaged, I told him a tale from the movie Francesco. And the movie Francesco is about St. Francis. Mickey Rourke plays St. Francis. And there's this one scene where one of his old nobility buddies of Rufino, after Francis has already become a disgrace, disgraced his family, disgraced his community, and he's just like living with the lepers. And Rufino is curious, so he kind of like follows him home one day. And he follows him home, and Francis sees him kind of like peeking in the door and says, oh, please, please come in, welcome, welcome. And so Rufino shyly walks in and Francis says, this is my mother.

[27:07]

Her legs are sick. She can't walk. This is my sister. She's lost a child. We're grieving. Forgive us if we're sad. So that's the image from the movie. St. Francis is living with his mother and his sister, who are not genetically connected to him, but they're his family. He's chosen them as his mother and his sister. And I said that that is actually how I feel. That's what I feel our work is, is to be family. with the people at Dorothy's place, named after Dorothy Day, by the way, to see them as our brother and our sister and our mother and our father. And Alex pointed out that, well, that's really not possible.

[28:12]

I mean, we don't sleep outside. If we were going to do that, we'd have to be sleeping outside with them. We've got keys, and they don't have keys. At that point, I got kind of pissed off. And I said that, you're just being difficult. No, that's not what I said. You're just being argumentative, and that's not constructive. And anyway, but you know, he's right. He is absolutely right. We can't really claim to be family with the people on the street at Dorothy's Place. It's just not possible. And I bought a show and tell to illustrate why it's not possible. I know you're not supposed to bring watches into a Zendo. Maybe not keys either. But anyway, here they are. These are the keys. This key here, it's very... What did I do with my glasses?

[29:18]

This key here we call the A key. Okay? And it has big letters, do not duplicate. This is... This bad boy is a serious key. This key opens the front door of the kitchen, the front door of the day room. It opens the upstairs office. It opens almost every door and every lock. And I have some others that, you know, this is the male key. So, you want toothpaste? You want toothpaste? I got the key. I can let you have some toothpaste if you really want it. Oh, you want your mail. You want your check, do you? Well, let me see. I think I have a key to get your mail. See, I got the keys. You hear that sound? That's the sound of systemic social oppression. These keys separate me from the keyless.

[30:25]

I don't sleep outside. I have a nice, warm room to go to, heated, lovely posters of galaxies and nebulae on the wall, so I can feel quite cosmic. I like feeling cosmic. That's a little confession. So yeah, it's really not possible for me to consider myself family with the people on Soledad Street. You know what? I don't care. I don't care that it's impossible. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to do it anyway. And so when I vow to do it anyway, even though it's impossible and I carry these keys, these keys hurt. hurts to have these keys. I vowed to live with that hurt.

[31:27]

If I live with that hurt, then it doesn't matter that I have these keys. When I go home and I get in my warm room and I know that the other night Michael slept outside, it hurts. I vow to live with that hurt. I vow to let that heart ache, let that heart vibrate with the knowledge of the injustice, of me having a warm place to sleep, of me having keys. And if I let that heart ache, if I let that heart vibrate, it doesn't matter that I have the keys. like to tell you a story about my brother Billy this some weeks ago now so I'll have to try to reconstruct it in my memory but one day brother Billy my brother Billy and I were sitting outside of the soup kitchen and it was cold

[32:52]

The previous night was cold. And the sun was finally starting to take some of the chill off of the pavement. And he was sneezing. And he asked me to go in. No, he didn't ask me. He said, I wish I had some toilet paper so I could, not toilet paper, paper towels. No, toilet paper is too precious of a thing. But paper towels to blow my nose. And I said, well, I'll get you some. So I got up. I got out my A key. and unlock the door so I can get to the precious paper towel so he could blow his nose. And then I came back out, and he was buying some crack. And he looked up at me, saw that I saw him, and he kind of shook his head and says, man, I don't want to do this in front of you. And I broke my heart. Because he said it with a degree of embarrassment and respect and affection that... Move me.

[33:55]

So I said, well, I'll go away for a while if you like. And he said, well, I kind of like having her around. It feels good. And then he gave me a side long glance and said, and I know why you're here. And I said, hearing an opportunity to hear good things about myself. And I said, well, tell me, why am I here? And says, well, you know, you try to keep people from doing the wrong thing. And he stopped and looked at me directly and said, we'll talk about it later. And so we talked about this and that. We talked about how he has Parkinson's. And he has to walk with the king. And told me that it's getting worse. And the other night, he couldn't actually get up off the sidewalk. It was so bad. And he couldn't get himself up to walk across the street to the men's shelter.

[34:59]

And he spent the night right there on the sidewalk where we were talking. And I remembered how cold it was that night. Not as cold as it's been recently, but pretty darn cold. And so we talked, chatted for a while, and then he gestured to the crack still on his hand, and he said, you know, these days it's more about pain management than it is about getting high. And then I said, well, I'll leave, and I'll check in on some other people, and I'll try to stop by and see you before I go home. And then I went upstairs, and I used my A key to Robert's office and cried for a while. And then as I was driving home, I... As I was walking to the car to drive home, I looked for Billy and saw him across the street smoking more crack. So I got in my car and drove home without saying goodbye.

[36:00]

You know, Billy knows I have these keys. He doesn't care. He doesn't see them as something between us. I'm honored by that. Now, my sister, what did I call her? I'm not using, I hope I'm not using the real names tonight. Sally, sorry, my sister Sally. She's a young woman. I would guess that she's probably 22, 23. When she's straight, she has the sweetest smile and her eyes shine. And the week leading up to Thanksgiving, every single day, she was in the kitchen volunteering. And just really feeling happy and hopeful.

[37:12]

After Thanksgiving, she smokes more crack. And when she's on crack, she's like a hunted animal, all twitchy and restless and fearful. Won't make eye contact. Won't stop moving her body. The only way I can live in this situation, the only way I can be saved in this situation is to allow my heart to break. If I stay in this situation and don't allow that bodhicitta to vibrate so, I can't tell you how wildly some days it vibrates. And sometimes when I go to bed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest more than I ever have.

[38:17]

If I want to be saved, I've got to let that happen. If I stay in that environment and I find mechanisms of professional distance, I'll be lost. I have to risk my heart put it there and risk my head blowing up. So I'm going to read a Zen story. see if anything comes of that. This is Feng Shui's single atom, case 34 of the Blue Cliff Record.

[39:29]

And the case goes like this. Feng Shui said, if you set up a single atom, the nation flourishes. If you don't set up a single atom, the nation perishes. Suedo held up his staff and said, are there any mendicants who will die together and live together? Now that word mendicant, in Blue Cliff Record, clearly translates it as patched row monk. It means the same thing. It means monk, right? It means the same thing. But I'm wondering, what about people? Does the case still make sense if we say people? instead of some clerical reference. Let's try it. Feng Shui said, if you set up a single atom, the nation flourishes. If you don't, the nation perishes. Shuedo held up his staff and said, are there any people who will die together and live together?

[40:33]

The introduction says, barehanded, empty-fisted, a thousand changes, 10,000 transformations. Though this is making something out of nothing, what can you do? You employ the provisional to symbolize the real. But tell me, is there a fundamental basis or not? Later in the commentary, The case is stated in a little bit more expanded fashion. If a single Adam is set up, the nation flourishes and the peasants frown. If you do not set up a single Adam, the nation perishes and the peasants rest easy. If you can clearly understand here, you have no separate part. It's all this old monk, me. I am just you. You and I can enlighten everyone in the world and also delude everyone.

[41:39]

in the world. So that's the case. And I have a confession to make. I sometimes have issues with all this formality in solo zen. I sometimes trip over it. I sometimes entertain thoughts like people are fussing too much or are attached to these forms. I've been something of a quiet iconoclast for 17, 18 years. And I think Blanche can testify to that. She and I had a run-in some about a decade or so ago in Tassajara in my youthful iconoclastic arrogance. I... said some things that I later regretted. And I would like to say briefly that when I saw how she practiced, how she manifested her spirit after being abbess, I was so impressed.

[42:57]

Delighted to wash dishes. Delighted to just practice in the basic, purest way. And I knew that I had misjudged didn't appreciate who it was that I had the honor to do a practice period with. So please forgive me. But still, still I sometimes get uptight around people's uptightness with the forms. However, if you set up a single atom, the nation flourishes. If you don't set up a single atom, the nation perishes. You employ the provisional to, what's it say? To something the real? To symbolize. Well, I don't know if I like the word symbol. You employ the provisional to express the real, one might say. So, kasho is like this, right? Fingers together, not splayed apart. Nose level, about six inches away from the nose.

[44:00]

Just so. Just so. The universe depends upon you doing it just so. Why does the universe depend upon you doing it just so? The very precision, the very apparent arbitrariness of the forms allows you to access something deeper than personal preference, to access something deeper than capriciousness, how you would like to do it, your own personal preference, identification or identity or individuality there's something more there's a fundamental basis deeper than all of that more real than all of that and you can't I don't know if you can't that might not be the right way to say it but it's helpful to have some provisional way to express the real some way to put your heart into it that is beyond your own idea of how things should be

[45:01]

So we have to do things that seem arbitrary and absurd to get deeper than our own sense of self, our own sense of who we are, so we can discover who we actually are, so we can awaken our true heart, our true bodhicitta. We have to cut through all the ideas and opinions and projections of self and other. So that heart can vibrate freely in vastness and emptiness. And so we employ various things. But is there a fundamental basis or not? What is it that we are trying to unveil? What is it that I'm trying to realize? by creating this thing or participating in this thing called Dorothy's Place Hospitality Center, where it's really ridiculous to think that I'm family with these people when I've got keys and they don't.

[46:21]

It's really kind of very sweet and precious that homeless people have name tags that says volunteer on them, that we're playing this game of empowering them to have meaningful activity. Looked at superficially, it seems like a forest, quite frankly. But we're employing the provisional to symbolize the real. We are family. There is a fundamental basis that we share. We have to find, we pick up some kind of atom to try to access that. We play these games in order to touch one another's heart and to live. in that place where our hearts are vibrating with each other, with joy and sorrow and everything. But is there a fundamental basis or not? So let me read the case once again.

[47:22]

Feng Shui said, if you set up a single atom, the nation flourishes. If you don't set up a single atom, the nation perishes. So we've covered that, right? You know, God shows just like this. Set up that atom. Maybe you can access something deeper than your own idea. Shway Do held up his staff and said, are there any people here today that will die together? and live together, whose hearts will vibrate sympathetically with the whole catastrophe. That's what I think Shweta was saying. I think Shweta was pointing at the fundamental basis when he says that.

[48:24]

Are you willing to let your head blow up? Are you willing to unleash that heart so they can vibrate with whatever is going on? no matter how wild, no matter how devastating, how provocative of anguish and grief, provocative of joy and bliss, can you just let it vibrate freely? Is there a fundamental basis or not? What are we doing it for? Why do we have these long sleeves, shaved heads, making a fashion statement? Is this the latest manifestation of hipster culture? No, it's been around for quite some time, so I don't think it's the latest manifestation. It's retro. Anyway, I digress. Why are we doing it? What is the fundamental basis behind all this stuff that we're doing?

[49:26]

Mosuedo told his story. Anybody here willing, courageous enough? to die together, to live together. I have my own icon for this point. I'm going to close with this icon. And it's a fierce icon. It's hard to contemplate this icon. It takes courage to actually contemplate this icon and extract a deeper meaning from it. And I'm going to share it with you now. 9-11.

[50:29]

We all remember 9-11, right? Those numbers signify something that they didn't in the 20th century. there were photographs that came from that event. Photographs of people falling to their death. There was one photograph I saw of two people falling to their death, holding hands. Did anybody else see that picture? I did a Google search trying to look for it. It's obscure, but I saw it. And another person saw it. I have a witness. It does exist or it did exist. Pardon me? Front page of the New York Times. Anyway, there's that picture. Does that make a difference? That two people are falling to their death holding hands?

[51:35]

Are we any different? We're falling to our death. We may entertain some hope that our descent is slower than those people who are falling from the Twin Towers. But we are plummeting to our eventual splat. Does it make a difference whether we do it alone or holding hands? Are there any people who will live together and die together? Does that image reveal something about the fundamental basis? Anyway. people in this room have been practicing for some time.

[52:46]

And I'm grateful for that. The things I've said are probably, on some level at least, known by anyone who's sat still with themselves for any length of time. It takes courage to sit with yourself. And so I'm sure that to a large extent I've been preaching to the choir. But I hope also that maybe that bodhicitta might have been vibrating a little bit now and then. I must confess that I did have a hidden agenda to get that, to see if that could happen. Because it's worth it. It's worth it. And it's hard to articulate. It's impossible to articulate why it's worth it.

[53:50]

But there are times when I'm working in the soup kitchen and I just feel the enormity of despair and the enormity of the deep human pain that's in the environment. And it's overwhelming. And then I go into the bathroom and I'll start to cry. And then there's this confusing moment where I can't tell if I'm crying because I'm in a state of grief or in a state of bliss. And the sutras say that a bodhisattva I'm not holding myself up to this standard. Please excuse me. I don't mean to draw a parallel here, but the sutras do say that the bodhisattva finds beings suffering very, very painful, but finds being with beings who are in suffering a thing of joy.

[55:00]

So that's a little paradoxical expression. To find the suffering of beings painful, but to... to be to be filled with joy to be there with them is one explication of the heart of the bodhisattva and so this vibrating of the bodhicitta can hurt like hell but it connects us to the source of great compassion and when we feel connected to that so when you feel something when we are that naked and that exposed that it vibrates freely We feel our connection to that source. We feel the fundamental basis that we can't really articulate. And we feel a sense of meaning that we can't express. And if the heart is vibrating wildly, it could be traumatic, but it's not without meaning. So that's why it's worth it. And so I thank you for your attention.

[56:04]

And I didn't leave any time for questions, but I'd be happy to afterwards linger. If you promise to get up and go to Zazen tomorrow morning, if you're supposed to, then I'll be happy to hang out. Okay? Thank you very much.

[56:26]

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